Murphy Brown (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 20 - Heart of Gold - full transcript

congressman goes rushing back to his

office with his pants up bachelors

secretary is still in the Xerox room

looking for her blip and then you bake

it at 750 degrees for five hours

hi miles sister Mary Margaret I asked

sister Mary Margaret to join us for a

few minutes before she heads back to the

cabin oh please sit down sister

sister let me just say it was an honor

having you on the show tonight the work



you do delivering warm meals to the

elderly it's truly selfless yeah if I

had nuns as nice as you in high school I

wouldn't be sweating like this now thank

you all so much you've been so kind God

bless you all

the king of trash TV you really roasts

my rump sorry sister Wow

I didn't Murphy Brown our valiant band

of perky Crusaders I saw your white

horses parked out front thought I'd

mosey in and say howdy do and say sister

let me just say you have a television

presence that puts Sally Field in the



toilet gee Jer shouldn't you be out

saving the oil industry from those pesky

environmentalists very good Brown Brown

made a funny well how you doing there

Sherwood ever figure out why people

don't get dizzy when the earth rotates

you know gold if I hadn't hurt my back

reaching into the hamper this morning

I'd ask you to step outside it oh gee

Silverberg i wouldnt want to take

advantage of a guy with a hamper injury

we don't have to sit here and listen to

this let's go I'm starting to feel like

I need a flea dip mr. gold you're a

troubled young man in need of

understanding just remember that God is

smiling down on you and your life will

have meaning

I still think you guys look better in

the penguin suits schmuck

hey Jer that's the way to gift you could

clear cockroaches out of the tournament

so what's wrong with you brown don't you

have some starving wildebeest you've got

to go save I don't scare so easy gold

yeah you know I noticed that your tough

brown must be able to find you what

shrilled

pushy like a Rottweiler with a grudge I

don't like those qualities in a woman oh

please

Jer I'm blushing excuse me a minute

dumpling I'll be right back hey where'd

everybody go a visit from Jerry gold oh

that guy's driven way more business than

the stuffed cabbage instead of

seventy-seven if I didn't know what I

know about gold I wouldn't let him in

the door wait a minute fellas you mean

if you didn't know what you know that's

nothing on jelly gold don't hold out on

me last year gold donated ten grand to

the sister Mary Margaret's hot meals at

home program got the info from father

Dell fat kill himself he's the only one

who knows go want some kept quiet leave

this just when you think you know

somebody you're telling me that's

exactly why I don't go to Father

Delvecchio for confession anymore he's

got a big mouth Brown got my show over

next week the women of Noriega I'll be

wearing a surgical mask

Jerry Jerry so convincing this of not

just loudmouth you do so well it's all

an act isn't it what are you talking

about your rather sizable donation to

hot meals at home and don't try to deny

it I heard it from Phil damn boy I'll

never be able to look at you the same

way again I mean I'll always know this

lovely thing would you keep your voice

down

look don't tell anyone okay okay I won't

if you tell me why you made that

donation can it be the Jerry gold

actually has respect for something

respect no let's just say I think their

organization isn't a bureaucratic

belly-flop like every other half-baked

cause out there to save humanity so what

do you respect Jerry what am i respect

nothing now wait a second you know I do

respect something I respect the center

descent yeah it makes good things better

and bad things crumble look there plenty

of you Dudley do-right sout they're

always gunning for the bad guys that's

easy who keeps the good guys in check

who says hey your noble deed is turning

south it happens all the time the French

Revolution Vietnam roots the next

generation

besides I love to catch some pseudo

humanitarian with his shorts down and

you Brown you love it just as much as I

do this is horrifying gold we have

something in common what else have I

misjudged about you why so interested

what makes you think I'm interested well

you're still here this is the first

conversation we never had that didn't

involve the word rotate

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well I gotta go I gotta write my intro

