Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 4, Episode 20 - Gotta Run: Part 2 - full transcript

Na-no, na-no.

- Mom. Mom.
- You're from Neptune?

My name is Kalnik,
but please call me Kal.

You live on Earth? Me
too. What do you do?

Well, I'm an observer,
and I enjoy folk dancing.

I'm an observer also.

- What a small galaxy.
- What a small galaxy.

Years ago, I never even
knew there were aliens,

- and here I am, sitting with two.
- I know what you mean.

I would like to
make a toast here.

A friendship that
spans the universe.



Oh. Mm-hm.

Are you satisfied
with the Orkan?

I can mold him
into whatever I want.

- What about the woman?
- She's of no use.

- She'll have to be eliminated.
- The child?

The son, Mearth, is
nothing but a useless mutant.

No one calls my son
a mutant. Take a hike.

What are you getting so upset
about? We have important business.

- We have nothing to discuss. Leave.
- You'll live to regret this, Orkan.

- You're so sweet.
- What is going on?

- Mind, you know I'd never cheat.
- Take your hands off... Ah!

- You're an android.
- And I'm also a bomb.

A bomb! Hide.

- Are you okay, Mork?
- Still think I'm paranoid, Mind?



Kalnik's after us.

Gotta go someplace
where he won't find us.

I have a feeling we're never
gonna see this place again.

Oh, boy, Arizona's
beautiful, isn't it, Mind?

Painted deserts,
purple mountains.

- It's gonna be a great place to die.
- All right.

Now, I didn't say anything
when you said you saw a cactus

- take down our license plate number.
- I did.

But enough is enough, Mork.

We've put a lot of distance
between us and Kalnik.

Mind, don't you underestimate
Kal. He's got a Porsche.

This is an emergency
situation. We need you. Okay?

So don't fall apart, like you do when
your potato chip has a little green on it.

Oh, I do hate that.
But you're right.

Gonna hang tough,
gotta be cool. You're right.

Agent 46 to Kalnik. We've
located the alien. Shall we take him?

No, keep him in sight,
but save him for me. Ha-ha!

Go.

There you go.

I don't believe you, Mommy.

You're asking an innocent
child to sleep here in this dirt?

Mearth, I've explained to you.

This is sort of a spur of
the moment camping trip,

and you're just gonna
have to bear with us. Okay?

Oh, that's all right for you to
say. You've got the air mattress.

We all agreed that the
coin toss was fair, all right?

- Night-night. Pleasant dreams.
- Night-night. Sure.

And I've got this Gila
monster for a pillow.

- Mind? Ha-ha-ha.
- Ah!

- Mork.
- Oh, look at that.

Georgia O'Keeffe's
hood ornament.

Talk about the
Scarsdale Diet. Whoa.

Oh, Mind.

- Very funny.
- Oh, come on now, Mind.

What are you upset about?
You got the air mattress.

And all I get is the
tumbleweed as a pillow.

Mork, we have a
dollar-56 left to our names.

Now, we've gotta stay out of
sight till we get a message to Dad

to bring us more money.

But to tide us over,

I think we're gonna have
to pawn our wedding rings.

Oh, Mind, no. I mean, that's a
symbol of our love and commitment.

I mean, couldn't you
just sell your hair?

Look what's happened to us.

Mork, the biggest thing we
had to worry about yesterday

was trying to find a decent plumber,
and now we're running for our lives.

- I'm scared.
- Oh, so am I. Come here, come here.

I should've known better than
to trust somebody from Neptune.

On Neptune, Pia Zadora
would've won the Oscar.

Oh...

It's so hard to stay
depressed around you.

Oh, Mind, I guess that's
why Ingmar Bergman

doesn't come over and
play tennis anymore.

Five-love.

Will you look at this place?

Looks like Sylvester
Stallone's library.

Who cares? It's a better place to
hide than Edna's Reptile Dinner Theater.

I loved it when that
iguana sang "Oklahoma."

I'm hungry. Where do you
suppose the coffee shop is?

The last thing I had to
eat was a Junior Mint,

and that was stuck
to the sole of my shoe.

Yeah, but you didn't share
it, you wretched little churl.

All right, let's not
start this again.

Mearth, what we're gonna do, we'll
check in and go to the coffee shop,

and then when Dad comes,
we'll be able to pay for it.

Come on, everybody,
let's go. Come on, let's go.

Come on. All right.
This is the last lap.

Enjoy it. Okay, this is
the last stretch. Oh, terrific.

Let's all give ourselves
a Hidden Hills hand

for the splendid job
we did on our run today.

And let's try to forget about
what happened to Angela.

Time for lunch, everybody.

Today's meal is a carrot
stick and a picture of a potato.

Let's go. Remember, you can
never be too rich or too thin. Ha-ha!

