Mr. Mayor (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Avocado Crisis - full transcript
An avocado shortage cripples L.A.; Mikaela discovers that the only thing that can put her to sleep is Arpi's presentations.
Come on, we gotta get back home
for the "Property Brothers" marathon.
Oh, I can't wait; they're finally
airing the episode
where they accidentally kiss.
- I'll make guacamole.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sir, where are all your avocados?
We haven't gotten any in all week.
Those are the last two.
What do you mean,
you haven't gotten any?
Avocados are local.
Oh, give me those.
My children their healthy fats.
Yeah, excuse me,
but my daughter was here first,
- so can I...
- Excuse me,
I drove in from Santa Monica
because my psychic told me
this place had avocados.
Wait a second.
The whole city's out of avocados?
- What?
- No, I was asking.
Okay, you should...
- Oh, you all right?
- Which way is Mexico?
- Uh-oh, uh-oh.
- Security to aisle three.
- Security to aisle three.
- Oh!
Dad, what's going on?
Is there an avocado crisis?
The agricultural commissioner
says the avocado shortage
is affecting the whole region.
Supermarkets ran out over the weekend,
local Girl Scouts ran out of their vegan
Avoca-Go-Girl cookies,
and also, Passover's coming up.
And there won't be guacamole
or dragon rolls.
LA Judaism's weird.
- Sir.
- Hmm.
Adolphus Hass is here to see you.
The California 'Cado King?
Good.
Look, we're all scared,
but it's gonna be okay.
This is a business problem,
and solving business problems
is my middle name.
That's beautiful. Is that Polish or...
Whatever I was supposed
to be doing today, cancel it.
Get out of here!
We don't have time for you!
Finally.
God, these interns get worse every year.
No, I'm your boss.
Hey, where the hell have you been?
I know, rough morning.
I haven't been sleeping.
Neil texts me every time
he gets up to pee at night.
Oh, that's too many times.
And then I can't fall back asleep,
and blah, blah, blah.
Take some melatonin
and watch a Cardi B ASMR video.
That's my move,
and I sleep like a toddler.
Hmm.
Hi.
Makeup-free Monday, very brave.
- No, I'm not sleeping.
- Me neither.
I've been so excited
to get into this with you.
Right, your water table thing.
You know it!
Mm, um, I've actually got
a meeting right now.
Perfect, that'll give me time
to do some vocal warm-ups.
Water table, water table, ball gag.
Okay.
I'm glad you came by, Adolphus.
Oh, all my friends call me Adolph.
No, thank you. Go ahead, sit down.
I tell you,
the Southland's avocado farmers
are bearing the brunt of this crisis.
The first thing we need to figure out
is what's causing the shortage.
It's this drought we're having.
My farm's yields are lower
than a limbo bar in Lilliput.
- God, he's folksy.
- You need water.
I mean, it's the story of this city.
If only the LA River had water in it
instead of what I've been told
is called pornography runoff.
So how are we gonna fix this, Adolphus?
I'm glad you asked.
See, I've been meeting
with all the local mayors:
Santa Monica, Burbank, Shondaland.
Shondaland, is that a real place?
Yes, but it's not for you, sir.
And they're all pitching in,
but no place on Earth
eats more 'cados
than the City of Angels,
so I sure do hope that you'll pony up.
I'm sorry, is that just a
folksy way of asking for money?
If you subsidize Hass Farms,
I can afford to ship water
down from Seattle,
and that place
is wetter than an Italian...
No, no, no, no, no.
Look, that... that's not a solution.
That's just a patch.
Hey, we're up crap crick here, boss.
We need a patch,
and isn't patches
what government does best?
Sir, this avocado thing
is a four-quadrant problem.
It affects moms, babies,
gay-bies, and ag workers.
Yeah, some people use avocados
to trick himself into swallowing pills.
A subsidy is a win-win.
I get water. People get their 'cados.
We take a picture in an orchard.
You get all the headlines.
Sir, a photo op and a positive headline
might not be such a bad thing
for you right now.
Yeah, your first 100 days are almost up,
and according to all
the reporters I've spoken to,
the current angle is
"New mayor is old but rich hot."
Rich hot? What, like Bezos?
- No, not like Bezos.
- Exactly, sir, like, Bezos.
Look, writing checks
to make problems go away
is not how I do things.
"Back at my company..."
Back at my company,
I learned how to do every job
so I could fix every problem.
I learned how to drive
a forklift, balance the books.
After the '94 earthquake,
my drivers said the roads were not safe,
so I went out, and I got a Class A
tractor trailer license,
and the next day,
billboards for
"Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
were all over Southern California.
