Mozart in the Jungle (2014–2018): Season 2, Episode 2 - Nothing Resonates Like Rhinoceros Foreskin - full transcript

Synchronized by Roberta

- I can't see anything. What time is it?

- Shh.
- What is this?

- It's my face, get off of it.

- Shut up, they're coming. Get down.

- You know, I realized

I've never even been in
your apartment before.

Oh, no, I tipped the guy
in the wrong currency.

Surprise!

- Welcome home.

- To your apartment.



- I'm gonna warn you, I smell insane.

- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, my God, you do smell horrible.

- Wow, this is a great apartment.

- Thanks, yeah, they all live here.

- Good to see you.
- I'm Bradford.

- I'm Bradford, I'm Bradford.

- This is Shariza.

- Shariza, how are ya?

- Ugh, I've been dreaming

of that shower for six weeks.

Mmm.

- Whoa.

- Oh, yeah, we brought back,
like, a ton of instruments.



- Since when do you wear perfume?

- Since Kuala Lumpur.

And Bradford likes it.

- Hmm.

- Actually got you one.

- Maybe Alex will like it.

- Don't you mean Rodrigo?

Hailey, listen,

I almost fell in an active volcano twice.

I ate jellyfish

every day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

And if I learned anything,

I learned that there's no time for bullshit.

So you gonna tell me

what's going on in there or
am I gonna have to do it?

- Maybe you should do it.

- Okay, fine.

One, you need to get Rodrigo a new assistant.

- I've been trying, but he rejects everyone.

- He does or you do?

Two, you need to figure out

what it is that you're doing with Alex.

- Oh, he's such a good guy, though.

- My dad's a good guy.

Actually, my dad's a dick. Three--

- What does jellyfish taste like?

- It's chewy.

Three...

I don't remember what three is.

- I'm so happy you're home.

- Now this one is my baby.

- Oh, wow, that's pretty neat.

- Tap it as softly as you can.

- Okay.

- Nothing resonates like rhinoceros foreskin.

- Ew, are you for real?

- Nah, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

But it is some kind of

a skin from a carcass.

You'll never believe

how I got it through customs.

So I don't know if you heard,

but Elizabeth invited me
to move in with you guys.

- Oh, cool, man.
- Mm-hmm.

- Hailey let me keep my toothbrush here.

So you should consider yourself pretty lucky.

- What kind of a toothbrush do you use?

- What? Just like a standard one.

- Get an electric one, okay?

I promise, it's a whole new level.

Also, get a Waterpik too,

if you really wanna blow your mouth's mind.

Oh, excuse me,

try to always cup it from the bottom.

Like--'cause it can't support it

with just the three horns.

**

- Guess what I've been trying to say is,

you can choose what you wanna see.

It's up to you.

Like, right now, what do you see?

- I see Mike

making our guests really uncomfortable.

- I see an energetic young man

who is full of potential

who lives and breathes music every day.

- Maestro.
- Yeah, but I'll take it.

- Last night's performance

was not bad.

But it was alsonot not bad.

Understand what I'm saying?

Like this, we're going sideways.

You cannot fly to the moon like this.

No, no, okay?

No more distractions.

Not here.

I expect you all to leave your life

in the dressing rooms
together with your jeans

and come here

and do it as if it was
your final performance.

And next time

that I walk into this building,

and I see a lawyer

lingering around on the stage, okay?

The rehearsal is can celled.

Just like that.

And the next time that I walk in

and I step onto the podium

and I have to wait for you guys

to finish up or wrapping
your chittie-chatties, okay?

Rehearsal is can celled!

And the next time

that the phone rings

during a performance,

Puta madre.

I want you to answer the phone and say,

"Hello, yes, hi.

"Yes, it's me, yes. You know what?

"I'm in the middle of a performance,

"and I'm packing up my things,

"because you know what?
I'm leaving the orchestra.

"Because I'm not a member
of this orchestra anymore

"because I'm not welcome anymore,

because the rehearsal is can celled!"

And the softball, that's it.

It's done. No more softball.

- What?
- The season is over.

- Yes, it's over.
- He can't do that.

- Let's begin.

- Maestro, I need your help with something.

- Hey.
- It's important.

- And what is that, Gloria?

- I just got off the phone
with the esteemed donor

who so graciously lent us your apartment.

- Uh-huh.
- And whose daughter,

Sarabelle, you just fired.

