My Three Sons (1960–1972): Season 2, Episode 4 - Tramp the Hero - full transcript

Hi, Bub, what you doing?

Well, sir, I'm sending
smoke signals

to some Cherokee pals of
mine behind the fence there.

Do you mind?

And you keep that bale of hay
away from those hamburgers.

How come we're eating out here?

Well, I thought it'd be
kind of nice for a change.

Now, you run in the kitchen
and bring out the paper plates

to eat the dinner on, will you?

Okay. Hey, how come we're
going to eat out here, Bub?

Because I'm
getting sick and tired



of eating in that kitchen.

Now, you grab hold of
here and help me wrestle

with this fire for a
minute, will you?

Oh, sure.

Well, Bub, you're
probably not letting

enough oxygen
get at the charcoal.

Mm-hmm, I knew it would
be something like that.

Hi. Hi.

Say, how come
we're eating out here?

Well, I loaned the cook stove

to the Boy Scouts
for a jamboree.

Now, come on, you fellas,
help me set this table.

Let's get ready
before your dad comes.

Well, let me get out
of these dirty clothes.



All right.

Robbie, you go
get the silverware.

Pull that down.

Hi, Chip.

Hi.

Hi, Mr. O'Casey.

Oh, hi, Sudsy.

I came around back because I
could smell you were out here.

Well, that's the nicest
compliment I've had all day.

Thank you. That's okay.

Hey, Chip, my mom
says I can have a dog.

Boy.

What kind of a dog?

I don't know, but she says

it's not going to be a
dumb one like Tramp.

Tramp isn't neither a dumb dog.

Sure he is.

He is not.

What can he do?

He can do lots of stuff.

Like what?

Well, he can bark
at cats real good.

Any goofy dog can
bark at cats. They cannot.

They can, too. Cannot.

Oh, now, you two, cut that out.

I was just trying to tell Chip

that Tramp was
dumb, Mr. O'Casey.

Well, we're going
to have dinner now.

Okay.

I couldn't stay, even
if you asked me,

because we're having steaks.

Now, don't you let
him bother you, Chip.

Yeah, wait till you
have a science project

to turn in, like I have.

Then you can start worrying.

What do you care what
kind of a dog Sudsy gets?

Hey, get off of there.

Tramp! Tramp!

That's all we
need around here...

A shaggy horse
that eats hamburgers.

Get him down off of there.

He was just hungry, Bub. Oh...

Well, so am I, let's get going.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Dad.

How come we're eating outside?

The kitchen is full of
Mau-Maus having an uprising.

What's this all about?

Somebody must
have said something.

Shake hands.

Play dead.

Boy, isn't he neat?

Yeah.

He can do so many tricks,

it hurts my head to
remember 'em all.

Yeah, well, I'd better go now.

Do you want to
shake hands with him?

Well, okay.

Shake.

I'll lend him to
you once in a while

when you get tired of
that dumb old Tramp

not being able to do nothing.

He can, too, do all this stuff.

It's just, I never asked him to.

Don't tire the dog, boys.

Mom, can I take him for a walk

so I can show Mike,
Robbie, and Mr. Douglas

how he can do tricks?

Maybe in a day or so, dear.

First you must let Bismarck
get acquainted with us.

Bismarck... is that his name?

Yeah. He's a German shepherd
and Bismarck is a German guy.

Doesn't he care if you
name a dog after him?

Uh-uh. He died a long time ago,

before television came in, even.

He's a pedigree dog, Chip.

He has papers that
trace his ancestry back

through several generations.

We might even enter
him in a dog show.

Here you are, Bismarck.

Watch the neat way he eats.

He doesn't slop
around like Tramp.

See how good he chews.

Yeah, well, I'd better go now.

Oh, Sudsy, I want you to run

to the store for Mama.

We'll need a pound of hamburger

for your father's
dinner tonight.

Shake.

All right, sit up.

Up, sit up.

Ah, come on, Tramp, sit up.

Oh, cut it out, Tramp.

All right, let's see
if you can speak.

Speak, speak.

Attaboy, Tramp, I knew
you could do something.

Tramp.

Good boy.

The old cat, Tramp. Come on.

Dad, can I talk to
you for a minute?

Oh, sure, Chip.

What's the idea,
locking the doors?

I don't want Robbie and Mike

to hear what I'm gonna ask you.

Oh, a big secret, huh?

Go ahead, shoot.

Do you think Tramp's stupid?

Well, Chip, I wouldn't say
Tramp is an egghead among dogs,

but I-I wouldn't exactly
say he's stupid, either.

