Mrs. Brown's Boys (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Mammy - full transcript

Hahahahaha!

Ladies and gentlemen...

welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.

What's wrong with you, Granddad?

I haven't slept for three days.

Hello!

I'm just doing a bit of cleaning.

I'm just about to take a break.

God, I say cleaning like
it was a hobby. It's not.

Shut up, you feckin' mutt!

I... I'd better feed him. Hold on.



Here, Spartacus!

When I... Jesus, I never
opened the feckin' thing!

Here, Spartacus!

I had six children I reared on my own
and they weren't as much trouble as you!

Where was I? Oh, yeah...

cleaning!

Well, it's not as
if it goes unnoticed.

I had Father Quinn round
the other day...

he took one look at the house
and said,

"Mrs Brown,
yourself and God keep a lovely home".

I said "Thank you, Father"
but I'm thinking,

"You should see it when
God has it on his own!"

I feel like I've
always been cleaning.

When I was 18, I married his son,
Redser Brown,



because of a condition I had...

called pregnancy.

The next day, I started cleaning.

Hiya, Mammy! Hello, Cathy, love.

Ah! Granddad looks peaceful.

Doesn't he! Hahaha!

Heading out on the big date, love?

It's not a big date, Mammy.
It's just a quiet drink.

Quiet drink! That's what all men say.

They think vodka's a lubricant
to get your knickers off easy.

You may laugh, but I tell you, one minute
you're sipping Piney Coladies, next...

your legs are up in stirrups with the doctor
shouting, "Don't push till I tell you!".

I'll keep that in mind, so!

You do that. Ah, why do I bother?

Right, I'm off! Do you want
a cup of tea before you go, love?

No, Mammy. Sure, I'm running late.

Don't be breaking your neck,
he'll be feckin' late as well.

Did Daddy always come late?

That's none of your feckin' business!

See you later!

Cathy, love!
Yes, Mammy? You look fantastic!

Thanks, Mammy.

Keep them on!

I... I'm not just a cleaner.

I have a market stall as well.

I sell fruit and vegetables. I
suppose I'm a business woman! Ha ha ha.

I don't like customers
who come and just poke.

They come and maul your fruit without
any feckin' reason whatsoever.

I say to them, "Missus,
that's a banana, not a willy..."

".. it won't get bigger
if you squeeze it!"

Hahaha! Hahaha!

There goes Happy Feet!

I better go in and see what's
happening in the North Pole.

Hello, Dermot, son.

Hello, Mammy.
What are you promoting this week?

Chocolate biscuits.
Oh, lovely...

what kind?

Kit Kats!

Dermot, love...

quack, quack, quack, quack!

What's wrong, love? Why are you
such a sad little penguin?

You're not in trouble
with the law again, are you?

No, Mammy, it's Maria.

Ah, the lovely Maria.
We've broken up.

Bitch! Never liked her!

What did she do?
She's not a bitch, Ma.

And she didn't do
anything, it's just... Yes?

.. to be honest Mammy, I'd rather
not talk about it right now.

I understand...

so what happened?

Mammy! I'm not talking about it!

Fine...

Do you want a cup of tea?
No, I'm only on a quick break.

Well, if it's only a quick break, you
should slip into the fridge and relax!

Hahahahaha! Slip into the... Hahaha!

It's very late to be studying.
Hi, Mammy.

I can't sleep,
worrying about Dermot and Maria.

Cathy...

you amaze me the amount of work and persistence
you put into everything you feckin' do.

And I know I'm biased...
you're my only daughter

.. but the man who gets you will be...
he'll be the luckiest man on earth.

Not bad for a widow bringing
up a girl on her own, hey?

Am I right?

Sorry, Mammy?

Nothing, it doesn't matter.

Cathy, what am I going to
do about Dermot and Maria?

Mammy... it's best if we all just butt
out and let them sort it out themselves.

What do you want, Granddad?

I don't feel well.

You're 92, you're not
supposed to fuckin' feel well!

