My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 2 - Quit Smoking - full transcript

YOU KNOW THE KIND OF GUY
WHO DOES NOTHING
BUT BAD THINGS...

AND THEN WONDERS WHY
HIS LIFE SUCKS?

WELL, THAT WAS ME.
EVERY TIME SOMETHIN' GOOD
HAPPENED TO ME,

SOMETHIN' BAD
WAS ALWAYS WAITIN'
AROUND THE CORNER.

KARMA.

THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED
I HAD TO CHANGE.

SO I MADE A LIST
OF EVERYTHING BAD
I'VE EVER DONE,

AND, ONE BY ONE,
I'M GONNA MAKE UP
FOR ALL MY MISTAKES.

I'M JUST TRYIN'
TO BE A BETTER PERSON.

MY NAME IS EARL.

THE TOUGH THING
ABOUT HAVING A LIST...



OF OVER 200 THINGS
YOU'VE DONE WRONG TO PEOPLE...

IS CHOOSING WHICH ONE
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE UP FOR NEXT.

SHOULD I DO NUMBER 73--

ALWAYS TOOK A PENNY,
NEVER LEFT A PENNY?

COUNT THAT UP AND SEE IF I'VE
GOT ANY CHANGE COMING BACK.

[ Earl Narrating ]
OR SHOULD IT BE NUMBER 86--

STOLE A CAR
FROM A ONE-LEGGED GIRL?

YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME!

[ Ricochet ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
OR SHOULD I TACKLE ONE OF
THE MANY THINGS ON THE LIST...

THAT INVOLVE MY EX-WIFE, JOY?

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
SON OF A BITCH WON THE LOTTERY
RIGHT AFTER I DIVORCED HIM.

HALF THAT MONEY
SHOULD BE MINE.

LOOK AT MY BICEP
WHEN I DO THIS.



SEE HOW IT POP OUT
RIGHT THERE ON THE SIDE?

THAT'S NEW.

I'M GONNA GET ME THAT MONEY.

- WHAT'S THIS?
- I GOT YOU SOMETHING
TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR LIST.

IT'S A QUIT SMOKING TAPE.
REMEMBER NUMBER 102--

HARMED AND POSSIBLY KILLED
PEOPLE WITH SECOND-HAND SMOKE.

OH, YEAH. WHERE'D YOU GET IT?
IT'S GOT JELLY ON IT.

I SHOWED CATALINA WHERE
THE GOOD YARD SALES ARE.

I GOT A FOOT MASSAGER
FOR TWO DOLLARS.
ALL IT NEEDS IS A NEW MOTOR.

[ Earl Narrating ]
EVER SINCE THE FIRST TIME
CATALINA CLEANED OUR ROOM,

RANDY'S BEEN MAKING ANY EXCUSE
TO SPEND TIME WITH HER.

HEY, HOW MUCH FOR THIS TAPE
THAT HELPS YOU QUIT SMOKING?

[ Synthesized Voice ]
FORTY CENTS.

- HOW ABOUT 25?
- THIRTY-FIVE.

- THIRTY?
- THIRTY-TWO.

DEAL. HEY, SAY
"LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER."

LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER.

[ Randy ]
SO, YOU GONNA QUIT?

YEAH, YEAH, I AM. I JUST
WANNA FINISH THIS PACK FIRST.
I DON'T WANNA BE WASTEFUL.

NUMBER 49 ON MY LIST--
I'VE BEEN WASTEFUL.

SO WHAT'S NEXT
ON YOUR LIST?

I DON'T KNOW. I HAVEN'T
FIGURED THAT OUT YET.
CAN I PICK ONE?

YEAH. WHY NOT?
I GOTTA DO 'EM ALL ANYWAY.

HOW ABOUT--
[ Vocalizing ] 112--

"LET DONNY JONES SERVE JAIL
TIME FOR A CRIME I COMMITTED?"

OH, MAN.
DONNY JONES.

[ Earl Narrating ]
A FEW YEARS AGO,
I ROBBED A DOUGHNUT SHOP.

