Mozart in the Jungle (2014–2018): Season 1, Episode 4 - You Have Insulted Tchaikovsky - full transcript

Remember,

whoever is most impertinent
has the best chance.

I pay no attention whatever
to anybody's praise or blame.

I simply follow my own feelings.

That's just what I'm
trying to do, Herr Mozart.

Horse manure.

Horse manure.

Aw, tell me, how are
the boys... Ryan and...

- What are their fucking names again?
- Scott.

Ryan and Scott. They're twins.

Ryan and Scott, they're twins. Okay.



From the top.

Wife, daughter, niece, Kira... Okay.

Oh, Helena. Ravishing. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Congrats on the Picasso. Blah, blah, blah.

How are Ryan and Scott? You know

I'm on the board of Princeton,

if you should need anything.

- They're 4 years old.
- Ah, shit, right.

Okay. Now I move onto Mrs. Burlingame.

Welcome. My condolences.

Eugene was a fine, fine man.

Oh, I see you've already
met our new captain Rodrigo.

Pretend to be the maestro.

Uh, he declined.



Excuse me?

He's not coming.

I left a note on your desk.

Show me where his office is.

No one ever listens to me around here.

- Sharon!
- Coming.

If he's going to have us
rehearsing over the summer break,

the least we can demand is that he keep

the room at a comfortable 72.

- 70.
- What do you care?

It doesn't affect the fucking triangle.

It's an idiophone.

It resonates more clearly at 70.

That is such a goddamn myth.

Can we try to stay focused on this?

Lazlo used to tell him to shut it.

Don't put Cynthia in that box, man.

- Guys...
- She's her own dude.

- Bob: I have low circulation.
- You're on my side, right?

- You know you get a clearer tone...
- My hands can't move fast when it's cold...

This is bullshit.

Who cares about rehearsal room temperature

when management is trying
to cut our sick pay by 40%

and our pension payout in half?

Only for new hires.

D.D.: We're all in this together.

Don't short change our young
brothers and sisters, Bob.

Cynthia: Exactly.

Rodrigo: Fill it a little
bit less than three quarters.

More. More. More.

More.

It's always a bit messy,
so don't worry about it.

The important thing is to shake it,

so now put your hand on top of the gourd.

Now turn it over. Yeah.

And shake. Shake, shake,
shake it very hard. Shake.

More. Shake.

Okay, now turn it over and back.

The water has to be below boiling,

so 85 degrees Celsius or less.

Now pour the water where the level is low

where the leaves are like a little hill.

The yerba has to absorb it. Allow it.

And put the bombilla, the straw.

Uh-huh. Okay. And now we wait.

But don't turn off the tape.

You stay there, and I will be right here.

I'll tell you when it feels right.

Hailey,

why the oboe?

Well, uh, well...

my dad suggested it

because my grandmother had played, so...

Ah, man, it's funny, you know?

I'm sorry. It was a joke.

It's funny because I'm not there, you know?

Forgive me.

Eagle!

There's an eagle outside.

Where's your snake?
¿Dónde está tu serpiente?

Aah! Aah! Aah!

It's fascinating, an eagle
in the city, you know?

I can relate.

Okay, Hailey,

now it should be ready.

Slurp in the first sip
and then spit it right out.

Spit it, spit it. Don't drink it.

Don't drink it because it's too bitter.

Wait a few seconds.

Okay. Good.

Now drink it.

Okay.

That is how mate should taste.

This is a real pain in the ass, Sharon.

What the hell is this?

I showed him the offices upstairs.

He preferred to be closer to the ground.

He liked the acoustics better.

Closer to the ground?

We are under the ground.

I didn't even know this was here.

... good digestion...

Maestro, it's Gloria.

Maestro,

may I come in?

Mrs. Windsor, hi.

Where is he?

Uh, the maestro went to the library.

- He said it...
- Call him.

Uh, okay.

Is there, like, a faster way to use this?

You must have had a lot of
patience in the olden days.

Mate. It's, like,

- actually, a really amazing...
- I don't care. Listen, young lady,

there was a very black,
very stretched limousine

idling out front.

It is here to take my maestro

to an event of great importance to us.

