My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 1 - The Magic Hour - full transcript

Recently Randy had become curious about hair dryers so we borrowed one from Joy.

I really like the look,Earl,but come on,

who has 30 minutes every morning to spend on their hair?

You keep practicing,little buddy.

I gave up the xylophone and always regretted it.

Lucky kid.Still got a shot at beg somebody.

What's going on,Joy?

It's the grand re-opening of Mystery Funland.

These Make-A-Wish T- shirts will keep us from having to wait in long lines.

I'm dying.

I'm dying,too.



I'm not going to the funeral,Earl.

Tiny cof creep me out.

And you still owe me 45 cents from when I used to live here.

We need to settle up,pronto.

They're not sick,Randy.

Joy's just taking advantage of Make-A-Wish.

Hey!

The kid two trailers down got to go to Space Camp once his sickle cell finally kicked in.

Why should my kids suffer just 'cause they're healthy?

I couldn't btoo judgmental.

A few years back,I did a bad thing to the Make-A-Wish people myself.

It was late New Year's Eve and Randy drove home without me on account of me

accidentally giving him a midnight kiss,which we still don't talk about.

Walking wasn't working well,but I found another means of transportation.



Oh,that's a giant dog!

You're going the wrong way.

Next morning,I felt like I'd been kicked in the head by a horse,

which actually might have happened.

Make-A-Wish child Buddy Zaks lost his wish today

when the pony he was to ride in the New Year's Day parade was tragically stolen.

So,well-wishers tried bravely to salvage littleuddy's dream.

This sucks.

This was Buddy's last chance to ride in the parade,

because while not all Make-A-Wish kids are dying,this one is.

Now here's Chick Dabney with the weather.

It was almost ten years since Buddy died,

so there wasn't much I'd be able to do for him.

But I figured I'd try to do something for his parents.

This is so cool!

I wonder if getting tattoos hurts trees as much as it does humans.

- Hello,uh,Mrs.Zaks?
- Yes.

A few years ago,I stole your son's Make-A-Wish pony and I'm here to make it up him.

I mean,not to him,'cause he's,you know.

an angel.

What's up,bro?

You stole my pony?

Buddy?

I- I thought you were dead.

I saw you on the news.

I know what happened.

He made a wish to still be alive.

Why don't they all do that?

After I told him about my list,

Buddy invited us in and he explained

how he had defied all the doctor's expectations about him dying.

It may surprise you,but Camden doesn't have the best doctors.

I mean,I've had three watches dropped in my body during surgery,

and one of them's still in there.

So I take it you're a movie buff?

Hell,yeah!

You spend 95% of your teen years in bed,you're going to watch somelicks.

What's your favorite movie?

Oh,without a doubt,2 The Max.

It's all action with Max Patrick--

CIA agent,Navy SEAL,gigolo,and devoted family man.

Watch as Max stops the terrorists from using a giant robot squid to kill the president!

Me and Randy love squid movies.

How'd we miss it?

Wait,is that the one that started out all boring with the Ren?e Zellweger girl?

'Cause we walked out of that thing.

No,no,no,you didn't miss it because it hasn't been made yet.

It's all up here.

Uh,and in here.

And some of it's over here.

Stop it!

Do it again.

Ah,stop it!

Do it again.

Wait,wait,wait.

Let me lick it.

I like your brother.

He likes you,too.

Wait a minute.

I like him.

He likes me.

We all like squids,and you owe me.

You know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna make this movie!

And it is going to be.

y awesome!

Stop it!

Do it again.

Stop it!

H- Hold on.

You're saying we're going to make a movie?

Yeah,dot worry.

I've got plenty of books on how to do it.

And if you want to cross me off your list,you'll help me,man.

You can be the producer.

Producer?

Yeah!

Look at me,Randy.

I'm a producer.

I know.I saw.

Besides sounding cool,what exactly does that mean?

Oh,is awesome,man.

I mean,you get to pay for everything and hire everybody.

And you get to make sure that everything happens exactly like it looks up here.

Yeah,yeah.We-We-We can absolutely make your movie.

Or.

Nah.

I want the movie.

Buddy wanted each person he cast to fit his artistic vision.

For Max's wife,he wanted someone who was hot,but edgy.

Teresa!

Get your fat ass out here and bring your noisy little brat inside.

And he seems to have misplaced his lophone.

What are you looking at?

You're perfect.

I know.

And who was I to judge his artistic vision.

Oh,God!

Soda water,please!

It's setting!

Does anyone have a Tide stick?

This is my best irregular Tommy Bahama.

There's our panicky scientist.

That's right,cucaracha.

Drink the poison and bring it back to your filthy home to feed to your babies.

Ruthss terrorist.

Nice!

Check out this great suit I found behind the motel.

I had to kick a litter of fresh cat babies off it,but I left them my T-shirt.

That's a sweet suit.

We have our president.

And here's my Secretary of Cute.

Once we had our cast,we started shooting our movie.

Okay,so,uh,this is the scene where the president first hears about the giant squid.

Everybody know what to do?

All right.

Lightning in a bottle,people!

And.

action!

