My Three Sons (1960–1972): Season 1, Episode 28 - Unite or Sink - full transcript

Do you have to do that?

Do I have to do what?

Follow me.

Well, what do you want
me to do, jump over you?

Stop it now, fellas?

Why do you two have
to argue all the time?

You through with the paper, Dad?

Dad, can I have the
paper when you're...?

There you go again.
What did I do now?

You do everything I do.

That's what you do now.



Hey, will you cut it out?

I'm still working on
the sports section.

You can have that part of it.

I just want the classified.

What can I read?

The funnies.

I already read 'em.

I thought I heard Robin
Hood's band of merry men.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

How about ha, ha, haing
yourself to the galley

and doing some of your chores?

Some fresh coffee, Steve?

Hmm? Oh, yeah, Bub.

Maybe a half a cup.



All right.

Classified?

What are you looking for in
the classified section, Mike?

I'm looking for a way to
earn a little spending money.

What'd you do with the spending
money I gave you last night?

I spent it.

Are we gonna get some
extra spending money?

I'm gonna get me a rubber mouse.

Some yellow yarn.

What are you gonna do
with the yellow yarn, Chip?

For the kitten. What kitten?

The kitten I'm gonna get

with the extra spending money.

What extra spending money?

The extra spending
money you said

you were gonna
give us this morning.

Oh, no, no, no, you
misunderstood, Chip.

You got your allowance the same
as Rob and Mike did last night.

Oh. Yeah.

You wouldn't know an odd job
if it was staring you in the face.

Oh, yeah? I could get a
job just as easy as you.

Why are we all so
cheerful this morning?

Oh, just because I'm
looking for an odd job,

lamebrain here
thinks he wants to, too.

You mean work?

Sure. Yeah.

You guys must be
sick or something.

Nothing wrong with me that
a little money wouldn't cure.

Money, money, money,
money, money, money.

Is that all you
fellas ever think of?

You got to have
money to do things.

Did you ever think
of doing something

for somebody
some time just to...

well, to be doing something
for somebody some time?

What do you mean?

We do lots of
things. Sure we do.

Like what?

Well, uh... uh...

Well, helping's all
right during the week,

but this is Saturday,
and I need money.

Yeah, this is
Saturday, and tonight,

we need money.

Da, da-da, da, da-da, da, da.

Why don't you butt
out, Little Sir Echo?

Oh, boy, one of these days.

Just-Just one of these days.

Take it easy. Just one!

That darn Mike! Man!

You can get
yourself a clean towel

and start on these.

Boy, I'd like to show
that Mike just one time.

Morning, Bub.

Hi, Harry. Hi, Rob.

Harry.

What's new?

Oh, nothing much.

The same old grind.

Hey, Harry? Mm-hmm.

Um, do you know where I can
get some little job of some kind?

You've got some little
job of some kind right here.

Now wipe those dishes.

I mean to make some money.

Money, money, money.

Hey, uh, let me see.

Jensen's fence needs painting.

Jensen's?

Oh, you said it.

Shame to let a place
run down like that.

Although I guess it isn't easy
when you're living on a pension.

Douglas, eh?

Steven Douglas' boy?

Yes, sir, and you
know I'll do a good job

because I need the money bad.

That's fine now.

Oh, Sarah?

We're going to be late.

You'll find the paint
back there in the garage

with the brushes
and the rags, too.

Oh, Sarah!

Coming! Well, thanks
a lot, Mr. Jensen.

By the time you
come back tonight,

you won't even
recognize the place.

Good boy.

Why, hello there, Robbie.

Hi, Mrs. Jensen.

I'm gonna paint your fence.

Oh, that's nice.

He's a real go-getter, that boy.

Just like his pa.

Thank you, Mr. Jensen.

You know, you
never looked prettier.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

What's the matter?

I was just talking to
Robbie's brother on the phone.

Well?

I told him he could
paint the fence.

Well, that-that's
nothing to worry about.

Well, won't it cost
twice as much?

No. We're paying
them by the hour.

They ought to
finish in half the time.

