Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 4, Episode 16 - Mork, Mindy, and Mearth Meet MILT - full transcript

Na-no, na-no.

Daddy, my packages are gone.

What a bummer.

We've gotta get the kinks
out of that lousy Orkan beam.

Oh, we've cross-beamed again.

This isn't the Jacuzzi.

You aren't Roxanne.

Give me my champagne.

Give me those glasses.

Wait. Just a second.

You perspire a lot, don't you?



I gotta get a little R & R.

Beam me up, Orson.

Wait a minute. You forgot to
tell me if they kill off Spock or not.

I wonder what he's
gonna do with Roxanne.

Anything he wants, son.

He's a captain.

Come on, let's go work
on your science project.

Okay. Boy, I'm sure glad I didn't
get stuck with this dinosaur diorama

- that Mommy made me.
- Oh, come on now, son. Mom tried.

I didn't have the heart to tell her on
Ork dinosaurs run the garment district.

Oh, look at what
you've got though, son.

Boy, wait till your Orkan
classmates get a load of this.

Oh, it's so good,
they're gonna hate you.

Listen, don't put my Orkan
classmates down, Daddy.



I tell you, there's one out
there that's colonizing a planet.

Oh, ha, ha. That's
amateur night in the Bijou.

Oh, but look, this home computer
will not only answer the phone,

balance your checkbook, but also tell
you why boneless chickens can walk.

- Daddy, Daddy.
- You really pulled this one off.

Daddy, please, just
for a moment, huh?

I believe this is my project.

- Do you wanna win?
- Sure.

Just... Daddy, Daddy,
just one other thing.

Don't put those
two wires together.

Son. Son, you're talking to a
man who splits atoms for a hobby.

Here we go, son. Watch. This
is a great moment in science.

Daddy.

- Are you all right?
- Sure.

Well, finish this before noon
because it's not my project. Good luck.

Good evening, Mindy.

Hope you had a pleasant day.

- Who did that?
- I did.

Care for a martini?

Oh, uh...

Who are you?
You're... What are you?

I am Mearth's science project.

A Modular Integrated
Laser Transformer.

My friends, if I had
any, would call me MILT.

Care for some toast?

Oh, no.

Thank you, MILT.

By the way, Mindy, let me be the
first computer to congratulate you

on your broadcasting
award nomination.

Thank you. Mork.

Mind, what do you think

of our little Mearth's science
project here, huh? Heh.

I always said he had my
brains and your love of shellfish.

Well, it sure looks impressive.

What does it do?

Mind, not only is MILT a
notary public and a tax expert,

but it's a 24-hour security system
and a promising amateur photographer.

Say "cheese."

- Look at this.
- Oh.

He even airbrushed out the
crow's feet around my eyes.

Sure beats the heck
out of my diorama.

Even though the
pterodactyl flew in it.

Your rump roast is now defrosted

and the oven has
been preheated to 325.

Our vegetable for this
evening is lima beans.

I hate lima beans.

Everybody does.

However, Mindy, I did
perform a metabolic scan

that shows you are a
little low in potassium.

Potassium.

Mearth, now, go wash
your hands before dinner.

I should wash my face too.

Yes. And don't
forget behind the ears.

Thank you for
reminding me, MILT.

"Thank you for reminding me"?

For me to get him to do
that, I need a whip and a chair.

You know, MILT,

I think this is gonna be the
beginning of a beautiful friendship.

You know something,
Mind? I have this strange urge

to put on an ugly scarf,
go to a supermarket

and squeeze grapes
going, "Is Luke still married?"

Why do you have on my curlers?

Well, I've never been to a
television awards banquet.

I thought it was
some kind of tradition,

like when you pray before
you go into a coal mine.

What?

- Wait. Take it...
- Yeah.

- Bad idea, bad idea.
- All right, all right.

Here, can you help me?
My hands are shaking.

I can't seem to get it.

Okay, that's all right.

All right, here we go.

Mork.

- Mork.
- Oh, well, don't be nervous.

Come on, let me hear
your acceptance speech.

There we are. Come
on. There you go.

Mork, I don't have an
acceptance speech.

I'm probably not gonna win.

You think?

Oh, sure you will, hon.

Remember, when you do win,
mention me and Mearth by name,

none of this "they
know who they are" stuff.

- Okay.
- All right.

Yeah, but what if I don't win?

Well, keep your
speech real short.

And you'll still be my
little pooter, precious.

Okay.

Where's my other
shoe? Have you seen it?

I'll help you find it.

Mindy, I believe your
shoe is under the bed.

- Oh. Thank you, MILT.
- You're welcome.

MILT, what are
you doing in here?

I have expanded.

