Motherland (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
Don't be closed. Please don't be closed!
Oh, God! Thank you, Jesus!
You're not closed!
OK, great, great, quick, quick!
Which shoes?
Wow! God, it's like you've been, erm...
.. looted!
It's totally barren in here.
Right, where, where are the, erm...
.. black school shoes?
Black shoes?
Can anyone help me?
No. OK.
Erm, you. OK. Hello.
Where are the, erm, back-to-school shoes?
The, the black, black school shoes?
They, er... Oh!
Ha.
Do you have this in a, erm, 3.5?
That's a baby shoe.
Right.
Do you have any black shoes in a 3.5?
Come on, Ivy!
I did tell you to break
them in round the house!
What did you do for your holidays, Liz?
Lee took the kids for two weeks,
so I spent it with the Bransons
on Necker Island.
Sunbathing topless and
sucking off billionaires.
- Really?
- I had to work the whole time.
The kids went into seven
different sports clubs,
which they absolutely hated!
- But, on a positive, they're now
county level at badminton. - Oh...
I enjoyed every minute of the hols,
I took the kids camping in Dorset.
Magical.
Great toilet block, and sinks with taps,
so more glamping, really.
Jill joined us on the Saturday, for lunch.
I was just thinking that!
Who is that?
Oh, that's Meg, Jade's mum.
She's actually got two
other kids of her own,
and two stepchildren,
but they're very close.
She's a REAL high-flyer.
I believe she did a
talk at Davos last year.
Who's her favourite Spice Girl?
She's friends with my friend
Sally. Do you know Sally Lawson?
She dated Marco Pierre White for a while.
- Oh, how is Sally?
- You don't know her, Kevin.
They've just bought the
house opposite you, Julia!
How do you not know that?!
We all know each other on my street.
I suppose I'm very community-minded.
How can she have five kids?
You can't be a high
flyer and have five kids.
I've got two children and
a job I phone in and I...
.. already have incredibly
low self-esteem.
Who does she thinks she
is, Nicola Horlick?
Oh, I love Horlicks. Do
you remember Horlicks?
Oh, do you remember Bovril?
Well, Sally knows Nicola
Horlick, so I think, yeah,
Nicola could be a friend of Meg's, yeah.
No, no, she can't possibly
have time for friends,
I think that's just spin.
That's pretty un-feminist of you.
Oh, my God!
I think you hate women!
Nope, I hate everybody.
- Hi, hiya. - Oh! - Hi, Anne.
Hello, Anne!
You're looking healthy!
Oh, it's very nice of you to say.
I feel like over the holidays I
kind of filled out a bit, so...
Yeah, that's what I meant!
No, you look great!
It's all Sophie's Choice, isn't it,
when we get older? Face or arse.
Oh, I dread to think which
I'll have to choose!
- You're pressing against me a
bit there, Anne. - Sorry, sorry.
Sorry to hear about Johnny, Amanda.
You were such a dynamic,
attractive couple.
If there's anything we can do to help...
He's not dead, Kevin.
It's absolutely amicable, we
have so much love and respect
for each other, we just...
.. realised we needed space to grow...
.. apart.
Well, that's a crock of shit.
But, anyway, welcome to the club.
The good news is, now you're a single mum,
you get 10% off at Dorothy Perkins.
Well, I'm not a single
mum, Liz, I'm a co-parent.
- There's a big difference.
- You wait to till he gets on Tinder.
See how much of a co-parent he is then.
I'm not going to rise to it, Liz.
Come on, kids.
Come on, sweetheart.
Bye!
- Bye! Be good, sweetheart!
- See you later.
Who's coming for a coffee
and a bitch about Amanda?
Oh, God, I wish I could,
but I've got to go to work.
They're streamlining, it's going
to be absolutely horrible.
I mean, horrific, you know,
if you can think of the most brutal
film you've seen, like, erm...
Watership Down.
Yeah, well, wish me luck.
- Right, I'm off, too.
- How's the new job?
Where is it again? Kidistan?
No! Kiddiverse.
It's a soft play centre.
They say it's London's largest ball pit.
You've obviously never been to
Love Muscle on a Friday night.
Good one! No, it's really great.
Part-time, so I can still drop the kids.
Very average wage, so Jill
doesn't feel threatened.
Free eye tests. The whole package, really.
I'm sure I can get you a discount,
if you want to bring the kids.
Thanks, but I'd rather have an episiotomy.
All right, I'm out of here.
Anne? Cake?
Where's Viv?
Julia? Can I, er, grab you for a minute?
Yes.
Bad news is we are streamlining,
but the good news is
we're getting rid of Viv.
So that means you get to take her job!
It's an opportunity for promotion, Julia.
So I'd be doing two people's jobs?
You're looking at this the wrong way.
It's more money, and it's a step up,
and technically, it's three people's
jobs, because Carl's gone too.
So...
.. you know, have a think, but
if you do decide not to accept,
then Martin is our next choice.
Martin's only been here for six months
and he's already had a written
warning about his breath.
I get it. It's a big step, 'course it is,
so, er, you know, take your time.
Give it a mull, think it through.
OK, great. Thanks, Andrew.
No worries.
But you do need to let us
know by tomorrow morning.
Si, certo. Certo!
What are you doing here?
Late on breakfast club payments.
She's going to turn me upside down
and shake the change out of my pockets.
What's her problem?
Why does she have to
make us all feel so shit?
What's YOUR problem?
Hate to agree with Amanda, but
it's a bit un-feminist of you.
No, it's un-feminist of HER!
I thought we all agreed, as feminists,
that, nowadays, it's
un-feminist to have it all.
Parliamo domani.
Si, arrivederci.
Ivy came to school today
in non-regulation shoes.
Ooh, well, I'm sorry, Mrs Lamb,
if my daughter is bang on-trend.
