Mr. Mayor (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - #PalmTreeReform - full transcript

- It's "Mayor Chat"

with your hosts, Chet Danville

and Grover Sepulveda.

- It's 4:00 a.m.,
Monday morning.

I'm Chet Danville.

Grover Sepulveda died in 2003.

Joining us today
to talk about his push

for dedicated bus lanes,

the 43rd mayor of L.A.,
the Honorable Neil Bremer.

- Thanks, Chet.
Why is this live?

- Also joining us
is the 42nd mayor of L.A.,



Victor Delgado.

- My God.
I didn't recognize you.

I--I thought you were
an animal expert or something.

- No, more like Princess
is an expert on me.

- So what have you been doing
since you left office, Vic?

- Self-care, Chet.
I've been meditating.

I took a Zoom break,
so I wanted to come on

and let all
my fellow Angelenos know

that Victor Delgado is...

almost back to normal.

- Oh, that's so good to hear.

You served during
such a difficult time.

Oh, did I?

Thanks, 'cause I forgot



about when that lady
in Playa del Rey shot me

with a BB gun
for handing out masks.

The last time
I was on this show,

I was begging people
not to drink bleach!

- Or do drink it,
but in moderation.

- I know it's a tough job,
but--

- Do you?
What have you done?

A straw ban
and some scooter helmets?

- And eventually, a bus lane.

And that's cool!

Rock bands ride in buses.

- Uh-huh, and how are you
gonna pay for that?

The city's broke.

- Chet,
I-I think your viewers--

- Viewer, singular.
Helen got Netflix.

- Uh, my point is that

the bus lane will get paid for.

If anyone knows how to work
a budget, it is me, Neil--

- It's now 4:02 and that means
we're out of time.

Thanks for watching, Steve.
Up next, static.

- Hey.

- What are you doing here?

- School's closed.
- Closed? For what?

- There was an accident.

Did you not see
the official school TikTok?

Some palm tree branches fell
and knocked a girl unconscious.

♪ Down south, hood baby ♪

♪ Hood baby make all the girls go crazy ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

- This is how they disseminate
important information?

- L.A. is a damn hellscape,

and I am not to blame.

- What--see, those palm trees
need to be maintained.

What is her plan
to rectify this?

That's what I wanna know.
- Um, let me see.

- These palm trees are
on city property.

So to everyone attacking me,

um, let's think.

Whose responsibility is this,
really?

Uh--oh.

If only someone
from the Gregory community

worked for the city.

- Is she talking about me?

- Oh, sarcasm.

What the ancient Greeks called

"dígma orgizménu adrós estí,"

the bite of the sassy man.

- Give me a break, L.A.

♪

Hey, Tommy,
how much do we spend

to take care
of the city's palm trees?

- Oh, uh--

- $50 million a year, sir.

- 50?
Do you have any idea

how many miles of bus lane
I could buy with that?

A bunch, I'll bet.

- Sir, I have been trying
to call attention

to this topic for years!

Palm trees are not even
supposed to be here.

Most of them were planted

for the 1932 Olympics
to trick people

into thinking L.A. wasn't
a waterless scorpion graveyard.

- So palm trees are
expensive, dangerous,

and they shouldn't be here
in the first place.

- Like an NFL franchise, sir.

They get tax breaks
to build a $5 billion stadium,

but we can't afford housing
for the homeless?

Wait.

What was I furious about
before?

Eh, it was good.
- Palm trees, Arpi.

- Yes!
Here's what we do.

Hire the homeless
to cut down all the palm trees

and dump them in the stadium.

- We're not chopping them down,

but the city should be able
to share the cost.

- Wow.
Bold stand, sir.

I'm being sarcastic,

but not when I said
I'm being sarcastic.

That was dead serious.
- All right.

Good morning.

New agenda item--palm trees.

- Can we replace them all
with signs that say

"we are the virus"?
- Okay.

First on the agenda,

someone wrote "Jayden's
big announcement" on here.

- I'm gonna be a father!

- Oh, you mean
like a Catholic priest?

- Oh, that makes sense.
- Oh, now I get it.

Celibacy.
- No!