TO BE HONEST,
I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN OUT,

BECAUSE I HAD A PRETTY BAD COLD,
AND I COULD'VE SPREAD IT AROUND.

[ Sneezes ]
UH-OH.

FORTUNATELY FOR ME, THE SECURITY
CAMERA COULDN'T SEE MY FACE,

AND I HAD STOLEN THIS SHIRT
FROM A FRIEND NAMED DONNY JONES.

UNFORTUNATELY FOR DONNY,
HE HAD A CHECKERED PAST...

AND NO ALIBI
FOR THE NIGHT OF THE ROBBERY.

NUMBER FOUR, STEP FORWARD.

[ Earl Narrating ]
AND MOST UNFORTUNATE FOR DONNY,
HE HAD ALSO CAUGHT MY COLD.

THAT'S HIM.
NUMBER FOUR.

WHAT?

A JURY FOUND DONNY GUILTY, AND
HE SERVED TWO YEARS IN PRISON.

I'M NOT DOING DONNY JONES.

WHY NOT?
I JUST DON'T WANT TO.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE HE LIVES.

THEY GOT BIG YELLOW BOOKS
TO FIND THAT STUFF OUT, EARL.

I'LL QUIT SMOKING, ALL RIGHT?
I'LL DO THAT ONE.

LOOK, I QUIT SMOKING.
YOU'RE SCARED OF DONNY JONES.

- I'M NOT SCARED OF DONNY JONES.
- WHY ARE YOU SCARED
OF DONNY JONES?

I'M NOT SCARED
OF DONNY JONES.

[ Earl Narrating ]
THAT WAS A LIE.

THERE AREN'T A LOT OF PEOPLE
ON THIS EARTH THAT
I'M AFRAID OF, BUT DONNY--

WELL--

OH, IT IS ON.

[ Earl Narrating ]
DONNY IS CRAZY.

[ Grunts ]

[ Pounding Continues ]

LOOK, I'D LOVE
TO TAKE CARE OF DONNY,

BUT I CAN ONLY DO
ONE THING AT A TIME.

I'M GONNA FOCUS
ON QUITTIN' SMOKING.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I WAS GONNA FOCUS
ON QUITTIN' SMOKING,

BUT IT TURNS OUT
QUITTIN' SMOKING IS STRESSFUL.

AND WHEN I STRESSED OUT,
I SMOKE.
HEY, EARL.

HEY, HOW'S IT GOIN'?

- WE FOUND DONNY JONES.
- WHAT? WHY?

IT WAS CATALINA'S IDEA.
SHE SAID YOU NEEDED A PUSH.

WHEN SOMEONE'S SCARED,
THEY NEED A FRIEND TO PUSH THEM
TO OVERCOME THAT FEAR.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, LIKE THROWING
SOMEBODY IN THE OCEAN
WHO'S AFRAID TO SWIM...

OR PUTTIN' A SNAKE
IN A YOUNG GIRL'S BED.

I DON'T NEED A PUSH.
I'M NOT SCARED, ALL RIGHT?

I'M OCCUPIED.
I'M BUSY QUITTIN' SMOKING.

WE'RE JUST TRYING TO HELP.

[ Men Chattering, Burping ]

THAT WAS THERE
WHEN I GOT HERE.

QUITTIN' IS HARD, RANDY.
I DIDN'T SMOKE FOR A WHOLE HOUR,
AND I STARTED TO SHAKE.

MY SYSTEM'S USED TO RUNNIN'
ON MORE TAR.

[ Sighs ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
I KNEW CIGARETTES COULD KILL ME,
BUT SO COULD DONNY JONES.

BESIDES, AS FAR AS ME LIVIN'
A LONG LIFE WAS CONCERNED,

I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE WORRIED
ABOUT MY EX-WIFE.

OH, SNAP.

DARNELL, RUN DOWN
TO THE VIDEO HUT
AND RENT ME A VCR!

[ Woman ]
OH, MY GOD!
AUNT MILLIE'S WALKING!