All righty, then!
Yeah, I'm gonna fix
this thing, Adolphus,
but I'm gonna do it my way.
Well,
when you come to your senses,
you can find me on my farm
in the Valley.
- Okay.
- Or if it's a weekend, Six Flags.
I'm tall enough to ride everything.
Yee-ha!
Borings, they are anything but.
Oh, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What is water?
It's transparent...
Wet.
Common street names include
wa-wa, the drink, God's tears.
We live in a desert,
which is why boring,
boring, boring, boring,
boring, boring, boring,
boring, boring, boring,
boring, boring...
Oh, the end!
Ah.
Have you been talking for an hour?
Doesn't feel like it, does it?
So what do you say?
Take it to the mayor? Dazzle him?
Well, it's a lot to absorb.
Absorb.
Water table humor.
Well, absorb away,
you walking phreatic zone.
A reference to the presentation.
Holler if you have any questions.
I'm available 24-7, 366
if it's a leap year.
I saw you.
You slept through Arpi's pitch.
Delete that, and not just because
it's misogynist to take
unflattering photos of women.
Yeah, she's gonna kill you
if she finds out.
I didn't mean to fall asleep.
She just talked so much. Give me that.
Do you remember when she
caught the chief of police
using his phone during a meeting?
She made him cry,
and he was at Fallujah.
I don't know if you know this,
but not everyone here
sees you as an authority figure.
This is wrong.
I asked for half-and-half
and a splash of Nestle Quik.
Be-because it's mine,
because I'm your boss.
Kwapis, get in here.
People are upset
because they want avocados
- and they can't get them.
- Nodding, getting it.
And I can't end the drought
or make avocados magically appear,
so how do you get a bone
away from a dog?
- Kiss it.
- You distract it
with something it wants even more.
- Mm.
- Now, when did people become
so obsessed with avocados
in the first place?
Uh, 2013, LA restaurants
started serving
the Australian breakfast,
which is boiled steak,
Dunkaroos, and avocado toast.
Avocados are just the latest
well-branded LA health fad.
Over the years, I have put up billboards
for everything from pine nuts
to pomegranate juice,
and no one liked those things
until marketers told them to.
Did you know that quinoa
was originally just Beanie Baby filler?
Well, then why does it say
"do not eat" on the tag?
We just need to find the next fad.
We need to find something
that's abundant,
that's high in omega-3s,
and that people don't yet
think of as edible.
And then we rebrand it as...
The avocado fish.
Don't listen to anyone
who says its real name
is the monkeyface eel.
It's not.
And is it supposed to smell like that?
Absolutely.
Now, this superfood has all
the healthy fats of an avocado
with none of the pits,
just twice the bones of a normal fish
and a poisonous swim bladder.
And so you're hoping
that this will catch on?
It can do everything
an avocado used to do.
Hey, Ana, help me mash
these guys up, will you?
Wait, you're not pregnant, right?
- No.
- All right, great, great.
Mash, mash, mash.
Wow, and it's, uh, green,
just like guacamole.
Yup, now, eat it quick
before it hardens.
Mmm.
Let's go to Chuck with the w...
Chuck with the weather.
No one named Chuck works here.
Just cut away.
We'll be right back.
So now I'm gonna, like, bite
these wet-ass pickles.
How does Tommy fall asleep to this?
This is not relaxing.
I'm irritated and turned on
and kind of hungry.
Et cetera.
Alexa, why can't I sleep?
According to Mayo Clinic,
insomnia is usually caused
by depression, stress,
or anxiety, lack of exercise...
Alexa, stop.
Thank you.
Alexa,
call Scary McTinybird.
Calling Scary McTinybird's mobile.
Ms. Shaw, what a pleasant surprise.
Unless this is a kidnapper
using Ms. Shaw's telephone
to demand a ransom,
in which case, I will not negotiate.
You can go ahead and kill her.
Um, no, no, it's me.
Uh, I hope I'm not calling too late?
If it's city business,
it's never too late.
What can I do you for?
Well, I was thinking now that I have
a baseline understanding
of what a borings is,
I was thinking
you could go more in-depth?
Depth?
Borings are all about depth.
Man, you are funny.
Zing!
Now, I wish you were here
to see this soil sample,
but I'll describe it to ya.
Brown,
light brown, dark brown.
The first brown again.
Oh. Hello, sir.
Mrs. Baby Sir.
Orly's spending the day here.
Yeah, my school's closed
'cause they ordered a bunch of
avocado fish for the salad bar,
but it turns out
you can't transport them dead.
Because they harden.
You know, the city's been
very up-front about that.
Did the city know that they
could crawl short distances?
