My Three Sons (1960–1972): Season 2, Episode 6 - Bub's Lodge - full transcript
The three sons get involved in lodge and fraternity installations.
It's getting so you can't tell
when dinner's over around here.
I'm still hungry.
Yeah, well, from
the looks of things,
you're gonna be eight-feet-11
and weigh 900 pounds.
You're welcome.
Have a banana?
Uh, no, thanks, Bub.
You're welcome.
Thanks, Bub.
Boy, am I thirsty.
Well, naturally,
it's been nearly 20 minutes
since you drank
that last quart of milk.
Must be the ham we
had for dinner tonight.
Yes. I suppose you want
another cup of coffee?
No, I don't believe so, Bub.
I think I'll have
a cup of tea. Oh.
Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.
Oh, Mike, you
staying in tonight?
No, I'm going out later.
Are you still rushing
for that fraternity?
Yeah.
Don't worry, you'll make it.
Well, Rob, it's nice to see
you doing your homework
instead of looking
at TV for a change.
There's nothing good
on right now, Dad.
Oh.
Well, supper's just over.
What are you all
doing back here now?
There's nothing good on.
Well, the sink and I
have been divorced,
so if you're gonna make
any more mess around here,
you'll have to clean
it up yourselves.
Okay. All right.
Hey, Bub, what was in
that package you got today?
What package? ROBBIE: Oh,
my gosh, I forgot to tell you, Bub.
The delivery truck drove up
just as I was coming home
from school this afternoon.
What did you do with
the package? Where is it?
I'll get it.
I went right up to my room
and just plain forgot all
about it, Bub. I'm sorry.
That's all right, as long
as it got here on time.
Yeah, well, what is it, Bub?
Wait till you see
what it is, Bub.
Boy, it sure is big.
It's not even your birthday.
This is better than
any old birthday.
Wait till you see it.
Hey.
Just get a load of this.
You're gonna be
a bullfighter, Bub?
No, no, no, it's part
of my lodge uniform.
Why don't you let
the boys in on the
good news, Bub?
Oh, I don't want to brag.
Well, I'm sure they'd like to
know that their granddad has
been made a high-ranking
officer in a national organization.
No, kidding? Yeah.
Yeah! And the Brotherhood
of Cavaliers made me
D'Artagnan of the East Oar.
And tomorrow night
I'm gonna be installed.
Eighth highest officer
in the lodge, isn't it, Bub?
Yeah.
Yeah. What do you think
of your grandfather now?
Well, uh...
Well, I bet there are
not too many fellows
that have a grandfather
like you have.
Well, that's, uh,
just about what I was gonna say.
Well, it, it took a little
time, but I finally made it.
Jeepers, Bub, you're
gonna look just like Zorro.
You betcha, Chip.
And wait till you get a load
of my official
D'Artagnan headgear:
ostrich feathers
on a field of velum.
And if you want to hang around
here for about an hour or so,
I'll go and put on the whole
outfit and show it to you.
Good.
Oh, brother.
Hey, Dad?
Hmm?
Can I, uh, talk to
you for a minute?
Well, sure.
In here.
All right.
Boy, I'd sure like to go to one
of Bub's lodge meetings
one of these times.
Yeah, I'll bet, Chip.
Hey, maybe you
can get D'Artagnan
to take you some night.
Yeah, but why does
he have to pick tonight
to go parading around
in this ridiculous outfit?
What's so special
about tonight, Mike?
Well, a couple of the guys
are coming over to meet me.
And let's face it,
if he walks out
here in that getup,
they'll think it's
the-the changing
of the guards or something.
How long have you
known these fellas, Mike?
Well, since my
first day of school.
Oh, a matter of a
few weeks, huh?
And, you're, uh,
worried about what
these fellas whom you've
only known for a few weeks are
gonna think about your granddad
whom you've known
all your life, huh?
Oh, come on, Dad,
you know what I mean.
Th-The guys just
aren't gonna understand.
Well, you handle it
any way you like, Mike.
Just be sure and don't hurt
your granddad's feelings, hmm?
Well, sure.
I'm going up and
do a little work now.
When your granddad
gets his uniform on,
tell him to come up and
show it to me, will you?
Okay.
Bub in his room?
Oh, yeah. He's in there
ironing that Zorro suit of his,
and Chip's watching him.
Listen, Rob, a
couple of the fellas
from school are coming...
Oh, my gosh, they're here.
Keep Bub out of sight
until we leave, huh?
Oh.
The drawbridge was down,
so we just let ourselves in.
Greetings Sigma Gamma Chi-to-be.
Won't be long now, huh, fellas?
Well, uh, I'm all
set, shall we go?
Well, what's your
hurry? We're early.
Yeah, besides, I got
to use your phone.
