Mr Don & Mr George (1993): Season 1, Episode 4 - You've Eaten My Future - full transcript
SWING-STYLE BIG-BAND THEME MUSIC
OK.
HE LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY
HE SOBS
HE GRUNTS CONSIDERINGLY
Wow, that is the best title
for a chapter 14 I have ever read.
Oh!
HE SIGHS
OK!
Right! Come on, Donald!
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
Ah, here he comes!
FOOTSTEPS SCRAPE / SYNCOPATE
Oh! Oh, don't hop up the stairs, Don!
No, no.
RAPID, RHYTHMIC STEPS
Why is he tap-dancing? Well,
that's good. It means he's happy.
RAPID FOOTSTEPS
Oh, he's running! OK, Donald!
Come on, son! Bring it in!
Well, George, what do you think?
I think, Don, that you've failed
once again to buy me breakfast.
Oh! I'm sorry, I...
there
was something. All right, Don.
Come on. Sit down.
Take me through it.
Well, it all started
very promisingly.
I was heading in the direction
of the bakery.
Well, you were off to a flyer, then!
Oh, yes. My best start in weeks.
That's when I saw the big sign.
Aha! A clue early on in our tale.
What... big... sign?
In a sports shop.
"Everything must go."
Well, I know you, Don. A man
who can't resist an imperative.
Exactly! Which is why I couldn't
resist the next big sign.
"Donald, this way."
and
that's where I picked up this.
Donald. It's an acronym. DONALD,
the Developing Overseas National
Alliance of Latin Democracies!
It's a trade conference, man!
So that's why they were a bit cross
when I burst in and shouted,
"Hello, everyone!
It's Donald. We can start now."
Didn't get an enthusiastic
response, then?
Well, eventually I did.
As soon as order was restored,
I started chatting about our
business and how well it was going
with a charming
fellow from Ecuador.
Don, question.
Chatting about our what?
Er,
now, correct me if I'm incorrect,
that
we actually do have a business.
Don't we?
Strange!
Why?
Cos I told him all about it.
I see. So, exactly what sort of
business are we in?
Well, you know, a sort of
businessy sort of business -
you know, sort of suits,
office equipmenty, secretary,
stationery, commutery,
filey-typey businessy.
He must've been
very impressed with you.
Oh, impressed?!
We virtually signed a deal.
We talked contracts,
money, partnerships...
I mean, if he likes our setup,
MacDiarmid and MacDiarmid
are about to become
the exclusive European consultants
to the Ecuadorian government.
"If he likes our setup"?
Well, call me a sceptic, Don,
but I think once your contacts
survey the full splendour
of our thriving industry,
I think he may consider his time
to have been spectacularly wasted.
Well, maybe he... he likes
the idea of the smaller...
Nonexistent.
..nonexistent operation.
Who is this idiot, anyway?
Well, that's him there.
Diaz Fernandez.
BURST OF DRAMATIC INCIDENTAL MUSIC
Di-Diaz Fernan-...
The author of Structural Pluralism
And The Planned Economy
In The Kate O'Connor Basin?!
You met...
I've got all... I've read...
I've read everything
Diaz Fernandez has ever written!
Diaz Fernandez is my hero!
And what's more, he looks
exactly like the guy I met!
He IS
the guy you met! Oh, aye?
And he's coming here?
I'll get to meet him.
We'll become firm friends.
GEORGE GASPS
He'll take me to sunny Ecuador!
I'll wave goodbye to
the drudgery and drizzle
of this desperate,
depressed, downtrodden,
deadly-dull Dreat Dritain!
South America, here I come!
HE PLAYS LIVELY
PERUVIAN-STYLE TUNE
And that means at last
the answer to MY prayers!
I'll get a chance to sleep
in the top bunk!
Yes, yes, yes. When's he coming?
Tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow morning...!
GEORGE SOBS
Tomorrow morning!
But we don't HAVE a business.
But I'll get to meet him anyway.
But he'll think I'm a fool.
I've got it! I could alternate
between the top bunk
and the bottom bunk!
Donald, we've got two problems.
What are we going to do,
and where are YOU going to do it?
I've got it again.
I'll do something,
and you do something else.
My God, that's brilliant!
You
go and borrow money from the DTI.
I'll fill in
the company-registration form.
go and borrow money from the DTI,
and YOU fill in
the company-registration form?
No. I insist that you borrow money
from the DTI.
I fill in
the company-registration form.
Compromise!
I'll go and borrow the money...
on the understanding
that you fill in the form.
All
right. Oh, and, Donald?
It's a business
meeting. You should, you know...
Dump the shoulder pads?
Naked?
No, no, no. Just...
Just the sports gear.
