My Three Sons (1960–1972): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Crush - full transcript

Hey, Mike! Mike!

Hey, you guys! Mike's home!

Hey, he's here!

Mike's home! Yeah?

Hey, Mike's home, up there!

Mike?! Great,
I'll be right down.

Hey! How come Mike's home?
I thought he was gonna live

at the fraternity
house for awhile.

Well, he must be hungry
for some mulligan stew.

Hi, Mike! Hello, Mike!

Hey, you guys! How's it
going? We sure missed you!



You look great! Yeah,
I should've called,

but I didn't think of it till I was
halfway here. Oh, that's all right.

Oh, boy. Hey, listen to me.

Nobody has this
many dirty clothes.

Oh, well, I told a couple
of the fellas at the house

I'd throw their stuff
in our machine.

A couple of the fellas? Yeah.

Hey, you guys. I got
some news. So have I.

Oh, yeah, Mike? We don't have
a wide-screen washing machine.

What kind of news, Mike? Did
you make the track team already?

No, we haven't even started... Do they
have blackboard monitors in college?

No.

Don't tell me somebody
wears this couch cover?

Oh, those are Horsey Kirby's.



He doesn't want his
folks to know he spends

his allowance on
polka-dot underwear.

To me, it looks like an
elephant's nest. Yeah.

Come on, Bub. Mike's
got some news to tell us.

Yeah, well, I have.
Practically the first day...

Welcome home, Mike!

Hi, Dad! Hey,
you're looking great.

Well, I feel great. I guess
college agrees with you, huh?

Mike wants to tell us something,
so if everybody'll be quiet...

Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah,
go on. Tell us, Mike.

What were you
going to tell, Mike?

Come on, Mike. Well, I, um...

I got, uh, kind of good news.

Come on, hurry up. Well, uh...

I met a new girl. Oh, wonderful.

Aw, heck, I thought it
was somethin' good.

Well, you-you got to meet her.

She's... well, she's
really something.

Can I go over to Sudsy's?

He's got a new lizard.

Yeah, but just don't
name the lizard "Bub,"

like you did that stupid crow.

I can't. His name's
already Elsie.

Well, tell us some more about
her, Mike. What's she like?

Well, she's blonde and-and,
uh, she's about, hmm, so tall.

And, uh, well,
wait till you see her.

She's, she's kind of unusual.

Well, we'd love to meet her.

Yeah, how about
dealing me in, huh, Mike?

Oh, listen to him. Knock it off.

She's mine.

Oh, okay. Who wants to go
around with an old lady anyway?

Okay.

How about a cup of coffee, Mike?

Oh, no thanks.

Uh, what's the, uh...

What's her name anyway?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Didn't I tell you?

Mary Beth Jackson.

Oh, she live on the campus?

No, she and her folks just moved
into town a couple weeks ago.

I met her in Psych 103.

Would you believe I
haven't seen another girl

since I started school?

Oh, you're going steady?

Well, steadily.

Oh?

There's a difference, Bub.

Well, why don't you invite her
over to a cookout this weekend?

That is, if your steadily
would like to meet

her steadily's family.

That's a good idea, Mike.
Why don't you ask her?

Well, I, I don't know whether
she digs cookouts or not.

Well, we can talk
about it later, can't we?

Oh, sure. Sure.

Well, what are your
plans today, Mike?

I thought I might

go over to the old high school
and mess around for awhile.

I know what you mean.

Well, see you later.

Yeah, see ya.
Good-bye. So long, Bub.

If he keeps this

kind of nonsense up, you
know what's going to happen?

Oh, you mean he's going to end
up being somebody's husband?

No, he'll end up owning
a string of laundries.

Brother! She's real turbulent.

"Turbulent"? Who's
turbulent, Rob?

Mike's girlfriend.

He's bringing her up
the walk right now, Dad.

Well, why didn't he tell us he
was going to bring her by tonight?

Pick that stuff up, Chip.

Rob, here, get
your shoes on. Here.

Uh, hello?

Oh, hello, Mike.

The family's home. Oh.

Uh, Mary Beth Jackson,
this is my father, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, hello, Mary Beth. How
do you do, Mr. Douglas?

And that's my youngest brother,
Chi... uh, Richard Douglas.

