My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 19 - Harassed a Reporter - full transcript

Randy has several issues
when he sleeps:

he grinds his teeth,
he occasionally punches me in the face,

and he doesn't always breathe.

And although temporarily dying
12 times a night didn't bother Randy,

it sure bothered me.

I'm Nicole Moses with
the "Up Before Dawn" news report.

Looking first to traffic.

There is no traffic...
because nobody's up yet.

But being awake at 4:00 a.m.

must have been karma's way of telling me
to do number 29 on my list,

"Harass the reporter."



It all started back
when I was married to Joy.

Was that the Alcott's meth lab ?

The Alcott's are close,
would have been hit by debris.

It was the Alcott's.

People who are on meth
shouldn't make meth.

It's always the second
batch that blows.

Exploding trailers
were pretty common where we lived,

but this one was special,
'cause a celebrity blew up in it.

Buck West, owner of the
"I Come To You And Clean Your Dog

With My Own Supplies Mobile
Pet Grooming Company" is dead.

Apparently, his love for clean
animals was outweighed

by this love for crystal meth.

Hey, dummy !

You and your stupid brother
are on TV !



The family asks that donations
in the name of Mr. West

be made to the family.

Buck West was a man
who lived his life to the fullest.

Crazy arms !
I got crazy arms !

I can't control 'em !

Oh, snap, I got to record this.

Luckily, Joy had just finished
taping Wheel of Fortune,

so the camcorder was handy.

Stop it.

Also, reported killed in
the explosion were two drifters

a homeless man and a bomb.

Ah ! No berry twisters !

No berry twisters !

And as fun as it was
acting stupid on live TV,

it was even more fun
the next day when we found out

other people were enjoying it, too.

Hey, Earl, you guys were funny !

A lot of folks were upset
about that meth lab blowing up,

but you and your crazy arms
helped them smile again.

Yeah,

that was the best thing on TV
since that overly aggressive

minister climbed into that
gorilla's cage to try to baptize it.

Crazy Arms was sweeping
the Crab Shack, and

me and Randy were the proudest
brothers since Eddie Van Halen

and his drummer brother.

And just like Van Halen,
we were going to keep playing,

until everybody got sick of us.

We're here at the ribbon-cutting
ceremony of Camden's newest drug and

alcohol treatment center,
with local celebrity, TV's Tipstack.

Local ?

Would Pat Sajak have dinner
with a local celebrity ?

This drug and alcohol treatment...

- center...
- Hey !

I'm Nicole Moses.

live, back to you in the studio.

Me and Randy had given
Channel 3 its biggest ratings,

since the chick who spun
the lottery wheel's boob fell out.

Live report.

Here comes los brazos locos.

Zoo officials stressed
the escaped bear is agitated

and extremely dangerous

despite how agreeable bears
are often depicted in cartoons.

Authorities...

Authorities say...

I got him !

Authorities say the bear
most likely escaped overnight

during a training session that...

Silly brazos locos.

And when we ran out of
news events to crash,

we started making up our own.

We are here
at Simatil's trailer park

where a baby
has just been reported missing.

My baby !
My baby is missing.

I don't know what to do.

He is just a baby.

Oh, my God. That's him.

That's my missing baby in the fridge !

Follow me on this.
Follow me !

I'm trying to get to the fridge
to save this sweet baby's life !

Crazy Arms.

Crazy Arms.

You people are not funny !

I am a serious journalist,
and you are just trailer trash !

Trailer trash !

Mayonnaise-loving closet humpers !

And that was the day
we finally pushed Nicole too far.

After that, Nicole's career
went down the tubes.

Randy, wake up.

We got to go to the news station.

I just saw Nicole Moses.

Thank God you woke me.

I just had an eight-hour
dream about a ball of yarn.

It was so boring.

I kept trying to go to sleep,
but I already was.

Later that morning, me and Randy
went down to the TV station.

While I explained
my karma list to Nicole,

Randy looked around for answers
about how TV was made.

He always hoped there was a machine

that shrunk down people
and furniture to TV size.

Well, he didn't see anything
that looked like a ray gun,

but he did find something else
that made him curious.

I want to put you on the news.

Me on the news ?

Yes.

I just need one great,
heartwarming story

and my boss
will give me another shot.

