My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 23 - The Trial - full transcript

The dresser,

the bed spread,

the lamp,

the television,

the telephone...

Randy was pointing out all the things
he was going to miss at the motel,

'cause it was our last night there.

We were moving.

...the vending machine
that takes buttons...

Paul, the sleep-walking guy
from downstairs.

Yeah, I'm going to miss Paul, too.



We've had some good times here.

Except for the gas leak--
that was kind of scary.

Wasn't that bad.

We slept through most of it.

So why were me and Randy moving ?

Well, I had recently realized

that I had cheated myself out
of becoming an adult.

So I put Earl Hickey on the list.

I got my G.E.D.

I got a real job...

And finally, me and Randy
moved into a real apartment.

Hey, Earl ?

Yeah, Randy ?

What color is the ceiling
in your room ?



White.

Mine, too.

Hey, why don't you two lovebirds
get off channel nine ?

This is an emergency frequency.

Sorry, sir.

Good night, Randy.

Good night, Earl.

Good night,
emergency frequency.

Get off it !

Me and Randy had just moved
into our new apartment

and were having our first breakfast.

Man, everyone here is so friendly.

I even got some helpful advice
from one of our neighbors last night.

When I go out looking for
an ice machine, I should put on pants.

Oh, and there's no ice machine.

This is a nice place.

But I got this weird feeling inside.

I can't really explain it, but

I don't know, it feels like
something's missing.

Yeah.

I picked all the marshmallow charms
out of your cereal.

I hoped you wouldn't notice.

Well, that's not it.

Although I do wish you wouldn't
put your hands in my cereal.

It's just that, I don't know,

I-I crossed off all the things
on my list to become an adult,

and I don't know, I just...

I don't feel like
I thought I would.

Wait, let that thing I bought
answer it.

Hello !
This is a Mr. T impersonator.

I pity the fool who doesn't leave
a message for...

...Randy and Earl.

That was so worth 20 bucks.

Earl, get your ass down
to the jail right now.

I'm in big trouble.

There's about to be a race riot,

and me and the baby
are on different sides.

How'd you end up in jail ?
I thought you were hiding in Mexico.

Yeah, well, running from the law
wasn't as easy

as they made it look on
The Dukes of Hazzard.

Joy was in a heap of trouble.

It started last fall
when she stole a truck and got arrested.

Unfortunately,
it was a third strike,

and now she was facing
life in prison.

So Joy took
an unscheduled vacation...

Mexico.

And things were going well
for a while.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

You're Dog, the Bounty Hunter.

I am your biggest fan.

My name is Joy.

Turner, I got a warrant
for your arrest, baby.

Bail jumping and interstate flight
to avoid prosecution.

Oh, Chascuito...

This is crazy, Joy.

You keep making things worse
for yourself.

Running away makes you look guilty.

Look, I'm freaking out, okay ?

I could go away for life !
You know how long that is ?

Well, depends on how long you...

70 more years.

Look at my lifeline !

Now listen, my deaf lawyer said that
I have to have good character witnesses,

and I need you
to go find them for me.

Now, write these names down.

So, it's not fun huh ?

It's lonely in solitary.

I miss my cell mate.

- Why'd they put you in solitary ?
- I killed my cell mate.

I stopped by the trailer to see
how Darnell was doing on his own.

I didn't really need to ask,
'cause his hair is like a mood ring.

The kids found the sugar
and the Fourth of July poppers.

They've been awake for 36 hours.

Whoo !

Why is Mr. Turtle taped
to the ceiling window ?

Oh, that's where he is ?

I thought he ran away.

I wouldn't blame him.

Want me to get him down ?
He-He looks kind of scared.

His tiny turtle butt's
all puckered up.

He's probably safer up there.

I'm having a little trouble
controlling the kids, Earl.

And keeping up with the chores
and my shifts at work.

Ow !

Dodge, uh... how about you stop
hitting Old Daddy with firecrackers

and go eat sugar with your brother
while I talk to New Daddy, okay ?

Here, go help them with the clothes.

Come on, kids...

Look, Crab Man,
if you want, me and Randy

can take the kids off your hands
for a while, give you a break.

Get the perk back into your hair.

Thanks, Earl, but it's not
just taking care of the kids.

