My Mad Fat Diary (2013–2015): Season 2, Episode 1 - Alarm - full transcript

"Dear diary...

"Hmm. "

Yeah.

Go. I don't think I'm strong enough
to make it on my own!

Give it a go. You've got your mum,
all your friends. Please, please.

"There is a difference
between snacking and bingeing. "

If that's how you feel, maybe...

we shouldn't be friends.

Oh! I'm pregnant.

Being dead nice to me,
then just doing something rude...

I'm not trying to be heavy.



I don't want to be your friend.

There is always, always,
always a way out.

I'm actually mad. I think
you're ready to start therapy.

"Dear Tix...

"First of all, my diary is full.

"But who needs a diary
when I can write to you, fatty?

"And second of all,

"I've got loads to tell you.

"This summer seems to be
going on forever.

"Like the heat of the sun
is warping time itself.

"So, I'm still here. "

"And so's Archie.

"And he's still gorgeous.

"Chop and Izzy
are still inseparable...



"And Chloe's still,

"well, Chloe.

"And thanks to Karim,
my mum's happy too.

"Sometimes, we even look
vaguely like a normal family. "

"We're all untouchable.

"And, Tixy, I've got this feeling
that I'm not used to.

"It fizzes like cherry cola
and tingles like kisses on my neck.

"I think it's called happiness. "

Hey, hey, hey!

Welcome drink.

"Oh...

"I guess there's one person
I've not mentioned.

"My Finn.

"I don't even know where to start.

"All I can say is that, well,
a lot is going on.

"I suppose I'd better begin
at the beginning. "

"It was the day after
my mum's wedding.

"Chloe had assembled everyone
so we could talk about me being ill.

"She was trying to help,
but I wanted someone

"to put a bullet in my head. "

Right, OK, so when you have
the ketchup bottle,

you can ask Rae
a question about it.

Maybe we can just talk about it
whenever people want?

Yeah, why can't we do that?

Cos this is a good way of
getting everything out there.

And because this is how
we're doing it. All right?

"It was agony.
But at least Finn wasn't there.

"I didn't want him
thinking I was still ill...

"Fuck!"

Where have you been?
Er, soz, Mum!

Afternoon. Afternoon.

Well, I'll go first.

When they took you into hospital,

did they proper drag you out,
like, and put you in a van? No.

I was already in hospital,
because I'd hurt myself.

So, it was voluntary? Actually,
you don't have the ketchup bottle.

Don't speak if you don't have
the ketchup bottle.

So, it was voluntary?

They said they'd agreed it
with my mum

and then they asked me
what I wanted to do,

but I think they'd have
made me stay anyway.

You're all right now, though?

Are you?

Yes.

I'm better.

"We met that night, Tixy.
Just him and me.

"We hadn't said it was a date,
but it definitely was a date. "

"By the way,

"his arse is so beautiful
that sometimes,

"I have to stop myself from crying
when I look at it. "

Not too shabby, Findlay.

Right, you're up.

Are you sure you don't want
the bumpers up?

No, I'll be all right.

Aim just to the left or the right of
the centre one, yeah?

Just try and hit 'em.

I thought you said
you'd never played before!

I say a lot of things.

That's how it's going to be, is it?
That's how it's going to be.

"I was in heaven, Tix.

"It was the greatest date
in the history of dating. "

It's been two days
and he still hasn't called.

I'm such an idiot!
It clearly wasn't a date.

I thought it might not be a date.
You guys hang out all the time.

Have you even kissed yet? No.
I don't think it was a date.

What about what he wrote
on your back? He must like you.

Yeah, well,
the thing with that was...

I'd had three Tia Marias.

So maybe he actually wrote something
really weird, like...

"I'm an emu. "

Rae... Oh... Maybe you're right
about what he wrote,

but he meant it as a friend.

I don't want him as a friend.

I want him to go down on me for
so long that he has to evolve gills.

