Mozart in the Jungle (2014–2018): Season 3, Episode 10 - You're the Best or You F'ing Suck - full transcript

You know, they say that
classical music is for squares.

But us, classical musicians,

we know how to party!

And when we party,

we party with Delgado's
Super Super Super salsa!

In fact, my whole
family loves it!

Oh, Rodrigo, you always
keep the beat.

It's the salsa, mi amor.

Kids!

What have you got there?

It's a Super Super
Super Hard Taco!



- It's authentico.
- And delicious.

Mmm.

Super super super super

super super tacos!

Oh, man.

What did I do?

Rodrigo, we are so proud of you.

What did I do?

Yes we are, Maestro.

I didn't know your hips
could move like that.

What changed your mind?

Well...

I was thinking of Venice.

And how La Fiamma, you know?



She could give up
anything to do a concert.

So I thought I could give
a little bit of self-respect.

Whatever's left, this...

This Chimichanga.

Oh, Maestro.

Yeah, I know.

I'm sorry that I threw
all those things at you.

Don't worry, Gloria.

It's fine, that was
the fun part.

And you'll be happy to know

that the first check
was deposited today.

- Yes.
- The first check?

Yes, into the newly opened
Maestro Juan Rivera

youth orchestra account
number 58732011658.

Virgilio! I love you!

Oh, I love you too.
Don't tell Christophe.

How many commercials
do we have left to do?

Only nine.

- Let me do eight.
- Uh...

- Um...
- Just do eight.

Rodrigo, you'll survive it.
You'll survive it.

We'll survive it.
We'll survive it together.

Oh, Craig, get that thing.

Oh, right.

We have a little,
little gift for you.

A little gift.

Okay, but its...

So this is from us....

- Thank you so much, guys.
- To you.

Hey, that's very nice.

Okay.

Ah, it's fucking red tape!

Yay!

It's the fucking red tape!

- Yes.
- Thank you.

I've got my own now.

You so suck, Rutledge!

You're never gonna
get the chair.

Oboists from all over
the world are coming
to compete with you.

Your reed-making,
it sucks!

And you go cross-eyed
when you play.

Your neck puffs out like a
dinosaur from Jurassic Park.

The one that spits acid
all over the place.

Hailey, you know what?
I gotta take a break.

I gotta stop, this
is too fucking weird.

But really good job not
breaking your concentration.

I really...
that's impressive.

Hey, before I go,
this is your money.

It's your share from the
gate from the other night.

Oh, awesome.

It's $11.13.

I mean, I'm sorry it's not more.

I will frame it.

I really hope I get this job.

It's weird that they're
even making you audition.

I mean, you know them.

No, that's exactly
why it's not weird.

Everybody has to audition
behind a screen

so that there's no favoritism.

Seems like bullshit.

If I were you I would
just go in there and go,

It's Hailey.

You know, if you ever need
to you can move back in
with me rent free.

What about B?

We're taking a break.
He's got issues.

I've got issues.

It's cool, you know.
Fuck it.

- Fuck it.
- Sorry, Lizzie.

No, really, enough with
this rank self-pity shit.

I mean, I was about to get
a tattoo of his ass on my ass.

So really, I dodged
a bullet there.

You gotta shed
your skin, you know?

Yeah.

I notice that you're
not dressing like
Kápralová anymore.

Nope.

Yeah, I kept on being
mistaken for a waitress.

But I'm a club owner,
I'm like Rick from Casablanca.

I'm like...
I'm like Jabba the Hutt.

Hey.

Hey.

You're Hailey Rutledge, right?

Yeah.

- Have we met?
- No.

But I saw you play with
the orchestra, you were great.

Thanks.

Arlen Lee.

I've been subbing over
at the Chicago Philharmonic.

Probably stupid for me
to fly out here for this, but

I figured it's
a good experience, so...

Why is it stupid?

Well, because
you fucking destroy.

Are you trying to psych me out?

No, I'm more like

psyching myself out.

Is that a Loree Royal?

Yeah. Meet Oboe Wan Kenobi.

Yeah, it's early for that shit.

Sorry.

Oboe.

That wasn't her.

I don't think so.

Number 17?

That's me.

- Break a leg.
- Thanks, you too.

Hey, hey.

Hey!

Hi.

You came.

Well, it's been a long
time since I had

a late night text
from Constanze.

Um, could I have a
sparkling water with lemon?