If you say so.
Oh, and, Don?
Yes?
Straight there. No imperatives.
We
come to section 47, company name.
Oh, no, we're sorted here. We've
decided what to call the company.
We think it's got a ring to it.
See what you think. ICI.
Oh! Oh, I see. Yes, right.
What about backwards?
Oh, I see your point. Yes.
Oh, it has to be a name
that isn't already in use?
Oh, well. Boots?
Oh, I see! Sorry!
Oh, not already in use
by somebody ELSE? I see.
Well, that changes everything.
Why didn't you say so before,
you daft bint?
Er... Marks & Spencer's?
Well, what do YOU suggest?
Oh, you may think Billy's a good name
for a company, madam, but I do not.
And, what's more, I would consider
that you were being facetious,
if I knew what it meant.
Just leave the name to me! Goodbye!
WHOOSHING SOUND
HE WHISTLES
THUMP!
Right!
Let's get this posted!
Mail's arrived.
Oh, excellent.
I'm just after posting this!
They do this every time!
Oh! What is the point of having
a letter bo-...
You're looking very pleased
with yourself, Donald.
Well, I managed to go straight to
the DTI office,
ignoring 14 imperatives.
Well!
It's a world record for you, eh?
Yes.
So! Did you get the money?
Well,
it all started off with a quiz.
Excellent. You can tell me later.
Did you get the money?
First off, they asked me
to spell MacDiarmid.
Now, you know me. I can spell words,
but I can't spell proper names.
I've seen you spell George!
I don't consider George
a proper name.
What did you give them
for MacDiarmid?
small
A, little C, big D, normal I,
A-R-M-I-D.
Correct.
D, double D,
D, D, triple D,
D, D.
Did... you get -
Then they tried to trick me.
They asked me for my phone number.
GEORGE SIGHS
But, now, you know -
Yes, you have a method for
remembering your phone number!
Did you get the money?!
And my method is this.
First off, it's 637.
So I remember it's a six,
followed by a three,
followed by a seven. 637.
Then it's 5561.
I've a little
sum here to help me.
Five plus five isn't six.
Nor is it one.
5561.
DID YOU GET THE MONEY?!
Yes! Did I not mention that?
Yeah, on the assurance
that he never had to see me again
for...
the rest of his life,
I think he said.
Yeah. He gave me a thousand
pounds. Donald, you've done it!
We're in business! I knew
there was a spring in your step.
Well, it's not every day you get
a thousand pounds from the DTI...
unless, of course,
it's every day from now on.
Hello, Mr Fernandez, eh?
Goodbye and good riddance
to grimy, grisly Great Gritain!
Go, geautiful Gouth Gamerica!
HE PLAYS HAPPY MELODY
This calls for a celebration!
What do you fancy?
Oh, a gin or a whisky.
Er, bit short on spirits.
Mm, beer or lager.
Bit short on alcohol.
Tea or coffee.
Oh, soft
drink, then. Coca Cola, 7 Up.
Any
vinegar in the pickled gherkins?
Just the gherkins, I'm afraid.
Well, whatever you've got.
Paracetamol?
Lovely!
Ah, so! A thousand lovely new
pounds! Yes. Cheers.
Cheers! Mmm!
So, let's see it. Come on.
Display our capital.
Show us the crinklies.
Slap the wad on the table!
What's that?
Er, £1.73.
Leaving £998.27 missing!
Oh, not missing. No, invested,
in... in office essentials.
Ah-ha-ha!
Close your eyes, George.
I want this to be a surprise.
OK, OK.
Ta-daaaaah!
Yes. I... I would consider, beyond
any shadow of a question of a doubt,
that this is a surprise.
These are office essentials?!
Well, I thought,
if we're gonna run an office, it's
essential that we're not hungry.
We can NEVER be this hungry.
Yeah. I was worried, as well.
You know me. When I get worried,
I have to eat lots.
What were you worried about?!
My God!
You're so worried about the business,
you spend all the company assets
on cornflakes?!
That was wrong, wasn't it?
There... There's wrong.
There's wronger than that.
There's the wrongest thing
that's ever been,
and then, over here,
here in this room, there's this!
That money was for the office!
But thanks anyway, Don. Well done.
FOOTSTEPS CRUNCH
Thanks for your help.
That's really great.
AUDIENCE GROANING SYMPATHETICALLY
I'll never see Ecuador now.
Still, it was a nice dream.
If you want me,
I'm in the bedroom.
FOOTSTEPS CRUNCH
HE PLAYS MOURNFUL TUNE
SOLEMNLY: Yes?
Got something to show you.
Not interested.
George, you're the best.
Don't care.
At everything.
Coming out!
There we go! One office!