Elsie gets positively panicky
whenever she knows
she's gonna have
to do without me
for a whole evening.
Oh.
Hello? Oh, hello, Mrs. Stebbins.
May I speak to Elsie, please?
Oh. Oh, okay, it wasn't
too important anyway.
Uh, she was taking a bath.
Okay, okay, so she
got so panicky that
she had to go to a
movie with her girlfriend...
named George.
Okay, come on. Let's go.
Hey, wait a minute.
What's the rush?
I need refueling.
What do you got to eat?
Yeah, man, show me that kitchen.
You know, food is the one thing
that can cure a broken heart.
Well, what's the
matter with you guys?
Didn't you eat dinner?
Well, sure, but that
was almost an hour ago.
Well, uh, I'll tell you what.
We can stop on the way
and pick up a hot dog
or something, huh?
Boy, Douglas, you're not exactly
the hospitable type, are you?
Well, that's not it.
It, it's just that...
Well, we just don't happen
to have a decent thing
in the house to eat.
I mean, uh, nobody's done
the shopping for this week.
Hiya, guys.
You know, uh, that does
not exactly look like K-rations.
Robbie, what are you doing here?
Uh, I'm going to
London to visit the king.
This is my brother Robbie.
Hi, you guys.
Hi. You know, kid,
that looks like a pretty
good piece of cake.
Oh, yeah, and
there's plenty more.
Bub just baked one today.
I forgot. Uh, well, anyway,
Bub's still in his room, Mike.
Uh, see you later, Mike.
Boy, that's swell.
Isn't it? Yeah.
Where are you going?
Oh, I'm hungry.
Well, there's an
apple in the ice box.
Hey, how about if I treat
both you guys to a malt, huh?
How come?
Well, because I-I
just want to get going.
I'm kind of nervous
about this, uh,
fraternity bit, aren't you?
Well, yeah, but, uh, that's why
I got to eat something.
Oh, come on, Doug, we'll stop
and get a malt and a hot dog.
Well, that's fine.
Hi.
My good thumb, too.
Well, I... I told you, I-I
just want to get going.
En garde!
Selah, Selah!
That's Arabian.
It means "If you find oil,
remember the pasha
retains all mineral rights."
Well, Mike, don't
just stand there.
Introduce me to
these friends of yours.
Oh, Doug and Marty,
that's my grandfather.
Gentlemen.
Now, boys, I, I want to give you
a sort of a little
dress rehearsal
of what's gonna happen
to me tomorrow night.
We march around the lodge hall,
and while marching,
we sing the lodge song thusly.
♪ We are the musketeers,
we are the cavaliers ♪
♪ Through blood
and sweat and tears ♪
♪ We are one, son
of a gun, we're one! ♪
Estore, Estore, I vow to
protect thee with my life.
Victoria, Excelsior!
♪ We are the musketeers,
we are the cavaliers ♪
♪ Through blood
and sweat and tears ♪
♪ We are one, son of a
gun, we're one, son of a gun ♪
♪ We're one, we're
one, son of a gun ♪
♪ We're one, we're one! ♪
And then he says,
"Selah, Selah!"
and waves his stupid sword
around like he's flipped.
Well, you should have
seen Doug and Marty.
They thought he
was gonna take out
their appendix or something.
Mike, in spite of
all the dramatics
and all the exaggerating,
all you've said to me is
that a couple of your
friends saw your granddad
in his lodge uniform.
Oh, come on, Dad.
Look, I'm not so old that
I can't remember
how... how easy it is
to get embarrassed at a
lot of things at your age.
Believe me, you'll get over it.
You'll laugh about it later.
Dad, have you seen that
stupid hat with the feathers?
Sure, I've seen it.
Bub thinks it's pretty snazzy.
And if Bub likes
it, I like it, Mike.
You know his, uh,
installation as an officer
tomorrow night is
very important to him.
D'Artagnan of the East Oar?
Well, you've got to have
little green men running
around your bloodstream
to think that's... Mike.
Well, all right,
I'm trying to get into a
fraternity tomorrow night.
I think that's pretty
important, too.
I respect that, Mike.
Just the same as I
respect what Bub is doing.
I don't want Bub hurt, Mike,
and I don't think you do either.
Well, of course, I don't.
All right, then.
But Dad... Hmm?
Couldn't you just get
him to hide that hat?
Good night, Dad.
What are you gonna do
at the meeting tonight?
Well, I'm afraid I can't
tell you, Chip. It's a secret.
Do you slice each
other up with the swords?
Slice each other
up with the swords?
Why, this is a lodge,
not a delicatessen.
Do you swallow them?
Swallow what?
The swords.
Oh, we haven't tried
that yet. Now the hat.
No, no, no, don't horse
around with that bonnet.
It's all right with me,
but I'm afraid D'Artagnan
of the East Oar
might be a little riled.
