Mr Don & Mr George (1993): Season 1, Episode 6 - This Is This... Goodbye Is Goodbye. - full transcript
Donold and Georges friendship expires and Donold sits a test, but ends up getting pawned by George in order to cover the rental of his glasses.
"To George, the bestest friend
in the whole wide world."
Er, George, I've got a little...
Five, four, three, two, one.
BELL RINGS
Right, that's it - it's expired.
Well, what's expired?
Our friendship.
I'm sorry, but your five year
tenure of friendship with me,
Donald McDiarmid,
has just expired.
All right, so, how did I shape up?
Ah, thank you.
I mean, there have, of course, been
times, Donald, when I've wanted to
skin you alive with
a blunt potato peeler.
Well, natural in a friendship
Exactly.
And, of course, I would be lying,
Donald, if I was to maintain that
only this very moment I wasn't
involved in a furious negotiations
in a bid to see you as camel
food to a group of infamous
and lethal Arabian slave traders.
Yes, well, it's always almost a
marriage, you and me, isn't it?
And how's it been for you,
Donaldo? Oh, fine, fine.
There was that Wednesday,
though, when you nearly made me
Well,
yeah... But I think in retrospect
that was just one of my notorious
Seemingly, yes.
So, we've have both had
our ups and our downs.
So what do we do now,
do we just carry on?
Well, I'm checking the contract.
Oh, yes, rules is rules.
Yes, well, exactly.
We can't go breaking the law.
Ah, here we are. Clause 22,
paragraph three.
"At the end of the
tenure of friendship,
"in order to determine his
suitability as George's companion,
"Donald will be liable
to sit an examination."
Well, what sort of
questions will there be?
Ah, it's just a formality,
nothing too arduous, you know.
Just a few questions about me.
So, it'll be a fascinating
couple of hours for you,
and then, a short general
knowledge quiz to ensure
that you'll be an interesting
conversationalist.
I've often wondered, George, what
makes an interesting conversation?
Ah, well, here's for an eg -
say I were to say to you,
"Donald, what is the only capital
city of Europe not situated
Mm-hm.
And you were to reply, "Madrid."
Then that would be an interesting
Right, right.
Well, I'm willing
OK.
Donald, what is the only
capital city of Europe not
situated on a waterway?
Madr...
BOTH SNORE
Oh, George...
We've been sleep-decorating
Ah...
It's tired me out.
So I'm going to do some
walk-walking to the bedroom,
and then do some sleep-speaking.
Me, too, I think.
Hey, hey, hey. Not you.
You have an exam nine o'clock
tomorrow morning.
You've got some
cram-cramming to do.
Donald. Donald, Donald.
Ah. Morning, George.
Mr McDiarmid to you.
What's this?
Oh. "Australia, zinc,
E equals mc squared."
Ah. Yeah, I know what's happened.
I've been sleep-cutting-up-possible-
answers-and-sticking-them-to-
the-inside-of-my-glasses-ing.
Again.
Oh!
Now my shirt's dissolving.
And this?
Lucky mascot?
What do you take me for, Don?
A complete idiot?!
OK, what's your name?
My name's
Fluffy, and I'm your friend.
Cut the familiarity, pal!
Where'd you meet him?
I want to go on a picnic.
Ha! You can forget that, buddy,
until I get some answers.
The only picnic you'll
be having is...
...none!
This is your last chance.
Where'd you meet him?
It was his idea! His!
He forced me!
He promised a picnic if I helped!
You goddamn snitch!
Why, I oughta...!
I shoulda listened to Floppy.
He always said you had
a yellow streak a mile wide
running down your back!
I ain't taking the rap
for something I didn't do!
I ain't no patsy!
I'll see you in hell!
Agh-h-h-h...!
The
examination is about to begin.
Now, the rules of the exam
are as follows - in a few moments
I will ask you to turn
over your exam paper.
You will anxiously scan the
questions, you will experience
mounting panic when you realise none
of the subjects you have crammed up
on have come up.
You will proceed, nonetheless.
In the meantime, I shall stroll
the aisle diffidently, occasionally
glancing over your shoulder to
barely suppress a derisory laugh.