How can you tell?

Well, for one thing,
Tramp can, uh...

Uh, why do you ask, Chip?

Well, Sudsy's got a dog,
and it can do all kinds of junk.

And all Tramp can
do is just bark at cats.

Hey!

Well, I think maybe Tramp has...
How come the door's locked?

A little different kind of
intelligence from other dogs.

Hey, come on, you guys.

I mean, for one thing,
I'll bet you he could win

the Canine World's Championship

for finding the softest place
in the house to lie down.

Do you think maybe he doesn't
understand English or something?

Well, that's possible, Chip.

I knew a Chinese woman once
that had a Portuguese parrot.

Neither one of them thought
the other one knew anything.

Hey, how come the door's locked?

Anyway, I wouldn't
worry about it, Chip.

And you'd better open the door
before Rob breaks it down, hmm?

Hey, how selfish can you get?

It's about time.

What do you want?

Well, I just wanted to find
out why the doors were locked.

Gee, Dad, I wish I'd
picked something else

besides this soil
erosion for my project.

I think soil erosion is a
very good subject, Rob.

Yeah, well, what does
this look like to you?

Looks like a pile of dirt.

Well, it's supposed
to be Mount McKinley

with an alluvial plane approach.

Oh.

I guess maybe I was just
looking at it from the wrong angle.

What are you looking
at out there, Chip?

Sudsy and that
clunky dog of his. Oh.

He's just hanging around

so you'll invite him in.

And, uh, you don't
want me to, is that it?

Uh-uh. If you invite him,
he'll make Bismarck do tricks

to show how dumb Tramp is.

Bismarck, huh? That's
quite a name for a dog.

He's a German guy that
died before television.

Is that so?

Hey, wait till you see all the
tricks that Sudsy's dog can do.

Sudsy, come on in.

Oh, hi, Sudsy.

Hi, Mr. Douglas.

Hey, that's a mighty
pretty dog you got there.

Yes, sir.

My mother says I can't
brag about him too much.

But it's all right if I'm
quietly proud of him.

Oh, I see.

What's that little bale of
hay hiding up there for?

He's not hiding.
He likes it up there.

Okay, Sudsy, how about putting
Bismarck through his paces?

Uh, Mike, I think
maybe it'd be better

if Sudsy showed us
Bismarck's tricks some other day.

Maybe when we're
all outside some time.

Oh, y-yeah.

Maybe that's right.

And besides, if he knocks
over my project, Sudsy,

I'll get pretty sore.

He won't. He's not
clumsy like Tramp is.

Sit.

Lie down.

Play dead.

Well, that's, uh,
that's fine, Sudsy.

Speak.

Well, he certainly is
beautifully trained, Sudsy.

Yeah.

Well, I guess it's about
time for our dinner.

Eh, Bub? No.

Oh, yes. Yes, it is. Yes.

I-I can smell it.

He can do lots more stuff.

Yeah, well... I bet he can.

We'll look at him
some other time.

Dinner's just about
ready, so, uh...

Good-bye. why don't
you take Bismarck home.

Yeah. Uh, yeah.

Good-bye, Sudsy.

Come on, Tramp.

That smart aleck's gone.

Come here, come here,
boy. Bismarck can't do this.

Take it easy.

Look what he did.

He's the dumbest
dog I've ever seen.

Why, he hasn't
got a brain in his...

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

Come on, Tramp.

Well, I'll go and clean up.

Uh, yell when
dinner's ready, huh?

All right.

Chipper?

Yeah, Dad?

I was just thinking, uh...

Would you like for me
to give Tramp away?

What are you talking about?

Well, I know how you must feel.

To tell you the truth,
I was a little, uh,

embarrassed for you down there.

How come?

Well, Tramp
couldn't do anything,

and Bismarck is so well-trained.

I'm sure there must
be a family someplace

that would just love to
have a dog like Tramp,

even though he
can't do any tricks.

Jeepers, Dad.

Are you trying to
teach me a lesson?

Yeah.

I guess I am, Chip.

Now, look at what you're
doing right now, for instance.

What?

Well, you've got your
arm around a friend.

Now, all the tricks in the world

can't make up
for that, can they?

Jeepers, Dad.

I didn't mean just
throw him away.

He's smart. He
just isn't educated.

I guess that's all I
wanted to say, Chip.

Lie down, baby.

Daddy will put your
bottle onto heat.

Frederick, I think it's time

you heated Sally's bottle.

Okay.

Did you burp Betty
Lou, Frederick?