I want you to take this car to the library,

put him in it, and get
him there in an hour.

It's formal. Any later,

and I will have a seizure of some kind,

and you will lose your job...

again.

Sharon, I'm going to reverse out.

Suicide prevention. This is Lizzie.

Hey, Lizzie, where are you?

Do you know that dry cleaner on Grand?

Awesome bulletin board.

Is it weird that I think I qualify

for, like, literally all these jobs?

Man, I've got some calls to make.

Oh, thank God you're here.

I'm looking for a man that has, like...

I've got this, Hail.

Is there, like, a quiet room where, uh,

a man could meditate or marinate?

Something like that.

You mean like a library?

Let's go.

Here he is. Is this him?

Uh-uh.

Helena. Ah. Look at you. Stunning.

How are those two handsome
little boys, Ryan and Scott?

You know, I'm on the board of Collegiate...

when the time comes, of course.

Edna, you look beautiful.

Margaret, love the Lanvin.

God, it's a shame about Eugene.

I can't imagine not seeing him
at the Everglades this winter

with his brilliant collection of cravats.

You know, he lent me one once.

Oh, I never gave it back to him.

I'm going to treasure it
forever. Isn't that right, love?

Thomas loves that cravat.

I do.

I'll check in with you later, okay?

Bunny.

It's such a treat to see you, Gloria.

And you.

So where's this handsome young matador

you hired to run the place?

Well, you can't rush genius.

Excuse me just one moment.

May I borrow the maestro?

Oh, Excuse me.

Ah ha.

The natives are getting restless.

Well, you hired the capricious child.

Look, all I'm saying is

we can't be surprised
by his mañana attitude.

- What time is it?
- Oh.

Um, oh, bugger me, it's late.

All right. No worries, darling.

I will, as they say, seize the day.

Um, ladies, please, may
I have your attention?

Please, gather around.

Welcome, old friends and new,

to this little fête

to kick-start off our
2015 capital campaign,

or, as we like to call
it, capital punishment.

Now, last year,

you generously endowed

the concertmaster's chair.

This year, we're asking you as a group

to endow two batons,

mine and our new incoming
conductor Mr. de Souza.

Now, each of you will have
a number of musical notes

in front of you,

and on those notes there
will be different numbers.

So we're asking you to raise a note...

preferably the one with
the most zeroes on it...

for myself and for the other fella.

That way, we will find out

which one of us maestros
is the most well endowed.

Thank you.

I know it's a cheap, cheap joke.

You know,

by the time I was your age, I was dead.

I know, maestro.

I'm aware.

Hmm. That's curious.

I didn't even bother to finish that one.

Oh, maestro,

I'm trying to find the
music within the music,

the essence, not the... the appearance.

Oh. A poet.

It seems to me to be about glory.

Maestro.

Hailey.

Oh, can you... can you knock?

Just knock, knock?

I did. I was just knocking on a book,

so it was really soft and old.

It didn't really make a sound.

That's fine.

Okay. Apologies then.
Thank you for knocking.

Uh, maestro, I really
need you to come with me.

I will explain everything later.

Who is she? Who are you?

I'm Lizzie.

I live with her.

And, uh, this is your suit.

I lost the receipt.

I hate the plastic.

Maestro, as we move forward,

could we please work out
some kind of shared schedule?

- Rod, my old boss...
- Lizzie, please.

Maestro, my old boss was having an affair,

and we came up with a
killer color coded system

to keep it all straight, and, you know...

- Lizzie.
- ... it worked.

Mm-hmm. Mm.

Wait.

Do you hear that?

What?

That.

Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.
Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

Ta-ta ta-ta-ta.

- Yes.
- Yeah?

Yeah.

No.

The snare drums.

Are you guys fucking with me?

And that...

Strings.

Oh, hey, Mom.

No, I'm just in a cab
with a couple of stoners.

My mom says hi, Hailey.

And those are the woodwinds.

The melody.

¿Por qué los violinistas
son tan malos amantes?

_

_

_

_

Muy buena.

_

_

No.

_

_

_

Sorry. What?

_

_

_

You see, you always have to
keep your instruments very close.

