My Three Sons (1960–1972): Season 1, Episode 29 - The Wiley Method - full transcript

Hands off the Western World!

Now, is that clear to everyone?

Rango, who is Miss Pitts?

She's Europe.

Right. She is Europe.

Hank, who am I?

President Monroe. Correct.

And what was my
ultimatum, Maribel?

"Hands off the Western World."

And what is that
known as, Robbie?

Robbie?



Oh. Um... The Monroe Doctrine.

What did he say, Maribel?

The Monroe Doctrine.

Robbie?

The Monroe Doctrine.

The Monroe Doctrine. Maribel?

The Monroe Doctrine.

Together! The Monroe
Doctrine. The Monroe Doctrine.

The Monroe Doctrine.
The Monroe Doctrine.

The Monroe Doctrine.

The Monroe Doctrine.
The Monroe Doctrine.

The Monroe Doctrine.

Hank and Wilma, join in.

The Monroe Doctrine.
The Monroe Doctrine.



The Monroe Doctrine.
The Monroe Doctrine.

Now, class, please.

Please!

The Monroe Doctrine. Louder!

The Monroe Doctrine!
The Monroe Doctrine!

Everybody! The Monroe Doctrine!

We were speaking of Wordsworth's
personalization of nature.

Hands off the Western World!

Hands off the Western World!

Hands off the Western World!

With all these... Oh, dear.

Hands off the Western
World! Very good.

Hands off the Western World!

Louder. Hands off
the Western World!

Hands off the West...
That's all for today.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Hey, Maribel?

You dropped your pencil.

Thank you.

You know, I was wondering
if maybe you and I could...

What did you say, Robbie?

Oh, uh... nothing.

Excuse me.

Come on, Robbie.

We'll be late for Algebra.

Some girls like me,
some girls don't like me,

but she's the first one
who ever ignored me.

Well, didn't you find
anything else out about her?

No, no. I know
what she looks like.

Sorry, Dad.

Get out your
homework, will you, Rob?

What kind of things
does she go for?

I gotta find some way
to get her interested.

Yeah.

What are you doing,
Bub, sending SOSs?

It's the darned lamp. Yeah.

Dad, what word starts
with "Q" besides "queen"?

Uh... "quiet."

Yeah, but how am I going
to find a picture of that?

I've got to find a picture
of all these words.

Hey, Bub, look at this.

Isn't that the darndest thing?

Yeah. Would you mind
standing there on your left foot

while I read this paper?

No.

Dad? Hmm?

How do you feel about
people with gold teeth?

I thought you'd never ask.

The seniors had to take
a placement test today,

and that's the kind of
questions they asked.

Oh. CHIP: Quake, quick, quack...

There must be a loose
connection someplace,

but why there?

Unless you're
going to be a dentist,

why would gold teeth
interest you at all?

Are you kidding? Robbie.

Five more minutes, Dad. No.

Here's a picture of a chicken.

Maybe I could say it's a quail.

Most guys stay on the
phone a lot longer than I do.

Most guys get
better grades, too.

What are you talking about?

I got a 94 on my
last History test.

What's the use of having
a letter nothing starts with?

You hear what I said, Dad?

Yeah. You said you wanted
to stay on the phone longer.

No. About the 94
in History, Dad.

Boy, where did you
run this wire anyway?

Right over the
door. Over the door?

Man, you did it the hard way.

Why didn't you just fix
the outlet? Okay, Dad.

My History
teacher... Mr. Wiley...

Boy, he's the greatest.

He makes something
dull like history seem fun.

You know, easy to remember.
Yeah. Excuse me, Rob.

Where is that plugged
in, over at the Pearson's?

You should've been in on
the war with Tripoli, Dad.

Yeah, I'm sure I
would have enjoyed it.

Here, sit down.

Miss Pitts was the pasha,

and her pirates wouldn't
let us American ships

cruise down the hall
unless we paid them money.

Oh. There's a loose
wire in this plug, Bub.

But why standing
over there would...?

I'll get the screwdriver.

I'd like to get rid
of "X" and "Z", too.

Mr. Wiley was
President Jefferson,

and he sent the marines...
Al and Fizzy and me...

Over to settle it. Boy, oh, boy!

Can I make one
more phone call, Dad?

Yeah. As soon as you
finish your homework.

Gee. It's awfully important.

What's her name?

Maribel Quinby. But
it's not her I'm calling.

Got a picture? Of what?

The Quinby. It could
be my second "Q."