Don! You've
done it! The dream lives!
HE PLAYS JOYFUL TUNE
Er, Don, what are you after?
There's a rogue box
of shredded wheat there.
I thought I'd catch up
Oh, no.
You can't expect
to impress Mr Fernandez
without an executive toy.
GEORGE LAUGHS GLEEFULLY
Surely I can have -
Hey-hey-hey!
You're being punished.
As you know,
until this deal is struck,
all food in this house
has been requisitioned
for use in the office.
So give me my pen.
Come on. Come on. Right.
Sit down. Right!
There we are!
Freddy Bob's is open for business.
Freddy Bob's?
Yes.
You've called our company
Freddy Bob's?
Yes.
It's an excellent name.
I know!
We were lucky. We nearly got saddled
Och, dear!
Now, Don, I've taken the liberty
of drawing up a little sign
advertising our business.
Er, bit of a problem.
I think the writing's a bit
small. Oh, no. Got it.
My fault. I'm too big.
Yes.
Well, I did have to list
ALL our services.
And where's the sign gonna go?
Out the window!
Come on, George. No-one's gonna be
able to read that from the street.
Course they will! The minute
Joe Public sees this sign,
the phones won't stop ringing.
HE SIGHS IN SATISFACTION
PHONE RINGS
Told you!
That'll be our first client.
Don't you answer that.
Get that, would you, miss?
PHONE CONTINUES TO RING
I knew there was something!
No secretary! I'll do this.
Hello. This is Freddy Bob's.
Unfortunately we cannot be contacted
at the moment,
as our secretary does not exist.
Please do not hesitate to contact us
the moment she comes into being.
Thank you!
PHONE RINGS
Look, I've told you...
Yes, this is Freddy Bob's.
No, we don't have a secretary.
Yes, we'd like one.
Yes, send her round.
Yes, I am 6'3".
Yes, they ARE
ridiculous spectacles.
Is it?!
Well, thank you!
I've been looking for that.
They're sending one round.
Oh, now, Don, this secretary,
this female secretary... Now,
she's probably going to be a woman.
Try not to get involved.
As if!
KNOCK AT DOOR
That'll be her!
Freddy Bob's?
Indeed!
Take a seat, Miss, er... Miss...
What makes you assume I'm a miss?
Oh, sorry. Mr...
Mrs.
Mr Missus! Excellent name.
Now, Mr Missus, obviously
there'll be certain standards
that you'll be required to meet.
Naturally!
So, if you wouldn't mind showing
us your secretarial skills.
Certainly. Hello? Freddy Bob's.
I'm putting you straight through.
KEYBOARD CLATTERS /
CARRIAGE BELL RINGS
That's the yearly cost report
finished, Mr MacDiarmid.
And your next appointment's at 3:30
with a Ms Henderson.
GEORGE CHUCKLES
Well, I don't know what
two-bob organisation trained you,
but we're in the market
for a SECRETARY, you know?
This kind of thing.
Really? Did he? Did he?
Nooooo!
Well, that's Greek men for you.
I told you you should've stuck with
that nice Spanish boy, Raimondo.
That's the sort of thing I meant.
Much more of this, you know,
the going
backwards... sort of thing.
And then, if you could make your
typing just a wee bit more flappy,
that's, you know, the kind of
thing we're looking for...
Although, obviously, admittedly,
we are willing to give
your method a try.
Oh,
I think we should discuss money first.
Oh, yes. Well, yes. We'd like to
pay an annual salary of £14,000.
Er, unfortunately we've only got
£1.73 in the coffers, but, er,
as I say, we would LIKE to pay you
an annual salary of £14,000.
Now, take a letter, please,
Mr Missus.
Dear... Who are we writing to?
Anyone.
Dear Anyone,
it has come to our attention
that we don't know who you are.
BEEPING
Right! That's £1.73's worth.
Goodbye.
Cheerio!
DON SOBS
How am I gonna cope?
I miss her so much!
I'll never see her again!
Come on, Don.
Time's a great healer.
Yeah, you're right.
HE SIGHS
No secretary.
No money, no clients!
That's it, Don. The dream is over.
I'll never see the sweeping,
sun-soaked, sandy seaches
of Sweston-super-Smare.
Don!
Why don't you take our business
to the people?
I mean, if they're not gonna come
up here for advice,
why don't you advise them
from out there?
Excellent!
Hi! You!
Yeah! You're bald, man.
Face up to it!
Don't sweep it over like that!
You're not fooling anyone!
That'll be £5 plus this!
That!
OK, that. £5 plus that!
Hoi, you! No, not you.
The ugly one. Yes, you!
Go to the dentist,
ya buck-toothed platypus.