Look all right?
Okay.
You sure are going
to a lot of trouble
to get in with a bunch of guys.
You wouldn't catch
me dressed up like that
for anybody but a girl.
Well, that's one reason
for being in a fraternity.
Girls really go for that jazz.
Hey, Rob? Yeah.
Do you want these ties?
Well, sure.
Thanks a lot, Mike. How come?
Well, they're all too wide.
I mean, they're
okay for high school
but not quite the
thing for college.
Brother! You used to throw a fit
if I even borrowed
one of your ties.
Well, I was younger
and more immature in those days.
Yeah, you sure were.
Hey, you can't have this tie.
Why not? You just gave it to me.
Well, I didn't mean
to give you this one.
I'm sure glad you went
to college and grew up.
Rob? Yeah.
What, uh, what was Bub doing
when you came upstairs?
He was in his room.
I guess he was getting ready
to go to his lodge meeting.
Oh, my gosh.
What's the matter?
I got to meet those
guys at the front door.
They're not going to see Bub
in his Superman outfit again.
How come they have to
come over here to meet you?
I'm the one with the car.
Hello.
Hey, what are you doing home?
I want to get going.
Selah, Selah!
That's Arabian.
It means, uh, don't
flip your burnoose.
Well, look, I-I'll be right
over and pick you guys up.
Oh, no, no, that's okay.
We'll be right there.
Uh, tell me, it's
okay if I bring
Al and Frank
and Philly, isn't it?
You know, I mean,
they've never seen a
real live D'Artagnan before.
Okay, now, Chip, you
vamoose off to bed,
and tomorrow I'll tell
you all about my big night.
I thought you were supposed
to keep everything a secret.
Well, I am, but, uh, I got a
hunch I'm going to be so excited,
I won't be able to
keep my big mouth shut.
Now I got to call up
old Max and Smitty.
They promised to
pick me up here tonight,
and I want to make sure
they're not going to be late.
Here, take this up with you.
Okay. Have a nice time.
I'm going to try, thanks.
Okay, so long.
We'll see you a little later.
No, I'll pick you up.
Don't you think you guys are
pushing this thing
a little too far?
I mean, what's so great
about seeing an old man
parade around in a Halloween
suit and Yankee Doodle hat?
Well, sure.
You know, you
ought to sell tickets.
All right, if you think
it's laughs to see
my grandfather
embarrass me, fine, but...
we went that route last night.
Let's, uh, skip the
repeat performance, huh?
You silly old fool.
Okay, okay, okay.
Where is he, where is he?
Oh, come on now, you guys.
This-this whole bit's
getting pretty silly, isn't it?
Oh, don't be a goofball Douglas.
These guys are
entitled to one shot
of your grandfather
in a lady's hat.
Look, you guys
know all about it.
Now the joke's all over, huh?
Excuse me.
Selah, Selah!
We have come for D'Artagnan!
Our noble leader.
Is, uh, William
O'Casey around here?
Uh... yeah.
Oh, uh, come in.
Bub.
Selah, Selah!
Yeah, great, great,
but, uh, let's knock it off
and get out of here, will you?
It is our honor to escort
you to our meeting place,
oh, exalted knight
of our brotherhood.
Yeah, yeah, but let's get going.
Oh, cease and desist brother.
D'Artagnan must
be in full plumage.
Uh-huh.
This is a glorious moment
in the proud history
of the Cavaliers.
Oh, cut it out, will
you, Smitty, cut it out!
Uh, I'll tell you what we'll do.
Let's-let's call off the
rest of the ceremony and...
All hail, all hail, Excelsior!
♪ We are the musketeers,
we are the cavaliers ♪
♪ Through blood and sweat
and tears, we are one ♪
♪ Son of a gun, we are one ♪
♪ We are the musketeers,
we are the cavaliers ♪
♪ Through blood and sweat
and tears, we are one ♪
♪ Son of a gun, we are one. ♪
Well, I, uh, didn't know
you were all in there.
Um, Dad, these are
some of the guys from school.
Hello, fellas.
Mike's grandfather is being, uh,
made an officer
of his lodge tonight.
That was, uh, his uniform.
Yes, sir, it looks
very good on him.
The feathers and the, uh,
cape, that's a sort of tradition,
like the, uh,
Carabinieri in Italy.
We understand, sir.
Well, I-I guess
we'd better be going.
Yeah, come on.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Well, lots of luck.
Mike.
Well, I guess your
friends didn't think
your granddad looked
so terrible, did they?
Oh, come on, Dad.
They're waiting out there
right now to give
me the business.
Oh?
Well, Mike, if you'd
stick up for your granddad
instead of being embarrassed
and ashamed of him,
maybe your friends
wouldn't get such a kick
out of making fun of him.