To pass the time, I shall
stare out of the window,
looking committed but underpaid.
I love observation comedy.
It's not observation comedy,
just observation.
Right, begin!
Finished!
"What colour is George's hair?"
Answer - "He doesn't have any."
Question - "How tall is George?"
Answer - "I'm not sure,
"I'm still wondering what
happened to his hair."
Question - "Spell, George
is devilishly handsome."
Answer - "B-A-L-D."
So, uh, what did I get? An A? A B?
Z minus!
Is that a pass or a fail?
It's an abysmal double
failure, with honours.
I'm afraid, Donald, that you're
just going to have to relinquish
your position as my best friend.
HE PLAYS FANFARE
BUGLE PLAYS
So, George, now that I'm,
er, not your best friend,
I suppose I'd better be off then?
Oh, no, you don't have to go.
I'm sure we'll find some
other function for you.
You know, maybe a kind of...
HE BARKS AND PANTS LIKE DOG
..sounding kind of area.
Oh, I see.
Yes.
Well, what would I have to do?
Well, not much.
chase
the occasional stick. Uh-huh.
I wouldn't have to, er...
Wouldn't have to what?
Well, you know, I wouldn't
have to lick my own...
Well, I'm not licking them!
In that case, I think, no.
It's a shame, because apart
from the hygiene arrangements,
it did sound quite appealing, but...
Well, all right, some other form of
Well, what about a parrot?
That way, I could talk at least.
Excellent idea.
Excellent idea.
Would you like a cage?
Would you like a cage?
This isn't going to work, is it?
This isn't going to work, is it?
This is actually going
to get quite annoying.
This is actually going
to get quite anno...
No, I don't think it up to being
a pet, Don, you know, I'm afraid.
Sorry. Maybe an inanimate object.
A bin! That's it, yes.
Or a spoon. A big flabby,
chubby, wobbly spoon, yeah.
A toilet, that's it.
Oh, do you think so?
What gives you the right
to determine what I will
or will not be?
When I was your friend,
you always made the decisions.
Now I'm not your friend, you're
still trying to control my life.
Well, I've had enough.
I like being a parrot.
So it's a parrot,
or nothing.
Then nothing it shall be!
Never darken my door step again!
Pleasure!
Hey, one moment!
There is the small matter
of the £6.32 you owe me.
What £6.32?
The rental for the spectacles,
as you well know.
That is a trifling sum!
A debt's a debt!
But if you're going to make such
a song and dance about it,
you can forget
it. No, no.
I will not be owing
you money, George Mc...
..Diarmid.
I'm going to do something I should
have done a long time ago.
I'm going to sit my eleven-plus.
Get a decent education,
a proper job, make some money,
No.
That's going to take too long.
We are going to go to...
George Bailey's Building and Loan?
James Stewart will
No.
We're going to... the pawnshop!
Gentlemen, how can I help you?
How much will you give
my enemy for his watch?
I'm not going to pawn this watch.
This watch was given to me
by the person who sold it to me
in the shop that I bought it in.
Your gold pen, then.
But this pen's been in my family's
pockets for generations.
My grandfather passed it down to
my father. Well, up, actually,
cos my father was taller
than my grandfather.
And then he passed it down
to me cos I was smaller,
and you expect me to pawn it?
Anyway, it doesn't work.
As it happens, I've lost it, so...
In that case, there's
only one thing for it!
You mean...?
Well, do you? D'you mean...?
Do I mean... what?
You haven't finished your sentence.
I don't know what YOU mean.
You mean...?
Yes, I don't know what you mean!
Well, neither do I. I can't remember
what we were talking about.
Well, I-I-I was just saying
there's only one thing for it.
Yes.
We're going to have to pawn you.
Well, we worked that out.
Yeah, seemed to.
Right, up, hey.
OK. How much? The lot.
Oh, somewhere between
£6.31 and £6.33.
Oof. £6.32?
Your drive a hard bargain!
You must think
I'm Father Christmas.
No, he might, though.
Yes, Meccano and a
mountain bike, please.
I thought so.
So, what happens?
I just sit here like
an object in a pawnshop?
Precisely.
Unless some blind
stupid idiot buys you.