I don't think I can do this.

I can't live without Joy.

She's the other half of my heart.

That's sweet.

She's got the other piece ?

No.

It's somewhere in my colon.

She made me eat her half
when we got into a fight once.

I miss her, Earl.

Without that woman
in my life, I'm nothing.

That's when I realized
what was missing in my life.

The one adult thing
I didn't have yet.

A woman to love and share
a tiny gold heart necklace with.

Truth was,
I'd met a woman a year before

I probably could have
felt that way about.

Her name was Alex the professor.

We'd had a connection, but

Karma didn't think I was ready
for a relationship,

so it sent bees to sting our faces.

The time wasn't right then, but
now I thought maybe it was.

I had made a lot of
personal progress since then,

including learning the phrase
"personal progress."

Stop, stop, stop !
Nipples are out of bounds.

Nipples are out of bounds !

Guys, stop screaming.
I'm making a call here.

You have reached
the voice message system for...

Alex Myers.

To leave a message, press one.

You have made an invalid entry.

If you would like
to leave a message, press one.

I don't have buttons.
I just have holes.

Oh ! Hey, Randy, I think
you just screamed a "one" tone.

Uh, Alex, this is Earl Hickey.

Uh, you know, the guy
with the list and the mustache.

Well, you told me to call you
when I was ready for a relationship,

and, well, I've matured and I think
I'm ready for one now. So

give me a buzz.

That was supposed to be a joke.

Remember the bees ?

Uh... call me.

Damn it, I forgot to lve my number.

Boys, when I point to you,
tickle Uncle Randy

until he screams
the "one" tone again.

I wanted to wait by the phone
for Alex to call, but

I had use most of my lunch hour
to find character witnesses for Joy.

I started with
her old best friend, Lulu.

I haven't seen her in a few years.

Last time she was here,
she drank too much cherry wine

and had a threesome
with my parents.

Oh, yeah, I remember that night.

We were still married.

You know, that was not
a fun car ride home.

Well, uh, thanks anyway.

Next, I went to see Joy's minister.

You can't get much better
than a man of God

as a character witness.

Last time I saw her, she came to church
wearing a denim bikini.

When I told her
it wasn't appropriate, she said,

"You don't think Jesus
would want a piece of this ?"

I'll put you down as a "no."

Later, I almost got a celebrity
to give Joy's endorsement.

But unfortunately,
he had a scheduling conflict.

Oh, I'd love to,
but my family called,

and they just booked me
a guest star role

on some reality show
called Intervention.

It should be fun.

They're meeting me there.

So, I took a long shot
and even asked Catalina.

Gracias por ver nuestra programa.

Los vamos a extra?ar este verano.

?No te parece c?mico que Earl piensa

que yo le estoy diciendo cuanto
yo ?dio a Joy, pero en re?lidad

le estoy diciendo cuanto la quiero ?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no...

What are you doing in our room ?

This happens every year.

You got two new messages, fool !

Hey, Earl, it's Alex.

It was so great to hear from you.

I'm so happy your life is going well.

I have some news.

I got married two months ago. Um...

I'm sorry our timing didn't work out.
You're a great guy.

I hope you have a wonderful life.

You deserve it.

Hey, dummy, hurry up !

My deaf lawyer won't shut up about
needing those character witnesses.

She's talking so much
I think she sprained her pinky.

Hey, Tasha, did you hear that ?

Did you hear what I said
about my lawyer ?

Now, give me some of those Doritos.

I went to Joy's lawyer's office

feeling bad that I didn't find
any character witnesses, and

even worse, that I'd never find a woman
as pretty and smart as Alex.

Hello ?

And then I met Ruby.

I was pretty blown away was I saw

Joy's deaf lawyer for the first time.

If my hands could talk,
they would have said "wow."

She thinks you'll be
a good character witness.

Me ? Really ?

Is it 'cause I'm...

tall and have
a handsome mustache ?

She didn't mention that.

Probably because she's not
into the Village People.

Even though you've got
a bit of a checkered past,

this list shows that you've
really turned your life around.

Judges and juries eat that stuff up.

Well, tell her I'd be honored
to be a witness.

I've never told the truth
in court before.

We're talking about Joy's character.

