My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 20 - Two Balls, Two Strikes - full transcript

Randy, what are you doing ?

Grandpa tied that tie for me,
five years ago.

You know I don't know
how to tie it again.

I'm sorry Earl.

I just wanted to show you
how I'd look like

as a drunk guy at Natey's party.

Nice, Rock The Casbah.

Hurry up, if I'm late for the funeral,
I'm gonna get in trouble.

The last girl to show up

has to give to the departed
his final lapdance.

There was only one man in town



who could make people afraid
of him even from beyond the grave.

And that man was Richard Chubby.

During his lifetime, Richard Chubby
was a powerful businessman.

He owned everything
worth owning in Camden.

Come on down !
And don't forget,

sweat pants are allowed
and truckers shower for free

And Richard Chubby liked more
than just the smell of money.

And when you combine
all that money and all that power,

you get a whole lot of crazy.

Open up.

Vodka.

And, even if he didn't have
a weapon in his hand,

his hand was still a weapon.

It was the scariest, when even Chubby
didn't know what he was doing.



Would you like me
to freshen that drink for you ?

I got the wrong gun !

The was a huge crowd
at Chubby's funeral.

Not cause people loved him but,

cause attendance was mandatory
for all of Chubby employees.

Even worse,

the service's scheduled
during their own paid lunch break.

It's damn shame.

I heard Chubby was just trying
to do a vodka shot,

picked up the wrong gun
and blew his head off.

Poor guy.

Could happen to anybody.

You know we could leave.

It's not like Chubby
is gonna pop out of the coffin

and kill people if they walk out.

The reason we're staying
is because of the new boss.

They say, he's even worse.

Catalina was right.

The new boss was even worse.

Cause, with Big Chubby gone,

there was only one person
to take over the family business.

His son.

Little Chubby.

Transcript: Reivilo,
Cordesh and Raceman

My name is Earl.

Since Big Chubby had died,

his son was the most powerful man
in Camden County.

That made me nervous,

since me and him had history.

Few years ago,
Little Chubby favorite hobby

was messing with people.

- He messed with Randy.
- Hey, Randy.

There is a spot on your shirt.

I'm not looking down.
I'm not falling for that again.

Come on, look at it,
I'll be a lot of laughs.

All right, fine, you win.

He messed with me.

Come on, Earl,
get your ear pierced.

You know,

that way we can be
earring buddies.

Earrings aren't really my thing, L.C.

So what you're saying is you think--

you think earrings look stupid.

No, no, no, no, that's not
what I'm saying. I like earrings.

Yeah, I think
that's what you're saying.

Little Chubby ?!
Little Chubby ?!

What are you doing ?

Let me take a look.

Maybe you're right.
It does look stupid.

I think this ear means you're gay.

Even messed with Crabman.

Hey, that's Fine Young Cannibals.

I'll tell you something.

I do not...

like...

Fine Young Cannibals.

But the reason
he ended up on my list was,

he messed with Joy when she was
pregnant of Earl Junior.

Did I ever tell that I--

always had a fantasy to do it
with a pregnant chick.

It's like having sex
with a fat chick,

except I can't get her pregnant.

Yeah, I wouldn't have sex with you

if I was starving and
your wiener was a ham sandwich.

Ham wiener, classic.

Yeah, while...

you were laughing, I accidentally
cut off your rat tail.

So, I'll tell you what there,
pretty girl.

Why don't we see
if you can drink this,

before I cut off your hair.

Hurry up.

He made me drink Randy's rat tail.

I would've rather drank
a real rat tail.

You need to kill Little Chubby,

slowly.

Are you crazy ?
I'm not messing with that psycho.

Well then, you should have
married a whore

who doesn't mind
being disrespected by men,

instead of a real lady like me.

There was no point arguing with Joy
over Little Chubby, or

that real lady comment.

I wanted to make her happy
without getting myself killed

wich mean I'd have to be
really really clever.

Number 43 on my list.

Racked a rich guy.

The day after the funeral,

I went to talk to little Chubby
to tell him what I had done.

I'd expected him
to do something crazy, but

not this.

Earl.

I want to thank you.

