My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

You know that guy you see
going to the convenience store

when you stop off on that little
town on the way to gramma's house?

Sort of shifty looking fella,

who buys a pack of smoke, a couple lotto
scratchers, and a tall boy at 10 in the morning.

The kind of guy you wait to come
out before you and your family go in.

Well... That guy is me.

My Name is Earl.

And if you took the time to really get to know me

find out what kind of person I truely am instead

of just stereotype me
because of the way I look...

Well... You'd be wasting your time.



'Cause I'm exactly who you think I am.

Hell, I'll pretty much steal
anything that it isn't nailed down.

About 6 years ago, I was out drinking,
when I met this little firecracker.

You got great boobs Peggy.

Her name was not Peggy.

My name is Joy.

You got great boobs Joy.

She kept buying me drinks, and later
that night, she drove us to Vegas.

By the time I sobered up,

we were married.

The next morning, I was recuperating
from being a little... overserved.

Good morning happy.

Hell, when I was drinking I just
thought she had a bit of a belly.

Some people might think getting so drunk,



you accidentally marry a woman that's six months
pregrant, is a good reason to stop drinking.

Personnally, I think it's a
good reason to "keep" drinking.

Joy didn't remember much
about the boy's real father.

Except that he drove a Ford.

So we named him Dodge.

Few years later, we were having our
first child from my own personal seed.

Doctors already told us he
was going to come out a boy,

so we went ahead and named him.

There he was.

Earl Junior.

People ask me how I can stay with a cheap
wife, and two horrible kids I don't mind.

I guess I just believe in
the sanctity of mariage.

Besides, I'm sure just as many people
ask her why she hasn't thrown out

a good-for-nothing husband and his
brother who lives on their couch.

That's Randy.

The best brother anyone could ever ask for.

We usually spend our days hanging
out over at Earny's Crab Shack.

I got you Earl. You're it. You're it!

That's Sonny. We
play beer-can-tag.

No use to running fool. I know
where you mamma parks your house.

That's Darnel. He's always hooking us up

with bowls full of stuff he's not
legally allowed to put in crab cakes.

Thanks Crab Man.

No problem, Earl.

Thank you, Darnel.

Anytime, Joy.

Randy and I loved the free crab meat.

And for some reason, Joy loved coming here too.

And if we were lucky, Wanda would push B7.

No, she didn't!

Wanda, don't tell me you pushed B7.

Anyway, that was our life.

It wasn't glamourous or nothing.
But it was regular enough.

At least, it was regular
enough until 3 weeks ago.

Son of a bitch...

Son of a bitch!

I'm rich! 100,000 dollars!

Sucker...

That was the happiest 10 seconds of my life.

As soon as I was conscious, Randy
went back to look for my scratcher.

But I knew he wouldn't find it.

I would have been more upset,
if I wasn't so doped up.

Hey baby.

Hey there. Sign this next to the
sticky little yellow things, please.

Okidoki.

Earl J. Hickey.

Hey Crab Man.

Hey Earl.

Darnel's parents threw him out
for growing weed in his closet

so he's moving in.
We're thinking about getting married.

But we're married.

Not anymore we're not.

Thank you for the trailer.

Trust me Earl. This going to be
better for everybody involved.

Earl Jr. really should be with his daddy.

Feel better now. Okay...

I've never been much of a complainer,
but lying in traction that night,

knowing that I no longer had a home,

no longer had a wife,

and no longer had a $ 100,000 lottery ticket...

Well I think I might have cried if I wasn't
afraid of Randy waking up and seeing me.

Then it happened.

I was just flipping the channels, and he came on.

Forget about me. I want to know about you.

I want to know about Carson Daly.

Everytime I see you, you got
a beautiful woman on your arm.

You got a talk-show. You
got your own record company.

What's your secret?

Well, if you must know... I'm Satan.

I don't know... Seriously. I
mean... I've been very blessed.

I also believe that what goes around come around.

And that's how I try in live my life.

You do good things, and
good things happen to you.

You do bad things, and
they'll come back to hunt you.

Karma.

Karma!

There it was.