Try not to tell
too much of the truth.

I couldn't tell if Ruby liked me, or

if she was touching me with
her talking hands as punctuation.

- But either way, I liked it.
- Randy, I need your help. I...

You're going to wake them up.

This is the first time
they've slept in three days.

Randy, he's getting ice cream
on the carpet.

Touch them and you die.

I'm sorry.

I'm just a little frazzled.

What was it you need help with ?

Well, I think I found
the girl I'm supposed to share

a tiny half-heart
gold necklace with.

Is it the lanky girl that always does
karaoke at the Crab Shack ?

She was crawling towards you
when she sang Like a Virgin.

Nope, it's Joy's deaf lawyer.

But I just don't know
how to ask a deaf woman out.

Well, since she can't hear you,
it doesn't matter what you say.

Just look cool while
you're saying it, like this...

For once I was excited
to go down to the jail,

'cause it meant
I got to see Ruby again.

Hey, how's Darnell holding up ?

Darnell ?

He's, uh... He's, uh...

This crab is still alive.

I'll be right back with your soda.

Good, he's good.

I didn't want to worry Joy
with how flat Crab Man's hair was.

Besides, I was more interested
in looking cool for Ruby.

She wants to know any good stories

that would make a jury
feel sorry for Joy.

Oh, tell them how I had to put
a towel over your chest during sex,

so I wouldn't get rug burns.
That'll make them feel sorry for me.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We can skip that.

Not if it helps out my case.

Oh, tell them
how I had to listen to you cry

about having those semi-gay dreams
about that guy from 90210.

Uh, R-R-Ruby doesn't need
to hear about that.

What do you care if she knows ?

Oh, my God.

You want to jump her bones.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

Earl and my lawyer
sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S...

What are you doing ?

Will you stop signing
everything she's saying ? !

I got this one, Doug.

My stupid ex-husband
wants to do you.

That's okay.

Maybe we should
talk about this over dinner.

Oh, my God.

You like him back.

Well, the good thing is you won't be
able to hear his sex sounds.

It's happening, it's happening...

Joy ! Doug, I will take
those hands away from you.

So me and Ruby went to dinner.

Since I'd never been
on a date with a deaf lady before,

I wanted to be prepared.

I can read lips.

Yeah, I know, it's just that
I'm going to be eating in a little bit

and I didn't want you to have
to stare at my chewed-up food.

Oh, okay.

Oh, uh, that's, uh...

That's f-for later.

You know,
just in case of hanky-panky.

Look, I'm sorry,
let me get rid of that.

Hold on to this.

You never know.

Man !

Something about her accent
really turned me on.

And, later that night,

she did more with my lips
than just read them.

Yes.

Twice.

I was feeling good.

I had a job, my G.E.D.,
an apartment,

and a hot, professional,
deaf girlfriend.

And it was all 'cause of my list.

This shows such good character.

Well, I am a character witness.

You could cross this off.

Number 33: "Been a lazy lover."

Well, thank you, Ruby.

That means "thank you."

Now I can understand
two things in sign language :

"Thank you" and
"Your knee is on my hair."

My life was finally perfect,
until Ruby read my list.

Hey ! This is me.

Turns out,
those little ethnic robot kids

who sang "It's a Small World"
weren't kidding.

A couple years ago,
me and Randy found out

there was a deaf person
living in Camden.

We decided it would be
really easy to rob her.

Randy, where did you go ? I got in !

Whoo-hoo ! Robbing the deaf !

It wasn't me !

I mean, it was me, but it was
the old me, the preadult Earl.

You stole my cat.

Well, to be fair,
the cat followed us.

This was a mistake !

Well, I don't think it was a mistake.

I think it was beautiful.

In fact, it was one of
the greatest nights I've ever had !

But it doesn't matter,

'cause you can't hear
a single word I'm saying right now.

Damn it.

This was it. The big day.

Joy's trial.

And with her facing the possibility
of going away for life,

I wanted to make sure
the jury had a real good view

of Darnell's droopy hair
and the kids' sad little faces.

Oh, these are, uh...
saved for some kids.

Uh, it's their mom's first trial.
It's kind of special.

I felt awful.

