Motherland (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Christmas Special - full transcript

This story's about a wonderful night
with a baby, a manger

and a bright, shining light,

when Mary and Joseph
arrived in Nazareth

and Jesus, our Lord,
took his first breath.

CHILDREN SING SILENT NIGHT
Where's yours?

King Herod - in front of the Viking.

He looks like Hugh Hefner.
Yes! That's who it is.

Ssh!

You really smell of booze, Meg,

you smell like the carpet
at Wetherspoon's.

I got taken out by some clients
for a worky, boozy, brunchy -



mainly boozy - booze-up brunch.
I love Christmas corporates!

Guys, please pipe down!
I'm trying to watch.

Spoiler alert,
Joseph's not the father.

BABY CRIES

Sorry. Sorry.

What's up with you? Early menopause?

I promised my girls
I'd wear my Christmas jumper.

It's like a wet T-shirt competition
underneath here.

HE PLAYS SILENT NIGHT

Goodness! He's very good, isn't he?
Well, yeah. That's Mr Washbourne.

Eh?He used to be in the band
Toploader before he became a TA.

He's got a tattoo of an eagle
on his thigh.

I follow him on Facebook.

Wasn't that fab?



Well done, Year 6!

Who's up for an encore?

Hell, yeah! Whoo!

HE PLAYS JOY TO THE WORLD

Manus was great, wasn't he,
as Harry Potter?

He was an orphan time-travelling
schoolboy narrator, Anne.

I don't remember that bit
in the Bible.

Mr Barrett wrote the part
especially for him.

I think there could be
a future for him in acting.

He's just got that confidence,
you know. Not the annoying kind.

Guys, guys, guys, quick Q!
Has anyone heard of Mein Kraft?

My girls are asking for it
for Christmas.ALL:Yes.

It's Minecraft, Kevin.Yeah,
that's what I said, Mein Kraft.

Minecraft, not Mein Kraft. It's not
German - Hitler didn't write it.

My Charlie's obsessed with it.
I don't know why.

It's just building stuff,
it's educational.

Charlie wants to be an architect
because of it,

or a potion maker -
he hasn't decided yet.Oh, great.

Well, obviously,
I'm going to play it all first

to make sure there's no misogyny
or casual drug references.

You know you can't play
all of Minecraft, yeah?Hm?

Never mind. What's the plan, pub?
I need a booze boost.

Guys, I thought
we were going to the Living Nativity

as an end-of-term treat.

Mm...Nah.

There's a mulled wine stall?
Ooh! I love a mulled wine!

Come on!

I don't know about you
but, any time I see a big crowd,

it makes me think
of a terrorist attack.

And a happy Christmas to you too,
Anne.

Was there this much of a queue at
the original nativity, do you think?

I don't know. Ask Amanda. I'm pretty
sure she was there.Very funny, Liz!

Hey, I heard there's going to be
a rabbit you can pat.One rabbit?

One rabbit for all these kids
going in and out? Jesus Christ!

How many pats can one rabbit take?

Er, 200.Eh?

Roughly speaking,
200 pats or 15 minutes' worth

of heavy patting
is a rabbit's limit.

Do you think Anne patted
a rabbit to death?

Yeah, that's why
she had to leave Ireland.

Oh, guys, before I forget -
Christmas Eve, 7pm,

I'm having a little
festive gathering chez moi.

I've only got
one stiffy invite left.

Actually, it's officially for
Meggie.Oh, thank you!There you go.

It's got your name on it there.

The rest of you just
take down the deets, yeah?

MAN:Next family, please.
Charming!Come on!

Give us a look at your stiffy, then.
"Amanda's annual Christmas drinkies.

"Dress code - tinsel and tiaras.
Bring a gift for Evil Santa.

"Real champagne 6-7,
Cava thereafter."

I'm not going to
her anal Christmas drinkies

if she's not giving me a stiffy.
Who has a party on Christmas Eve?

The night before Christmas
and you're cooking and cleaning,

making up the beds, folding towels -

your big towels, your small towels,
your hand towels...

Are Paul's parents staying over?
Yes, yes, yes, they are.

The rest of his family arrive on
Boxing Day, so both days are awful.

I mean, basically,
I'm a Christmas servant.

Well, Christmas isn't Christmas

without a bit of family politics,
is it?

Who's going to have the last sprout?
Why did you pull my cracker?

Who's going to clean up after
Jill's grandad's used the toilet?