Mm.

_

_

_

_

We're going to do a little, um...

How do you say? Detour?

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

This is dedicated to my lovely wife Claire.

40 years in December.

She who masters the maestro.

You are so fortunate.

Yes.

Come on, ladies, don't
let me sing for my supper.

I have a terrible voice.

Ah.

Thank you. Thank you so much, Anne.

Maybe more notes will appear.

_

Yes, darling?

There is a message for you from Constanze.

Constanze? I don't know a Constanze.

Of course you do.
Constanze was Mozart's wife.

Only you're no Mozart,

and that slut Cynthia is
nobody's wife, darling.

What the hell are we going to do

about this refrigerator situation?

Why are you putting it in quotes?

Here we go again.

It's full of stinky old Chinese food...

First of all, it's Thai food.

Plus it's not old. That's how it smells.

Fine. It's full of stinky
old brand-new Thai food.

Point is my new medication
says"Keep refrigerated,"

- and there's no room.
- Okay.

Well, go into battle for a bigger fridge.

Really, we will. I'll put it on the list.

- Ernesto.
- Gracias.

Don't worry, Hailey. It will be fast.

Gloria is going to have
a seizure of some kind,

and I'm going to lose my job again.

But you do not work for Gloria.

Smells like heaven.

Smells like a home.

_

_

_

_

Uno, dos, y trés.

We got to get out of here.

Mm.

If you lose your job, can I have it?

Oh.

Please forgive me for
being so terribly late.

Mrs. Remeny, apologies.

Apologies. The McGills. Ah,

strength.

Mrs. Beckenbauer, it's
always nice to see you

everywhere in the world.
Everywhere, everywhere.

Gloria.

Ah, thank God you've arrived.

Ladies, may I introduce you

to the new crown jewel of our symphony?

Bravo!

Come on, dear, no need to shout.

Thank you. Thank you.

So nice to finally meet you, maestro.

I'm Bunny...

Sheiffelbein. Mrs. Sheiffelbein, yes?

I'm glad we could drag you away from the...

What is it? The Joffrey.

Joffrey, yes. Thank you for coming.

I miss your hair.

Well, I have some locks that I kept,

so I can send you one whenever.

- Oh.
- Any time.

Maestro.

So good of you to finally join us.

It drives me crazy to
arrive so late. I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no, no, no. You're right on time.

Well, maestro, Thomas played for us.

Are you going to play for us as well?

No.

No, no, no.

I think we're going to do something

a little bit different.

Mrs. Sheiffelbein, can I
borrow your glass, please?

You can borrow anything you want.

Mm.

Okay.

Okay, Gloria.

Rodrigo, we can get you your own drink.

Can somebody please give
him a glass of champagne?

It's okay. Oh, please. Would
you mind, uh, sitting there?

And please, I need your help.

Can you come with your
glasses as well, please?

And you, okay, yes, please.
Just put yourself there.

Everyone come closer, please.

Would you please come?

Okay, let me see these.

Okay. Good.

Now, if I may be so bold

to ask you all to wet your finger, please?

Then what should we do with it?

Nothing too risqué.

It's a shame.

For the love of God.

Now place your finger very lightly

on the top of the glass like this.

And...

do you feel it?

It's happening, right?

Okay, now, everyone, stop, please,

and, Mrs. Sheiffelbein, would you mind?

Good. Mrs. Gibbs?

Good. Okay, Mrs. Sheiffelbein?

- *
- Mrs. Gibbs?

- *
- Okay, good.

Now follow me, okay? We're going to do this

a little bit faster, all right?

So, and...

Oh, my God.

Yes.

- Gloria: Oh!
- Yes.

Marvelous, marvelous.

- Thank you.
- Ladies,

who would like to endow that baton?

We have a 5,000 there.

Oh, look, 20,000.

Thank you, Mrs. Sheiffelbein.

Claire, what...

- Damn!
- Mrs. Pembridge,

10, 000. Thank you, maestro.

- Damn it.
- Thank you, thank you.

Are you aware

that this man has publicly stated

that the New York Symphony
is an irrelevant corpse?