They're too big for her and
they have a kitten heel.
Dress for the job you want, I always say.
Fine. Well, I will add,
erm, late-night shoe shopping
to the list of things
I have to do tonight.
Next.
That is an incredible woman.
Do you take Nectar points?
Lamb?
She's a Rottweiler in a jazzy jumper.
That's a power player.
I'd have her working for me.
Right.
Meg! We haven't met properly yet.
I'm sure everyone's
told you, but I'm Amanda.
Da-da!
Amanda!
- My stepdaughter's name is Amanda.
- How funny!
Well, I've got five girls,
so one of them was going to
end up being called Amanda!
We've actually got a friend in common.
Sal Lawson.
- Oh yeah, Sal! - Yeah. - You know Sal?
Yeah, very well, very well.
She's a dear, dear friend of mine.
I don't really like Sal.
I think she's a two-faced bitch, actually.
Yes.
Thank you.
I totally, no, I agree,
I hate that about her.
Right. I'd better run, but
we are getting coffee, OK?
- Yeah, definitely.
- Love it!
I mean, I'd only have to do it
for a couple of years, you know,
- just to get me into that pay bracket.
- Take it, then.
Yeah, I'm already struggling
with the workload that I've got.
- Don't take it, then.
- Yeah, I know,
but then I'm going to be in
just career no-man's-land.
Do you know why it's called no-man's-land?
Because no man is there. It's all women.
- All the men have been promoted.
- Take it, then.
I know, but it's an
extra six hours a week,
- just a shitload of responsibility.
- Don't take it, then.
How does SHE do it?
Take it, then.
Hang on, no.
Don't take it, then.
Which one are we on?
Meg!
Meg, Meg, come join! There's
a seat here. Budge up, Anne.
Oh, you're all right, Mandy,
I'm going to go and sit
- over there by the toilets.
- It's Amanda.
I can't have two Amandas in my life, love.
Well, I can't be Mandy,
I'm obviously not a Mandy.
What can I call you? Big Amanda?
Erm, no!
OK...
.. old Amanda.
Oh...
Double macchiato, yeah? Takeaway.
Have you got your keepy cuppy cup?
Yeah, it's right here in my...
'Course I haven't!
Hi!
All right?
What happens over there
in pony club, then?
Oh, it's basically a self-harm table.
You go there if you want to
feel worse about yourself.
Amanda's the Queen.
All the rest are like
her ladies-in-waiting.
Except for Anne, who's
basically Paul Burrell.
They all hate Anne, but
she knows too much now.
And you're on the table by the
bogs, because you're the freaks,
the outcasts, the cool kids?
Yeah. And Kevin.
Kevin?
Like it.
Right.
All of you are coming
over to mine, tonight.
- Invite your third musketeer.
- Yeah, all right.
You too, chatty chops!
Nah.
Got to go. The kids have got
football in half an hour.
Right, 7pm, don't be late,
don't bring anything.
And don't tell the Stepford Wives!
Cool!
Half a brownie, as long as you
promise to eat your dinner, OK?
Well, excuse me, Mr Weinstein.
Oh, God, I'm, I'm so...
Did I just, I'm so, I'm so sorry!
Double Ds, innit? Hard to miss.
Boop!
Come on, babies.
- We're just leaving, Kev.
- Come on, love! - Oh...
OK, er, never mind, I'll, er...
I'll just, er...
Everybody out!
'.. star of a brand-new
series, starting tomorrow,
and he'll be joining
us here in the studio,
along with the Boy Scouts
live from Kilimanjaro.
But first, let's go over to Tim...
- Yo! - You coming to
Meg's, then, or what?
No, I've got too much work to do.
- What work?
- Head work, Liz.
I need to make a decision
about this bloody job.
Come on, spoilsport. When do we
ever get a night out together?
- Jill's baby-sitting.
- I don't want to go to Meg's, OK?
What's your beef with her? She's great!
Yes, well she's not my type,
Liz! You know, she's all,
"I've got a great career, five
kids and I'm a right bloody laugh."
You know, something's not right, there.
Oh, come for one, it's
only across the road.
You know, you could have a nose about.
She might be a hoarder or a
Scientologist or something!
Fine, I'll get my Crocs.
That's the spirit!
Paul, I'm going out!
Kev!
Jules. Liz. I can't abbreviate your name.
Get in!
Hey!
Mwah!
- All right?
- How are you?
Mwah! Hey!
Liz, Liz!
- Liz.
- What?
Did you see what happened?
- What, no what happened?
- We kissed on the lips!
- Why did you kiss her on the lips?
- I didn't mean to!
She, she, she just came at me!
I, I wasn't expecting it.
It was, it was a timing thing,
we, we were out of sync
with our head moves.
Oh, my God!
What am I going to do?
- Call your wife!
- Call my wife?!
I'm joking, Kevin!
Should I apologise?
It's, it's a tricky time,
you know, culturally.
Post-hashtag.
First the boob and then this!
I don't want her to think I'm
some kind of sexual predator.
Oh, well, just...
.. kiss someone else on the lips, then,
like that's your thing,
like a Spanish man.
The next person you greet, male
or female, kiss them on the lips.
- Oh, hello!
- Hi!
Not her.
Drinks! Wine.
Mmm! THAT is a good one.
Alexa, order 12 bottles
of Sauvignon blanc.
White wine, ladies?
Thanks.
Kev, white or red?
Red, please.
Oh, bloody hell, Lydia!
Put some clothes on,
nobody wants to see that!
Oh no, it's fine.
No, not, not, not fine,
but I'm, I'm totally cool.
Yeah, it's, it's fine.
Are you going to just
sulk all evening, then?
All right? This old git
is my husband, Bill.
Bill, these are the three
pricks I was telling you about.
Hi, Bill.