Thruth is,
the day you kicked me was--

that was a turning point in my life.

Little Chubby explained that

what hurt more than a stabbing pain
in his baby makers was

realization that everyone hated him.

And even weeks later,

he couldn't shake the pain.

And so, he just kept walking.

When a rich person is upset,

they can do more than just
take a walk around the block.

They can take a walk anywhere.

What's up aborigines ?

And somewhere along his walk,

he got the idea to be
a nice person in the world.

Do good deeds like feed the hungry.

Alright, you aborigines,
wich one of you had a

Vegemite on wheat ?

The more he talked, the more I realized
we had something in common.

We were both
trying to be better people.

So I didn't want to come back

but somebody had to run
the family business.

I'm not gonna do like my Dad did.

It's gonna be a kinder gentler
Club Chubby for now on.

Got a heated stripper pole for gals.

Screening for Hep C,
free of charge.

And, huh, I finally put a...

put a light bulb in the VIP room.

Can I touch the heated pole ?

Yeah, sure, knock yourself out.

Anyway, Earl, I want to thank you
for making me a better person.

Maybey if somebody kicked my dad
in the nuts years ago, he

would'nt be such a mean guy and

my mom wouldn't hit the highway.

Well, that must have been tough
seeing your mom leave.

No, she didn't leave.

My dad threw her out a moving car.

Still,

it's tough to watch.

Anyways,

thanks a lot.

Just want...
Just want to thank you.

Come here.

It's male intimacy.
It's not just for gays anymore.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I don't think I'm allowed
to take phone numbers.

Since it turned out Little Chubby
was a whole new guy,

we started to hanging out
with him again.

Only this time, he didn't scare
the hell out of us.

I wanted to get you a card,
but they didn't have one that said...

sorry I cut out your rat tail.

Cool.

This is way softer
than my real hair.

He even let us hang out
at the mansion he inherited and

live like they did on silver spoons.

Hey, Joy.

Hey, foetus.

How are you two doing, Joy.

Living large L.C.

Man, is this thing comfortable ?

They should make wheelchairs
out of this stuff.

Then nobody would bitch
about being in one.

I love it here.

Man, I'm rusty.

Who's that ?

Well, just enjoy.

Pretty nice up here, huh ?

Huh, yeah.

I could get used
to living like this again.

Well, I'm just happy I can share
with people, you know ?

Friends.

It was nice seeing a man who used
to be so angry all the time

be so happy.

Hey, I want you to, huh,

grab yourself some fresh food.

And I'm gonna catch a few of Z's.

Still, I wanted to do some'

so I could cross
Little Chubby off my list.

But, I couldn't figure out what
since his life was so perfect.

Then I saw his freakishly
damaged Little Chubbies

and I realized
he had two giant problems.

Hey, Earl, you never gonna...

Oh my God....

Ever since I've seen
his robe fall open,

I couldn't get
Little Chubby crazy looking

gonad pouch off my brain.

And so, he was back on my list.

Yeah,

it's about half big each one was.
Now, show 'em the color.

It was mostly purple like this.

But there was black and blue too.

Then, there where streaks
of a color I can only describe as

roarange.

That's probably why he always
made that sound when he sat down.

I thought it's 'cause
he was just relaxing.

Hey guys, how's it going ?

Hey, man.
Sit down and join us.

Don't mind if I do ?

So, how're you guys doing ?

And for the shape,

I'm really gonna need a hammer.

It looks like I always picturing
Grimace's McNuggets.

I bet that's why
he doesn't have a woman.

Little Chubby, not Grimace.

I'm sure Grimace
pulls chicks left and right.

The injury could have
affected his libido

like when you get a dog neutered

and he doesn't wanna hump
your leg anymore

even if you're wearing corduroy.

That explain why he didn't even look

when I kissed Lacy
on stage the other day.

See, that's the look
I expected to get.

Well, I got to make it up
to him somehow.

I just hope he doesn't need
a transplant, cause,

I don't think we're the same type.

Okay, we don't compare this mango
to a man's nads, cause I wanna eat it.

Nobody had any ideas
about how I could help Chubby.

