Murphy Brown (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 13 - Soul Man - full transcript

( "Soul Man" intro plays)

♪ Coming to you,
on a dusty road ♪

♪ Good loving, I
got a truckload ♪

♪ And when you get it,
huh, you got something ♪

♪ So don't worry,
'cause I'm coming ♪

♪ I'm a soul man ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I'm a soul man ♪

♪ I'm a soul man ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ I'm a soul man ♪



♪ And that ain't all... ♪

Damn.

Hey, Jim.

I just want to thank
you again for...

Is Murphy in?

Not yet.

I want to thank you
again for inviting me

to the Dunfries Club.

I'm so psyched about tonight

that I don't even
mind wearing my tux.

Now, listen, I just
got to make sure...

Hey, Jim. Wha...?

Is Murphy in?

All clear.



Thanks again for inviting
me to tonight's dinner.

It's gonna be some treat
listening to Red Bishop.

True American hero.

Earned a Silver Star on
the beaches of Normandy.

The man sat at Kennedy's elbow
during the Cuban missile crisis.

Can you imagine the
stories that guy's gonna tell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now what about Ted Williams?

Jim, you said he
was gonna be there.

You said, "Yes, there would
same dessert cart as last year

and, yes, Ted
Williams will be there."

You're kidding. Ted
Williams is gonna be there?

The Splendid Splinter.

The greatest hitter
to ever play baseball,

and I am finally gonna
get a chance to meet him.

Way to go, Jim!

All right! Whoo!

Uh, uh, Jim, come on,
now, see if you can penetrate

this defense here.

Here we go.

Oh, Murphy, hi.

Hello, Murphy.

How you doing?

I see we're all excited

about our big
evening, aren't we?

And why shouldn't we be?

Red Bishop is one of

the great storytellers
in Washington.

Ted Williams is
going to be there.

And I hear the dessert
cart is better than sex.

Well, you all have a good time.

Don't worry about my feelings.

I can take it... I guess.

Now, Murphy,

you know there's a reason
why I didn't invite you.

Yes, "the reason."

I bet they have apple brown
Betty on the dessert cart.

I really love apple brown Betty.

It's just not fair.

Murphy gets to do commentary.

Frank gets to do commentary.

Why can't I?

Because I don't think
there's much of a story

in where you stand
on people with fat pets.

It's a heartbreaking
problem, Miles.

Did you know that given a choice

a dog will eat itself to death?

So would my Aunt Esther.

I don't see you
worrying about her.

So, guys, in nine
hours and counting,

we'll be swapping stories
at the Dunfries Club

with Red Bishop.

Heard Ted Williams
is gonna be there, too.

How about that, huh?

Boy, it's gonna be
a great evening, Jim.

( clears throat)

Frank.

Scott.

Murphy. Murphy!

You're here.

Someone could have told me.

You look nice today.

Love those little
things you got there.

Earrings, right?

Miles is going, too, huh?

Murphy, you know the
Dunfries Club is for men only.

And they have great
dinners with great guests,

and I don't get to
go for one reason,

and one reason only,

and it has to do with something
you've got and I don't...

A tiny, pathetic,

little "Y" chromosome.

Murphy, I think you're making

too big a deal out of this.

It's just a club.

Oh, pipe down, Miles.

That's just what I'd
expect you to say.

You male.

What are you yelling at me for?

You're not even in
this conversation.

Oh, yes I am.

Every woman in this
room is in this conversation.

And we're not leaving
until we get what we want.

What do we want, Murphy?

We want to know why you're
defending the Dunfries Club?

You're not even a member.

Yet he gets to go tonight.

He who still needs a street
map to find the White House.

Well, I'm sick of it.

It's the last men-only
club in Washington,

and it's time somebody
broke the sex barrier.

WOMAN: Way to go! That's right.

Jim, you've been
a member for years,

they respect you.

I'm counting on you
to get me in tonight.

Oh, now, hey, come on.

You know I can't do that.

Why not? What
goes on at that club

you don't want women to see?

What do you guys do in there...
Some kind of jockstrap dance?

( women laughing)

Be careful, Jim,
they're turning on us.

Murphy, you're putting me
in a very difficult position.

Look, I'll make it
up to you. I promise.

I'll take you to lunch
tomorrow. My treat.

Dinner?

All right, you can do the
newsbreak tomorrow night.

Aw, come on, Murph.

Sorry, Jim.

This babe can't be bought.

WOMEN: All right, Murphy! Whoo!

JIM: Frank, welcome.

I don't see him.

He didn't show, did he?

He's here, inside
talking to Studs Terkel.

Ted Williams is here? Really?

Oh, man, this is so great.

Now, Frank, I don't
want you bothering him,

hounding him for an autograph.

Right, right.

But take this little camera,
and if you happen to see me

standing there with
my arm around him...

