Murphy Brown (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 12 - Why Do Fools Fall in Love? - full transcript

( doo-wop scatting)

♪ Ooh-wah, ooh-wah,
ooh-ooh-wah, ooh-wah ♪

♪ Why do fools fall in love? ♪

♪ Why do birds sing so gay? ♪

♪ And lovers await
the break of day? ♪

♪ Why do they fall in love? ♪

♪ Why does the rain
fall from up above? ♪

♪ Why do fools fall in love? ♪

♪ Why do they fall in love? ♪

♪ Love is a losing game ♪

♪ And love can be a shame ♪



♪ I know of a fool, you see ♪

♪ For that fool is me ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah... ♪

Morning, Jim.

How are you today?

Just fine.

How about yourself?

Are you settling

into this crazy place all right?

It's just like you to ask.

I really appreciate it.

As a matter of fact, Jim,

I, um, have a little
something for you.



It's... it's just my
way of saying thanks

and happy early Valentine's Day.

( ding)

Oh, thank you, Leslie.

Quite thoughtful.

Oh, Frank!

Come on over. Leslie's bringing

a little Valentine's
spirit to the office.

Frank loves chocolate.

Oh, great. What have you got?

Uh, actually, I only brought

the one box... for Jim.

Oh.

Okay.

Well...

I'm sure Leslie

expected me to share.

I, uh, can't eat those...

hard centers stick in my teeth.

Thanks.

Work to do.

You guys...

you won't believe
what just happened.

Jackie just broke up with Miles.

He's headed this way, and
he's really depressed about it,

so be very careful
what you say to him.

Especially you, Frank.

Hello, everyone.

Oh, Miles.

You brave little soldier.

Try not to let this nightmare
destroy your self-esteem.

Do you have any hobbies?

Hey, Miles, I'm really sorry

about what happened.

If you ever want to talk,

you know I'm here.

Same goes for me.

Good luck.

I'll never meet
anyone like Jackie.

We used to talk about
buying a little farm in Virginia,

maybe raising chickens.

What world was I living in?!

Come on, Miles. I know it's
tough, but you can't give up.

It's never easy for any
of us to meet women.

Frank, I have a
friend named Meg.

She's got the hots for you.

Here's her phone number.

Oh, geez...

Morning, Leslie.

Hi. Messages on your desk,

and I confirmed your lunch date.

Great, thanks.

I love your
style... hit and run.

What's going on here?

It's called dating, Frank.

Call the woman,
don't call the woman.

Just leave me out of it.

Well, why can't she
get her own dates?

What is she, one of those

passive-aggressive, victimized
women who hate men?

They know her by name
at the free clinic? What?

You know, Frank, it amazes
me that you ever date at all.

Not that I care... it's just
that I find it fascinating

that you have time
to date any woman

who's in this country
on a temporary visa,

but when you have a shot
at a quality relationship...

What are you trying to say?

Are you trying to say that I
have a fear of commitment?

I have been dealing with that in
therapy for the past three years.

Three years with
the same shrink.

If that isn't commitment,
I don't know what is.

You're right, Frank.
You life is perfect.

A lot of happy men I know
spend Saturday nights

deciding what to wear
to work on Monday.

Let me ask you something.

How would you feel
if I tried to fix you up

with somebody you'd never met?

I'd be flattered you thought
of me, and I'd trust your taste.

Okay, then I've
got a great idea.

I'll go out with your friend,

if you go out with one of mine.

We'll double.

Oh, sure.

The last time I went out
on a fix-up was in 1978

with the assistant
secretary of agriculture.

He spent the entire evening

telling me how to
make a compost heap.

Oh, this is good. It's
okay for you to fix me up,

but when the shoe's on
the other foot, well, hmm...

Miles, I'm not abandoning you.

I just have to help
Murphy for a minute.

I think you should
listen to Frank.

We women have only so many years

we can play hard to get.

Time's up, Murphy.

Go on the date.

Don't do it.

It's better to live out the rest
of your years alone and safe

than to feel like a piece of
disgusting garbage rotting in the gutter.

Come on, Murph,
I'm willing to risk it.

What's this pal's name?

All right. I'm gonna
make some calls.

There are a couple of
very good possibilities.

I'll keep you posted.

Frank, not the guy

whose underwear
sticks out of his pants.

Hello.

Hi, Jim.

I have something for you.

You do?

Mm-hmm.

I saw it in the store,

and I thought of you.

Oh, thank you.

Brass paperweight.

I can't "wait" to use it.

Would you like
to go out for drinks

one night after work?

Yes.

Perhaps.

Won't you excuse me?

Hello, Murphy.

Hi, Jim, how's it going?