- Thomas.
- And furthermore,

he's experimented with and endorsed the use

of illegal hallucinogenics.

He flits from composer to composer,

mocking a carefully considered program,

because the"1812 Overture"

is obviously not good enough for him!

God, I'm sick of his goddamn stupid...

Maestro, maestro, have I
insulted you in any way?

Worse! You have insulted Tchaikovsky.

Oh, God, I wish I'd watched
Real Madrid all those years ago

instead of judging that damned
youth conducting competition.

Thomas, enough. Settle down.

L... let's go outside
just for a minute. Come on.

No, you stay. I'll go.

It's what you've been wanting for years.

Thomas, control yourself.

Go suck on a lemon.

Maestro?

Man: Hey, Johnny, I have
no problem whatsoever

opening up your fucking face

and shoving that breakfast burrito

straight down your throat
into your fat stomach.

What the fuck? Get to work!

Hmm.

Junior, where's that lighter fluid?

Maestro.

Rodrigo.

Please, come in.

Ahh. I'm mortified. I'm gutted.

Please forgive me if
anything I said yesterday

made you feel like I do not respect you

because I respect you so much.

Forgiven. Absolutely, utterly forgiven.

Thank you.

The heir to the throne

must always kill the king.

I did it to Scherheiser,

and that's what you're doing to me.

It's the law of the
jungle, isn't it? I mean,

there can only be one lion at a time.

What are you doing?

- Ah.
- Hi. Sorry.

So I couldn't find lighter fluid,

but I have paint thinner
and kerosene. That work?

Obviously, kerosene. Thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

You can go.

Yes. Okay.

Hmm. Well. Yeah.

Look, um...

I'm going on sabbatical.

- Sabbatical?
- Mm-hmm.

Where are you going to go?

Somewhere warm, somewhere quiet,

somewhere where I can
think and read and write

- and...
- Ah, yes.

Here, I'm completely burned out here.

I've got to recharge.

I understand. I so understand.

No, you don't,

but you will.

Would you mind? My back is out.

- Could you help me with these?
- Absolutely.

- Would you mind?
- Yes.

Junior's one arm short at the moment.

You know, you may want to consider

working within the system

rather than bashing your
head against a brick wall

time and time again.

You know, you really should trust me.

Excellent.

You sure?

There goes my whole life.

Yeah.

For God's sake,

get out of that fucking
hoveland take my office.

It's the only sanctuary
you're ever going to have.

I'm not that into offices.

You know, to quote the great man,

"To talk well and eloquently

is a very great art,

but then an equally great one

is to know the right moment to stop."

Yes, maestro.

Thank you.

Ha ha. The Benutka family
allows us to use this

as part of their annual gift. Come on.

Let me show you something.

Wow.

Whew. It's elevated.

You've earned it.

I don't think we've ever
raised that much money

in one single event.

Ha ha.

And that's net the damages

that we had to pay the Knickerbocker Club.

Ha ha ha.

Ai, Gloria,

I only have so many of those in me.

Yes, yes. Yes, I understand.

But

fundraising is not mundane, my dear.

Neither is my art.

Okay.

I'll do my best to limit the
number you have to attend.

On my word.

Thank you.

I, uh, I know that you're
less than enthusiastic

about the social media proposals.

No, it's fine, it's fine.

And the photo shoot?

I'll do it.

Come. Ba-ba-ba.

You know, I used to be scared of heights,

but then I realized that I was
just scared of being scared.

- Wow.
- Hailey.

Maestro, I have everything
that you ordered.

The hammock, though, I
had to specially order.

But, uh, the licorice
root and the molding clay

and the, uh, tagetes lucida...

- Titura.
- Oh, I've heard of that.

It's wonderful for stomach upset.

And for dreaming, for dreaming...

Oh, yeah. Interesting.

Ciao.

Bye-bye, Gloria. Thank you.

- Adios.
- Bye, Ms. Spencer.

Oh. Also, this came for you from Greenland.

I thought you might want to see it.

Ai.

What is this?

The melody is so bizarre.

We often wrote in code.

Who?

Ana Maria.

She's coming to New York.

She's telling me to stay away.

- sync by SashaS -