Aw, get off it, will you, Chip?

Maribel Quinby is
this swell new girl.

I'd like to take her
to the sock hop,

but she won't even smile at me.

Smart girl.

Fizzy's girl knows her, and
I want to check with Fizzy.

You're not going to have time

for one of those marathons
with Fizzy tonight.

Anybody seen a
picture of a railroad

or a rhinoceros or a rat?

If I could just get
her interested,

I know we'd hit it off big.

She's my type.

Who isn't?

Yeah, but you
ought to see the way

she doesn't look at me.

What's the matter with me?

I'll tell you what's
the matter with me:

I'm dull.

Just plain blah!

Well, now that we know
what the problem is,

all we have to do
is solve it, huh?

Yeah.

What's the name of
your history teacher?

Mr. Wiley.

But what's...?

Well, Rob, why don't you try

using the Wiley Method
on Maribel Quinby?

Huh?

Well, didn't you say he was able

to make dull
subjects interesting?

Yeah.

There we are.

Thanks.

One thing about Mr. Wiley...

When he goes into action,
you sure can't ignore him.

When things start acting up,

the thing to do is
take the time right then

to trace down the
source of the trouble and...

I don't know, Robbie.

I mean, I want to help you,

but to run over somebody
with my bicycle...

It's the Wiley Method.

That's how he makes
dull things exciting.

But it's even
against school rules

to ride my bike on the grounds.

Look, you're not
going to run over her.

I'm going to throw myself
between Maribel and the bike.

Here she comes now.

Come on, get out of here. Okay.

Take it easy. I just
painted the bike.

Make it look good.

Look out!

Robbie!

Thank you! Thank you!

Gracious. Are you all right?

Oh, sure, Miss Pitts.

Miss Pitts? But, Robbie,
I thought you said...

Hank! You know better

than to ride a bike
on the school grounds.

Well, I... Well,
gee, Miss Pitts,

anybody can make a mistake.

I tried to flag him down,

but he just wasn't looking.

I might have expected
this from some boys,

but certainly not from you.

Well, gee, Miss Pitts... Robbie.

Well, Miss Pitts, he didn't
mean to run over you.

Now, Hank, I hope you
realize, as Robbie does,

that there are other people
on the streets besides yourself.

Thank you, Robbie.

Wow-wee!

Boy, it worked! Put her there.

What do you mean, it worked?

I never saw Miss Pitts so sore!

She treated me like a hero.

Yeah. You're a hero,
but what about me?

You did fine, Hank.

You'll do even better next time.

Next time?

Open your books to page 127.

Lochinvar, by Sir Walter Scott.

Wilma, will you start
at the top of the page?

Come on, I'd do it for you.

I wouldn't ask you.

Shh, shh-shh-shh.

It'll all be over
in two minutes.

Thank you, Wilma.

Hank Ferguson, will
you continue from there?

No.

What?

I said no.

Very well, Hank.

I'm sure I can count on
Robbie to save the situation.

"Dixieland."

♪ In Dixieland,
I'll take my stand ♪

♪ To live and die in Dixie. ♪

That's beautiful stuff.

Now, you ready in the North?

♪ Rally round the flag,
boys, we'll rally once again. ♪

It's a wonder you
didn't lose the war.

Who are you?

Uh... Kentucky.

Right! Now, remember, Kentucky,

each side is out to get you.

Let's start out with the South.

Now, farmers in
your rural districts

gave the South a hold.

Abolitionists dragged
Kentucky towards the Union.

You already got me
in enough trouble.

Will you lay off?
Just this once more.

The slaveholders pulled
Kentucky to the South.

I can't say those things
about women and girls.

Hey, come on! Take
it easy, will you?

This is war!

All right, all right. Class...

Class, the Union wanted
to keep hold of Kentucky

for its strategic location.

I can't yell those
things in the hall.

You don't have to yell them,
so long as I can hear them

and Maribel can hear them.

Hold Kentucky for
its strategic location.

Couldn't I just slug you
without saying those things?

The Confederacy fought
to hang onto Kentucky

to control the Ohio and the
approaches to the northern Mississippi!

Come on, man! Ho-heave!

My...

Take it easy, will you?

But the South overstepped itself

and pushed Kentucky
right into the waiting arms

of President Lincoln!

Gee, I'm sorry,
President Lincoln.

I mean Miss Pitts.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to...

I'm afraid it's my
fault, Miss Pitts.

I'm very sorry.

I only came in to
say the bell has rung.