Might even cost us less

with the two boys
working together.

Well, that's real nice!

My, Steve Douglas is a lucky man

to have two boys working
together side by side.

Yup.

Hand in hand.

Brotherly love. Mm-hmm.

Oh, no, you're not!

Oh, yes, I am!

Oh, no, you're
not. That's my job!

Yeah? Who said so?

Mrs. Jensen said so.
That's who said so.

Oh, yeah? Well,
Mr. Jensen said so to me!

Come on, Huey. I shot
you five times already.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

You're supposed
to be dead. Yeah?

Yeah. You missed me.

Yeah? Yeah.

Got you that time. Yeah?

Yeah. That doesn't count.

Who says? I says.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah!

Yeah? Yeah!

You're not gonna
paint this fence.

Yeah? You want to
make a bet on that?

Mrs. Jensen gave me the job.

I don't care what
Mrs. Jensen said.

Yeah? Yeah!

Mrs. Jensen while
you go talk to Mr. Jen...

Hey, hey!

You squirts quit arguing.

We're playing.

Yeah, well, we're working.

Yeah, so go play somewhere else.

Mrs. Foster said stay close by

so she could keep an eye on us.

And I'm spending
the day at Huey's.

And my mom had
to go to a ladies' club.

Okay, okay, then go
play at Mrs. Foster's

so she can watch ya.

She says we're too noisy.

Well, she's right.

Only she's getti" paid to
listen to ya and we're not.

So go play someplace
else. We're painting.

Can we help?

No!

We've got as much
right here as you.

Yeah, it's a public street.

Out, out!

Public bush!

Yeah, public tree.

Public car, public street!

Boy, what a bunch of babies.

Well, uh, that's the nice
thing about growing up.

You can settle your
problems without fighting,

the way we have.

Right. Those two kids are
always arguing about something.

Well, uh, you want to
take the front or the back?

Of course, if you
take the front,

you have to be careful

because that's the side
that everybody sees.

- Huey! Chip!

Boy, I never acted like those
two, did I, when I was a kid?

Huey! Chip!

We'll split 50-50, and
you can have the back.

Here, shake on it.

Shake on what?

Well, let's get started.

Get started on what, Mike?

Now listen, Mike,
this is my job.

A deal's a deal.

Deal? What deal? Huey!

You're asking for it, Mike.

I'm gonna knock
your head clean off.

You painting the
Jensen's fence, Mike?

Oh, yes, I am, Mrs. Foster.

My brother is helping me.

Helping you?!

That's real nice.

The whole place
needs sprucing up.

- Poor old Mr. Jensen.
- Come on, let's go.

Oh, boy, paint!

Hey! Hey come on, you
guys, I told you we're working!

Now butt out! Mm, that's good.

Huey, will you get out?

Hey, come on. Butt
out of here, will ya?!

Huey, come on, get out of here!

Chip, will ya get
out?! Chip! Huey. Chip.

Boys, they're painting
Jensen's fence.

Yeah! I mean, I'm painting it.

Hey, darn it, Mike,
that's my paint!

No, that's your paint.

What are you talking about?

We weren't hurting
anything. Besides, we got...

Your mama left some sandwiches

and a big pitcher of lemonade

in the refrigerator,

whenever you and
Chip get hungry.

Okay. Look, this is
my job. I found it first.

You found it first?
What do you mean?

I talked to Mrs. Jensen
on the phone and...

What matter is that? I mean...

You're gonna sand
before you paint, aren't ya?

Sand? Sand?

Hal, you know, my husband,

he says you always have
to sand before you paint.

Oh, um...

Well, Mr. Jensen didn't
mention anything about sanding.

Besides, we don't
have any sandpaper.

Yeah.

Oh, we have some
I can let you have.

Huey!

Yeah? Huey, go
look in the garage

and bring that package
of sandpaper, will ya?

Okay.

Well, uh, this, this fence is
no worse than our garage,

and we painted
that without sanding.

Well, I don't know.

Hal always says, "What's
worth doing is worth doing right."

How are you guys
doing? Yeah, but...