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
Bub is never going to
embarrass me like this again,
even if I have to move into
the fraternity house for good.
Good night, Dad.
♪ ♪
- Fish, fish.
- Fish, fish.
Fish. Get your fresh fish.
- Here, fishy, fishy.
- Louder!
Fish, fish, fish!
Here, fishy, fishy!
Fish. Here, fishy, fishy.
Louder!
Fish, fish, fish! Fish, fish!
Get your fish here!
Here, fishy, fishy!
Here, fishy, fishy!
Fish!
Do you want to trade jobs?
No, thanks.
Here, fishy, fishy!
Boy, you wouldn't think
a fraternity would subject
its members to ridicule
like this, would you?
Fish, fish! Fish, fish!
The ridicule I don't mind,
only the nose is offended.
Fish! Fish!
Fish!
Hey, relax, will you?
So far we're lucky.
They haven't asked
us to eat any of it yet.
I don't know which would be
worse, eating a live goldfish
or a, or a mackerel that's
been dead for six months.
Fish, fish! Fish, fish!
Fish, fish, fish!
Here, fishy, fishy!
Fish! Here, fishy, fishy!
Get your fish here!
Fish, fish! Here, fishy, fishy!
Here, fishy, fishy! Fish!
Fi... I just wish I hadn't
eaten that banana split.
Come on, you're making me sick.
Douglas.
Fish, fish!
Douglas, stand up.
Oh, yes, sir.
Douglas, what's
the matter with you?
Have you decided you don't
want to be a Sigma Gam?
Oh, no, sir.
I-I mean, yes, sir.
Well?
Yes, Mr. Wilson.
I'm sorry.
Fish!
Here, fishy, fishy! Fish!
Fish! Fish!
Fish! Fish, fish!
Here, fishy, fishy!
Hi, Dad.
Hello, Mike.
Well, how did your evening go?
Oh, fine.
It was one of those
open air things, you know.
Bub isn't home
from his meeting yet.
Oh.
By the way, uh, did
you catch anything?
What do you mean?
You know, I-I thought I knew
all the good fishing
spots around here, but, uh,
I didn't know it was any good
in front of Miller's Drugstore.
Uh, but a college man
like yourself wouldn't be
sitting there just
to make himself
look ridiculous, would he?
Hey, how did you
find out about that?
I, uh, ran out of pipe tobacco.
So I walked
downtown to get some.
I saw you.
Well, it was part of our hazing.
You must, uh, want to get into
that fraternity
pretty badly, Mike.
Well, sure I do.
You know that.
I just thought when you
found out you had to do
ridiculous things
like you did tonight,
you might have
changed your mind.
No.
Well, it-it was kind of
embarrassing for a while,
but we had some good laughs.
Besides, it's... it's not as bad
as it seems when you're not
the only one who's
doing ridiculous things.
I want to tell you, Mike,
I got away from there
as fast as I could.
Why?
Well, you can
imagine how I felt.
Seeing my oldest son
sitting there on a curb
with a Simple Simon
outfit, fishing in the gutter.
What if some of my
friends had come along
or some of my
business associates?
You, of all people, can
understand how I must have felt.
Yeah, but, Dad,
it was part of a...
Oh, there's a message there.
Yeah.
There's a message there.
Yeah, well, it-it
isn't the same thing.
I was being initiated.
Bub was parading around here...
Well... It is the
same thing, isn't it?
That's right.
Well, I thought I'd stay
up and see how everything
went with Bub, but I don't
think I'm going to make it.
You'd better get to bed, too.
Yeah.
Well, uh, Dad.
I, uh, I'm not very tired.
I guess I'll stay
up for a while.
Fine.
Good night, Mike.
Good night, Dad.
Shh, shh, shh.
Mike, why don't you go
and sleep in your
bed where you belong.
Oh, I... I was, uh,
waiting up for you.
Oh, I see.
You figured I might get arrested
running through the
streets in this outfit, huh?
Well, if they didn't arrest me
doing what I was doing tonight,
then you don't have to worry.
Well, what were you doing?
I was fishing in front
of Miller's Drugstore.
It was... it was part of
my initiation
for the fraternity.
You should have seen me.
I had tails on and-and
tights and tennis shoes
and-and a tall hat with plumes.
I'm glad you didn't see me.
You'd have been embarrassed.
The important thing is
did you have any fun?
I sure did.
Did, uh, did you?
Oh, I sure did.
I'll tell you what we need.
Suppose we go
and fortify ourselves
with a good slug of milk.
And then we can get
ready for our next soirée.
Okay. Good.
S-Say, what was that song
your-your lodge
brothers were singing?
Uh, musketeers... ♪
We are the musketeers ♪
♪ Musketeers ♪
♪ We are the cavaliers
♪ ♪ Cavaliers ♪
♪ Through blood
and sweat and tears ♪
♪ We are the one,
son of a gun. ♪
when dinner's over around here.