LOOK! AUNT MILLIE'S WALKING!
IT'S A MIRACLE!

[ Joy On Video ]
NEXT TIME YOU STEAL A CAMERA,

HAVE THE COMMON SENSE
TO STEAL THE DIRECTIONS.

I THINK I GOT IT ON.
OH.

[ Joy On Video ]
I LOVE YOU, EARL, AND I LOVE
ALL THIS STUFF YOU STOLE.

[ Earl On Video ]
I LOVE THAT YOU LOVE ME
AND LOVE ALL THIS STUFF I STOLE.

I WANT TO DOCUMENT THIS.

IF I EVER DIE,
I WANT THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE
TO HAVE EVERYTHING I OWN.

EVERYTHING.

OH, BABY, THAT'S SO SWEET.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THAT?

REWIND IT. I WANNA SEE
THAT OLD LADY WALK AGAIN.

[ Earl Narrating ]
JOY KNEW THAT VIDEO
WAS THE ONLY THING...

CLOSE TO A WILL THAT I HAVE.

NORMALLY SHE'S NOT THAT VIOLENT,
BUT MONEY MAKES PEOPLE CRAZY.

I'LL TAKE THIS.

THERE'S A THREE-DAY
WAITING PERIOD FOR GUNS.

LAND OF THE FREE, MY ASS.

FINE. WHAT CAN I
WALK OUTTA HERE WITH TODAY
THAT'LL KILL SOMEBODY?

ANYTHING IN AISLE FOUR.
OH, THANK YOU.

[ Earl Narrating ]
RANDY TOOK CATALINA
TO ANOTHER YARD SALE...

TO LOOK FOR A MOTOR
FOR HER FOOT MASSAGER,

SO I HAD SOME TIME
TO FOCUS ON QUITTIN' SMOKING.

[ Man On Tape ]
I AM NOT A SMOKER.

I AM NOT A SMOKER.

SMOKING IS BAD.

SMOKIN' IS BAD.

I DON'T WANT TO DIE.

I DON'T WANNA DIE.

DAMN IT.

- YOU, AND YOU ALONE,
ARE IN CONTROL...
- [ Horn Honks ]

OF YOUR DESTINY.

SHOOT.

HEY, I WAS JUST LISTENING
TO YOUR TAPE. GOOD STUFF.

WE GOT SOME KRAZY STRAWS
AT THE YARD SALE.

WANNA GO GET
SOME SLUSH PUPPIES?
YEAH, WHY NOT?

NICE, SUGARY DRINK MIGHT
GET MY MIND OFF CIGARETTES.

MAN, I HOPE THESE STRAWS
DON'T HAVE THE FLU IN THEM.

[ Burps ]
OH, HEY, WHOA.
WHERE'D THAT COME FROM?

I HAVEN'T SMOKED ALL DAY.

WHY ARE WE STOPPIN'?
I THINK WE GOT
A FLAT IN THE BACK.

YEAH, I HEARD IT TOO.

DAMN IT. I JUST GOT
THOSE TIRES FIVE YEARS AGO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

- THAT'S DONNY'S HOUSE.
- WHAT?

IT'S DONNY'S HOUSE.
FACE YOUR FEARS.

[ Horn Honking ]

THIS ISN'T FUNNY.
OPEN THE DOOR, RANDY.

IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, EARL.
THIS IS YOUR SNAKE IN THE BED.

I DON'T WANT
A SNAKE IN MY BED.

YOU CAN'T FINISH YOUR LIST
IF YOU'RE SCARED.

WE'RE DOING THIS
BECAUSE YOU'RE OUR FRIEND.

- DONNY!
- STOP IT! LET ME IN!

[ Horn Honks ]

- [ Horn Honks ]
- RANDY, OPEN THE DOOR.

EARL? EARL HICKEY?

DONNY JONES!
HEY, BUDDY.

[ Laughs ]
WE SHOULD, UH,
CATCH UP SOMETIME.

