Mrs. Brown's Boys (2011–…): Season 0, Episode 0 - A Wonderful Mammy - full transcript

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

MRS BROWN LAUGHS

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown

# Oh, Mrs Brown. #

APPLAUSE

Hello!
AUDIENCE: Hello!

LAUGHS

These are the last of the Christmas
cards, the ones that arrive late -

you know, the ones that you get from
people who you sent a card to



but forgot to send you one?

Yeah, I know you're at home going,
"We know who they are."

I have great fun with
Christmas cards.

See this one, for instance,

"Dear Agnes, long time no see.

"David has grown so much since you
saw him last and is in college now."

That's nice!

"Love from Joyce and Henry
and David."

Now let me tell you what's
unusual about that.

Every year I pick a random name
out of the phone book

and I send them a Christmas card!

I don't even fuckin'
know who David is!

LAUGHING

It takes two weeks to get
an appointment with Dr Flynn



and then, as soon as you see him,
what does he say?

"Why didn't you come to me sooner?"

You wouldn't want to have a
disease, would you?

Hello, Mrs Brown.

Speak about diseases.

Hello, Buster. Hello.

Any news?

Ah, I won me first
cage fight last night.

Really? Yeah, that budgie didn't
know what hit him.

LAUGHING

The budgie didn't know!

You're not fuckin' joking, are you?

He put up a good fight.

What do you want, Buster?

Remember I said that
I wanted to do a test

to make sure I really was
Blister's father?

Yes, and I told you to just
listen to your heart.

I did listen to my heart.
Good man. And what did it say?

Boom boom, boom boom, boom boom.

Anyway, I bought a home-testing
kit at the pharmacy.

You bought or you "bought"?

"Bought." Mm.

I done everything it said
and I sent it away.

And?

I got the results back this morning.

I can't bear to read it.
Oh, give it to me.

So, what does it say?

You don't have colon cancer.

Right, so does that mean that
I really am Blister's father?

Yep, there's no doubt.

Thanks, Mrs Brown.

Hello, Buster.

Hello, Mrs McGoogan!

Just call me papa!

Hi, Agnes. Hi, Winnie, love.

Cup of tea? Nah.

You're looking much better.

Oh, thanks.

I tell you, the surgery really
took it out of me.

That's what surgery does, love,
it takes something out of you!

MRS BROWN LAUGHS

Take it? Oh.

Just the very man!

Dr Flynn, how long do I have
to wait after me surgery

before I can have...

..sex?

Mrs McGoogan, that's the only time
I've been asked that question

by someone who's just had
their tonsils out.

Doctor, never mind her.
How's Grandad?

He's said the headaches
are getting worse.

I can't find anything wrong
with him, Mrs Brown.

It could be because of the drink.

Why don't you come back
when you're sober?

I've ordered some tests but they
won't be done until after Christmas.

You hardly want him
in hospital for Christmas.

I'll get them done straight away.

Morning, Dr Flynn.
Ah, good morning, Cathy.

Hello, Cathy.
Hello, Mrs McGoogan.

Good morning, Cathy, love.
Do not speak to me!

She's not happy.
She's just annoyed with me.

She says I'm too nosy.
She said that?

No, no, I read it in her diary.

Sharon hasn't got a diary.

She keeps men's names in what
she calls her little black book.

Firemans one, two and three.

Hello. Hello, Mark.

Oh, I have something for you.
Oh, lovely.

Nothing would satisfy him
more than delivering these himself.

Here. Oh, thank you. What are these?

Two tickets for my school play.
I'm playing George Bailey.

Who? It's A Wonderful Life?

Oh, Mr Potter, you gotta
give me a loan,

just a small loan! You just gotta!

I wouldn't miss this for the world.

Come on, you, Daniel Day Lewis,
off to school with you.

Oh, Bono?

Yeah? Come here.

Now, here. You get yourself
something nice in the break.

Thanks, Granny.

Mrs Brown, what did I ask you?
Don't be giving him money.

I'm his granny,
I'll do whatever I fuckin' like.

Sometimes I think he's
better off with no granny.

Coming, Mark?

You go on, I want to have a
quick chat with Mammy.

Oh, Winnie, that's your cue.

Huh?