I'm a hugger, not a kisser
I'm afraid, big man.
Don't mind me!
Erm, Jade just wants me to read
Lightning Thief to her again.
Oh, my God, I loved that
book when I was a kid.
Me too!
When I come back down, I
am going to mix everyone
a wicked little number,
called Ireland's Tears.
Bloody delicious, and lethal.
Lydia, put some trousers on.
Oh, bloody hell, Lyds,
did you just fart on me?
Alexa! Who just farted on me?
'The creature fell to the ground
with a thud and Zeus and...
- Are you going through
my drawers? - No!
I have, er, I've just
had a bit of a headache
and I thought... I was
just looking for a...
Yeah, I was going through your drawers.
Seriously, I do the same.
Canesten's mine, Anusol's Bill's.
You don't like me, do you?
I don't meet many people
who don't like me,
so I can spot it a mile off.
No, I don't...
I think "not like" is quite strong,
er, I just find you quite really annoying.
You know, it's just you
have this massive job
and more children than a frog
and you just never seem to be
fretting -- in fact, you
actively seem quite happy,
and, why, why is that?
I just do what I need to
do when I need to do it.
You can't overthink this shit.
Yeah, you see, that's why
I find you challenging.
It's a work thing, innit?
Something about me touches a nerve...
What is it? Your boss is a prick?
You don't feel like
you're being listened to?
- They're moving you to Leeds?
- No, it's not, it's not that.
But, erm, it's cool, really, I'm, I...
No, no, no lay it on me, I'm all ears.
Seriously, this is what I do.
I'm a trouble-shooter.
It's right up my strasse.
Of course it is.
OK, fine, riddle me this,
wise woman of the woods.
- I've been offered a promotion.
- Great!
- More money, more authority. - Not
as simple as that, actually. - OK.
- Feed me the info.
- Erm...
Well, erm, you know, it,
it, it's really great,
erm, career-wise,
and, erm, I survived a cull,
which is very flattering,
but just, it's a lot more
responsibility and hours, obviously,
and I've only just been able to do my job
and sort of provide entry-level
mothering, so, erm...
Just, I just don't think I can do it.
OK. Bollocks to that.
You can't turn it down.
Cos if you do, you'll get passed
over for promotion and some bloke
who's been there five years less
than you will probably get it,
- probably named Marcus.
- Yeah, I mean, he's called Martin, but, yeah.
I always ask myself,
"What would a bloke do?"
Would he even think about not taking it?
- No, he fucking wouldn't.
- I know.
Yeah, I know. I know!
I know, I know, I know!
I know, I know.
- I know.
- You got to take it, babes.
Lean in, love. Lean in.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think I...
.. I might!
Right!
Alexa! Order me an Uber.
- We're going out.
- Oh!
Oh! No...
I, I, I... I can't come out, I
mean, I'm not even wearing a bra.
So, what? Your tits are like
quails' eggs, just fold your arms
and put a jacket on.
Well, I should go and get my
purse and let my husband...
No. You'll never come back out
again, I know your type. Here.
Liz, Kevin! Get your coats on, chop chop!
Liz, don't you have to get
back for the children tonight?
- No, Lee's got them!
- See? No excuses.
Love it! Very Annie Hall!
Mama!
All right, let's go! Woo!
I did some work for Uber
when they launched over here.
They paid me in Ubers!
Oh, bollocks! I've got a 10:30
work call with Mexico tonight.
What on Earth do you
say to Mexico at 10:30?
Basically, they just want to know
that you're there, you breathe down
the phone to them, ask them
to stick it all in an e-mail.
Lemon squeezy!
You want some Stoli?
I did some consultancy work
for the Latvian government.
They paid me in Stolis! Yeah!
I once did a temp job for a garden
centre, they basically let us take
home any plant that was
definitely going to die.
I operate on gut feelings,
and I knew in my gut that you
were my people, all of you.
You're all good friends,
and that's vital, it's
vital you find your tribe.
The last place I lived? We all had
each other's backs, all the mums.
We were like a battalion. A pack!
We were all there for each
other -- no mum left behind.
Say it!
- No mum left behind!
- Julia?
- No mum left behind.
- Lovely. Liz?
- No... - Mum left
behind! That's right, Liz!
Cheers, sneers!
She's like a TED talk!
- Right... shots! - She's right,
you know, maybe I can do this.
You know, I just need to get
organised. Did you see her calendar?
She's got everything just
meticulously planned out.
I've got a calendar, so...
Oh, shit!
I missed my mum's birthday...
I'd like to propose a
toast to Julia's promotion.
Oh, no, no. I'm not
sure if I'm going to...
Fuck it!
To me!
- Right, I'm going back for the rest.
- The rest?!
- Right, I'm out of here.
- What? Why?
- School night, innit? - It's only
eight o'clock, we'll just have a little
dance and we'll be home by ten, Liz!
That's not how tonight's
going to play out.
That one has a fridge
full of Yops and Red Bulls.
It's a classic '90s come-down concoction.
She's got a 10:30 with Mexico, Liz.
No, I'm off. Got the flat to myself.
My tequila should kick in right
about the time I'm in the bath
- having a wank.
- OK.
- Bye, Liz!
- Bye...
Dammit!
Dammit?! What about me?
That's going to give me PTSD!
Argh!
The music here is shit,
let's go someplace else.
How does she do what she does,
and still be such a goer?
Red Bull and Yop!
Kevin, do you know what, it
might be the tequila talking,
but I'm going to ask her to be my mentor!
Woo...!
I think I'm going to go do a sick!
Oh, God!
Sorry, sorry, it was already out!
- Kenny, what's the time?
- Oh, erm... nearly 10:30!
What are you doing, Kevin?
Hola!
OK, si, muy bien.
Perfecto, Alejandro.
Jill is the only other person on
this planet who's seen my willy.