So... this is goodbye.
No.
This is this. Goodbye is goodbye.
Of course, yes.
This!
Ha! His. Right, that'll be mine.
Mine. That's his.
Ours.
Right.
Ha! Excellent, excellent.
Alone at last. Excellent.
Cup of tea, yeah. Cup of tea.
Oh, no, no, yes. Of course...
It was always in here
when he made the tea...
Right, erm...
That's not tea. What about...
Tea, tea, tea...
Tea, ah!
"Refreshing drink made from the
leaves of a big Indian bush."
No wonder he took so long
at the shops. Gah!
A big bush? Indian bush, right!
Of course.
Ah-ha! This will do!
Nice cup of tea.
Right.
Just wait for that
to get hot and wet.
Right.
His.
What's this?
His.
"To George..."
The bestest friend in
the whole wide world?
This is the only watch you have?
I'm afraid so.
I really wanted one
with a second hand.
Er... my watch
has got a second hand.
£8.45.
What do you think, dear?
Let me see...
What is the time?
It's 3.32 and 14 seconds.
Well, it's very precise.
And it could come in useful...
Regarding the other little matter.
We'll take the big watch.
Oh, no...
I've been a cruel and heartless.
No, maybe that's a bit strong.
I've been a little unkind.
No, even that's being a
little bit harsh on me.
I've been fantastic!
But terribly misunderstood.
Oh, Don...
Waste not, want not.
Oh, Don, what have I done?
I've pawned him. Of course.
That's what I've done!
It may not be too late!
Don, I'm sorry! I apolog-...
Wait! Where's my friend?
I just sold him.
Now,
it's funny you should say that,
because I don't normally know much
about my customers,
but, er, this pair were different.
Yes, yes. Their names?
I dunno. There was some sort of
rapport with this particular couple.
They told me their full names, their
address, their telephone number...
Do you know, I think I could even
stretch to their postcode.
It's indelibly etched in my mind.
I suppose I've got a sort of,
er, photographic memory.
It's a gift, really.
GEORGE CHUCKLES
So, you could give me
their names and address?
Oh, yes, I could do that.
That would be a matter
of the utmost simplicity.
I could give you the information
in a number of languages, actually.
Hah! Marvellous!
That's another facility, languages.
Or backwards, if you like.
Another little party piece of mine.
Yeah. Amazed and enthralled
as I am by your genius,
forwards and in English
will be fine. Certainly.
HE CLEARS HIS THROT
The couple you are seeking,
the couple who so recently purchased
your good friend, Donald MacDiarmid,
the couple who hold the key
to your imminent reunion,
delight, bask and rejoice
in the name of...
Argh!
Oh, my God, he's dead!
I... I'll never see Don again.
Ahhhhhh!
HE PLAYS MELANCHOLY TUNE
If only there were some way
of finding out the name
of the person who bought him!
KLAXON BLARES
But there isn't, I suppose.
If only...
there was an invoice or something!
BURST OF DRAMATIC INCIDENTAL MUSIC
I sink it is
time to tell our friend
ze real reason zat we bought him.
But first,
I sink a laugh is in order.
Indeed.
BOTH CACKLE UPROARIOUSLY
BURST OF OMINOUS INCIDENTAL MUSIC
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Now, Donald -
and
four-and-three-quarter seconds.
Quiet, Schweinhund!
Sorry?
Your government is showing undue interest
in our activities during ze war.
Er, should you be confronted by
any of these Nazi-hunters,
either you pose as
our natural-born son,
age 51, raised by us in Britain,
or...
I get to go home?
..we kill you.
HIGGINBOTTOMS CACKLE UPROARIOUSLY /
DONALD LAUGHS NERVOUSLY / SOBS
MR HIGGINBOTTOM LAUGHS
Ve shall never be brought
to trial now!
It's an excellent plan.
Actually, nein.
It is a terrible plan.
True.
But it's the only one we've got.
But it will fool ze Britishers,
for zey are all Dummkopfs.
Apart from Alf Tupper.
Ja. Alf is good.
If only ve could make ourselves
seem more English,
to further fool ze authorities.
Vat ve need is a butler!