I don't mind playing
house, Dianne,

but I wish you wouldn't
think of so many goofy things

for me to do.

Never mind. I'll do it myself.

Hand me the bottle.

Daddy's had a hard
day at the office.

That's why he's so grumpy.

Why don't we go over
to the playground?

See if we can't get in a game of
something instead of doing this?

Because your mother said
you had to stay right here

till she got back
from the store.

And besides, we have a visitor.

Hi, Freddy. Hi, Dianne.

Hi, Chip.

Hi.

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing.

We're playing house.

Invite our visitor
in, Frederick.

Oh, come on, Dianne.

Come on in, Chip.

You'll have to forgive
the way the house looks,

but I haven't had a
moment to myself,

what with the babies and all.

Frederick, where
are your manners?

You haven't even asked
our guest to sit down.

There's no place to sit,

except on the
oven or in the crib.

Here, you take her for a while.

How come you came over here?

I don't know.

I guess I just wanted to.

You sore at Sudsy or something?

No. I just don't want
to see him for a while.

Frederick, put Betty
Lou down for a while.

Jeepers, did you
teach him to do that?

Uh-uh. I did.

He's my dog.

Sally's walking
beautifully, too.

Jeepers, is she a
movie dog or something?

No, she's mine.

My brother taught her.

Well, how come, if
they're such ordinary dogs,

they can do so much stuff?

You have to teach them.

Yeah.

Boy, I bet I told my dog
to sit up a million times

before he ever did anything.

Yeah, well, I'd better go.

Oh, won't you stay
and have a cup of tea?

No, I got something I got to do.

Well, come again when
you're in the neighborhood.

Jump.

Oh, come on, Tramp, and jump.

Or walk over it, then.

Chip, I borrowed
a book from a guy

that's all about training dogs.

What's it say?

It says you got to pick one word

and then say it over and
over until the dog digs it.

You can't just say a whole
bunch of words together like,

"Come on, Tramp,
jump over the stick."

Well, let's try it.

Okay. Well, we'll pick one
word like... well, like, jump.

Tramp, back up.

Jump.

All he does is pant.

You can't expect him
to learn it right away.

You got to say it
about 800 times.

Tramp... jump.

Jump.

Jump. Jump.

Jump, Tramp. Jump!

Jump, Tramp. Jump.

Jump, Tramp.

Boy, I bet we said it a
million times already.

No, we haven't.

Besides, Mike's saying,

"Jump, Tramp,"
instead of just "Jump."

That's two words instead of one.

Oh, let's face it, gang.

We've got a dog
that's a little stupid.

Don't talk about
Tramp like that.

Why? He doesn't know
what stupid means?

He might guess.

Yes, well, but...

Well, the book I bought said

that you ought to start
with the easier tricks,

like sit.

You mean, you brought
a book home, too, Mike?

Well, I didn't like the idea

of Chip being embarrassed
by Sudsy all the time.

Well, let's try it anyway.

Yeah, come on, let's try it.

Sit. Sit. Sit.

Sit, Tramp.

Hey, he's doing something.

No, he isn't, but it
looks like he wants to.

If you ask me, he
wants to go to sleep.

Now, speaking of going to sleep,

it's time for you
kids to hit the sack.

Sit, Tramp, come
on. Come on, Tramp.

Sit, please, Tramp. Come
on, sit, boy. Come on, sit.

Hey, I made a suggestion.

Now, if you want me
to rephrase it, I will.

Mike, Robbie. Oh,
okay. Oh, okay.

Come on. Good night, Dad.

Mike? Mike? You,
too. Tramp, sit. Sit.

Oh, my first class
is 10:00, Dad.

Yeah, but you still
have that trig homework

you were complaining
about, remember?

Oh, yeah.

Good night.

It's ridiculous to try to
teach an animal tricks

at this stage of the game.

Besides, who wants a canine
Einstein around the house?

That's right, Bub.

Now, Tramp, old boy...

Here.

All right, now, Tramp, let's
really get at this thing, now.

Now, pay attention, right.

Oh, no.

Okay.

You're a good dog.

You're a good dog.

Oh, don't you guys horse around

with the new science
project I started.

What's it look like so I'll know
what not to horse around with?

Well, it's a cross section
of the Earth's strata.

Starting with the Paleozoic

straight to the
Pleistocene to the present.

Oh.

How come I'm always the guy
that has to go out and get the paper?

Well, I was gonna get it,
except you yelled at me

because the mush
was getting cold.

They always have
an excuse, don't they?

Oh, by the way, Bub,

there's a striped
thing in the back porch.

