Murphy Brown (1988–2018): Season 3, Episode 1 - The 390th Broadcast - full transcript

Thank you. Really, you're too kind. Thank you.

Did everybody miss me?

I don't know Bob that didn't
sound sincere. Meet me after work.

- Frank.
- Hey Murph.

Hey you look fantastic. You are
ready to start the new season?

You bet. Nothing like a little R&R

- How was your vacation?
- It was great. I went on an archaeological dig.

Look what I found.

A pez dispenser.

Huh, if this baby could talk.

So. What about you? Where did you finally decide to go?



To heaven on earth Frank.

To baseball camp.

Get out of here.

A week in Florida training with Dodger legend.

You remember that trouble I used
to have pitching low when inside.

Not anymore.

I guess Steve Garvey won't be needing that vasectomy.

Frank! You left a cherry yogurt
on your desk for four weeks.

Jimbo my man.

Hey Jim. How's it going?

Murphy.

So uh. Why didn't I get a
postcard from you in Nantucket?

Why?

Because Nantucket was a living hell.



Doris and I will never ever share
a house with the Rooney's again.

He drove us out of our minds.

Did you ever wonder why crabs walk sideways?

Have you ever noticed you can never
get the sand out of your bathing suit?

Why is it when you cut a nose
hair, that it grows in even thicker?

Doris got so upset, she tried to
run him down with a dune buggy.

I can't tell you how glad I am to be back here.

Sure. It's really something. Isn't it? The
beginning of our 13th season together.

FYI's 390th broadcast.

And I'm ready for it.

I think I can even face a new secretary.

Hello. You must be my new secretary. I'm Murphy Brown.

Ms Brown. I'm Kevin Mallory.

Thank you so much for this opportunity.

Having a good job during the day
helps pay for my studies at night.

Wow. Good for you Kevin.

Well. Why don't you start by going to the supply
room and getting me some fresh number two pencils.

You'll find I go through them pretty quickly.

You got it.

Oh by the way. What are you studying?

So. People. Season number 13.
Who said that was an unlucky number?

Come my little anchors and anchorets.
We have important things to discuss.

You know I was talking to my girlfriend
the other day. My girlfriend Audrey.

And she said.

My girlfriend said something very insightful to me.

My girlfriend said: Miles. Do you realize
how fortunate you are to have the job you have.

- My girlfriend name is...
- We get it Miles, we get it. Does everybody get it?

Miles has a girlfriend and the name is Audrey!

Where's Corky?

Nobody's heard from her since the wedding.

It must have been some
honeymoon. If you know what I mean.

Yes Frank. We all know what you mean.

May I suggest we practice a
little restraint when she arrives.

After all. Corky was... well, innocent.

And sometimes... well... deflowering, can
be a traumatic experience for a young woman.

Hi everybody. I'm back!

I really have to apologize for not writing thank you
cards to all of you for my wonderful wedding gifts.

But Will and I've been busy.

In fact. We were so busy on our
honeymoon, we hardly ever left the hotel room.

Busy, busy, busy.

Morning, noon and night.

Sometimes we're busy three times in one morning.

Oh Murphy. I hope you get busy soon.

Would you sit down please Corky.

Now that we're all here, I
just want to open by saying...

As I was saying, I have something important to discuss.

Being that this is our 13th season.

I'm thinking that maybe it's time
to breathe some new life into FYI.

Maybe make some changes.

Now, wait a minute Miles. FYI has been very successful.

True. But research says we're not adding new viewers.

According to my calculations if this trend continues,

by the year 2000, our audience
will be a guy named Mort.

Believe me. I'm not suggesting wholesale changes.

We're going to carefully
select a dozen impartial viewers.

Screen a show for them and hear their suggestions.

Why don't you just call it what it
is Miles. It's a focus group. Isn't it?

Yeah. Last time we used a focus
group, I ended up wearing a toupee.

I hate that stupid thing. I feel like I'm telling
America the news with a dead beaver on my head.

Oh listen to you people.

You're too afraid to get some honest
feedback from the American public.

Well. Fine. I guess I'll be
attending the focus session myself.

It's this afternoon at three in
the 10th floor testing facility.

If you're interested.

