Murphy Brown (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 20 - Heart of Gold - full transcript
congressman goes rushing back to his
office with his pants up bachelors
secretary is still in the Xerox room
looking for her blip and then you bake
it at 750 degrees for five hours
hi miles sister Mary Margaret I asked
sister Mary Margaret to join us for a
few minutes before she heads back to the
cabin oh please sit down sister
sister let me just say it was an honor
having you on the show tonight the work
you do delivering warm meals to the
elderly it's truly selfless yeah if I
had nuns as nice as you in high school I
wouldn't be sweating like this now thank
you all so much you've been so kind God
bless you all
the king of trash TV you really roasts
my rump sorry sister Wow
I didn't Murphy Brown our valiant band
of perky Crusaders I saw your white
horses parked out front thought I'd
mosey in and say howdy do and say sister
let me just say you have a television
presence that puts Sally Field in the
toilet gee Jer shouldn't you be out
saving the oil industry from those pesky
environmentalists very good Brown Brown
made a funny well how you doing there
Sherwood ever figure out why people
don't get dizzy when the earth rotates
you know gold if I hadn't hurt my back
reaching into the hamper this morning
I'd ask you to step outside it oh gee
Silverberg i wouldnt want to take
advantage of a guy with a hamper injury
we don't have to sit here and listen to
this let's go I'm starting to feel like
I need a flea dip mr. gold you're a
troubled young man in need of
understanding just remember that God is
smiling down on you and your life will
have meaning
I still think you guys look better in
the penguin suits schmuck
hey Jer that's the way to gift you could
clear cockroaches out of the tournament
so what's wrong with you brown don't you
have some starving wildebeest you've got
to go save I don't scare so easy gold
yeah you know I noticed that your tough
brown must be able to find you what
shrilled
pushy like a Rottweiler with a grudge I
don't like those qualities in a woman oh
please
Jer I'm blushing excuse me a minute
dumpling I'll be right back hey where'd
everybody go a visit from Jerry gold oh
that guy's driven way more business than
the stuffed cabbage instead of
seventy-seven if I didn't know what I
know about gold I wouldn't let him in
the door wait a minute fellas you mean
if you didn't know what you know that's
nothing on jelly gold don't hold out on
me last year gold donated ten grand to
the sister Mary Margaret's hot meals at
home program got the info from father
Dell fat kill himself he's the only one
who knows go want some kept quiet leave
this just when you think you know
somebody you're telling me that's
exactly why I don't go to Father
Delvecchio for confession anymore he's
got a big mouth Brown got my show over
next week the women of Noriega I'll be
wearing a surgical mask
Jerry Jerry so convincing this of not
just loudmouth you do so well it's all
an act isn't it what are you talking
about your rather sizable donation to
hot meals at home and don't try to deny
it I heard it from Phil damn boy I'll
never be able to look at you the same
way again I mean I'll always know this
lovely thing would you keep your voice
down
look don't tell anyone okay okay I won't
if you tell me why you made that
donation can it be the Jerry gold
actually has respect for something
respect no let's just say I think their
organization isn't a bureaucratic
belly-flop like every other half-baked
cause out there to save humanity so what
do you respect Jerry what am i respect
nothing now wait a second you know I do
respect something I respect the center
descent yeah it makes good things better
and bad things crumble look there plenty
of you Dudley do-right sout they're
always gunning for the bad guys that's
easy who keeps the good guys in check
who says hey your noble deed is turning
south it happens all the time the French
Revolution Vietnam roots the next
generation
besides I love to catch some pseudo
humanitarian with his shorts down and
you Brown you love it just as much as I
do this is horrifying gold we have
something in common what else have I
misjudged about you why so interested
what makes you think I'm interested well
you're still here this is the first
conversation we never had that didn't
involve the word rotate
[Music]
well I gotta go I gotta write my intro
for tomorrow's show yeah I got things to
do too boy this was quite a dick first a
little encounter session we had yeah
you're telling me
listen you wouldn't by chance want to
continue it
you know maybe while we're having some
food or something
what you want to take me to dinner if
anyone saw me having dinner with Jerry