All right, calm down...

and drink some of your coke.

I think I might know why he hasn't
been in touch, Rae. Why?

It's because you beat him
at bowling. What?

Men don't like being beaten
at sports.

Do they not? No, seriously. They
feel like it, um, emasculates them.

I read it in Just Seventeen.

What am I going to do?

My relationship is over
and it hasn't even begun.

No, no, calm down.

You need to be in a situation
with him

where he can show you that
he's manly. Mm-hm.

You know? Where he can show you
that he is strong...

and he is fierce.

Yeah. Fierce.

What you need to do. Yeah.

That's it, run! Yeah, go on! Kick!

You can score a goal!

I know you're tired,
but you can do it!

Woo!

Loving your work, Finn!
Loving your work!

Oh, no.

It stinks in here.

They add that boy smell, so you know
you're in a changing room!

You looked good out there.
Proper manly.

You say the weirdest stuff sometimes!

You do.

You don't think I'm weird,
though, do you?

No. I don't want you
to think I'm weird

by asking if you think I'm weird.
By the way, I'm not paranoid

about stuff like that,
I'm not some kind of person...

"Oh, my God!"

You don't have to kiss me
because you feel sorry for me.

I'm not kissing you
cos I feel sorry for you.

I'm kissing you because I want to.

And also, maybe to shut you up
a little bit.

"And that was our first kiss,
amongst the dirty socks,

"with the smell of sweat and dirt,
both of us covered in blood.

"It was perfect.

"PS - in your face, Chloe,
I knew it was a date!

"And that brings me back
to the present day,

"Where you will find Finn,
with his index...

".. and middle finger upon
my lady area. "

You all right?

Good?

"What if I can't relax?

"What if I get so nervous that
my vagina turns to stone

"and I can't feel anything?

"Or even worse, what if Finn
didn't know what he was doing?

"I had hours and days and weeks
of experience in the lady area,

"I knew how it operated.

"What if I had to fake an orgasm?

"How the hell do you fake
an orgasm?!

"What if he couldn't find my...?"

Oh! Holy Lord Jesus Christ!

Fuck. Shh.

Feel good?

It's all right, yeah.

"This is heaven.
I'm actually in heaven.

"He's using his thumb to tap.

"Oh, my God! He's a sex wizard!"

Oh, hi, Finn.
I didn't know you were here.

Hiya.

What you doing, Rae?
What do you want, Mum?

We're having a hotpot for tea,

so I need you to run down to
the corner shop

and get me some red cabbage.

You burst in here
because of red cabbage?

You can't have a hotpot without
red cabbage, can you, Finn?

No. No, you can't, no.

Are you staying for tea, lovely?

No, I've got football.
Thanks, though.

Guys, I'm happy.

I'm so happy.

I'm sorry...

I'm a bit emotional at the moment.

I think I'm going through changes.

You know, Finn?

Changes.

Yeah. My mum went through her changes
early as well.

Sorry.

Red cabbage.

Is she all right?
Yeah, ignore her, she's a weirdo.

Look, I've got to get to football.
Oh, but...

"And then he said it, Tix.
Three little words.

"No, not I love you. Even better. "

To... be... continued.

"And there go my ovaries!"

I'm happy.

Yeah?

Yeah. Good.

How's the diary?

Look, don't be mad,
but I've stopped it.

It's your diary.

It was useful when I was struggling,

but I'm not...

so... it's not.

There's a couple of things
I wanted to talk to you about.

The first thing is, I run
a group therapy session once a week,

and I think it would be
really good for you.

Just so you know you're not alone.

Nah.

Danny goes.

I know he'd love to see you there.

I think he misses you and he could
do with cheering up right now.

We all could.

Well, just say
you'll think about it.

I'll think about it.

The other thing I wanted to say...

I think there's something
we've been avoiding talking about.

I think we both know what that is.

Oh.

Time's up.

See ya!