Still not drinking?

No.

You? You off the pills?

They don't seem to
work so well anymore.

Nothing really works.

So I'm going to
get an operation.

Good.

That is great news.

You know, they can do
marvels nowadays.

Let's hope.

Yeah.

So, um, you and Gloria.

Is it serious?

Well, let's hope
it's not terminal.

You have a unique
way of bridging

the player-management divide.

Here you go, sir.

I have a question.

How good could I have been?

If I'd gone a different route?

If I'd tried to be a soloist,

instead of an orchestra member.

Well, tried wouldn't
have come into it.

You could have had
a wonderful career.

How good?

How good could I have been?

Well, not Yo-Yo Ma good.

But...

I'd say Andrew Walsh good.

Yes. Definitely.

You could have been
the female Andrew Walsh

If you'd kept your head down
and just gone for it.

Honestly, I don't know
why you didn't.

I mean, I could never
understand.

You know the moment
I first heard you,

what was it, 20 years
ago in Birmingham,

I thought: fuck me,
this girl is good.

With your looks,
you could have had
a recording contract

any day of the week.

I just, I liked being
part of an orchestra.

Yeah.

I have regrets.

But I don't regret it,
not really.

Mm-hmm.

You and I?

How good could we have been?

You and I?

I mean, honestly, we were...

a wee bit of a
disaster, weren't we?

Our timing was
remarkably shitty.

- But...
- Yeah.

There was one area
where we were...

we were always in sync.

Yes.

Yeah.

Do you think about us sometimes?

When is your surgery?

In two days.

I hope it goes beautifully.

Ah, you still awake?

Yep. You're back.

I was a little concerned
that you disappeared.

No, I just had
a drink with Cynthia.

You know she's having surgery
in the next few days?

So I think she just
wanted bucking up.

Oh, you were with Cynthia
so I needn't have worried?

Oh, no, that symphony is over.

I'm onto a new one now.

All right.

Plus, you're fucking
incredible in the sack.

Absolutely stellar.

Well, I'm delighted. I didn't
know I was being rated.

But thank you very much.
I try.

You're good, too.

That means a lot,
coming from you.

I'm sorry I was such a bastard
when I met your parents.

It just reminded me
of where I grew up.

We used to take the piss
out of each other constantly.

We were monstrous to each other.

I think that's the way
we showed affection.

Well, that, I understand.

Look, Thomas.

I've been married four times.

I don't want to get
married again, but

I also...

I... I don't want
to get my heart broken.

I can work within
those parameters.

And as for breaking your heart,

if I let you down,

I'm letting myself down.

Thomas...

I'd like to do something
for you now.

Do you want to go upstairs?

Or stay right here.

I could do it right here.

Do you want me to
just stand here?

If you want.

But... but close your eyes.

Okay.

Hmm. Hmm.

♫ After you who ♫

♫ Could supply
my sky of blue ♫

♫ After you who ♫

♫ Could I love ♫

♫ After you... ♫

Why...

♫ Should I take
the time to try ♫

♫ For who else
could qualify ♫

♫ After you who'll ♫

♫ Hold my hand ♫

♫ And swear you'll ♫

♫ Never cease to care ♫

♫ For without you there ♫

♫ What would I do ♫

♫ I could search years ♫

♫ For someone
to change my tears ♫

♫ Into laughter ♫

♫ After ♫

♫ You ♫

Oh, bloody fucking hell.

Let's go to bed.

Hmm.

Thanks so much
for picking me up.

Thank you for asking.

Here's our Uber, I think.

Cynthia?

Bob?

I'm here to pick up a Kevin?

That would be me.

You guys know each other?

Yeah, Bob's a member
of my orchestra.

And, apparently
still driving for Uber.

I find it relaxes me.

Uh, so, Cynthia...

Did you?

I did.

All right.

So, how'd it go?

I'll know more
in a couple of weeks.

All right.

It's going to be okay.

- It has to be.
- Yes, it does.

Oh, step into my chariot.

I'll take it
from here, sir.
Thank you.

- Here you go.
- Thank you, sir.

I'm sorry, excuse me,
but do I know you
from somewhere?

Um...

Yeah, I used to play basketball.

Oh, cool.

Me, too.

Hai Lai.

Hey.

- Hi.
- Hey.

I hope you don't mind me
just showing up like this.

I'm used to it.