YOU KNOW,
WHEN I DON'T HAVE TO--

[ Tires Screeching ]

OR NOW.

[ Earl Narrating ]
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD
THE EXPRESSION "CRAZY EYES"?

WELL, DONNY HAD 'EM.
EARL HICKEY.

DONNY JONES.
YOU LOOK GOOD.

YOU LOOK GOOD.
LOOK REAL GOOD.

WHAT ARE THOSE,
NEW PANTS?

NO. I HAD 'EM A WHILE.

MMM, THEY STILL LOOK NEW.
NICE CREASE.

I SHOULD, UH-- I SHOULD
GET ME A PAIR OF THOSE.

HARD TO FIND GOOD PANTS.
[ Chuckles ]

SO, YOUR BROTHER AND THAT LITTLE
MEXICAN LADY TOLD ME YOU WANTED
TO TALK TO ME ABOUT SOME LIST.

DID THEY NOW?
ALL RIGHT. GOOD.

YEAH, THEY CAN BE
VERY HELPFUL.

[ Sighs ]
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S
THE DEAL, DONNY.

I'M ON, UH,
KIND OF A MISSION.

WOW, THESE ARE LONG...
AND SHARP, HUH?

THEY'RE MY MOM'S.
SHE LIKES TO KNIT.

GOOD FOR YOU, SWEETHEART.
NICE TO HAVE A HOBBY.

ANYWAY, UH, DONNY,

UM, I'VE RECENTLY
DISCOVERED KARMA,

AND I'VE WRITTEN A LIST
OF ALL THE BAD THINGS
I'VE DONE IN MY LIFE,

AND I'M TRYING
TO MAKE UP FOR 'EM.

I THINK I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE GETTIN' AT, EARL.

YOU DO?
YEP.

YOU HAD AN AWAKENING.
SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME
IN THE JOINT...

WHEN I FOUND JESUS.

- WOW.
- NICE, HUH?

I ALSO GOT MOSES PARTIN'
THE RED SEA ON MY BOTTOM.
YOU WANNA SEE THAT?

- NO, NO. M-MAYBE LATER.
- OKAY.

SO, ANYWAY, ABOUT A MONTH
INTO MY SENTENCE,

I STARTED READIN' THE BIBLE,
AND IT REALLY KEPT ME
OUT OF TROUBLE.

[ Alarms Blaring ]
[ Men Shouting ]

HEY, HEY, WE'RE GONNA
GANG-STOMP THE GUARD
IN THE CAFETERIA. YOU IN?

SORRY. I'M BUSY STOMPIN'
THE DEVIL OUT OF MY HEART.

BUT THANKS
FOR THINKING OF ME.

EVER SINCE I FOUND THE LORD,
I REALLY TURNED MY LIFE AROUND.

PRISON TURNED OUT TO BE
A BLESSING IN DISGUISE.

SO... YOU'RE NOT MAD
THAT YOU WERE MISTAKENLY
INCARCERATED...

FOR A CRIME SOME...
UNKNOWN PERSON COMMITTED?

I DIDN'T ROB THAT STORE, EARL,
BUT WE BOTH KNOW I WAS A SINNER.

BESIDES, AS THE GOOD BOOK SAYS,

FORGIVENESS IS THE WAY
TO SALVATION.

[ Grunts ]
[ Cushion Deflating ]

WOW. THAT'S A BIG BIBLE.

IT'S MY MOM'S.
LARGE PRINT.

- AH.
- SHE REFUSES TO WEAR
HER READIN' GLASSES.

[ Whispering ]
SHE THINKS THEY
MAKE HER LOOK OLD.

"DO NOT DRINK WINE WHEN...

"THOU GOEST INTO THE TABER--

NACLE OF THE LORD."

SO, YOU'RE ALL CHURCHED UP
THEN, HUH? GOOD FOR YOU.

GIVIN' UP ALL THAT
HURTIN' PEOPLE.

I TURN THE OTHER CHEEK NOW.
AND YOU GOT A TATTOO
OF THE RED SEA TO PROVE IT.

