My Three Sons (1960–1972): Season 2, Episode 7 - A Lesson in Any Language - full transcript

Hey, Mike, come on, let's go.

You said you were gonna drive
Chip and me to school today.

Easy, lad, I'll get
you there on time.

Just getting in the mood.

Yeah, well, listening
to cha-cha music

isn't gonna pull you
through that Spanish test

next week, el playboy.

You'd better knuckle down
and do some fancy studying.

Señor, that is exactly
the kind of studying

I'm going to do.

What do you mean?



Fancy studying.

Russ Burton's got a Spanish
teacher lined up for me

to study with me
every night next week.

A Spanish teacher?

That's what I said.

I got a hunch she's
a shapely señorita.

Well, what do you mean,
you've got a hunch?

Don't you know?

Well, I haven't met her yet.

We're gonna be
introduced this morning.

Bub, I had a paper like
this filled with equations.

Have you seen it
anyplace? No, I didn't see it.

Well, maybe you
covered it up or something.

Don't touch those... I got
them just the way I want them.



If I'd have seen it,
I'd have picked it up.

I'm the neatest housekeeper
in town, and you know it.

And, uh, like Russ says,

the only way to learn
a romance language

is in a warm, relaxed
atmosphere, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, uh, maybe you
could get her to help me

with my Spanish,
huh? Oh, no, you don't.

You'd better leave
this kind of stuff

to your, uh, elders.

I worked so late
last night, I'm groggy.

I have no idea
what I did with it.

It's got to be around
here someplace.

Remember, Bub, you
said I could help you

with the painting after school.

I suppose I did...
I got a big mouth.

Let's go, small fry.
Bye, Dad. Bye, Bub.

Good-bye, Rob.

Uh... good-bye, Dad.

Good-bye, Mike.

Oh. You'll be back
Sunday night, then, huh?

Yeah. And not too late, and
have fun and take it easy.

Thanks, Dad. What do
you mean, Sunday night?

Where are you gonna be
tonight and Saturday night?

Well, I'm going on a skiing
trip with Tim and Russ.

A skiing trip in the
middle of a school term?

Don't you have an
exam next week?

Well, sure, but... well, I'm
in great shape with school.

You don't think I'd take a
chance leaving if I weren't, do you?

Sure you would. Well, so long.

Save some painting for me.

All right, you can
paint the driveway.

I believe that guy's giving
you a snow job with real snow.

Well, college is a grind, Bub.

Mike could use a little
relaxation from his studies.

Yeah, I noticed the way
he's been concentrating lately.

If he were any more
relaxed, he couldn't stand up.

Steve, I can see that I'm
gonna be of no further use

to this family.

I'm sorry, but I'm
gonna have to ask you

for a divorce. Oh?
On what grounds?

You're spoiling the kids.

You've given Mike
free rein around here,

and he's taken advantage of you.

He should be given
some discipline.

Bub, Mike's not a kid anymore.

You don't spank a college man.

When a boy gets older, you
treat him differently, you know that.

Well, if people are gonna
be getting the royal treatment

around here because
they're getting older...

all hail the new king.

I don't know what I
did with that paper,

but I suppose it'll turn up...

somewhere.

Joe and I are still trying
to work out that problem

down at Casey Aeronautics...
If we don't lick it today,

we're gonna have to work
over the weekend, I'm afraid.

And that's another thing.

In my day, we called
our boss "mister."

That's the point.

Things have changed, Bub.

That's why I say
don't worry about Mike.

My psychology is to show Mike

that I have complete
confidence in him.

And believe me, with
that kind of treatment

he's gonna be all right.

It seems to me I
read a similar speech

by the parent of a man who
became very famous. Oh?

I think it was the mother
of Baby Face Nelson.

Hi, you guys.

Well, where's the, uh, señorita?

Where is who?

Well, my Spanish tutor.

Oh. Right there,
standing beside you.

Right here.

Oh, but... Oh, brother!

I might've known you'd come
up with something like this.

No kidding, look,
this is really wild stuff.

Isn't it?

