Mr Inbetween (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - I Came from Your Balls? - full transcript

How's it look?

Eh.

Cameras everywhere.

Yeah, right.

Big gates.

Not good.

Oh...

Ah, well, we've got
plenty of pistachios.

- Connery.
- Yeah. Totally.

Second?

Lazenby.



- Lazenby?
- Yeah.

Who the fuck's that?

George Lazenby.

No, never heard of him.

After Connery.

He did, um, Her Majesty's,
uh, Secret Service.

- Mm-hmm?
- Only did one film.

Never seen it. I'll have to see it.

Yeah, it's good. Yeah, right.

He's an Aussie.

- An Aussie?
- Mm-hmm.

- Bond?
- Aussie Bond, mate.

- Fuck off.
- Yeah, serious.

That's not right... you
can't have an Aussie Bond.



No, he's Aussie.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, right.
- Mm-hmm.

- Okay. So that's two.
- Yeah.

What about number three?

I don't mind the guy playing him now.

Mm-hmm. What's his name?

What's his fucking name?

Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah.

- He's number three, though.
- Yeah, he's three.

Right-o. Number four?

Four...

I didn't like Moore.

- Don't like the old Roger?
- No.

- Nah? Really?
- Nah, too snobby, polished, yeah.

- Yeah?
- I didn't like him.

I like the old Roger.

- Yeah, no, I didn't like him.
- Okay.

What about Brosnan?

No.

- No, I put Brosnan last.
- Don't like Brosnan?

- Last.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, all right.

Yeah, no, I'd go:

Connery, Lazenby, guy playing him now...

- Mm-hmm.
- um, Dalton, Moore...

- Brosnan.
- All right.

I got: Connery...

Moore, Brosnan,

- guy playing him now...
- Mm-hmm.

- Dalton.
- Don't like him.

All right.

Best Batman.

Oh.

- Keaton.
- Keaton. Yeah.

"I'm Batman."

H... Here we are.

Okay.

Pull in there.

Which one's the prez?

Guy in the light-colored jacket.

And the VP?

That guy he's hugging
now... the bald head.

Yeah, right.

It's fucking Daniel Craig.

Ah. That's it.

Ugh.

Put the thingy on! Put the...

Aah!

Aah!

Go left!

Yeah!

Oh!

- All right, last one.
- You need to get this one.

- Yeah?
- Last one.

- All right.
- Ready?

Start praying.

He's good.

What do you want?

- Uh, that one, please.
- No worries.

There you go.

- Happy?
- Yeah.

What are we doing for Christmas?

What do you want to do?

Well, my family are going
to my folks for lunch...

- Yeah.
- ... and I was wondering

if you and Bruce and Britt...
wanted to come.

Yeah, I'll ask Brucey.

But Britt and I will definitely come.

Okay.

- Girls, you want an ice cream?
- Yeah!

- Yes.
- Yeah, that's a surprise.

- Let me get a scoop of chocolate.
- Right.

Two scoops. Why not? Fill it up.

- Two?
- Yeah.

And there you go.

Thank you.

- Uh, excuse me?
- Yeah?

I asked for two scoops.

Oh, yeah, there's two scoops there.

How come they're the same size, then?

See?

Well, there's one scoop
in this cup, right?

- Yeah.
- And two scoops in this cup?

- Yeah.
- So how come they're the same size, then?

Oh. No, sorry, I...

There-There's as much in
this one as this one.

Right, I pushed the two scoops down more

so that they'd both fit into the cup.

- Just don't worry about it.
- What? It's a fucking rip-off.

I put the same-size scoops in there.

You put the same-size scoops in there?

- Yes.
- I don't fucking think so, mate.

Look.

Scoops. Same height.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, um, like I was saying,
I pushed it down, so...

Two scoops. Yeah, yeah.

- One still should be bigger.
- Mm-hmm.

If you're n... if you're not happy...

- Give me two scoops.
- Okay.

Fucking wrong with this guy.

- Deaf or something.
- I'm really sorry about that.

There's another scoop.

All right, that's better.

You get what I mean,
right, about the scoops?

Oh, yeah, totally. It's completely fine.

- Yeah, all good.
- Mm-hmm.

All right, let's go.

You got a problem, mate?

Yeah, mate. Would you
like one, would you?

Well, come on.

- Let's go.
- Ray.

- Huh?
- It's not worth it.

- Well, come on.
- Eh...

Yeah, that's what I thought. Fag.

Uh, what do you want, girls?

- What flavor?
- Eh? What do you want?

- Uh...
- I want salted caramel.

- Salted caramel?
- Yeah.

I want mint choc chip.

- Mint choc... that's my favorite.
- Yeah.

- How many scoops you want?
- Have a good night.

Dad?

- Oh. God. Oh! Sorry, it's...
- Don't hit Ally!

No, darling, it's okay.
It's okay. It's, um...

- We're okay. We're just...
- Why were you hitting her?

- No, no, no, no. It's okay.
- I... I wasn't hitting.