I mean a daddy of a baby!

- Oh.

Wow.
Uh...

who's the lucky--
well, the lady?

- We met at L.A. Comic-Con.

She was working the DC booth
dressed as Talia al Ghul.

I was in my Aquaman costume,

so the allure of the forbidden
was in the air.

- Well, uh, Jayden,
this is wonderful news.

I'm sure that...Samanthee?

Samanthee will make
a terrific mom.

- Yeah!
Totally!

She already has all her makeup
tattooed on

so she won't have to waste
any mommy time on that.

Also,

you're all invited to the
baby shower this afternoon.

I don't wanna impose a gender,
so the cake will be gray.

- Okay, moving on.
Item two,

"everyone hugs Jayden"?

- Absolutely not.
- No, we're not doing that.

- You always leave a stain
on my shirt.

- There's only one thing I like
less than workplace hugs,

and that's
not following the agenda.

♪

♪ Renegade, renegade, renegade ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Ooh, go, go, go ♪

♪ Yeah, go, go, go ♪

- L.A. is a damn hellscape,

and I am not to blame.

- Are you sure people
are gonna understand that?

There's a lot going on.

- Well, it is trending
under "dad bod fail."

- Sir, Victoria Santos from the
Chamber of Commerce is calling.

- Ah, thank you.
I should take this.

Ms. Santos.

- Mr. Mayor, if you're
gonna screw me like this,

at least buy me dinner first.

Then, get my husband
out of the house

and put on a movie for my kids,

one they can all agree on,

so good luck with that.

- Vicki, if this is
about the TikTok,

I hate it too, but we do
have a problem here.

- Yeah, you're trying
to take away our palm trees.

- No, no, no one's
trying to take away--

- Palm trees
symbolize this city!

We have countless
local businesses

with "palm" in their names.

- Look, those trees
are a menace,

but I have to pay
$50 million a year

to keep them here.

So if your buddies want them,

they gotta pay
to maintain them.

- They'll never go for that.

- Bring them in.
Bring them all in.

Let's have a meeting.
- Your funeral.

- We'll be at the 18th hole
of the Brentwood Country Club.

They're gonna use my ashes
to make a golf ball,

and Phil Mickelson's
gonna hit a drive at sunset.

This will be nothing like that.

- Sir, somebody
changed the password

to the city's TikTok account.

- Where are you getting
the costumes?

- Okay, there's
no way that guy's

actually gonna be a father.

- Wait, do you not believe
Samanthee, a fellow woman?

- Oh.
- Hey.

Do one of you guys have,
like, a coat hanger?

Or hands?

- So, Jayden,
have you and Samanthee

discussed the, um, legalities
of your situation?

- Oh, well,
I offered to marry her,

obviously,
but she didn't wanna--

♪ Put a ring on it ♪

- That is not
how that song goes.

- What song?
Anyway,

I'm fine with
whatever she wants.

I'm just so psyched
to be a dad,

you know, like my hero, my dad.

- But there are
some real things

that you guys need to work out.

Like what about visitation?

Or, um, grandparents' rights
to see the kid?

- Oh, my grandparents are
either all dead or estranged.

- No, he means your parents.

- My parents can see me
whenever they want,

just not together.
- Oh, boy.

Um, Jayden, you need
to get a lawyer.

- Okay, well,
you're a lawyer, right?

- Well, I--
- Yes!

Tommy would be happy to help

because maybe Samanthee
could come by

and we could meet Samanthee.

Get a sense of her deal,

maybe play
two truths and a lie.

- Yes, that is
a very good idea.

- Game night!
I'll text Samanthee

and see if she can get time off
from the hospital tonight.

She gives blood,
like, every day.

♪

- Following up
on the palm trees, sir.

I found a guy who's willing to
donate axes to the homeless.

And I've got the perfect native
replacement flora, milkweed!

Boy, oh, boy, do wasps love it.

♪

- Hey,

let me ask you a question.

How do I not invite somebody
to something

without them finding out?

- You don't.
You have to invite everyone.

We do tons of workshops
in school about this.

- School is teaching you that?

- Exclusion is a form
of relational aggression.