Leslie wants me, and I like it.

Oh, gee, Jim.

I don't know what to say.

She knows I'm married,

and she's still coming
on to me, Murphy.

Small gifts, flirtatious
looks in the hallway,

and then the next thing I
know, I'm in the Xerox room

running off 50 copies of my
hand in hopes of a chance meeting.

Don't you have a family
priest or someone?

I'm sorry.

This was a mistake.

I should never have opened up.

Let's chat about sports
while I regain my dignity.

Jim, you're only human.

Flirting's okay.

It doesn't have to go anywhere.

But if it makes
you uncomfortable,

tell her face to
face it's got to stop.

Ah, yes.

Do the right thing.

I always do the
right thing, don't I?

Hi.

And the part left over

is where butter comes from.

Just leaving, Frank.

Good-bye.

So, we're all set.

I called one of my friends.

I, uh, don't want to
jinx this or anything,

but I think you're
gonna really like this guy.

I know him from the club
where I play sax on weekends.

He plays bass.

Really? What's his name?

Richie.

Richie...

A grown man named
Richie? What is that, Frank?

Tell me more about Meg.

What does she do?

She's a lobbyist.

Great, she has passion.

Favorite movie?

Murmur of the Heart.

Mine, too.

Okay, now I'm
gonna ask the biggie.

Her parents are dead.

I'm in love.

Okay, my turn.

This Richie character...

Where is he from? I don't know.

What's he do? I'm not sure.

How long have you
known him? A week.

I'm not going, Frank.

( stammers): Come
on! Richie is a great guy.

And besides, aren't
you always talking

about how you'd like to date
a regular guy for a change?

( sighs): Okay, you're right.

What am I so worried about?

It's just one night.
It could be fun.

Great. Just don't say
he looks like Don Knotts.

He hates that.

Just kidding.

Hi.

Hi.

Great outfit.

Thanks. Nice sweater.

Thanks.

Almost 7:00.

Yeah, I guess
they'll be here soon.

Yeah. Nervous?

No. You?

No.

( ding)

( both sighing)

You know, Frank, I was thinking.

We should probably
have a code phrase,

in case either one
of us doesn't hit it off

with our date and
we want to call it short.

What'd you have in mind?

Uh, if I want out, I'll say,
"I hate my dry cleaner."

Okay, I'll say, um,

"I got ripped off on my
new steel-belted radials."

But, you know, I've got kind
of a good feeling about this.

My closest friend, who
knows me better than anyone,

is fixing me up
for the first time.

This could be important, Murph.
It could turn into something.

I mean, maybe
Meg is... "the one."

Or maybe it's
just a date, Frank.

Maybe there's no
significance to it at all,

except it's a way
for four good friends

to spend the evening together,
and there's no pressure on me

to provide you
with a mate for life.

Why did I do this?

( ding)

Meg, hi.

Richie, hi.

Hi, Murphy.

Hi, Frank.

Meg, this is Frank. Frank, Meg.

Uh, Richie, this is
Murphy. Murphy, Richie.

Hi, Frank.

Hi, Meg.

Hi, Murphy.

Hi, Richie.

So, Murphy's told
me a lot about you.

Uh, you like foreign films.

Tell me, um, have you ever been

to that little theater
over in Georgetown?

Well, Frank's told me,
uh, nothing about you.

Except you play bass.

Good. Nothing to live up to.

Or live down.

( laughs)

I'm gonna get this right
out of the way up front.

I'm not good at blind dates.

So I wrote this
history of myself.

It's the Reader's
Digest version.

This way, if you don't
want to be out with a guy

whose hobbies are synchronized
swimming and metallurgy,

you'll know right up front.

"Pet peeves: lima beans

and people who don't pull
forward in gas stations."

We have a lot in common.

Where do you stand on gelato?

So, Murph, Richie,
you two ready to go?

Go? Oh, right, sure, let's go.

You know, Frank, I found
a wonderful dry cleaner.

I got a great deal on my
new steel-belted radials.

I really like the first cut

on that new Chick Corea album.

My dentist says I
need a root canal.

PHIL: Hey there, Murphy.

Hey, Phil. Frank.

Hi, Phil. Looks like you really

went all out for
Valentines Day, huh?

Well, it's always been
sort of a special day to me.

It's Phyllis' and my
wedding anniversary...

41 years.

Oh-ho! Congratulations.

That's terrific. Gee, Phil,

shouldn't you be with her?

Oh, we have this little
tradition we like to follow.

She'll call me in a few minutes.

Her name will be Rita.

Something's wrong
with her furnace,

and her husband's out of town.

I'm Hank.