Or I should say, "Who
are you guys doing?"

Hi, Bub.

Hi, Mr. O'Casey.

Hi, Mrs. Foster.

Been to the store?

This is the second trip today.

The way these guys
eat, we might just as well

set up housekeeping
down there in the parking lot.

We couldn't find the sandpaper.

Great. Oh, well, let's go.

Hey, you guys, where'd
you get this paint?

Hey, wait a minute.

Now listen, Mike, you...

Where'd you get this paint?

Well, Mr. Jensen
had it in his garage.

But Mike's been trying
to muscle in. Muscle in?

Did you strain it?

Found these paper cups.

Can we have 'em?

Uh, yeah, I guess so.

I'm sure we have some
sandpaper somewhere.

Let's go get some more stuff.

Did you look in
the... Hi, Mr. Kincaid.

What's the trouble?

No trouble. Jensens are
getting their fence painted.

About time, I'd say.

Don't start painting yet, boys.

I'm going home
to see if I can find

that sandpaper for you.

What kind of sandpaper?

This is brand-new
paint, Bub. Yeah.

Why should it
need to be strained?

Cheesecloth can be
used for something like this

or a piece of window screen.

Clean screen, of course.

Or even an old lady's stocking.

I mean, I mean, a
lady's old stocking.

What are you using for thinner?

Fine, medium or rough?

Gee, medium, I guess.

The kind Hal always
uses, you know.

No good. Not for
this kind of work.

Hal uses it for everything.

Well, what they need is
a good rough sandpaper

for that old fence.

Well, just look at it, Bub.

It doesn't need thinning. Yeah.

Well, sure, it
looks all right now,

but how about later?

What do you think, O'Casey?

Oh, hello, Kincaid.

Howdy. Now go
on, tell Mrs. Foster

you can't use a medium
sandpaper on a fence like this.

You listening, Mrs. Foster?

Well, if we were in the navy,

I'd have 'em scraping it.

Scraping it?

Yes, sir, even if you
are my grandsons,

the navy comes first.

We'd better get to painting.

We? This is my job, Mike.

All right, all right.

If we're not adult enough
to work out our own solution,

then let's leave the
decision up to the grown-ups.

All right.

I'm sorry, Mr. Kincaid.

I don't see how you can
find fault with my sandpaper

when you haven't even seen it.

It isn't fair.

Now look, if you're
gonna do a job right,

what's the sense in not using

the best material you can get?

Our sandpaper is far from cheap.

Mr. O'Casey, you've
known Hal for years.

Why, he's not cheap in any way.

Why, he'd give you the
shirt off his back, wouldn't he?

Why, sure. I was just
telling Hal the other day,

when I call for a clean
sweep down, fore and aft,

they did it.

There, now that...
Now hold on, hold on!

You're all mixed up.

I'm talking about
sandpaper, not people.

Boy, oh, boy.

Well?

The fellow over
there on H Street

has an electric sander.
You know, he uses a disk.

But he doesn't use
a fine sandpaper.

- Okay, it's a deal.
- Now listen here,

a whatnot shelf is not a
picket fence, is it, O'Casey?

That's right.
Nowadays, the navy...

Hey, you should
be drinking milk!

Sure, they do.

When I was in the navy,

we had beans for
breakfast every morning.

Hey, I see the boys got the job.

Hi, Harry. Hi, Harry.

Morning, Mrs.
Foster. Hi, Mr. Kincaid.

Harry, what do you
think about sandpaper?

Go on. Now tell Mrs. Foster.

Yeah, beans, navy beans.

Well, now, you see, that all
depends on whether you're using

and electric sander or not.

And chipped beef on a
shingle, if you were lucky.

Now, there's this fellow
over on, over on H Street.

I forget his name. Well, anyway,
he's got this electric sander.

You see, it all depends...

Hey, watch it, will ya?!

Keep your hand off
my side of the fence.

You're ruining my paint job.

Lemonade! Lemonade!

Five cents a glass.
Five cents a glass.

Stirred in the
shade with a spade.

Get your sandwiches. ten
cents. Sandwiches ten cents

Only seven cents.