I have a feeling this
place is a fat farm.

Yeah, and what a bumper crop.

One, two, three, four,

soon you'll fit
through the door.

I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy

Okay, everybody,
let's shake it out now.

All right, everybody
in a semi-circle.

Come on.

Good. Okay.

Time now for sharing and caring.

Stella, would you like to begin?

- Do you gotta stand?
- Yes.

Okay, give me a minute.

Come on, Stella, you can do it.

Well, my name is Stella Benson,
and I have a weight problem.

But I feel good about myself,
because I've lost 17 pounds.

And now, when I
go on an airplane,

they'll allow the other
passengers to take luggage.

Thank you, Stella. Okay,
who wants to go next?

- Dinner!
- Dinner!

Mork, it's been three days of
starving. I can't take much more of this.

Yeah, it's almost like Mahatma
Ghandi opened up a burger stand.

- Mommy. Mommy. Daddy.
- Oh, what, Mearth?

There's a woman after me. She's
from Indiana, and she's a widow.

And she wants me to take over
her late husband's shoe factory.

A whole factory? Son,
you have my blessing.

Mearth, don't worry about it.
Just try to stay in large groups.

Around here that's
not hard to do.

Oh, my looks have
become a curse.

- Mork, Mindy, are you all right?
- Oh, Dad.

Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

We didn't want to drag you into all of
this, but there's no one else to turn to.

Well, honey, what's a father
for? I'm just glad you're not hurt.

Oh, Dad, I hate to be the clichéd
son-in-law, but where are our bucks?

- Oh, here.
- Oh, bless you.

Hey, hey, what's your hurry? I
haven't even seen my little grandson yet.

Look at this mondo dinero.

You must have gotten a great
settlement in your hair-transplant suit.

- Dad, we don't need all this money.
- Oh, that's all right.

I can afford to be generous.
After all, you'll never live to spend it.

Kalnik.

Oh... Oh!

Oh, Mind, we're not gonna
hit our target weight after all.

All right, now, what has four
legs and ten seconds to live?

Wait a minute, I
know this one. Uh...

It's... I think it's...
Sounds like...

Oh, would you
shut up, Ork breath?

Both of you, put your
fingers in your ears.

Go ahead. And stand on one foot.

Boy, do you look stupid.

Why do you want to kill us?

Because you're the only ones that can
throw a monkey wrench into my plans.

I have to kill all three of you and
then get back for my haircut by 4.

- Now, where's the little mutant?
- No, not Mearth. He's just a child.

Well...

No, I'm gonna kill him.

- You're insane.
- I'm just a product of your sick society.

When I came to Earth, all I wanted
to do was open a little restaurant.

I had trouble getting
a liquor license.

I decided it would be easier
to take over the planet instead.

Well, I'm glad you
shared this moment with us

because it probably makes you
feel better about blowing us away.

- Yes, it does.
- Oh, really?

Oh, Mork, Mork, if only you
had my vision of the future.

If only you had one tenth
of my power and brilliance

instead of the ambition
of a substitute teacher.

I infiltrated your government.

I took an ineffective arm of a
consumer protection agency

and turned them into
my own personal army.

I told them that you were the
aliens threatening the planet.

Catchy twist, isn't it?

Thank you. There was a draft.

All right, all right.

- Any last words?
- Oh, Mork.

Mind.

I'm so glad we had
this time together

Just to have a laugh
and sing a song

Seems we just got started
And before we know it

Comes the time We
have to say, "So long"

- Okay, hold it right there.
- Ah! Don't shoot me, Mindy.

Don't shoot me,
Mindy. Don't shoot me.

Get out of the
way, you dumbbell.

- Okay, you hold it right there.
- Oh, no, you wouldn't fire that gun.

Oh, yes, I would.

No, no, no.

I'll get this back
to you by Tuesday.

Kal, I'm warning you.

All you Earth women are
good for is standing in line

at the movies while your
husbands park the car.

- Stay back. I'm not kidding.
- You don't have the guts.

Yes, I do. I just don't
have the instructions.

Mind, Mind, I'm open. Here.

Mind, was that you
or the Memorex?

That was my mother's ray gun.

All right, you just bought
yourself another minute to live.

- But, oh, is it gonna hurt.
- Oh, yeah? What about this, huh?

Oh, your dinky, little finger is no
match for my telekinetic powers.

You did it now, Jack. That's it.

- Come on, come on, come on.
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Howard, boxing
has been good to me.

You didn't fight. Come on,
you gotta get mad, Mork.

You can think of
things you hate.

Yeah, yeah, post-nasal
drip and your perm.

Yeah. My perm? What
do you mean, my perm?

Oh, I'm teasing now.

Come on. Come on.

Bachelor number
one, are you employed?

Yeah.