I'm still hungry.
Yeah, well, from
the looks of things,
you're gonna be eight-feet-11
and weigh 900 pounds.
You're welcome.
Have a banana?
Uh, no, thanks, Bub.
You're welcome.
Thanks, Bub.
Boy, am I thirsty.
Well, naturally,
it's been nearly 20 minutes
since you drank
that last quart of milk.
Must be the ham we
had for dinner tonight.
Yes. I suppose you want
another cup of coffee?
No, I don't believe so, Bub.
I think I'll have
a cup of tea. Oh.
Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.
Oh, Mike, you
staying in tonight?
No, I'm going out later.
Are you still rushing
for that fraternity?
Yeah.
Don't worry, you'll make it.
Well, Rob, it's nice to see
you doing your homework
instead of looking
at TV for a change.
There's nothing good
on right now, Dad.
Oh.
Well, supper's just over.
What are you all
doing back here now?
There's nothing good on.
Well, the sink and I
have been divorced,
so if you're gonna make
any more mess around here,
you'll have to clean
it up yourselves.
Okay. All right.
Hey, Bub, what was in
that package you got today?
What package? ROBBIE: Oh,
my gosh, I forgot to tell you, Bub.
The delivery truck drove up
just as I was coming home
from school this afternoon.
What did you do with
the package? Where is it?
I'll get it.
I went right up to my room
and just plain forgot all
about it, Bub. I'm sorry.
That's all right, as long
as it got here on time.
Yeah, well, what is it, Bub?
Wait till you see
what it is, Bub.
Boy, it sure is big.
It's not even your birthday.
This is better than
any old birthday.
Wait till you see it.
Hey.
Just get a load of this.
You're gonna be
a bullfighter, Bub?
No, no, no, it's part
of my lodge uniform.
Why don't you let
the boys in on the
good news, Bub?
Oh, I don't want to brag.
Well, I'm sure they'd like to
know that their granddad has
been made a high-ranking
officer in a national organization.
No, kidding? Yeah.
Yeah! And the Brotherhood
of Cavaliers made me
D'Artagnan of the East Oar.
And tomorrow night
I'm gonna be installed.
Eighth highest officer
in the lodge, isn't it, Bub?
Yeah.
Yeah. What do you think
of your grandfather now?
Well, uh...
Well, I bet there are
not too many fellows
that have a grandfather
like you have.
Well, that's, uh,
just about what I was gonna say.
Well, it, it took a little
time, but I finally made it.
Jeepers, Bub, you're
gonna look just like Zorro.
You betcha, Chip.
And wait till you get a load
of my official
D'Artagnan headgear:
ostrich feathers
on a field of velum.
And if you want to hang around
here for about an hour or so,
I'll go and put on the whole
outfit and show it to you.
Good.
Oh, brother.
Hey, Dad?
Hmm?
Can I, uh, talk to
you for a minute?
Well, sure.
In here.
All right.
Boy, I'd sure like to go to one
of Bub's lodge meetings
one of these times.
Yeah, I'll bet, Chip.
Hey, maybe you
can get D'Artagnan
to take you some night.
Yeah, but why does
he have to pick tonight
to go parading around
in this ridiculous outfit?
What's so special
about tonight, Mike?
Well, a couple of the guys
are coming over to meet me.
And let's face it,
if he walks out
here in that getup,
they'll think it's
the-the changing
of the guards or something.
How long have you
known these fellas, Mike?
Well, since my
first day of school.
Oh, a matter of a
few weeks, huh?
And, you're, uh,
worried about what
these fellas whom you've
only known for a few weeks are
gonna think about your granddad
whom you've known
all your life, huh?
Oh, come on, Dad,
you know what I mean.
Th-The guys just
aren't gonna understand.
Well, you handle it
any way you like, Mike.
Just be sure and don't hurt
your granddad's feelings, hmm?
Well, sure.
I'm going up and
do a little work now.
When your granddad
gets his uniform on,
tell him to come up and
show it to me, will you?
Okay.
Bub in his room?
Oh, yeah. He's in there
ironing that Zorro suit of his,
and Chip's watching him.
Listen, Rob, a
couple of the fellas
from school are coming...
Oh, my gosh, they're here.
Keep Bub out of sight
until we leave, huh?
Oh.
The drawbridge was down,
so we just let ourselves in.
Greetings Sigma Gamma Chi-to-be.
Won't be long now, huh, fellas?
Well, uh, I'm all
set, shall we go?
Well, what's your
hurry? We're early.
Yeah, besides, I got
to use your phone.
Elsie gets positively panicky
whenever she knows
she's gonna have
to do without me
for a whole evening.
Oh.