gold it would ruin my reputation
oh I see Brown I didn't realize you were
such a slave to public opinion what is
this some kind of challenge Gold is that
it now you're in trouble okay I'll have
dinner with you
LaRosa's on Water Street tomorrow seven
o'clock
fine fine fine
hi hi sorry what
oh it's okay gave me a chance to soak up
the ambiance
I see they wash the floor must be
somebody's birthday anyway I brought you
this you brought me something what is it
open it
a roadside emergency kit
maybe yuckle can bring flowers in a
first Harry this is not a date I know I
know
I just can't figure out what the hell it
is well maybe if we keep talking we'll
find out okay
question did you think about not showing
up yes
I've got twenty excuses starting with I
have to work and ending with I was
mauled by a honey bear
so why did you show up tough one I guess
I wanted to know if it was really true
that beneath all the obnoxious
subterfuge there's a decent guy you're
not wearing panties are you originality
but I'll give you points for timing as I
like about you brown you can take a hit
and then put it right back over the net
and I'm gonna go on the limb here and
all the time I've known you I've always
found you very attractive in a Nordic
Gentile sort of one
surprised yeah and as long as we're
making confessions here I once had a
dream about you you were never mind
come on let's just say it had something
to do with Amtrak
normally after a train dream I like a
cigarette but I know that bothers you so
let's just order Nick a couple of veal
chops Jerry as long as you're deciding
what I'm eating for dinner
I should clue you in I don't eat veal oh
that's right mr. farmers mean to the
little cows and you and Bob Barker all
upset about how would you like to be
locked in a four foot box from the day
you're born to the day you're started
without brown brown brown brown relax
Nick doesn't even serve veal it was a
joke
oh I got myself a vegetarian but you go
right ahead and eat the flesh of any
little animals you want you gonna take
longer than this dinner to get a handle
on you baby well the angel hair pasta
was good I wonder if they use record on
their manicotti what are we doing here
this is insane look at us a restaurant
chatting a roadside emergency kit this
is really getting scary I know what
should we do I don't know how should I
know
okay we could say we know each other a
little better now finished our dinner
and go on about our lives that's one
choice right that's good that makes the
most sense or we can do this what do you
think
good one
[Music]
hi it's me I got your gift a whale with
a little Greenpeace boat yes I see the
little hypocrite in the boat is wearing
leather shoes oh that's four nights in a
row I'm not getting any work done oh
sure
what happened when I tried to work at
your place last night I want that
footage ready so I can go right into
editing
see Frank I'm glad you just walked right
in that knocking business can really
wear out a door yeah yeah all right I'm
all yours so what's going on with you me
nothing I'm just behind on a story
that's what it is that's all oh come on
Murph I know you better than anybody you
haven't been yourself last night in the
parking garage
I saw you skip to your car I'm sorry
Frank I'm just not ready to talk about
it yet
I've still got things to sort out okay
I'll just go then you don't want to talk
you don't want to talk I can accept that
you didn't kill a man did you Murphy
yeah probably not
hey hey sorry guys it's kind of a best
friend confidential type thing I can't
betrayed the trust that Murphy and I
have built up over the years she didn't
tell him I know what it is I just can't
tell you go cut it out you big faker
okay okay fine she didn't tell me you're
happy but I'm gonna find out what's
going on by this time tomorrow I'll have
some answers
[Music]
one little Miss Gandhi the language of
international relations is military
might please you just want to keep
stockpiling so that we can annihilate
the world a hundred times over instead
of just 10 or 20 what is it this time
nuclear proliferation
I told you I want no more fights I mean
this is a nice place peaceful and very
loved sorry I called you a neo fascist
Pig that's okay I know you've been is a
compliment
can I have a taste you carbonara well
okay but you know it's got a cream sauce
and you should be watching your
cholesterol oh that's right thanks fun
what do you want to do I wanna check out
that dude gelato place in Georgetown
I don't know why drive all that way when
we can just have cannolis here how about
a movie is still pretty early I've got a
better idea
why don't we rent a tape and just stay
in Brown how do I have the nagging
suspicion that you don't want to be seen