MOUTHING

Well, some friend you are!

Cup of tea, son?

No, thanks, Ma.

So, what's up?

We don't know what to get
you for Christmas. Try cash.

No, Ma, that's too impersonal.

We were going to, er, get
you a surprise.

A surprise! What would it be?

It would be a surprise.

Oh, Mark, don't be wasting your
time. You won't surprise me, son.

Oh, really? Yes.

We'll see. And you'll be
getting nothing

if you don't do what Betty
asks about Bono.

The cheek of her saying that he'd
be better off with no granny
rather than me!

Maybe she's right. A-ha.

Maybe we all would.

I heard that!

"Maybe we all would,
maybe we all would..."

He... He doesn't feckin' mean that.

So I'm lying there, still groggy
already, then the anti-tit-tits...

Anaesthetist.

Yeah.

He says, "I want you to count
backwards from 20."

Jesus! Do you think I could
remember what came after 19? 18.

Well, I know that now!

Next thing, I wake up
and I don't know where I am.

You're in the hospital.

Well, I know that now.

Are you taking the piss, Agnes?

Winnie, I've heard your story
so many times

I can perform the fuckin'
operation meself.

Only I'd take your tongue as well.

Would you now?
Well, some friend you are.

If that's what you call
friendship, Agnes Brown,

I'd be better off having no friend.

Winnie, for God's...

Winnie, for God's sake, will you...?

SIGHS

Did you upset my mother?

It's nothing, Sharon, she'll be
fine. Give us a pint of cider.

Well, that was a bit of a
hullabaloo.

What? Oh, yeah, whatever,
she... she'll be fine.

Having a bad day?

Bad? The worst.

Me daughter's not speaking to me,
me daughter-in-law hates me,

me son says he'd be better off
if I wasn't his mother,

and now me best friend thinks she'd
be better off having any friend

or no friend rather than me.

Oh, dear!

Did you ever have a day where you
just wish you weren't born?

Well, maybe I could help you
find out, if you like.

What? I'm an angel.

Fuck off!

No! Seriously.

Well, I'm an angel in training.

Sure you are.

Thanks, Sharon.

Sharon, who's your man?

Who?

Your man beside me.

She can't see me.

Who, Mrs Brown?

Sharon, can you not see that fella
standing beside me?

What the hell are you talking about?
Him!

Do you want anything else?

Packet of crisps.

Salt and vinegar.

I dropped me change.

So you think you're an angel? Yeah.

With no wings?

Angel in training!

And I've been sent to let you see
what life would be like

if you hadn't have been born.

And hopefully I'll get my bell.

Your bell?

You're a leper?

No! Don't you know?

Every time a bell rings,
an angel gets his wings.

So if this all works out,
you get your wish and... voila!

I get my wings.

LAUGHS

Voila! Voila, he gets his wings.

There must be a fuckin'
full moon out tonight.

Listen...

There you go. They're on the house
and, er, merry Christmas.

Thanks, Sharon.

Mr Foley, where's Sharon?

Who? Sharon McGoogan.

I don't know her.

Sharon McGoogan!

I said I don't know her!
Security! Security!

Sharon McGoogan, Sharon McGoogan!

You get your hands off me.
Sharon McGoogan! I'll be back!

THUD

I'll go round the back door.

I don't know what you want, but if
you don't go away I'll Taser you.

No, you won't!
TASER CRACKLES

Agh! Cathy! Me nipple!

That's only on half power.
I'll put it on full power

if you don't go away,
you horrible woman.

What's wrong with you, Cathy?

There's nothing wrong with me,
missus, and my name is Pamela,

so you obviously have the
wrong house.

No, I don't.

Argh!

Will you...?

Will you stop with that
fuckin' thing?!

Who is it, Pamela, darling?
Who's out there?

Some woman, Mummy! "Mummy"?

"Mummy"? I'm your mammy!

TASER CRACKLES

I swear, I will shove that up
your...

Can I help you, madam?

Hilliary, what are you doing here?

I'm Pamela's mother.

What? I am Mrs Brown.

CRACKLES

She's dead.
THEY GASP

GROANING

For fuck's sake.

She's coming round, I think.

No, no, dead to the world, I meant.
You know, she just fainted, like.