'Cause one of them got
in the pool and laid eggs.
Fine, the avocado fish
was a bad idea, okay?
This cannot be how you end
your first 100 days, sir.
"Eel Bummer"?
Inside, they did a really good job
of photoshopping the creature
from "Shape of Water"...
Oh, no.
Oh, they made you the mute lady.
Gosh, he is really giving it to you.
This is the kind of problem
that I have been solving my entire life.
I just don't know how to
truck-drive my way out of this.
Oh, my God, what is that smell?
There are protesters outside
throwing monkeyface eel.
Fun fact: the avocado fish
exclusively eats the feces
of other fish.
Jayden, get Adolphus Hass on the phone.
Yeah, I think
that's the right call, sir.
- We subsidize...
- Please leave.
You smell like the bathroom
at a ferry terminal.
I know, sir. I'm so sorry.
Oh, Ms. Shaw?
- Do you have a moment?
- Of course, always.
I don't know if you realized this,
but you fell asleep last night
while I was talking to you.
Me did?
Are you sure?
Ms. Shaw?
No, Cardi B, don't hurt
that pickle with your nails.
It's a cucumber's baby.
That was a chair.
It happens.
Our bodies betray us sometimes.
I pee a little when I laugh,
so needless to say,
I'm very concerned about this
"Who's the Boss?" reboot.
Anyway, maybe I need
to tighten up my "presentache"
before we take it to the mayor.
From the pitch yesterday,
what would you cut?
Oh, gosh, that's hard. It's so good.
Okay, well, what
would you say I have to keep?
I really responded to... graph.
You narcoleptic skunk.
You fell asleep yesterday too!
I know. I'm so sorry!
I haven't been sleeping.
Please don't hurt me.
I'm your boss, but you can be boss.
What do you want for lunch?
Okay, get it over with. Just hit me.
Oh.
Oh, no, what was that?
That was so weird.
What did it mean?
Well, if it isn't the man of the hour.
I just want to put
this whole thing behind me.
Oh, said the farmer's
daughter to the Bible salesman.
Sorry
for the constant folksiness.
I think maybe I'm nostalgic
for an America that never existed.
Okay, sorry, we're gonna have
to move this truck.
It's blocking the H
in Hass Avocado Farms,
so it, uh, looks like
"Ass Avocado Farms."
No, I can't move it.
I had to lay off all my drivers.
That poor truck's been there all week.
Well, I can move it.
I've actually got a trucker's license.
Mm, triple threat:
mayor, truck driver,
and legs for days.
I'm gonna have to put a hold
on those funds, Adolphus.
Something's come up. Right, Jayden?
Um, yes.
Uh, there's been an accident,
and the doctor said,
"I can't operate on this boy.
He's my son,"
- because the doctor was a mommy!
- Uh, who is this... oh, oh!
- Wait! Wait!
- Sir, what's going on?
Ms. Meskimen?
I'm sorry to be calling so late,
but I feel terrible
about what happened today,
and I also had
a couple follow-up questions
about the kiss of death
that you gave me.
I thought I might hear from you tonight.
Still can't sleep, huh?
"We need to get to the root of this,"
said the endangered California vole.
Is that a joke,
or did he really say that?
I'm so tired.
I know what kept me up
at night when I was your age.
It was a little something
called impostor syndrome.
Men are immune to it,
but it's got a taste for skirts.
It's that feeling that
you're in over your head
and that everyone knows,
and every time someone
mistakes you for an intern
or leaves you off an email chain
about entering through the garage
to avoid getting eel thrown at you,
that feeling grows,
that feeling that
you don't deserve to be here.
It adds up, right?
I mean, what were your jobs before this?
According to LinkedIn,
you were a vibe coordinator at The Wing.
- Uh...
- And what the hell
is the Fyre Festival?
It would have worked if Blink-182
had gotten on the plane.
I think we both know
you don't believe that.
Anyway, impostor syndrome,
that's your problem.
Sweet dreams.
Oh.
Now will you tell me why we're here?
I tried to tell you in the car, Jayden,
but you wouldn't stop
singing along with the radio.
Well, because Mandy Moore
has found her voice, sir.
All right.
This is the closest bar to Hass Farms
that doesn't sell wine.
We're looking for truck drivers,
anyone with a Local 63 hat
or a tramp stamp.
Jackpot.
Excuse me, fellas, uh, sorry.
Are you guys long haul or local?
Honk, honk, beep, beep.
Am I right, guys?
Uh, sorry. What were you saying?
We all drive for big farms
in Simi Valley.
I'm with Hass.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Well, I'm, uh, Local 848, Long Beach.