As if any of us could have the slightest
interest in what a focus group has to say about us.

The screening is almost over Mr. Silverberg.

As you know, you and the focused
participants are separated by one-way glass.

You will be able to see and hear everything.
They will have no idea you're watching them.

Anything I can get you?

No thank you Greta. I'll be fine.

Well, well, well. Look who's here.

Gladys Knight and her Pips.

I'm not here for the focus
group, if that's what you think.

We're here to see the chairs.

- Guys these are the chairs I was telling you about.
- Great leather.

Let's begin our discussion.

Since this is the first time any of you have seen FYI.

We would be very interested to hear
your reaction to each of the anchor people.

Jim Dial, for instance.

Now. Is this a man that you would invite
into your living rooms every Wednesday night?

You know? I don't really relate to him.

He doesn't seem like the kind of guy he could call
up on the spur of the moment and invite to say uh...

A tractor pull.

I mean, he looks like he forgot to
take the hanger out of his jacket.

- Jim man I want you to remember this is
meant to be constructive criticism - Of course Miles.

Man is entitled to his opinion.

And if we keep an open mind there might
be something valuable to be gained from this.

Very professional Jim.

You can't see me tubby.

Why don't we move on to the other male
anchor Frank Fontana. How would you rate him?

Was there another guy?

I just thought there was one man.
Two blonde women and one man. Right?

This is a nightmare.

Nobody remembers Frank Fontana?

He's the one who did the report on the crack house.

Oh that guy!

I thought there was a commercial for the hair club.

I'm sorry.

It's not funny Murphy. I'm in a
tremendous amount of pain right now.

You want to say I'm thin skinned?
Say anything you want. It doesn't matter.

I don't exist. I'm like some high-pitched
whistle, that only dogs can hear.

Why don't we move on to Corky Sherwood?

Oh no. I can't listen. I can't listen.

Well I loved her.

Yeah. Me too.

She has a certain "joie de vivre".

Yes. She seems like such a happy person.

And caring.

What did they say?

They hated you.

This is ridiculous. I can't
believe we're listening to this crap.

- What do we care what
these people have to say?
Let's go. - Right. Yeah.

Now. What about everyone's reaction to Murphy Brown?

Wait. They're talking about me.

Well. I for one did not think that Murphy Brown
was very polite to that man she was interviewing.

Now, Mr. Noriega may have done some
bad things, but the way she was yelling at him?

Give me a break!

I didn't care for the way she dressed.
Whoever heard of wearing a pink jacket?

Oh it was so ugly.

Yeah. I'm really gonna take fashion criticism from you.

Are those your regular clothes? Did you
come here straight from clown college?

That was totally uncalled for.

Okay. Some of this criticism
may have been over the top.

But we can't ignore the fact that very
few positive comments were made.

So, I have decided to hire an image
consultant who will help broaden our audience.

And take FYI into the 90s.

Oh no. I hate those image consultants. They all
come from L.A. Nothing good ever came from L.A.

Except a pool boy named Derek at the Bel Air hotel.

My mind is made up.

On the first broadcast of the new season,

there will be some changes.

Here's the plan. When that image
consultant guy gets here, I think we got
to let him know where we stand right away.

I've been looking through
my list of revenge techniques.

Volume 2 best of the 80s.

And I think maybe the glue and the comb thing
would be good. Although I'm open to suggestions.

I've always liked the glue and the comb.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

You got to have your own personal style.

This blue blazer gray pants bit is out of here.

Unless you don't mind people coming up and asking
you for an extra pillow and help with a tray table.

Hi there.

Everyone, this is Chris Bishop, our image consultant.

Chris, this is Murphy Brown, Jim Dial,
Corky Sherwood and Frank Fontana.

Maybe you've heard of me.

Let me just say.

Right off the blocks out of the shoe from Jump street
the get-go.

I know how you're feeling. Change is scary.

And I'm the change guy.

I don't want you to think of me as the enemy.

I want you to think of me as the
guy who's come to save your show.

- Can I borrow your comb?
- Murphy. Do not...

Let's cut to the chase here.

I've viewed hundreds of hours of FYI.

And I've noticed a few things. For instance.

- Jim.
- Yes. What?

You don't blink Jim.