Nick Chavez,

he did this story about
Siamese twins getting a little cart

so the big one could take
the little one to the mall,

and they put him
in the anchor spot.

I remember that story; Kiki and Tiki.
They went to Foot Locker,

but the salesman
wouldn't let them buy three shoes.

It's perfect.
I can see the tagline already.

"From 'hood to good."

We start with one of your mug shots,
then fade to a list item.

Can you give a bath
to a crippled lady ?

I could. It's not on my list,
but they don't scare me or nothing.

No, no, that's okay, that's okay.

We'll get something good
from the list.

Would I have to memorize
lines or anything ?

'Cause words tend to go
right through my head,

unless it's a Polish joke
or a Judas Priest song.

No, no memorization and no jokes.

Just you talking about you.

Well, if you think it'll help.

I guess I'm gonna be on TV.

I was looking forward
to being on the TV news

as an actual invited guest,

and so was Randy.

I can't decide
whether to comb my hair.

I mean, I want to look presentable,
but I want people to recognize me.

You smell good.

Aftershave.

But don't try putting any
on your downstairs, it burns.

Man, being a TV star
is complicated.

Back when we pestered Nicole,
it was easy being on TV, 'cause

I didn't care what people thought.

But now that I did care
what people thought,

being on TV made me nervous.

Okay, well, why don't you
tell us how the list began ?

All right.

I, uh....

I, uh...

No, no, no, no.
Let it go.

Don't touch it.

Sorry.

It all started back when I was...

Okay, cut.

Can we do a wireless mike on him,
please ? Thank you.

If you want to strap
one of them mikes on me,

I got a buttonhole here
that's missing a button.

It got caught when I was riding down
an escalator on my belly.

In fact, it's a pretty good story.

If you want to turn
the cameras over here, I...

Jim, no !

The light's going to be in the shot.

Come on, people,
help me out here.

I don't want to spend
the rest of my career

doing the crop report
with the sock puppet rooster.

Cockadoodle morning, Nicole !

Why don't you tell us about
the situation with the boll weevils ?

Okay, Earl, why don't you just
tell us how you pick a list item ?

And action.

Well, sometimes I just close my eyes
and point to one like this.

Oh, looks like you cost someone
a very important client.

By the way, "client" is with a "C".

He's a diamond in the rough.

I'm sorry.
I have to do that again. Wait.

He's a diamond in the rough.

Print it.

You lost this woman a valuable client
and she works here ?

Well, today she does.

Hey, Earl.

Patty, I need to talk to you
about something on my list.

All right, one sec.

I just got to give this perv
a baby bottle, burp him, spank him,

powder him, change him, rock him
to sleep, and then I'm done here.

Wait, that's the businesswoman ?

Okay, cut, cut.

Oh, my God, Nicole Moses !

People always tell me
that we look exactly the same.

Do people ever tell you
you look like a daytime hooker ?

'Cause if they do, that's me.

We can't do a story
about you helping a hooker !

This has to be heartwarming
and emotional !

I need a Kiki and Tiki.

No, no, wait,

I can do heartwarming.

I got heartwarming on here !

I got a heartwarming story.

Remember that finger
we found in the park ?

We could try and find
who it belongs to.

Randy, just let me think.

Here's one, number 40,
"Wrecked a kid's playhouse."

Dodge and Earl Jr.
loved that playhouse.

Let's sleep in here tonight.

I'm scared.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

Aliens !

See, Randy ?

You thought I couldn't make it
all the way home.

Randy ?

Randy ?

Oh, crap.

Man makes up for ruining
children's dreams.

It's perfect.

The public loves
stories of redemption.

Crap, we only have time
to shoot the intro.

Let's shoot over there.

I think the guy in the car
just paid for another round.

Excuse me, reporter lady.

Am I going to be on
the camera pretty soon ?

'Cause I don't know how long
my cowlick is going to stay down.

What ?

Oh, big fella, no,
you're not gonna be on the camera.

The story's about Earl.

I hope I didn't mislead you.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I didn't think
I was going to be in the show.

I didn't even want to be.

See ?

Hey, dummy, what's wrong ?

The world run out
of macaroni and cheese ?

Seriously, though,
what's your trouble ?

Stupid reporter lady won't let me be
in her story about Earl's list.

That's because it's his list.

Karma hit him with a car, not you.