She's probably drunk.

Are you all right, dearie?
Where am I?

Oh, Mark, thank God
it was all a dream.

Hey, back off, missus.

Now, Keith, don't be so rude.

Keith?

Yes! He's my eldest son
and this is Keith's wife, Charlene.

Charlene?

Do sit down.

I'm sorry, what's your name?
I'm Hilliary, Hilliary Brown.

Agnes.

Agnes...

..Lollobrigida.

Charlene, fetch Agnes a blanket.

Um, and, Keith, Pamela,
make her a nice cup of tea.

I'll see the doctor out.

What have you done,
you wingless bastard?

This isn't my home.
This isn't my family.

This isn't your life, Agnes.

I've granted your wish to see
what life would be like

if you weren't born.

I wasn't making a wish,
that was just me sounding off!

Their lives will be miserable
without me. Mm.

They seem happy enough to me.
What would you know?

You... you... you trainee angel,
with...

..without even a feather,
never mind a fuckin' wing.

Aren't you even a little bit
curious to see how things turned out

without Mrs Agnes Brown? No!

Here, darling, come
and sit here on my chair.

Your chair? Yes, my chair.

There.

Oh, yes, now, Agnes, dear,
we're having a Christmas

night for the whole Brown family.
Why don't you join us?

Oh, you'll be more than welcome.

Oh, yes, please! Do stay!

We'd love that, wouldn't we, Mummy?

What the fuck happened to you?

I'm sorry?

Nothing.

Yes, thank you, I will stay.

Oh, super!

Right, Mummy, let's go and change.

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Pamela? Yes.

You still live at home
with your mother?

Oh, no, my wonderful husband
is a pilot.

He's on a layover
so I'm just staying tonight.

Wait for me, Mummy!

I wonder what a "pile-at" does.

So, tell me a little bit
about yourselves.

You have a nice house?

Good God, no, we don't have a house,
we couldn't afford a house.

Well, what about your carpentry
business? What?

He's not a carpenter, he's a baker.

You're a master baker?

SNIGGERING

How long have you been
master baking?

I prefer not to talk about it.

Can I ask you, do you have a son?

We have, actually. He's, er...

13?

Yes! Good guess.

He's great, you'd love him.

I do. You what?

I mean, I'm sure I would do.

He's staying over at a friend's
house. Yes.

So we have the place to ourselves!

Aww, that's lovely.

Shut the fuck up, you.

What? No, not you.

Oh, here they are.

Dermot, Buster!

Hi, all!

Merry Christmas.

This is my brother, Theo.

Theo? Who's that, now?

This is Mrs Lower-the-bridge-again.
Lollobrigida.

And, er, this is Theo's friend,
Butch.

Butch?

Aye.

Butch Rogers,
pleased to meet you.

Pleased... pleased to
meet you... Butch.

Mum has invited
Mrs Lower-the-bridge-again to,
er, join us tonight.

Fantastic, the more the merrier!
Yeah.

He's right.
I hope you're good at charades.

Oh, I love charades!

You look like a tough guy.

I am.

I just put a cigarette out.

On my face.

I was just thinking that...
he has a face like an ashtray.

And you, you're supposed to
be a hairdresser.

No, no, you're thinking of me
other brother, Niall.

Niall?

Speak of the devil.

And who do we have here?

This is Mrs Lilo-bridges.

This is my brother Niall.

Well, hello there.

Well, hello there, woman who
hasn't been to a stylist in ages!

Hello.

How are ye?

Let me guess, your name is Finbar.

No, Buster.

Buster!

Well, hello, everybody!
Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

What a beautiful tree.
Oh, why, thank you.

Buster gets me one every year.

Yeah!

I bet you've had trouble
with your trees down the years.

No. And watch this.

It's beautiful.

It's a bit crooked,
will I straighten it?

No, that's fine.

So, why don't we get
this party started? ALL: Yeah.

# We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas... #

Excuse me, excuse me!

Excuse me!

Hello!

# We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy new year! #

Farewell, farewell, drive safely.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

That's my middle son, Harry.

Yeah. He's... On the missions.

Oh, I wish. No, I'm afraid he's
a thief and in prison.

What? No, I don't believe it.

No, it's true.