Hello? Oh, hello, Mrs. Stebbins.
May I speak to Elsie, please?
Oh. Oh, okay, it wasn't
too important anyway.
Uh, she was taking a bath.
Okay, okay, so she
got so panicky that
she had to go to a
movie with her girlfriend...
named George.
Okay, come on. Let's go.
Hey, wait a minute.
What's the rush?
I need refueling.
What do you got to eat?
Yeah, man, show me that kitchen.
You know, food is the one thing
that can cure a broken heart.
Well, what's the
matter with you guys?
Didn't you eat dinner?
Well, sure, but that
was almost an hour ago.
Well, uh, I'll tell you what.
We can stop on the way
and pick up a hot dog
or something, huh?
Boy, Douglas, you're not exactly
the hospitable type, are you?
Well, that's not it.
It, it's just that...
Well, we just don't happen
to have a decent thing
in the house to eat.
I mean, uh, nobody's done
the shopping for this week.
Hiya, guys.
You know, uh, that does
not exactly look like K-rations.
Robbie, what are you doing here?
Uh, I'm going to
London to visit the king.
This is my brother Robbie.
Hi, you guys.
Hi. You know, kid,
that looks like a pretty
good piece of cake.
Oh, yeah, and
there's plenty more.
Bub just baked one today.
I forgot. Uh, well, anyway,
Bub's still in his room, Mike.
Uh, see you later, Mike.
Boy, that's swell.
Isn't it? Yeah.
Where are you going?
Oh, I'm hungry.
Well, there's an
apple in the ice box.
Hey, how about if I treat
both you guys to a malt, huh?
How come?
Well, because I-I
just want to get going.
I'm kind of nervous
about this, uh,
fraternity bit, aren't you?
Well, yeah, but, uh, that's why
I got to eat something.
Oh, come on, Doug, we'll stop
and get a malt and a hot dog.
Well, that's fine.
Hi.
My good thumb, too.
Well, I... I told you, I-I
just want to get going.
En garde!
Selah, Selah!
That's Arabian.
It means "If you find oil,
remember the pasha
retains all mineral rights."
Well, Mike, don't
just stand there.
Introduce me to
these friends of yours.
Oh, Doug and Marty,
that's my grandfather.
Gentlemen.
Now, boys, I, I want to give you
a sort of a little
dress rehearsal
of what's gonna happen
to me tomorrow night.
We march around the lodge hall,
and while marching,
we sing the lodge song thusly.
♪ We are the musketeers,
we are the cavaliers ♪
♪ Through blood
and sweat and tears ♪
♪ We are one, son
of a gun, we're one! ♪
Estore, Estore, I vow to
protect thee with my life.
Victoria, Excelsior!
♪ We are the musketeers,
we are the cavaliers ♪
♪ Through blood
and sweat and tears ♪
♪ We are one, son of a
gun, we're one, son of a gun ♪
♪ We're one, we're
one, son of a gun ♪
♪ We're one, we're one! ♪
And then he says,
"Selah, Selah!"
and waves his stupid sword
around like he's flipped.
Well, you should have
seen Doug and Marty.
They thought he
was gonna take out
their appendix or something.
Mike, in spite of
all the dramatics
and all the exaggerating,
all you've said to me is
that a couple of your
friends saw your granddad
in his lodge uniform.
Oh, come on, Dad.
Look, I'm not so old that
I can't remember
how... how easy it is
to get embarrassed at a
lot of things at your age.
Believe me, you'll get over it.
You'll laugh about it later.
Dad, have you seen that
stupid hat with the feathers?
Sure, I've seen it.
Bub thinks it's pretty snazzy.
And if Bub likes
it, I like it, Mike.
You know his, uh,
installation as an officer
tomorrow night is
very important to him.
D'Artagnan of the East Oar?
Well, you've got to have
little green men running
around your bloodstream
to think that's... Mike.
Well, all right,
I'm trying to get into a
fraternity tomorrow night.
I think that's pretty
important, too.
I respect that, Mike.
Just the same as I
respect what Bub is doing.
I don't want Bub hurt, Mike,
and I don't think you do either.
Well, of course, I don't.
All right, then.
But Dad... Hmm?
Couldn't you just get
him to hide that hat?
Good night, Dad.
What are you gonna do
at the meeting tonight?
Well, I'm afraid I can't
tell you, Chip. It's a secret.
Do you slice each
other up with the swords?
Slice each other
up with the swords?
Why, this is a lodge,
not a delicatessen.
Do you swallow them?
Swallow what?
The swords.
Oh, we haven't tried
that yet. Now the hat.
No, no, no, don't horse
around with that bonnet.
It's all right with me,
but I'm afraid D'Artagnan
of the East Oar
might be a little riled.
Look all right?
Okay.
You sure are going
to a lot of trouble
to get in with a bunch of guys.