Mammy! What?

Maybe he really is sick.

Don't take any chances.
Call the doctor!

A doctor? At 80 euro a visit?!

He's no health insurance.
At least he's insured for a funeral.

Mammy!

Fine. I'll call the doctor.

This is all because of his
feckin' budgie! His budgie?

Found him dead today.

Well, he must be upset.

He's at that age, love.

His budgie dies,
he's sure he's going to be next.

With a bit of buckin' luck!

It's a sharp pain across
the shoulders and down the spine.

How long has he had it?
Not him... ME!

Mrs Brown,
I'm here to examine Granddad.

You're wasting your time with him,
he's fucked.

Only a matter of time,
isn't it, Granddad?

Am I dying?

Yes... Friday!

What's wrong with him, anyway?

I'll have to run some tests.

Tests! More feckin' money!

I'll need a sample of his urine,
and a sample of his stool.

What'd he say?

He wants your underpants.

Granddad, I need you to close
your mouth when I put it in.

Hahahahaha!

He's never heard that before!

I'm afraid I'll have
to do a rectal reading.

Ooh!

Can you help me?

With buckin' pleasure!

Come on, Granddad!

The doctor has a surprise for you!

Oooooh! Ooh hoo hoo!

Would you like a cup of tea, Doctor?

I wouldn't mind another one
of these. It's in the kitchen.

Hahahahaha!

I'll get you a cup of tea, Granddad.

I wish you could see it
from this side!

You look like a big buckin'
toffee apple.

Oooooooh!

Granddad! What are you doing there in
that state? Come on... fix yourself!

Now, sit down.

No!

Granddad! Come on, sit down.
No! No! No!

Arrrgh!

Now...

.. now, Granddad,
isn't that much better?

Granddad! Hahahahaha!

What are you doing?

Come on, Granddad. Now
we're going to play Treasure Hunt!

No, Mrs Brown. I'm afraid it's gone.

Gone?! I'm not paying for that!

Now, wait a minute... er, gone?

Arrgh!

Is that bad? Is that dangerous?

Get him to hospital today.

We'll explore the cavity then.

Explore the cavity! What?

He's going potholing!

Goodbye, Mrs Brown.
Goodbye, Doctor.

Now you've heard of
"Doctor Dolittle"...

there goes "Doctor Do-Fuck-All"!

You're going to hospital, Granddad...

and you're not coming fuckin' back.

Mammy. Yes, love?
Did you see me Psychology magazine?

I left it down here last night.
No and if you left it on that chair,

it's probably up his arse!

Arse like a buckin' Dyson he has!

Cathy, there has to be something
I can do about Dermot and Maria.

Mammy...

.. as I said, we all need to just
butt out. I want to be involved...

I want to be a leader!
Like your man in Iran,

'Mock Mood Momamma Jibbidi
Get It Back Up Again'.

Mammy, of all people
you stay out of this. I mean it.

Promise me you won't interfere.

OK!

Me? Interfere?

Biscuit, Maria? Thank you.

Ah, I cut the edges off
so they fit in the mug.

Oh. I see.

So, Maria, why are you torturing my
son?

Excuse me?

Well, you've obviously
done something to upset him.

How can we make it right?

Maybe if you apologise?

Me? Apologise?

That's the spirit, love!

Mrs Brown, I have no idea what Dermot
has told you about what's going on, but...

maybe I should say I'm sorry
all right, sorry I ever met him,

sorry I allowed myself to fall in love with him
and sorry I ever got involved with his family.

And sorry that he has to put up with
such a domineering matriarch as you!

I was hoping for something shorter!

Dermot, you're home, just in time. Maria has
something she wants to tell you. You have?

Yeah! I hope you and your mother
will be very happy together!

Keep it short! Keep it short!
Now get stuffed!

Do you want a cup of tea, love?

What the hell happened here, Mammy?

What the hell happened?
She came here, sat down,

nibbled the biscuits and dunk...

I don't know what to...

She meant... What is this side...
So she...