And I come over
with my little tool kit,

only to find her
scantily clad...

Phil, that's okay.
We get the idea.

41 years is a
hell of a long time.

You got to do something.

I think you're
gonna like this place.

They have got great burgers.

I love a good burger, don't you?

I haven't eaten
meat in three years.

I'm going to the ladies' room.

Would you care to join me, Meg?

Yes, I would.

Would you excuse us?

Jim, hi.

Leslie, hi.

Hello, Murphy.

We're going to the ladies' room.

What do you mean, it's a no?

He's nothing like I expected.

What are you talking about?

You've only known
him five minutes.

How could you
already not like him?

Did you see his shoes?

Of course. What was I thinking?

How could I have set you up

without showing you a
picture of his shoe rack?

Murphy, you know
what I'm talking about.

It's the little things that
can drive you crazy,

like how his ears are redder
than the rest of his head.

The way he laughs
after every sentence.

Now, I could never
live with that laugh.

I hate this, and it's not fair.

You begged me to set...

I didn't beg you.

Begged me.

Now, he's a good guy,

and I can tell he
really likes you.

I want you to give him a chance.

Okay, okay.

I will.

Thank you.

What's another evening of pain?

I've had so much
in my life already.

That's the attitude.

Hi, we're back.

I guess you can see that.

( laughs)

So, Richie, you're a high
school music teacher.

Tell me about that.

Actually, it's kind of a funny
story how I got into teaching.

I'd like to hear it. And Meg,

maybe you could tell
Frank about that book

you just read. Oh?

I read Wings To the Sun.

Fascinating thesis
on group behavior.

Oh, gee, I don't know. So,
how did you get into teaching?

I thought it was pretty pessimistic...
Oh, after my senior year.

You must have misread
it. I had a rock band,

It's a realistic account of
life and we were traveling

cross-country when our
van broke down. in the '80s.

FRANK: I didn't see anything

realistic about it. Uh,
excuse me one second.

Um, you know, I
forgot to mention

that Frank is a great cook.

Frank, tell Meg what happened
that time with your pasta-maker.

This is hilarious. I
mean, if you want realism

you should read One Flew
Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

So tell me more about when
your car broke down outside...

Now that is one
terrific book. Oh, right.

I have to disagree... It was by
a cowboy bar. And at that time...

It's the most overrated
novel of the century.

Uh, Meg, it's not
the most overrated.

Oh, you're kidding, aren't...?
I, I mean, the powerful concept

that everything in life
doesn't have to be ordered.

Well, it's like jazz.

You like jazz?

He loves jazz.

I hate jazz.

Well, you just haven't
heard it played right.

Frank plays the saxophone,

and he is really good.
I mean, really good.

I think I'll go to
the men's room.

Want to come, Frank?

No.

Oh, come on.

I don't have to.

Just come on, will ya?

( whispers): Excuse me.

Hi, Jim.

Hi, Leslie.

Hello, Frank.

Well, ma'am, how long is your
husband gonna be out of town?

What are we doing in here?

We need to talk.

I didn't know
where else to do it.

Besides, women always go to
the bathroom to talk. Why can't we?

When I want to talk to a
guy, I don't go in a bathroom.

I go outside, throw
a baseball around.

Sorry, I didn't bring my glove.

Okay, just hurry. What?

She hates me, Frank.

She's spending the whole
evening talking about you.

Get out. She's crazy about you.

I think she's just
trying to cover for Meg.

Do you believe that woman?
She's got an opinion on everything.

No wonder she's a lobbyist.

I'd sign anything just
to get her to shut her up.

Will you forget about
you? Give me some advice.

How do I get it going out there?

Don't worry about it. I'll
say something to Murphy.

No, then she'll think I
said something to you.

No, she won't. Women know
guys never talk in the bathroom.

Should we go back out?

No, I think it's
a little too soon.

What should we do?

Let's wash our
hands and count to 50.

I am not too much
of a perfectionist.

I'm just choosy.

You should talk.

Poor Richie.

What are you talking
about? I like Richie.

It would be nice if we
had one minute together

so I could find
out his last name.

Hi, Murphy.

I hope we're not
interrupting anything,

but we just need a
little bit of your time.

Oh, hello. Corky Sherwood.

Meg Reynolds.

And this is Miles Silverberg.

Miles wants to call Jackie.

Don't you think that
would be a huge mistake?

Corky, I don't think we
should be bothering them.

Oh, God, I feel like
there's a hot knife

sticking in my heart.

Oh, hi, Frank.

Hi, Corky.

Hi, Miles.

We're on a date.

I know.

We're not staying.

Murphy, could I talk to you a
minute? Uh, it's about work?

What can I say?