You wouldn't catch
me dressed up like that
for anybody but a girl.
Well, that's one reason
for being in a fraternity.
Girls really go for that jazz.
Hey, Rob? Yeah.
Do you want these ties?
Well, sure.
Thanks a lot, Mike. How come?
Well, they're all too wide.
I mean, they're
okay for high school
but not quite the
thing for college.
Brother! You used to throw a fit
if I even borrowed
one of your ties.
Well, I was younger
and more immature in those days.
Yeah, you sure were.
Hey, you can't have this tie.
Why not? You just gave it to me.
Well, I didn't mean
to give you this one.
I'm sure glad you went
to college and grew up.
Rob? Yeah.
What, uh, what was Bub doing
when you came upstairs?
He was in his room.
I guess he was getting ready
to go to his lodge meeting.
Oh, my gosh.
What's the matter?
I got to meet those
guys at the front door.
They're not going to see Bub
in his Superman outfit again.
How come they have to
come over here to meet you?
I'm the one with the car.
Hello.
Hey, what are you doing home?
I want to get going.
Selah, Selah!
That's Arabian.
It means, uh, don't
flip your burnoose.
Well, look, I-I'll be right
over and pick you guys up.
Oh, no, no, that's okay.
We'll be right there.
Uh, tell me, it's
okay if I bring
Al and Frank
and Philly, isn't it?
You know, I mean,
they've never seen a
real live D'Artagnan before.
Okay, now, Chip, you
vamoose off to bed,
and tomorrow I'll tell
you all about my big night.
I thought you were supposed
to keep everything a secret.
Well, I am, but, uh, I got a
hunch I'm going to be so excited,
I won't be able to
keep my big mouth shut.
Now I got to call up
old Max and Smitty.
They promised to
pick me up here tonight,
and I want to make sure
they're not going to be late.
Here, take this up with you.
Okay. Have a nice time.
I'm going to try, thanks.
Okay, so long.
We'll see you a little later.
No, I'll pick you up.
Don't you think you guys are
pushing this thing
a little too far?
I mean, what's so great
about seeing an old man
parade around in a Halloween
suit and Yankee Doodle hat?
Well, sure.
You know, you
ought to sell tickets.
All right, if you think
it's laughs to see
my grandfather
embarrass me, fine, but...
we went that route last night.
Let's, uh, skip the
repeat performance, huh?
You silly old fool.
Okay, okay, okay.
Where is he, where is he?
Oh, come on now, you guys.
This-this whole bit's
getting pretty silly, isn't it?
Oh, don't be a goofball Douglas.
These guys are
entitled to one shot
of your grandfather
in a lady's hat.
Look, you guys
know all about it.
Now the joke's all over, huh?
Excuse me.
Selah, Selah!
We have come for D'Artagnan!
Our noble leader.
Is, uh, William
O'Casey around here?
Uh... yeah.
Oh, uh, come in.
Bub.
Selah, Selah!
Yeah, great, great,
but, uh, let's knock it off
and get out of here, will you?
It is our honor to escort
you to our meeting place,
oh, exalted knight
of our brotherhood.
Yeah, yeah, but let's get going.
Oh, cease and desist brother.
D'Artagnan must
be in full plumage.
Uh-huh.
This is a glorious moment
in the proud history
of the Cavaliers.
Oh, cut it out, will
you, Smitty, cut it out!
Uh, I'll tell you what we'll do.
Let's-let's call off the
rest of the ceremony and...
All hail, all hail, Excelsior!
♪ We are the musketeers,
we are the cavaliers ♪
♪ Through blood and sweat
and tears, we are one ♪
♪ Son of a gun, we are one ♪
♪ We are the musketeers,
we are the cavaliers ♪
♪ Through blood and sweat
and tears, we are one ♪
♪ Son of a gun, we are one. ♪
Well, I, uh, didn't know
you were all in there.
Um, Dad, these are
some of the guys from school.
Hello, fellas.
Mike's grandfather is being, uh,
made an officer
of his lodge tonight.
That was, uh, his uniform.
Yes, sir, it looks
very good on him.
The feathers and the, uh,
cape, that's a sort of tradition,
like the, uh,
Carabinieri in Italy.
We understand, sir.
Well, I-I guess
we'd better be going.
Yeah, come on.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Well, lots of luck.
Mike.
Well, I guess your
friends didn't think
your granddad looked
so terrible, did they?
Oh, come on, Dad.
They're waiting out there
right now to give
me the business.
Oh?
Well, Mike, if you'd
stick up for your granddad
instead of being embarrassed
and ashamed of him,
maybe your friends
wouldn't get such a kick
out of making fun of him.
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
Bub is never going to
embarrass me like this again,
even if I have to move into
the fraternity house for good.
