My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 22 - Get a Real Job - full transcript

Me and Randy don't usually
set the alarm, but

today was our first day of work.

Rise and shine, hands off...

mine ! Randy !
Hands off mine !

Recently, I added
something to my list.

Number 273 :
"Kept myself from being an adult."

First thing I did was get a G.E.D.,
and the next step was finding a job.

Turns out it was easy to find a job.

The hard part was finding one
we'd want to keep.

Well, the crane's broken.

Guess we're using the saw.



But today was looking
a little more promising.

Man, these things smell clean.

They're a little bit itchy.

I wish I would have left
my underwear on.

Nice.

Wear those colors with pride.

You last a month,
we sew on a name tag.

Make it a year,
they're yours to keep.

And, before we unload a truck,

for good luck,

everybody rubs my mother's bust.

Hey, Reggie.

These are the new guys,
Earl and Randy.

- Show them the ropes.
- Will do, Mr. Waadt.



Well, all right.

Trucks come in and out
of here all day long.

Truck comes in, you unload it.
Truck goes out, you load it.

Next truck comes in,
you unload it.

- Next truck...
- Wait a second.

Go back to that first truck.

I think we got it.

Having a job isn't the most
glamorous way to spend your day, but

it felt good being a part
of the workforce.

Me and Randy were
real 9:00-to-5:00ers.

Hey, Earl, someone said
Wednesday is hump day.

I haven't seen any ladies here,

so I'll watch your back
and you watch mine.

And while me and Randy were learning
about the realities of grownup life,

Joy was getting her own
little dose of reality.

Hey, look who it is !

It's my deaf lawyer's word talker.

What up, Doug ?

You are such a sweet son,
taking your mama out shopping and all.

Yeah. She's my wife.

Um... I'll meet you inside.

Yuck !

I'm sorry.
It's just she's so damn old.

Well, that certainly is
a lot of punch.

Is someone at the trailer park
getting baptized ?

No, it's for me.
They're having a sale.

I love the green stuff.
Darnell won't touch it.

I like the orange.
Green gives me the hiccups.

All that's for you ?

You do realize your trial
starts next week, right ?

Not much of a trial.
I mean, my witness is dead.

They have other evidence, Joy.

This trial could go either way.
You have to prepare yourself for that.

I don't know if I would be buying
that much punch.

Want me to go get
your money back for the punch ?

I can't.

I already spit my gum
into the receipt,

just like I did with
the entertainment unit,

which forced me to steal the truck,

and is the reason
why I'm facing life in prison.

I swear to God, if Fruit Stripe just kept
its damn flavor a little bit longer,

I wouldn't be in this mess.

Me and Randy quickly learned
that our new job came with perks.

They give you a store credit card,
a week's vacation,

and anything you put in your 401K,
the company will match it.

I'm going to put a puppy in mine.

And twice a day,
we got to spend 15 minutes

eating food out of snack machines.

We're the perfect
cookie-eating team.

We used to be good with gum, too.

When we were kids,

Earl would soften it up,
and I would blow the bubbles.

Hey, guys, A-9 is empty.

I wonder what they're
going to put in there.

I hope they don't waste valuable
real estate with stamps again.

Or that Arm & Hammer stuff.

Mom always had that in the fridge
and it was a terrible snack.

No matter how much you eat,
it doesn't fill you up.

After four hours of box folding
and talking snacks,

I was getting a little bored.

You know, one time I pushed D-5,
and two bags of chips came out.

But then one time I pushed it,
and no chips came out.

Maybe I should switch
the order of that story.

You know,
so it has a happy ending.

I couldn't imagine doing a job
I had mastered on my first day

for the rest of my life.

That's when I got the call.

Hey, you.

We need a new floor model.
Bring that dishwasher up front.

It was my first time
on the sales floor,

and I had no idea that,
through those plastic curtains,

was a paradise more beautiful
than I had ever imagined.