So I guess you girls are
planning on doing you-know-what?

I haven't really thought about
my first time.

But I want it to be perfect.

I want it to be in a big four-poster
bed with white satin sheets,

and Chop's lit some candles
and put some rose petals down,

and he's opened a bottle of wine,

but the butler only brought
one glass, so we have to share.

Butler? Yeah.

And the balcony windows are open
a little bit,

and I can hear church bells.

So, you haven't really thought
about it, then?

What about you, Rae?

Hmm. I want Finn naked,

covered in Dairylea.

Rae...

The Dairylea is optional.

I dunno.

The other night,
we were getting really close,

but then he just rushed off.

Well, do you think he's nervous
about moving too fast

cos you were ill? What d'you mean?

Because Finn's nice, isn't he?
Yeah.

You know, maybe he's worried it'll
be too much, or whatever.

Maybe you need to be more forward,

you know, let him know
that you're ready.

Anyway, I suggest you girls get it
in the bag as soon as possible. Why?

Well, college starts very soon.

Do you really want to be
the only girls to turn up

with your V plates intact?

She's talking about us
being virgins still.

Yeah. I got it.

You girls need to get it in the bag,
and quick.

This is both disgusting and
depressing. What a treat.

Maybe we should kiss?

Right. Me and Izzy have decided...

we're going camping.

What? I hate camping.
Why do we have to go

sleep in a field when we've got
perfectly good beds? Ow!

Did you just kick me?

We don't need a reason to have fun,
Archie.

Don't be so boring.

We just thought that it would be
something nice to do

before college starts.

You know,
celebrate the end of summer.

When were you thinking of going?
Next Saturday. What?

What? What are you doing?

I thought we wanted to go camping
before college starts.

Yeah.

College starts next Monday.

No. College starts this Monday.

In five days.

Guys, when does college start?

College starts this Monday.
They sent out, like,

4 million reminder letters
over the holidays.

I'm not even going
and I knew that.

Rae...

Rae... You all right, Raemundo?

Good, yeah.

So, when's camping? Saturday?

Yeah.

Jesus. Has anyone even got a tent?

No. No.

Good. This should be great!

Where's my mail?

Um, I don't know.
Why don't you look in the place?

What place?

Behind the pig on the radiator.

What the fuck...

Jesus Christ!

How long have you been putting
my mail behind that pig?

College starts on Monday.
I've got to get an outfit,

I've got to get
my timetable sorted...

Are...

Are you wearing my top?

You don't mind, do you?
I thought it looked quite funky.

"Funky"? Yeah, that's what
you guys say now, isn't it?

Which guys?

I like it when we have a laugh
like this, Rae.

We're like sisters sometimes,
really, aren't we?

No.

Are you on drugs?

Just trying to look younger.

Why?

Look, I'm going through the change.

Karim is already 12 years
younger than me.

How is he going to feel
being married to an old woman...

that is drying up?

Weird things are happening to me.

I cried at Wheel Of Fortune today.

'Five days till college, Tixy. '

'It's not that I'm worried about it,
Tix. I'm not even bothered.

'I've got 107 hours, 16 minutes

'and 28 seconds
until college starts... '

'.. to get ready, to prepare myself.

'And, oh, yeah, to pop my cherry. '

Right, so, what do people wear
to college?

Just anything?
Or are there any don'ts?

Rae, we're not here to shop for
college.

You and Izzy are here to shop for
camping. Oh, we're getting tents?

No, Rae.

Come on.

'Oh, tits. '

You can't have a full cup, Rae.
It's all about the half cup.

Well, what about support?

Bollocks to support.
It's all about looking amazing.

Right, what do you reckon?
That'd look so amazing on you, Chlo.

What have we here, then?

30B?

These breasts are good, but small.
They need lifting.

38F?

These breasts are good, but big.
They need shaping.

'I felt like I was
in Goldilocks And The Three Bears.

