My Mad Fat Diary (2013–2015): Season 2, Episode 2 - Radar - full transcript

- I'm happy.

- Yeah.

- You don't have to kiss me because you feel sorry for me.

- I'm kissing you because I want to.

- He's delicious. Too delicious.

- College starts very soon,

do you really want to be the only girl

to turn up with you V-plates intact?

- Is everything ok?

- I've just got a massive headache.

- We're fresh meat babe.



- It's like we're all sitting in a restaurant,

waiting for a delivery, and we're the food.

I'm a mess.

Every week, same old bullshit.

- Come on! Ten to the bloody nine!

- All right!

- I'll be late for bloody work.

How'd your first week go?

- All right.

- English isn't bad.

- The teacher's called Mr Hodgson.

- He swears a little bit, you know,

to try and make himself look cool.

- Performance arts is fine.



- We play this game

where you have to say

"She stood upon the balcony,

inimitably mimicking him hiccuping

and amicably welcoming him in."

- You have to say it as fast as you can.

- I have to sit next to this kid

called Andrew Johnson,

who smells intensely of garlic.

- You know he told me that he has

a garlic baguette for supper every night.

- Do I look different?

- What do you mean?

- I'm all sweating.

- Did I tell you I'm going

for the change?

- You had mentioned it, yeah.

- Bloody, I love this song.

- Oh, come on.

- Mom!

You can't cry to the Spice Girls!

- Not exactly Girl Power is it?

- Hey, d'you reckon they'd let you and me try in?

- Oh yeah, and who would I be?

- Underactive thyroid Spice?

- I could be menopause Spice.

Sometimes,
when you're telling a lie,

the more detail you go into,

the more even you start to believe
\n that it might be true.

The bit about the swearing English
teacher?

He's based on my uncle Mark,

who thinks

dropping the F-word into every sentence

makes him seem cool

The bit about the performance arts game?

Well it was a tongue twister

I got last Christmas in a cracker.

And the bit about the kid

who eats garlic bread all the time?

That's autobiographical.

The truth is, that I've not been to college

since I set the alarm off.

Missed the whole first week.

The truth is, I'm becoming so good

at talking bollocks

that I'm thinking

of going professional.

- What about Bullshit Spice?

Subtitles by: Lizbeth on addict7ed

Episode 2: Radar.

- So, how did you figure out

I wasn't going?

- When a parent asks a child

how school was and they give more

than a one-word answer, suspicious.

- And just the way you were.

- My instincts told me

something wasn't quite right.

- Plus they rang me,

told me you have'nt been coming in.

- I told you last week,

I was having a cigarette.

- Where?

- I didn't set the alarm off.

- You were ween by the fire door.

- What can I tell you?

- I know it was you who did it,

and when I get proof...

- Why would I set the alarm off?

- ... and when I get proof, you're in for it.

- I'm not messing about this time.

- Liam, honestly?

- Mrs Earl?

Time to face the music

- So, Rae, what's going on?

- Why have you been skipping classes?

- Something happened?

- No. Nothing happened

- Do you remember about those
conversations we had,

when you were thinking

about applying?

- You said you thought you were ready

for the stresses of college life.

- When someone asks you a question

you give a response.

- 'Called conversation, Rae.

- Yeah, I remember.

- Well maybe this is a sign

that you're not ready.

- There's an argument to be made

for deferring a year.

- No, please, please don't make me do that,

I don't want that.

That way, you can come back

when you're a bit stronger.

- No, please, it's not what I want.

- Well, why don't you tell me

what you do want?

- I want to be treated
the same as everyone else.

- Okay, then I'm giving you

a formal warning.

If you break the rules again,

I you misbehave, skip classes,

then we are gonna have to talk seriously

about you deferring.

- Understood?

- Yes.

- And she's sorry, aren't you Rae?

- Yeah.

As Uncle Mark might say,

" I'm fuck fucking sorry?

Fuck the fuck off!"

- There she is.

Where the fuck have you been?

We've been worried about you.

- I thought I was supposed to be

your stereotyped gay best friend.

- Sorry, Chuck.

- Why do you come here, Archie?

- Need the grades to get into Dunham.

- Why do you wanna come here?

- I don't know.

- Wait.

- Are you wearing a rugby top?

- Yeah.

- When did you start smoking?

- Archie! What is going on with you?

- Come on.

- Take a walk with me.

- Surviving in college is all about...

blending in into the background.

- If anyone knows anything

about staying under the radar,

it's uncle Archie.

- You know it's really creepy

when you say that, don't you?

- Noted

- Arch

- Easy Macca.

-Got light?

- Yeah.

- Did you see what Maggie Tolson

was wearing today?

- Well, you could choke a dozen camels

- I wish I was a dozen camels.