I'm taxiing over to Jill's mum's
very early on Christmas morning

with the turkey, potatoes,
cauliflower cheese, spiced beef,

pigs in blankets, the ham,
cheese board - the full caboodle.

Then basically all I have to do is
head over and serve it.

And wash up.What does Jill do?

She fills a bowl with Quality
Street - best bit of the day.

Lee's got the kids this year,
so that's that.

Christmas can get fucked.

Is Sam the shepherd not coming
down to worship at your manger?

Guys, heads up -
not a real reindeer.

I've been to Lapland.
It's at best a Muntjac.

At worst,
an Alsatian with a strap-on.

JULIA LAUGHS

PHONE RINGS

Jesus! Who puts a quarter
of an onion in the fridge?

We brought some bits and pieces
from our fridge

that would have gone off -
thought they might be of use.

PHONE RINGS

What?I've been in this queue
for nearly 25 minutes.Ah!

What absolute shit are you
going to panic buy me this year?

Another apron that says, "Bitch,
I'm the secret ingredient"?No...

Hey, can you just ask Dad
if Mum needs a new epilady?

My God! Why can't you?

You know he never answers his phone.

Geoff!Geoff!Geoff!

LOUDER: Geoff!

Paul wants to know, does Elizabeth
need a new epilady?What?

LOUDER: Does Elizabeth
need a new epilady?

Do you need a new epilady,
Elizabeth?No.No.No.

Shit! OK, OK, um, what about
a Michael Kors clutch?

Or a massive suitcase?

Oh, Julia, do you have any Sellotape
and scissors?

Right, yes, fine.

You don't need to worry
about wrapping paper -

we recycled all ours from last year.

Um... Are we eating today?Hey?

It's Christmas Eve, Geoff!

Nobody eats on...
There's food everywhere!

Just peel a satsuma, crack a nut.

Tuck into a quarter of an onion,
you coffin-dodging old shit!Julia?

Could you pop the kettle on?
I left the cups on the counter.

PHONE RINGS

What?

Would you like an Antony Worrall
Thompson salt pig signed by him?No.

OK, what about Jaeger sockettes?
Ted Baker sunglasses?

Julia, where are all the towels?

I can only find the crispy ones
you use for the dogs.

It's like drying myself
on a Weetabix.

OK, well, give me a minute.

I'll just pop down to Harrods and
purchase you a cashmere bath sheet.

Oh, Julia!

No, because I live to serve and I
just have all this to do, all this!

If you just give me
nine hours to spirit up Christmas,

and then I can
dust off my towel loom

and weave you one from the hair
from a baby's arsehole!

All right, Julia.

I'll use one of the crispy ones, hm?

OK, guys,
I'm just popping out to kill myself!

I would put my head in the oven,

but there's a turkey the size
of a chubby toddler in there.

See ya!

Is my tea ready, Julia?

Can't you just tether
some reindeer to the front

and drag your van to London?

Yeah, it's hard to get
reindeer roadside recovery

at the best of times,
let alone on Christmas Eve.

You got my bloody hopes up.
Well, look, if it's any consolation,

it looks like I'll be spending
my Christmas Day in a lay-by.

KNOCKING
Hold on.

JULIA:Lizzie! Lizzie!

I'll call you back.

Yo!

So I've run away from home so that
we can go to Amanda's anal party.

Oh, no, no!Yes. Please!No!Please!
No, I'm not in the mood!

Sam's not coming now,
so I'm just going to start wallowing

in my own shitty Shitmas without
the kids and watch Hereditary again.

Please, Lizzie!No!I just really...

I want to go somewhere where I don't
have to tidy up or pay! Please!

If you're a good girl, I'll give you
a big snog under the mistletoe.

PHONES CHIME

JULIA CHUCKLES

I hate you! All right.

It took me hours to build up
my Minecraft Homestead.

I had, like, a room for my horse,
I had a couple of cows,

I had a waterfall,
then your Charlie joined the party,

I showed him round,
and he just went nuts

and set fire to the annexe
I'd made for the pigs,

so I went to his place
and did the same.

Oh, put it away, Kev!
You're not eight!

Oh, dear!

Do you think it's a Banksy?

How disappointing!

Who would do something so nasty?

Was it you?

I wouldn't use that font!

Right, come on. We're going to
miss all the real champagne.

Mm!

Oh! Welcome, welcome!
Shoes off, please.

Oh, I have a fungal infection.
Merry Christmas.

Gosh, Amanda,
this is absolutely stunning!Yeah.

It's actually
for my Higa Tiga website shoot.

Everything with a price tag is from
my shop, and for sale.