What about your mum?
How dare you?!
What if she tells Bill?
Or Jill?
I'm going to go talk to her.
Just make sure there no weirdness.
Hi, hi, Meg, listen...
- I just need to clear something up.
- Uh-huh? - I just want you to know
that I had no intention...
Mm...
OK, loose lips, time to go home!
No!
What have I done? I think
she's in love with me.
Yeah, no, I think you're
off the hook, Kev.
Oh, wow... OK.
Right, she's completely nuts, I
think we should just leave her.
But we can't!
No mum left behind!
Kev, please...
Fine, you get her, I'll call a cab, yeah?
Where is she?
Oh! Hey, hey!
Have you seen our friend, the
lady that we came in with?
Pft.. she's over there.
Oh, dear...
- Right... name?
- JR Hartley.
- Postcode?
- NE1...
.. 4... A... BJ.
Yeah, no, sorry. I'm so
sorry, officer, she's with us.
- Look, this woman just needs
to go home. - Absolutely.
- She was urinating in the street.
- Jesus!
Many apologies, she doesn't get out much.
Well, that's funny, cos we
booked her here on Saturday.
Oh, I think that's our
Uber! Er... DYC... DYC!
Hi, hi! Are you here for Julia?
- Yeah.
- Yes! Kevin, quick, get her in!
- We're going to Wimbourne
Street via Almond Road. - Sure.
Oh, my God, Kevin! Go and get her!
Kevin, go and get her!
Get down here right now!
Please...!
Get down!
Right, I'm going to count to three!
One, two...
.. two and a half... three.
Right, right, that's it!
I'm counting to five!
- One, two...
- Oi!
Kevin, can't we just leave her?
I really hate this, and I want to go.
Julia, no mum left behind!
I don't care, Kevin, I want to go home!
Well, what if she gets
killed or something?
I don't want blood on my hands!
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Call Liz!
Please! Ah...
- Beep!
- Oi, oi, oi...
Cheer up, love, might never happen!
I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but
until the woman who just flashed me
gets off, this bus ain't going anywhere.
Julia, Kev! There's a
party on the bus now!
Wait here for a minute, yeah?
- All right, where is she?
- I'm king of the world!
Oggy, oggy, oggy... oi!
Oggy, oggy, oggy...
Oi! Who's coming up to join me!
Oi, Meg!
I've got some tequila!
Ooh...
Tequila!
Agh, get me booze!
Shhh!
- Right, Meg, you're home now.
- I want booze!
Shhh, Meg!
Shut her in here, Kev, so
she doesn't wake the kids.
I want booze! I want booze!
I... oh... Wait a minute!
I want champagne!
Alexa!
Play my New Year's playlist!
Da-da-dum-dum!
Shit, shit! How do you turn...
Where... where's the thing?
Alexa, turn the music off!
- Right, I'm sorting this.
- I need to take my coat off.
Alexa, play some happy hardcore!
Alexa... don't!
Woo!
Alexa... the children are in bed!
She's a loon, she is a monster.
- She is a monster!
- I told you.
What are you making there?
George's Marvellous Medicine.
Berocca, with a splash of
various knockout juices.
- What, you're going to drug her?
- Yeah.
- OK, cool.
- Wait...
.. who's watching Meg?
It's really stuffy in here, Kev.
Please, Kev? Come on, Kev!
Just a little finger!
Kev, just a little finger of air!
OK, OK, just...
.. just a smidgen!
Fuck you!
- Stop her, Kev!
- I've got to be up in two hours!
- Oh, Kevin!
- Argh!
Lock the front door!
Come on, Meg!
- Right, then, I'm off home.
- OK.
< Taxi!
Oh, my God!
Look what the cat dragged to school!
- What happened to you lot last night?
- I don't want to talk about it.
Out with Meg. That is not
going to be a pretty sight.
- It lives!
- Top of the morning!
- What? - What a great
night last night, eh?
- We've got to do it again sometime.
Thursday? - No! Thank you.
No, thank you.
So, I'm really tired, you
must be hanging in rags?
No, I feel fine! Right, mwah.
- See you later, got to scoot.
- Wait, wait, wait!
Sorry, can I just ask you how
you... Sorry, what is all this?
You were mental last night,
you tried to hijack a bus,
you got off with Kevin.
Yeah, it was a fun night, all right.
- I mean, we had to look
after you, though. - Cheers!
- No mum left behind, I'd do
the same for you. - But...
But you almost got arrested, I
don't understand how you even...
Sorry. How you...
.. do what you do and then do that?
- I mean, you were pissing
in the street. - Look...
It's how I let off steam.
I love my kids, I love my job.
I love my life!
But, in order to survive, I've got
to blow it up every now and again.
It's like... when a
snake eats a rat, Julia.
It's not pleasant, it's not nice...
.. but we have to do it. For survival.
See you at pick-up.
At least have a hangover,
a glimmer of remorse?
Where's your secret sadness?!
So...
- .. what's the verdict, Julia?
- Yeah, it's definitely doable.
I mean, I'd have to
reorganise things quite a lot.
I'd definitely have to re-colour
code my calendar and...
That's great! Well, we
shall let Felicity know.
I'd have to have a bit of a
rethink about my whole character!
I think I'd have to become much
more sort of work hard, play hard.
Whereas, at the moment, I'm
very much sort of work hard...
.. watch Poldark hard.
Sorry, Julia, is that a yes?
I saw a woman fall off a bus
and then try to order
cocaine from Deliveroo.
Probably cos she once said
yes to an offer like this.
I actually think I'm just going
to stick with what I've got.
You can't just stick with
what you've got, Julia.
That's not what's on the table.
You'd better tell old Martin
to dust off the Listerine.
Are you sure this is what you want?
I've never been more sure of
anything in my life, actually.