They had air-conditioning
that felt like Frosty the Snowman

was blowing kisses up my coveralls.

Even the way it smelled
was better than the back.

Where we had B.O.,
they had cinnamon buns.

And the guys who worked in there
seemed to have it all--

the looks, the charm,

and the kind of straight teeth
you can only get from braces.

And just like the first time
I drank chocolate milk

and realized I wanted to live
my life with a mustache,

I knew I wanted to work in the front.

Hey, guys, how does someone
get a job in the showroom ?

As a salesman ?

Well, first, you get one
of those braided belts.

Then you put too much hair gel in,

which is good 'cause it makes it easier
to shove your head up your own rump.

And where would I get one
of these braided belts ?

Are you really thinking
you could work up there ?

Maybe. Let me set you straight
about something right now.

No one has ever moved
from the back to the front.

- Yeah, but...
- But nothing.

Now, I know you got your G.E.D.,

and you think the world's
going to be your little oyster,

but those guys out there,
they went to junior college.

South Nathanville Junior College.

That's the Harvard
of Camden area junior colleges.

Overeducated bastards.

You know what they call us ?

Dockers. Because we work
on the loading dock.

You know what the ironical part is ?

They actually wear Dockers.

We wear Dickies.

Which, by the way,
is what we call them.

In a perfect world, we'd switch pants,
but Dockers doesn't make a coverall.

Yeah, they're exclusively slacks.

We called.

You're not a front room guy, Hickey.

You're one of us.

There's nothing wrong
with being a docker.

Man, it sure smelled good in there.

Realizing she might
actually go to prison,

Joy started to prepare.

First, she had a yard sale
so the family would have money.

Thank you for your business !

Hey, Darnell, guess what ?

What ?

I sold the porch.

Then she prepared for getting along
with the inmates.

Listen, I'm going to need you
to teach me how to speak Mexican

so I can talk to the Latina gangs
when I'm in prison.

'Cause, I mean, I already know
how to speak Black,

and I'm not afraid of Asians.

Joy, just walk up to the biggest lady
you can find, and say, "Buenos dias.

Estoy aqu? para hacer tu perra."

I heard bitch in there.

I mean, I'm not stupid.

I been called bitch in every
single language there is.

God! Nice try, "be-yotch."

That's Black.

And finally, she sold the Brat
so Darnell would have

the right transportation
while she was away.

But you loved that car.

I know.

But you got to take the highway
to come and visit me in prison.

The Brat gets the shimmies
when you hit 35.

Now, this is a very popular model.

Yes, but is it reliable ?

Oh, yeah. My mom's had that kind
of dryer for over 20 years.

I happen to know from experience,
you can put a neighbor kid

in it almost every day
for most of the year,

and it'll still run good as new.

I'll take it.

Well, let me get you a salesman.

Hey, Brandon ?

You're good with people, Hickey.

You're kind of like a people person.

Thanks.

You know...

I've been thinking of talking to you
about becoming a salesman.

You don't become a salesman.

You're born a salesman.

Except for those people who learned
how to be a salesman.

Truth is, most people do it that way.

I tell you what.

If you show me
that you want it bad enough,

I'll think about
bringing you up front.

Yes.

Look. They filled A-9 with popcorn.
What are we going to talk about now ?

B-7 is almost empty.

Hey, rookie !

Anyone ever teach you
the right way to use a broom ?

You take the handle,
put it at a 45-degree angle,

lean it against the wall, and sit
your ass down and eat some lunch.

You got hair gel in here ?

You're still thinking
about working in the showroom ?

Didn't you hear a damn word I said ?

Front room and back room don't mix.

Come on.
We're all just people.

They're not people.
They're dickies.

Dickies who think
you're dumber than they are

just because they're
a little smarter than you.

I hate that.

I wouldn't be like that
if I worked out front.

I'm not smarter than anybody.

I'm a regular dude.

If you were a regular dude,
you'd be staying back here.

Oh, look at me,
I'm Mr. Get Ahead.