Mind, look, little
birds everywhere.

Okay.

Okay, this has been fun,
gang, but it's death time.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, Mommy, Daddy, what's this?

The feeb.

Kalnik.

Oh, please, don't hurt them.

Who would ever adopt
a 200-pound orphan?

Mearth, quick, run for it.

Drat.

That's all right, son. Maybe you
and I could band together against him.

We'll be the best father and son
team since Raymond and Aaron Burr.

Go on, Mind. We can't hold
out for very long. Save yourself.

No, I'm not going
anywhere without you.

Oh, bless you, Mind.

The ultimate Caucasian.

I turned him into a statue.

Well, it's all over. We
might as well go home.

- I guess. MORK: I
guess you're right.

Son, we did it. Oh,
you little pooterette.

- Give your daddy five.
- Yeah.

So long, honky.

What did you mean when you
said you didn't like my perm?

Well, I do like your perm,
Mind. It's just too much.

It's wonderful. It's
the heat of battle.

Mind, come on, I never
said I hated your hair.

I just liked it when it
was, well, attractive.

Oh, great, so now
I'm not attractive?

I never said that. Did I, son? The
other day, didn't I casually remark

how attractive your mother was?

No, I believe you said that she
looks like Marty Allen in a wind tunnel.

Son, I worship Marty
Allen. He's a lovely comic.

You know, "Hello there."

- Mork?
- Mind?

I'm not gonna argue about this.

I'm too happy to be alive
to be as mad as I should be.

Off the record, Mommy,
I'm on your side.

Oh, those men!

Whoever they are, they're not gonna
be able to follow us over this terrain.

- Mork, we have to talk.
- All right.

- But not in front of M-E-A-R-T-H.
- Who is Me-arth?

Me, Mearth.

I'm just trying to figure out how
I can get that air mattress back.

Mork, nothing is gonna
stop Kalnik's men.

They think you're the alien who is
secretly out to take over the world,

and they're just gonna keep
hunting until they find you.

Well, there's only
one solution, I guess.

You and Mearth take
the jeep and go east,

and I'll go west and try
and keep them on my trail.

No, I'm not gonna do that.
I'm not gonna leave you.

Oh, bless you, hon.

Oh...

Well, let's see.

- Well, there's one other solution.
- What?

It's very dangerous though.

Mearth?

- Yes?
- Come here.

- This has to be a family decision.
- Oh, we're gonna have steak tonight?

Son.

You see,

there's only one choice,
but I think it's the only way.

I have to tell the whole
world that I'm an alien.

That way they know
I've got nothing to hide.

Mind, that's the only
way. I've gotta go public.

Mork, for as long
as I've known you,

this is the one thing I've
been the most scared of.

You have no idea how
people are gonna act,

or how they're gonna treat you.

I don't know.

Mind, come on now.

Oh, Mind, I've lived on
this planet for four years,

and most of the
people are very good.

I mean, if they can accept Diana
Ross as Dorothy, they can go for me.

We interrupt our regularly
scheduled programming

to bring you this live
report of national interest

from the Federal
Building in Los Angeles.

Ladies and gentlemen, the
Secretary General of the United States.

Good afternoon.

I have been asked to make
the following announcement.

Five days ago, the United
States government became aware

of the existence of an extra-terrestrial
being, living on this planet.

Since that time, his
origin has been verified

by our nation's leading
scientific and military experts,

who are present today.

He will speak to you now.

- Just like you rehearsed it.
- Oh.

Hello there.

I'm Mindy McConnell, and
I'm married to Mork here.

Oh, go Dodgers.

Um, Mork came to this planet four
years ago from a place called Ork.

Ork is a very nice planet. It's a
lot like Earth, as a matter of fact.

It has gravity and
oxygen and dog races.

And now I want to
introduce to you all

someone who's proved to
me that life on other planets

is not only peaceful but
compassionate and loving.

Mork.

Uh...

Good evening,
Mr. and Mrs. America,

and all couples who
are just living together.

- Just tell them about yourself.
- Okay, you're right.

Yes, I am an alien, and
cold pizza gives me gas.

Um, I know it's gonna be difficult
for many of you to accept me

because I'm different.

But, hey, I really
pose no threat to you.

Hey, I'm just like all of you except
I have three hearts and no liver.

And who likes liver anyway?

Uh, to be very blunt,

I'm throwing myself
at your mercy.

See, all we want to
do is live here in peace.

I... This world has given me
very, very wonderful things.

My wife, my son.

And now I think it's time for
me to give you something back.

You see, the universe,
it's a very, very big place.

But if you accept me today,

I think we take the first step
to make it a little bit smaller.

Uh, it's a great
opportunity. Let's not blow it.

I don't know what else
to say, except na-no.

Mork, your days are numbered.