Good luck, Martin.
Oh, God! Thank you, Jesus!
You're not closed!
OK, great, great, quick, quick!
Which shoes?
Wow! God, it's like you've been, erm...
.. looted!
It's totally barren in here.
Right, where, where are the, erm...
.. black school shoes?
Black shoes?
Can anyone help me?
No. OK.
Erm, you. OK. Hello.
Where are the, erm, back-to-school shoes?
The, the black, black school shoes?
They, er... Oh!
Ha.
Do you have this in a, erm, 3.5?
That's a baby shoe.
Right.
Do you have any black shoes in a 3.5?
Come on, Ivy!
I did tell you to break
them in round the house!
What did you do for your holidays, Liz?
Lee took the kids for two weeks,
so I spent it with the Bransons
on Necker Island.
Sunbathing topless and
sucking off billionaires.
- Really?
- I had to work the whole time.
The kids went into seven
different sports clubs,
which they absolutely hated!
- But, on a positive, they're now
county level at badminton. - Oh...
I enjoyed every minute of the hols,
I took the kids camping in Dorset.
Magical.
Great toilet block, and sinks with taps,
so more glamping, really.
Jill joined us on the Saturday, for lunch.
I was just thinking that!
Who is that?
Oh, that's Meg, Jade's mum.
She's actually got two
other kids of her own,
and two stepchildren,
but they're very close.
She's a REAL high-flyer.
I believe she did a
talk at Davos last year.
Who's her favourite Spice Girl?
She's friends with my friend
Sally. Do you know Sally Lawson?
She dated Marco Pierre White for a while.
- Oh, how is Sally?
- You don't know her, Kevin.
They've just bought the
house opposite you, Julia!
How do you not know that?!
We all know each other on my street.
I suppose I'm very community-minded.
How can she have five kids?
You can't be a high
flyer and have five kids.
I've got two children and
a job I phone in and I...
.. already have incredibly
low self-esteem.
Who does she thinks she
is, Nicola Horlick?
Oh, I love Horlicks. Do
you remember Horlicks?
Oh, do you remember Bovril?
Well, Sally knows Nicola
Horlick, so I think, yeah,
Nicola could be a friend of Meg's, yeah.
No, no, she can't possibly
have time for friends,
I think that's just spin.
That's pretty un-feminist of you.
Oh, my God!
I think you hate women!
Nope, I hate everybody.
- Hi, hiya. - Oh! - Hi, Anne.
Hello, Anne!
You're looking healthy!
Oh, it's very nice of you to say.
I feel like over the holidays I
kind of filled out a bit, so...
Yeah, that's what I meant!
No, you look great!
It's all Sophie's Choice, isn't it,
when we get older? Face or arse.
Oh, I dread to think which
I'll have to choose!
- You're pressing against me a
bit there, Anne. - Sorry, sorry.
Sorry to hear about Johnny, Amanda.
You were such a dynamic,
attractive couple.
If there's anything we can do to help...
He's not dead, Kevin.
It's absolutely amicable, we
have so much love and respect
for each other, we just...
.. realised we needed space to grow...
.. apart.
Well, that's a crock of shit.
But, anyway, welcome to the club.
The good news is, now you're a single mum,
you get 10% off at Dorothy Perkins.
Well, I'm not a single
mum, Liz, I'm a co-parent.
- There's a big difference.
- You wait to till he gets on Tinder.
See how much of a co-parent he is then.
I'm not going to rise to it, Liz.
Come on, kids.
Come on, sweetheart.
Bye!
- Bye! Be good, sweetheart!
- See you later.
Who's coming for a coffee
and a bitch about Amanda?
Oh, God, I wish I could,
but I've got to go to work.
They're streamlining, it's going
to be absolutely horrible.
I mean, horrific, you know,
if you can think of the most brutal
film you've seen, like, erm...
Watership Down.
Yeah, well, wish me luck.
- Right, I'm off, too.
- How's the new job?
Where is it again? Kidistan?
No! Kiddiverse.
It's a soft play centre.
They say it's London's largest ball pit.
You've obviously never been to
Love Muscle on a Friday night.
Good one! No, it's really great.
Part-time, so I can still drop the kids.
Very average wage, so Jill
doesn't feel threatened.
Free eye tests. The whole package, really.
I'm sure I can get you a discount,
if you want to bring the kids.
Thanks, but I'd rather have an episiotomy.
All right, I'm out of here.
Anne? Cake?
Where's Viv?
Julia? Can I, er, grab you for a minute?
Yes.
Bad news is we are streamlining,
but the good news is
we're getting rid of Viv.
So that means you get to take her job!
It's an opportunity for promotion, Julia.
So I'd be doing two people's jobs?
You're looking at this the wrong way.
It's more money, and it's a step up,
and technically, it's three people's
jobs, because Carl's gone too.
So...
.. you know, have a think, but
if you do decide not to accept,
then Martin is our next choice.
Martin's only been here for six months
and he's already had a written
warning about his breath.
I get it. It's a big step, 'course it is,
so, er, you know, take your time.
Give it a mull, think it through.
OK, great. Thanks, Andrew.
No worries.
But you do need to let us
know by tomorrow morning.
Si, certo. Certo!
What are you doing here?
Late on breakfast club payments.
She's going to turn me upside down
and shake the change out of my pockets.
What's her problem?
Why does she have to
make us all feel so shit?
What's YOUR problem?
Hate to agree with Amanda, but
it's a bit un-feminist of you.
No, it's un-feminist of HER!
I thought we all agreed, as feminists,
that, nowadays, it's
un-feminist to have it all.
Parliamo domani.
Si, arrivederci.
Ivy came to school today
in non-regulation shoes.
Ooh, well, I'm sorry, Mrs Lamb,
if my daughter is bang on-trend.