for tomorrow's show yeah I got things to

do too boy this was quite a dick first a

little encounter session we had yeah

you're telling me

listen you wouldn't by chance want to

continue it

you know maybe while we're having some

food or something

what you want to take me to dinner if

anyone saw me having dinner with Jerry

gold it would ruin my reputation

oh I see Brown I didn't realize you were

such a slave to public opinion what is

this some kind of challenge Gold is that

it now you're in trouble okay I'll have

dinner with you

LaRosa's on Water Street tomorrow seven

o'clock

fine fine fine

hi hi sorry what

oh it's okay gave me a chance to soak up

the ambiance

I see they wash the floor must be

somebody's birthday anyway I brought you

this you brought me something what is it

open it

a roadside emergency kit

maybe yuckle can bring flowers in a

first Harry this is not a date I know I

know

I just can't figure out what the hell it

is well maybe if we keep talking we'll

find out okay

question did you think about not showing

up yes

I've got twenty excuses starting with I

have to work and ending with I was

mauled by a honey bear

so why did you show up tough one I guess

I wanted to know if it was really true

that beneath all the obnoxious

subterfuge there's a decent guy you're

not wearing panties are you originality

but I'll give you points for timing as I

like about you brown you can take a hit

and then put it right back over the net

and I'm gonna go on the limb here and

all the time I've known you I've always

found you very attractive in a Nordic

Gentile sort of one

surprised yeah and as long as we're

making confessions here I once had a

dream about you you were never mind

come on let's just say it had something

to do with Amtrak

normally after a train dream I like a

cigarette but I know that bothers you so

let's just order Nick a couple of veal

chops Jerry as long as you're deciding

what I'm eating for dinner

I should clue you in I don't eat veal oh

that's right mr. farmers mean to the

little cows and you and Bob Barker all

upset about how would you like to be

locked in a four foot box from the day

you're born to the day you're started

without brown brown brown brown relax

Nick doesn't even serve veal it was a

joke

oh I got myself a vegetarian but you go

right ahead and eat the flesh of any

little animals you want you gonna take

longer than this dinner to get a handle

on you baby well the angel hair pasta

was good I wonder if they use record on

their manicotti what are we doing here

this is insane look at us a restaurant

chatting a roadside emergency kit this

is really getting scary I know what

should we do I don't know how should I

know

okay we could say we know each other a

little better now finished our dinner

and go on about our lives that's one

choice right that's good that makes the

most sense or we can do this what do you

think

good one

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hi it's me I got your gift a whale with

a little Greenpeace boat yes I see the

little hypocrite in the boat is wearing

leather shoes oh that's four nights in a

row I'm not getting any work done oh

sure

what happened when I tried to work at

your place last night I want that

footage ready so I can go right into

editing

see Frank I'm glad you just walked right

in that knocking business can really

wear out a door yeah yeah all right I'm

all yours so what's going on with you me

nothing I'm just behind on a story

that's what it is that's all oh come on

Murph I know you better than anybody you

haven't been yourself last night in the

parking garage

I saw you skip to your car I'm sorry

Frank I'm just not ready to talk about

it yet

I've still got things to sort out okay

I'll just go then you don't want to talk

you don't want to talk I can accept that

you didn't kill a man did you Murphy

yeah probably not

hey hey sorry guys it's kind of a best

friend confidential type thing I can't

betrayed the trust that Murphy and I

have built up over the years she didn't

tell him I know what it is I just can't

tell you go cut it out you big faker

okay okay fine she didn't tell me you're

happy but I'm gonna find out what's

going on by this time tomorrow I'll have

some answers

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one little Miss Gandhi the language of

international relations is military

might please you just want to keep

stockpiling so that we can annihilate

the world a hundred times over instead

of just 10 or 20 what is it this time

nuclear proliferation

I told you I want no more fights I mean

this is a nice place peaceful and very

loved sorry I called you a neo fascist

Pig that's okay I know you've been is a

compliment

can I have a taste you carbonara well

okay but you know it's got a cream sauce

and you should be watching your

cholesterol oh that's right thanks fun

what do you want to do I wanna check out

that dude gelato place in Georgetown

I don't know why drive all that way when

we can just have cannolis here how about

a movie is still pretty early I've got a

better idea

why don't we rent a tape and just stay

in Brown how do I have the nagging

suspicion that you don't want to be seen

in public with me we're in public now

this is the only place we ever go I

think you're having a problem with the

concept of us okay Jerri maybe I have

been a little secretive about all of

this but you know what that's over if

people can't accept us that's their

problem

I promise from now on things are gonna

be different

Thanks thank you but you're crazy if you

think any you know I have to do this you

are

[Music]