DOORBELL RINGS
Hello, there! I know this is
an incredible long shot,
but you wouldn't be interested in
a butler, would you? I'm a butler.
This is my butling bag,
absolutely stuffed to bursting
with the latest butling equipment.
Oh, yes!
I received a double first,
actually, in butling,
from the Royal Institute
of Associated Butles,
and, er, I've butled for
many leading, distinguished,
er, ENGLISH
families like yourself.
Ah, marvellous! Please come in.
Thank you.
Now! Your duties as a butler
are as follows.
DOORBELL RINGS
Right. That's fine.
I think I can handle that.
DOORBELL RINGS
DOORBELL RINGS
Yes! Yes, we've established that!
What are my other duties?!
DOORBELL RINGS
ANSWER THE DOOR!
HE LAUGHS
What did your last servant die of?
Oh, hello.
A Higginbottom?
Ah! Zey are coming.
Now, this evening
I am having a small dinner party.
I shall require ze table set,
and ze guests
to be met at ze door,
and given drinks in... ze chamber.
I won't have time for all that!
I'll be busy butling!
Vat exactly do you consider
butling to be?
Oh, this... kind of thing.
HE GASPS
Don!
I'm back! We've got to go!
Come on, Don! We've all been pawned
by our best friends before.
Come on! You're in great danger!
You've fallen in with Nazis!
Well, I'd rather be in with them
than out with you.
HE SIGHS
Don, Don!
You've got to get out of this
mood. We've got to escape.
Not coming!
GEORGE SIGHS
Look!
Forget... Look!
Come on! Hurry!
HE PLAYS ENTHUSIASTIC FANFARE
Let's go!
Oh, come on!
I've given you your kit back!
You're now officially my bestest
friend in the whole wide world.
What more do you want?
HE SIGHS
HE SIGHS AGAIN
I apologise unreservedly...
for everything I've ever done
in the past...
..and admit you're the best.
At what?
At...
HE GRUNTS / MUTTERS
Didn't quite catch that, George.
At everything!
LET'S GO!
DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL
INCIDENTAL MUSIC
Oh! We were just going for a turn
round the garden.
You're not going anyvhere.
If you please, Brunhilda.
Maybe I should just...
And you, my friend...
you know too much.
Oh! Flattery'll get you nowhere.
Oh. Back in the... Yes.
SOLEMN INCIDENTAL MUSIC
WITH SLOWLY TOLLING BELL
35 seconds
we've been in here already!
I can't stand it!
Look on the bright side, Don.
At least I've learned
to play baseball.
IN RP ENGLISH ACCENT:
I don't give a Dougie Bader!
ALSO IN RP: OK, then, skipper.
What about a game of chess?
A long one.
We've got plenty of time.
Steady, man! Steady!
I'm going mad.
Mad, I tell you.
Can't stand another bally day
cooped up in here.
I've got to get out, d'you see?
All right. Let's
go to the kitchen. All right. Come on.
of
here. Oh, if only we had a plan!
SQUEAKING
Of course!
So obvious!
Our means of escape.
Ready, Don?
Ready, George.
Let's go.
It's not working!
Damn! I thought it was foolproof!
Vat is going on?!
GEORGE MUTTERS PLACATINGLY
Oh! Er, yes. We're just rehearsing
the Christmas panto.
Keep morale up.
We're doing... We're doing, er...
Jerry And Jerry. No offence!
Very vell!
Now, remember, zis evening,
you serve us dinner at eight.
Ve vould like toad in ze hole!
Toad! Of course!
Let's get dressed as toads!
No, George. I think we're
concentrating on the wrong thing.
It's not what we're wearing
that's important.
It's the size of the hole.
Right. Let's get digging.
These should do the trick.
Haven't you learnt anything
from the Colditz story?
We dig... with these.
Ah! Right, Don. We're ready.
This should give us
a few hours' start.
Agh! Oh, yeah!
Brilliant tunnelling!
I'm a bit disappointed.
I was aiming for the kitchen.
Well, only three floors off, eh?
You're late! Vat kept you?
Ve're two forks short.
HEAVENLY CHOIR
Adolf and Brunhilda Higginbottom,
25, Beechwood Avenue.