But I help him cross things off,
plus he couldn't have done

half the bad things on there
if I wasn't with him smashing windows

and giving him a boost and stuff.

Well, there's your problem.

I mean, you're just giving him a boost.

Who wants a story about a man standing
there pushing up on another man's ass ?

If you want to get noticed in this world,
you got to break away from your brother.

You mean I got
to move out of the motel ?

I don't know, Joy.

I don't like paying money for soap.

I guess I could make it myself.

What are the ingredients ?

I mean there's soap,
there's wrapper, there's...

You got to stop
doing whatever he does.

I mean, when he was bad,
you were bad.

When he turned good,
you turned good.

You... you got to be your own man.

Do the opposite.

When Earl zigs, you got to zag.

The opposite of Earl.

I can do that.

I'm going to make a list
of all the good things I've done

and go around screwing those people.

And I'll wear a sombrero
while I'm doing it.

Earl never wears a sombrero.

Scattered showers overnight
have authorities hoping for relief

from the Nathanville tire fire.

What are you doing ?

I'm practicing my American accent
by watching your newslady friend.

The weather today calls
for a high of 62 and a low of 48.

You know, if you could have talked
like that a couple months ago,

you wouldn't have gotten deported.

And, if that doesn't help,

they're asking that people stop
adding tires to the fire.

Crazy Head !

Crazy Head is coming to town,
and behind him is...

Get off my set !

Get him off !

Crazy Head !

What the hell is he doing ?

What the hell happened to his body ?

You guys, help me !

Look at me, I'll peck them.

What's going on with you, Randy ?

I'm wearing a sombrero,
which you would never do.

I'm zagging 'cause you always zig,

and I'm gonna be my own man
starting right...

- ...now.
- Oh, Randy ! God !

That's me zagging.

Usually, I'd be nice like you
and go outside if I had to rip one.

But I'm out of your shadow, Earl.

I'm going to get noticed for being me,
and get my own TV news report,

and then it won't matter that people don't
give me credit for being part of your list,

'cause I'm doing my own thing.

Zag !

See ? You would never do that,
would you, Earl ?

Oh, man !

No, I wouldn't, and I'm pretty sure
the news is never gonna do

a story about a sombrero-wearing
jackass who goes around breaking lamps.

You're wrong.
And when they do that story,

I'm going to make sure
my brother's a part of it

'cause that's something
you wouldn't do.

So that's what this is about ?

I'm sorry, Randy.

I didn't even notice that you were
being left out of the story.

Nobody notices me.

It's just like Joy said.

Karma hit you
with that car, not me.

Randy, you're
a big part of the list.

I know it, you know it,
and when this story airs,

everyone's going to know it,

'cause you're going to be right there
with me building that playhouse.

Really ?

Absolutely.

Let's zig together, buddy.

Tell the truth, Earl.

Was Crazy Head funny on TV ?
Was it funny ?

Yeah, Randy, it was funny.

If it had its own show.
would you watch it ?

Maybe. Depends what time.

Nicole wasn't crazy about
Randy being in the story, but

she knew I was her best chance
of getting back on the evening news,

and she wasn't gonna
get Kiki without Tiki.

I-I learned this in drama camp.

Better butter, butter,
better butter, butter,

better butter, butter,
better butter, butter,

better butter, butter,
better butter, butter,....

Nicole Moses.

I didn't realize you were here.

I was just inside reading my Bible.

Everything I do
is guided by this holy book.

So, if anybody says
that I've done something wrong,

well, then they're saying
the Bible is wrong.

- So
- Hum, hum.

Joy, are you on those
happy pills again ?

No. I'm just trying to look good in case
any potential jurors are watching.

Since you're here, let me introduce you
to my family of many colors.

As you can see,
I have a white son and a black son,

but I don't see race,
so I can't tell which is which.

Over here is my husband Darnell.

He's serving America
in the Witness Protection Program.

No, I'm not !

Oh, that's right, honey.

No, he's not.

And, once Nicole
turned the camera on us,

I made sure the spotlight
landed on Randy.

The best part of doing my list is

that I get to do it
with my brother, Randy.

He's a great guy and he's special.

See ? I made it look like
a Little Rascal wrote it.

Now, if we can just spike up
a few of Dodge's hairs and

teach Earl Junior to say "Otay,"
we'd have a show.