A city boy.
Hey, city man, okay? Just look at him.
Let me buy you guys a round.
- You want four beers?
- No, no.
Just seltzer for me. Thank you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Are you driving late?
Oh, maybe he's pregnant, sir.
Well, I'm not supposed to talk about it,
but driver to driver...
So how was the rest of your night?
- Not great, Arpi.
- Poor thing.
Me, I slept like a baby:
butt in the air, belly full of milk.
Sleep deprivation's
a form of torture, you know?
That's why you see so many new mothers
weeping in the Whole Foods parking lot.
I'll get that later.
So would you like to sleep?
Yes! Please, I'll do anything!
What do you want? Money, drugs?
I'll give you a piggyback ride.
Okay, I'll quit torturing you.
In fact,
I'll call you every night
and bore you to sleep.
I'll be your own personal
little Lunesta insect.
But first, I do need something from you.
You want a kid? My sister's got two!
One has blue eyes. How does that sound?
You said you'd listen
to my presentation,
and that's what you're gonna do.
- Oh.
- Without falling asleep.
Borings, they are anything but.
Neil.
Oh, I'm so glad you called.
When you skedaddled like that yesterday,
I thought maybe our deal was off.
Get in here. Sit down.
Thank you.
So yesterday,
you said your trucks
hadn't gone out all week.
Or are they?
See...
When I went out to move that truck,
the headlights were on.
The lights were on,
and the battery wasn't dead.
That truck had been driven
recently, at night.
Ah. What's that supposed to prove?
I'm only fidgeting like this
because of my oversized genitals.
So I talked to one of your drivers.
You must be mistaken.
I don't have any drivers.
I had to lay them off.
I was confused, too, until I went out
to your warehouse in Santa Clarita,
and while Jayden distracted the dog...
- With kisses.
- Guess what I found in there.
'Cados.
Whole warehouse full of 'em.
That drought didn't ruin your harvest.
It was just an excuse for you
to stockpile avocados
to drive the prices up
while you took a handout
from my taxpayers.
You weren't gonna ship in any water.
You were just gonna ship
that money to your own pocket.
Oh, snap.
Yeah, and you almost got away
with it too.
Except I'm still holding
all the cards, Mr. Mayor.
You can't afford for the
shortage to go on much longer.
Your own staff said you need
some positive press,
so you need me.
Tick-o-tockety, friend.
Wait, is that supposed to be a clock?
Tick-o-tockety for you.
Give that guy a squeeze.
It's not hard!
They're ripening too early!
I think that the City of Los Angeles
will keep its money,
'cause if you don't get
those avocados on the street,
you're toast.
Plain toast.
You son of a bitch!
Now, get out of here.
We don't have time for you!
- You okay?
- Mm-hmm.
I got scared when he threw the...
Which brings us to the end.
So what do you say?
Take it to the mayor for real?
Absolutely not.
I'm sorry, what?
Arpi, if we deprivatize
the borings process,
there may be a period of time
where we can't guarantee
the safety of LA's drinking water?
24 hours max, people can stockpile.
- They'll use bathtubs.
- You can't mess with people's water, Arpi
When I was hydration's ***
for the Fyre Festival
it went sideways fast.
Billy McFarland hired Adriana Lima
to captain the Evian boat,
and she sank it,
and then 20,000 stoned idiots panicked
and started drinking salt water.
You should just watch the documentary.
I look so thin.
And that took place
on a mountain of guano
in the middle of the ocean,
but LA is a desert
with 3 million stoned idiots.
We do not want to be
the Billy McFarlands of Los Angeles,
so it's a hard no, Arpi.
Huh.
Well, obviously,
I'm disappointed, but...
you seem to know
what you're talking about.
Oh, I do.
You mess up water, next thing you know,
some trust fund douche named Preston
is pulling turtles apart
to get their liquid.
Hard to argue with that.
Very good.
Thank you for your time.
Would you like me
to put you to sleep tonight?
I think I'm gonna be all right.
I'm feeling...
Like you're the real deal
and not an impostor.
Good for you.
- I'm not an intern!
- I know.
I was bringing you
a goldfish to apologize.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Oh, no.
Avocados are back on the shelves,
and Angelinos are back to being happy.
On the outside.
I just want to thank Mayor Bremer.
Now my baby's back on keto.
I know, this is three months postpartum?
Well, there's always a solution, Tommy.
Solution. That reminds me.
I have to go flush out my dog bites.
We're joined now live
by the mayor's chief of staff,
Mikaela Shaw, who, uh...
Ms. Shaw?
Harry Potter, take me to the ball?
'Bout Cho Chang?