I'm here... Oh, yeah, wuzzah...
And she said...

Don't you muck! Eh!

Ohhh! Zem! Nice! You keep away!
Uzzah!

It's no wonder you dumped her!

I didn't dump HER. She broke up with
me, because I wouldn't move in with her.

Leave home? Yes!
She wants us to move in together.

It's far too early for that!

I'm 33.

Exactly!

Mammy, I wish you'd stay
out of things and for once...

mind your own business!

You are my business!

I'm... your mother...

Awww.

It's a man in a fuckin' dress!

Here, Cathy...

I believe your date was a disaster.

I wouldn't say that, Winnie!

You're better off, Cathy.

Men, preverts!

They all look for one thing,
and don't need a com-pass!

Will you stop it, Mammy!
He wanted to go out and have a talk.

Oh, a talk... yeah!
Talk about doin' it!

Mammy...
Hold on, where's me handbag?

Feckin' hang on.

Me tablets are in it.

Mammy, my date was not a disaster!

Well, when are you seeing him again?
I'm not.

Disaster!

My Sharon's got herself a new...

yoke.

Boyfriend, Mrs McGoogan.
I've met him and he's very nice.

One of the usual weirdos
Sharon picks?

Actually he's a gentleman.
Gentleman, Betty?

And what would you call a gentleman?
I dunno.

Opens the door for you? Mmmm. Takes
your coat off when you go in?

Mmmmm. Pulls the chair out
when you go to sit down. Aye!

Dirty bastard!

That's all put on!

He just wants to
play hide the sausage!

Will you stop it, Mammy.

Not all men are sex maniacs!

Yes, they are!

They are! Aren't they, Winnie?

Only last year, me and Winnie went to
that film festival, The "Cock-a-Coh".

Uh, what's the one with the...

the motorbike and the swords and..

Radiator! Gladiator! The Graduate!

We looked great with
our Liverpool hairdos.

I had mine like Cilla Black,

she had hers like fuckin' Ken Dodd.

We went to that picture house and
were only five minutes there...

Five minutes... sitting down.

I can't... I can't say it!
I'm too embarrassed. You tell them.

Well, this..... fella came over and
sat beside Winnie, right beside her.

Right beside me! Right beside her!

Five minutes later,
what's he do? What's he do?

He takes his willy out... Out! Out!

Oh, my God.

The dirty bastard!...

Winnie says to me,
"Look, look Agnes!"

Well, I glanced...
I only feckin' glanced!

Oh, my God! What?
He was playing with it!

Poor Winnie was disgusted.
I was disgusted. She was disgusted!

Well, why didn't you move?
We couldn't move!

He was using Winnie's hand.

I'm only joking, Winnie!

Oh, Jesus!

Well, here...

.. it's because of weirdos like him
that I carry this.

Jesus!

Jesus Christ! What's that?

It's a Tazer gun. If it was me he sat beside, I'd
give him one jab of this and he'd be electrocuted.

And she wonders why
she can't get a man.

Vibrators!

I beg your pardon, Winnie?

Well, nowadays, that's what
the women do get, them vibrators!

Shut the buck up, Winnie!

Honest, Agnes, they do!

I think I might get one meself!

Well, make sure you get
one that takes diesel!

Can you imagine her with a vibrator?

"Winnie, are you coming
to Bingo on the bus?

"No, I'm on a vibrator!"

Hahahaha!

Oh, Winnie,
stop that feckin' dirty talk!

Hello? Yes? Is that Out Patients?

I'm enquiring about Mr Brown.

Brow-we-nuh.

.. Up his arse, that's him, yes.

Very generous? Why, what did he do?

Nurse, is he near you? Put him
on the phone will you, please?

For God's sake, feckin' eejit.

Hello Granddad. Yes, did you fill
out a form there this morning?

Yeah. What did you tick off on it?

Kidneys...

heart...

liver...

that was a donor form!

No, it wasn't
the feckin' breakfast menu!