- No...
- I wasn't. I wasn't. No,

we're just mucking around, love.

- Um...
- Just-just... just mucking around,

- just playful. And it's all right.
- What were you doing?

Um...

We were having sex.

Oh, Jesus.

Um, has Mum had the birds and
the bees chat with you, love?

- What?
- The sex talk.

Has Mum talked to you about sex?

- No.
- Okay.

Well, we... We'll... we'll...

We'll have a talk about it, okay?

Why don't you just go to
your room, and we'll... ?

I'll come in in a minute, all right?

Just give us a minute.

Ah, man. Mm.

Jesus Christ.

Fucking heart attack.

Oh...

Okay. So...

When a man and a woman love each other,

all right, they have sex.

Okay?

So, um...

... when they have sex,
the man puts his penis...

- You know what a penis is?
- Dad.

Okay.

So, the man takes his penis,

and he puts it inside
the woman's vagina.

What? Why?

Well, 'cause that's how you make a baby.

So, do you know what, um...

do you know what testicles are?

- Balls?
- Mm.

Balls, yeah. Okay. So,
in the man's balls,

there's things called sperm.

- Okay?
- Okay.

And they're kind of like,
um, like little fish.

- Fish?
- Mm.

No. Nah, they're more
like, um, tadpoles.

You've got tadpoles in your balls?

They're kind of like tadpoles,
but they're smaller.

- Mm.
- Okay?

So, anyway, when the man and
the woman have sex, right,

the sperm... the little tadpoles...

swim out of the man's penis, right,

and go into the woman's vagina.

And then they swim up into...

the woman's... tummy.

Mm. There's an egg. Where
there's an egg there.

- An egg?
- Yeah. No, it's...

it's not a... it's not a
hard egg. It's not like...

Not like a chicken egg.
It's-it's a soft egg.

And there's, like, millions
of these sperm, okay?

So, the sperm that swims the fastest

out of all those millions, right,

is the first one that gets to the egg,

and that's the one that makes the baby.

So, when you were a sperm,
you swam the fastest.

So, if I was the fastest sperm,

how come I'm not a good swimmer now?

Um...

- Well...
- Wait. So, hang on.

I came from your balls?

Half of you came from my balls.

Half-half of you came from my balls,

and the other half came
from your mum's tummy.

That's weird.

Mm.

So, are you gonna make a sister for me?

Uh, no, we're not planning to. No.

Why are you doing sex, then?

Um... 'cause it feels nice.

Gross!

It's not that bad. It's a bit gross.

♪ Lights out... ♪

How you going, love?

G'day. What can I do you for?

Just a couple of dimmies. Thanks, love.

Okay.

So, how's your day going?

It's all right. How's yours?

Oh, you know. Same old, same old.

- Yeah.
- Boring.

There you go. That's $6.80, thanks.

- Keep the change, love, all right?
- Aw, thanks.

♪ Together we'll get through ♪

♪ I don't have the time... ♪

♪ I promise, baby, you ♪

♪ Hold on to me tight ♪

♪ I'm hanging by your side... ♪

Here we go.

Hey, Steph. How are you, doll?

- G'day. Not bad. You?
- Good.

- Good.
- I'm doing good, love.

- You want a drink, mate?
- Yeah, a lemon i...

lemon iced tea, man.

Ray?

How are you, mate?

I don't believe it.

- Ray Shoesmith.
- Yeah.

- How you been? All right?
- Jesus. I'm real good, mate.

Geez, it's good to... Oh.

- Mate, it's good to see you.
- Yeah. Same, Vinnie.

- No, really. Seriously.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- Fucking good to see you.
- Yeah, same, mate. Yeah.

What the... ? You-you
live around here, do you?

Yeah, just about ten
minutes down the road.

- Nice, nice.
- You around here, too, eh?

Yeah, yeah. Hey, listen,
uh, Pauly, mate.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. I was real sorry to hear about Pauly.

- Oh, yeah.
- I was real sorry to hear

- about that, mate.
- Yeah. Thanks, mate.

Now, I would've come to the
funeral, I was overseas.

- Yeah, no, it's all right. Thank you.
- He was a good bloke, but...

- Yeah. Great bloke.
- Yeah, sorry.

- Yeah. yeah.
- Yeah. Anyway, so what you got there?

- What you... ? Dimmies.
- Dimmies, mate.

- Yeah.
- Ah, can't go past the dimmies, mate.

- Surely can't.
- Hey. Hey, listen.

Have you tried the sausage rolls?

- Uh, no. No, I haven't.
- Oh, fuck. Hey, Steph.

Old mate here... he's never tried
one of your sausage rolls.

- Coming right up, Vinnie.
- I'll pay for it. Yeah?

- Yeah.
- All right. I...

It might sound like I'm carrying on,

but seriously, she makes
them fresh here every day.

They're the best sausage
rolls in the country,

- I swear to God. Put that down there...
- Oh, yeah?

- I'll give it a crack, mate. I got to run.
- All right.

- Yeah, I'm late already.
- Ah.