Do you know that about yourself?

We got to loosen you up, get some eyelid action going.

Get you out of that suit and tie thing.

- Now Hank.
- Frank.
- Frank.

We can solve that visibility problem
if... we just turn up your volume.

You're an investigative reporter. You do
dangerous things. We need to exploit that.

So I've come up with a new
segment for the show it's called:

Let Frank do it.

Viewers write in and they ask Frank:

What's it like to..? Say... jump
off a bridge with a bungee cord?

And then Frank does it.

In fact, let's lead off with that
one. We'll shoot it on Tuesday.

Wear tight shoes, don't eat anything for breakfast.

Corky.

I know I'm not perfect. I don't have a journalism
background, but I am learning and I know I can do better.

What are you talking about? We're not
going to change a single thing about you.

Except maybe hype that skirt up a little bit.

Oh. What the hell! Just lift it over your head.

Oh. That's too far. I'm just kidding you.

So, that leads us with you Murphy.

No, it doesn't.

Let me start out by saying that
you definitely have your own style.

But you've got a serious warmth problem.

Maybe it's because of those
hard-hitting interviews you do.

I'd like to see you personally go
one-on-one with the average American citizen.

Just take the pulse of the heartland.

What do you think?

I love it Chris. I really do.

And I'd like to meet with you about it tonight.

At the ducks!

Look people.

I can't force you into anything here.

But take a look around you.

All the networks are developing itchy trigger
fingers the second the rating waves the ax falls.

Maybe, we should give them some time to absorb this.

Okay. But don't take too much time.
I want to get started on the new set.

I want to shoot the new opening.

Meantime, let's you and me go shopping.
I got a couple of great ideas for you.

Really? Maybe go with a
double vent in the jacket, right?

I don't know if I'm ready for that.

Okay people.

Let's pick up the pace a little.

Live television is about to happen.

Hello Murphy.

You know?

This is not a nurturing environment.
Some of us are trying to change and grow.

And some of us are trying to
hold on to one last shred of dignity.

What is this set Miles?

It looks like Robert Redford's living room.

Where's the bean dip?

It's the Santa Fe look.

Hey. I'm sick of it too but

research tells us that women
18 to 34 still buy this crap.

Look Murphy. I want you to get the program.

I need you to radiate friendliness, caring.

Let me tell you something.

When I interviewed Ali North, he said the
experience was like sticking his face in a buzz saw.

I cherish those words Chris.

I even had them embroidered on a pillow.

Because that's just the kind of gal I am.

But she's gonna try really hard to be
less like a power tool. Isn't she? Isn't she?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Chris.
- Yep.

Can I ask you something?

Are you sure about the set? I mean
it's a bigger change than I expect.

Miles. Are you questioning me?

Well, yes.

Let me ask you something Miles.

When women see you now. What do
you think they're saying to themselves?

Who is this small god?

- So?
- You're right, you're right.

I'm just a little uncomfortable with this.

It's not a problem. I'm sure
we made all the right choices.

Oh. Good Lord.

There's no desk.

How can we anchor a broadcast without a desk.

People will see our legs. I hate that.

Take it easy Jimbo. It's just
gonna take a little getting used to.

Who are you? Oh my god!

Chris.

Do you think my skirt's too short?

I don't know. Fellas, is her skirt too short?

America has voted.

Thank you.

What about the piece? Are
you sure I should be wearing it?

I think the hair works.

If you want to take the risk, that's up to you.

Uh I'm not sure. Jim. What do you think?

I don't know Frank. I have my own problems.

All right. 15 seconds to the air, people.

Head 'em up, move 'em out. Yeehaw!

Okay. Everybody remembers
how we're gonna do this, right?

We cue the new opening. Then go to Jim.

Corky. Frank. We want some friendly crossed chatter.

Take a sip of coffee from the mugs in front of you.

Jim don't forget to blink. Let's all help Frank.
Let's say his name as frequently as possible.

All right. Let's clear the set people.

Come on. Let's settle.

Here we go. In: Five, four, three, two.

Good evening and welcome to FYI.

For your information tonight.

We introduce a new segment called: Let Frank do it.

Frank. Why don't you tell us a little bit about that?

Frank.