Oh, my God!
That is absolutely mahoosive!

Was that gifted
by the people of Norway?

No, actually, no.

Now,
if you have been to my dos before,

you will know
I have a strict schedule.

Evil Santa's at seven followed
by carols by scented candlelight.

Anne is manning the bar, there is a
patio area outside for mulled wine.

Please, no dark drinks
inside the house.

Otherwise, kick back,
have fun, guys!

PHONE CHIMES

Oh, my goodness! Those little sods!

They've kidnapped my llamas!

It's the pussy posse! And Kevin!

And Kevin!

Minecraft.Oh.

Can you believe all this shit?

I mean, who has a Christmas hippo?

That hippo completely sums up
why I fucking hate Christmas.

Pornstar Martini, Pornstar Martini?
Why is it called a Pornstar Martini?

Because it relaxes your anus.
Oh, God!Mmm!

BELL RINGS

Evil Santa time!

OK. Sh-sh-sh! Everyone! OK.

So, FYI, this is like a really fun
take on Secret Santa -

you get to swap your pressies
if you don't like them,

whether the other person
wants to or not.

Ouch! OK, so, has everyone
put their pressies in?No.

No-one told me about Evil Santa.
Well, it was on the invite, Liz.

I didn't get an invite.OK.

I guess, just watch,
but please don't try and join in.

OK.

Bad luck if you get picked first.

Oh, that's me. Oh, well.

What's it going to be?

Oh!

Oh, what's that?

Oh!

A candle from Higa Tiga.

Love it! Great. That worked out.

I'm thrilled. OK, who is next?
Who's it going to be?

Anne.Oh!

Come on, Anne!

Have a look. Come on!

Move it, move it!
What is it? What is it?

What is that?Oh, that's me.

It's quarter of an onion -
my in-laws brought it.

Don't you dare swap that
with my lovely candle!

No.OK. Yeah.

Well, yeah, I need a bit of onion
for my bread sauce anyway, so...

That's the spirit, Anne!
Off you go! OK. Who's next?

Let's have a look.
Ooh! Julia, come along!

Here we go! Come on.

SHE LAUGHS

Lemon squeezer.It's Lakeland.Hey?

Don't you dare try
and swap that for my lovely candle.

Well, obviously, I will.
I don't want a lemon squeezer.

It's Lakeland.No!Yes.

Julia, it's my party.But you
said... You said that's the point.

It's from my shop.You outlined
at the beginning that...

Sweetheart, you're embarrassing us.
The clue's in the name, isn't it?

Julia!So the candle.Stop it,
stop it, stop it, stop it!

Thank you.

Thanks, Anne. OK. Ah! Kevin!

Where is Kevin? Kevin?

I'll go and get him. Kevin?

OK, I'll pop his name back in. Er...

Claire!Yeah.Come on, Claire!

DING DONG MERRILY ON HIGH PLAYS

Fucking hell!

Oh, hey. Don't let me drink
too much.How much is too much?

Well, I need to stay
on the right side of hungover

to deal with tomorrow.Really?

God, I thought your Christmas
would be perfect.

No, cos we always have
Bill's ex-wife, Vivian, over.

She's driving up
from Salisbury tonight.Gosh!

That sounds very grown-up
and functional.

No, it's shit
because I stole her husband!

Bill left her for me.

And she's
so fucking gracious about it.

I'd rather deal with a hangover
than Vivian's kind, forgiving face.

OK, well, here's to your shitty
functional Christmas, then.

Get that down you. Chin-chin, dear!

Kevin?

This house is sapping any joy
I had left in my soul.

You know the toilet plays
Ding Dong Merrily On High?

Did you leave a yule log in it?
I mean, who's it all for?

It's for us so that we all know
that Amanda's winning.

It makes you want to volunteer

at a homeless shelter or something,
doesn't it?

I definitely would
if I didn't have the kids.

And I was a nicer person.

And I could be arsed.

Right, who wants to have a snoop
through Amanda's Christmas drawers?

Ooh! Yeah.

Ooh!

Wow!

I didn't know Amanda was
related to Barbara Cartland.Oh!

This is just the kind of bedroom
I imagined losing my virginity in.

Rather than the fourth storey
of an NCP car park?

Actually, it was a tent
at the Reading Festival.

I don't want to slut shame,

but nothing says slag
like mistletoe in a bedroom.

Oh, my God! Kevin,
what are you doing down there?!

Mein Kraft!

I'm mid-raid, I'm mid-raid.