- Ms. Shaw?
- Whatever.
I'll boogie.
Ms. Shaw?
No further questions.
for the "Property Brothers" marathon.
Oh, I can't wait; they're finally
airing the episode
where they accidentally kiss.
- I'll make guacamole.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sir, where are all your avocados?
We haven't gotten any in all week.
Those are the last two.
What do you mean,
you haven't gotten any?
Avocados are local.
Oh, give me those.
My children their healthy fats.
Yeah, excuse me,
but my daughter was here first,
- so can I...
- Excuse me,
I drove in from Santa Monica
because my psychic told me
this place had avocados.
Wait a second.
The whole city's out of avocados?
- What?
- No, I was asking.
Okay, you should...
- Oh, you all right?
- Which way is Mexico?
- Uh-oh, uh-oh.
- Security to aisle three.
- Security to aisle three.
- Oh!
Dad, what's going on?
Is there an avocado crisis?
The agricultural commissioner
says the avocado shortage
is affecting the whole region.
Supermarkets ran out over the weekend,
local Girl Scouts ran out of their vegan
Avoca-Go-Girl cookies,
and also, Passover's coming up.
And there won't be guacamole
or dragon rolls.
LA Judaism's weird.
- Sir.
- Hmm.
Adolphus Hass is here to see you.
The California 'Cado King?
Good.
Look, we're all scared,
but it's gonna be okay.
This is a business problem,
and solving business problems
is my middle name.
That's beautiful. Is that Polish or...
Whatever I was supposed
to be doing today, cancel it.
Get out of here!
We don't have time for you!
Finally.
God, these interns get worse every year.
No, I'm your boss.
Hey, where the hell have you been?
I know, rough morning.
I haven't been sleeping.
Neil texts me every time
he gets up to pee at night.
Oh, that's too many times.
And then I can't fall back asleep,
and blah, blah, blah.
Take some melatonin
and watch a Cardi B ASMR video.
That's my move,
and I sleep like a toddler.
Hmm.
Hi.
Makeup-free Monday, very brave.
- No, I'm not sleeping.
- Me neither.
I've been so excited
to get into this with you.
Right, your water table thing.
You know it!
Mm, um, I've actually got
a meeting right now.
Perfect, that'll give me time
to do some vocal warm-ups.
Water table, water table, ball gag.
Okay.
I'm glad you came by, Adolphus.
Oh, all my friends call me Adolph.
No, thank you. Go ahead, sit down.
I tell you,
the Southland's avocado farmers
are bearing the brunt of this crisis.
The first thing we need to figure out
is what's causing the shortage.
It's this drought we're having.
My farm's yields are lower
than a limbo bar in Lilliput.
- God, he's folksy.
- You need water.
I mean, it's the story of this city.
If only the LA River had water in it
instead of what I've been told
is called pornography runoff.
So how are we gonna fix this, Adolphus?
I'm glad you asked.
See, I've been meeting
with all the local mayors:
Santa Monica, Burbank, Shondaland.
Shondaland, is that a real place?
Yes, but it's not for you, sir.
And they're all pitching in,
but no place on Earth
eats more 'cados
than the City of Angels,
so I sure do hope that you'll pony up.
I'm sorry, is that just a
folksy way of asking for money?
If you subsidize Hass Farms,
I can afford to ship water
down from Seattle,
and that place
is wetter than an Italian...
No, no, no, no, no.
Look, that... that's not a solution.
That's just a patch.
Hey, we're up crap crick here, boss.
We need a patch,
and isn't patches
what government does best?
Sir, this avocado thing
is a four-quadrant problem.
It affects moms, babies,
gay-bies, and ag workers.
Yeah, some people use avocados
to trick himself into swallowing pills.
A subsidy is a win-win.
I get water. People get their 'cados.
We take a picture in an orchard.
You get all the headlines.
Sir, a photo op and a positive headline
might not be such a bad thing
for you right now.
Yeah, your first 100 days are almost up,
and according to all
the reporters I've spoken to,
the current angle is
"New mayor is old but rich hot."
Rich hot? What, like Bezos?
- No, not like Bezos.
- Exactly, sir, like, Bezos.
Look, writing checks
to make problems go away
is not how I do things.
"Back at my company..."
Back at my company,
I learned how to do every job
so I could fix every problem.
I learned how to drive
a forklift, balance the books.
After the '94 earthquake,
my drivers said the roads were not safe,
so I went out, and I got a Class A
tractor trailer license,
and the next day,
billboards for
"Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
were all over Southern California.
All righty, then!
Yeah, I'm gonna fix
this thing, Adolphus,
but I'm gonna do it my way.