Good night, Dad.
♪ ♪
- Fish, fish.
- Fish, fish.
Fish. Get your fresh fish.
- Here, fishy, fishy.
- Louder!
Fish, fish, fish!
Here, fishy, fishy!
Fish. Here, fishy, fishy.
Louder!
Fish, fish, fish! Fish, fish!
Get your fish here!
Here, fishy, fishy!
Here, fishy, fishy!
Fish!
Do you want to trade jobs?
No, thanks.
Here, fishy, fishy!
Boy, you wouldn't think
a fraternity would subject
its members to ridicule
like this, would you?
Fish, fish! Fish, fish!
The ridicule I don't mind,
only the nose is offended.
Fish! Fish!
Fish!
Hey, relax, will you?
So far we're lucky.
They haven't asked
us to eat any of it yet.
I don't know which would be
worse, eating a live goldfish
or a, or a mackerel that's
been dead for six months.
Fish, fish! Fish, fish!
Fish, fish, fish!
Here, fishy, fishy!
Fish! Here, fishy, fishy!
Get your fish here!
Fish, fish! Here, fishy, fishy!
Here, fishy, fishy! Fish!
Fi... I just wish I hadn't
eaten that banana split.
Come on, you're making me sick.
Douglas.
Fish, fish!
Douglas, stand up.
Oh, yes, sir.
Douglas, what's
the matter with you?
Have you decided you don't
want to be a Sigma Gam?
Oh, no, sir.
I-I mean, yes, sir.
Well?
Yes, Mr. Wilson.
I'm sorry.
Fish!
Here, fishy, fishy! Fish!
Fish! Fish!
Fish! Fish, fish!
Here, fishy, fishy!
Hi, Dad.
Hello, Mike.
Well, how did your evening go?
Oh, fine.
It was one of those
open air things, you know.
Bub isn't home
from his meeting yet.
Oh.
By the way, uh, did
you catch anything?
What do you mean?
You know, I-I thought I knew
all the good fishing
spots around here, but, uh,
I didn't know it was any good
in front of Miller's Drugstore.
Uh, but a college man
like yourself wouldn't be
sitting there just
to make himself
look ridiculous, would he?
Hey, how did you
find out about that?
I, uh, ran out of pipe tobacco.
So I walked
downtown to get some.
I saw you.
Well, it was part of our hazing.
You must, uh, want to get into
that fraternity
pretty badly, Mike.
Well, sure I do.
You know that.
I just thought when you
found out you had to do
ridiculous things
like you did tonight,
you might have
changed your mind.
No.
Well, it-it was kind of
embarrassing for a while,
but we had some good laughs.
Besides, it's... it's not as bad
as it seems when you're not
the only one who's
doing ridiculous things.
I want to tell you, Mike,
I got away from there
as fast as I could.
Why?
Well, you can
imagine how I felt.
Seeing my oldest son
sitting there on a curb
with a Simple Simon
outfit, fishing in the gutter.
What if some of my
friends had come along
or some of my
business associates?
You, of all people, can
understand how I must have felt.
Yeah, but, Dad,
it was part of a...
Oh, there's a message there.
Yeah.
There's a message there.
Yeah, well, it-it
isn't the same thing.
I was being initiated.
Bub was parading around here...
Well... It is the
same thing, isn't it?
That's right.
Well, I thought I'd stay
up and see how everything
went with Bub, but I don't
think I'm going to make it.
You'd better get to bed, too.
Yeah.
Well, uh, Dad.
I, uh, I'm not very tired.
I guess I'll stay
up for a while.
Fine.
Good night, Mike.
Good night, Dad.
Shh, shh, shh.
Mike, why don't you go
and sleep in your
bed where you belong.
Oh, I... I was, uh,
waiting up for you.
Oh, I see.
You figured I might get arrested
running through the
streets in this outfit, huh?
Well, if they didn't arrest me
doing what I was doing tonight,
then you don't have to worry.
Well, what were you doing?
I was fishing in front
of Miller's Drugstore.
It was... it was part of
my initiation
for the fraternity.
You should have seen me.
I had tails on and-and
tights and tennis shoes
and-and a tall hat with plumes.
I'm glad you didn't see me.
You'd have been embarrassed.
The important thing is
did you have any fun?
I sure did.
Did, uh, did you?
Oh, I sure did.
I'll tell you what we need.
Suppose we go
and fortify ourselves
with a good slug of milk.
And then we can get
ready for our next soirée.
Okay. Good.
S-Say, what was that song
your-your lodge
brothers were singing?
Uh, musketeers... ♪
We are the musketeers ♪
♪ Musketeers ♪
♪ We are the cavaliers
♪ ♪ Cavaliers ♪
♪ Through blood
and sweat and tears ♪
♪ We are the one,
son of a gun. ♪