Filthy little boy!Ho, ho, ho!

Who wants a festive goblet
of mulled wine?

Meg, are you mad?
Did you miss the memo?What?

No dark drinks in the house!

Really? Why?The carpet, woman!
Oh, my God!

Who does that? Why has she got
a white carpet?

I hate millimalism! Mizimalism...!

Give it to me.
I'll put it in the en-suite.

OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.

Ooh!

Careful, Kevin!Oh, God!

ALL: No!
Ooh!

MEG LAUGHS

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Oh, my goodness! Oh, wow!

Did you see that?Yeah!

You were like a cat, Kevin.
High five!Oh!Ooh!

MEG LAUGHS LOUDLY

Oh, my God, the carpet! Get some
towels! Get some wet towels!

Wet towels? That will just
spread it.What do you put on blood?

Is it vinegar?Flour, flour.
White wine, white wine.

We're not making a gravy, Kevin!
Get some bicarbonate of soda!

I'll check the kitchen.Get some
toilet tissue. Tissue, tissue!

I'm so sorry, so sorry.Don't you
be sorry, it's Meg's fault.

I'm sorry!

It's like a crime scene.
I think you've broken my nose.

I think I'm going to be sick. I've
definitely pissed myself.Got it?

Got it. Right.Give it to me.

Oh!Oh, sh...Dust yourself off,
get it on the carpet.

Get it on the carpet!

Pat, pat, pat! Don't rub! Don't rub!

Guys, come on, it's carol o'clock!

Nothing.

Oh, my God!

Are you taking drugs?

Yes.

Yes, we've been sniffing cocaine.

Would you like some?

I know I seem pretty chill,
and that's because I am,

but there is a time
and a place, guys, OK?

Not cool.

Not cool at all.

And get out of my daughter's
bedroom!OK.Yeah, OK, sorry, yeah.

Oh!

That'll do.Yeah.

# Four calling birds,
three French hens

# Two turtle doves

# And a partridge in a pear tree. #

# You take the partridge,
you take it out the fridge,

# You put in the oven
and you cook it a smidge! #

Here we go.

# Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh

# Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh

# Christmas Day is
baby Jesus' birthday

# He lives at the top of the tree

# The Christmas tree... #

OK, OK, and, on that note, thanks
for coming, everyone, home time.

No, no, no, no, no! I don't want to
go home sober.You're not sober.OK.

Do grab a panettone from
the panettone pyramid. Anne, one.

Anne, are you walking home with us,
love?No, she's helping me clean up.

No, I have things to do -
I'm doing the bins.One, watch her.

OK.Whoopsy!Anne, get the glass.

That's lovely.OK.OK, wonderful.

Good evening.I love you.
That's so sweet.

Thank you!Bye!

Well, that was brilliant!

I feel terrible about the stain.

Everyone back to mine!
It's Christmas Eve, Meg.

Oh, come on, you flaky lightweights,
just one more eggnog!

So I don't have to face Bill's ex.

It's only...
SHE GASPS

Why am I wearing two watches?

What?

No, no, no, no!

Liz, can you call your child

and tell him to stop
raiding my homestead?

He's going to burn it down
and take all my gold!

What's Charlie doing on Minecraft
at this time of night?

Whoa, whoa. What the bloody hell?
Ooh, that's not cool.

Oh, my God!
Who would do such a thing?

Kevin, we saw it earlier.
What? And we didn't do anything?

You were dicking about
on Mein Kampf.

Wait, wait, wait,
we can't leave it up there -

what if a kid sees it
on Christmas morning?

I don't care, Kevin!
I've got a giblet gravy to make!

No, no.Ugh!I'm all for
free speech, but this is BS.

And-and blasphemy.

What do you want us to do, Kevin?
Find some paint and paint over it?

Exactly.Oh, my God.
It's 9:10, Homebase is shut.

That's just details, Liz.
This is what Christmas is all about!

It's parents all over the world
preserving the magical lies

we tell our kids to keep
the spirit of Christmas alive!

And I...I will not stand here
and let this truth be told.

Fine!

Ugh!

OK. OK, fine, Kevin.

Where are we going to find
some paint on Christmas Eve?

Hold on.
Why are there still people here?

I thought they were all leaving.

Maybe there's been
an accident or something.

Oh, for God's sake, Kevin.
We've been had.

We've been chucked out of a party
I didn't even want to be at.Right.

SHE KNOCKS

We know you're in there,
so open the door.

SHE KNOCKS AGAIN
Yoo-hoo!