He was caught stealing the
poor box from the church.

Oh.

It's been an interesting night.

I'm sorry about the tree.

I'm off to bed.

Er, I mean, I'm off. I'm off out.

But wait, where are you
going to sleep?

What?
Where will you sleep tonight, Agnes?

To be honest, I don't know.

Then you're not leaving.

Here, come and settle down
on the couch.

No, I can't. I insist. Come, come!

No, no, here will be fine.

Very well.

There.

Thank you.

Where is he?

Whom?

Your father-in-law.

Oh, Grandad.

That lazy, filthy little man.
We put him in a home.

He was here for a few months
but I just couldn't stand him.

He made the place look so untidy.

I'd say he misses his family.

Serve him right, horrid little man.

Agnes, do you have a family?

Huh!

Ah, ah.

No, no family.

Probably just as well.

You can hardly look after
yourself, am I right?

I'm blessed with a lovely family.

That's nice.

Right, then, goodnight.

Well, that was a nice party,
wasn't it?

Feck off.

It was nice to see the family
getting together.

I suppose.

So what do you think of life
without Mrs Agnes Brown?

I don't know what to think.

I thought they'd be miserable.

Maybe they are.

No, they're not.

Cathy's married to a pilot.

Dermot has no triplets or Maria,

but he's the happiest
gay in the village.

Mark and Betty are devoted
to each other,

and Rory seems to be doing
marvellous

in the promotions business.

They're all happy.

Nobody misses me.

Maybe you're looking at this
the wrong way.

Listen, fuckface...

..I've had enough of you
for one day.

Now please just...
just leave me alone.

HE HUMS A LULLABY

I thought I could sing you to sleep.

Well, fuckin' think again.

ROOSTER CROWS

Seriously? A cock in Finglas?

Hey, hey! Watch me feet with
that feckin' thing, will you?

Maria?

Consuela.

Maria.

Consuela.

Maria! Consuela.

I don't know how to play this game.

My English is good, bitch.

I am the real Mrs Brown.

I don't give shit!

# We three kings of orient are

# Bearing gifts,
we've travelled so far... #

Morning.

# Following yonder star

# Oh, oh... #

Morning.

Oh, you're up. Cup of tea?

Yes, please. Well, sit down.

Not there, darling, that's my chair.

Morning.

Winnie?

It's Winifred, darling,
but how did you know?

Winifred McGoogan,
this is Agnes Lollobrigida.

You look very familiar.

Do I? Yes!

Now, I can't quite put me finger on
it but I am sure we've met before.

Could be the bingo.

Could be.

Here, Hilliary,
guess who's home for Christmas.

Don't tell me Sharon surprised you.

She did and I told her to follow me
over here just to say hello.

Wonderful! Yeah.

Sharon? Sharon McGoogan?

Yeah, do you know her?

Everybody in Finglas knows Sharon
McGoogan, especially the men.

They call her Raleigh All Steel
because you can ride her anywhere.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

OK, I've had enough,
I can't take any more.

Another cup of tea, Agnes?
No, thank you, thank you.

A nun, seriously?!

Good morning! Good morning.

Hiya, Granny.

Agnes, meet my grandson Claudius.

Claudius?

Come here, son.

You get yourself something
nice on your break.

Thanks.

And when you get to be 18,
change your fuckin' name.

Bye, all.

I'm off. Agnes!

Where are you going to go?

It's time I had a talk
with your boss.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Yes, go on.

Father Damien, is that you?

Yes. Sorry, do I know you?

It doesn't matter, just listen.
Of course.

Father, is it a sin to wish that
you didn't have your family?

A sin? I think you're being a
bit hard on yourself.

Many a busy and overburdened mother
has come to the end of her tether.

Sure my own mother,
a good and saintly woman,

would often wipe her brow
and say, "You..."

BANGS ON SCREEN
Father! My confession.

Sorry.

Go on.

Well, what if you wished
that they weren't there

and then they were gone -
you got rid of them all?

You've gotten rid of them?
Like in a mafia kind of way?

Swimming with the fishes.

No.

Father, do you believe in angels?

Not really.

Yes!

Of course I do!

I have a friend in England and one
day she was out herding sheep.

You see, she's a sheep farmer...