- Nice one yeah?

- Nice one mate.

- Look at me.

- There's only one rule, understand?

- Yeah.

- Stay under the radar.

- Wow. What have you ????

On the first day, do you remember

that dress I was wearing?

- And I saw that other girl wearing it?

- Well the other day, I saw two girls

in the same dress.

- And one with nearly

the exact same shoes on.

- I'm not taking chances anymore.

- I hate this place,

it's like I'm invisible.

- Oh my god, this is

Stacey Stringfellow's gang.

- Who's Stacey Stringfellow?

- Rae, if you're in with them,
then you're in.

- In where?

- In with the boys.

- Which boys?

- The fit boys.

- I've got a boyfriend

- Well I haven't.
Hi Stacey!

- Oh my god, she just
completely blanked me.

- I can't eve, process this.

- He's been looking for you, you know.

College wasn't the only thing

I'd been avoiding

Because od what happened at the caravan

I'd stayed away from him.

I didn't wanna be the girl
who couldn't get undressed

in front of her boyfriend.

I really missed him, and smelling

his jacket was no substitute
whatsoever.

- Finn rang again

- What did you say?

- Well, I didn't know what to say,

so I told him you had

glandular fever.

- What?

- Well, last time when I said

you'd gone to France, you got
a riot cob (?) on.

- That is the most stupid thing...

- Yeah, well

maybe we're not all as good

at lying as you are, Rae.

- Just stop avoiding him!

- I'm not avoiding him.

- You've got through your first full day
at college, okay,

and I'm proud of you.

- You're not gonna cry, are you?

- You just...

- You can't spend your life

running away form stuff.

- There's a history of that
in this family.

My mom was right

about once every three years

But I had a feeling

this was one of those times.

- I was starting to think

you'd left the country.

- Or at least Lincolnshire.

- I thought about it.

- Not... Not that I've missed you

or anything.

- No?

- Okay, I might have thought about you once.

- All right, twice.

- I was gonna come now, actually, but

your mom said something about...

- Listen...

- I was just a bit,

out of it.

- And I didn't wanna tell you,

because I didn't wanna drag you into it.

- I don't mind that you've got stuff

- Everyone's got stuff, really.

- But...

- All right, lovebirds!

- Where have you been, Raemundo?

- I've been ready to send a sexy
search party for you.

Yes Chop, a Foster's mate, a nice one.

- But...?

I'd forgotten

I'd forgotten that there's
something in his lips

And no matter how crap my life was,

No matter how much
I didn't fit in at college,

No matter what,

When I had his lips,
I had his kiss,

and so long as I had that,

I knew everything would be okay.

- My dad is at a conference all week,
right?

- So I was thinking, about having

an exclusive sleepover tomorrow night

- How exclusive?

- Well, I was only gonna invite
one person.

- Fancy it?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

- Yeah!

Day two of college.

if I could get through the day,

I had Finn waiting for me
that night.

But, staying under the radar
isn't easy

when you're six foot tall

and weigh 16 stone

I had to be...

bland

- This is important

- That is Simmy.

- He's got this almost magical ability

to invent a nickname for someone.

- One that sticks for the rest
of that person't life.

- This kid here,
he was in Simmy's high school.

In swimming class he got an
unfortunate crease in his trunks.

- Simmy called him "Aquabone".
It stuck.

- It was five years ago.

- Even his dad calls him it.

- This gal here

- Simmy decided she got a big chin.

- She lost a shoe at the year's disco...

"Chinderella".

- That's...

- That's actually quite clever.

- He's an evil genius.

- So trust me, do not do anythin

extraordinary around him.

Don't look!

Why are you looking?

Oh bollocks, here he comes

Look away. Look away!

Look. away!

- Easy, Arch!

- Hi Simmy!

- Hey, did you see this

Graham Tipping's glasses mate?

- Looks like Elton John.

- I doubt Elton John

sleeps on plastic sheets

in case he pisses the bed, eh mate?

- Yeah !

- Look who it is!

- All right, unicorn balls?

- Unicorn balls,
where are you going man?

- So I thought I'd take this time
to talk about

the power of positive thinking.

- It's about seeing
the good side of things.

- It's about filling your life
with things that make you happy.

- Sorry, sorry.

- Put up a chair, Liam.

- I was just about to ask the group
if they could think of things

that make them happy.

- Oh! I'll go first.

- Okay.

- Every day I go to Sixth Form college

It's shit.

- It's like being a social experiment,

where they keep a load of people
in the same building

and the only thing they all have in common
is their age.

- And because of this, it's populated by

people trying to fit in.

- The teachers push an ideal of us.

- "To excell here or be a failure in life,

learn this 15th century poem

and hypothesize on the significance
of the French revolution,

or... Be worthless in society."