How do you do, Richard?

Grandfather, this is
Mary Beth Jackson.

Uh, Bub.

Uh, Grandfather, this is,
uh, Mary Beth Jackson.

Oh, how do you do?

How do you do?

And Robert Douglas.

Robbie.

And I'm Chip, not Richard.

Oh. Well, Mike's told me so
much about you, Mr. Douglas.

Well, we've heard some very
nice things about you, Mary Beth.

I thought you, uh, were
going to the movies, Mike.

Well, we did. That is, we tried.

I feel kind of foolish,
but I forgot my wallet.

Oh, well...

I-I'll just be a minute.

Grandfather, maybe you
could, uh, turn the fights off

or at least turn the TV down?

Of course, Grandson.
My pleasure.

Be right back.

Well, uh, won't you come
in to sit down, Mary Beth?

Thank you.

Oh, this, this is
our dog, Tramp.

Oh. Tramp, would you mind?

That's better. Thank you.

Oh, I understand you've just
moved into town, Mary Beth.

Yes. Two weeks ago.

I'm in my first semester
of college, like Mike.

Hmm.

I love the smell of a pipe.

Oh, thank you. It's some
new tobacco I'm trying.

It's rather good.

If you don't mind my
saying so, Mr. Douglas,

Chip is you through the eye.

Oh, do you think so?

Incidentally, Mike certainly
speaks nicely re you.

"Re" me?

It's Latin. It
means "regarding."

Oh, yes.

Mike certainly speaks
nicely re you, too.

A man who smokes a
pipe is certainly relaxed.

You can tell that.

Can I go up to my room now?

Yes, Chip. Excuse yourself, hmm?

Excuse me.

Uh, I've got some
studying to do, Dad.

Uh, it was nice
meeting you, Mary Beth.

Yeah. Good night, Mary Beth.

I understand you're
connected with aviation.

Yes. Yes, I am.

Well, I consider that
the field of the future.

Yes, it, it has possibilities.

Did you find your wallet, Mike?

Yeah, it was right
here all the time.

I remember putting it
there so I wouldn't forget it.

Well, what do you think of her?

Oh, she's real turbulent.

I think she's kind of clunky.

You can see her
gums when she laughs.

Oh, well, down there where he is

you can see all
kind of goofy things.

You know, like-like nostrils

and underneath
jaws and junk like that.

How come she makes
goof-eyes at Dad if she's so great?

She hasn't been
making goof-eyes at Dad.

Yes, she has. She goes,
"A man who smokes a pipe

is certainly relaxed,
you can tell that."

Boy, you've been
watching too much TV.

It's warping your head.

I'll see you.

Oh, yeah. We'll
see you later, Mike.

And perhaps you could
help me with my trigonometry.

Oh, I'm so stupid in math.

Well, I'd be glad to
sometime, Mary Beth.

Well, all set. Good.

Shall we go?

Uh, don't wait up for me, Dad.

Good night. Good night, Mike.

Good night, Mary
Beth. Good night.

Good night, Grandson.

Well, she seemed
like a nice girl.

Yeah, but as those quaint
characters used to say

back in the '20s, Mary Beth
thinks you're the bee's knees.

I don't think it's anything
to worry about, Bub.

Oh, you don't, huh?

Well, it's pretty obvious

that you don't know
much re women.

It's a beautiful night.

It's gorgeous from where I am.

Gee, it sure was nice
meeting your family.

Yeah. They're a
nice bunch of people.

How tall is he?

Who?

Your dad.

He's six foot, three.
I told you before.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

In the movie when you were
comparing him to John Wayne.

Oh. And later in the malt shop

when you said he
walked like a panther.

Oh, yes.

I must say, this new boy is
making you happy, honey.

Oh, Mother, he's
simply wonderful.

Don't you think it's
about time we met him?

Oh, no. Not yet.

Not till I'm sure.

Mother, do you think
it would be all right if I

phoned him where he works
for some reason or other?

I'd be careful, dear.
You know, some boys

aren't as stupid as
you think they are.

Although, come to think of it,

your father was.

Well, Mother, he's
not as young as...

Well, anyway,
he's not real young.

Well, how old is he?

Well, I don't know, exactly.