- WANNA SEE IT NOW?
- OOH, NOT--

I'M STILL
GONNA PASS ON THAT.

BUT I DO NEED
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

UH, SOMETHING I DID TO YOU
THAT'S ON MY LIST.

SOMETHING THAT TURNED OUT
TO BE GOOD FOR YOU
BUT, ALL THE SAME,

SOMETHING THAT WAS WRONG.

I WAS THE ONE THAT, UH,
ROBBED THAT DOUGHNUT STORE.

- WHAT?
- IT WAS ME, DONNY.

I WAS WEARING A-- A SHIRT
THAT I STOLE FROM YOU.

I-- I'M THE REASON
YOU WENT TO PRISON.

[ Hits Table ]

THEN FOUND THE LORD.

WENT TO PRISON
AND FOUND THE LORD.

[ Earl Narrating ]
EVEN THOUGH DONNY HAD CHANGED,
I WAS STILL SCARED,

'CAUSE NO MATTER
WHO HE WAS NOW--

[ Laughing ]
I GOT YOUR GUN.

I GOT YOUR GUN, DUMMY.
I GOT YOUR GUN.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
[ Laughing Continues ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
DONNY USED TO BE CRAZY.

[ Whispering ]
WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

[ Whispering ]
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

OKAY.

- I FORGIVE YOU.
- REALLY?

LIKE I SAID BEFORE, EARL,
PRISON CHANGED MY LIFE.

I MEAN, EVEN IF YOU HADN'T
HAVE DONE WHAT YOU DID,

I PROBABLY WOULD'VE
ENDED UP THERE ANYWAY.

CROSS ME OFF YOUR LIST.

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.

I WILL.
THANKS, DONNY.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I GOTTA GO HELP A PRAYER BUDDY
IN THE GARAGE.

WHEN HE SHOWED UP, I THOUGHT
HE WAS SPEAKING IN TONGUES, BUT
HE'S JUST BACK ON THE STUFF.

HEY, DON'T WORRY.
I'LL LET MYSELF OUT.

[ Earl Narrating ]
AND THERE IT WAS--

THANKS TO RANDY
AND CATALINA'S PUSH,

I FACED MY FEARS,
AND EVERYTHING TURNED OUT FINE.

OW! WHAT THE HELL?

YOU PUT MY BABY IN PRISON
FOR TWO YEARS!

TAKE IT EASY!
HE FORGAVE ME!

WELL, MAYBE HE FORGAVE YOU,
BUT I DON'T!

[ Screams ]
HELP! HELP!

YOU TOOK MY BABY AWAY!
I'LL NEVER GET THOSE YEARS BACK!
I SHOULD BE ON YOUR STUPID LIST!

[ Screams ]
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. OKAY.
I'LL PUT YOU ON.

TOOK DONNY AWAY FROM HIS MOTHER
FOR TWO YEARS.

ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE ON IT.
NOW WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO
TO GET YOU OFF IT?

- GET ME THE TWO YEARS BACK.
- YOU KNOW I CAN'T DO THAT.

AW, I GUESS YOU'RE SCREWED.

[ Grunts, Groans ]

[ Muffled Shouting ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
I KNOW THIS LOOKS BAD, BUT
SHE REFUSED TO COME ON HER OWN.

TRUST ME.
I HAVE A PLAN.
HI, EARL.

HEY, CRAB MAN.
[ Shouting ]

- JOY WANTED ME TO BRING YOU
THESE POISON COOKIES.
- HUH?

[ Earl Narrating ]
DARNELL FILLED ME IN
ON THE VIDEO WILL...

AND JOY'S INTENT TO KILL ME.

I WASN'T GONNA GET INVOLVED,
BUT NOW SHE GOT ME
DELIVERIN' POISON,

IT JUST DON'T SEEM RIGHT.

- THANKS, CRAB MAN.
- NO PROBLEM, EARL.

[ Muffled Shouting ]

LET ME OUT OF HERE
RIGHT NOW!

YOU LET ME OUT OF HERE!