'Of course, guess whose tits were
just like the baby bear's porridge...

'just right. '

These breasts are very good.

I don't like them,
cos I like a challenge

and these breasts
don't bloody challenge me.

That's a compliment, love. 32C.

So, matching tops and bottoms?

Yeah. We all want proper lingerie.

'The worst thing though, Tix, was
that a lot of the stuff was so nice.

'It was so pretty and delicate.

'It just wasn't made for someone
whose body wasn't pretty,

'wasn't delicate. '

Love?

Come on.

Don't be scared of your own tits.

'The funny thing was, Tix,
is that all I wanted to do was go

'and show Finn what I'd bought,
get him excited for camping.

'Bollocks to mine
and Izzy's shagus pactus.

'The clock was ticking.
Maybe he'd ask me to try it on

'and he wouldn't be able to resist. '

Rae. You're just in time!

I was just about to stick on me
limited edition Brothers In Arms vinyl.

I can't promise I won't break into some serious
air guitaring during Money For Nothing!

Um...

We can rain check.

Yeah, um, let's rain check.
Is Finn in?

Yeah, he's upstairs. Come in.

Holy fuck.

It's not what most people would
do with a bottle of whisky

at the weekend but this is the ninth
annual...

.. phenomenon that's baffled
the... Over 2,000...

.. and needs to be seen to be
believed. When there's no more...

.. balls. A few new tricks from
fellow perf...

'Tixy, I feel like my mind
has been poisoned by beauty.

'I was so annoyed at myself.
I had the perfect chance

'to throw a pint of sex in his face,
and I blew it. '

All right, fatty?

Er, where have you two been?

We've just been out having fun,
like young couples do, you know.

No, I don't.

What's that?

Special TV.

Just a new TV. But check this out.
It's got a VCR built in.

What, built in? Yeah.

Built in to the TV? Yeah.

Yeah, good, because the remote
control for that piece of junk there

has stopped working.

Oh, well, it's not for down here.
It's for mine and Karim's room.

What? Why are you putting
a video player in your room?

Don't argue, Rae. If you want one
for yourself, get a job and save up.

But you don't even own any videos.

'Tix, my mum is still hugely
selfish.

'She doesn't even own any videos,
for fuck's sake. '

She doesn't even own any video...

Missionary: Impossible.

That's impossible!

'These people can't be real, Tix.

'They were probably made in a sex
factory somewhere near Munich. '

'Hang on a minute.
Something's missing. '

OK, Rachel. What style
did you decide on in the end?

Oh, just the standard.
I just want my bikini line doing.

OK.

How much is it?
It's £7.50 for a standard.

Let's call it a tenner.

'Now, just think about something
nice and lovely.

'Lovely clouds. Kittens. Flowers.
Puppies. '

'Fluffy bastard cloud kittens!'

How was it?

Well, my lady clam no longer
looks like a barber's bin,

if that's what you mean.

Are you nervous about camping
tomorrow? A little bit.

I'm excited but... you know
the other day at the bra shop?

Yeah.

Chloe looked so good in her
underwear.

She looked perfect.

I just was worried that
I don't look like that.

I don't think many people
look perfect.

Isabelle?

'Thank God for Izzy.

'Thank God that someone else
felt the way I did.

'That someone else wasn't... '

Perfect.

So what d'you think has changed? Why
d'you think you're happy?

You told me to start liking myself.

And do you?

I've got a boyfriend.

Right.

He's delicious. Too delicious.

What d'you mean, too delicious?

Nothing.

It was a joke.

I dunno.

It's easier to like yourself
when someone likes you, isn't it?

You should like yourself
because you're a good person,

not because someone else likes you.
I didn't say that.

What did you say?

At our last session we ran out of
time.

We didn't get to finish what we were
talking about. Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

I've been waiting for you
to bring it up in your own time,

but now I'm beginning to worry that
we're... just avoiding the subject.

Why can't you just be like
a proper therapist?