He's threatening to evict you.

- Why?

- You tell me.

- No, no, no, no.

You--Gloria, I was told
to make myself at home.

- I have seen thee and her,

and I do adore thee.

- You're on very thin ice.

And I suggest you get off of it

before it breaks and we both fall through.

This ice feels very good to me.

And now I cannot hear you.

Because I'm listening to

Igor Fyodorovich Stravinsky.

Which, by the way, I'm sure
he used to love ice skating.

Russians, you know?

Pavel!

- Ms. Windsor?

Is there a problem with the floor?

- Oh, no, no.

It's absolutely perfect, Pavel.

- Hm.
- Thank you.

- Well?

- Well, what?

- Winslow, for God's sake, man.

A penny for your fucking thoughts.

- It's a work in progress.
What do you want me to say?

- Decades, I've been working
on this bloody thing.

I mean, come on, a work in progress?

- A work in progress, that's good news.

I envy you.

It's all still yours.

No one's seen it, no one's heard it.

It's your own private symphony.

And now you can get funky with it.

- Funky my ass!

You don't understand!

- What don't I understand?

- I've made arrangements.

- What kind of arrangements?

- This is set to premiere in Belarus

in two month's time.

- Oh.

Oh, um...

Congratulations.

That's terrible news.

Um, but, uh,

but you can cancel it.

Just call in sick.

- Don't be ridiculous.

It's months from now.

"Call in sick."

- It's derivative.

- I beg your pardon?

Derivative?

You just said it had potential!

- Yes, but--but...

Sound familiar?

- It should do. I wrote the fucking thing.

- Oh, well, I hadn't
realized that Gustav Mahler

had a New York bachelor pad.

And this...

It's Debussy.

This is what happens with all conductors.

You've devoted your life to interpreting

the most beautiful music ever created.

It's only natural that what
goes in must come out.

- All right, that's enough, okay, come on.

- On your way, on your way.
- Oh, ow, aah!

- Come on, come on.
- Oh, I'm ticklish.

Ow! I bruise easy.

- Get your stuff, come on.

- - Out!

Right, come on.

Come on.

It pains me to have to
eject you from my home,

but I must.

You are a pianist of genius,

but now you're old and negative.

And your ears, they're like
two little ancient bat caves.

So do me a favor.

Put on your rubber gloves

and go fuck yourself.

- So where is he?

- Mr. Biben had every wish to
be here, but couldn't rearrange

a last-minute meeting in Moscow.

He asked me to come to represent him

and to apologize.

I'm sorry.

- This is very unusual,

but knowing Biben, hardly surprising.

- Shall I begin?

"Gloria, sorry I'm not here.

You look great, by the way."

- How would he know that?

- Sensing you would ask
that question, he says...

Because
you always look great.

- Mm.
- Now down to business.

I pride myself in being a dedicated donor

in support of the New York Symphony.

However, I and my close
colleagues on the board

will be delaying our donations

until the next financial quarter."

- That'll really fuck over
our cash flow, Sharon.

Biben, you're a shrewd man.

Any players committee audits
will show our balance low.

It'll only help our leverage
in the negotiations.

That's very clever.

- Hailey.

- Hi, you said that you wanted to see me?

- Yes, come on in.

Edward--I mean, Sharon

was just leaving.

- Am I in some sort of trouble or something?

- No, on the contrary.

- Is that me?

- Yeah, isn't it fantastic?

- We're making an attempt to connect

to a younger demographic.

To them, the symphony is just

blue hair and cough drops and mothballs.

- She gets it.

- Our focus groups are really flipping

- over this direction.
- Oh.

- Even makes me want to
twerp out an Instapic.

I don't--is that right?

- Hailey, we'd love to use this image

as part of our campaign

with your permission, of course.

- What's the matter? Cat got?

- What?
- Cat got?

- Excuse me?

- Cat got your tongue?

- Oh, uh, well, no.

It's just that I'm only a sub,

so I don't really--

- You are part of the team.

- Okay.

- Sure.
- We'll get this over to

the office and let them know
they can start printing it up.

- Cool.

- There is one more thing.

I'd love for you to come to

the Young Donors event tomorrow night.

It's a good time.

And we want some young,
fresh blood there with us.

- Thank you so much, um,

but I actually have plans tomorrow night,

so I...

So I can cancel them.