The secret of life coming straight from
Carson Daly's lips to my morphine-laced hears.

When they finally released me from
the hospital, we checked in to a motel.

Didn't take Randy long to
make friends with the help.

It never does.

How long's your break, Catalina?

The manager went to the dog-track.

I'm on my own schedule for the afternoon.

"Do good things, and good things happen to you".

"Do bad things, and it
will come back to hunt you".

That's deep, Earl.

So why don't you stop hogging them Vicodin they gave
you, and we could all chat about that for awhile.

I'm talking about Karma.

Who's Karma?

I don't know... Something
Carson Daly came up with.

He says he does good things in life,
and that's why his life is so great.

Got me thinking. My life sucks,

and I ain't ever done
anything good I can think of.

Who's this Carson Daly?

Is he some sort of spiritual leader? A holy man?

You've never seen TRL? You need to
start putting on some of these TV

when you're cleaning the toilets.

If I want a better life, I
need to be a better person.

What's this?

I made a list of everything bad I've ever done.

-Why?
-Why?!

Randy, I just won a $ 100,000 in the
lottery and was immediately hit by a car.

I almost died because something good
happened to me that I didn't deserve.

That karma stuff is going to kill me unless
I make up for everything on that list.

Number 23...

"Peed in the back of a cop car."

I'm no longer proud of that.

Number 41...

"Snatched a kid's Halloween candy when
he came to my trailer to trick-or-treat."

That was wrong, and I know that now.

Number 102...

"Armed and possibly killed innocent
people with second-hand smoke."

Now, how in the world, are you
going to fix these things Earl?

I don't know. Start with the easy ones.

Like...

Number 64...

"Picked on Kenny James."

I used to torment the helluva out that
poor boy back in elementary school.

So what do you think you're
going do about it now?

I don't know. Find him, do something nice
for him, and then cross him off the list.

Excuse me...

But if my boss comes back,

and sees there's no garbage in the parking
lot he's going to get used to it like that,

so could you please put it back?

No I can't.

Number 136: "I've been a litter bug."

Well here... Cross that one off your stupid list.

I can't cross it off the list. Not until
I've picked up as much as I littered.

My list isn't stupid either.

My roadmap to a better life.

I hope that road has free gaz,

and free food,

and a van big enough for us to sleep,

'cause we just spent out
last 45 dollars on this room

and I'm not cutting-in my beer
money for some stupid-ass crusade.

Son of a bitch.

It's working.

When I went over to the lottery office,

they sure did make a big fuss.

Randy had an idea to get an
extra 100,000 out of the deal.

Thank you Eiseda.

But I knew it wasn't going to work.

Can I borrow a pen?

I wanted to get started on
my list as soon as possible,

so my life would start getting better.

Hell, it was already better.

Our new friend Catalina had
the day off and nothing to do,

so Randy and I had something pretty to look at.

Plus I finally had enough money to buy
something I always wanted for my car.

Which house belongs to this boy you torturred?

That's his parents house, right over there.

We don't know where Kenny lives
now, though. But Randy will find out.

-Wow, wow... That's four!
-I'm still thirsty.

Look. You had four. You can have
another one when you come out.

Go on now.

So why aren't going in?

I get nervous when I lie.

Randy is a pro.

So long as he's got the
right number of beers in him.

Four seems to be the magic number.

Any more, and he starts to get a little bit...

unpredictable.

3 months earlier.

Earl, your brother shaved the damn cat again!

Randy hadn't been inside Kenny's parent's
house since we robbed it in high school.

All we got was a bagpack full of birds.

So, are you visiting all of
Kenny's classmate's parents?

Only the ones we've lost contact with.

You see, as class president, it's
my duty to organize a reunion.

I'll hate for anyone to miss
out on all the fun. You know...

With all that catching-up, and
them little appetizers and all...

Isn't that sweet?

Can I get you a beer, son?

I would love a beer.

Thank you.

Wow, what are you doing?

You don't like me?

No, no, you're nice. It's just...

Randy, when you... you came in to give us towels,

he called dibs.

Dibs.

In case you're wondering how many beers it
takes for Randy to get himself into trouble,

nine seems to be the magic number.