Oh, the "sleep while
you learn" method

has been in existence
for years... it works.

While you sleep,
the record plays

repetitive phrases
over and over,

and even in one
night, you can absorb

a few basic words and...
maybe even a phrase or two.

When I think of the time
that I wasted sleeping in class.

Boy, if I had one of
these things turned on,

I'd be a genius by now!

Instead of Professor Fowler,
you take a sleeping pill.

Hey, could we hear
what it sounds like? Sure.

What language are you studying?

Uh, Spanish, elementary Spanish.

Okay.

Keep in mind that this
is not as comprehensive

as a regular classroom course.

It just gives you the
basic fundamentals.

Professor Fowler's back again.

Relax.

Be completely relaxed

and let your subconscious
do the work for you.

Sleep.

Sleep. Sleep.

Hey, what happens if you
can't sleep, you stay stupid?

Shh!

Good day.

Buenos días.

Buenos días.

Good night.

Buenas noches.

Buenas noches.

Come on, when are
we gonna get going?

Don't want to miss that
moonlight toboggan caper.

Take it easy, will
you? Keep it down.

I don't want Bub to
know I'm setting this up.

But why can't you do this
Sunday when we get back?

Because setting up
an auxiliary speaker

and an automatic
control is no simple job.

And when I get home
Sunday, I don't want to spend

half the night
working on this thing.

I want to go to sleep and study.

Hi, Tramp!

Sorry, boy, you can't go in.

I got to help Bub
paint Dad's room.

He's depending on me.

Bad boy.

Oh, he finished it without me!

Jeepers, Bub, you promised
I could help paint something!

Yeah, well, you just did.

Now I got to wipe
this off before it dries.

How come? You
look good as a beatnik.

Leave it on.

Yeah, well, it
might tickle the girls.

How are you?

¿Como está usted?

¿Como está usted?

Aw, come on,
Mike, let's go, huh?

Okay, okay.

All I have to
do... is unplug this

and plug it through
the automatic control.

And then I set this up here.

Now, it turns the machine
on at 12:00 midnight,

plays for six
hours, turns it off,

then the following
midnight, turns it back on

and goes through
the whole cycle.

Pretty clever, huh? Seems
to me like you're doing

a lot of work just to get out
of doing a little work. Hey.

Save that kind of
philosophy for old folks, huh?

Come on, now, let's
get out of here. Okay.

All right, now, Rembrandt,

let me see you
do a little painting.

There you go.

Down, up, down,
up... How's that?

I'm sorry. That's
very nice, very nice.

Give me your hand.

Turn it over.

Now turn it over.

I'm sorry, too.

Now, come here,
and I'll wash you off.

Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute, you guys.

I'd better say good-bye to Bub.

Bub, I'm leaving... I
just wanted to say...

Hey, you got paint
all over your face.

Yeah, the brush
jumped up and bit me.

Oh. Well, I just wanted to say
I'm leaving. See you Sunday.

Well, if I had my way,

you'd stay home here
and do some studying.

Now, you take care
of yourself up there

and don't let the squirrels
bite you. Okay. Good-bye.

Bring back my
snowball. Bye. Okay.

Now, now we're all right.

Come on, I'll finish
this job up for you.

On the local front,

predicted showers
turning to snow,

perhaps hail, later
in the afternoon.

There you are... the
other network says

it's gonna be nice
and warm tomorrow.

Yeah, we might as well switch
back to the other network.

As long as I have to drive
in to the office tomorrow,

I might as well drive
in in good weather.

Well, better go up, I guess.

Hey, Bub, I don't know whether
I can sleep in my room tonight.

That paint smell is murder.

Yeah, I noticed
that... It smells like

the inside of a
tunnel full of traffic.

Yeah. Maybe I ought
to sleep down here.

Well, why don't
you try Mike's room.

He's gone for the weekend.

That's right, I never
even thought of it.

Well, I still have some
homework to do before I go to bed.

Oh, you haven't figured
out that problem yet, huh?

You know, and I don't know why

we can't get the
solution to that thing.