I don't know. Toddlers today! Can't
take a piece of friendly ad-...
Hi!
Chet-chet-chet-chet-chet-chet-chet!
What's that in your mouth?
Mm?
Ah, well, let's
just see, shall we?
And
our office is made of cornflakes.
That's rather suspicious,
don't you think?
Anything else in there?
DON GRUNTS
Come on. Spit it out.
DON COUGHS
Look. Look. Bananas.
He was going to eat the office.
You were going to eat the office,
weren't you?
Told you! No eating!
Freddy Bob's? Oh, hello.
It's a, er... little
advice and consultancy bureau.
Please, er, take a seat.
Um...
Sorry! A bare head's a happy head.
That's just a...
GEORGE CHUCKLES
..just a little motto of ours
here at, er, Freduardo Babardo's,
to give it its, er,
international nomenclature.
Now, how may we best, um,
be of assistance to you?
I'm interested in buying a flat. I
need to know how much I can afford.
Oh, I don't think so.
No, no. I mean, I'm in a position
where I need to buy a house,
cos I'm getting married.
DON CHUCKLES
If you don't mind me saying,
I really think you should've thought
of that BEFORE you, er...
What?
Come on! We're all adults here!
Before you did the dirty!
What do you mean?
Oh, come on!
Before you got this tart of yours
up the stick!
She's not up the stick!
Oh! So, you admit she's a tart!
I didn't say that.
You're trying to trick me.
I put it to you that your testimony
today has been naught but a farrago,
a thin farrago at that, a tissue,
a thinly obscured veil of deceit!
I ask the jury to return
a verdict of guilty!
CHAIR CRUNCHES
Big Perry Mason fan.
Now, back to the mortgage.
I've got some advice for you.
Oh, thank God for that.
Dump her. She's not worth it.
Get the ring back, melt it down,
take the cash, jump the country.
No, no, no. Better still,
get some plastic surgery!
She'll never recognise you!
Besides which,
you'll be doing yourself a favour.
Look at your nose, man!
No, no, no!
Get HER some plastic surgery!
Put her near a toaster.
Her face'll melt off!
You can't marry a woman
without a face!
Surprise her in the shower!
Don't leave her spectacles
in the fairground, though.
Put your left leg in a cast.
Pretend you've broken it.
Dress up as a nun!
Win the singing competition and flee
to Switzerland in the dead of night!
Dump the babe in the freezer!
DON RINGS BELL
Yeah! You're right!
Oh, you've saved me from
a huge mistake!
Now I'm a... a free spirit,
free to travel!
Free to love again...
and, perhaps most importantly,
free to recommend
this wonderful advice agency
to every man, woman and child
in the country!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Ah, George, what a day, eh?
Just one thing after another.
That's right. We started off
Yes.
There was that other thing.
Yes, and then the thing after that.
Ah, hectic! Madness!
Yeah. You know what'll happen now!
Mm.
PHONE RINGS
That'll be it!
Aye.
Hello? OK. Bye-bye.
Well! That was Mr Fernandez.
He gave me
an endless, rambling story
about some meeting or other
being cancelled.
I didn't catch all of it. Anyway,
the point is that he's coming here
to visit us tonight,
in about two and a half minutes.
Two and a half minutes?!
I better practise my Spanish!
I didn't know you could speak
Oh, I'm practically fluent.
Huevos, fritas, dos cervezas.
Eggs, chips, two beers.
OK. You be Mr Fernandez,
and I'll practise chatting to you.
Right.
Buenos dias, Senor MacDiarmid!
Como esta usted?
Huevos!
Impressive, George!
HE SPEAKS FLUENT SPANISH
Fritas.
My, my, my!
HE SPEAKS FLUENT SPANISH
Oh! Dos cervezas.
Perfect.
Right! Remember, I do the talking.
ROUSING LATIN-AMERICAN
INCIDENTAL MUSIC
That sounds like him!
I'd better go and get changed!
Well, hurry up! He's coming!
OK!
Oh, and, Don,
stay calm! Don't worry!
OK.
ROUSING LATIN-AMERICAN
INCIDENTAL MUSIC
HAUNTING PHRASE FROM
"THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY"
Gambas!
Impressive, or...
I stayed calm.
I didn't worry.
Unfortunately... I panicked.
Don, my... my one big chance!
You've ruined it!
You've eaten my future!
If it's any consolation,
your future was delicious.
Buenos dias, se-...
What an embarrassment for us both!
I can't see our dreams
coming true now.
Ah, Dios mio!
Hundred free-gift coupons
for children climbing frames.
Just what Ecuador needs!
We are in business, senores!