Well,
when you come to your senses,
you can find me on my farm
in the Valley.
- Okay.
- Or if it's a weekend, Six Flags.
I'm tall enough to ride everything.
Yee-ha!
Borings, they are anything but.
Oh, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What is water?
It's transparent...
Wet.
Common street names include
wa-wa, the drink, God's tears.
We live in a desert,
which is why boring,
boring, boring, boring,
boring, boring, boring,
boring, boring, boring,
boring, boring...
Oh, the end!
Ah.
Have you been talking for an hour?
Doesn't feel like it, does it?
So what do you say?
Take it to the mayor? Dazzle him?
Well, it's a lot to absorb.
Absorb.
Water table humor.
Well, absorb away,
you walking phreatic zone.
A reference to the presentation.
Holler if you have any questions.
I'm available 24-7, 366
if it's a leap year.
I saw you.
You slept through Arpi's pitch.
Delete that, and not just because
it's misogynist to take
unflattering photos of women.
Yeah, she's gonna kill you
if she finds out.
I didn't mean to fall asleep.
She just talked so much. Give me that.
Do you remember when she
caught the chief of police
using his phone during a meeting?
She made him cry,
and he was at Fallujah.
I don't know if you know this,
but not everyone here
sees you as an authority figure.
This is wrong.
I asked for half-and-half
and a splash of Nestle Quik.
Be-because it's mine,
because I'm your boss.
Kwapis, get in here.
People are upset
because they want avocados
- and they can't get them.
- Nodding, getting it.
And I can't end the drought
or make avocados magically appear,
so how do you get a bone
away from a dog?
- Kiss it.
- You distract it
with something it wants even more.
- Mm.
- Now, when did people become
so obsessed with avocados
in the first place?
Uh, 2013, LA restaurants
started serving
the Australian breakfast,
which is boiled steak,
Dunkaroos, and avocado toast.
Avocados are just the latest
well-branded LA health fad.
Over the years, I have put up billboards
for everything from pine nuts
to pomegranate juice,
and no one liked those things
until marketers told them to.
Did you know that quinoa
was originally just Beanie Baby filler?
Well, then why does it say
"do not eat" on the tag?
We just need to find the next fad.
We need to find something
that's abundant,
that's high in omega-3s,
and that people don't yet
think of as edible.
And then we rebrand it as...
The avocado fish.
Don't listen to anyone
who says its real name
is the monkeyface eel.
It's not.
And is it supposed to smell like that?
Absolutely.
Now, this superfood has all
the healthy fats of an avocado
with none of the pits,
just twice the bones of a normal fish
and a poisonous swim bladder.
And so you're hoping
that this will catch on?
It can do everything
an avocado used to do.
Hey, Ana, help me mash
these guys up, will you?
Wait, you're not pregnant, right?
- No.
- All right, great, great.
Mash, mash, mash.
Wow, and it's, uh, green,
just like guacamole.
Yup, now, eat it quick
before it hardens.
Mmm.
Let's go to Chuck with the w...
Chuck with the weather.
No one named Chuck works here.
Just cut away.
We'll be right back.
So now I'm gonna, like, bite
these wet-ass pickles.
How does Tommy fall asleep to this?
This is not relaxing.
I'm irritated and turned on
and kind of hungry.
Et cetera.
Alexa, why can't I sleep?
According to Mayo Clinic,
insomnia is usually caused
by depression, stress,
or anxiety, lack of exercise...
Alexa, stop.
Thank you.
Alexa,
call Scary McTinybird.
Calling Scary McTinybird's mobile.
Ms. Shaw, what a pleasant surprise.
Unless this is a kidnapper
using Ms. Shaw's telephone
to demand a ransom,
in which case, I will not negotiate.
You can go ahead and kill her.
Um, no, no, it's me.
Uh, I hope I'm not calling too late?
If it's city business,
it's never too late.
What can I do you for?
Well, I was thinking now that I have
a baseline understanding
of what a borings is,
I was thinking
you could go more in-depth?
Depth?
Borings are all about depth.
Man, you are funny.
Zing!
Now, I wish you were here
to see this soil sample,
but I'll describe it to ya.
Brown,
light brown, dark brown.
The first brown again.
Oh. Hello, sir.
Mrs. Baby Sir.
Orly's spending the day here.
Yeah, my school's closed
'cause they ordered a bunch of
avocado fish for the salad bar,
but it turns out
you can't transport them dead.
Because they harden.
You know, the city's been
very up-front about that.
Did the city know that they
could crawl short distances?
'Cause one of them got
in the pool and laid eggs.
Fine, the avocado fish
was a bad idea, okay?