in public with me we're in public now
this is the only place we ever go I
think you're having a problem with the
concept of us okay Jerri maybe I have
been a little secretive about all of
this but you know what that's over if
people can't accept us that's their
problem
I promise from now on things are gonna
be different
Thanks thank you but you're crazy if you
think any you know I have to do this you
are
[Music]
okay everybody I have an announcement to
make
actually that sounds formal I just have
something to say so why don't I just say
it because I'm not ashamed I'm not and I
know you'll understand because you know
as I do that it's the unexpected that
makes life so wondrous and so to just
say it
oh my guess the ships sail on that one
[Music]
I'm dating Jerry gold Oh God I don't
want to live anymore
look I know this must seem pretty
strange to you but he's not like we
thought if you could just see him the
way I do sucking on the same strand of
linguini what'd you do follow me of
course I would you that's what I do I
follow people we were worried about you
Murphy with good reason why couldn't you
just be dying okay look you can at least
give him a chance you owe me that much
which is why you're going to come to my
house Saturday night and I'm going to
put out food and Jerry will come and
you'll get to know him you hear me
appetizers at 7:00 dinner at 7:30 for
warmth and joy of true friendship at
8:00 and if you're late I'll kill you
all right yeah these are for you Jerry
he never brought me flowers before I
guess it's a first time for everything
uh come greet our guests no strangers
here you know everybody everybody this
is my Jerry gold look what he brought me
pretty thoughtful huh he does this sort
of thing all the time and thanks sweetie
aw come on
well why don't we sit down sit down
so find a Frank I got your report on the
Peace Corps last week yeah what about it
that was not bad I liked it
most of it you said it really made you
think you did he did well banks had
pretty proud of him
Jerry also said he thought our last few
shows were very well balanced isn't that
how you put it well I don't think those
are my exact words but close enough and
I'd say it was a real compliment to you
miles Thank You Jerry
thank you very much Jerry I happened to
see one of your shows I believe it was
the one on governess who'd like to be
spanked
you'll never guess how he came upon that
story last summer I walked into the
red-light district of Amsterdam and I
see this hole you know talking of Europe
I hear they might have to devalue the
Gilder again that's a shame isn't it
Murphy honey is it ok if I speak
directly to our friends I'm starting to
feel like lek valensa here in the
conversation sorry
no you weren't hogging you were just
finishing my sentences you seem to be
afraid I might say something to
embarrass you in front of your friends
it's not true although you do have a
certain history in that area Hey look
I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing
I'm being a good boy if I wanted to be
myself I would have asked old Sherwood
here hey if a tree fell on the forest
and hit you in the head would you feel
it
a repeat of your performance in that
Chinese restaurant last night when we
ran into Gary Hart and his family Oh
what was I supposed to do when I see the
guy sitting in front of a bowl of rice
ignore it
is that why you blew herb tea out of
your nose you caught me off my guard and
anyway so belligerent me who is it a
cake in a cab in this town because every
driver has her picture on the dash with
a red circle and a line through at least
Michael Jackson me like that's a bad
thing you see the ratings on that show
did you ever get ratings like that oh
well that's just great our first dinner
party over before the appetizer and I
did it all by myself I'm Brown this is
exhausting all my relationships are see
that's the thing Jerry I'm good at a lot
of things but this isn't one of them I
start saying things I don't normally say
doing things I don't normally do
oh god I'm wearing an apron you see what
I mean you know what it felt like for me
to walk into a florist and be asked if I
wanted baby's breath than the
arrangement and hear myself say oh yes
that would be a nice touch
you know what the problem is what we're
too much alike alike
now we're opposites brown
sure we both think the world is screwed
up but deep down you have this annoying
hope for the future
now me I'm a pessimist I don't put much
stock in mankind in the future see
Murphy were opposites I guess this is
where somebody says it was fun while it
lasted I gather too it's your case so I
guess that's my cue
I'll see you around Brown you can keep
the flowers gee thanks oh one more thing
you're not planning to talk about our