Luckily he got Kenny's address
before he pissed off Mr. James.

I think I have Kenny's
yearbook in here, somewhere.

Dibs.

At first, we had a little
trouble finding Kenny's house.

You see, Randy wrote the address on his hand, and
sweat it off the last digits during his getaway.

But eventually we found it.

There he is.

Kenny James.

Man, I got a weird feeling in my stomach.

Maybe you got stomach cancer.

Can karma cause stomach cancer?

I don't know.

It's probably just guilt.

She was probably right.

I wasn't proud of the way I treated Kenny.

Hey Kenny! I bet you strike out again, you dork!

That's enough Earl.

Just ignore him Kenny and try your best.

You're out!

I watched Kenny for a few days,

and tried to figure out how to make
up for all the abuse I put him through.

Kenny had a good job as an
assistant manager at the Copy Hut.

A powder-blue LaCar he took pride in.

And the nicest house on the block.

But he didn't have anyone to share it with.

He was lonely.

There was something special missing in his
life that every man needs to feel whole.

I got to get him laid.

What?

Kenny! I made feel bad his whole childhood.

If I want to cross him off my
list, I got to make him feel good.

A little pleasure to make up for all that pain.

What kind of woman are you going to get to
have sex with a scrawny little man like that?

Yeah... You need muscle to get laid.

Not with Patty, you don't.

Patty wasn't your
run-of-the-mill prostitute.

She was a daytime hooker.

It takes a special kind of woman to
sell sexual favors in the light of day.

And I was right. Patty doesn't
care if a man has muscles.

Muscles can't buy mad dog.

-Hey Patty.
-Hey boys.

Is this Randy's birthday already?

No we got another job for you.

Hello?

Hey sweety, I'm from Greenpeace.

I need to talk to you about the
sky, the whales and all that crap.

You got anything to drink in here?

Do you have a toothbrush I can borrow?

Mam...

Oh look who's coming...

You're it!

Hey Earl.

Nice one.

Hey, you guys looking to rob one of these houses?

'Cause there is an unlocked
one right down the street.

No thanks.

Alright, look, if it's about the last time,
I promise... I'm not gonna mess up again.

Where did Sonny go?

Sorry Sonny, but I'm out of
the house-robbing business.

And into the pimping business.

I could help out with that too.

I got an uncle, real lonely guy, but he
gets the disability check every Thursday...

Look Sonny, we'll talk about it later.

Alright.

How did it go?

He gave me 10 dollars to help baby monkeys.

How was the sex?

You got anything in the tank, left-over for me?

We didn't do it.

What? Patty, we had a deal.

I did what you said.

I told him I thought he was cute, and I
tried to kiss him, but he wasn't interested.

Damn it, Patty! I'm on a
schedule, here. Come on Randy.

I tried Earl! I did.

God's heaven, I even pulled out my good boob.

You think he's going to remember you?

Yeah, I think he remembers me.

Kenny, calm down.

I have a restraining order
against you, Earl Hickey.

Yeah, but that was written on a brown paper
bag, by the school nurse, 20 years ago.

Besides, I made you eat it, remember?

Yeah... Well... Just take
what you want, and leave.

All I want to do is talk.

Hold on a sec. If you're
giving stuff away, I take this.

Put it down.

It's got a CD player in it.

Put it down!

Listen Kenny...

I'm here to help ya.

I don't need your help.

Buddy, you just gave up a chance to
have free sex with a day-time hooker.

You need my help.

Earl...

Not now Randy!

Shut that drawer.

Kenny, I'm here to help you find a woman...

so that you can be happy.

Earl...

I think you're trying to sell
a cat to a man who fancies dogs.

I know this might sound crazy in this day and age

but we live in a small town,

and I never been face to face with a gay before.

I understand now the running
probably wasn't necessary.

-That's it! Kenny's off the list.
-Good.

Isn't that against the rules?

Look, I made the list.
That means I make the rules.

The guy was gay... Gay.

That's special circumstances.

I don't have to help if there
are special circumstances.

Here you go. Get us a couple of
cheeseburgers from the machine.