This cannot be how you end
your first 100 days, sir.
"Eel Bummer"?
Inside, they did a really good job
of photoshopping the creature
from "Shape of Water"...
Oh, no.
Oh, they made you the mute lady.
Gosh, he is really giving it to you.
This is the kind of problem
that I have been solving my entire life.
I just don't know how to
truck-drive my way out of this.
Oh, my God, what is that smell?
There are protesters outside
throwing monkeyface eel.
Fun fact: the avocado fish
exclusively eats the feces
of other fish.
Jayden, get Adolphus Hass on the phone.
Yeah, I think
that's the right call, sir.
- We subsidize...
- Please leave.
You smell like the bathroom
at a ferry terminal.
I know, sir. I'm so sorry.
Oh, Ms. Shaw?
- Do you have a moment?
- Of course, always.
I don't know if you realized this,
but you fell asleep last night
while I was talking to you.
Me did?
Are you sure?
Ms. Shaw?
No, Cardi B, don't hurt
that pickle with your nails.
It's a cucumber's baby.
That was a chair.
It happens.
Our bodies betray us sometimes.
I pee a little when I laugh,
so needless to say,
I'm very concerned about this
"Who's the Boss?" reboot.
Anyway, maybe I need
to tighten up my "presentache"
before we take it to the mayor.
From the pitch yesterday,
what would you cut?
Oh, gosh, that's hard. It's so good.
Okay, well, what
would you say I have to keep?
I really responded to... graph.
You narcoleptic skunk.
You fell asleep yesterday too!
I know. I'm so sorry!
I haven't been sleeping.
Please don't hurt me.
I'm your boss, but you can be boss.
What do you want for lunch?
Okay, get it over with. Just hit me.
Oh.
Oh, no, what was that?
That was so weird.
What did it mean?
Well, if it isn't the man of the hour.
I just want to put
this whole thing behind me.
Oh, said the farmer's
daughter to the Bible salesman.
Sorry
for the constant folksiness.
I think maybe I'm nostalgic
for an America that never existed.
Okay, sorry, we're gonna have
to move this truck.
It's blocking the H
in Hass Avocado Farms,
so it, uh, looks like
"Ass Avocado Farms."
No, I can't move it.
I had to lay off all my drivers.
That poor truck's been there all week.
Well, I can move it.
I've actually got a trucker's license.
Mm, triple threat:
mayor, truck driver,
and legs for days.
I'm gonna have to put a hold
on those funds, Adolphus.
Something's come up. Right, Jayden?
Um, yes.
Uh, there's been an accident,
and the doctor said,
"I can't operate on this boy.
He's my son,"
- because the doctor was a mommy!
- Uh, who is this... oh, oh!
- Wait! Wait!
- Sir, what's going on?
Ms. Meskimen?
I'm sorry to be calling so late,
but I feel terrible
about what happened today,
and I also had
a couple follow-up questions
about the kiss of death
that you gave me.
I thought I might hear from you tonight.
Still can't sleep, huh?
"We need to get to the root of this,"
said the endangered California vole.
Is that a joke,
or did he really say that?
I'm so tired.
I know what kept me up
at night when I was your age.
It was a little something
called impostor syndrome.
Men are immune to it,
but it's got a taste for skirts.
It's that feeling that
you're in over your head
and that everyone knows,
and every time someone
mistakes you for an intern
or leaves you off an email chain
about entering through the garage
to avoid getting eel thrown at you,
that feeling grows,
that feeling that
you don't deserve to be here.
It adds up, right?
I mean, what were your jobs before this?
According to LinkedIn,
you were a vibe coordinator at The Wing.
- Uh...
- And what the hell
is the Fyre Festival?
It would have worked if Blink-182
had gotten on the plane.
I think we both know
you don't believe that.
Anyway, impostor syndrome,
that's your problem.
Sweet dreams.
Oh.
Now will you tell me why we're here?
I tried to tell you in the car, Jayden,
but you wouldn't stop
singing along with the radio.
Well, because Mandy Moore
has found her voice, sir.
All right.
This is the closest bar to Hass Farms
that doesn't sell wine.
We're looking for truck drivers,
anyone with a Local 63 hat
or a tramp stamp.
Jackpot.
Excuse me, fellas, uh, sorry.
Are you guys long haul or local?
Honk, honk, beep, beep.
Am I right, guys?
Uh, sorry. What were you saying?
We all drive for big farms
in Simi Valley.
I'm with Hass.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Well, I'm, uh, Local 848, Long Beach.
A city boy.
Hey, city man, okay? Just look at him.
Let me buy you guys a round.