momentary loss of sanity are you I'll
eat nails first good
[Music]
[Music]
office with his pants up bachelors
secretary is still in the Xerox room
looking for her blip and then you bake
it at 750 degrees for five hours
hi miles sister Mary Margaret I asked
sister Mary Margaret to join us for a
few minutes before she heads back to the
cabin oh please sit down sister
sister let me just say it was an honor
having you on the show tonight the work
you do delivering warm meals to the
elderly it's truly selfless yeah if I
had nuns as nice as you in high school I
wouldn't be sweating like this now thank
you all so much you've been so kind God
bless you all
the king of trash TV you really roasts
my rump sorry sister Wow
I didn't Murphy Brown our valiant band
of perky Crusaders I saw your white
horses parked out front thought I'd
mosey in and say howdy do and say sister
let me just say you have a television
presence that puts Sally Field in the
toilet gee Jer shouldn't you be out
saving the oil industry from those pesky
environmentalists very good Brown Brown
made a funny well how you doing there
Sherwood ever figure out why people
don't get dizzy when the earth rotates
you know gold if I hadn't hurt my back
reaching into the hamper this morning
I'd ask you to step outside it oh gee
Silverberg i wouldnt want to take
advantage of a guy with a hamper injury
we don't have to sit here and listen to
this let's go I'm starting to feel like
I need a flea dip mr. gold you're a
troubled young man in need of
understanding just remember that God is
smiling down on you and your life will
have meaning
I still think you guys look better in
the penguin suits schmuck
hey Jer that's the way to gift you could
clear cockroaches out of the tournament
so what's wrong with you brown don't you
have some starving wildebeest you've got
to go save I don't scare so easy gold
yeah you know I noticed that your tough
brown must be able to find you what
shrilled
pushy like a Rottweiler with a grudge I
don't like those qualities in a woman oh
please
Jer I'm blushing excuse me a minute
dumpling I'll be right back hey where'd
everybody go a visit from Jerry gold oh
that guy's driven way more business than
the stuffed cabbage instead of
seventy-seven if I didn't know what I
know about gold I wouldn't let him in
the door wait a minute fellas you mean
if you didn't know what you know that's
nothing on jelly gold don't hold out on
me last year gold donated ten grand to
the sister Mary Margaret's hot meals at
home program got the info from father
Dell fat kill himself he's the only one
who knows go want some kept quiet leave
this just when you think you know
somebody you're telling me that's
exactly why I don't go to Father
Delvecchio for confession anymore he's
got a big mouth Brown got my show over
next week the women of Noriega I'll be
wearing a surgical mask
Jerry Jerry so convincing this of not
just loudmouth you do so well it's all
an act isn't it what are you talking
about your rather sizable donation to
hot meals at home and don't try to deny
it I heard it from Phil damn boy I'll
never be able to look at you the same
way again I mean I'll always know this
lovely thing would you keep your voice
down
look don't tell anyone okay okay I won't
if you tell me why you made that
donation can it be the Jerry gold
actually has respect for something
respect no let's just say I think their
organization isn't a bureaucratic
belly-flop like every other half-baked
cause out there to save humanity so what
do you respect Jerry what am i respect
nothing now wait a second you know I do
respect something I respect the center
descent yeah it makes good things better
and bad things crumble look there plenty
of you Dudley do-right sout they're
always gunning for the bad guys that's
easy who keeps the good guys in check
who says hey your noble deed is turning
south it happens all the time the French
Revolution Vietnam roots the next
generation
besides I love to catch some pseudo
humanitarian with his shorts down and
you Brown you love it just as much as I
do this is horrifying gold we have
something in common what else have I
misjudged about you why so interested
what makes you think I'm interested well
you're still here this is the first
conversation we never had that didn't
involve the word rotate
[Music]
well I gotta go I gotta write my intro
for tomorrow's show yeah I got things to
do too boy this was quite a dick first a
little encounter session we had yeah
you're telling me
listen you wouldn't by chance want to
continue it
you know maybe while we're having some
food or something
what you want to take me to dinner if
anyone saw me having dinner with Jerry
gold it would ruin my reputation
oh I see Brown I didn't realize you were