Where have YOU been?
You said you'd see me in hell.
SWING-STYLE BIG-BAND THEME MUSIC
in the whole wide world."
Er, George, I've got a little...
Five, four, three, two, one.
BELL RINGS
Right, that's it - it's expired.
Well, what's expired?
Our friendship.
I'm sorry, but your five year
tenure of friendship with me,
Donald McDiarmid,
has just expired.
All right, so, how did I shape up?
Ah, thank you.
I mean, there have, of course, been
times, Donald, when I've wanted to
skin you alive with
a blunt potato peeler.
Well, natural in a friendship
Exactly.
And, of course, I would be lying,
Donald, if I was to maintain that
only this very moment I wasn't
involved in a furious negotiations
in a bid to see you as camel
food to a group of infamous
and lethal Arabian slave traders.
Yes, well, it's always almost a
marriage, you and me, isn't it?
And how's it been for you,
Donaldo? Oh, fine, fine.
There was that Wednesday,
though, when you nearly made me
Well,
yeah... But I think in retrospect
that was just one of my notorious
Seemingly, yes.
So, we've have both had
our ups and our downs.
So what do we do now,
do we just carry on?
Well, I'm checking the contract.
Oh, yes, rules is rules.
Yes, well, exactly.
We can't go breaking the law.
Ah, here we are. Clause 22,
paragraph three.
"At the end of the
tenure of friendship,
"in order to determine his
suitability as George's companion,
"Donald will be liable
to sit an examination."
Well, what sort of
questions will there be?
Ah, it's just a formality,
nothing too arduous, you know.
Just a few questions about me.
So, it'll be a fascinating
couple of hours for you,
and then, a short general
knowledge quiz to ensure
that you'll be an interesting
conversationalist.
I've often wondered, George, what
makes an interesting conversation?
Ah, well, here's for an eg -
say I were to say to you,
"Donald, what is the only capital
city of Europe not situated
Mm-hm.
And you were to reply, "Madrid."
Then that would be an interesting
Right, right.
Well, I'm willing
OK.
Donald, what is the only
capital city of Europe not
situated on a waterway?
Madr...
BOTH SNORE
Oh, George...
We've been sleep-decorating
Ah...
It's tired me out.
So I'm going to do some
walk-walking to the bedroom,
and then do some sleep-speaking.
Me, too, I think.
Hey, hey, hey. Not you.
You have an exam nine o'clock
tomorrow morning.
You've got some
cram-cramming to do.
Donald. Donald, Donald.
Ah. Morning, George.
Mr McDiarmid to you.
What's this?
Oh. "Australia, zinc,
E equals mc squared."
Ah. Yeah, I know what's happened.
I've been sleep-cutting-up-possible-
answers-and-sticking-them-to-
the-inside-of-my-glasses-ing.
Again.
Oh!
Now my shirt's dissolving.
And this?
Lucky mascot?
What do you take me for, Don?
A complete idiot?!
OK, what's your name?
My name's
Fluffy, and I'm your friend.
Cut the familiarity, pal!
Where'd you meet him?
I want to go on a picnic.
Ha! You can forget that, buddy,
until I get some answers.
The only picnic you'll
be having is...
...none!
This is your last chance.
Where'd you meet him?
It was his idea! His!
He forced me!
He promised a picnic if I helped!
You goddamn snitch!
Why, I oughta...!
I shoulda listened to Floppy.
He always said you had
a yellow streak a mile wide
running down your back!
I ain't taking the rap
for something I didn't do!
I ain't no patsy!
I'll see you in hell!
Agh-h-h-h...!
The
examination is about to begin.
Now, the rules of the exam
are as follows - in a few moments
I will ask you to turn
over your exam paper.
You will anxiously scan the
questions, you will experience
mounting panic when you realise none
of the subjects you have crammed up
on have come up.
You will proceed, nonetheless.
In the meantime, I shall stroll
the aisle diffidently, occasionally
glancing over your shoulder to
barely suppress a derisory laugh.
To pass the time, I shall
stare out of the window,
looking committed but underpaid.
I love observation comedy.
It's not observation comedy,
just observation.
Right, begin!