Look, Mike, it wasn't
your job in the first place

and I get stuck painting
all the braces and supports

and you get the better brush

and you only have to paint
about as half as much...

You know, if you paint
as well as you gripe,

you might do a pretty good job.
- Susie.

Susie, come back here
with that rake, will you?

Come on, Susie,
give Daddy the rake.

Ice cold lemonade!

Iced lemonade.

Only seven cents.

Get your lemonade here.

Every healthy, wholesome glass

is just chock-full
of crispy, crunchy,

sparkling vitamins "B."

Now, hold on.

Hold on!

Will you listen to me?

Stop it! Now, listen.

I want... now, listen.

Mr. Kincaid, here...
When I was in the navy,

you lived out of your
seabag and that was it.

What?

Mr. Kincaid...

Hey, boy, where's that lemonade?

Here. Huh?

Oh, thank you.

That's seven cents, Mister...

Well, I was just saying...

Regulation gear only,
everything squared away.

Dress blues and undress blues

and whites rolled and
secured with clothes stops...

No Irish pennants. What?

Of course you could
always use paint remover.

Too expensive.

Blowtorch would
be the best thing.

Have to be careful, though,

might burn the whole fence down.

Well, that just
doesn't seem possible.

Certainly it's possible.

Just like setting a match to it.

Now, of course, I'm not
saying you don't have

to be careful with
paint remover, too.

Why you know, one
spark and kafoom!

- Seven cents, Mister...
- Just like oil.

Now, when I was stationed

on a tanker... Why,
Rose Ann Jones,

it just doesn't seem possible!

Why, Verda Foster!

How in the world are you?

I haven't seen you in
a month of Sundays!

Well, I think about
you all the time.

Hal and I were talking
about you just the other night.

Oh?

Well, now, that's
real sweet of you.

Yes, and I saw Della Buchanan

at the post office
the other day.

Oh? How is Della?

Well, she was asking
how in the world you were,

and I was so ashamed
'cause I just didn't know.

Well, well,

I think it's a shame we
never see each other,

living on the
same block and all.

I was saying exactly
the same thing

to Wilma Ramsey.
Oh, how is Wilma?

She has a new dining room set.

No, I mean her hay fever.

Seven cents, please.

Yeah, can I have another
one of those sandwiches?

I got one for 15 cents.

15 cents?

The last one only
cost me a dime.

Seven cents, please.

Seven cents.

If you think duty on a tanker

is a snap, you got
another think coming, mate.

Why, heck yes, and it
wouldn't be the first town

that burnt to the
ground that way, either.

When I said the smoking
lamp was out, it was out.

Why, one more spark and...

Seven cents,
Mister... That's right.

Look at the Chicago fire.

Nothing left but a
bunch of brick chimneys

and foundations.

Of course it's okay now.

Well, I see the Jensens

are finally getting their
fence painted, huh?

Darn it.

Hey, boy.

Here.

Well, thanks, Mr. Kincaid.

And keep the change,
keep the change.

Gee, thanks!

Yeah, old Mr. Jensen
has been telling me

he wanted to fix
the place up himself,

but his arthritis
just won't let him.

Well, I've been
trying to get over

and help the Jensens, but I
just don't have the time. Mm.

You can't smoke cigarettes
on a U.S. navy tanker

loaded with 100,000
gallons of gasoline.

Right.

How about that fire up
at Cedar Grove last year?

One careless smoker,

and a thousand acres
of timber up in flames.

Well, the way the
population is growing,

there soon won't
be any timber left.

There's more people
than trees now.

You can have this
one for half price

if you let Huey and me
use some of your milk boxes.

Talk about things
disappearing...

Sounds like a pretty
good deal, Chip.

If you want to worry
about something giving out,

how about coal or
oil? Oh, boy, come on...

Be sure you put them back now.

You can replant timber,

but it takes millions
of years to make coal.

Sure.

Now I'm not trying to tell you

that I had a girl in every port,

but I remember one time
in the Brooklyn navy yard...

Oh, were you in the navy?