such a slave to public opinion what is
this some kind of challenge Gold is that
it now you're in trouble okay I'll have
dinner with you
LaRosa's on Water Street tomorrow seven
o'clock
fine fine fine
hi hi sorry what
oh it's okay gave me a chance to soak up
the ambiance
I see they wash the floor must be
somebody's birthday anyway I brought you
this you brought me something what is it
open it
a roadside emergency kit
maybe yuckle can bring flowers in a
first Harry this is not a date I know I
know
I just can't figure out what the hell it
is well maybe if we keep talking we'll
find out okay
question did you think about not showing
up yes
I've got twenty excuses starting with I
have to work and ending with I was
mauled by a honey bear
so why did you show up tough one I guess
I wanted to know if it was really true
that beneath all the obnoxious
subterfuge there's a decent guy you're
not wearing panties are you originality
but I'll give you points for timing as I
like about you brown you can take a hit
and then put it right back over the net
and I'm gonna go on the limb here and
all the time I've known you I've always
found you very attractive in a Nordic
Gentile sort of one
surprised yeah and as long as we're
making confessions here I once had a
dream about you you were never mind
come on let's just say it had something
to do with Amtrak
normally after a train dream I like a
cigarette but I know that bothers you so
let's just order Nick a couple of veal
chops Jerry as long as you're deciding
what I'm eating for dinner
I should clue you in I don't eat veal oh
that's right mr. farmers mean to the
little cows and you and Bob Barker all
upset about how would you like to be
locked in a four foot box from the day
you're born to the day you're started
without brown brown brown brown relax
Nick doesn't even serve veal it was a
joke
oh I got myself a vegetarian but you go
right ahead and eat the flesh of any
little animals you want you gonna take
longer than this dinner to get a handle
on you baby well the angel hair pasta
was good I wonder if they use record on
their manicotti what are we doing here
this is insane look at us a restaurant
chatting a roadside emergency kit this
is really getting scary I know what
should we do I don't know how should I
know
okay we could say we know each other a
little better now finished our dinner
and go on about our lives that's one
choice right that's good that makes the
most sense or we can do this what do you
think
good one
[Music]
hi it's me I got your gift a whale with
a little Greenpeace boat yes I see the
little hypocrite in the boat is wearing
leather shoes oh that's four nights in a
row I'm not getting any work done oh
sure
what happened when I tried to work at
your place last night I want that
footage ready so I can go right into
editing
see Frank I'm glad you just walked right
in that knocking business can really
wear out a door yeah yeah all right I'm
all yours so what's going on with you me
nothing I'm just behind on a story
that's what it is that's all oh come on
Murph I know you better than anybody you
haven't been yourself last night in the
parking garage
I saw you skip to your car I'm sorry
Frank I'm just not ready to talk about
it yet
I've still got things to sort out okay
I'll just go then you don't want to talk
you don't want to talk I can accept that
you didn't kill a man did you Murphy
yeah probably not
hey hey sorry guys it's kind of a best
friend confidential type thing I can't
betrayed the trust that Murphy and I
have built up over the years she didn't
tell him I know what it is I just can't
tell you go cut it out you big faker
okay okay fine she didn't tell me you're
happy but I'm gonna find out what's
going on by this time tomorrow I'll have
some answers
[Music]
one little Miss Gandhi the language of
international relations is military
might please you just want to keep
stockpiling so that we can annihilate
the world a hundred times over instead
of just 10 or 20 what is it this time
nuclear proliferation
I told you I want no more fights I mean
this is a nice place peaceful and very
loved sorry I called you a neo fascist
Pig that's okay I know you've been is a
compliment
can I have a taste you carbonara well
okay but you know it's got a cream sauce
and you should be watching your
cholesterol oh that's right thanks fun
what do you want to do I wanna check out
that dude gelato place in Georgetown
I don't know why drive all that way when
we can just have cannolis here how about
a movie is still pretty early I've got a
better idea
why don't we rent a tape and just stay
in Brown how do I have the nagging
suspicion that you don't want to be seen
in public with me we're in public now
this is the only place we ever go I