Oh, thank you.
We didn't hear it,

what with the
Border War and all.

Class, we'll settle
Kentucky's fate tomorrow.

Dismissed.

Rango, can I have
you help with the desk?

And get a couple
of guys, will you?

Robbie, I-I can't do it.

I just can't do it.

Okay, Hank. I sure
thought you were one guy

who would never let me down.

Oh, for Pete's sake, Robbie!

Well, okay.

But, if it doesn't work
this time, I'm through!

Okay, come on. Let's go.

Stand here.

Ready? Start.

"Who needs school?"

Who needs school?

Who needs teachers? Louder!

Who needs school?!
Who needs teachers?!

It's a crummy world, and
learning a lot of lies in books

won't change things!

I don't believe you
really mean that, Hank.

Grow up.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Grow up, Douglas!

Um... don't waste your time

looking for justice,
truth, honor and beauty.

They don't exist.

You have only to look
at these pretty girls

to realize that there is beauty.

Ah! Women!

They only spoil what
little good there is!

Show me a man
dazzled by a woman,

and I'll show you a millstone!

Hank Ferguson, you
apologize to these ladies.

You're not telling me
what to do, Douglas.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah!

Yeah?

Fight! Fight!

Hey, take it easy.

Ow!

Don't worry, ladies.

I'll fix him for that.

Hank Ferguson,
your time has come.

Uppercut.

Robbie, are you hurt?

He barely touched me.

Robbie won!

Are you hurt?

Heck no. I'm just trying
to make you look good.

Well, not that good.

Hank Ferguson, stand
up and fight like a man!

Take this.

And that.

And that.

Don't worry, ladies,
he'll apologize,

won't you? Mr. Wiley.

Robbie.

Hank.

What's going on here?

Thank you very much.

You two boys go into my room.

But actually, Mr. Wiley...
Into my room, now.

But it's not... Now!

Okay, the rest of
you go on into class.

Hurry up. Come on. Chop-chop.

Go!

Move!

Miss, Pitts, do you
know what started this?

Now look at the spot we're in.

Yeah. Maribel took off before
we even got to the best part.

I really don't
understand it, Mr. Wiley.

Hank's a changed boy.

Well, if-if you'd like to let
me handle this, Miss Pitts,

I'm faculty advisor
for both the boys.

Oh, yes.

I never thought I'd
hear justice and honor

denied in these halls,

and by a boy I once admired.

All right, Robbie, you can
go on to your next class now.

Gee, Mr. Wiley, you're not gonna
do anything to Hank, are you?

That's something Hank
and I will have to work out.

Well, there are
lots of worse things

than trying to
run over a teacher

or being rude or
disobedient in class

or-or fighting in the
halls, aren't there?

Boy... Such as what?

Well, what I mean is,
they sure wouldn't be

enough to get a guy
expelled, would they?

Well, they might give
him a running start.

Mr. Wiley, you just
can't blame Hank for that.

It was all my fault.

Robbie, I admire
your loyalty, but...

I'm not loyal. I'm just
a low-down, dirty rat.

Good-bye, Robbie.
I got Hank into this

and now I'm gonna
get him out. Robbie...

But, Mr. Wiley, I'm not
gonna just... Good-bye!

I'm sorry, Hank.

Yeah.

Mr. Wiley.

What if you're
that old sea captain

who sailed that beat-up
English ship into Roanoke Harbor

and didn't find anyone there

except the lost colony
that had disappeared?

What?

I mean, no matter how
mysterious things look,

there's just gotta
be an explanation.

Oh, boy... Uh,
remember Columbus?

Umm... Vaguely.

Well, here he was
sure he'd found India,

when it was just little ol'...

Watling Island?

Yeah.

But you read the book
and Columbus didn't.

Okay, but what
does Watling Island

have to do with this situation?

Mm, plenty.

Are you trying to say

that things aren't always
as they appear to be?

Yeah.

I'm just trying to tell
you what happened.

All right, Robbie,
I'm listening.

Now... What if you were Juliet

or Priscilla Alden,
or Queen Guinevere

or any of them?

Now, you sure wouldn't
think much of General Custer

if he didn't have any Indians

to make his last
stand with, would you?

Oh, boy... What I mean is, uh...

i-if a guy doesn't
have a dragon to fight

or-or Norman invaders
or, uh, or Apaches,

well, how in the heck
is he gonna be a hero

to... Scarlett O'Hara?

Yes, I can see that
would be a problem.

Sure.