It's probably some simple answer

that I learned
years ago in school.

Well, just get a
good night's sleep,

and you'll have a clear
head in the morning.

Good night, Bub. Good night.

11:30.

Well, I'll try again
in the morning.

Relax.

Be completely relaxed

and let your subconscious

do the work for you.

Sleep.

Sleep.

Sleep.

Good day.

Buenos días.

Buenos días.

Good night.

Buenas noches.

Buenas noches.

Give it to me again, Chip.

How do you say,
"Where's the post office?"

Give him a hint, like
telling him the answer.

No, Bub, I got to
get this on my own.

If I only knew the Spanish
word for "post office"

and "where" and "is."

Hello?

No, I'm sorry, you
have the wrong number.

This is 2-2-1-1-0.

That's all right.

Adiós.

"Adiós"?

Morning, Bub.

Morning. How'd you
sleep in Mike's bed?

Well, uh, it was
kind of a weird night.

I, uh, I slept all
right, I guess,

it was just that, uh, well, I
kept hearing voices all night.

Well, you were probably worried
about that engineering problem.

Yeah, I guess that
must have been it.

How'll you have your
scrambled eggs this morning?

Oh, same as usual,
I guess-scrambled.

Jeepers, you gonna take all day?

How do you say,
"Where's the post office?"

"Donde"... that means "where."

¿Donde está el correo?

Well, that's right, Dad.

Do you speak Spanish?

No. Then how did you know

how to say, "Where's
the post office?"

I don't know.

How did I know?

Well, you probably
picked it up watching TV.

I learned Japanese
watching movies.

No kidding. How do you say,

"Where's the post
office?" in Japanese?

Sayonara.

All right, Bub, maybe
you're right, though.

I must have picked it
up someplace like that.

Here, next page, Chip.

The cow is black.

La vaca es negra.

I don't understand this.

You want to change your
order to Spanish omelet?

I just don't understand this.

Maybe you read this
book once or something.

No, no, I didn't.

Or, or in Mike's textbook.

That's practically the
same course as mine, Dad.

Look, I've never
read a Spanish book.

I don't know how
to read Spanish.

I don't speak it and
I don't understand it.

Oh, yeah? Well,
all I can say is,

I'm commencing to feel
like Desi Arnaz's houseboy.

Dad, is there some reason
that you don't want us

to know that you speak Spanish?

Of course not.

Once and for all, I
do not speak Spanish.

Of course, I just did, didn't I?

Yes.

And, there's got to
be some explanation

for this whole thing.

You can't just go to bed

and wake up spouting
Spanish like a bullfighter.

Maybe you were in
Spain once, or something.

Of course I wasn't in
Spain once or something.

I'd remember that, wouldn't I?

Maybe it's too painful to
remember, Dad. Or maybe...

Oh, for goodness sakes. I
tell you, I don't speak Spanish.

How would you say,

"The airplane landed
on the field," in Spanish?

I don't know.

I don't know. You see?

That-that proves I
must have just picked up

a couple of words
someplace, that's all.

Come on, Robbie.
Let's finish this.

How do you say "Good
morning, madam"?

Buenos días, señora.

Dad, are you trying
to hide from us

that once you were
in a Spanish prison?

Don't be ridiculous.

As you say, there must be
some logical, simple explanation

to this whole thing,
which... I haven't got time

to figure out now,
but I'll work on it.

I've lost my appetite.
I'm going to work.

I'll see you all tonight.

Bye, Dad. Bye, Dad.

Hasta la vista.

He's just playing some kind
of a game on us, that's all.

Sure, he probably
read Mike's textbook

and wants to surprise us.

You're right.

And, as soon as I
finish my breakfast,

I've got to go in there
and paint my room,

and I want you two
guys out of here.

Can I help? Please,
Bub, let me help.

Now, listen, Chip. It's
such a nice, beautiful day.

You go on over to Sudsy's
and play cowboys and Indians.

Oh, well, all right.

Well, good morning, Steve.

Buenos días, José.

Sorry you had to
come in on Saturday.