Mr.President,as per your request,

we are unfreezing Benedict Arnold so you can punch him in the stomach.

While he thaws,the vice president s an announcement.

Mr.President,this fax just came in.

New York City is under attack by a giant squid.

The joint chief of staff has declared a state of emergency.

He is requesting permission to go to death con six.

I didn't take this job to let our free land be swallowed by some squid.

Get me Max Patrick.

And then you hear a big thud from outside and react.

What in the tarnation was that?

And then we'll cut to a shot of the squid outside.

Randy,you say.

I said get me Max Patrick!

Now!

And then I enter.

Did somebody say my name?

Ad-lib excitement!

No.

Cut!

Cut!

You don't say "ad-lib excitement."

You-You just act excited like.

We have a major problem here.

Earl.

Listen.

Thanks.

That's.Thank you.

Um,listen,other than Randy,who is awesome,um,everybody else stinks.

These other actors.

Uh,Patty sounds like a transvestite.

And-And Joy,she just keeps right in the camera,so you got to fix this.

I'll be in my trailer!

Uh,don't worry,I'll-I'll figure it out.

Look,uh,Buddy isn't happy with some of the performances.

And-And,Joy,you got to stop looking at the camera.

If I don't look at the camera,how would the audience know I'm talking?

He says Randy's the only one who gets it.

Acting's easy.

You just pretend toe different people and then talk like that.

Joy should say,"Mr.President,"per your request,

we're unfreezing Benedict Arnold so you can punch him in the stomach.

" And then Patty goes,"Mr.President,this fax just arrived.

New York City's under attack by a giant squid!

" See?

You can do anybody.

Are you talking to me?

Nobody else is here,so you must be talking to me.

E.T.phone.home.

We didn't land on Plymouth Rock!

Plymouth Rock landed on us!

I want a hard target search of every farmhouse,

doghouse,henhouse,in-house and outhouse.

Your fugitive'sname is Dr.Richard Kimble.

I'm not an animal.

I'm a human being.

It puts the lotion on its skin.

It done as its told.

Put the lotion in the basket!

Choosy moms choose Jif.

Randy showing off just made people more upset.

And it wasn't just the performances that caused problems.

I eat terrorists for lunch with my caviar.

I'm Max Patrk.

I am afraid of no one.

It's time for me to declare.

a jihad!

Cut!Did we get it?

I need to take a five.

Another thing I learned about movies is special effects can be tricky.

So,everybody remember,the last thing that's gonna happen in the scene

is that my flamethrower watch goes off.

Is safety ready?

And.

action.

Mr.President,this.

The president's on fire!

The president's on fire!

Keep filming!

Keep filming!

But the hardest part of all was dealing with Buddy's perfectionalism.

Cut!

Earl,I need real limousines for the motorcade.

The president needs a kick-ass limo.

It has got to be.

awesome!

I'll be in my trailer!

Ohm-maybe you didn't see.

This is a '98 Civic,and it's got a spoiler.

What with the screaming and people catching on fire and all,

by the end of the week,morale was pretty low.

Okay,so the president and Max's wife are trapped by squids on,

uh,the roof of the White House,and it's like,"Whoo!"

And And then,Max Patrick appears out of nowhere,

he saves the president and blows up the squid with his laser watch.

It's gonna be awesome.

Any questions?

How is this not gonna look like crap?

Look,guys,you got to trust me.

It's all gonna be done with special effects and camera tricks,

but we only got one shot at this while the sun is rocking that awesome gold color.

In the business,we call that "the magic hour".

Yeah,well,my magic hour is when this thing is done

and we're all drinking at the Crab Shack.

Let's go!

All right,Earl,call it.

And.

action.

Max,wherever you are,please save us.

Sorry I was late.

DC traffic is a bitch.

The fate of the free world is in your strong,handsome hands.

Now.

helicopter!

Mr.President,I've got to get you both out of here.

Come with me.

We have to go.

I'm not going without you.

Don't you realize what these suction cup bastards will do to you?

Okay,I'll go,but not without a kiss first.

Can I do it on the hand?

Lips.

Cheek.

Let me check my watch and see what time it is.

Oh,it's time for fish stew.

Explosion!

Awesome take,everybody.

Let's do a couple more Oh,hell,no,I quit.

I only do tongue kisses if it's Brad Pitt or Eric Roberts.

And what the heck is that smoke?

My eyes hurt,and I have an unproductive cough.

Oh,don't worry,I got it from a crop duster-- it's even safe for plants.

Oh,God.

Now my nose is bleeding.

I quit.

Come on,people,don't quit.

Kenny,I'll get you a Wet-Nap.

Your people love those.

Earl.

magic hour.

Sorry,Earl,but I quit,too.

And so will William,if he ever wakes up again.

What's going on?

Crew call's at 10:00.It's 10:02.

What do you mean,what's going on?

You were there-- everybody quit.

So what?

In Hollywood,people say they quit all the time.

Nobody actually does it.

I'm sorry,but this is Camden.

People quit everything here.

That's why the freeway ends in a field.

But look,I can play the president.