ROUSING LATIN-AMERICAN
INCIDENTAL MUSIC
SWING-STYLE BIG-BAND THEME MUSIC
OK.
HE LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY
HE SOBS
HE GRUNTS CONSIDERINGLY
Wow, that is the best title
for a chapter 14 I have ever read.
Oh!
HE SIGHS
OK!
Right! Come on, Donald!
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
Ah, here he comes!
FOOTSTEPS SCRAPE / SYNCOPATE
Oh! Oh, don't hop up the stairs, Don!
No, no.
RAPID, RHYTHMIC STEPS
Why is he tap-dancing? Well,
that's good. It means he's happy.
RAPID FOOTSTEPS
Oh, he's running! OK, Donald!
Come on, son! Bring it in!
Well, George, what do you think?
I think, Don, that you've failed
once again to buy me breakfast.
Oh! I'm sorry, I...
there
was something. All right, Don.
Come on. Sit down.
Take me through it.
Well, it all started
very promisingly.
I was heading in the direction
of the bakery.
Well, you were off to a flyer, then!
Oh, yes. My best start in weeks.
That's when I saw the big sign.
Aha! A clue early on in our tale.
What... big... sign?
In a sports shop.
"Everything must go."
Well, I know you, Don. A man
who can't resist an imperative.
Exactly! Which is why I couldn't
resist the next big sign.
"Donald, this way."
and
that's where I picked up this.
Donald. It's an acronym. DONALD,
the Developing Overseas National
Alliance of Latin Democracies!
It's a trade conference, man!
So that's why they were a bit cross
when I burst in and shouted,
"Hello, everyone!
It's Donald. We can start now."
Didn't get an enthusiastic
response, then?
Well, eventually I did.
As soon as order was restored,
I started chatting about our
business and how well it was going
with a charming
fellow from Ecuador.
Don, question.
Chatting about our what?
Er,
now, correct me if I'm incorrect,
that
we actually do have a business.
Don't we?
Strange!
Why?
Cos I told him all about it.
I see. So, exactly what sort of
business are we in?
Well, you know, a sort of
businessy sort of business -
you know, sort of suits,
office equipmenty, secretary,
stationery, commutery,
filey-typey businessy.
He must've been
very impressed with you.
Oh, impressed?!
We virtually signed a deal.
We talked contracts,
money, partnerships...
I mean, if he likes our setup,
MacDiarmid and MacDiarmid
are about to become
the exclusive European consultants
to the Ecuadorian government.
"If he likes our setup"?
Well, call me a sceptic, Don,
but I think once your contacts
survey the full splendour
of our thriving industry,
I think he may consider his time
to have been spectacularly wasted.
Well, maybe he... he likes
the idea of the smaller...
Nonexistent.
..nonexistent operation.
Who is this idiot, anyway?
Well, that's him there.
Diaz Fernandez.
BURST OF DRAMATIC INCIDENTAL MUSIC
Di-Diaz Fernan-...
The author of Structural Pluralism
And The Planned Economy
In The Kate O'Connor Basin?!
You met...
I've got all... I've read...
I've read everything
Diaz Fernandez has ever written!
Diaz Fernandez is my hero!
And what's more, he looks
exactly like the guy I met!
He IS
the guy you met! Oh, aye?
And he's coming here?
I'll get to meet him.
We'll become firm friends.
GEORGE GASPS
He'll take me to sunny Ecuador!
I'll wave goodbye to
the drudgery and drizzle
of this desperate,
depressed, downtrodden,
deadly-dull Dreat Dritain!
South America, here I come!
HE PLAYS LIVELY
PERUVIAN-STYLE TUNE
And that means at last
the answer to MY prayers!
I'll get a chance to sleep
in the top bunk!
Yes, yes, yes. When's he coming?
Tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow morning...!
GEORGE SOBS
Tomorrow morning!
But we don't HAVE a business.
But I'll get to meet him anyway.
But he'll think I'm a fool.
I've got it! I could alternate
between the top bunk
and the bottom bunk!
Donald, we've got two problems.
What are we going to do,
and where are YOU going to do it?
I've got it again.
I'll do something,
and you do something else.
My God, that's brilliant!
You
go and borrow money from the DTI.
I'll fill in
the company-registration form.
go and borrow money from the DTI,
and YOU fill in
the company-registration form?
No. I insist that you borrow money
from the DTI.
I fill in
the company-registration form.
Compromise!
I'll go and borrow the money...
on the understanding
that you fill in the form.
All
right. Oh, and, Donald?
It's a business
meeting. You should, you know...
Dump the shoulder pads?
Naked?
No, no, no. Just...
Just the sports gear.
If you say so.
Oh, and, Don?
Yes?
Straight there. No imperatives.