EARL, HOW COME YOU'RE TAPING
DONNY'S MOM TO A CHAIR?

- OOH, COOKIES.
- RANDY, THOSE ARE POISONED.

OH, OKAY.

I'M TAPING HER TO THE CHAIR
BECAUSE SHE'S GONNA QUIT SMOKING
BEFORE IT KILLS HER.

- NOW, STOP KICKING.
- SOMETHING ABOUT THIS
FEELS WRONG.

NO, IT'S FINE.
I'M GIVING HER A PUSH,

JUST LIKE YOU GUYS
GAVE ME A PUSH.

[ Horn Honking ]
I HAVE TO DO THIS.
YOU'RE ON MY LIST NOW.

I TOOK YOUR SON
AWAY FROM YOU FOR TWO YEARS,

AND THE ONLY WAY I CAN
GIVE YOU BACK THAT TIME...

IS TO GIVE YOU
TWO MORE YEARS ON THIS EARTH.

RANDY--
THOSE ARE POISON!

- HOW POISON?
- PUT IT DOWN!

LOOK, I KNOW
IT'S NOT GONNA BE EASY,

BUT YOU'RE NOT
GONNA DO IT ALONE.

I'M GONNA QUIT WITH YOU.

I KNOW YOU'RE SCARED
TO GIVE UP THE SMOKES.

SO AM I. WE'RE GONNA
GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER.

THIS IS THE SWEETEST,
MOST JUSTIFIED KIDNAPPING
I'VE EVER SEEN.

- HOW MANY HAVE YOU SEEN?
- FIVE OR SO.

I'M GONNA TAKE THE GAG
OUT OF YOUR MOUTH NOW, OKAY?

SO PLEASE DON'T HOLLER.
[ Mutters ]

HEL--
[ Coughing ]

HEL--
[ Coughing ]

[ Coughing Continues ]

HELP!

HEL--

[ Gasping ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
TURNS OUT I DIDN'T NEED THE GAG.

FORTY YEARS OF SMOKING HAD TAKEN
AWAY HER ABILITY TO SCREAM.

ALL RIGHT, FINE.
I'LL QUIT.

THAT'S MY GIRL.

[ Earl Narrating ]
QUITTIN' SMOKING
IS A LOT LIKE PRISON.

IF YOU CAN GET
THROUGH THE FIRST THREE DAYS,
YOU'VE GOT A FIGHTING CHANCE.

FIRST WE TRIED THE TAPES.

[ Man On Tape ]
I DON'T WANT TO DIE.

I DON'T WANT TO DIE.
I DON'T WANT TO DIE.

[ Earl Narrating ]
THEN WE TRIED THE PATCHES.

SOMEONE TOLD US TO TRY
CARROT STICKS AS A SUBSTITUTE,

BUT WE COULDN'T GET
THE DAMN THINGS TO LIGHT.

AFTER SOME LAUGHTER, SOME TEARS
AND A LOT OF BURNT CARROTS,

TOGETHER WE BATTLED
OUR ADDICTION, AND WE WON.

AND EVEN THOUGH WE STARTED OUT
AS STRANGERS, BY THE END,

I FELT LIKE I KNEW DONNY'S MOM
AS WELL AS I KNEW MY OWN.

THANK YOU, EARL.
THANK YOU...
DONNY'S MOM.

[ Earl Narrating ]
IT WAS HARD,
BUT IT WAS WORTH IT.

WE GAVE EACH OTHER LIFE.

SHE'S GONNA GET THOSE
EXTRA YEARS WITH HER SON
THAT SHE WANTED,

AND I JUST MIGHT GET
A FEW EXTRA YEARS MYSELF.

IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE WE GOT ALL
THAT IN JUST THREE LITTLE DAYS.

UNFORTUNATELY,
THERE ARE OTHER THINGS
A PERSON CAN GET IN THREE DAYS.

I WROTE UP A NEW WILL, JOY.
YOU CAN KILL ME, BUT
THERE AIN'T NO MONEY IN IT.

[ Sighs ]