Hey, you should see
who's inside there.

It's like a who's
who of Washington.

Dan Quayle's telling
knock-knock jokes to the bartender.

And Sam Donaldson's yelling
at the washroom attendant.

I wish Koppel
wouldn't invite him.

Excuse me, coming through.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Hi, guys.

Murphy, what are you doing here?

There's a party, and
I decided to show up.

Hi, Lucy. Where's Ethel?

Murphy...

we've been through
this many times.

You cannot be here.

I'm not leaving.

You're not allowed in the club.

I'm already in the club.

No, you're not.

The club is through
there. You're in the foyer.

We're in the foyer?

This looks too
nice to be a foyer.

Is this a trick?

No. We're in the damn
foyer. Now, go home.

I'm going in that club,
Jim. I'm going right now.

You aren't on the guest list.

But my date is.

Aren't you, Miles?

What?

Come on, give me your arm.

Why me?

Because you didn't
go through the '60s,

and you need something
to tell your grandchildren

besides how you
once made a wrong turn

on Constitution Avenue

and wound up in
a gay pride parade.

Good evening.

I'm Terrence Mueller,
manager of the Dunfries Club.

Come on, Miles.
Let's go find our seats.

May I help you?

No, thanks. I'm with Jim.

No, she isn't. Her car
broke down outside,

and she needs
to call a tow truck.

Uh, here's a quarter, Murphy.

I'll, uh, catch
you at the office.

Nice try, Jim.

But boy, I'm hungry.

What's for dinner?

This is all very amusing,

but I'm sure you must be aware
of our policy regarding women.

I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.

Gentlemen, if
you'll all step inside,

dinner is about to be served.

Go ahead, everyone.

I'll be right in.

You're on your own, Murphy.

I'm going inside
before Willard Scott

eats my shrimp cocktail.

Now, come on, Mr. Mueller.

You seem like a reasonable man.

Would $50 and Jessica
Hahn's phone number do it?

Ms. Brown, I know
you have a reputation

for doing this sort of thing,

but your behavior
is very inappropriate,

and I'm beginning to find your
attitude extremely offensive.

Perch and rotate.

Excuse me, I'm going inside.

Okay. Okay, fine.

I don't have to
hang around here.

I have better things to do.

But I want to tell
you something.

I think you're petty.

I think you're small.

And your zipper's down.

Ha! Made you look.

Oh, Murphy, I
just have to tell you

I think you're incredible
to take a stand

the way you did last night.

Yeah, me and Custer.

You know, I was only five

when the women's
movement started,

but you've inspired me, Murphy.

Tomorrow, I just might
leave my bra at home.

( men whooping, cheering)

Will our work never end?

Hello, Murphy.

May I speak with you?

Of course. Come on in, Jim.

Murphy,

about the little fracas
at the club last night...

I-I-I know, Jim, it
was a stupid stunt.

I apologize for
crashing your party.

I guess emotions were
running high on both sides.

You know, I realize
there's a much saner way

of handling the situation.

I want to join the
Dunfries Club.

Oh, that's rich, Murphy.

There's nothing in the bylaws

that says a woman
can't become a member.

It's just that no woman ever
had the guts to apply before.

All I need is a
member to sponsor me.

Will you do it?

( laughs): Oh, sure.

Right after I take
off all my clothes

and sing "Rhinestone
Cowboy" in the Capitol Rotunda.

Well, thanks a lot.

I thought we were friends.

I thought we were supposed
to be there for each other.

I guess not.

Now, now, wait just a minute.

I've been there for you plenty.

Perhaps you've forgotten

how I fought to get
you on this show.

The network didn't
want a woman anchor,

but I flew to New York,
and I convinced the brass

that you were up to the job,

and I lost my favorite
pair of gloves in a taxi,

and they still haven't
reimbursed me,

the cheap sons of B's.

Jim, it's wrong for
the Dunfries Club

to exclude women.

It isn't a public place, Murphy.

No one's being deprived
of work or equal pay.

This is about tradition.

It's about continuity.

It's about milk
in glass bottles.

It's about service stations

with men in uniforms, who
cleaned your windshield

and gave you a
set of steak knives.

Murphy, I can't
sponsor your application.

And out.

We're into commercial.

Take a minute to relax, people.

Uh, Tommy,

could you shift that light?

It's in my eyes.

Now it's in mine.

Fine. Whatever she wants.

You know, the
more I think about it,

the more angry I get.

Why shouldn't women
be allowed in a men's club?

Guys are wearing earrings.

They're getting face-lifts...

Corky, are you wearing a bra?

Get a life, Frank.

Come on, Frank. You
support me, don't you?

I don't know what I'm
supposed to do anymore.

Do I pull out the chair?
Do I open the car door?