I also made sure that everyone would
know how nice a guy Randy really is.

Look, Randy's helping out
by entertaining the kids.

He always has been good with kids.

I'm a little teapot, short and stout.
Here is my handle, here is my spout.

When he's had a few drinks,
he uses his junk as the spout.

But never in front of the kids.

He's been like a third daddy to them.

I remember when
you were in diapers, and

you'd come into
the living room saying,

"I pooped my pants !
I pooped my pants !"

And me and your old daddy, we'd have to
take you out and set you on the porch

until your mom come home
and change your diaper.

That was fun.

That's on my list.

And, by the time it was over,

I made it look like
Randy was in charge.

What do you think, boss ?

We did it !

He's my brother and I love him.

And cut.

I got to cross the kids
off my list, and

once Nicole said the story was
good enough to make the evening news,

I knew I could cross her off, too.

And, up next, we welcome
back a long-lost friend...

It's on !

Nicole Moses has an uplifting story

about a hooligan
who turned "cool" again. Nicole.

Think she used
the stuff with me in it ?

I hope so.

Camden native Earl Hickey is a man
with a pretty checkered past.

Yeah, I used to be a criminal.

I did bad things.

But then karma made me realize
it was time to do some good things.

He does do good things.

And, as it turns out, the real story
is a story of two brothers.

Did you remember to call mom ?

Don't worry.
I called everybody.

You see, out of all the good things
Earl Hickey does now,

the biggest one is taking care of
his mentally disabled brother, Randy,

a sweet but needy soul
who can't take care of himself.

Better butter, butter,

better butter, butter,

better butter, butter...

While Randy Hickey
may look like a man,

he is little more than a man-child.

What's going on, Earl ?

Randy can entertain himself for hours
with the simplest thing.

I'm a little teapot,
short and stout.

Here is my handle,
here is my spout.

He's special.

That's why Earl Hickey
built his brother a special gift,

a gift that only a man would do
for his man-child brother.

How do you like your playhouse,
Randy ?

We did it !

He's my brother, and I love him.

I pooped my pants !

I pooped my pants !

I'm Nicole Moses with...

Randy, come back !

Poor Randy.

You could edit film to make people
think all kinds of things.

Like the moon landing--

that was all done with puppets
in my uncle's garage.

Randy was embarrassed.

I just hoped that not everyone
had seen the report that day.

Run, Forrest, run !

But they had.

Turned out Randy wasn't
running away from his problem.

He was on his way to confront her.

Why ?

Why did you do that to me ?

Why did you make me look stupid ?

Now I got to go win another Grover
out of the claw machine

to prove to all those people I'm smart,
and that's going to cost, like, $600,

and I don't have $600 !

Look, I'm sorry.

That playhouse story
just wasn't that interesting.

I was up against a deadline.
I had to come up with something.

But you ruined my life !

Let's be honest, Randy.

It's not like NASA was knocking
on your door anyway.

And all I did was
make you look stupid on TV,

just like you did to me

every time I did a newscast,
including yesterday.

Sorry, Randy.

What goes around comes around.

It's karma, right ?

Don't worry, Randy.

I'm going to get Nicole
to reedit the piece

or do a retracteration on the air.

I got noticed.

What ?

Karma noticed me, Earl.

It made me look mentally disabilitated,
even though I'm not.

And if karma noticed me,
that means I must be special,

and I mean the good special,
like you are. Not the slow one.

Congratulations, Randy.

You know what ?

This one's yours to cross off.

I think we should
cross it off together.

I'm Earl, and I'm gonna cross
something off my list.

And then I'm gonna squeeze
my crotch really hard.

Oh ! No berry twisters !

No berry twisters !

What the hell are you...

What the hell are you doing ?

I'm pulling that tooth
that's been hurting you.

You keep moaning in your sleep,
and it's making me have mummy dreams.

Still, generally,

you're supposed to ask a person
before you take out their body parts.

I take off your body parts
all the time while you're sleeping.

I clip your toenails,
scrape your corns down,

Q-Tip your ears, trim your bangs.

Well, it has been hurting me,
and I do hate the dentist.

Soon as I'm back asleep, have at it.

Damn it, Randy !
You pulled the wrong tooth !

Transcript : Raceman
Synchro : Dingo