They're too big for her and
they have a kitten heel.
Dress for the job you want, I always say.
Fine. Well, I will add,
erm, late-night shoe shopping
to the list of things
I have to do tonight.
Next.
That is an incredible woman.
Do you take Nectar points?
Lamb?
She's a Rottweiler in a jazzy jumper.
That's a power player.
I'd have her working for me.
Right.
Meg! We haven't met properly yet.
I'm sure everyone's
told you, but I'm Amanda.
Da-da!
Amanda!
- My stepdaughter's name is Amanda.
- How funny!
Well, I've got five girls,
so one of them was going to
end up being called Amanda!
We've actually got a friend in common.
Sal Lawson.
- Oh yeah, Sal! - Yeah. - You know Sal?
Yeah, very well, very well.
She's a dear, dear friend of mine.
I don't really like Sal.
I think she's a two-faced bitch, actually.
Yes.
Thank you.
I totally, no, I agree,
I hate that about her.
Right. I'd better run, but
we are getting coffee, OK?
- Yeah, definitely.
- Love it!
I mean, I'd only have to do it
for a couple of years, you know,
- just to get me into that pay bracket.
- Take it, then.
Yeah, I'm already struggling
with the workload that I've got.
- Don't take it, then.
- Yeah, I know,
but then I'm going to be in
just career no-man's-land.
Do you know why it's called no-man's-land?
Because no man is there. It's all women.
- All the men have been promoted.
- Take it, then.
I know, but it's an
extra six hours a week,
- just a shitload of responsibility.
- Don't take it, then.
How does SHE do it?
Take it, then.
Hang on, no.
Don't take it, then.
Which one are we on?
Meg!
Meg, Meg, come join! There's
a seat here. Budge up, Anne.
Oh, you're all right, Mandy,
I'm going to go and sit
- over there by the toilets.
- It's Amanda.
I can't have two Amandas in my life, love.
Well, I can't be Mandy,
I'm obviously not a Mandy.
What can I call you? Big Amanda?
Erm, no!
OK...
.. old Amanda.
Oh...
Double macchiato, yeah? Takeaway.
Have you got your keepy cuppy cup?
Yeah, it's right here in my...
'Course I haven't!
Hi!
All right?
What happens over there
in pony club, then?
Oh, it's basically a self-harm table.
You go there if you want to
feel worse about yourself.
Amanda's the Queen.
All the rest are like
her ladies-in-waiting.
Except for Anne, who's
basically Paul Burrell.
They all hate Anne, but
she knows too much now.
And you're on the table by the
bogs, because you're the freaks,
the outcasts, the cool kids?
Yeah. And Kevin.
Kevin?
Like it.
Right.
All of you are coming
over to mine, tonight.
- Invite your third musketeer.
- Yeah, all right.
You too, chatty chops!
Nah.
Got to go. The kids have got
football in half an hour.
Right, 7pm, don't be late,
don't bring anything.
And don't tell the Stepford Wives!
Cool!
Half a brownie, as long as you
promise to eat your dinner, OK?
Well, excuse me, Mr Weinstein.
Oh, God, I'm, I'm so...
Did I just, I'm so, I'm so sorry!
Double Ds, innit? Hard to miss.
Boop!
Come on, babies.
- We're just leaving, Kev.
- Come on, love! - Oh...
OK, er, never mind, I'll, er...
I'll just, er...
Everybody out!
'.. star of a brand-new
series, starting tomorrow,
and he'll be joining
us here in the studio,
along with the Boy Scouts
live from Kilimanjaro.
But first, let's go over to Tim...
- Yo! - You coming to
Meg's, then, or what?
No, I've got too much work to do.
- What work?
- Head work, Liz.
I need to make a decision
about this bloody job.
Come on, spoilsport. When do we
ever get a night out together?
- Jill's baby-sitting.
- I don't want to go to Meg's, OK?
What's your beef with her? She's great!
Yes, well she's not my type,
Liz! You know, she's all,
"I've got a great career, five
kids and I'm a right bloody laugh."
You know, something's not right, there.
Oh, come for one, it's
only across the road.
You know, you could have a nose about.
She might be a hoarder or a
Scientologist or something!
Fine, I'll get my Crocs.
That's the spirit!
Paul, I'm going out!
Kev!
Jules. Liz. I can't abbreviate your name.
Get in!
Hey!
Mwah!
- All right?
- How are you?
Mwah! Hey!
Liz, Liz!
- Liz.
- What?
Did you see what happened?
- What, no what happened?
- We kissed on the lips!
- Why did you kiss her on the lips?
- I didn't mean to!
She, she, she just came at me!
I, I wasn't expecting it.
It was, it was a timing thing,
we, we were out of sync
with our head moves.
Oh, my God!
What am I going to do?
- Call your wife!
- Call my wife?!
I'm joking, Kevin!
Should I apologise?
It's, it's a tricky time,
you know, culturally.
Post-hashtag.
First the boob and then this!
I don't want her to think I'm
some kind of sexual predator.
Oh, well, just...
.. kiss someone else on the lips, then,
like that's your thing,
like a Spanish man.
The next person you greet, male
or female, kiss them on the lips.
- Oh, hello!
- Hi!
Not her.
Drinks! Wine.
Mmm! THAT is a good one.
Alexa, order 12 bottles
of Sauvignon blanc.
White wine, ladies?
Thanks.
Kev, white or red?
Red, please.
Oh, bloody hell, Lydia!
Put some clothes on,
nobody wants to see that!
Oh no, it's fine.
No, not, not, not fine,
but I'm, I'm totally cool.
Yeah, it's, it's fine.
Are you going to just
sulk all evening, then?
All right? This old git
is my husband, Bill.
Bill, these are the three
pricks I was telling you about.
Hi, Bill.
I'm a hugger, not a kisser
I'm afraid, big man.