And I got a blonde wig to play your wife.

We just tape down the button on the camera,

and I can hold the boom mic down low out of frame or.

or hide it on my head under a hat.

We can do this.

Yeah,but it'll suck donkey.

You know what,it's fine.

It's fine.Things happen in this business.

Production gets cut short,you gotta roll with the punches.

And I already got all my dream shots.

Better to make a short,awesome movie than a long,mediocre one.

So,is that it?

You don't need me anymore?

One more thing.

Give me two weeks to edit the footage,and then throw me a movie premiere.

But everybody quit.

Who's even gonna show up?

Earl.

if you throw it,they will come.

What?

If you throw it,they will come.

Have you ever en a movie without Burt Reynolds in it?

Not all the way through,no.

A couple weeks later,2 The Maxwas set to premiere.

It was the first film shot in Camden since the documentary about thchemical spill,

so we got a good crowd.

As if turning down the part of Indiana Jones

to play a bank teller onLaverne & Shirley wasn't bad enough,

I also made the mistake of not nailing Penny Marshall when I had the chance.

So what part do you play in this vi

What movie?

And despite the bad taste everyone had in their mouths from the filming,

they came out to enjoy the glamour of a Camden movie premiere.

Here come two of the film's stars,Joy and Darnell "The Crab Man" Turner.

So,Joy,tell the viewers whose clothes you're wearing.

What are you talking about?

These are mine,bitch.

I meant,which designer?

I got it at Rite Aid.

Supposed to be worn the other way,but seriously,

what would you rather see,shoulder blades or cleavage?

Sometimes I think clothing designers are gay men.

I did all my own stunts.

I even caught on fire.

That wasn't in the script.

Turns out I've been doing my own stunts my whole life.

I've just been calling them accidents until now.

In my younger days,I did some commercial acting.

See if this rings a bell.

"Pretty sneaky,sis."

I didn't say that,but I was the sneaky sis.

I finally got everybody seated,then realized not everybody was seated.

The man of the hour still hadn't shown up.

Hey,Mrs.Zaks.

Where's Buddy?

The projectionist has to get the equipment back tonight

before the janitor locks up the school.

Earl,Buddy's not coming tonight.

Buddy's mom had some really bad news.

There was a reason Buddy kept storming off to his trailer all the time.

He wasn't just a bitchy little Hollywood wannabe.

He was a bitchy little Hollywood wannabe who need hourly treatments.

I put a Fonzie sticker on the IV bag today.

I thought it would make it more fun.

Heyyy.

Turns out the doctors were right about Buddy's health.

They were just about ten years off on the expiration date.

I can't believe he's gone.

His one dream was to make a movie,and he didn't even get to see the premiere.

Earl,making the movie wasn't his only dream.

Buddy had tons of crazy dreams,and you helped him with all of them.

You'll understand when you see this.

I decided not to tell anyone about what happened to Buddy until after the emre.

I kind of figured he wouldn't want people feeling sorry for him.

He'd rather they just enjoy the movie.

Written By BUDDY ZAKS

Directed By BUDDY ZAKS

Starring BUDDY ZAKS

Starring JIMMY SMITS

I didn't take this job to let our free land be swallowed by some squid.

Get me Max Patrick.

What in the tarnation was that?

I said get me Max Patrick,now!

Did somebody say my name?

And everyone did enjoy it,including me and his mom.

Watching Buddy's film,I realized what his mom was talking about.

Making that movie let him live out every crazy dream a boy could have.

He got to meet a president.

He got to be a spy in the CIA.

He got to save someone's life.

The president's on fire!

And thanks to special effects,

Buddy finally got to ride a horse in the 1999 New Year's Day parade.

And the best part was,Buddy somehow pulled off his magic hour shot.

Sorry I'm late.

DC traffic is a bitch.

Stand back,hone

The fate of the free world is in your strong,handsome hands.

Here comes the chopper.

Mr.President,I've got to get you both out of here.

Let me just check my watch and see what time it is.

Oh,it's time for fish stew.

Lasers are awesome,but not as awesome as your lips,baby.

Why not put them 2 the Max?

Rocket shoes,engage.

Hey,baby,you ever been to Paris?

Buddy knew his own sun was setting.

That's why he was so particular about the movie,

and even though we didn't finish,he got all his dream shots.

And everybody in the audience could see he'd reay made something special.

After that,you couldn't help but think of your life as a movie,

knowing eventually your own sun was gonna set,making every hour into a magic hour.

Buddy made us all realize we shouldn't waste our shots screwing around.

We should do the things we always wanted to do while we had the chance.

Darnell tried his hand at creating great art.

Catalina used one of her shifts at Club Chubby to try something she always dreamed of doing.

Instead of stripping,I will be doing improv.

I need a location and a nd of food.

Joy started her own clothing line.

I did it,I did it!

You made that shirt?

No,I stole the shirt.

I designed a way to makehe security tag look like jewelry.

And Randy decided to explore things he was curious about.

The Hickey's

And I took up the xylophone again.

And I wasn't very good,

but that didn't mean I wasn't gonna give it my best and try to make it.

awesome.