I want to take a shower
every day and wear a tie.

A tie !

Enough !

My whole life,
I been thinking like that.

Making fun of kids who studied.

Thinking that guys who worked
to get ahead were jerks.

But you know what ?
Maybe I was wrong.

Because, in over 30 years,
it sure hasn't gotten me anyplace.

Give it up, son.
You'll never be one of them.

And ce you try,
you'll never be one of us.

I got sweeping to do.

Don't be mad.
I just want to fit in with the guys.

While my hard work
wasn't impressing my coworkers...

they weren't the ones
I was trying to impress.

Hickey ?

We don't open for two hours.

How did you get in here ?

Through an air duct.

Don't worry.
I sealed it back up.

What about the alarm ?

Disabled, re-abled.

I wasn't just proving
I was a hard worker.

I was preparing in case
Mr. Waadt gave me a shot.

Toaster oven.

Model DB2301.

30-minute timer,
removable crumb tray.

Who's on fire ?

Yep. I got the dent out.

Nice work.

We can sell that full-price.

Have you seen my foot ?

Oh ! There it is.

And then it happened.

I'm giving you your shot, kid.
You earned it.

Thank you, sir.
You won'regret this.

But it's just a trial.

If you want to stay out there,

I need to see five grand in sales
by the end of the day Sunday.

I promise I won't let you down, sir.

I can do anything I put my mind to.

Could you tie this for me so
I can slip it on every morning ?

I don't tie ties.

And I don't listen to excuses.

Five grand, Hickey.

See me when you get there.

I did it.

Good luck. I'm proud of you.

Close your eyes.

See, if I go away to prison,

you're gonna want
some companionship,

plus, I don't want
you to go cheatin', so....

Open up.

Oh, my God !

Found one that looks just like me.

She takes two triple-A batteries,

and you can get em' out of
Dodge's Lite Brite.

Check that out.

She's even got that new car smell.

I know how you like that.

I do like that smell,

but I also like the smell of bacon,
but I'm not going to fornicate it.

Oh, come on !

Says right here if you soak her
in a hot tub for ten minutes

she feels even more lifelike.

You can even pop her head off
and nuke it in the microwave !

Hey, guys, I'm Earl.

This is great, huh ?

Living the dream.

Living the dream.

Did I have it tied wrong ?

Everything about you
being here is wrong.

I didn't take
Intro to Beginning Statistics

twice at junior college
to work with some docker.

We're gonna make sure that
you don't sell five grand by Sunday.

And if you think we're kidding...

we're not.

In my younger days, I would have either
stabbed him with the scissors or

strangled him with the tie.

But not this time.

I was an adult now.

And I was gonna prove
to everyone I could do it.

They could cut my tie, but
they couldn't cut out my heart.

The nice thing about this model
is it's a pain in the ass to steal.

See, it's got these
triangle-shaped lock nuts.

Try to unhook it in the dark
with a regular wrench,

you get a scar like this.

Hey, Earl.

You told her the amortized value ?

Amor-a-tized...

* When the moon hits your eye *

* Like a big pizza pie, that's... *

* Amor-a-tize... *

You better let me help you
with this one.

You have to excuse him.
He didn't go to junior college.

I like your cologne.

Yeah, I know you do.

The next day, I came back
with a can-do attitude

and a tie Randy
bought back in the '80s.

It took some time,
but I finally made my first sale.

I don't know if I mentioned this,

but the microwave you bought
has a tray that spins around

so your food doesn't
get tired of the view.

Hey, Earl, those pretty desert ladies
with the long boobies are right,

it is easier to carry something
on your head.

Damn it, Randy !

That was the last one in stock !

How freakin' hard is it
to carry a box

without pretending
you're an African lady ?!

Billy was right
about front room guys ;

you are a dickie.

I hated snapping at Randy, but
stress makes you do crazy things.

as Darnell would find out
the next day.

Good morning, baby.