So we finished our last
day of auditions today.

Okay.

Anyone good?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Really good.

But no-one was as good today
as you were yesterday.

Okay, and how about yesterday?

- How did I do?
- Really good.

Yeah, you know.
You know you did good.

You know, you were really good.

I was so proud of you.

You played with blood.
It was incredible.

Thanks.

But?

Well, there's was this guy,
you know, who plays really well.

A little better.

He, like, played
with more blood?

Just, like, blood everywhere?

Bleeds all over the place?

No, no, it's just
the committee, you know?

Yeah, since when do you
listen to a fucking committee?

Right, I know.

You thought that
he played better.

No, no, no, no.
I was outvoted.

You should have seen it.

I was... I always
know it's you.

You played from
behind the screen,

I could notice it was you
like a bat in a dark cave.

- And I always love it
when you play.
- Who was it?

- Because it's always
the best for me.
- Who was it?

Who was what?

Who got it?

The, oh, it's this guy from...

I think he's subbing
in in Chicago.

Oh. Arlen.
Yep. Arlen's his name.

Yeah. What a name, right?

For an oboist, I mean,
that's a crazy name.

Okay, well, um,
I guess that's that then.

Fuck it. Thank you
for telling me in person.

Hai Lai, you can always sub in.

Why don't you try subbing in?

Mother...

Ai.

Man...

- Hey.
- What?

Hey, I'm sorry!

- I'm sorry!
- No, sorry, me.

I'm sorry, Hai Lai.

I'm very sorry.
Wait, where are you?

Here, I'm here.

Ah, yeah, I'm the one
that's sorry, Hai Lai.

This is such bullshit.

You know this whole
process of the auditions
and stuff for you?

I mean, if there's anyone
who deserves the job,
it's you.

- If you actually want it...
- If I want it?

I have fucking college
loans to pay off.

I need health insurance.

My reputation is completely,
completely fucked

since Walsh fired me.

No, no, you quit.

- No, I didn't quit!
- You quit.

No, I can't quit, because
I'm not some magical

musical superstar shaman!

I'm like a fucking...
I'm an oboist, okay?

I'm a fucking oboist.

So how did it go?
Your whole conducting debut?

It went well.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I'm sorry I didn't invite you.

That's okay, I'm not offended.

Yes, you are.

A little bit, yeah, maybe.

Yes.

Ah, let's solve this.
Come on, let's go...

Do you want to go for a walk?

Um...

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Come.

You should lock up your bike.

I understand, I mean,
you wanted to...

You wanted to
make it your own thing.

You know, you wanted it
to be your thing.

Hey, Thomas didn't
invite you either.

Yeah, why is that?

Because you're a strong toke.

- A toke?
- Yeah.

- Toke?
- Yeah, like a toke.

I'm, I'm not a...

I'm the mellow of toke.

No, you're like
the strongest toke.

I'm such an
easy-going toke.

I hate to break it to you.
You're the strongest toke.

Play with the blood.

Play with the blood.

- I don't say it like that.
- Where did you get that from?

- The blood?
- Yeah.

What does that mean?

It's, it's very specific.
You know...

Is that a Maestro Rivera thing?

No, it's my thing.
It's my thing.

I used to practice so much
in the violin, you know,

so much, so much that
I got blisters on my fingers,

and then, you know?

- Oh.
- The blood will come out.

And play with the blood.
But now it's a metaphor, okay?

- Whenever I tell you
to play with the blood...
- Thank you for clarifying.

- Never try to open...
- Aw fuck!

What, what?

I fucking blew it,
I fucking blew the audition.

No, you were great, Hailey.

Yeah, but he was
fucking better than me.

I fucking suck.

- You fucking suck?
- You're the best or
you fucking suck.

Whoa, Hailey, no, wait, no.

Don't say those things, okay?

I mean, look, I'm not
even good sometimes, you know?

When I'm performing
a German, you know,

like Beethoven or Haydn,

you know, I just feel
the presence of Von Karajan

going like...
you know?

Or when I'm doing
Copland or Messiaen?

You know, I always feel
the presence of Lenny.

Like, just, smelling really bad.

And he used to smile a lot,
but he doesn't smile.

You know? When
I'm doing that.

Or Bach. Why don't
I program Bach?

Tell me.

Go ahead. Why?

I don't know.

Because he hates
that I play him.

He told me that, yeah.