So I decided
to talk to him man-to-man.

So you guys saw it, huh ?

Well...

Sorry, I--

I hope that wasn't
too traumatic for you.

You know some aborigine tribes actually,

used to pray to them.

So what do you say ?
Almost done here fellows ?

To be honest,
I haven't looked at myself

for months.
It kinda freaks me out.

So one part of it has still--

I just don't even have
the word to describe it, can I-- ?

Browrange ?

- Yeah, that's it.
- I'm afraid so.

You also have

bleen,

yurple,

and gred.

Oh, that's not cool.

So, it's nothing
that doctors can do ?

Oh, I don't know.

I've never been to a doctor.

My dad always used to say--

He said never trust a man, that

wants to put his fingers
in your butt.

Yeah, well, you can't argue
with that logic.

Yeah, but on the other hand,

if dad was so smart, why would he have a giant hole in his head,

where vodka should be.

So, uh...
Let's go see a doc, huh ?

Cheese and crackers...

That's something.

I can see your heart beat.

So, can you fix him ?

Without a transplant, hopefully.

Not that I wouldn't be willing.

No, no transplant,
but I gotta say...

You couldn't have kicked him
in a more perfect spot.

Mister Chubby.

You 've got an obdurate
testicular hematoma.

You know any of those words ?

He took the jingle
out of your bells, son,

you're not making testosterone.

That explains your low sex drive.

And why you rented Memoirs
of a Geisha, the other night..

Man that was the worst
kungfu movie ever.

So as you can see, doc,

we gotta fix this right away.

Since I was the one
who had broken little Chubby,

I thought, I should be there
when he got fixed.

How you doing ?

I'm not gonna lie to you,
Earl, I'm a little scared.

I miss my mom.

When I was a kid,

I was afraid of the dark
and she'd hold my hand.

Hold my hand, would you, Earl ?

Sure.

Thank you.

Then she...

She'd stroke my hair.

There you go.

Then she'd sing to me.

Yeah, she was one hell
of a woman, wasn't she ?

She was an angel, Earl.

An absolute angel, you have no idea.
But, now she's dead.

And this guy is gonna take
about a quart of

liquid out of my sack.

So,

just sing to me, Earl.

I remember she--

she loved Skynyrd.

Fine.

If I leave here tomorrow

Would you still remember me

For I must be trav'ling on now

'Cause there's too many places
I've got to see

So, Little Chubby's doctor

finally put Humptey and Dumptey
back together again.

And me and Randy let our new friend
recover at the motel.

The store is out of ice so

your option is Popsicles or

frozen dinners.

I'd better stick with the Popsicles.
That picture of Mama Mia looks--

a little bit too much like my grandma.

Besides, it would be easyier to work
with popcycles around my stitches.

Oh, no !

Oh, please, no !

Another sneeze ?

Oh, yeah, a big one.

I can barely look.
Did I pop a stitch ?

No, it looks alright.

Have Catalina bring up more towels
and I'll call the doctor.

Luckily nothing fell out
before the doctor could

restitch Little Chubby.

And within a few days,

his cherries didn't just look normal,

they started sending
the proper signals up to his brain.

Holy crap !

Now, I get it. She jumps and all
the female body parts move around.

Amazing.

No wonder we make
a fortune in this place.

I bet everybody here
has working testicles.

Unfortunaly, testosterone

brought back more than just
Little Chubby lust for the ladies.

It brought back his aggression.

Oh my God, I won.

I never win.

You must really suck.

Yeah, congratulations.

Before we knew it,
Chubby was up to his old tricks.

Hey, that's my boat.

How'd you like it
if I went to your house

and used your crock pot...

or whatever it is
you poor people cook with ?

LC !

What was that, limo backfire ?

Hey, those are my Water Wings.

You need to kill Little Chubby.

He shot at the kids and then
he farted in my pool bag.

And I had my lunch in there, Earl.

He threw Mr. Turtle
on the trampoline.

Mr. turtle can't do anything
on the trampoline.

He was scared out of his mind.

I miss my tail.

Well, you're the ones
who said I should help him.

We said you needed to fix him,
not turn him into a damn monster.