- You want four beers?
- No, no.
Just seltzer for me. Thank you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Are you driving late?
Oh, maybe he's pregnant, sir.
Well, I'm not supposed to talk about it,
but driver to driver...
So how was the rest of your night?
- Not great, Arpi.
- Poor thing.
Me, I slept like a baby:
butt in the air, belly full of milk.
Sleep deprivation's
a form of torture, you know?
That's why you see so many new mothers
weeping in the Whole Foods parking lot.
I'll get that later.
So would you like to sleep?
Yes! Please, I'll do anything!
What do you want? Money, drugs?
I'll give you a piggyback ride.
Okay, I'll quit torturing you.
In fact,
I'll call you every night
and bore you to sleep.
I'll be your own personal
little Lunesta insect.
But first, I do need something from you.
You want a kid? My sister's got two!
One has blue eyes. How does that sound?
You said you'd listen
to my presentation,
and that's what you're gonna do.
- Oh.
- Without falling asleep.
Borings, they are anything but.
Neil.
Oh, I'm so glad you called.
When you skedaddled like that yesterday,
I thought maybe our deal was off.
Get in here. Sit down.
Thank you.
So yesterday,
you said your trucks
hadn't gone out all week.
Or are they?
See...
When I went out to move that truck,
the headlights were on.
The lights were on,
and the battery wasn't dead.
That truck had been driven
recently, at night.
Ah. What's that supposed to prove?
I'm only fidgeting like this
because of my oversized genitals.
So I talked to one of your drivers.
You must be mistaken.
I don't have any drivers.
I had to lay them off.
I was confused, too, until I went out
to your warehouse in Santa Clarita,
and while Jayden distracted the dog...
- With kisses.
- Guess what I found in there.
'Cados.
Whole warehouse full of 'em.
That drought didn't ruin your harvest.
It was just an excuse for you
to stockpile avocados
to drive the prices up
while you took a handout
from my taxpayers.
You weren't gonna ship in any water.
You were just gonna ship
that money to your own pocket.
Oh, snap.
Yeah, and you almost got away
with it too.
Except I'm still holding
all the cards, Mr. Mayor.
You can't afford for the
shortage to go on much longer.
Your own staff said you need
some positive press,
so you need me.
Tick-o-tockety, friend.
Wait, is that supposed to be a clock?
Tick-o-tockety for you.
Give that guy a squeeze.
It's not hard!
They're ripening too early!
I think that the City of Los Angeles
will keep its money,
'cause if you don't get
those avocados on the street,
you're toast.
Plain toast.
You son of a bitch!
Now, get out of here.
We don't have time for you!
- You okay?
- Mm-hmm.
I got scared when he threw the...
Which brings us to the end.
So what do you say?
Take it to the mayor for real?
Absolutely not.
I'm sorry, what?
Arpi, if we deprivatize
the borings process,
there may be a period of time
where we can't guarantee
the safety of LA's drinking water?
24 hours max, people can stockpile.
- They'll use bathtubs.
- You can't mess with people's water, Arpi
When I was hydration's ***
for the Fyre Festival
it went sideways fast.
Billy McFarland hired Adriana Lima
to captain the Evian boat,
and she sank it,
and then 20,000 stoned idiots panicked
and started drinking salt water.
You should just watch the documentary.
I look so thin.
And that took place
on a mountain of guano
in the middle of the ocean,
but LA is a desert
with 3 million stoned idiots.
We do not want to be
the Billy McFarlands of Los Angeles,
so it's a hard no, Arpi.
Huh.
Well, obviously,
I'm disappointed, but...
you seem to know
what you're talking about.
Oh, I do.
You mess up water, next thing you know,
some trust fund douche named Preston
is pulling turtles apart
to get their liquid.
Hard to argue with that.
Very good.
Thank you for your time.
Would you like me
to put you to sleep tonight?
I think I'm gonna be all right.
I'm feeling...
Like you're the real deal
and not an impostor.
Good for you.
- I'm not an intern!
- I know.
I was bringing you
a goldfish to apologize.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Oh, no.
Avocados are back on the shelves,
and Angelinos are back to being happy.
On the outside.
I just want to thank Mayor Bremer.
Now my baby's back on keto.
I know, this is three months postpartum?
Well, there's always a solution, Tommy.
Solution. That reminds me.
I have to go flush out my dog bites.
We're joined now live
by the mayor's chief of staff,
Mikaela Shaw, who, uh...
Ms. Shaw?
Harry Potter, take me to the ball?
'Bout Cho Chang?
- Ms. Shaw?
- Whatever.
I'll boogie.
Ms. Shaw?
No further questions.