Well, you go back to her and make sure
you get all the bits you went in with!

I swear that man is getting
feckin' worse every day!

Mammy? What?

I really enjoyed those few
drinks we had last night!

You had enough of them! Yeah, one more
vodka and I'd have been under that table!

One more pint of cider and I'd
have been under that buckin' barman!

You wouldn't, would you, Mrs Brown?
Don't be ridiculous, Betty!

It's so long since I had sex, I can't
even remember who it is that gets tied up!

Here, we'll miss the shops.

You all right, Cathy? Yeah!

Mammy...

keep an eye on me Tazer
for me will you, it's charging.

When the red light goes out,
plug it out.

Red light out, plug out.
Cathy love...

.. what am I going to do about
Dermot and Maria?

I think you've done enough.

I have an idea. Cathy, you're
training to be a psychologist.

Why not give them counselling?
Counselling?

That's not a bad idea, Betty.
No, no, Cathy!

I'll talk to Maria.
I'll see you later, Mrs Brown.

See you later, Betty.
Cathy, Cathy love. Wait a second!

We need to talk about this!
You can't just...

Cathy! Cathy, love!

You're not even qualified to feckin'
counsel for God's sake! Cathy!

Cathy, for God's sake!

Hello?

Hello? Hell, hell, hello?

How do you do, do, do, do do?

No, there, there's no O'Brien here...

you have, have
the wr... wrong number.

Are you fucking deaf?!

Oh, hello, Father Quinn!

Hm! Counselling?
No counselling in my day.

You must be joking. If me and your father
had problems, we couldn't run to a counsellor!

No way, Jose!

We'd sort it out ourselves, like
adults! Into a room on our own...

and I'd knock the shite out of him.

We didn't need a counsellor...

We needed a buckin' referee!

Well, we're nearly
ready to get started.

Oh, don't mind me.

I'm just a fly on the wall,
a fly on the wall.

Bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz.

Bzz, bzz, bzz.

Tss, tss, tss.

I think everybody would be more
comfortable if you weren't here.

It's a pity everybody
doesn't pay the buckin' rent!

All right Mammy,
but please... don't interfere.

Fly, wall, me.

Bz.

OK then, let's begin...

Badges!

You never gave us our badges!

Badges?

We're all meant to have badges.

You know, "My name is Agnes
Brown. I'm a lunatic!"

No, Mammy. You don't get badges.

You're meant to get badges.

You don't, Mammy,
and that's the end of it!

Fine... you forgot the badges.

Maria, what do you...

I have stickers upstairs!

We could use stickers and a marker
and write the names on.

Mammy, please!

I'm only trying to
help you out of your badge situation.

I DON'T HAVE A BADGE SITUATION!

Well, obviously, because you
don't have fuckin' badges!

I did not forget the badges,
we're just not having badges.

Badges would be pointless in this
situation, because we don't need them!

Cathy, calm down...

.. you're making something
out of nothing!

Dermot, you don't need a badge.
Maria, need a badge?

No, I don't need a badge.
Fuck the badges!

Maria...

what do you think
started all of this? Well...

Miss! Miss!
Mammy, is this you not interfering?

No, it's Sooty in his nude!

I just want to say this is Dermot's
home. Dermot should go first.

Mammy, it doesn't matter who goes
first. Then start with Dermot.

No, Mammy, I will not
start with Dermot.

Now, if you don't mind,
there's a system for doing this.

Is there? Yeah! Well, how come
it doesn't matter who goes first?

I beg your pardon? You can't have "system" and
"doesn't matter" in the same feckin' sentence.

Imagine if that was the
system for landing airplanes?

And the pilot coming in to land says,

"Excuse me captain... captain...

"whatever your name is,
cos we've no fuckin' badges."

"Are the wheels down?

"Oh, it doesn't matter!"

That wouldn't that be a nice way for the
Hoolihans to start their two weeks in Fuengerola!

Do you know what, Mammy? What?

You do this every time.

Ah, don't exaggerate, I never
flew an airplane in me buckin' life.