But he's young in spirit.

He's younger than any boy
I've ever known, in some ways.

Oh, honey, when you call,

be sure your pretext
isn't transparent.

Here are the figures you
asked for, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, thanks, Sally.
You can go home now.

Get the phone, will you?
Would you put these things

back in the file
before you leave?

Mr. Steven Douglas' office.

I'm sorry, Mr. Douglas
is busy at the moment.

Re what?

Are you available to talk

to a young lady re trigonometry?

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Douglas.
This is Mary Beth.

Yes, Mary Beth. How'd
you happen to call me here?

Um, I'm sort of taking
you up on your offer

to help me with my homework.

Oh. You mean you have to
do homework on Saturday, huh?

Uh, well, I'm not, uh...

I'm not very smart, and I
have to study all weekend.

Well, I wouldn't say
you weren't very smart.

Oh, you wouldn't?

Oh, well, what a nice
thing for you to say.

Look, Mary Beth, why don't we

talk it over at the
cookout, hmm?

Oh, what cookout?

Well, the family's
having a cookout and...

Well, I thought Mike...

Shall I wear slacks?

No. No, no, I didn't mean, uh...

No, you're absolutely right.

A nice dress will be
much more appropriate.

Oh, listen, Mr. Douglas, I won't
take up any more of your time.

But thank you so
much for inviting me.

Look, Mary Beth...

Mike's girlfriend.

Should I have
said you weren't in?

I'm not sure.

Come in!

Hi, Mary Beth.

Hi, Mr. O'Casey.

Well, what are you
doing around here today?

Well, I was just wondering
if there was anything

I could do for the cookout.

Is there going to be a cookout?

It must be.

Mr. Douglas invited me.

Well, it must be tomorrow.

Who'd you say invited you?

Mr. Douglas, when I
phoned him at his work today.

Oh.

He's a wonderful
person, isn't he?

Mike is a peach.

Oh, well, Mike's wonderful, too.

We have a lot of
laughs together.

Steve is such a strong name.

Yeah. Well, Mike isn't
exactly a nickname

for Little Lord
Fauntleroy, you know.

Mr. O'Casey, don't
you like Mr. Douglas?

Now, look here, young lady.

Working on Saturdays...

Well, hello, Mary
Beth. Hi, Mr. Douglas.

I'm sort of taking
you up on your offer.

What offer was that?

Well, you were going
to help me with my trig.

Oh, that's right.

But I-I didn't know
we'd settled on a...

Steve, I told Hal Mosby you'd
stop by the minute you got home

and help him fix that,
uh, thing that's busted.

What? Oh, oh, Hal!

I suppose the basement's
all flooded by now.

Yeah, and he's got termites
down there that can't swim.

I'm sorry if I bothered you.

I just thought maybe you
might have time to help me.

Uh, wait a minute,
Mary Beth, uh...

Bub, I imagine
Hal has everything

pretty well under control
over there, don't you?

Uh, which is more than we have.

What?

Nothing, Mary Beth.

Uh, why don't we go
in the dining room?

That would be a
good place to work.

So, we'll draw our circle.

Oh, Steve, I just remembered,

you got to take the
library books back.

They're overdue.

Oh, that's right. Uh...

Oh, no, no, I can do
that on my way home.

The library stays open
till 9:00 tonight anyway.

Yeah... well...

Mary Beth says she'll drop
them off on her way home.

But we eat at 6:00.

Why, thank you.

Are you sure I
won't be in the way?

Oh, it's only a potluck.

Oh, that's all the better.

Then I don't feel so
guilty about staying.

Well, now we draw
our positive angle.

A... O... B.

I don't see how you
do such delicate work

with such big, strong
hands, Mr. Douglas.

Oh. Oh, uh, hello, Mike.

Hello, Tim. Hi.

Look who's here.

Your father's helping
me with my trig, Mike.

Oh. Oh, Mike.

Why don't you let us work
just a little while longer?

Then I'll talk to you later.

When?

Well, at dinner.

Your grandfather
asked me to stay.

Oh.

Well, I'll, uh, go
get cleaned up.

Now, Mary Beth, the...

as it says here, the
positive angle, AOB,

at the center of the
circle, subtended

by this arc of length
R, will be taken

as a unit of angular measure
and will be designated as...

the number one radial.