- That would be appreciated.

Hailey Rutledge, welcome to the team.

- Maestro.

- Oh, "Hai Lai."

Hey, thank you so much.

- Yes, you're welcome.

- I can hardly--awake.

This fucking divorce, you know?

- Yeah, yeah.

- I have so many errands for you.

- Um, well, I think I found
you a really good assistant.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- Mm.

Okay, well, um, that's great.

Excellent.

Let's schedule the interview

for after the Latino Americano tour.

- Yeah, I would prefer to do that now.

- Now is not a good time for me to change.

- It's a good time for me.

- Okay, when can she begin?

- He can actually begin immediately,

because he is here.

Mike.

- Maestro, it is an honor.

- What?

- I am Michael. Mike.

- Mike?
- Mike.

- Mike?

- I think it's gonna be a really great fit.

- No, my jeans are a great fit.

What makes you think

that you can replace "Hai
Lai" Rutledge?

- Well, Hailey explained
everything to me in detail,

and I'm feeling confident,

and sure of myself, and--

- I see, I see.

You know, "Hai Lai" has always

been looking out for me, you know?

She's kept my life in tune.

If it was, for example,

digging up an old score that I didn't find,

or, for example, explaining a joke

that I didn't understand very well.

Tell me, "Michele, "

are you capable of making a mate

half as good as this one?

- You're right, Maestro.

No one can replace Hailey,

but, for what it's worth,

that mate is my work.

- So, Einojuhani Rautavaara

and Jean Sibelius are born
in the same country, right?

- Finland.

- That was easy.

Okay, Toscanini,

before he became a conductor,

what instrument did he play?

- The cello.

- Did you tell him that?
- No.

- No? You sure?
- Yeah, I'm positive.

- Okay,

which composer was driven
into a monastic lifestyle

after the Pope denied his lover
permission to marry him?

Whoa!

Ay, "Hai Lai."

Ooh, how impressive.

- Thank you.

- Well, if there's nothing else,

then I'll be going.

- Yes, "Hai Lai, " I
think there is nothing else

except to say... thank you.

- Thank you.

Bye, Mike.

- Bye, "Hai Lai."

"Michele."

- I felt so bad for Christophe.

- What do you suppose
crawled up Rodrigo's ass?

- That is no way to refer to our Maestro.

- And no more softball?

What the shit is that?

- You okay?
- Yeah.

- Make sure you get all this down.

- Easy, Bob. Hailey isn't a spy.

She's here taking minutes

'cause I asked for the help.

- Just so you all know,

I no longer work for the Maestro.

- Are you ready to order?

- Oh, yeah.

Make it two large cheese,
one ultimate veggie.

- I'm allergic to bell pepper.

- I will want a few pieces of bell pepper.

- Or we'll add a small bell--
- No, I want a large.

- What is the point of agree--
- Okay, everybody,

I'm calling this meeting to order.

We heard back from management.

They rejected our terms.

They're sticking to the rollbacks.

- We asked for too much.
Oh, I'm not surprised.

- How can they keep crying "poor"

when we've sold out every show
since Rodrigo's been here?

- Well, they say subscriptions
have dropped off.

- Let's face it. Our audience is dying out.

We should just take what we can get.

- Man, and I thought

those hockey players were a bunch of wimps.

- No one here is a wimp.

- They just spat in your face,

and you're listing the reasons why.

- This is a negotiation,

and I still believe we can
work with Gloria Windsor.

- What if you can't?

What if she's not even in control?

There are seven members

of the board's contract committee.

Three of them were brought
on by Edward Biben.

Can you work with him?

He carves up companies for a living,

and you think he gives a shit
about your mortgage, Warren?

Or your health care, Dee Dee?

I'll tell you what he gives a shit about:

his image.

So I recommend we find some
dirt and fling it in the press.

- We're the New York Symphony.

We have to retain our dignity.

- You may retain your dignity,

but you're not gonna
retain your pension plan.

- No one wants a strike.

- No one wants to get run over by a truck,

but you're about to be.

- Nina, may I talk with you
for a moment in private?

- Sure.

Listen, Nina, I really appreciate you

coming in here with so much confidence,

but we don't want to alienate the players

who are a little more gun-shy.

- Absolutely.

I work for you and the players, Cynthia.

I'm just giving you the
benefit of my experience.

- Good, thank you.

- If I could just say one thing...