And when I left tonight, he was forcing
two truckers to lap dance each other.

It's getting dangerous
down there, I'm quitting.

Oh, hell no, you're not.

If you quit, Little Chubby
will pull my bail bond,

and I ain't trying to go to prison

just because you're afraid
of getting murdered at work.

Earl, you better fix this.

Fine, I'll talk to him.

Were those truckers
good dancers like me,

or did they just phone it in ?

Little Chubby ?

Hey, Earl.

Okay, beat it, broads, come on.

What's shaking ?

Well, uh...

Well, I--

I'm just here 'cause the gang asked me
to come by and say hello and...

Ah, that's funny.
That's The Three Stooges.

Yeah, they're good.

Listen, Little Chubby.

I got to be honest with you.

You're kind of becoming
a mean guy again.

Mean guy ?
I don't understand.

See that ?

Well, kind of like that.

I mean, that's something
your dad would have done.

For God's sake, you've got one
of his guns in your pants,

and nobody knows if it's loaded
with vodka or bullets.

- It's bullets.
- Bullets.

- Sure.
- See ?

Well, you're right, Earl.

What's happened to me ?
I'm becoming...

becoming a jerk.

I treat the girls bad.
I take shots at kids.

I'm gonna have a drink.

You want one ?

Sure.

I got to say,

this is the third time
I've had to come into your club

and have to tell you
something really awkward,

but, hey, every time,
it turns out...

That wasn't the Stooges.

That was The Fall Guy.

Oh, man, that was a weird dream.

I was being hung up
in the back of a...

Oh, my God !

Hey, pally, how they hanging ?

- What are you doing ?
- A little thing called payback.

You may know it as a great
Mel Gibson movie,

but it's also a synonym for revenge.

Are you crazy ?

No, you explode my marble pouch
and I explode yours.

- Let me just adjust this.
- No, no, no, no, no !

What happened to being
a good person ?

What about...

God, it hurts,
but I'm glad it's not my clackers.

Well, that one was a little high.

I'll just adjust it here and...

You're going to be bummed out
about this one, I think.

Please, can we,
can we talk about this ?

You were happy being nice.

You said you didn't want to die
being hated and alone like your dad.

Well, that was back
when my sack was destroyed.

Now I'm all man.

I saved you.

Look, I know there's
a good person in there.

You're not just your dad's son,
you're your mom's son, too.

Look, you're part her,
you are, but

her part is being overwhelmed
by your dad's freaky hormone part.

Look, I understand
what you're saying there, Earl, but

what can I tell you ?

I'm a Chubby : it's my destiny ;
it's in my blood.

I knew he wasn't going to bunt
those balls away from mine forever.

I needed to say something, anything.

* 'Cause I'm as free as a bird now *

* And this bird you cannot change... *

I heard of people singing
for their supper, and

I guess you might say I was singing
for my meat and potatoes, too.

* Lord, I can't change *

Little Chubby, pick up the bat.

Please, pick up the bat.

All I could do was

hold my breath, cringe and

wait to get rapped
by karma's baseball.

And then,

Little Chubby did something
I never thought I'd see a man do.

He stood between me and karma.

He didn't do it to protect me.

He did it to protect himself...
from himself.

And like someone
who can't handle their liquor,

Little Chubby realized he couldn't
handle his testosterone.

- So he went cold turkey.
- Thanks, Earl.

I can't say I completely understood
why Little Chubby did what he did,

but, well, it made sense to him,
and that was good enough for me.

The thing, Earl, is that
in my life I've been

feared and I've been loved,

and I like being loved
a whole lot better.

Little Chubby !

Thank you for everything.

I never had a health plan before.

I have 12 cavities.

So you have no regrets ?

Well, looking back, I probably
would have gone the surgical route,

but you mentioned my mother
and I got carried away.

But the doctors say I should be

walking again
in about a year or so.

It's all good.

As crazy as it all was,

it also kind of
made me realize something.

Sometimes happiness is about
giving up something precious

to get something better.

And it made me wonder :
would I do the same ?

What would I sacrifice to be loved ?

Not my balls.