Do I pick up the check,
or do I offer to split it?

And I don't know what the hell
to do about crying in a movie.

Am I right, guys?

( men murmuring approval)

I support you, Murphy.

She ought to be
allowed in that club.

She ought to be allowed
to go anywhere she likes.

She's a beautiful person.

And, one day...
she'll be my bride.

Will you knock it off, Carl.

It's a private club.

They should be able to
do whatever they want.

I agree.

Let them have their
place, we'll have ours.

No way! When you
keep people out,

it's like you're discriminating.
I'm with Murphy.

You're always with Murphy.

So what?

So, I'm sitting home
alone every Saturday night.

How come you never ask me out?

'Cause you got a big mouth.

JIM: This is just great.

You've involved everybody
in our personal dispute.

You're the most bullheaded
person I've ever met.

And you're elitist.

You always have to
make a point, don't you?

Yes, I do, Jim. And
here's another point.

You apologize for that. Make me.

You know, this is just like you.

You're the most inflexible
person I've ever known.

You're always pushy,

you're always
upsetting the apple cart...

Coming back in
five, four, three, two...

Welcome back.

Murphy Brown joins us now.

Hi, Murphy. Hello, Jim.

You've just gotten back
from Massachusetts.

That's right.

I spent a day with
Governor Michael Dukakis.

Yes, the man who
would be President.

A very interesting politician.

Quite a fellow.

I first met him...

We started our
day in Brookline...

Excuse me. Sorry.

We started... I first...

Please.

We started our
day over breakfast,

talking politics.

And what strikes me, Jim,

is that this is a man committed
to making government work.

You have to like his gumption.

Michael Dukakis...
He's a fighter...

My fault.

You were saying?

No, please, go ahead.

Are you sure?

Yes, please continue.

I was just going to say
he's a dogged competitor,

stronger, perhaps,
even in defeat.

That's right, Jim.

Down, but not out.

I'm finished.

Michael Dukakis had hoped to be spending
this time in Washington, setting up shop...

What are you doing here, Eldin?

It's almost midnight.

I know, but I got a
sudden inspiration.

I said, "This lady needs a
skylight in her bedroom."

Oh, no, Eldin.

I didn't ask for a skylight.

I don't want a skylight.

Well, it's too late,

because I already cut the hole.

And I gotta finish it tonight,

because the weather
forecaster says rain,

and if you sleep on your
back, you could drown.

You're working for
Diane Sawyer, aren't you?

She hired you to drive
me crazy, and it's working.

You know, you've got to
get this men's club stuff

out of your system.

You're losing your
capacity for joy.

It's not worth it.

I've been to the
Dunfries plenty of times,

and it's not that great a place.

Wait a minute.

You're a member
of the Dunfries Club?

No way!

I tiled the steam room.

Big deal. Bunch of rich
guys sit around naked.

Although, I must admit

it was a comfortable
way to lay tile.

( knocking)

Now what?

I'll get it.

Hello.

Jim, what are you doing here?

I know it's late,
but I had to talk.

I'll stay out here.

No, please, come in.

I want to apologize

for my behavior
on the air tonight.

It was unforgivable.

No, no, please, Jim, I really
feel rotten about all of this.

Our friendship
means a lot to me.

Don't you have something to do?

No.

I just had to come over
here and talk things through.

Murphy, can I tell you a story?

It's sort of personal.

Sure, Jim.

Anybody want any coffee?

Not for me.

No, thanks.

Good.

When I was ten,

the Randall boys built
this wonderful tree fort.

All the boys in the
neighborhood would go there,

and they'd climb the rope
ladder and hang out all afternoon,

but they wouldn't
let me up there.

Why not?

Sarah Bettinger.

We were in sixth grade

and Butch Randall
had a crush on her.

She was tall and striking.

The first to, well, "blossom."

Anyway, one afternoon, I was
carrying her books home from school.

On the bridge, I kissed her.

Butch saw me do it.

He was incensed.

And he never let
you up in the tree fort.

No.

But then he never
kissed Sarah Bettinger.

Still, I... I never knew

what it was like to have
a special place like that.

That's what the Dunfries
is for me, Murphy.

It's my tree fort.

Can you understand that?

Yeah, but what
happened with the chick?

I'll have some
coffee. I'll have tea.

It was just getting
good... coffee...

You know, I've got
my own story, Jim.

When I was ten years
old... The very same age...

A bunch of boys
in my neighborhood

had a baseball team.

And more than anything,
I wanted to play on it.

Well, I finally got up
the guts to try out...

and they cut me.

They said I threw like a girl.

Well, you know me.

I practiced the whole winter,

and the next spring,
I gave it another try.

What happened?

I got in,

because they
gave me a fair shot.

And I would've played, too,

if something else
hadn't gotten in the way.

What?

Puberty.