okay everybody I have an announcement to

make

actually that sounds formal I just have

something to say so why don't I just say

it because I'm not ashamed I'm not and I

know you'll understand because you know

as I do that it's the unexpected that

makes life so wondrous and so to just

say it

oh my guess the ships sail on that one

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I'm dating Jerry gold Oh God I don't

want to live anymore

look I know this must seem pretty

strange to you but he's not like we

thought if you could just see him the

way I do sucking on the same strand of

linguini what'd you do follow me of

course I would you that's what I do I

follow people we were worried about you

Murphy with good reason why couldn't you

just be dying okay look you can at least

give him a chance you owe me that much

which is why you're going to come to my

house Saturday night and I'm going to

put out food and Jerry will come and

you'll get to know him you hear me

appetizers at 7:00 dinner at 7:30 for

warmth and joy of true friendship at

8:00 and if you're late I'll kill you

all right yeah these are for you Jerry

he never brought me flowers before I

guess it's a first time for everything

uh come greet our guests no strangers

here you know everybody everybody this

is my Jerry gold look what he brought me

pretty thoughtful huh he does this sort

of thing all the time and thanks sweetie

aw come on

well why don't we sit down sit down

so find a Frank I got your report on the

Peace Corps last week yeah what about it

that was not bad I liked it

most of it you said it really made you

think you did he did well banks had

pretty proud of him

Jerry also said he thought our last few

shows were very well balanced isn't that

how you put it well I don't think those

are my exact words but close enough and

I'd say it was a real compliment to you

miles Thank You Jerry

thank you very much Jerry I happened to

see one of your shows I believe it was

the one on governess who'd like to be

spanked

you'll never guess how he came upon that

story last summer I walked into the

red-light district of Amsterdam and I

see this hole you know talking of Europe

I hear they might have to devalue the

Gilder again that's a shame isn't it

Murphy honey is it ok if I speak

directly to our friends I'm starting to

feel like lek valensa here in the

conversation sorry

no you weren't hogging you were just

finishing my sentences you seem to be

afraid I might say something to

embarrass you in front of your friends

it's not true although you do have a

certain history in that area Hey look

I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing

I'm being a good boy if I wanted to be

myself I would have asked old Sherwood

here hey if a tree fell on the forest

and hit you in the head would you feel

it

a repeat of your performance in that

Chinese restaurant last night when we

ran into Gary Hart and his family Oh

what was I supposed to do when I see the

guy sitting in front of a bowl of rice

ignore it

is that why you blew herb tea out of

your nose you caught me off my guard and

anyway so belligerent me who is it a

cake in a cab in this town because every

driver has her picture on the dash with

a red circle and a line through at least

Michael Jackson me like that's a bad

thing you see the ratings on that show

did you ever get ratings like that oh

well that's just great our first dinner

party over before the appetizer and I

did it all by myself I'm Brown this is

exhausting all my relationships are see

that's the thing Jerry I'm good at a lot

of things but this isn't one of them I

start saying things I don't normally say

doing things I don't normally do

oh god I'm wearing an apron you see what

I mean you know what it felt like for me

to walk into a florist and be asked if I

wanted baby's breath than the

arrangement and hear myself say oh yes

that would be a nice touch

you know what the problem is what we're

too much alike alike

now we're opposites brown

sure we both think the world is screwed

up but deep down you have this annoying

hope for the future

now me I'm a pessimist I don't put much

stock in mankind in the future see

Murphy were opposites I guess this is

where somebody says it was fun while it

lasted I gather too it's your case so I

guess that's my cue

I'll see you around Brown you can keep

the flowers gee thanks oh one more thing

you're not planning to talk about our

momentary loss of sanity are you I'll

eat nails first good

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