Don't mind me!
Erm, Jade just wants me to read
Lightning Thief to her again.
Oh, my God, I loved that
book when I was a kid.
Me too!
When I come back down, I
am going to mix everyone
a wicked little number,
called Ireland's Tears.
Bloody delicious, and lethal.
Lydia, put some trousers on.
Oh, bloody hell, Lyds,
did you just fart on me?
Alexa! Who just farted on me?
'The creature fell to the ground
with a thud and Zeus and...
- Are you going through
my drawers? - No!
I have, er, I've just
had a bit of a headache
and I thought... I was
just looking for a...
Yeah, I was going through your drawers.
Seriously, I do the same.
Canesten's mine, Anusol's Bill's.
You don't like me, do you?
I don't meet many people
who don't like me,
so I can spot it a mile off.
No, I don't...
I think "not like" is quite strong,
er, I just find you quite really annoying.
You know, it's just you
have this massive job
and more children than a frog
and you just never seem to be
fretting -- in fact, you
actively seem quite happy,
and, why, why is that?
I just do what I need to
do when I need to do it.
You can't overthink this shit.
Yeah, you see, that's why
I find you challenging.
It's a work thing, innit?
Something about me touches a nerve...
What is it? Your boss is a prick?
You don't feel like
you're being listened to?
- They're moving you to Leeds?
- No, it's not, it's not that.
But, erm, it's cool, really, I'm, I...
No, no, no lay it on me, I'm all ears.
Seriously, this is what I do.
I'm a trouble-shooter.
It's right up my strasse.
Of course it is.
OK, fine, riddle me this,
wise woman of the woods.
- I've been offered a promotion.
- Great!
- More money, more authority. - Not
as simple as that, actually. - OK.
- Feed me the info.
- Erm...
Well, erm, you know, it,
it, it's really great,
erm, career-wise,
and, erm, I survived a cull,
which is very flattering,
but just, it's a lot more
responsibility and hours, obviously,
and I've only just been able to do my job
and sort of provide entry-level
mothering, so, erm...
Just, I just don't think I can do it.
OK. Bollocks to that.
You can't turn it down.
Cos if you do, you'll get passed
over for promotion and some bloke
who's been there five years less
than you will probably get it,
- probably named Marcus.
- Yeah, I mean, he's called Martin, but, yeah.
I always ask myself,
"What would a bloke do?"
Would he even think about not taking it?
- No, he fucking wouldn't.
- I know.
Yeah, I know. I know!
I know, I know, I know!
I know, I know.
- I know.
- You got to take it, babes.
Lean in, love. Lean in.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think I...
.. I might!
Right!
Alexa! Order me an Uber.
- We're going out.
- Oh!
Oh! No...
I, I, I... I can't come out, I
mean, I'm not even wearing a bra.
So, what? Your tits are like
quails' eggs, just fold your arms
and put a jacket on.
Well, I should go and get my
purse and let my husband...
No. You'll never come back out
again, I know your type. Here.
Liz, Kevin! Get your coats on, chop chop!
Liz, don't you have to get
back for the children tonight?
- No, Lee's got them!
- See? No excuses.
Love it! Very Annie Hall!
Mama!
All right, let's go! Woo!
I did some work for Uber
when they launched over here.
They paid me in Ubers!
Oh, bollocks! I've got a 10:30
work call with Mexico tonight.
What on Earth do you
say to Mexico at 10:30?
Basically, they just want to know
that you're there, you breathe down
the phone to them, ask them
to stick it all in an e-mail.
Lemon squeezy!
You want some Stoli?
I did some consultancy work
for the Latvian government.
They paid me in Stolis! Yeah!
I once did a temp job for a garden
centre, they basically let us take
home any plant that was
definitely going to die.
I operate on gut feelings,
and I knew in my gut that you
were my people, all of you.
You're all good friends,
and that's vital, it's
vital you find your tribe.
The last place I lived? We all had
each other's backs, all the mums.
We were like a battalion. A pack!
We were all there for each
other -- no mum left behind.
Say it!
- No mum left behind!
- Julia?
- No mum left behind.
- Lovely. Liz?
- No... - Mum left
behind! That's right, Liz!
Cheers, sneers!
She's like a TED talk!
- Right... shots! - She's right,
you know, maybe I can do this.
You know, I just need to get
organised. Did you see her calendar?
She's got everything just
meticulously planned out.
I've got a calendar, so...
Oh, shit!
I missed my mum's birthday...
I'd like to propose a
toast to Julia's promotion.
Oh, no, no. I'm not
sure if I'm going to...
Fuck it!
To me!
- Right, I'm going back for the rest.
- The rest?!
- Right, I'm out of here.
- What? Why?
- School night, innit? - It's only
eight o'clock, we'll just have a little
dance and we'll be home by ten, Liz!
That's not how tonight's
going to play out.
That one has a fridge
full of Yops and Red Bulls.
It's a classic '90s come-down concoction.
She's got a 10:30 with Mexico, Liz.
No, I'm off. Got the flat to myself.
My tequila should kick in right
about the time I'm in the bath
- having a wank.
- OK.
- Bye, Liz!
- Bye...
Dammit!
Dammit?! What about me?
That's going to give me PTSD!
Argh!
The music here is shit,
let's go someplace else.
How does she do what she does,
and still be such a goer?
Red Bull and Yop!
Kevin, do you know what, it
might be the tequila talking,
but I'm going to ask her to be my mentor!
Woo...!
I think I'm going to go do a sick!
Oh, God!
Sorry, sorry, it was already out!
- Kenny, what's the time?
- Oh, erm... nearly 10:30!
What are you doing, Kevin?
Hola!
OK, si, muy bien.
Perfecto, Alejandro.
Jill is the only other person on
this planet who's seen my willy.