A reporter's day never ends.

Be right back.

What is it, Frank?

Look, Murph, I
don't want to criticize,

but I think you should
spend a little less time

jumping into my
conversations with Meg

and a little more
time talking to Richie.

Frank, I'm going
to level with you.

It might not be going
well between Meg and you.

Wow, what a bulletin.

I suppose what I'm
trying to tell you, Leslie,

is that, while your
fascination with me

has moved me more than you know,

if we go any further than this,

I wouldn't be able
to live with myself.

But there's no reason
in this whole darn world

why we can't be friends.

Ah.

I see.

You want to be friends.

After you eat my chocolates,

accept my gifts,

torment me, day in and day out

with the unspoken promise
of a passion so intense

that our flesh can
barely contain it?

I've got news for
you, Mr. Office Gigolo.

Somebody is finally saying no

to your twisted
little sexual game.

You make me sick!

I quit!

Good night, all.

Another one of your set-ups?

Look, let's just get
this date over with

and get through the night, okay?

Next thing I know,
I'm in this cowboy bar.

There's a piano, and I
wind up playing there.

That is so... She
never understood me.

It's because of

my deep-seated
competitive nature

and my drive to succeed.

Have you ever read

Neurosis and Human
Growth by Karen Horney?

It's really an incredible book.

Excuse me, everybody.

Corky, I think this is my chair.

Murphy, can I talk
to you for a minute?

No.

Come on. A minute.

I know what you're
gonna say. It's okay.

You don't like Frank. He
doesn't like you, either.

And this is why I said
from the very beginning...

I want you to set
me up with Miles.

Miles? What are
you talking about?

He's ten years younger than you.

So what?

Don't you think he's got
the cutest little rear end?

No. I don't look
at his rear end.

Come on!

You work side-by-side
with him every day,

and you never noticed
what a sexy little guy he is?

Is there something
in the water here?

I can't take anymore of this.

Everybody, I have an
announcement to make.

There are too many
people on my date.

Miles, this isn't The Love Boat.

Snap out of it.

Oh, don't worry about me.

Maybe I'll just interrupt a
game of darts with my face.

Meg, Frank, work it
out between yourselves.

Get married and have 40 kids,

kill each other
in the parking lot.

I'm out of it.

I'm sorry, Frank. I guess
this isn't going to work out.

I think this is where we say

"Someday we'll look
back on all this and laugh."

I hate your laugh.

Miles, are you hungry?

What?

Hungry... she asked
you if you were hungry.

I know a great little Italian
restaurant over on M Street.

Would you care to join me?

What?

Join her... say yes!

Yes.

Great, let's go.

Richie, would you
like to go somewhere...

Just you and me?

Fun and laughs.

Murphy, I don't think
this was meant to be.

Frank warned me up front

that he had to rope
you into this date.

No, he didn't. Not that much.

Really, I don't mind if you
just want to say good night.

I'll just finish

my conversation with Corky.

If that's all right with you?

Oh, yes.

You don't mind, do you, Murphy?

No.

Good night, Frank.

Bye, Murphy.

Can you believe how
this all worked out?

Happy Valentine's Day.

It took about an hour's worth
of planning to set up the date.

Another half hour to
decide what to wear.

A special trip to the cleaners.

I wore my lucky bra.

Over in 15 minutes.

( sighs)

Frank, why do you keep
looking over the top of my hair?

Go.

Thanks, Murph.

Excuse me.

You're Murphy Brown, aren't you?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

I thought so.

I had a bet with my girlfriend.

You told me Stephanie
was your sister.

Because I think of
Stephanie like a sister.

Anyone who keeps
photos like that

of their sister is a sick mind.

You know, Felicia, you
got a real jealousy problem.

I do not.

Excuse me, what's going on here?

Who's she?

Murphy... somebody.

I can't think when I'm upset.

Murphy Brown.

This is my house.

Oh, you're the one.

So, listen, snowflake,

how come you're
always finding little tasks

to keep Eldin coming over here?

I don't mean to be rude, but
this hasn't been my best day.

If this is how you want to spend
Valentine's Day, go somewhere else.

I know I had other plans.

So did I.

I hate it when we fight.

Especially on St.
Valentine's Day.

Baby, I'd pour
turpentine in my eyes

before I'd ever look at
another woman again.

God, you look great in overalls!

♪ Why does the rain
fall from up above? ♪

♪ Why do fools fall in love? ♪

♪ Why do they fall in love? ♪

♪ Why does my heart
skip a crazy beat? ♪

♪ For I know it
will bring defeat ♪

♪ Tell me why, ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ Why... do fools ♪

♪ Fall in love? ♪

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