Finished!
"What colour is George's hair?"
Answer - "He doesn't have any."
Question - "How tall is George?"
Answer - "I'm not sure,
"I'm still wondering what
happened to his hair."
Question - "Spell, George
is devilishly handsome."
Answer - "B-A-L-D."
So, uh, what did I get? An A? A B?
Z minus!
Is that a pass or a fail?
It's an abysmal double
failure, with honours.
I'm afraid, Donald, that you're
just going to have to relinquish
your position as my best friend.
HE PLAYS FANFARE
BUGLE PLAYS
So, George, now that I'm,
er, not your best friend,
I suppose I'd better be off then?
Oh, no, you don't have to go.
I'm sure we'll find some
other function for you.
You know, maybe a kind of...
HE BARKS AND PANTS LIKE DOG
..sounding kind of area.
Oh, I see.
Yes.
Well, what would I have to do?
Well, not much.
chase
the occasional stick. Uh-huh.
I wouldn't have to, er...
Wouldn't have to what?
Well, you know, I wouldn't
have to lick my own...
Well, I'm not licking them!
In that case, I think, no.
It's a shame, because apart
from the hygiene arrangements,
it did sound quite appealing, but...
Well, all right, some other form of
Well, what about a parrot?
That way, I could talk at least.
Excellent idea.
Excellent idea.
Would you like a cage?
Would you like a cage?
This isn't going to work, is it?
This isn't going to work, is it?
This is actually going
to get quite annoying.
This is actually going
to get quite anno...
No, I don't think it up to being
a pet, Don, you know, I'm afraid.
Sorry. Maybe an inanimate object.
A bin! That's it, yes.
Or a spoon. A big flabby,
chubby, wobbly spoon, yeah.
A toilet, that's it.
Oh, do you think so?
What gives you the right
to determine what I will
or will not be?
When I was your friend,
you always made the decisions.
Now I'm not your friend, you're
still trying to control my life.
Well, I've had enough.
I like being a parrot.
So it's a parrot,
or nothing.
Then nothing it shall be!
Never darken my door step again!
Pleasure!
Hey, one moment!
There is the small matter
of the £6.32 you owe me.
What £6.32?
The rental for the spectacles,
as you well know.
That is a trifling sum!
A debt's a debt!
But if you're going to make such
a song and dance about it,
you can forget
it. No, no.
I will not be owing
you money, George Mc...
..Diarmid.
I'm going to do something I should
have done a long time ago.
I'm going to sit my eleven-plus.
Get a decent education,
a proper job, make some money,
No.
That's going to take too long.
We are going to go to...
George Bailey's Building and Loan?
James Stewart will
No.
We're going to... the pawnshop!
Gentlemen, how can I help you?
How much will you give
my enemy for his watch?
I'm not going to pawn this watch.
This watch was given to me
by the person who sold it to me
in the shop that I bought it in.
Your gold pen, then.
But this pen's been in my family's
pockets for generations.
My grandfather passed it down to
my father. Well, up, actually,
cos my father was taller
than my grandfather.
And then he passed it down
to me cos I was smaller,
and you expect me to pawn it?
Anyway, it doesn't work.
As it happens, I've lost it, so...
In that case, there's
only one thing for it!
You mean...?
Well, do you? D'you mean...?
Do I mean... what?
You haven't finished your sentence.
I don't know what YOU mean.
You mean...?
Yes, I don't know what you mean!
Well, neither do I. I can't remember
what we were talking about.
Well, I-I-I was just saying
there's only one thing for it.
Yes.
We're going to have to pawn you.
Well, we worked that out.
Yeah, seemed to.
Right, up, hey.
OK. How much? The lot.
Oh, somewhere between
£6.31 and £6.33.
Oof. £6.32?
Your drive a hard bargain!
You must think
I'm Father Christmas.
No, he might, though.
Yes, Meccano and a
mountain bike, please.
I thought so.
So, what happens?
I just sit here like
an object in a pawnshop?
Precisely.
Unless some blind
stupid idiot buys you.
So... this is goodbye.
No.
This is this. Goodbye is goodbye.
Of course, yes.
This!
Ha! His. Right, that'll be mine.