Punch pillows
and play word association?

I'm afraid we don't do any of that.

I'd like it more if we did.

Right.

Word association.

I say a word, you say the first
thing that comes into your head.

Home. Bedroom.

Tree. Bark.

Dog. Bark.

Mum. Dad.

Dad. Man.

Kester. Divorce.

Rae. Davies.

Rae. Me.

Boys. Gents.

Food. Eat.

Tix. Friend.

Skin. Itchy.

Dog. Bite.

Boys. Fat. Food. Fat.

Rae. Fat.

I do like myself.

'Check. '

'Check. '

'It's here, Tix. The day of
Operation Bang Out has arrived.

'I needed to take it up a notch.

'I had to do something
I'd never attempted before.

'Flirt. '

Finn, what are you...

Get in the back seat. Now!

D'you want water? Here.

'Say something. Anything. '

I was just thinking about
how sexy you were.

Oi! You'll make me crash.

I was thinking about tonight,
too.

What's... What's happening
tonight?

Doesn't matter.

Who's in with me?

I'll get in with Archie.

So we ended up having to ring
Dan Rigby, but I got two tents.

Two?!

Yeah. Two free manors. So me and
Izzy can sleep in with Archie

and you two can sleep in with
Chlo.

We said, "Get three tents. "

What am I, Captain Fucking Tent
Shop?

Why am I the one always
sorting stuff?

I'm not Del Boy.
I get zero appreciation for it.

That's bloody marvellous.

I got you a copy of the photos from
the beer garden the other day.

Thanks.

It's inevitable, Izzy.

Thanks to this tent situation,

we are pretty much turning up
to college virgins.

Actually, er... I need to tell you
something.

Me and Chop had sex last night.

What?!

How could you let that happen?

We had a pact.
Yeah, well, it wasn't like that.

I went over to Chop's to show him the
new underwear I bought

to get him excited for camping
and stuff, and then...

well... we did it.

It wasn't like I imagined it.

It was on the couch in his
lounge.

Crimewatch was on in the
background,

and Crimewatch
scares me a little bit,

so I was a bit distracted, but...

...I enjoyed it, though. The sex,
I mean.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

'So there I was, Tix,
the last virgin standing.

'Two days to college, two shared
tents and zero chance of a shag. '

What's up?

It's Chloe. She keeps touching
me.

Touching you how?

You know, touching touching.
She's pretty tactile.

Maybe she's just touching you
the same amount as always.

Yeah, maybe.

At least you're getting touched
anyway.

What's up?

I'll tell you what's up, Archie.
I'm wearing ridiculous underwear

that is offering no support
whatsoever

to my boobs.

Here.

Oh, God, that feels good.

I fucking hate camping.

Me, too.

You all right, Raemundo?
Yeah.

But what about in yourself,
like? I'm fine.

Wanna go for a walk, girl?

Cute, aren't they?
Yeah.

You know you don't have
to give me space, don't you?

What d'you mean?

I mean that I know I've been ill
but...

...you're the only one who doesn't
ask if I'm all right all the time.

I like that.

That you just treat me normal.

I like you.
I'm glad you like me.

Because I've got a surprise
for you.

Oh...

What's this?

When I say, "To be continued,"

I mean, to be continued.

'Jesus.

'I was so turned on, we were gonna
need a canoe and life jackets. '

'Maybe sometimes it does
happen how you imagine it

'cos I felt like I was in a movie.

'Not a crap one.

'An amazing, brilliant,
unbelievable,

'mega, fucking awesome
one. '

You OK?

I just need to freshen up.

What the fuck are you doing?

'It was the first time
I'd seen us together. '

'I knew he was out of my league, but
I didn't know just how much. '

'No-one could understand why we were
together, and all of a sudden...

'neither could I.'

Is everything OK?

Yeah... Um... I've just got a
massive headache.

Why didn't you say, you numpty?