I don't know whether it's
the cello or the cheekbones

or what, but I think you're

one of the sexiest women I've met

in a long time, and it's making it

incredibly hard for me to concentrate.

- Okay, look, I--

- Oh, Jesus, are you blushing?

God, could you get more hot?

Just got really hungry.

- Oh, throw him under the bus.

- You heard what she said the other day?

- Everyone having a good time?

I hope you're enjoying the party.

If not, you can lie.

I...I don't open my doors very often,

but this Young Donors
evening is special for me.

Ten years from now,

the New York Symphony turns 150 years old,

which is just about as old
as most of our subscribers.

I want you to take a quick
look around the room.

You all have something in
common with one another.

Can you guess what it is--besides money?

You love music.

The music needs you, young donors

to ensure that it lives into the future.

Let's imagine together

what the future might look like.

Come.

We have a surprise.

A new symphony hall.

Modern, acoustically perfect.

A message to the classical music world

that the New York Symphony is the future.

And now, the man who will take us there,

your Maestro, Rodrigo DeSouza.

- Thank you, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, Gloria.

Thank you very much.

I like it. It's very nice, Gloria.

I think it's gonna be brilliant.

I want to say something very serious now,

and for me to be able to do so,

I have to say it not in the English language.

Enough. Thank you.

Gracias, gracias, gracias.

Thank you very much.

I hope that somebody understood it,

because--yeah, I hope.

- Do you speak Spanish?

- No, not really,

but I think I understood the sentiment.

- Yeah, same.

- Me llamo Erik Winklestrauss.

- Hailey Rutledge.
- I had to, I--

- Ah, I see you've met.

Hailey's a very talented young lady

who plays the oboe beautifully.

Erik is a very generous donor

who plays the stock market beautifully.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

- Excuse me.
- Oh, okay.

That seems so exhausting.

- Psst!
- I think this guy's

trying to get your attention.

- Oh, sorry--one sec.
- Yeah.

- I'm so sorry, I didn't
know you were gonna be here.

- No, it's okay.
- You look great.

In your food memo,

you said that seafood was okay,

but this has cilantro and avocado.

- I think the donors are
feeling very futuristic.

- Don't you?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- And--oh, the next one I want you to meet--

Mrs. Barbara Silverman. She's quite--

- Oh, no. I met everybody--I don't--

- Hey, Gloria.

This building tastes like
crap, I got to tell you.

- I'll tell the architect.

- Do that.

Oh, and one quick tip.

A beautiful thing about the future,

no one really knows how it'll turn out.

- Wow.
- I better go talk to him.

Good night, sweetie.

- Good night, Gloria. Good night.

Why don't you talk to me anymore, eh, Sharon?

Nothing. Not even "hello."

Nothing, nothing, Sharon. That's it.

- They were smashed.

- They weren't murdered.

- Like a Taco Tuesday?

- No, no, no.

Maestro!

Let me buy you a drink

at the open bar.

But not as your assistant.

As--as your friend.

And as the second chair substitute oboist.

- No, "Hai Lai, " no.

This is not Acapulco, okay?

- Okay.

- Some of us have to go to practice,

and some of us don't.

- I guess he's a busy man.

- I'm so sorry it took so long.
- What?

- But I think you're gonna be pretty happy

with what I picked out for you.

- I'm not hungry,
"Michele." I'm not hungry.

Okay, let's go--come on. Grab my scarf.

- Okay.
- Okay?

- Do you...

do you always pedal so fast?

If I lose you, text me a rendezvous point.

- What is your name?

- I'll tell you later.

- Can I say something to you

out of, like, love and devotion?

- Yeah.

- You're a woman, man.

- What?

- I mean, you're the same,

but you're, like, better.

I don't know, I want to be
like you when I grow up.

How are things with Bradford?

- He's awesome.

- Lizzie.
- Hailey.

- Lizzie.
- What?

What do you want me to say?

We read short stories to each other

while we waited for our train
to get fixed, you know?

I got sick in front of
him and he didn't care.

He's into me.

- I'm so, so sorry

for this whole mess.

- What whole mess?
- This one!

Aah!

- You did it!
- Don't, no!

Stop.

- Aah!

Okay, yeah.

Oh. Mmm.

You can take it off, just take it off.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Okay. Oh, Rodrigo!

Go, oh, go!

Synchronized by Roberta