We
come to section 47, company name.
Oh, no, we're sorted here. We've
decided what to call the company.
We think it's got a ring to it.
See what you think. ICI.
Oh! Oh, I see. Yes, right.
What about backwards?
Oh, I see your point. Yes.
Oh, it has to be a name
that isn't already in use?
Oh, well. Boots?
Oh, I see! Sorry!
Oh, not already in use
by somebody ELSE? I see.
Well, that changes everything.
Why didn't you say so before,
you daft bint?
Er... Marks & Spencer's?
Well, what do YOU suggest?
Oh, you may think Billy's a good name
for a company, madam, but I do not.
And, what's more, I would consider
that you were being facetious,
if I knew what it meant.
Just leave the name to me! Goodbye!
WHOOSHING SOUND
HE WHISTLES
THUMP!
Right!
Let's get this posted!
Mail's arrived.
Oh, excellent.
I'm just after posting this!
They do this every time!
Oh! What is the point of having
a letter bo-...
You're looking very pleased
with yourself, Donald.
Well, I managed to go straight to
the DTI office,
ignoring 14 imperatives.
Well!
It's a world record for you, eh?
Yes.
So! Did you get the money?
Well,
it all started off with a quiz.
Excellent. You can tell me later.
Did you get the money?
First off, they asked me
to spell MacDiarmid.
Now, you know me. I can spell words,
but I can't spell proper names.
I've seen you spell George!
I don't consider George
a proper name.
What did you give them
for MacDiarmid?
small
A, little C, big D, normal I,
A-R-M-I-D.
Correct.
D, double D,
D, D, triple D,
D, D.
Did... you get -
Then they tried to trick me.
They asked me for my phone number.
GEORGE SIGHS
But, now, you know -
Yes, you have a method for
remembering your phone number!
Did you get the money?!
And my method is this.
First off, it's 637.
So I remember it's a six,
followed by a three,
followed by a seven. 637.
Then it's 5561.
I've a little
sum here to help me.
Five plus five isn't six.
Nor is it one.
5561.
DID YOU GET THE MONEY?!
Yes! Did I not mention that?
Yeah, on the assurance
that he never had to see me again
for...
the rest of his life,
I think he said.
Yeah. He gave me a thousand
pounds. Donald, you've done it!
We're in business! I knew
there was a spring in your step.
Well, it's not every day you get
a thousand pounds from the DTI...
unless, of course,
it's every day from now on.
Hello, Mr Fernandez, eh?
Goodbye and good riddance
to grimy, grisly Great Gritain!
Go, geautiful Gouth Gamerica!
HE PLAYS HAPPY MELODY
This calls for a celebration!
What do you fancy?
Oh, a gin or a whisky.
Er, bit short on spirits.
Mm, beer or lager.
Bit short on alcohol.
Tea or coffee.
Oh, soft
drink, then. Coca Cola, 7 Up.
Any
vinegar in the pickled gherkins?
Just the gherkins, I'm afraid.
Well, whatever you've got.
Paracetamol?
Lovely!
Ah, so! A thousand lovely new
pounds! Yes. Cheers.
Cheers! Mmm!
So, let's see it. Come on.
Display our capital.
Show us the crinklies.
Slap the wad on the table!
What's that?
Er, £1.73.
Leaving £998.27 missing!
Oh, not missing. No, invested,
in... in office essentials.
Ah-ha-ha!
Close your eyes, George.
I want this to be a surprise.
OK, OK.
Ta-daaaaah!
Yes. I... I would consider, beyond
any shadow of a question of a doubt,
that this is a surprise.
These are office essentials?!
Well, I thought,
if we're gonna run an office, it's
essential that we're not hungry.
We can NEVER be this hungry.
Yeah. I was worried, as well.
You know me. When I get worried,
I have to eat lots.
What were you worried about?!
My God!
You're so worried about the business,
you spend all the company assets
on cornflakes?!
That was wrong, wasn't it?
There... There's wrong.
There's wronger than that.
There's the wrongest thing
that's ever been,
and then, over here,
here in this room, there's this!
That money was for the office!
But thanks anyway, Don. Well done.
FOOTSTEPS CRUNCH
Thanks for your help.
That's really great.
AUDIENCE GROANING SYMPATHETICALLY
I'll never see Ecuador now.
Still, it was a nice dream.
If you want me,
I'm in the bedroom.
FOOTSTEPS CRUNCH
HE PLAYS MOURNFUL TUNE
SOLEMNLY: Yes?
Got something to show you.
Not interested.
George, you're the best.
Don't care.
At everything.
Coming out!
There we go! One office!
Don! You've
done it! The dream lives!