Okay... So what's next?

Number 86: "Stole a car from a one-legged girl."

What happened here?

Damn girl! Have you lost your mind?

-Who's the whore?
-What did you just call me?

She's the maid. Relax.

Did you think I wasn't going to find out?

Damn, look at that. My eyes are closed!

I want half that lotto money, Earl.

Yeah? Well I want a legitimate baby and a
wife who didn't have pained on Thanksgiving.

But I guess life is full of little
disappointements, now ain't it?

They only had one "Mel-O" left.
You want the rest of ford?

That's it. Give me the damn phone!

I'm going to get me that money, Earl! I want it!

That's your ex-wife?

Yep... Crazy as she is, I'd be lying
if I say I wasn't going to miss her.

Hey Earl.

Hey Crab Man.

What happened?

Karma...

Karma happened.

And I believed it too.

Think about it. Soon I decided not to help Kenny,

Joy broke into my room,
and beat me up with a phone.

That's when I realized I
have to stick to the plan.

There are no special circumstances.

I may have made the list...

but I do not make the rules.

Karma makes the rules.

The one-legged girl would have to wait.

Kenny had to be first.

Stay away. I bought mace.

I just want to talk, Kenny. Relax.

Kenny...

Hey, Kenny.

How is it feeling now?

Better.

Thanks for pinning me down on the ground,
prying my eyes open with your fingers,

and pouring the milk can.
I think that helped a lot.

Yeah, well... You steal enough purses
you learn a few things about mace.

W h...

Oh... Wow... That's...

Why don't you have a man, Kenny?

What?

If you like...

...men,

why don't you have a man?

That's none of your business.

No it's not. I know that.

And trust me, I don't really want to know.

It's just that... You seem lonely,

and I've got to figure out how I am going
to help you, so I can cross you off my list.

What list?

You're number 64.

And don't let that fool ya, I'm doing you first.

You see... Kenny...

My life sucks.

And that's because I've been a bad person.

I'm hoping if I can do some good things, then...

maybe some good things
might finally happen to me.

You're talking about karma.

You're a Carson Daly fan too, huh!

Yeah, I'm talking about karma.

You're really trying to change?

If I don't, I think life's going to kill me.

I don't have a man because...

nobody knows I'm gay.

You know what this town is like, Earl.

Besides, even if people knew,
where am I going to meet anyone?

What about the city?

Don't they have special bars for the queers?

I'm sorry...

Huh... Homosexual...

Americans?

I tried that once.

I drove an hour and a half just to sit
outfront of my car, too scared to go in.

-You need to move your car.
-Oh I'm straight!

-You can't park here.
-Okay.

I'm... I'm straight.

What if I went with you?

What?

Maybe you won't be scared, if you're not alone.

Earl Hickey is going to take me...

to a gay bar?

I don't have a choice, Kenny.

I didn't want to be the
only non-gay there, so...

Luckily Randy agreed to go as soon as
he heard they were going to be bubbles.

You like that one?

I don't... I don't know. He's cute I guess.

Alright, I'll go talk to him.

Wait, you want to be the man or the woman?

Wait, wai... You're just gonna
go over there and talk to him?

Yeah, he's gay but it ain't going to bite me.

He ain't going to bite, is he?

Maybe I should do this myself.

Kenny, I can't do let you that.

I've got to be the one to help ya
if I want to cross you off my list.

Wait, wait.

You have helped me.

Look, my whole life,

I've been scared to be who I really
am, because of what people might think.

But then Earl Hickey brought me to a gay bar.

Earl Hickey went to "Express
for Men", and bought me a shirt.

Earl Hickey, the one man I was the
most scared of in my whole life,

has accepted me as I am.

Look...

When we were kids, you took
away my confidence, but...

today you give it back.

Thanks Earl.

You can cross me off your list.

There you have it:

"Never underestimate the power of confidence."

It's midnight boys.

That means it's time to take you old school.

Oh no, you didn't. Tell me
he didn't just go old school.

And never underestimate 15 beers,

a little enlightenment,

and the power of "Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock"

Well, one down, 258 to go.

Transcript: Lama
Only For Forom