Say, what's with
the Spanish jazz?

Hmm? Oh.

I didn't know you
spoke Spanish, Steve.

Well, I-I don't.

Well, I-I do, but, uh...

Well, what I mean is,

I didn't speak Spanish
before this morning.

You didn't speak
Spanish until this morning?

That's right.

Look, Joe, uh,
let's not talk about it.

Th-The whole
thing is pretty silly.

Oh, no, no. It
isn't silly at all.

This is very interesting.

Exactly how much
Spanish do you speak?

I haven't the faintest idea.

Well, who's your teacher?

I don't have a teacher, Joe.

I just, uh, sort
of picked it up.

Where?

I took Spanish pills, Joe.

Oh, no, no. Seriously, Steve.

I'm, uh, interested.

I-I don't speak
the language, Joe.

I, uh, I just happened to pick
up a few words someplace.

You, uh, just happened to pick
up a few words somewhere?

That's right.

Say, you know, I-I
promised Fred Thompson

I'd, uh, see him this morning
on those, uh, estimates

on the X201 and I, uh,
I'd better get over there

before he takes his,
uh, 10:00 martini break.

I'll see you, Joe.

Mr. Wantley? Joe Walters.

I think I found out what
you wanted to know

about Douglas's future plans.

It looks like he's taking that
South American offer he had.

Well, why else would he
learn to speak Spanish?

Oh, fluently.

All right. So we'll
go on the theory

that at some time
during my life,

I had an attack of amnesia.

But when could it have happened?

Well, I've known you
for over a hundred years,

and you've been
clean all that time.

Well, there you are.

I'll just have to go over
every step of my life,

and if I don't find out where
I picked up this Spanish,

I may never sleep again.

I may not ever even eat again.

That's pretty frightening.

Steve, whatever we
discover in your past,

just remember this:

I'm right behind you.

Yeah. Me, too, Dad.

Me, too. Even if you
did something horrible.

Thank you.

Well, I'm going to hit the sack.

I'm pooped from
all this painting.

Which, by the way,
nobody commented on.

Either in Spanish or English.

Now, get out of here, you two.

We weren't going to bed.

Oh, yes, you are. Your dad's
got a lot of things on his mind.

Now get out of here. Scat.

Good night, Dad.
Good night, Dad.

Yeah, good night.
Come on, hurry up.

I can't sleep.

Are you still at it?

I'm still at it.

You know something, Bub? I
have never spoken Spanish before.

I went back over my whole life,
way back to when I was a baby.

I couldn't even
speak English then.

There's only one thing for
me to do: go to a psychiatrist.

Maybe he can pull something
out of my subconscious

or whatever they do.

Yeah? Well, I think you've
gone about far enough

with this little game.

What little game?

No man can go to bed at
night and wake up the next day

speaking a language
he never heard of before.

Well, I did.

Well, my congratulations.

Thank you.

And if you wake up tomorrow

speaking Egyptian,

please give my
regards to King Farouk.

Good night.

Oh, and I've got the smell
of paint in my room now,

so if you're going to use
your own room tonight,

I'll sleep in Mike's room.

Fine.

Uh, Steve I'm-I'm
sorry I hollered,

but you've got to admit
that this Spanish stuff

is a little difficult
to believe.

Yeah.

Good night. Good night.

Again.

Relax.

Be completely relaxed.

And let your subconscious
do the work for you.

Sleep. Sleep.

Sleep.

Good day.

Buenos días.

Buenos días.

Gosh, what a night.

Hi, Bub. Hi.

Voices, voices, voices.

I bet I didn't sleep
a wink all night.

I'm making my
own breakfast, Bub.

Well, bully for you.
That's a little help.

Oh, you're awake. Hi.

Hi, Dad. You boys
got up kind of early

for a Sunday
morning, didn't you?

Hey, Dad, did you find out how
come you can speak Spanish?

No, I didn't.

Well, you're not
going to confess, huh?

Look, you're acting
as though I delivered

the Preamble to the
Constitution in Spanish.

I just said a few
phrases, that's all.