- Good to see you. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Real good. Real good.

- You look good.
- You, too. You haven't aged.

- Yeah. Look after yourself.
- Well, yeah.

- It's real good to see you, mate.
- Talk to you soon.

Now, some of those numbers
aren't gonna add up exactly,

- but I think...
- Some of 'em?

You know what to do.

- Some of 'em. Couple of 'em.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Couple of 'em. Hi, mate.

- You all right?
- Yeah, good.

- You sticking around for a bit?
- Yeah.

I want to talk to you about
something, you know.

- All right.
- How you doing, man?

- Yeah.
- Ray.

Nasir.

- We got to have a chat, all right?
- I'll catch you later.

- Is that the guy?
- No, mate. Come on.

- Is that the guy?
- Let's go.

Answer me!

I'm gonna teach you about loss.

Excuse me?

- Get to work, please now.
- I know your face now.

- Get to work, Ray!
- Gonna teach you about loss!

Davros' brother, was it?

Why the fuck would you
bring him in here?

Yeah, I know, I know.

Hey, listen, um, that shit he said...

don't worry about that.

He's just... he's just upset, you know?

Is he a crim?

No. No, he's an accountant.

He's been helping me with the books.

Yeah.

I can't even remember the
last time I got laid.

How long's it been?

Oh, shit.

Year and a half, maybe.

Mm.

Well,

I could, uh, organize something
for you, if you want.

I hate knock shops.

No, I'd just get one
of the girls from work

to come pay you a visit.

Mm.

Maybe.

Mm.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

When I don't feel like
doing any of this anymore,

will you help me?

Help you with what?

You know... call it quits.

Die?

Yeah.

Cross that bridge when
we come to it, mate, eh?

Yeah, okay.

You know, Britt'd miss you.

Yeah, I know.

I'd probably miss you
for about five minutes.

You know, you guys are the only reason

I've stuck around as long as I have.

Mm.

Ray. How are you?

How come you didn't come to the club?

Yeah, sorry.

Totally forgot. My fault.

So, you gonna invite me in or... ?

Yeah, 'course. Come in, come in.

So, what's been happening?

Oh, not much.

What's been happening with you?

Oh, mate, heaps, actually. Yeah.

I, um, had an audition
for a pilot yesterday.

So, pretty stoked about that.

- Like a TV show?
- Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah. It's, uh...

You here for the dough?

No, just thought I'd come around

and see how your acting career is going.

Yeah.

Uh, mate, I'm gonna have to
get that to you on Wednesday.

Said you'd have the money, man.

No, I know. I know I did.

And I'm sorry, but I'm
definitely gonna have it

by Wednesday. Definitely.

I have to give you a touch-up.

What? But Wednesday's two days away.

Yeah, I know when Wednesday is.

Okay. Um...

well, could it not be the face?

It's got to be the face.

Why?

It's got to be somewhere
where people can see it.

Why?

So, if Freddy sees you,

he knows I've done my job.

- Okay.
- Cool?

- Yep.
- All right.

Cool. All right.

Don't-don't use my uke, please.

My nan gave me that.

Happy?

- Yeah.
- Cool.

Don't flinch, all right?

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Mate, mate, it's just my mum.
It's just my mum,

- okay? Please. Pl...
- Why didn't you fucking say something?

She's staying with me for a couple days.

Please?

- Hello.
- How you doing?

Mum, this is Ray. He's a mate of mine.

Hi. I'm Lorraine.

Nice to meet you.

Well, I'm gonna make a cuppa.

Would you boys like one?

Um...

Yeah.

Thanks, love.

Mm-mmm.

So, what do you do, Ray?

Security, mainly.

- Oh.
- Mm.

So, you're just here
for a couple of days,

- are you?
- Yes.

I'm actually living in
Broken Hill at the moment.

Been there a few years now.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

I went through there a few
years ago. Nice, uh...

It's got a good feel to it.

Yeah, it's nice.

It's got a real community
feel about it, which I like.

Yeah, well, you don't get much
of that around here, do you?

No, you don't.

Mm.

I lived in St Kilda for many years,

and there's very little
community spirit there,

- I can tell you.
- Mm. Mm.

Mm. We better get going.

Oh, shit. Yeah.

Um, we got to pick up my
sister from work, so...

Actually, Mum,

um, me and Ray...

we've got to r-rehearse
for an audition I've got.

- Oh, another one?
- Yeah.

So... is that all right?

Yeah. That's fine.

I'll take my car.

- Great.
- Oh.

I'll get that door for you, love.

Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you, Ray.
- Okay.

Oh, and... break a leg.

I will. Thanks.

Just-just not the teeth.

Hey? I've just spent
eight grand on veneers.

- Anything else?
- No, that's it.

Oh! Oh!

Oh... I've got it!

I've got it! I've got the fucking money.

I've got it.

Fuck!

Why didn't you just give
me the fucking money

when I asked for it?

I'm going to L.A. for pilot season.

No, you're not.

No, no, no, no, no, no!