HE PLAYS JOYFUL TUNE
Er, Don, what are you after?
There's a rogue box
of shredded wheat there.
I thought I'd catch up
Oh, no.
You can't expect
to impress Mr Fernandez
without an executive toy.
GEORGE LAUGHS GLEEFULLY
Surely I can have -
Hey-hey-hey!
You're being punished.
As you know,
until this deal is struck,
all food in this house
has been requisitioned
for use in the office.
So give me my pen.
Come on. Come on. Right.
Sit down. Right!
There we are!
Freddy Bob's is open for business.
Freddy Bob's?
Yes.
You've called our company
Freddy Bob's?
Yes.
It's an excellent name.
I know!
We were lucky. We nearly got saddled
Och, dear!
Now, Don, I've taken the liberty
of drawing up a little sign
advertising our business.
Er, bit of a problem.
I think the writing's a bit
small. Oh, no. Got it.
My fault. I'm too big.
Yes.
Well, I did have to list
ALL our services.
And where's the sign gonna go?
Out the window!
Come on, George. No-one's gonna be
able to read that from the street.
Course they will! The minute
Joe Public sees this sign,
the phones won't stop ringing.
HE SIGHS IN SATISFACTION
PHONE RINGS
Told you!
That'll be our first client.
Don't you answer that.
Get that, would you, miss?
PHONE CONTINUES TO RING
I knew there was something!
No secretary! I'll do this.
Hello. This is Freddy Bob's.
Unfortunately we cannot be contacted
at the moment,
as our secretary does not exist.
Please do not hesitate to contact us
the moment she comes into being.
Thank you!
PHONE RINGS
Look, I've told you...
Yes, this is Freddy Bob's.
No, we don't have a secretary.
Yes, we'd like one.
Yes, send her round.
Yes, I am 6'3".
Yes, they ARE
ridiculous spectacles.
Is it?!
Well, thank you!
I've been looking for that.
They're sending one round.
Oh, now, Don, this secretary,
this female secretary... Now,
she's probably going to be a woman.
Try not to get involved.
As if!
KNOCK AT DOOR
That'll be her!
Freddy Bob's?
Indeed!
Take a seat, Miss, er... Miss...
What makes you assume I'm a miss?
Oh, sorry. Mr...
Mrs.
Mr Missus! Excellent name.
Now, Mr Missus, obviously
there'll be certain standards
that you'll be required to meet.
Naturally!
So, if you wouldn't mind showing
us your secretarial skills.
Certainly. Hello? Freddy Bob's.
I'm putting you straight through.
KEYBOARD CLATTERS /
CARRIAGE BELL RINGS
That's the yearly cost report
finished, Mr MacDiarmid.
And your next appointment's at 3:30
with a Ms Henderson.
GEORGE CHUCKLES
Well, I don't know what
two-bob organisation trained you,
but we're in the market
for a SECRETARY, you know?
This kind of thing.
Really? Did he? Did he?
Nooooo!
Well, that's Greek men for you.
I told you you should've stuck with
that nice Spanish boy, Raimondo.
That's the sort of thing I meant.
Much more of this, you know,
the going
backwards... sort of thing.
And then, if you could make your
typing just a wee bit more flappy,
that's, you know, the kind of
thing we're looking for...
Although, obviously, admittedly,
we are willing to give
your method a try.
Oh,
I think we should discuss money first.
Oh, yes. Well, yes. We'd like to
pay an annual salary of £14,000.
Er, unfortunately we've only got
£1.73 in the coffers, but, er,
as I say, we would LIKE to pay you
an annual salary of £14,000.
Now, take a letter, please,
Mr Missus.
Dear... Who are we writing to?
Anyone.
Dear Anyone,
it has come to our attention
that we don't know who you are.
BEEPING
Right! That's £1.73's worth.
Goodbye.
Cheerio!
DON SOBS
How am I gonna cope?
I miss her so much!
I'll never see her again!
Come on, Don.
Time's a great healer.
Yeah, you're right.
HE SIGHS
No secretary.
No money, no clients!
That's it, Don. The dream is over.
I'll never see the sweeping,
sun-soaked, sandy seaches
of Sweston-super-Smare.
Don!
Why don't you take our business
to the people?
I mean, if they're not gonna come
up here for advice,
why don't you advise them
from out there?
Excellent!
Hi! You!
Yeah! You're bald, man.
Face up to it!
Don't sweep it over like that!
You're not fooling anyone!
That'll be £5 plus this!
That!
OK, that. £5 plus that!
Hoi, you! No, not you.
The ugly one. Yes, you!
Go to the dentist,
ya buck-toothed platypus.
I don't know. Toddlers today! Can't
take a piece of friendly ad-...
Hi!