think you're having a problem with the
concept of us okay Jerri maybe I have
been a little secretive about all of
this but you know what that's over if
people can't accept us that's their
problem
I promise from now on things are gonna
be different
Thanks thank you but you're crazy if you
think any you know I have to do this you
are
[Music]
okay everybody I have an announcement to
make
actually that sounds formal I just have
something to say so why don't I just say
it because I'm not ashamed I'm not and I
know you'll understand because you know
as I do that it's the unexpected that
makes life so wondrous and so to just
say it
oh my guess the ships sail on that one
[Music]
I'm dating Jerry gold Oh God I don't
want to live anymore
look I know this must seem pretty
strange to you but he's not like we
thought if you could just see him the
way I do sucking on the same strand of
linguini what'd you do follow me of
course I would you that's what I do I
follow people we were worried about you
Murphy with good reason why couldn't you
just be dying okay look you can at least
give him a chance you owe me that much
which is why you're going to come to my
house Saturday night and I'm going to
put out food and Jerry will come and
you'll get to know him you hear me
appetizers at 7:00 dinner at 7:30 for
warmth and joy of true friendship at
8:00 and if you're late I'll kill you
all right yeah these are for you Jerry
he never brought me flowers before I
guess it's a first time for everything
uh come greet our guests no strangers
here you know everybody everybody this
is my Jerry gold look what he brought me
pretty thoughtful huh he does this sort
of thing all the time and thanks sweetie
aw come on
well why don't we sit down sit down
so find a Frank I got your report on the
Peace Corps last week yeah what about it
that was not bad I liked it
most of it you said it really made you
think you did he did well banks had
pretty proud of him
Jerry also said he thought our last few
shows were very well balanced isn't that
how you put it well I don't think those
are my exact words but close enough and
I'd say it was a real compliment to you
miles Thank You Jerry
thank you very much Jerry I happened to
see one of your shows I believe it was
the one on governess who'd like to be
spanked
you'll never guess how he came upon that
story last summer I walked into the
red-light district of Amsterdam and I
see this hole you know talking of Europe
I hear they might have to devalue the
Gilder again that's a shame isn't it
Murphy honey is it ok if I speak
directly to our friends I'm starting to
feel like lek valensa here in the
conversation sorry
no you weren't hogging you were just
finishing my sentences you seem to be
afraid I might say something to
embarrass you in front of your friends
it's not true although you do have a
certain history in that area Hey look
I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing
I'm being a good boy if I wanted to be
myself I would have asked old Sherwood
here hey if a tree fell on the forest
and hit you in the head would you feel
it
a repeat of your performance in that
Chinese restaurant last night when we
ran into Gary Hart and his family Oh
what was I supposed to do when I see the
guy sitting in front of a bowl of rice
ignore it
is that why you blew herb tea out of
your nose you caught me off my guard and
anyway so belligerent me who is it a
cake in a cab in this town because every
driver has her picture on the dash with
a red circle and a line through at least
Michael Jackson me like that's a bad
thing you see the ratings on that show
did you ever get ratings like that oh
well that's just great our first dinner
party over before the appetizer and I
did it all by myself I'm Brown this is
exhausting all my relationships are see
that's the thing Jerry I'm good at a lot
of things but this isn't one of them I
start saying things I don't normally say
doing things I don't normally do
oh god I'm wearing an apron you see what
I mean you know what it felt like for me
to walk into a florist and be asked if I
wanted baby's breath than the
arrangement and hear myself say oh yes
that would be a nice touch
you know what the problem is what we're
too much alike alike
now we're opposites brown
sure we both think the world is screwed
up but deep down you have this annoying
hope for the future
now me I'm a pessimist I don't put much
stock in mankind in the future see
Murphy were opposites I guess this is
where somebody says it was fun while it
lasted I gather too it's your case so I
guess that's my cue
I'll see you around Brown you can keep
the flowers gee thanks oh one more thing
you're not planning to talk about our
momentary loss of sanity are you I'll
eat nails first good
[Music]
[Music]