- I feel hatred towards the whole thing.

- And when I feel that hatred,

I feel happy.

- 'Cause I realize it, that's not me.

- They're not me, and they never will be.

- It make me fucking delirious!

- Il like it on Wednesdays,
when the cantine serves

the dessert with jelly and custard.

- Oh, yes!

- That trayful thing.

- Oh yeah.

- Hi yeh

- All right?

- I liked your speech.

- I like college as well.

- Like, I just wanted to say...
about the other day,

when I set the alarm off,

it was an accident.

- I didn't see anything.

- You're not gonna say anything are you?

- It's just,
I'm on a warning at college...

- I didn't see anything.

That's Finn Nelson.

- Yeah?

- He is the fittest lad in college.

- I'd honestly let him
do anything to me.

- You'd let anyone do anything to you.

- Fuck off!

- The best part is that he's single.

- He's not single.

- What? Who is he going out with?

- Some lucky bitch.

- It doesn't matter anyway,

he wouldn't even talk to girls like us.

This si impossible

How am I supposed to stay
under the radar

when everyone at college knows
who Finn is?

He's the fittest lad in college.

And I'm... I'm...

- Chloe...

- How weird is it, that I'm
going out with Finn?

- You know...

- No, be honest.

- Right, okay.
Out of ten,

how attractive would you say you were?

- One

- Don't be stupid!

- You're reasonably a four.

- Thanks!

- No I mean...

- I mean like a four at worst.

- You know, when you're hungover

and you ??? and stuff

- Right.

- Fine, Rate Finn out of ten.

- Eleven.

- Exactly.
That isn't even possible.

- Even Emma Coghill's sister fancies him

and she's like 23.

- And she's been with footballers.

- So, why does he like me?

- I don't know. Maybe you're his type,

or something.

- What type would that be?

- Curvacious.

- Stop it!

- And let's be honest

if he like big boobs,

then he struck gold.

- They are cripplingly large.

Anyway, I'm stopping at his tonight

It's about to get happen (?).

- I thought it happened at camping.

- Oh non. No, we didn't...

hum... Because...

- Did he drink too much?

- Yeah.

- You know what, I hate that.

- Yeah.

- Listen, your first time is always
gonna be the scariest.

- Just, make sure he doesn't drink
too much and you'll be fine!

- But...

- Rae! For the past four weeks or so
we've talked about sex.

- Right? Noises, positions, worst and
best case scenarios.

Handjobs techniques, blowjob techniques,

- How sensitive men's nipples are.

- Balls's skin, porn, anal,
even strap-ons!

- There's nothing else to talk about,
right? Just...

- Let him whack it in you!

- Right?

- Right.

- Oh my god, she's here!

- Holy fuck?!

- I told you I was thinking about
doing a photoshoot.

- And then we talked for like,
hum, ninety hours?

- And then you agreed it was a bad idea.

- I know.

- Why do underwear shots?

- Well I wanted to put it
on my modeling portfolio.

- Oh my God, Rae!
Everybody's staring at me.

- Right.

- Where are the originals?
And the negatives?

- I don't know.

- No I took them to Lisa Goulding's party
and I haven't seen them since.

- Did you show anyone at the party?

- I got really drunk and I showed them
to Barney.

- No, but there was over 50 people there,

and I didn't know half of them.
It could be anyone.

- Rae, we really need to find out
who's got the photos

before they print off any new ones.

- What other ones?

- Oh my god, Chloe!
Why would you do that?

- I wanted to keep
the glamour door open.

Glamour door? You're 16.

There is no door.

- Well have you never not wanted
pictures taken when you look amazing?

- Right? When your hair's done, and
you're make up, and the lighting

and you look sexy?

- Right? You feel sexy.

No?

Please, Rae.

You mess with her,

you mess with me

Poor Chloe

College is utterly barbaric.

At least I'd made it through
the day under the radar,

and now I had Finn all to myself.

I was starting to think
that me and him

Only made sense when no one else
was around

I still didn't know
why he liked me,

but maybe Chloe had it spot on.

Maybe I was his type.

Now, all I needed
was a bit of courage.

Courage in any form.

- You want it tonight, girl?

- No, I just fancied a drink.

- Want some?

- No, I'm fine.

- Cheers, my dear.

- Cheers.

You can do this.

The first time is always
the scariest. Man up!

- Where is this one?

- Um, that is Butlins and Skegness.

- I think I was five.

- Is that your mom?

- That''s her, yeah.

- She's pretty.

- Yeah.

- Do you miss her?

- Yeah.

- Who is this?

- Oh God!
This is Stacey Stringfellow.

- She goes to college

- Right, so, why have you got this?

- We used to go out.

- I told you it's been ages since
someone looked at these.

- I'll throw that one out.