- Oh, come on.

A little exclusion
builds character.

- I assume you're trying
to exclude Jayden,

but it's not his fault.
Most TikToks are bad.

- It doesn't matter
who the person is.

I just need this meeting
to go well.

- Dad, exclusion
always backfires.

Do you remember what happened
in seventh grade

when Olivia P. didn't invite
Olivia S. to a bowling party?

- There are too many Olivias
to keep track of.

- We were at SkyBowl, just
talking and having a good time,

but Olivia P. was mad
because none of us

were taking
the bowling seriously.

- Yep, I'm following this.

- Then, Olivia S.
showed up with her parents

in the next lane,
and she went totally psycho.

- Got it.
Psycho.

- She started screaming that
she was gonna tell Ms. Adams,

so Olivia P. panicked
and was like,

"No, this isn't
my birthday party.

We're on a bowling team."

So we had to pretend to be
the middle school bowling team

and bowl so much.

And they never brought
the cake out,

and they sent us the gift bags
in the mail, and by that time,

the gerbils were dead.
- Ooh!

- It's like Ms. Adams
always raps,

"Ditch the 'tude.
Don't exclude."

- Oh, boy.

Ms. Adams should not
be rapping, right?

- No, it's really bad.

- Yeah, even I know that.

- Book a room at the Y.
I'll do an ax seminar

for the homeless.
Then,

we seize the Ram's stadium
by eminent domain,

fill it with dead palm trees,

then sell the mulch.
Yes!

- This building's tall,
like Vegas!

- Sure.
Um, so we just have

some standard documents
to go over.

- But first of all,
congratulations.

- I know, right?

The timing on this baby thing
is, like, perfect.

- Oh, the timing is?

- I just found out
you have to have a license

to make CBD dog food
out of your home,

but you don't need a license

for cute internet kid videos.
Ah!

Plus, if I have it
at a theme park,

lawsuit.

- And just to cross
all of our Ts here,

you and Mr. Kwapis have
confirmed his paternity?

- No, a woman knows.
Right, Mystique?

- Oh, it's Mikaela, actually.
- Mikaela?

I don't know.
You look like a Mystique.

Anyway, I know it's not
any of those other guys.

- Oh, no, coffee.

Here it comes.
Look out, accident!

- Oh, no, the paperwork.
We have to redo it.

- Not the paperwork.

Will you come back
when we redo the paperwork?

- Sure.
I'll just go lay out.

I'm tanning for two.

Mm!

- Jayden.

- I'm so sorry
about the papers, guys.

I didn't mean to.
- You didn't?

You naturally said,
"Oh, no, coffee.

Here it comes.
Look out, accident"?

- Yeah, why?

- But you heard
what she said about

being with other guys, right?
- So?

I mean, it's not
like we're exclusive.

You guys remember Emily
from the Dodgers?

I'm not one to kiss and tell,
but we hugged.

If this was a TV show,

it'd be called
"The Romances of Jayden."

- Okay, but you have no proof

that you're
the biological father.

- Then out of all those guys,
why did she say I was?

- Because you're--
how do I put this?

Extremely gullible.

The other day,
I heard you give out

your social security number
on the phone.

- The man said I was nominated
for a Social Security Award.

- We're just saying that
Samanthee is shady.

We're only looking out for you.

- No, I see what this is.

Jayden is having a baby,

and all you two have
is college debt

and rejection emails from Raya.

- I filled out the form wrong,
okay?

It's being rectified.

- It's like how you're jealous
of your sister's baby,

and how mad you get every time
you see Neil Patrick Harris'

"Architectural Digest" cover.

- I'm not jealous,
I just hate what they did

with the charades room.

- Looking out for me?
As if.

You know, you guys are
uninvited to the baby shower.

And when I do the balloon
release, do not look at them.

They are not for you.

- Okay.

Thank you all for coming in
to meet with me.

I know together we can
find a reasonable so--

- Yeah, don't bother with this
let's share the cost nonsense.

That idea is a big old penguin,
'cause it ain't gonna fly.

- Hey look, I get it, I get it.
You guys need palm trees.