Jesus Christ! Um, nothing.
I'm-I'm doing the bins.

Hey. Er, their taxis didn't turn up.

Bollocks!
You wanted to thin your party out

but didn't have the balls
to tell us.

This is my party.

If I want to vibe on with
my gal pals, that's my prerogative.

So you lied, you just
kicked us out into the snow.

It's not snowing, Julia.
I think you know what I mean.

Is this really Christmas spirit,
goodwill to all men,

peace on Earth, pa-ruppa-pum-pum?

Shame on you, shame on you
and your one invite between three.

Four.Four.

You can have your big,
showy-offy, Christmassy house.

Christmas is not about
your bibbles and bobbles,

and your edible wreaths.

It's not edible.

It's about what is in there,
and there's nothing in your there.

You're like an empty husk,
a mince pie with no mince.

You're a dead Christmas
with no heart!

What?

Goodnight, Julia.

Whoa! Let's just roll back.
Roll back.

Somebody has scrawled, um,
"Santa's not real"

on the Living Nativity.

What if a small child saw that?!

Yes. So what we need is a ladder,
some paint...

What was it you said, Julia?
A dead Christmas with no heart?

Um, did I? Um...

And now...you want my help?

No, not me, not me. The children.

They'll be wandering past
that atrocity

that says Santa's not bloody real!

Is that an apology?

If that's what you need, if that's
what you need, then I'm sorry.

How dare you!

My Christmas does have heart.
And, for your information,

this year I wanted it to be
especially special.

It is my first time hosting
without Johnny,

and probably the last time
in my lovely house,

so I am so sorry I went to such
a lot of effort for you all

and I hope you're happy
because you have ruined it!

How did we ruin it?

MEG:Tim-ber-r-r-r!

MEG LAUGHS

AMANDA GASPS

Didn't anybody film that?

Well, that's that, then.

No! We can't lecture Amanda
on Christmas spirit

and not do something about this.

Yeah, you did go a bit over the top
with the whole pa-ruppa-pum-pum.

METALLIC SCRAPING

Oh, my God! Anne, you little beauty.
KNOCKING ON WINDOW

Don't you dare, Anne!
Don't you dare, Anne!

Go, go, go!

I am calling your husband!

Right, let's get this Christmas
back on feckin' track.

Where's Meg, the lazy bugger?

Oh, God. I hope she's not gone in
with the donkey.

Can't abide donkeys.

I got bit on a school trip
to Skerries.

I was feeding one a fruit pastille
and it bit me under the nipple.

Ooh, Anne!

The priest lifted up my T-shirt
to check the bruise.

It's ironic, because actually,
Anne is French for donkey.

Why's that ironic, Kevin?Well,
it's interesting, then, it's...

It's just an interesting detail.

I think the interesting detail

is that after a donkey
bit Anne on the nipple,

she got molested by a priest.

Hey, guys, come here
and look at this!

Aww! That's nice and cosy.

God love her.Aww.

Wake the fuck up!

O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL PLAYS

Nothing like the smell of fresh
emulsion to see in Christmas Day.

Still got a toilet to unblock

and three massive bags of potatoes
to peel.

# Sing in exaltation

# Sing, all ye citizens
of heaven above

# Glory to God in the highest

# O come let us adore him

# O come

# O come let us adore him

# O come

# O come let us...

SINGING HIGH MELODY:
# Let us adore him

# Christ the Lord! #

It's nice of her to turn up
when we've nearly finished.

At the end of the day,
I can forgive you for the negging,

for the petty theft and the
desecration of my penguin tableau -

I know that was you, Liz -

but what I can't forgive...
She's seen the carpet.

..is myself,

for not rolling up my sleeves
and saving goddamn Christmas.

Because this isn't about us.

It's about the kids.

Budge up, Anne.

Kev, would you get a photo of this
for my Insta?

SOLO CHORISTER:
# Once in royal David's city

# Stood a lowly cattle shed

# Where a mother laid her baby

# In a manger for his bed

# Mary was that mother mild

# Jesus Christ her little child

CHOIR:# He came down to Earth
from heaven

# Who is God and Lord of all... #

CAR HORN BEEPS

# And his shelter was a stable

# And his cradle was a stall

# With the poor and mean and lowly

# Lived on Earth
our saviour holy... #

I'm sorry I stole your husband,
Vivian.

# We shall see him but in heaven

# Set at God's right hand on high

# When like stars
his children crowned

# All in white

# Shall wait around. #

CHILDREN'S FOOTSTEPS
Mummy, Santa's been!