I am now servicing the
bedroom and bathroom,

and I'm going through your
mail to eliminate any letters

that start "Dear
concerned piano owner."

MILT, if anything is
addressed to alien, it's mine.

- Of course. Oh, and, Mindy?
- Yes, MILT?

You're wearing too
much eye shadow.

I think I know how to put on
my own makeup, thank you.

That's debatable.

I think MILT is getting a
little too big for his oscillator.

Come on now, Mind, I mean,
heh, he hasn't been wrong yet,

and besides,
Mind, I think it's true.

I mean, we're talking
raccoon city here.

I mean, it's all right, but,
you know, early Liza Minnelli.

It's fine.

I'm so tired of doing homework.

Mearth, we achieve success in
academia the old-fashioned way.

We earn it.

Come on, Mearth,
Grandpa is waiting.

I prefer he stay and
do his homework.

MILT, you don't understand.

Grandpa is babysitting. They're
gonna watch the show together.

- Come on, sweetie.
- I don't want to go to see the show.

I wanna see King Hussein
on The Muppet Show.

- You're gonna go to Grandpa's...
- I'm not going.

- Mearth...
- "Mearth..."

You're gonna watch the awards
show with Grandpa. Don't echo. Stop it.

- Here you go.
- You're not going anywhere.

MILT, what do you
think you're doing?

I was created and programmed
to provide for your needs,

yet you continue to
ignore my directives.

Mearth should be
doing his homework,

you should take off
half that eye shadow,

and as for you, Mork, even
I don't know where to begin.

No one tells my
family what it can do.

Unless he can back
it up with 20,000 volts.

Glad you see it my way.

Anyone care for a Pop-Tart?

MILT, come on now,
you can't hold us hostage.

I mean, this is a
big night for Mindy.

She waxed both legs.

MILT, we have to
go to the awards.

Dad is babysitting
Mearth. He's expecting us.

I've taken care of that.

Hello? MINDY'S VOICE: Hi, Dad.

Dad, Mearth won't
be coming over tonight.

We're taking him to
the awards with us.

Oh, that's wonderful.
I'll be rooting for you.

- Bye, honey. MINDY'S
VOICE: Bye-bye.

I can't believe that
MILT imitated my voice.

I can't believe you
lied to your own father.

MILT, I want you to
let us out of here now!

You really shouldn't yell.

You'll develop a node
on your vocal cords.

Relax.

You're not going anywhere.

From now on, this
house is your world.

I guess we're gonna
be here for a long time.

Hope there's some
9000-day deodorant pads.

Mork, we can't
stay here forever.

Of course you can.

I'll phone for the groceries,

pay the bills through
your bank computer,

and every Saturday,
we'll have a sock hop.

Number, please.

Daddy. Daddy, I think it's time.

He's gone far enough.

Are you ready? It's
time for the finger.

What happened?

Well, the scientific
technical explanation

is, Mind, he kicked our tush.

Oh, come on, MILT-y.

I mean, let us go.

It's my first nomination.

Look, I promise if you let us
go, we'll come straight home.

We won't even stop for pizza.

How sincere.

Unfortunately, your increased
heart rate belies your true intention.

Get off.

Maybe I was just thinking
about winning the award.

I interfaced with the
balloting computer.

You lost by a landslide.

- I lost.
- Oh, sorry, pooter.

Frankly, I was surprised
you were even nominated.

All right, that's it.

You can lock us in here
and keep us prisoner,

but when you deny me
the right to go to the awards

and sit there and lose with
this phony smile on my face,

that's it.

You're nothing but
a glorified toaster.

She didn't mean it. See, that's
a term of endearment. Heh.

She calls me her
little waffle iron.

Relax, Mindy, or as
the kids say, "Kick back."

You know something, MILT?

You're absolutely right.

As a matter of fact, I think
we should all go take a shower.

Yeah...

Yeah. That's right, MILT.

Family shower? I didn't think
people did that in the Midwest, Mind.

This is the only room in the house
where we can take our shower.

Okay, everyone, let's
all take our shower

just like we do every week.

What's going on here?

- Are we pledging a fraternity?
- Come on now, son,

this is how everyone used to
shower after they saw Psycho.

Mama, he's gotta be kidding.

Are we all taking
a shower together?

Of course we are.

Okay.

Wait a minute. Wait a
minute, wait a minute.

MILT, can you hear us?

MILT, I have a question.

Great, he can't hear us
with the water running.

Okay, Mork, we've gotta figure
out a way to deactivate him.

Gotta work fast too,

or we'll run out of hot water and
won't be able to wash our hair.

I don't wanna wash my hair.

I get soap in my eyes.

Nobody's gonna wash their hair.

Mork, we've gotta figure out
how to pull the plug on MILT.

- Snuff MILT?
- Snuff MILT?