Whether it's because
you own a business

with "palm" in the name or
you run an outdoor boot camp.

- What are my hot gays
supposed to climb?

- Or you're a Hollywood
locations manager.

- We're gonna have to shoot
the "La La Land" sequel

in Tampa.
Tampa!

- And obviously, you need
palm fronds for Sukkot.

So what kind of business
do you run, sir?

- A dry cleaners.
- Great.

So annually, how much do you--

- But that's not why I'm here.

Using codes on license plates,

aliens taught us how to
impregnate palm trees

and create a super race.

- Oh, my God, this city.

- This is my son...
- What--

- And we're very litigious.

- Mr. Mayor, you're gonna
destroy Los Angeles.

- And the universe.

I'm just asking you to--
take that off my table.

I'm just asking you
to consider.

That's all I'm asking from you.
- Uh-uh.

We are not playing
your little game, it's insane.

And frankly,
you're being a total psycho.

- I'm a psycho?
- Mm.

- Huh.
- Hella psycho.

What?
I'm an L.A. rabbi.

- Dad, do you have
the Postmates password?

The food here
is, like, subhuman.

- Sorry this meeting's
taking so long.

It's a disaster.

I'm so glad
I didn't invite Arpi.

- Wait, Arpi is the one
you didn't invite?

- Hey, do me a favor.

Take my phone,
order whatever you want.

We're downtown, so it's mostly
bulk meat, but it's good.

- Dad, palm trees are, like,
Arpi's thing.

She had a whole binder.
It had color-coded tabs.

- Sweetie, I know you think

this is toxic Boomer-linity
or whatever.

But do not say anything
to Arpi, okay?

I gotta go.

♪

- Mikaela, are we jealous?

- Of my sister's baby?
No, we're both cute.

It's not a competition unless
she makes it a competition.

- No, of Jayden.

Was he right?

I mean,
I don't want kids per se,

but I always thought that
by now I'd at least have, like,

a French bulldog
and an at-risk teen

I keep forgetting to mentor.
- Yeah.

Jayden is supposed to be here

to make me feel
better about myself.

Now he's got a kid,

and he gets his hair to curl
like that without any product?

- You know, we said we were
just looking out for him,

but if that were really true,
would we have stopped

looking out just 'cause
he got mad at us?

♪

When was L.A. Comic-Con?

Why would I know?

'Cause Chris Pine
is sometimes there.

- Deputy Mayor Meskimen.
- Orly.

Tell your old man
I'm almost done here.

He asked me to find
every mention

of the word "tree"
in the city charter.

I found two, one of which
was a typo for "three."

- You were Olivia S.
at the bowling party.

- Is that a Netflix show
about sexy teen suicide or...

- My dad is trying
to distract you

so that you don't go
to his palm tree meeting.

It's happening right now.

- Relational aggression.

Orly, thank you
for having my back.

The future is female.

- Actually,
gender is a construct,

but I'm still rooting for you.

- Look, palm fronds
don't kill people.

Gravity kills people.

- Only if you let it, human.

Free your mind.
- Okay.

- Mr. Mayor,
without the palm trees--

- In the pandemic--

- We're off track here.

- All right, I'm gonna need you
all to do two types of ups:

shut and listen.

- Arpi, please,
please calm down.

- Oh, it's too late for that,
sir.

If you wanted calm Arpi,

you should have invited her
to the meeting.

Now you get fired-up,

ineptly swearing Arpi,
you bitch craps.

- If I may--
- You mayn't.

This excessive concern

with palm trees that you have
is a sickness.

They are not even endemic
to Los Angeles.

Nothing is.

Not grass, not water,

and don't get me started
on people.

- You think human beings
shouldn't be here?

- You know what the native
tribes call this region?

Nothing!
Because they knew better

than to try to live here.

I say we return L.A.
to its vacant desert state,

and give it back
to the mini wolves.

Howl if you're with me.

- Hey, I said
you're not invited, okay?

So have a slice of cake,
decorate a onesie,

hug me, and then go.
- It's okay.

We're just here to drop off
the new paperwork.

- Where did you get that from?
- We took it off your desk

during the half hour
you were in the bathroom.