Well, of course
Fern's tied down.

What does she expect?

You can't have three
babies in four years

and not be tied down.

I feel sorry for Fern,

but I got my own worries.

Want some chairs?

Well, thank you.

Ten cents, please.

Isn't that cute?

My treat.

Oh, that's awfully nice
of you, Verda. Thank you.

I don't know what to say.

Oh, my.

I haven't sat down all day.

And I shouldn't be doing it now.

Hal wants an early dinner,

and I haven't even
thought about it. You?

I haven't even made my bed.

And if I don't get those
curtains back on the window,

Hal's going to have a fit.

Oh, I know.

If I could just sit down
and relax for five minutes.

Well, that's just my point.

See, coal and oil are
not growing things.

It takes millions of centuries

for those giant ferns

and prehistoric animals
and stuff to rot down

into a bunch of carbon
and, uh, and, uh,

decompose into coal,

and, uh, and we're
using it up overnight.

I know.

You don't just take
your pick and shovel

down to Okefenokee swamp

and stand there and
wait for it to turn to coal.

It takes time to decompose.

That's right, and everybody
knows about it, too.

But why don't they do something
about it instead of just talk.

Talk, talk, talk, that's
all anybody ever does...

Talk, talk, talk, talk.

Hey, Chip, we're out of lemons.

Got any lemons?

Lemons? No.

Jeepers, mister, if
you're all out of lemons,

what do you have?

Well, sure I have a
new washing machine.

But you've got your mother.

Mother? Why, Verda,
that just isn't fair.

You know my mother never
lifts a finger with the washing.

You know what she
said to me? She said...

Boy, talk about your
great moments of history.

Yeah, every guy at the plant
stopped dead in his tracks.

Well, you could have heard
a pin drop all over town.

And whammo, right
over the left field wall

and four runs cross the plate.

Laura LaPlante...

There was a pretty
little blue-eyed darling.

She had a dimple right there...

deep as that in
her cheek of course.

That's right.

The weather's not
like it used to be either.

Hotter in the summer
and colder in the winter.

You don't see girls like
that anymore in the movies.

Get your homegrown tomatoes!

Yeah, and how about food?

We had a peach
tree on our place,

used to give peaches that big.

Juicy, sweet...

Uh-huh. And remember
Billie Dove and Leatrice Joy?

Sugar was bitter
compared to them.

What's the matter with you?

Why, Verda Foster, I never
said my mother was a burden.

Lillian Gish in Broken
Blossoms, mighty sad.

What the heck are
you talking about?

That's the first decent
game he pitched all season!

Oh, yeah? Looks like you
painted it with your eyes shut!

Well! I'll have you know

I get a lot of
compliments on that dress!

And it was far from cheap, too!

Only three cents a pound.
Get your banana squash.

And drinking water... don't
know how long it's been

since I had a good
cup of drinking water.

Oh, talk about excitement...

That was the greatest
series they ever played.

Of course, the whole
thing was rigged.

Rhubarb, fresh rhubarb!

Well, my mother said

that if you don't make her
stop sucking her thumb she'll...

end up on a pension
like the rest of us.

I guess some people just
never learn to keep still.

Silent movies were
better than talkies.

Talk's cheap.

Yeah? Well, put your
money where your mouth is.

People should just keep
their opinions to themselves.

And in my opinion...
Look, buddy,

everybody's got a
right to his own opinion.

Well, she had two
stitches taken in her.

William S. Hart... Watch fobs.

Tonsils.

St. Louis Cards.

Raspberries!

Penicillin.

Diapers.

Toronto Maple Leafs.

Tomatoes!

Celluloid collars.

Nazimova.

Diapers.

Asafetida bags.

Clara Kimball Young.

Diapers.

Horse and buggy.
Cincinnati Red Legs.

Pola Negri and Theda Bara.

Oh, my gosh, Hal's home.

Be right there, honey!

Oh, Verda, don't tell
me it's that time already.

That can't be right.

Yeah, looks about that time.

Okay, Edna, be right over.

Boy, I better be getting
that truck back to the dairy

before they send
the police out for it.