Well, uh, so long.

Oh, uh, so long, Tim.

It was nice talking
to everybody.

Now, here's, uh, your arc, AB.

Of course, being a test pilot

must be terribly exciting.

Well, I'm not a test
pilot now, Mary Beth.

Uh, I was a test pilot
when I was young,

and that, uh, was
quite a while ago.

Well, you don't
look a day over 32.

Thank you.

I understand you flew
over 50 combat missions.

Oh, that was way back
in the Second World War.

Oh.

Well, the Second World
War is not as old as the first.

No, that's right.

Mike?

Yes?

Pass your father some more
whipped cream for his shortcake.

Oh, no more... plenty, Mike.

Thanks. Got to watch
the old waistline.

Well, uh, Robbie, what have
you and Chip been doing today?

Oh, nothing, Dad.

Me and Sudsy were gonna paint

some posters for our circus,

but every time we wanted
to use the dining room table,

you and Mary Beth were in there.

That's because your father

was good enough to help
me with my homework.

More coffee, Mr. O'Casey?

No, no, thanks.

Mr. Douglas?

Hmm? Oh, uh, yes.

Thank you.

My, I'm certainly
looking forward

to that cookout tomorrow.

What cookout?

Well, that, uh, came
up again all of a sudden.

Yes, your father invited me
over the telephone this morning.

Excuse me, please.

Well, did I say something wrong?

No, I don't think so, Mary Beth.

Why don't you go
out and talk to Mike

and, uh, maybe, uh, have
him take you for a ride, hmm?

Well, can we finish
my trig tomorrow?

Well, we'll see, Mary Beth.

Good night.

Good night, Mary Beth.

Night.

Night.

Dad.

Mm-hmm?

There's something Chip thinks,

and I'm beginning
to think he's right.

It's something we
think you ought to know.

Oh?

What is it, Chip?

She's making goof-eyes at you.

Yeah.

Well, thanks, fellas.

Now, if you've finished, uh,

would you mind going
into the other room, please?

Uh, I'd like to talk to Bub.

Okay.

Thanks for the nice dinner, Bub.

Thanks a lot.

You can come in a little later

and clear the table and
do the dishes, will you?

Okay. Night, Dad.

Well.

Well, what?

Do you realize that
when you're 110 years old,

she'll be in her early 80s?

Now, come on,
Bub, this is serious.

She's intrigued with the idea

of trying to establish a
relationship with an older man.

She sees, uh, Mike in me.

Well, you better think of

what you're gonna
do about it, Charlie.

You're not gaining a
daughter, you're losing a son.

Well, Mike will
understand when I explain

what her true motives are.

Kids go through these
stages all the time, Bub.

Well, for instance,
didn't you ever have

a-a crush on your
fifth grade teacher?

No.

Mainly because my fifth
grade teacher's name

was Mr. McKenna.

Well, just the same, Bub,
with all this psychology

that Mike's absorbing in school,
he certainly will understand.

Understand? What's
there to understand?

I bring a girl around, Bub
invites her to dinner, and...

and you invite her to a cookout.

Oh, now wait a minute.

I know, Dad.

It's-it's not your fault.

Psychologically,
she's-she's attracted to you

for some reason.

But you're not helping any.

Now, don't be foolish, Mike.

Look, when I took her home,
all she could talk about was you...

How tall you are and
how adventurous you are

and what a brilliant
mind you have.

But-but the thing that fries me

is that you encouraged it.

Now, you look, Mike.

Mary Beth is very pretty
and she's very attractive,

but if I'm going to
try to impress a girl,

she'll be a little
older than 19.

She'll be a little more
in my own age group.

Well, how come it
doesn't work in reverse?

How come she's
so flipped for you?

Well, I guess it's just because

she's not aware
of the age gap yet.

Oh, then you admit
she's flipped for you?

I didn't say that.

Well, that's all right.

It's gonna be a-a
frosty day in May

before I bring another girl
home to meet my family!

Who busted the
doorknob in your room?

Oh, Mike.

We were having
a little discussion.

Then he threw it at you?

No. No, he just
pulled a little too hard.

I guess it was loose. But,
uh, he was pretty upset.