- No. It's no big deal.

- Everyone's got exes.

- Have a drink.

- No, I'm fine, seriously.

Just relax, just relax,
just relax.

He wants this

You want this.

- Right, I'm pouring you one.

- Oh... Really?

- Cheers, my dear.

- No, no, no more.

- Just one more.

- Cheers, my dear.

- Yep. Cheers, my dear.

- I'm gonna... hum... I think I...

- I'm gonna have to go to the bathroom.

- I had a freak out

- I accidentally set an alarm off.

- You're not gonna tell anyone, are you?

- They'll kick me out.

- Kester, promise me.

- Of course, I won't.

- What were you doing, at the time?

- Tell me about that.

- Hum... I was just walking
down the corridor.

- Alone?

- Yeah.

- No, I was... I was with Finn

- Your boyfriend?

- Yeah.

- I don't get why he likes me.

- I'm not even his type.

- His ex was so tiny and beautiful.

- It's embarassing to be next to him.

- I'm embarassed for him.

- So do you think, you can't believe

he likes you because you can't find

anything to like about yourself?

- That's what we're trying to fix.

- Well that takes ages.

- I need a short term solution.

- This is therapy, there are
no short term solutions.

- Fine. Short term,
you've got three options.

- One, you start facing those things
you're afraid of.

- Stop caring about what other people
think, start to like yourself.

- Option two, you could leave college.

- Nope, I can't do that.
What's option three?

- Leave Finn.

- I guess I'll just try option one then.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

As always, Kester was
annoyingly right.

The only real option was
to face my fears.

I had to be around Finn in college,

not just to help my anxieties,
but also

because a circle of vultures
was gathering over his head.

Do it. Just kiss him. Fuck it.

- Just, just kiss him. Ok.

- Are you Rae?

- Yeah.

- There's a rumor going round about you.

- What?

- Are you going out with someone?

- No.

- Told you.

I can't do it.

I can't be near him at college.

The vultures can circle.

I'd rather hide than be eaten alive.

I'd still be his girlfriend,

just part time.

- Do you have any idea who's got them?

- No. Everyone's been
really nice about it.

- I've actually been asked out
by a few of the lads.

- Seriously?

- I know. It's so inappropriate, but...

but that's lads for you I guess.

- Hey, Chlo.

- Hey Stacey. Was it a good game?

- Oh! Brutal.

- So I'll see you later still?

- Yeah, definitely.

- What just happened?

- Well the girls have actually been
really supportive.

- Stacey even asked if I wanted to go
for a bite to eat after college.

- How nice is that?

- I don't know, I'm just hoping
whoever's got the pictures will stop.

- It will all go away anyway, so...

- Why would it all go away?

- We need to find out who it is.

- Or at least tell a teacher.

- Just drop it Rae, 'cause I don't
wanna talk about it, ok?

- Ok?

- Good afternoon.

- Is it?

- Listen, Rae. I need to talk to you
about something.

- Big news.

- I'm going through the change.

- Oh, God.

- And I'm thinking of getting
some work done.

- What work?

- Cosmetic surgery.

- Are you actually insane?

- How can we even afford that?

- You know last week, you said that
I could only throw a teabag away

after it had made three cups of tea.

- So all week, I've been trying
to save you money

by drinking tea that looks and tastes
like ass piss,

and now, you wanna go and throw away
thousands of pounds

- No bloody way, mom.

- Don't cry.

- You were doing so well.

- I do.

- I just want... I just want Karim
to be attracted to me.

- I'm punching well above my weight
with him, Rae.

- And it's not just that he's handsome
either, or that he's got this firm
little body on him.

- He is sensational in bed.

- He attends to my every need.

- And I feel like I've been taken
by a man, posessed...

- Yeah I get it!

- He's hot. You like him.

- When we're at the club, I feel people
must look at us and think...

How the bloody hell did that happen?

- You know what I mean?

- Yeah

- Do you want a brew?

- Rae.

Use one teabag per cup.

So maybe I wasn't ready

to be around Finn in college,

but I had to see him outside.

Or what was the point?

and that meant,

taking my clothes off.

But the truth was,

that I was astounded by people
who could be naked.

Not just in front of others,

but in front of themselves.

If I couldn't do that,

How could I ever do it in front
of someone else?

The problem is, that being naked
leaves you nowhere to hide.

- I just don't get it.

- Oh fuck.

- Rae! Hi!

- Oh, hey!

- Where have you been?

- About.

- Humm... I've gotta go.

- What?

- Stop. Look. What are you doing?

- Can we not do this here, Finn?

- Do what?

"OUT OF ORDER"

- Why are you being a dickhead?

- Don't call me a dickhead.

- You've been ignoring me,
deny it.

- What? Is it...

- Is it cause of the other night?