He told me that I
misinterpret everything
that he wrote.

- He told you that.
- He told me that!

He has no feelings
but apparently he says
that to everyone, but...

When did these great composers
start appearing to you?

When I was little...

I've never said this
before but, uh,

Beethoven first
came up as an elephant.

A little elephant.

Hai Lai, I want to
offer you a job.

You need an assistant?

No. No, no, I don't
need an assistant.

It's not an
assistant I need, no.

- No, no, no.
- You need an assistant.

I think you actually
need an assistant

more than anybody in
the world needs an assistant.

I'm so super organized
right now.

- Really?
- You have no idea, yes.

I don't need
an assistant anymore.

- Ask me the date.
- What's the date?

- Wednesday.
- That's not a date.

It's what, uh...
it's what you need to...

Anyway, Hailey, no,
listen, listen.

You have to help me
with the Youth Orchestra.

You know, to organize
the kid's lessons, you know,

to get the kids.
You have the kids touch.

- And it's very important
for me to get someone...
- Rodrigo, no.

- ...I can trust.
- I'm honored, thank you.

But no.

No. What?
Why no?

Because I need to
get out of your orbit.

- Professionally.
- Orbit.

Don't, okay, this is
not like a gravitational
astronomical thing.

All right?
I'm talking about the kids.

Hai Lai, you need a job.
You need a job. Come on.

I'm offering you...

No, thank you.

Hai Lai...

Okay, we're being
very good at this, you know?

I don't need to be romantically
holding it, holding it.

I never hold it, so...

- I think it's a good idea.
- Yeah.

Just stop, stop thinking.

Okay, yeah.

Part of you thinks
it's a good idea?

What did you say?

Let's just get it over with.

Where, here?

Honey, I would say
your place, but

you don't have a place.

Because you're so disorganized.

Hi, is she up yet?

She's not answering her phone.

I haven't seen her this morning.

We have a 9 AM appointment
to get a pedicure.

I'll do it for you for half of
whatever they're charging.

Oh, Hai Lai.

- Hi.
- Holy shit.

Lizzie. And Shawn, no,
the viola player, right?

Yeah, hello, Maestro.

I'm in the mood for a bathroom.

Did you and Hailey
sleep together last night?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we did.

We did, Lizzie, yeah.

But you know, we spent
more time awake.

We did more things
when we were awake.
It's more fun.

Oh, I just want to, um, tell you

what a huge fan I am.

Thanks, Shawn.

Yeah.

Ah!

Hi.

Oh my God.

Okay, that's great, okay?

Did you get it
out of your system?

Is it out of your system?

What, are you guys
like dating now?

I mean, what the fuck
is going on here?

Okay, I just woke up.

I don't know, we're
just playing it by ear.

Well, was it good?

Like, 1 to 10, was it good?

It's like a...
like a 9.86.

Fuck.

That's good.

We'll call that a 10.

You have really good ears.

Lizzie, it's me.

I've been told that
since I've been a little kid.

You know, that's why I do
what I do, you know?

And talking about that,
I have to go to the
auditions right now.

- Okay?
- I know.

So, that's it, I'm gone.

Ciao.

Holy shit.

Ciao.

- Ciao, Lizzie.
- Ciao.

- Ciao, ciao.
- Bye.

Hey, Warren Boyd.

Welcome.

Welcome to our
Youth Orchestra,
welcome!

It's an honor to have you.

So, uh, basically there's
a place for everybody.

Yes.

Next.

- I started playing
harpsichord at seven.
- Ah!

Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

I didn't realize
that anyone was there.

The story of my life.

You know, at first I was
the star, not my brother.

Oh, okay.

He used to stare
at me when I played.

He idolized me.
His big sister.

I was the prodigy.

And then my father turned
his attentions to Wolfgang.

Ah, Wolfgang.

And when I reached
a marriageable age,

that was it.

My brilliant career
was... poof.

You have a really nice costume.
I hope you have a nice day.

Don't be insipid, Hailey.

Have we met before?

I'm Maria Anna.

But my friends call me Nannerl.

Nannerl, like...
like Mozart's sister?

How many Nannerls
are there out there?

Listen, Fraulein Rutledge,

it's time to get
your schiesse together.

Don't make the same
mistake I did.

What was that?

I gave up.

Heh.

.srt Extracted, Resynced by
Dan4Jem, XII.MMXVI