What about your mum?
How dare you?!
What if she tells Bill?
Or Jill?
I'm going to go talk to her.
Just make sure there no weirdness.
Hi, hi, Meg, listen...
- I just need to clear something up.
- Uh-huh? - I just want you to know
that I had no intention...
Mm...
OK, loose lips, time to go home!
No!
What have I done? I think
she's in love with me.
Yeah, no, I think you're
off the hook, Kev.
Oh, wow... OK.
Right, she's completely nuts, I
think we should just leave her.
But we can't!
No mum left behind!
Kev, please...
Fine, you get her, I'll call a cab, yeah?
Where is she?
Oh! Hey, hey!
Have you seen our friend, the
lady that we came in with?
Pft.. she's over there.
Oh, dear...
- Right... name?
- JR Hartley.
- Postcode?
- NE1...
.. 4... A... BJ.
Yeah, no, sorry. I'm so
sorry, officer, she's with us.
- Look, this woman just needs
to go home. - Absolutely.
- She was urinating in the street.
- Jesus!
Many apologies, she doesn't get out much.
Well, that's funny, cos we
booked her here on Saturday.
Oh, I think that's our
Uber! Er... DYC... DYC!
Hi, hi! Are you here for Julia?
- Yeah.
- Yes! Kevin, quick, get her in!
- We're going to Wimbourne
Street via Almond Road. - Sure.
Oh, my God, Kevin! Go and get her!
Kevin, go and get her!
Get down here right now!
Please...!
Get down!
Right, I'm going to count to three!
One, two...
.. two and a half... three.
Right, right, that's it!
I'm counting to five!
- One, two...
- Oi!
Kevin, can't we just leave her?
I really hate this, and I want to go.
Julia, no mum left behind!
I don't care, Kevin, I want to go home!
Well, what if she gets
killed or something?
I don't want blood on my hands!
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Call Liz!
Please! Ah...
- Beep!
- Oi, oi, oi...
Cheer up, love, might never happen!
I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but
until the woman who just flashed me
gets off, this bus ain't going anywhere.
Julia, Kev! There's a
party on the bus now!
Wait here for a minute, yeah?
- All right, where is she?
- I'm king of the world!
Oggy, oggy, oggy... oi!
Oggy, oggy, oggy...
Oi! Who's coming up to join me!
Oi, Meg!
I've got some tequila!
Ooh...
Tequila!
Agh, get me booze!
Shhh!
- Right, Meg, you're home now.
- I want booze!
Shhh, Meg!
Shut her in here, Kev, so
she doesn't wake the kids.
I want booze! I want booze!
I... oh... Wait a minute!
I want champagne!
Alexa!
Play my New Year's playlist!
Da-da-dum-dum!
Shit, shit! How do you turn...
Where... where's the thing?
Alexa, turn the music off!
- Right, I'm sorting this.
- I need to take my coat off.
Alexa, play some happy hardcore!
Alexa... don't!
Woo!
Alexa... the children are in bed!
She's a loon, she is a monster.
- She is a monster!
- I told you.
What are you making there?
George's Marvellous Medicine.
Berocca, with a splash of
various knockout juices.
- What, you're going to drug her?
- Yeah.
- OK, cool.
- Wait...
.. who's watching Meg?
It's really stuffy in here, Kev.
Please, Kev? Come on, Kev!
Just a little finger!
Kev, just a little finger of air!
OK, OK, just...
.. just a smidgen!
Fuck you!
- Stop her, Kev!
- I've got to be up in two hours!
- Oh, Kevin!
- Argh!
Lock the front door!
Come on, Meg!
- Right, then, I'm off home.
- OK.
< Taxi!
Oh, my God!
Look what the cat dragged to school!
- What happened to you lot last night?
- I don't want to talk about it.
Out with Meg. That is not
going to be a pretty sight.
- It lives!
- Top of the morning!
- What? - What a great
night last night, eh?
- We've got to do it again sometime.
Thursday? - No! Thank you.
No, thank you.
So, I'm really tired, you
must be hanging in rags?
No, I feel fine! Right, mwah.
- See you later, got to scoot.
- Wait, wait, wait!
Sorry, can I just ask you how
you... Sorry, what is all this?
You were mental last night,
you tried to hijack a bus,
you got off with Kevin.
Yeah, it was a fun night, all right.
- I mean, we had to look
after you, though. - Cheers!
- No mum left behind, I'd do
the same for you. - But...
But you almost got arrested, I
don't understand how you even...
Sorry. How you...
.. do what you do and then do that?
- I mean, you were pissing
in the street. - Look...
It's how I let off steam.
I love my kids, I love my job.
I love my life!
But, in order to survive, I've got
to blow it up every now and again.
It's like... when a
snake eats a rat, Julia.
It's not pleasant, it's not nice...
.. but we have to do it. For survival.
See you at pick-up.
At least have a hangover,
a glimmer of remorse?
Where's your secret sadness?!
So...
- .. what's the verdict, Julia?
- Yeah, it's definitely doable.
I mean, I'd have to
reorganise things quite a lot.
I'd definitely have to re-colour
code my calendar and...
That's great! Well, we
shall let Felicity know.
I'd have to have a bit of a
rethink about my whole character!
I think I'd have to become much
more sort of work hard, play hard.
Whereas, at the moment, I'm
very much sort of work hard...
.. watch Poldark hard.
Sorry, Julia, is that a yes?
I saw a woman fall off a bus
and then try to order
cocaine from Deliveroo.
Probably cos she once said
yes to an offer like this.
I actually think I'm just going
to stick with what I've got.
You can't just stick with
what you've got, Julia.
That's not what's on the table.
You'd better tell old Martin
to dust off the Listerine.
Are you sure this is what you want?
I've never been more sure of
anything in my life, actually.
Good luck, Martin.