- Because I have problems
urinating.

- It shows a fetal development
of eight weeks, tops.

But L.A. Comic-Con
was three months ago,

over a month
before that was made.

- But that's impossible
because of time.

But when I was at Comic-Con,
I got my picture taken

inside the "Back to the Future"
DeLorean.

So maybe--
- Oh, my God!

Just forget it.

You're not the father, okay?

- What?
No!

No, my proposal
is off the table.

It is off the table,
and it is on the floor.

There's no five-second rule,
the cat's got it!

- Thanks a lot.

Now I have to track down
the real dad,

Zac Efron's trainer.

- That guy must be hot.
- And outstanding at his job.

- Why wouldn't you just go
to him in the first place?

- Because Jayden would actually
be, like, nice to the kid,

teach it stuff,
give it a better name,

than whatever
I'll come up with.

I'm thinking "Vape"
spelled with a dollar sign?

- Where would it go?

- After, in parentheses.
Ugh!

- Ideally,
the San Andreas Fault snaps

and just catapults everything
south of Hollister

into the ocean,
and we start over.

- Look, look, you can leave
if you want to,

but we still have to
figure this out, hmm?

- I want a one-on-one tomorrow.

- Oh, yeah,
I'm not available tomorrow.

- But I'm free,

as free as every prisoner
in America should be,

and I take prescription
lozenges so I can just talk.

- Okay, Arpi,
you got what you want.

This show is yours.

- How's 4:00 a.m.
for you folks tomorrow?

- I think someone mentioned
half earlier?

Us paying half.
Could we just do that?

- Oh, yeah, but you had
turned down my offer.

- 60%, we'll pay 60.

Let's just stop
talking about it, okay?

- That worked out swell,
didn't it?

We just saved the city
$30 million.

Bus lane.
Here come the buses.

Oh, I'm good.

- You used me.

You made me
a non-consensual bad cop

to get your filthy compromise.

- I didn't use you, Arpi.
I would never--

oh, for--
Okay, all right.

Maybe I lightly utilized you.

I didn't plan it,

but they wouldn't
come to their senses,

so yeah, yeah,
I had a little helper,

trick my bad cop into
interrupting the meeting.

- Wait, what?

- Right, you're here.
I love you.

- You wanted her to.

You used me!

- Okay, okay, whoa, whoa,
whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay.

So you didn't learn
anything from me?

- Oh, but I did.

Remember your
birthday party story?

Olivia P. got exactly
what she wanted.

Everyone agreed to hunker down
and bowl because

Olivia S. was screaming
like a lunatic.

Arpi, in this metaphor,
bowling--

- Yeah, we get it.
- We are not idiots, sir.

- Yeah, I don't like the two
of you on the same side.

- Get him.
- No, not my face.

♪

- Hey, mind if we sit down?

- I don't know, can you?

- Listen, Jayden,

what we said before
about Samanthee...

- Yeah, we thought she looked
at you and saw

someone who'd believe
whatever she told him.

- Oh, really?

Well, but I didn't believe her
when she said

I look like Josh Gad.

I knew that was just
pillow talk.

- The point is, we were wrong.

She chose you
because she knew that

out of all the guys
who could be the father,

she knew you'd be
the best father.

- And you will be someday.

- Oh, wow.

Thank you.

Until then, I have my work
family, where I'm the baby.

- No, Jayden,
we're not doing that.

- But I'm thirsty.

I want juice.
- Absolutely not.

- It's just easier if we get
him juice, Mikaela.

♪ I'm just a loser ♪

♪ Shouldn't be with ya ♪

♪ Guess I'm a quitter ♪

♪ While you're ♪

♪ Out there drinking ♪

♪ I'm just here thinking ♪

♪ About where ♪

♪ I should've been ♪

♪ I've been lonely ♪

♪ Mm, ah, yeah ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, whoo! ♪

- I feel wonderful today.

Look at my little outfit.

- I know I don't understand
social media,

but this seems bad, right?

- What? No.

- Oh, the comments.

"Dr. Frankenstein
and his monster"?

Which one am I?