Sliding headfirst hurt.

( chuckling)

What are we going
to do about this, Jim?

Do you have the
application here?

Aw, thanks, Jim.

Thanks very much.

You know, just because
I'm sponsoring you,

doesn't mean you're in.

You still have to face the
membership committee.

The odds of approval
are slim at best.

Especially since David
Brinkley thinks you're a putz.

I'll take my chances.

You always do.

JIM: I still can't believe it.

It took me three tries to
get into the Dunfries Club.

Well, Jim, you just have
to be a little resourceful.

A few phone calls,
a little digging.

Some of your board members

have quite a few skeletons
in their closets. Hmm.

Dirty pool, Murphy.

Wish I had thought of it.

MURPHY: Well, this is it.

It's time to boldly go where
no woman has gone before.

Mr. Mueller.

Boys.

Will you just go in, Murphy?

Hello.

Is it cold in here,
or is it just them?

I suppose they're going to
need some time to adjust.

No one's very happy
about using club dues

to buy a Tampax
machine for the restroom.

Maybe I should, um, maybe I
should introduce you around.

Jim, I earn my living talking to

mercenaries, slumlords,
and crime bosses.

This will be like a walk
through the Easter parade.

Okay, I'll be at the bar.

Hi.

You're Anthony Clemens.

You're arguing that
child custody case

before the Supreme Court.

Yes, and you're Murphy Brown...

the woman.

Hi.

Nice club you've got here.

Hello, I'm Murphy Brown.

I'm new here.

I know. I'm Bert
Wilson, Club Chaplain.

Ah, the chaplain.

Well, I never thought
I'd see the day

when a woman would
be accepted in here.

Ha. Well, I guess
there's time for everything.

No, there isn't.

I don't like it.

It's a dark day.

You've desecrated our
home and ruined our lives.

Not going so well?

No.

Don't let it throw you.

They're really good boys.

I should know.

I've been around
here for over 45 years.

You'll do fine.

Oh, gee, thanks.

You know, I'm beginning to
feel more at home here already.

Let me give you a tip.

Appearance is
very important here,

so what do you say I put a
nice polish on your shoes?

Oh, oh, no, thank you.

Bitch.

So how are you faring?

Great. Any minute now, I'm
going to be elected social chairman.

Miss Brown, I'm not
the type to mince words,

so I'm just gonna
say it to your face.

I don't want you here,

and I don't care if I'm
the only one who doesn't.

Obviously, you haven't
been paying attention.

Now, hold on, Jack.

Like it or not, she's a
member of this club,

and I think you should show her

as much respect as you show me.

Cram it, Dial.

Maybe if you showed
some backbone

and stood up to her,
she wouldn't be here.

Oh, is that right?

The fact is, if you measure
right to membership in courage,

and integrity, and
sheer professionalism,

this woman has more right
to be here than anybody.

I've spent more time with
her than with any of you.

And I can tell you she's as
good a reporter as you'll ever find,

and a good friend,

and she shoots a damn
fine game of billiards, to boot!

And I'll step outside with
anybody that says otherwise...

Right here, right now...

MAN: Sit down!

Who said that? Who said that?

Jim, why don't we
go look at the library.

You people really tick
me off, you know that?

Tick me off!

Our board approved
her, I approved her,

and if that's not good enough,

then I guess you'll
all just have to leave!

JIM and MURPHY: ♪ ...And your
life is filled with much confusion ♪

♪ Until happiness
is just an illusion ♪

♪ And your world around
is crumbling down ♪

♪ Darling, reach out ♪

Come on, girl,
reach on out for me

♪ Reach out ♪

Just look over
your shoulder, baby

Because

♪ I'll be there ♪

♪ With a love that
will shelter you ♪

♪ I'll be there... ♪

BARTENDER: Hey, hey!

You two gonna
keep this up all night?

We close at midnight.

It's after 1:00.

Well, let's see.

Why don't we ask
the club president?

Madam President,
what do you think?

Should we extend our hours?

Why don't we take a
vote among all our officers.

All those in favor of
extending club hours, say aye.

Aye. Aye.

It's unanimous.

New hours.

I'll have another soda, please.

Here.

Knock yourself out.

How are you feeling, Jim?

I feel good.

Like I knew that I would.

Seriously...

I took your tree fort away.

Well, everything changes.

Usually for the better.

I guess sometimes I wonder
about a person who gets into her 40s

and she's still pushing
her way into everything,

upsetting all the apple carts...

and wondering whether
it's worth the fight.

Just who are you talking about?

Somebody else.

Okay, I've got one.

♪ She's gets too hungry
for dinner at eight ♪

♪ She loves the theater
but never comes late ♪

♪ She never bothers ♪

♪ With people she hates ♪

♪ That's why the
lady is a tramp. ♪