You mess everything up when
I try to do my own thing!

You're getting paranoid. Am I? Yes!

Well, what about Teddy Brannigan?

Teddy Brannigan?

That was a long time ago. Yes, it was,
but you still remember it, don't you?

Oh, I remember, all right.

You were sixteen years of age!

Not a titty to your name.

I was going to get you glasses so people
would know which way you were facing!

The neighbours used to say, "Here
comes Cathy Brown with the two backs".

Teddy Brannigan used to go up and down
our road at two o'clock in the morning,

"Neeeeow, neeeeeow, brrm."

If he got a motorbike,
he'd be dangerous!

And you, running behind
him with your helmet on you!

I was in love!

Love, my arse! What would you know
about love at sixteen?

Especially to a thug like that.

Oh, Mammy, if you had your way,
I'd never get a man!

It'd help if you'd
stop electrocuting 'em!

I saved you!

You saved me?
Don't try and thank me now!

I'm not thanking you. I don't know
what you're talking about!

You wouldn't have been happy!
Well, I'm not happy now, so there!

You should talk to yourself
and leave them alone!

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ,
yourself!

You won't even let me...

This is a waste of time! Is it?

Mammy, it's not just
Teddy Brannigan, is it?

No man I ever meet will be
good enough for you, will they?

Where did I leave my violin?

I'm going to me room.
Go to your room... Oh, Jesus!

How could you do that?

How could you beat your mother?

I brushed off you!

You beat me! Oh, my Jesus...

It's gone dead!

It's gone dead, look, it's
feckin' dead! Look it's feckin'...

Oh, Cathy, I can't turn left!

It's spreading... Oh!

Jesus Christ, I've gone blind!

Cathy! I'm going! Is she still there?

This is ridiculous!

Cathy! Cathy, wait!
Cathy, please...

Cathy, let me explain!

Cathy...

Cath...

Don't bring me up
them feckin' stairs!

You saw that, now. I was minding
my own business

and she feckin' attacked me!

This is because she
forgot the feckin' badges.

I tell you now, if Jesus Christ appears
to me and asks me to sacrifice a child...

she's fuckin' gone!

Well, I feel much better after that.

So do I.

I'm so sorry, Maria.

No, Dermot, look I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have made a big deal
about us moving in.

Yes, you should!

You were right, Maria.

You mean you want us
to live together?

On one condition. What?

Will you marry me, Maria?
Oh, yeah I will.

Right!

Let's go down to Foley's
and tell everyone! Haha!

I thought that went well. Yeah, Mammy,
it did, it was a great idea. Thanks, love.

I'll get you a cup of tea.

I swear that man thinks
I'm on a feckin' bungee rope!

What do you want now?

'I think I'm dying!'

Yeah? Well,
call me when you're sure.

Go up and see what's wrong with
him will you, Cathy?

Tell him if he doesn't behave, I'll
come and take his temperature!

Cathy!

Here, love, that's for you.

What's this?

Encyclopaedia Britannica.

It's a phone number.

Yes, it's Teddy Brannigan's
phone number.

You know I don't like gossip, but
I was down at me yoga classes and...

.. I was levitating
beside Mary Matthews and...

she was talking
about Teddy Brannigan.

His wife shagged off on him, left him
with two young kids, two years ago.

It's not easy on your own with young
children, and I know that. And I...

I thought a phone call
might cheer him up.

You know you get a phone call
sometimes, "Hello?

"Oh, Jesus I'm cheered up!"

Anyway that's his number...

Thank you, Mammy. You're welcome!

I mean it, Mammy.

Really.

Thank you.

I know you do.

That... that's what we do, love...

mothers...

that's what we feckin' do.

That's it, I suppose, you know. I'm
not a cleaner, or a businesswoman.

I'm a mother.

And, and that's what we do. That!

He's still a buckin' thug!

Who are you talking to, Mammy?

Nobody. Just meself, you know.
Nobody important.

Goodnight.