Father, you're doing it again.
Oh, sorry.

Go on.

An angel heard me
wishing that I didn't exist

and now my family is somebody else's
family, and they're all happy.

And I don't care if he never
gets his bell, I'm not happy.

Angel or no angel,
I want my family ba-a-aaack!

WAILING

L...
CONTINUES WAILING

Look, I don't really have any idea
what you're actually talking about.

But I do know this -
sometimes families fall apart

but anything can be repaired.

If you want something bad enough,
sometimes you just have to go

out and fight for it.

For instance, when I was a young
and impressionable lad...

I know what you're thinking -
I'm still young!

But I'm older than I look,
don't you think?

Hello?

Are you there?

Stand aside.

Agnes, what are you going to do?

I don't know but it won't be pretty.

What about my wings?

Me! Me! Me! You're the most
selfish angel I've ever met.

Oh, met many, have you?

Well, stand aside.

SUSPENSEFUL WESTERN SALOON MUSIC

And what can I get you?

Pint of cider, please.

Excuse me! Excuse me!
Can I have your attention, please?

I'd like to thank Mrs Brown

for letting me stay in her home
last night.

You asked me last night
if I had a family.

Well, I...

I used to be a regular here,
in Foley's.

I used to sit right
there, beside Winnie.

Winnie, I know you don't
remember but we were friends,

best friends. We grew up together,

we made our holy communions
together.

I was with you when you put on the
sticky sanitary towel upside down

and you got your first Brazilian.

And I had family.
Oh, yes, I had a family.

A useless, dysfunctional...

..beautiful family.

My eldest son, Mark,

he worked every day God gave him
and he never gave up.

Don't give up, son.

Yes, he married beneath him...

..but he was happy.

And then my... my middle son, Rory...

..a gentle boy with a heart of gold

who married his best friend,
and they were so happy.

And then my other son...

Fuck's sake!

My baby, Trevor.

He wanted to save the world, not
by bullying it but by loving it.

And finally there was my daughter.

We fought like cats and dogs

but... there's not a minute in the
day that I ever stopped loving her.

Your son is your son till
he takes a wife but your...

..your daughter's a disappointment
all your life.

Well, let me offer you two pieces
of advice.

One - I don't care if you're
a millionaire or a billionaire,

a hot shot or a long shot,

a banker or a...

..you know. A chef?

Whatever.

The only thing that's really,
truly important in life...

..is family.

And the other piece of advice is...

..be careful what you wish for.

There you go, Mrs B.

Thank you very much, Sharon.

Sharon?

ALL: Surprise!

What's going on?

I told you we'd get you
a surprise for Christmas.

This is it.

CHEERING

A chance to see what life
would be like without us.

Oh, my God!

Hilliary, up.

You were Mrs Brown for two days.

Two days too long, darling.

And so say all of us.

Er, Dermo, what is going on?

And why wasn't I in on it?

I forgot to tell you.

At last I can take
these hot pants off!

No, Dermo, leave them on for a bit.
They're nice.

And you thought we couldn't
surprise you... Mummy!

Yeah, I have to say you got me
hook, line and sinker. Aww.

But you made a mistake -

I don't need a surprise for
Christmas.

All I need for Christmas
is my family.

Now this is a feckin' party.

Come on! Let's get it going!

CHEERING

# Rockin' around the Christmas tree

# At the Christmas party hop

# Mistletoe hung where you can see

# Every couple tries to stop

# Rockin' around the Christmas tree

# Let the Christmas spirit ring

# Later we'll have some pumpkin pie

# And we'll do some carolling

# You will get a sentimental feeling
when you hear

# Voices singing, let's be jolly

# Deck the halls with boughs
of holly

# Rockin' around the Christmas tree

# Have a happy holiday

# Everyone dancin' merrily

# In the new old-fashioned way

# You will get a sentimental feeling
when you hear

# Voices singing, let's be jolly

# Deck the halls with boughs
of holly

# Rockin' around the Christmas tree

# Have a happy holiday

# Everyone dancin' merrily

# In the new old-fashioned way

# Everyone dancin' merrily

# In the new old-fashioned way. #

BOTH: Merry Christmas!

MRS BROWN LAUGHS