You know what's good for headaches,
don't you?

Vodka!

D'you want one?

I'll get two glasses.

'Tixy, I have totally, utterly
and unquestionably

'failed to lose my virginity.

'I may as well go to college
with it written on my face. '

Oh!

Oh, my God, Rae, you need to help me.

What? Chloe!

Because you and Finn went off
last night,

we ended up sharing a tent
on our own!

Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

I turn around to get in
my sleeping bag

and when I turn back, she's laying
there in some sexy lingerie number.

Oh, my God!

What did you do?

I let her kiss me for a minute,
and then...

What?

I pretended I was asleep.

I feel terrible.

Oh, my God!

Can we go back to civilisation now,
please?!

You all right?

Yeah.

'Summer's over, Tixy.

'The bubble's burst. '

Rae... I wanted to ask you something.

What?

Have you been in mine and Karim's
room recently? No.

Why? No reason.

How's that TV/VCR working out?

It's all right, yeah.

Like you said, I don't own any
videos, so...

Well, maybe you should bring it
downstairs, then?

Unless you're planning on
watching videos on it...

when you're in bed.

No, I wasn't planning on doing that.

So... Yes, good idea.

Cool.

Anyway, you better get some sleep.
College tomorrow.

'I still had time, Tix. Ten hours,
eight minutes and 14 seconds...

'to sleep, to get ready,
to prepare myself. '

Come on, get up! You're late!

Look at you!
New beginnings and all that.

How are you feeling, anyway?

I wish people would stop asking me
that.

People only ask because
they care about you, love.

I know you must be nervous
about today,

what with everything that happened,
you know, at your old school.

But I'm really proud of you, Rae,

how you're coping.

Four months ago, I would never have
said you were well enough

to go to college. Yeah.

'Mum was right, Tix.
I had the gang now.

'It wasn't going to be like
last time. '

Good morning! How are you?!

I got you a brew.

How's your migraine?
All right.

'I've got Finn now, Tixy. '

'It wasn't going to be like
last time. '

Do I look all right?
Cos I want to make a good impression.

For who?! It's only college!

It's all right for you, Finn. You're
a boy and you're in second year.

Everyone'll be staring at us.

They're not going to be staring.

They so are. We're fresh meat, babe.

It's like they're all sitting at our
restaurant waiting for the delivery

and we're the food. Oi! You two are
taken. Remember that.

'I had the gang now, Tixy.

'It wasn't going to be like
last time. '

Tonight, babe. Yeah.

Bye. See you later.

'I've got Finn now.

'It wasn't going to be like
last time. '

Boys. Fat.

Food. Fat.

Rae. Fat.

Boys. Fat.

Rae. Fat.

Food. Fat.

Rae. Fat.

D'you know where the toilets are?

Round there. Why, what's wrong?

Nothing. I'll see you in a bit,
yeah?

Give us a shout if you need
anything, though. Rae?

See you later, then.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck indeed.

If I find out which one of you
jokers set off the fire alarm,

that's it, you're done for the year.

'I've been living in denial, Tix.

'About being better,
about me and Finn.

'About everything. '

Rae?

I'm a mess.

I miss her.

Yeah. Me, too.

Then why aren't you more upset?
You don't even seem upset.

I'm devastated, Rae.

I'm sorry I didn't go to the
funeral.

I just...

I couldn't.

It's only a funeral.

You know she wouldn't have cared.

But funerals do have their purpose.

They're places where we get
to say goodbye.

Bye, Tix.

'Dear Diary, there are two things
you should know about me.

'I'm still fat.

'And I'm still mad. '

Rae!

I've missed you.

Oh, Danny, I've missed you, too.

How are you doing?

Not the best, to be honest.

Where's your hats? What hats?

All right, everybody.

Welcome to group.

Let's just jump right in, will we?

So, has anybody got anything
they want to share this week?

Liam, what about you?

Different week.

Same old bullshit.