I hoped to be able to talk to Ruby
at the trial, but

it was clear
she didn't want to talk to me.

Hey, Crab Man.

Hey, Crab Man.

I brought a Weeble for the judge
to whack with his wood hammer.

I always wanted to see what made
these things not fall down.

What happened to your nose ?

Those kids are wild, Earl.

While I was sleeping, they shoved
about 20 M&Ms up there.

He's been sneezing them out
for the last hour.

They melt in your mouth,
but not in your nose.

The kids were crazy,
and Darnell was a mess.

This family was coming apart
like a burrito without a tortilla.

And this family's tortilla
could be going away for life.

Even with her future at stake,
she still knew a mother's job

was to make her kids
feel comfortable.

Here, boys.

Saved you my pudding cups
from my last two lunches.

Thanks.

Be seated.

This was it.

It was finally time
for the trial to begin,

and we needed everything
to go perfectly.

Then Doug ate one of
Darnell's lemon squares.

There's a razor blade in this !

I'm sorry, baby. I might have mixed up
his batch of squares with yours.

Damn it ! How am I supposed
to keep my legs smooth ?

And cut bitches ?

Since Doug
couldn't interpret for Ruby,

we had to find a new translator.

We did find one but,
well, she didn't speak English.

Which meant we had to have
a translator for the translator.

We will prove Joy Turner is guilty.

My bad. Not guilty.

I'm sorry.
My Mandarin is a little rusty.

Our defense team
had Joy a little worried, and

it didn't get better when
the other team laid out their evidence.

15 sets of prints
matching Joy Turner's.

Wow !

So this is actually
a security photo of the defendant

running towards the truck
30 seconds before it was stolen.

Wow !

She was there
moments before the theft,

and seemed threatening
and menacing ?

She was crazed.

And I'm not exaggerating.

I know crazy when I see it.

When I was a baby,
my mother once tried to cook me.

She was baby-cooking crazy !

Wow !

We object !

Luckily, what Ruby lacked in ears
she made up for in brain power.

She discredited the fingerprints...

And there were 16 other sets
of unidentified prints on the car.

Now that is a "Wow !"

And she discredited the witness.

Is it true that you have called
the Camden Police Department

three times in the past year

to report a lizard in your kitchen ?

It was a baby alligator.

It was a lizard !

She even discredited the photos.

Do you know how many things can happen
in the span of 30 seconds ?

I may be a deaf woman,

but even I can hear that these
photographs scream, "Not guilty !"

Damn, girl, did you see how red
that prosecutor's face was ?

He looked like President
What's-His-Name probably did

when he found out
that intern kept that dress.

Yeah, that was great lawyering, Ruby.
I was really, really impressed.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

This is stupid.
Why don't you just talk ?

Stop complaining.

Are you mocking me ?

Just do your job.

Let's not get too excited.

Right now, the jury
could still go either way.

It's still 50/50.

Ruby explained that the telltale sign
of a jury on the fence

was if they were taking notes.

Once they stopped and leaned back,
they had made their decision.

We should get back in there.

Do you have any last-minute advice
before I take the stand ?

Yes. Pretend you're not an ass.

Ruby, please.

Can we just talk about this ?
I feel awful.

I'm not listening to you !

Ruby didn't want to hear
my excuses, but

she made sure the jury heard
everything I had to say about Joy.

And, even with a hangover, PMS
and two infected tattoos,

Joy still managed to bring
five buckets of KFC

to Dodge's kindergarten graduation.

I could tell the jury was with me,
so I just kept talking.

And, when our neighbor was sick,
she fed his two dogs all week.

She would have fed his cat, but
she didn't know he had one.

That wasn't her fault.

She knows all the words
to "My Sharona."

Floodwaters were up to here,
and she was, like,

"Come on, dummy,
you can stand on my car."

She cried when Mr. Rogers died.

She's got a cool little song she does
that helps her spell "Mississippi."

She can yodel.

How she balanced that dead pony

on two pairs of roller skates
I will never know,

but every single kid
at that party got a ride.

When I saw the jury
leaning back and smiling,

I knew my work was done.

And, on top of it all,
she was born in the U.S. of A.

Thank you.

That was fun, huh ?

Your witness, bitch !

Oh, he's, uh...
he's still learning English.