Mine. That's his.
Ours.
Right.
Ha! Excellent, excellent.
Alone at last. Excellent.
Cup of tea, yeah. Cup of tea.
Oh, no, no, yes. Of course...
It was always in here
when he made the tea...
Right, erm...
That's not tea. What about...
Tea, tea, tea...
Tea, ah!
"Refreshing drink made from the
leaves of a big Indian bush."
No wonder he took so long
at the shops. Gah!
A big bush? Indian bush, right!
Of course.
Ah-ha! This will do!
Nice cup of tea.
Right.
Just wait for that
to get hot and wet.
Right.
His.
What's this?
His.
"To George..."
The bestest friend in
the whole wide world?
This is the only watch you have?
I'm afraid so.
I really wanted one
with a second hand.
Er... my watch
has got a second hand.
£8.45.
What do you think, dear?
Let me see...
What is the time?
It's 3.32 and 14 seconds.
Well, it's very precise.
And it could come in useful...
Regarding the other little matter.
We'll take the big watch.
Oh, no...
I've been a cruel and heartless.
No, maybe that's a bit strong.
I've been a little unkind.
No, even that's being a
little bit harsh on me.
I've been fantastic!
But terribly misunderstood.
Oh, Don...
Waste not, want not.
Oh, Don, what have I done?
I've pawned him. Of course.
That's what I've done!
It may not be too late!
Don, I'm sorry! I apolog-...
Wait! Where's my friend?
I just sold him.
Now,
it's funny you should say that,
because I don't normally know much
about my customers,
but, er, this pair were different.
Yes, yes. Their names?
I dunno. There was some sort of
rapport with this particular couple.
They told me their full names, their
address, their telephone number...
Do you know, I think I could even
stretch to their postcode.
It's indelibly etched in my mind.
I suppose I've got a sort of,
er, photographic memory.
It's a gift, really.
GEORGE CHUCKLES
So, you could give me
their names and address?
Oh, yes, I could do that.
That would be a matter
of the utmost simplicity.
I could give you the information
in a number of languages, actually.
Hah! Marvellous!
That's another facility, languages.
Or backwards, if you like.
Another little party piece of mine.
Yeah. Amazed and enthralled
as I am by your genius,
forwards and in English
will be fine. Certainly.
HE CLEARS HIS THROT
The couple you are seeking,
the couple who so recently purchased
your good friend, Donald MacDiarmid,
the couple who hold the key
to your imminent reunion,
delight, bask and rejoice
in the name of...
Argh!
Oh, my God, he's dead!
I... I'll never see Don again.
Ahhhhhh!
HE PLAYS MELANCHOLY TUNE
If only there were some way
of finding out the name
of the person who bought him!
KLAXON BLARES
But there isn't, I suppose.
If only...
there was an invoice or something!
BURST OF DRAMATIC INCIDENTAL MUSIC
I sink it is
time to tell our friend
ze real reason zat we bought him.
But first,
I sink a laugh is in order.
Indeed.
BOTH CACKLE UPROARIOUSLY
BURST OF OMINOUS INCIDENTAL MUSIC
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Now, Donald -
and
four-and-three-quarter seconds.
Quiet, Schweinhund!
Sorry?
Your government is showing undue interest
in our activities during ze war.
Er, should you be confronted by
any of these Nazi-hunters,
either you pose as
our natural-born son,
age 51, raised by us in Britain,
or...
I get to go home?
..we kill you.
HIGGINBOTTOMS CACKLE UPROARIOUSLY /
DONALD LAUGHS NERVOUSLY / SOBS
MR HIGGINBOTTOM LAUGHS
Ve shall never be brought
to trial now!
It's an excellent plan.
Actually, nein.
It is a terrible plan.
True.
But it's the only one we've got.
But it will fool ze Britishers,
for zey are all Dummkopfs.
Apart from Alf Tupper.
Ja. Alf is good.
If only ve could make ourselves
seem more English,
to further fool ze authorities.
Vat ve need is a butler!
DOORBELL RINGS
Hello, there! I know this is
an incredible long shot,
but you wouldn't be interested in
a butler, would you? I'm a butler.