Well, kids talk back
too much these days.

If it had been me,
I'd have clouted him.

He's a college man now, Bub.

You can't treat him that way.

Oh, rah, rah.

Where do you want
the charcoal, Bub?

Put it right here.

And get that sour
look off your puss.

Where you going now, Mike?

Oh, out.

Mike, your dad asked
you a simple question.

Now, give him a decent answer.

I just don't know
where I'm going.

Aren't you gonna
stay for the cookout?

No. I wish you would.

No, thanks. Mike!

You will stay here.

All right.

Now that's what
I call psychology.

Help your grandfather
open the charcoal.

Yeah, do something around here.

Pull yourself together.

Isn't this a little fancy to
wear to a cookout, dear?

Well, maybe.

Oh, but I-I look like such
a kid in slacks, Mother.

And I do want him
to think I'm a woman.

Have things, uh, progressed?

No... No, not
exactly, but, um...

Well, we actually haven't
had a chance to exchange

points of views on, oh,
philosophy and things like that.

Well, aside from
looking like Rock Hudson

with the height of John Wayne
and the grace of a panther,

I don't know very
much about him.

Well... his name
is Steve Douglas.

Steve Douglas.

Yes. Do you know him?

No.

It's just that the name suddenly
brought back memories.

Your Aunt Rose used to date
a boy named Steve Douglas.

He was tall and thin

with a cleft in his chin.

And he was bound and
determined that one day

he'd be an
aeronautical engineer.

I'm afraid I had a bit of
a crush on him myself.

Aunt Rose used to
date Steve... him?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, she's so... well,
sort of out of date.

Well, she's five years
younger than I am, honey.

Oh, I know, but
she's so motherly.

I think I'll take that
as a compliment.

Go on, tell me more
about your fella.

Mother?

Yes, dear?

Oh, I think, uh, that I'll
wear the slacks after all.

Well, Bub, how's
your fire coming?

Be ready in a minute.

Good. Well, we've got a
beautiful day for it, huh?

Just dandy.

Oh, Chip.

Chip, if you're gonna spray
the table with that bug spray,

at least take the
plates off first.

Yeah, at least cover things up.

Yeah, what are you trying
to do, kill everybody, Chip?

Eh, if it smells good.

Give me that. MARY BETH: Hi!

Steve, you better
brace yourself.

Here comes your steadily.

Hello, Mr. O'Casey.

And Mr. Douglas.
Hello, Mary Beth.

Chip, Robbie.

Hi, Mary Beth. Mary Beth.

Hi, Mike.

Oh, sit down.

So then... then when I saw

what he was writing
on the ticket, I said,

"Officer, you can't give me a
ticket for a defective muffler.

I haven't even got a muffler."

Oh, you didn't? I did.

Somebody must have
said the magic word.

She's back in her own age group.

Nice to see.

I told you there wasn't
anything to worry about, Bub.

How does it feel to be
back on the rubbish heap?

Delightful.

Just delightful.

Did, too.

Oh. Hi.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Came by, thought
maybe you guys would like

to go down to the
malt shop or something.

Fine. Okay. Oh,
excuse me, excuse me.

Uh... Hello, Tim. Hi.

Uh, this is Ellen Brennan.

This is Mr. Douglas.
Hello, Ellen.

Hello, Mr. Douglas.

Uh, this is Mr. O'Casey.

Hello, Ellen.

Uh, Mr. O'Casey is
Mike's grandfather.

Right. Right.

Tim. Yeah?

Shall we go in your car or mine?

Oh, uh, maybe we
better go in yours, Mike.

My dad's using mine... his.

I don't know if I can eat
anything after what I just had.

Oh, by the time you get
there, you'll be all shook down.

Come on.

Oh, uh, Ellen?

My father smokes a pipe, too.

But he uses such a vile tobacco.

And yours is so...
aromatic, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, thank you.

It's-it's a new
tobacco I'm-I'm trying.

I understand you have
something to do with aviation.

Oh, I think that's
so fascinating.

Yes, yes, it is.

Are you coming, Ellen?

Tim, you, uh, may as well

forget about Ellen for a while.

Once they, uh, start making
goof-eyes at my father,

you don't get them
back for a couple of days.