Afternoon, Mr. Hickey.

- After...
- You said something

that interested me.

Your relationship with Joy Turner
had ups and downs ?

- Well, it was, uh... mostly up.
- Was it an up...

when she tried to strangle you

with the laces
from your own work boots ?

Oh, I do... I don't think
she was trying to kill me.

She was just showing me how she'd
kill me if she was gonna kill me.

How do you know about that ?

You told me.

911. What's your emergency ?

Oh, my God ! You got to send help !

She's trying to strangle me
with one of my work boots !

What the hell you need
work boots for anyway ?

You ain't got no job.

Joy, stop it !

Stop it ! I can't breathe !

Help ! Help !

Wow !

Oh, i-it seems worse than it was.

See, I was eating powdered doughnuts,

and some sugar
went down the wrong pipe.

I could see the jurors
were starting to waiver again,

even the guy with the mustache.

And we usually stick together.

911. What's your emergency ?

Hey, Carmen, it's Earl.
She got into the paint again.

There's a blue ring
around her mouth, and

- she's coming after me with a hammer...
- We were working on a home

improvement project.

She just stabbed me in the neck
with a ballpoint pen !

Does anyone there know if I'm supposed
to leave it in or take it out ?

For the first time,

I started to think Joy was really gonna
spend the rest of her life in jail.

And I wasn't the only one.

I'm scared ! I'm so scared !

Please send someone soon !

Everybody was thinking it.

And I felt terrible, because

it was my words
that were gonna put her there.

No, honey,
this isn't the police. Huh...

I'm just ordering a pizza.

Yeah, yeah.
I'll have a pepperoni...

No, not the face !
Help ! You got to stop it !

And, as each jury person
made up their mind,

all I could think about was
a nice family being torn apart.

For God's sake, hurry !

There's only two closets
in this trailer.

She's gonna find me !

She pinned me down
and put salt in my eyes !

I don't know if she's here !
I can't see !

Joy, put down the lighter fluid.

No !

She meant a lot to her family,

and, well, she meant a lot to me.

Hey, Carmen. Earl again.

You might want to bring
the dogs this time.

She just hit a Girl Scout
with a rock !

Please hurry.

I'm hiding behind the trailer, but
she's gonna see where the phone cord...

Oh, my God !

Here she comes !

I think she's gonna throw
a puppy at me !

Bring the fire trucks, too !
She just torched the kitchen.

This woman should be locked up !
Locked up for life !

I did it.

What ?

Earl !

My prints are on the truck,

and look closer
at those crime scene photos.

There's two sets of tire tracks.

One of them will match my El Camino.

Joy's innocent.

I stole the truck.

Earl.

What are you doing ?

Well, I don't have
three strikes, and...

I also don't have a family.

They need you.

Thank you.

It made sense.

When I considered all the crimes I did
and never got caught for,

maybe this was Karma's way
of wanting me to pay.

What you did for Joy...

it showed great character.

I was going to miss that sexy accent.

The sad part was the thing
that made her like me again

was the very thing
that would keep us apart.

Well, since I have no major priors,

maybe I'll be back
in time for Christmas.

Mr. Hickey,
it showed guts to step up

and not let
an innocent woman go to jail.

But waiting this long to do it

shows that you're a piece of trash.

I sentence you to two years
in the state penitentiary.

Two years ?

Son of a bitch !

I had taken the fall so Joy
wouldn't have to give anything up.

But now I was the one
giving something up.

Not just my pretty deaf girlfriend.

I was giving up everything.

I was giving up my apartment...

I was giving up my job...

Hickey ?

Has anybody seen Hickey ?

Damn it.

Once a docker, always a docker.

And after two years
of crossing things off,

I even had to give up the list.

Don't forget to thank Old Daddy.

Ain't that the truth.

I had finally become an adult,

only to have everything taken away.

I had nothing.

I was all alone.

Hey, good buddy.

Ralph ?

Thank God you're here !

Listen, at lunch,
I spit in some skinhead's eye.

Wasn't my best decision.
Turns out he's got a pipe gun.

He's gonna come at us
later in the yard.

So here's a sock full of batteries.

All right, good buddy ?

It's good to see you, man.

Transcript : Raceman

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