Now, let's forget the
whole thing, shall we?

Come on, Dad. Try it once more.

How do you say
"I like breakfast"?

Now, look, Robbie...
Me gusta desayuno.

Now, Bub, it just
can't be coincidence

that we each slept
in this room one night

and woke up the next morning,

speaking a language
we don't even know.

There's got to
be a reason for it.

Well, we both heard voices.

That's right.

Now, that must have had
something to do with it,

but where did the
voices come from?

Maybe that record player.

Yeah.

I didn't turn it on, did you?

No.

Hey, lookit here.

He's got it hooked up
to an automatic timer.

Automatic, huh?

And it's set for 12:00 midnight.

Hmm. That's it.

Let me turn it on manually.

Relax.

Be completely relaxed.

Let your subconscious
do the work for you.

Look here. Uh... Sleep. Sleep.

Well, what do you know? Yeah.

It's a language learning
record. Learn while you sleep.

Si, si.

How do you like
that little rascal?

That's why he can duck out and,
uh, still get his homework done.

Yeah. Pretty tricky. Yeah.

Of course, I guess you can
learn from a thing like this.

We did. But it can't
compare with being taught

in a classroom by a teacher.

No. Now, do you admit that
you've been too soft with Mike?

Look at the stunt he's pulling
to get through school easy.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, a thing like this
can work two ways, Bub.

I don't know what you mean.

You'll find out.

Well, I'm, uh, I'm
sorry I caused you

so much confusion, Dad.

That's all right, Mike.

We had a little
excitement and, uh...

a little education
along with it.

Mike, I'd like to borrow
that record of yours.

I may want to take
some cha-cha lessons.

You don't have to speak
Spanish to cha-cha, Bub.

I know, but if I ever
step on the toes

of one of those
Spanish instructors,

I want to hear exactly
what she thinks of me.

Excuse me, Chip.

All right, you guys. It's
about time to get going,

be at our respective
institutions of learning.

Come on, Chip.

Well, take it easy, Speedy.

So what if we're a little
late once in a while?

Robbie, there are reasons

why we're not supposed
to be late to school.

Number one is
to instill discipline.

Number two is so that we
won't waste one precious moment

of these years of our lives,

because these are the
platinum years. Now, let's go.

What are you
bucking for, anyhow?

Uh, poet laureate of the
boys' gym or something?

Come on, Chip.

I didn't understand
anything he said.

Now, Chip, wipe
your mouth. Here.

Dad, I told you I was going
on that skiing trip next weekend.

Well, I've, uh, canceled out
because I'd better stay home

and study some of
my weaker subjects.

Fine Mike, what, uh,
whatever you think is best.

Well... yeah.

Okay, well, see you later.

Wow. Okay.

Psychology works both ways.

How'd you do it?

Now, you're asleep,
Mike. You are fast asleep.

Now, remember this.

Old age may be the golden years,

but the years we spend in
school are the platinum years.

And to waste one moment
of this precious time

is to forfeit any right we have

to share in the wonderful
experience of learning.

You sound a little like

an announcer I knew
in Burlington, Iowa.

Now, you're asleep
Mike, you are fast asleep.

I repeated it 28 times.

Well, it sunk in.

Old age may be the golden years,

but the years we
spend in school are the...

Hello?

Oh, yes, Joe.

I'm fine. Say-say, Joe,

I, uh, I found out how I
came to be speaking Spanish.

It's a crazy thing,
but... A raise?

Well, of course, I'm always
glad to get a raise, Joe, but...

Oh.

No, I... Well, yes,
as a matter of fact...

As a matter of fact, Joe,
I-I was considering an offer.

Of course not, Joe.

If you don't want me to, I
won't go to South America.

No.

Well, thanks again, Joe.

Right. Good-bye.

What's that about
a raise in pay?

Well, I must have
said something that, uh,

psychologically set
him up for a raise in pay.

But what was it?

I don't know.

But subconsciously, Bub, I
must be a very clever man.

Adiós, amigo.

Hasta la vista, hombre.