Don't throw it out, though,
because it's my science project.

I'll remember that.

Uh-oh. What's this?

This is Sudsy, isn't it?

Where?

Right here.

Hey. Yeah, it is.

What's it say?

"Young Hubert Pfeiffer

"as shown with
his dog, Bismarck.

"Bismarck achieved
97-and-a-half points

in the obedience trials at
the dog show last night."

What's all that junk mean?

Well, it means he's pretty good.

Hubert.

Where did Sudsy ever
get a name like Hubert?

Well, they named
the dog Bismarck.

Oh, come on, Chip.

Getting your picture in
the paper isn't so great.

Yes, it is.

Come on, now, you
guys, get out of here.

Look at that clock.

Oh, yeah.

You still want
that ride, let's go.

Come on.

You're the neatest dog
in the whole world, Tramp,

even if you can't do anything.

Now, listen,

I want you guys to
dry those glasses

on the inside, clear
down to the bottom.

I'm going to a lodge meeting.

Okay.

And please shake
those placemats outside,

not here on the kitchen floor.

I will, Bub. One more thing.

Don't forget to
turn the stove off.

And pour the
grease out of that pan

just as soon as it melts.

Okay. Good boys.

So long, Bub.

So long.

There.

You guys can
finish up, can't you?

I got another honey
of a trig assignment.

Now, don't forget
to turn the stove off.

Don't forget to clean the pots.

Hey, where are you going?

I have to work on
my science project.

You want me to flunk geology?

It's okay with me.

Someday, you're going to realize

that you shouldn't have
said a thing like that

to your older brother.

Now, don't forget
to turn off the stove.

Hey, you sure are
lucky you're a dog.

Shut up, Tramp!

Holy Toledo!

Steve!

Steve, the house is on fire!

Steve!

Get me the fire
department, quick!

Fire. Fire!

Where?

I told those kids to
clean up this kitchen.

Fire! Let me see! Whoo!

Did you call the
fire department?

Dad, it's a grease fire.

Put salt on it.

Give me some salt. Salt! Salt!

That's pepper! Salt!

Why won't the water run?

Of all the times...

You have to smother
it with something.

Get that fire out, I tell you.

There, it's out.

There.

Well, we got it out, Bub.

"And by his constant barking,

wakened the entire
Douglas household."

"Mr. Steven Douglas,
local aeronautical engineer,

"said the constant barking

"wakened the household
at 3:00 in the morning.

"'Tramp has always
been an alert animal"

Douglas was quoted as saying."

"And by the time the
fire department arrived,

Douglas and his three
sons had put out the fire."

We had to send Chip
out to get five newspapers

just to read a pack
of lies about us.

"Mr. O'Casey was the first
to hear Tramp's barking,

but he couldn't quite
cope with the situation."

That's just what I said.

"The fire was already out

"when the fire
department arrived.

"But Captain
Sidney Green stated,

'There was only one
hero in this situation.

A shaggy, friendly
dog named Tramp.'"

You want to read my clipping

which says how
smart Bismarck is?

Uh-uh. You already
made me read it 20 times.

Bub, Mike, look.

Hey, when did you
start baking cakes?

This is my science project.

Hey, well, that's...
What? What is that?

Oh, these are geological
strata of the earth, Dad.

Oh. You know.

Uh, Paleozoic,
Mesozoic, and Pleistocene,

and stuff like that. Hmm.

I'm going upstairs now to
make some little signs for it

and then I'm all finished.

Well, I hope you have
better luck spelling it

than you do pronouncing it.

Say, Bub, I have to go
down to the office for a while.

On Saturday?

Yeah, I've got a little
work to be cleaned up.

Now, there's nothing you want me

to do around here
this afternoon, is there?

Well, uh... Oh, fine.

I think I'll go out
and play some golf.

See you later.

Beating the poor
little white ball around

all day with iron sticks.

That's the stupidest
thing I ever heard of.

Yeah, well, I
guess I'd better go.

You want to show
this to your mother?

Uh-uh.

I guess we're both lucky
to have such swell dogs.

Some kids get to be real old,

and they never get their picture
in the paper with their dogs.

Hey, you want something to eat?

Sure.

Come on.

You want some toast

or peanut butter or
bacon or something?

Hey, there's a pretty
neat-looking cake over there.

But I bet Bub would
get mad if we took some.

No, it's okay. It's
already been cut into.

Hey, how come Tramp's barking?

I don't know. He's probably
trying to tell us something.

We'll probably find
out what it is later.

Yeah.

Boy, this cake is tough.