Can I interest you
in a little lovemaking ?

He was shocked, but
he had a bigger shock coming.

Joy was gone.

Well, baby, by now you probably
figured out what I've done.

What Joy had done
was pull off a master plan.

That sex doll she bought was just
a diversion to help her buy some time.

And the reason Joy traded in the Brat

was 'cause she needed a car
with a comfortable trunk.

Hey, drive careful.

Every bump you hit
knocks a point off this baby's IQ.

And prison wasn't the place Joy
was going to be speaking Spanish.

So "snap" is "chasquido"...

"Oh, chasquido."

That'll work.

I know if I told you I was running,

you'd just stop me
because you worry so much.

But I'll send for you and the kids,
just as soon as I can.

I'm just scared, Darnell,
I'm sorry.

Please, don't be mad.

Please, please, please.

I love you.

Go, baby.

Go.

The Sunday shift was almost over and

I was so far away from my sales goal
that I was willing to try anything.

Hi.

I need to buy, um...

Okay, hold on,
I have it written down.

There we are.

Oh, that's not it,
that's the coupon.

Five dollars off.

Hey, docker,
this big spender's all yours.

Just make sure not to count
the coupon in your total.

Here's my list.

We're remodeling our
church's soup kitchen.

I'm going to need three refrigerators,
two stoves and two dishwashers.

I hope this isn't too much.

You're an angel in
a tiny wrinkled package.

Reggie !

This woman just bought
a ton of stuff for her church.

She needs it loaded
in that truck out front.

Most of these
are still out on the semi.

Well, can we get somebody
working on it ?

It's raining.

We don't unload
when it's raining, dickie.

Dickie !

Look, please, guys.

I've only got 30 minutes to complete
this sale, or it doesn't count.

Randy ?

Fine.

Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.

I've never seen a dickie
pull his own stock before.

The kid's got guts.

He could slip and fall.

Well, you're all packed up, ma'am.

Just sign here.

Oh, hi, I switched
my sale over to Rick.

What ?

Turns out...

we go to the same church,
and this sweet young man

promised he'll give half his
commission to the church.

I'll see you at church on Sunday.

I'll see you there...

if it's the church of some
hot chick's crotchless panties,

'cause that's where
I'm going to be on Sunday.

Boom, boom.

Closing time.

Say hi to the other dockers

when you'r back lifting boxes
tomorrow morning.

So you're giving up.

There's no more customers.

I blew it.

So you didn't make
being a salesman your first try.

There are greater tragedies
in the world.

But I wanted to do this.
I wanted to prove to everybody...

Prove what ?

That I was somebody.

Oh, you are so full of crap !

Look at you.

You're six-feet something,
a hundred and something,

and you've got hardly a speck
of sales ability

and you hung in with some of the best

junior college appliance salesmen
Camden has to offer for two days.

In this lifetime,
you don't have to prove nothing

to nobody except yourself.

And after what you've gone through,

if you haven't done that by now,
it ain't going to never happen.

I'm sorry.

I failed.

It's over.

I let you down, Mr. Waadt.

I'm sorry.

Here's my tie...

and my name tag.

I'll wash the shirt
and bring it by tomorrow.

I'd like to buy a refrigerator and
I'd like to buy it from this docker.

It's too late.

The store's closed.

Mr. Waadt said the end
of the day, Sunday.

It's still Sunday.

That's true.

I'd like to buy a dishwasher
and I'd like to buy it from this docker.

I'd like to buy a microwave
from this docker.

I'd like to buy a washer
and dryer for my brother.

Randy, that's my card.

I lost mine.

Sorry I wasn't nicer to you before.

Transcript : Raceman
Synchro : Dingo

So, one by one, my fellow dockers
helped me start my new career,

and I must have been right about

how wanting to get ahead
was a good thing,

because I was feeling pretty good.

Joy, on the other hand,

wasn't having the same luck
with her new Mexican career.

Vamanos !

Oh, chasquido.