This is my butling bag,
absolutely stuffed to bursting
with the latest butling equipment.
Oh, yes!
I received a double first,
actually, in butling,
from the Royal Institute
of Associated Butles,
and, er, I've butled for
many leading, distinguished,
er, ENGLISH
families like yourself.
Ah, marvellous! Please come in.
Thank you.
Now! Your duties as a butler
are as follows.
DOORBELL RINGS
Right. That's fine.
I think I can handle that.
DOORBELL RINGS
DOORBELL RINGS
Yes! Yes, we've established that!
What are my other duties?!
DOORBELL RINGS
ANSWER THE DOOR!
HE LAUGHS
What did your last servant die of?
Oh, hello.
A Higginbottom?
Ah! Zey are coming.
Now, this evening
I am having a small dinner party.
I shall require ze table set,
and ze guests
to be met at ze door,
and given drinks in... ze chamber.
I won't have time for all that!
I'll be busy butling!
Vat exactly do you consider
butling to be?
Oh, this... kind of thing.
HE GASPS
Don!
I'm back! We've got to go!
Come on, Don! We've all been pawned
by our best friends before.
Come on! You're in great danger!
You've fallen in with Nazis!
Well, I'd rather be in with them
than out with you.
HE SIGHS
Don, Don!
You've got to get out of this
mood. We've got to escape.
Not coming!
GEORGE SIGHS
Look!
Forget... Look!
Come on! Hurry!
HE PLAYS ENTHUSIASTIC FANFARE
Let's go!
Oh, come on!
I've given you your kit back!
You're now officially my bestest
friend in the whole wide world.
What more do you want?
HE SIGHS
HE SIGHS AGAIN
I apologise unreservedly...
for everything I've ever done
in the past...
..and admit you're the best.
At what?
At...
HE GRUNTS / MUTTERS
Didn't quite catch that, George.
At everything!
LET'S GO!
DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL
INCIDENTAL MUSIC
Oh! We were just going for a turn
round the garden.
You're not going anyvhere.
If you please, Brunhilda.
Maybe I should just...
And you, my friend...
you know too much.
Oh! Flattery'll get you nowhere.
Oh. Back in the... Yes.
SOLEMN INCIDENTAL MUSIC
WITH SLOWLY TOLLING BELL
35 seconds
we've been in here already!
I can't stand it!
Look on the bright side, Don.
At least I've learned
to play baseball.
IN RP ENGLISH ACCENT:
I don't give a Dougie Bader!
ALSO IN RP: OK, then, skipper.
What about a game of chess?
A long one.
We've got plenty of time.
Steady, man! Steady!
I'm going mad.
Mad, I tell you.
Can't stand another bally day
cooped up in here.
I've got to get out, d'you see?
All right. Let's
go to the kitchen. All right. Come on.
of
here. Oh, if only we had a plan!
SQUEAKING
Of course!
So obvious!
Our means of escape.
Ready, Don?
Ready, George.
Let's go.
It's not working!
Damn! I thought it was foolproof!
Vat is going on?!
GEORGE MUTTERS PLACATINGLY
Oh! Er, yes. We're just rehearsing
the Christmas panto.
Keep morale up.
We're doing... We're doing, er...
Jerry And Jerry. No offence!
Very vell!
Now, remember, zis evening,
you serve us dinner at eight.
Ve vould like toad in ze hole!
Toad! Of course!
Let's get dressed as toads!
No, George. I think we're
concentrating on the wrong thing.
It's not what we're wearing
that's important.
It's the size of the hole.
Right. Let's get digging.
These should do the trick.
Haven't you learnt anything
from the Colditz story?
We dig... with these.
Ah! Right, Don. We're ready.
This should give us
a few hours' start.
Agh! Oh, yeah!
Brilliant tunnelling!
I'm a bit disappointed.
I was aiming for the kitchen.
Well, only three floors off, eh?
You're late! Vat kept you?
Ve're two forks short.
HEAVENLY CHOIR
Adolf and Brunhilda Higginbottom,
25, Beechwood Avenue.
Where have YOU been?
You said you'd see me in hell.
SWING-STYLE BIG-BAND THEME MUSIC