Man, thanks a lot.

I'll have to make tracks

if I'm going to get
those short ribs done.

Yeah, I don't have time
to stand around here.

Got my own lawn to water.

I'd sure like to give
the Jensens a hand,

but I just don't have the time.

I know what you mean.

You know, there hardly seems
to be time enough nowadays

to help yourself, let
alone helping others.

This is yours, Mr. Kincaid.
Thank you, Harry.

Hey, Chip, you fellas get
those boxes back in the truck?

- Get home in time for dinner.
- Yeah, it's all set, Harry.

All right.

Hey, Bub, hop in the truck.

I'm going right by your
place. Thanks, Harry.

Hey, Harry, bowling
meet's Tuesday night.

You gonna be there? You betcha.

Nice talking to you, O'Casey.
I'll be seeing you, Kincaid.

Take care of yourself. Yeah.

After all, Rose Ann,

we deserve to treat ourselves
to a good time once in a while.

That's right, honey.

And I don't mean
the drug store, either.

I mean a nice cafe where we
can have a really good lunch.

Sure, and we'll put
on our print dresses

and get all gussied
up. We'll show 'em.

We may be married,
but we're not dead.

Was I in the navy?

Well, I've worn out more
seabags than you have socks.

Tell Hal hello
for me. All righty.

Huey, Chip, come on over
here where I can watch you.

Six dollars and ten cents...

six dollars and 25 cents...

six dollars and 35 cents...

Next time you guys
get a job, let us know.

How are we supposed to get paid
if the Jensens aren't even home?

Don't worry about it.

Mrs. Jensen said
to write out the bill,

slip it under the door

and Mr. Jensen will drop the money
by our place around dinnertime.

Looks pretty good.

Yeah.

That's what I call a
bunch of good neighbors.

This make you happy?

Yep. That makes me happy.

You know, that paint job changes
the look of the whole place.

Yeah, it kind of does.

Got back at you for this.

What do you think I am?!
What did you do that for?!

What did you do this
for? This was by accident.

What do you think I am? You
slapped me in the face with this thing.

You think I'm a
canvas or something?

I mean, I get painted over
there, I get painted over here.

What about this?
That was by accident.

Well, how did our two
money-grabbers do today?

Well, I've never seen two
happier pirates in my life.

They're upstairs right
now getting duded up

to go out and spend the
loot, I guess. I suppose.

Where'd they make their killing?

Jensen's over on Maple Street.

You don't mean old
Carl Jensen? Yeah.

You mean to tell me they
took money from them?

Why, those poor old folks haven't got
enough to... Well, don't jump on me for it.

I tried to tell... Mike! Robbie!

Come on down here,
I want to talk to you.

You two gangsters
better get down here.

Your dad's home. Money,
money, money. That's all they...

Hello.

Yes, this is Mr. Douglas.

Oh, come on, Robbie, cut it out.

I'm not following you. I'm
just walking behind you.

I got to get down
some way, don't I?

Well, walk in front of me.

Yes.

Well, thanks for telling me.

Yes. Good-bye.

What did you want,
Dad? Did you call us, Dad?

Yeah, that was
Mr. Jensen on the phone.

Oh?

He was telling me about that
envelope you put under his door.

What's the trouble?
Yeah, what about it?

Well, all I can say is,

I don't think you fellas
are going to get very rich

by writing "no
charge" on your bills.

Well, we couldn't take money
from people like the Jensens.

I'm glad you figured
it out that way.

It was a darn nice
thing for you to do.

Besides, it was kind of fun.

Of course, we're just as
broke as we ever were. Yeah.

Hey, yeah, Dad, uh,

how about doing something
for somebody some time?

Yeah, just a somebody
for something...

Or just for somebody, some
time just to do something for...

Dad, how about loaning
us a couple of bucks?

There you go again. I was
just about to say that same...

What do you mean? How am I
supposed to know what you're going to say?

Well, why don't you
listen and let me finish...

I got my own thoughts,
too. Every time I...

Well, like I was saying,
every time I say something...

Every time you say something...