Thanks Jim.

It seems as though, many of you out there,
have been wondering what it might be like to...

shoot the rapids of the
Colorado in a flimsy little raft?

Wrestling an alligator in the Everglades?

And even ride as a passenger in a Domino's pizza truck.

It's dangerous, it's crazy. And I, Frank
Fontana, am here to do all that for you.

Frank. That sounds fascinating and...

speaking of fascinating, Corky Sherwood Forest

spent a week as an air traffic controller.

But first, Murphy Brown in a very special piece.

As you know, Murphy has interviewed
some of the most powerful people in the world.

Very, very true.

But tonight, tonight we thought...

Let's see what's on the mind of an average American.

And so we picked one.

Just picked one at random, right out of the phone book.

Because that's how we do things now.

And she's here tonight, so watch and listen

as Murphy Brown talks with Mrs.
Betty Hooley from Greenfield, Idaho.

- Murphy?
- Thank you Jim.

And welcome to FYI Mrs. Hooley.

The challenges' facing an American
family in the 1990s must be enormous.

Tell me for instance, How do you make ends meet?

Oh well. It isn't easy.

My husband and I both work, so we can pay
our bills and send our children to good schools.

So you've sacrificed because
you put a high priority on education.

Oh, we didn't plan on sending our
children to an expensive private school.

But we really had no choice,
not after the Italians took over.

Excuse me?

The Italians.

There are a lot of them in the neighborhood.

They look like regular families, but
you just know they're up to no good.

I don't want my children around
them, so we really had no choice.

Let's talk about the American dream Mrs. Hooley.

Do you own your own home?

Yes.

When my husband and I got
married, that was one of our goals.

And we finally achieved it.

Last year we bought our dream house.

So, good old American work ethic paid off.

It did. Until the black people moved in next door.

It's like what happened when the Chinese man
bought the dry cleaners from the Jewish people.

All of a sudden there's no free delivery anymore.

They're cheaper than the Jewish people.

And they don't even stack the sleeves with paper.

At least the Jews stacked paper.

Although, they often overcharged
me for silk blouse. It's "their way".

Mrs. Hooley. Has anyone ever
accused you of being a bigot?

Who? Me?

No, the other Mrs. Hooley! Yes, you!

In case you haven't heard, there
are entire black families in this country,

who go through life as fine upstanding
citizens, and some of them are even good dancers.

And I bet there are at least one or two
Italians who've never put a horse's head in a bed.

Where is your mind Mrs. Hooley?
Have you ever read a newspaper?

Would you even recognize one if you saw one?

I'm sure you're dying to answer these questions
and maybe even tell us why Hitler was misunderstood.

But I don't want to keep you
from your Ku Klux Klan meeting.

Back to you Jim.

I don't know Chris. It just doesn't feel comfortable.

I think it's the pants.

Well look who's here, our image consultant.

And Otto the gay Woodsman.

You know. Everything was going great last night.

Until your segment Murphy, you were the only problem.

I was the problem?

You know, guys like you come in for a week put
your greasy little fingerprints all over everything.

And then split, meanwhile we
have to live with what you do.

Well not me.

I'll run you out of here on a rail if I have to.

No. Let Frank do it.

Yeah.

All right. Fine.

But don't come crying to me a year from now, when
America's funniest home accidents has beaten your pants off.

Because a show like this, is a dying breed.

News, information, challenging material.

Just doesn't fly anymore.

And that's a cold hard fact.

See you around.

Do you think he's right?

The answer is in this envelope.

It's a rundown of viewer
responses that came in last night.

We log nearly 600 phone calls.

Have you looked at it Miles?

No. Not yet.

600 calls. That's a lot.

Can't remember ever getting 600 calls before.

I wonder what they thought?

Well, Aren't we going to open it?

Why? We know everyone must have hated the new FYI.

Or...

Or loved it.

No. We have to trust our own instincts.

I know now that I made a mistake.

We cannot talk down to people. If we
do, we train them to accept very little.

So I cast my vote for real news all the time.

Here, here!! Yeah! Buddy!

So, why are we standing round for?
We have a 391st show to produce.

Oh Frank! You burnt your hair again!

How many times do I have to
tell you? These things cost money.