And unless he's got
a darned good friend

who doesn't mind being a-a
bunch of wild Indians on the warpath,

or a boatload of
dirty ol' pirates or-or...

Hold it.

I think I get the picture.

Robbie...

if Scarlett O'Hara were
attending this school,

what name would she be using?

Oh, I don't know.
Uh... I-I guess...

some name like, uh...

Maribel Quinby or
something like that.

And you're General Custer?

Yeah.

A bunch of Indians
on the warpath?

Um... Sit down, Robbie.

Well, it looks like I
was wrong, Hank.

I guess you're the one

who should be getting
to his next class.

Oh.

Gee, uh... I'm sorry, Robbie.

Yeah.

Robbie didn't mean to
make any real trouble

for anybody, Mr. Wiley.

Robbie, w-why on earth

did you risk your
reputation and Hank's

just to impress a girl?

Well, it works swell for you.

For me?

You see... Maribel
thinks I'm dull,

so Dad told me I ought to...

I mean... I was trying to
make myself interesting.

Well, like you do with history.

Y-You were using
my teaching methods

for your romantic pursuits?

Yeah.

I was trying to make a
dull subject interesting.

Robbie, w-what,
what would happen

if Miss Pitts used,
used the "Wiley Method"

to-to teach English?

Wow.

It just wouldn't
work out at all.

Right! Any more
than it did for you

or any more than I could use
her method to teach history.

People have to do
things in their own ways.

So... General Custer,
maybe the best way

to interest... Scarlett
O'Hara, or any of them,

would be to do what is
natural for you and nobody else.

Yeah, well, what's natural
for me doesn't interest Maribel.

Hey, wait a minute.

Getting expelled
makes me interesting.

Like, like Benedict Hale and...

Wait, wait, wait, uh...

Robbie, you're not
expelled... this time.

And it's Nathan, not Benedict.

Yeah.

Well, let's just say
that this was my fault

and please, please never try
to use the Wiley Method again.

Well, as far as
Maribel is concerned,

maybe you'd get further if
you just didn't... try as hard.

Relax and be yourself, which,

believe me, is...
anything but dull.

Yeah, well.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Wiley.

I just wish Maribel
felt the same way.

Oh, Robbie.

You pass the library

on your way home,
from school, don't you?

Yes, sir.

Would you please pick up

Middleton's The War
in the West for me?

Every copy in
this school is out.

Middleton's War
of the West. Sure.

See you tomorrow.

Langley... McCandish...
Molloy... Maribel!

What am I doing?

Maribel.

Excuse me... I'm sorry...

I'll get it. I'll get it.

I guess you probably
don't remember me too well.

Oh, yes, I do.

Yeah, well, I was
that kind of dopey guy

who sat about three seats
down in the row behind you.

In Mr. Wiley's class.

Yeah.

I was Missouri when
you were Maine.

We were admitted to the
Union together, remember?

Course some people
don't think I'm too dull,

but some others don't
even notice me at all.

Gee, I don't understand that.

You're very noticeable.

One of the most noticeable
boys I've ever seen.

I am?

Gee. I didn't even think
you even knew I was alive.

Well, sometimes a person feels
like being friends with somebody

only you don't
know how to start.

I know what you mean.

You don't seem
to have any trouble.

Yeah?

But don't forget Columbus.

You mean about Watling Island?

Gee, just think how
much luckier we are.

All along, I thought you
hadn't even noticed me.

And I thought the
same thing about you.

Can I walk you home?

Sure.

I almost forgot what I
came for. Oh, me, too.

I promised Mr. Wiley
I'd pick up a book for him.

Yeah, so did I.

Middleton's The War in the West?

Anybody home?

♪ Bills, bills, bills. ♪

There you are! Yeah, here I am.

Where's everybody
else, Rob? Out!

♪ Bills, bills... ♪
Boy, oh, boy,

did you ever pitch me a curve!

What do you mean? I
darn near got expelled.

Expelled?!

You mean from school?

I wouldn't have blamed them.

They had every
right after what I did.

Guys have been expelled
for doing a lot less.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Now, what am I sorry for?

Don't worry, Dad,
I covered for you.

I got to go.

Now, wait a minute, Rob.

You covered what for me?

And where do you have to go?

Oh, I think it'll be okay.

Anyway, it's too late
to worry about it now.

Worry about what now?

Boy, when I'm a father,
I'm sure gonna be careful

of the bad advice
I give my kids.

Think how I'd feel if
they ended up in jail.

Good night!

Right.

What did I tell him?