Chet-chet-chet-chet-chet-chet-chet!
What's that in your mouth?
Mm?
Ah, well, let's
just see, shall we?
And
our office is made of cornflakes.
That's rather suspicious,
don't you think?
Anything else in there?
DON GRUNTS
Come on. Spit it out.
DON COUGHS
Look. Look. Bananas.
He was going to eat the office.
You were going to eat the office,
weren't you?
Told you! No eating!
Freddy Bob's? Oh, hello.
It's a, er... little
advice and consultancy bureau.
Please, er, take a seat.
Um...
Sorry! A bare head's a happy head.
That's just a...
GEORGE CHUCKLES
..just a little motto of ours
here at, er, Freduardo Babardo's,
to give it its, er,
international nomenclature.
Now, how may we best, um,
be of assistance to you?
I'm interested in buying a flat. I
need to know how much I can afford.
Oh, I don't think so.
No, no. I mean, I'm in a position
where I need to buy a house,
cos I'm getting married.
DON CHUCKLES
If you don't mind me saying,
I really think you should've thought
of that BEFORE you, er...
What?
Come on! We're all adults here!
Before you did the dirty!
What do you mean?
Oh, come on!
Before you got this tart of yours
up the stick!
She's not up the stick!
Oh! So, you admit she's a tart!
I didn't say that.
You're trying to trick me.
I put it to you that your testimony
today has been naught but a farrago,
a thin farrago at that, a tissue,
a thinly obscured veil of deceit!
I ask the jury to return
a verdict of guilty!
CHAIR CRUNCHES
Big Perry Mason fan.
Now, back to the mortgage.
I've got some advice for you.
Oh, thank God for that.
Dump her. She's not worth it.
Get the ring back, melt it down,
take the cash, jump the country.
No, no, no. Better still,
get some plastic surgery!
She'll never recognise you!
Besides which,
you'll be doing yourself a favour.
Look at your nose, man!
No, no, no!
Get HER some plastic surgery!
Put her near a toaster.
Her face'll melt off!
You can't marry a woman
without a face!
Surprise her in the shower!
Don't leave her spectacles
in the fairground, though.
Put your left leg in a cast.
Pretend you've broken it.
Dress up as a nun!
Win the singing competition and flee
to Switzerland in the dead of night!
Dump the babe in the freezer!
DON RINGS BELL
Yeah! You're right!
Oh, you've saved me from
a huge mistake!
Now I'm a... a free spirit,
free to travel!
Free to love again...
and, perhaps most importantly,
free to recommend
this wonderful advice agency
to every man, woman and child
in the country!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Ah, George, what a day, eh?
Just one thing after another.
That's right. We started off
Yes.
There was that other thing.
Yes, and then the thing after that.
Ah, hectic! Madness!
Yeah. You know what'll happen now!
Mm.
PHONE RINGS
That'll be it!
Aye.
Hello? OK. Bye-bye.
Well! That was Mr Fernandez.
He gave me
an endless, rambling story
about some meeting or other
being cancelled.
I didn't catch all of it. Anyway,
the point is that he's coming here
to visit us tonight,
in about two and a half minutes.
Two and a half minutes?!
I better practise my Spanish!
I didn't know you could speak
Oh, I'm practically fluent.
Huevos, fritas, dos cervezas.
Eggs, chips, two beers.
OK. You be Mr Fernandez,
and I'll practise chatting to you.
Right.
Buenos dias, Senor MacDiarmid!
Como esta usted?
Huevos!
Impressive, George!
HE SPEAKS FLUENT SPANISH
Fritas.
My, my, my!
HE SPEAKS FLUENT SPANISH
Oh! Dos cervezas.
Perfect.
Right! Remember, I do the talking.
ROUSING LATIN-AMERICAN
INCIDENTAL MUSIC
That sounds like him!
I'd better go and get changed!
Well, hurry up! He's coming!
OK!
Oh, and, Don,
stay calm! Don't worry!
OK.
ROUSING LATIN-AMERICAN
INCIDENTAL MUSIC
HAUNTING PHRASE FROM
"THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY"
Gambas!
Impressive, or...
I stayed calm.
I didn't worry.
Unfortunately... I panicked.
Don, my... my one big chance!
You've ruined it!
You've eaten my future!
If it's any consolation,
your future was delicious.
Buenos dias, se-...
What an embarrassment for us both!
I can't see our dreams
coming true now.
Ah, Dios mio!
Hundred free-gift coupons
for children climbing frames.
Just what Ecuador needs!
We are in business, senores!
ROUSING LATIN-AMERICAN
INCIDENTAL MUSIC
SWING-STYLE BIG-BAND THEME MUSIC