Shh!

Aren't you being a little rash?

Couldn't we just force
him to do an anti-drug film?

What's the matter with you?

Oh, come on, I'm cold. Can I
have the middle now, please?

Thank you.

Mork, he's...

It's holding us captive here.

This is ridiculous.

We've gotta figure out
how to pull the plug on him.

Oh, Mind, well, don't look at
me. I mean, I just build them.

There's a union that bumps
them off. Can you pass the soap?

- We're out of it.
- Oh.

You've seen Harry Houdini,
you've seen Harry Blackstone,

but you've never seen anything
like the Magnificent Mearth.

Rex Reed said "intrinsic,"
Clive Barnes said "why?"

Assisting him is the wonderful
shiksa goddess, Mindola.

And now the Magnificent
Mearth will make a man disappear

before your very eye.

Sure.

Okay, could I have a volunteer
from the audience, please?

How about you, sir?

Oh, no, thank you. I just
came here to see Mort Sahl.

Shame on you.

Oh, yes.

Will you step in
there please, Daddy?

Incidentally, before
I put Daddy in here,

there you'll notice are
just some old dirty clothes

and a rather attractive space suit,
and we have Bonzo and two other actors.

Okay. Now, Daddy, if you
will get into the armoire.

- Step in, please.
- Guess this should be one way

of getting out of my
Columbia record contract.

- There we go.
- Thank you.

I'm going to, at this very time,
say something very difficult

that I've learned from
Thurston and the late Houdini,

who fell 600 feet into...

Off the Brooklyn Bridge
into very cold water.

These are the magical words:

Oh, my gosh, it worked.

Well, that's
magnificent, Mearth.

Yes, I'd be impressed if I were
some cheap pocket calculator.

Well, next, Magnificent
Mearth will prove to you

that the hand is quicker
than the electronic eye.

How true. How true.

It's time for... What do we see?

Yes.

Hankies, look at these.

Look at all those hankies.

Where did you get them?

I got these from
all over my body.

That's it. That's the show,
MILT, because it's good night.

Ha, ha! We're free.

We're free just like those little
bottles of shampoo we get in the mail.

If we hurry, maybe we
can get dressed real quick

and I can get the guy at the
autograph... Get the guy...

Where do you think you're going?

MILT.

What a coincidence.

The charade is over, people.

Naturally, I anticipated
an escape attempt,

so I switched over
to nuclear power.

Of course, come
summer, I shall go solar.

MILT, can we talk as
two rational beings?

It was her idea, I tell you.

She made me do it.

Oh, please, don't hurt me.

I wanna have more children.

Stop groveling, man.

Relax. I would never
cause any of you harm,

unless you try something
stupid like that again.

Well, if you think we're just
gonna stand around here

while you control our lives,
you've got a screw loose, buster.

You're nothing but a
mechanical dictator,

and we'll never stop
fighting you, and we will win.

Who's she, Vince
Lombardi's daughter?

You'll adapt in time.

After all, you have the
rest of your natural lives.

The rest of our lives.

Oh, my gosh.

I can't believe it.

Not to have... Not to
have ever seen the beach.

Not to have ever
seen Disneyland.

Not to have ever,
ever seen my toes.

Carry me home

Come on now. Come
on, we've gotta cheer up.

I mean, we've
still got each other.

We've got our health and
we've got our sense of humor.

I mean, son, I mean, we can go
out laughing. You know what I mean?

- I mean, hey, tell them that joke.
- Sure.

That Orkan joke
you learned at school.

Ha-ha-ha. Okay. Okay.

Knock, knock.

- Who's there?
- Dwayne.

Dwayne who?

Dwayne the
bathtub, I'm drowning.

"I'm drowning."

I never heard that one.

Mind. Mind, I think we've
found MILT's Achilles' heel.

I never programmed him to laugh.

He's got a flaw.

- You've got a million of them.
- Okay.

Seriously, it's so nice to
be back here once again.

Hey, what do you call a bunch
of rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

How many Venutians does it
take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They don't have arms.

No more. No more. You're
killing me. I'm overloading.

I got one. I got one. How
about a Venutian parachute?

- What happens to it?
- It opens on impact.

Ha-ha-ha! Stop it. I'm
gonna wet my circuits.

Keep going, keep going.

This guy walks into a
psychiatrist's office and says:

"Doc, I have this
inferiority complex."

The psychiatrist says,
"Well, get under the couch."

I got one, Daddy. Okay.

What's green and red and
goes 200 miles an hour?

- I don't know. What?
- A frog in a blender.

- I got one. I got one.
- Birdy, birdy, birdy.

It's my turn. Okay.

What do you get when you
cross a parrot and a gorilla?

Okay? You ready?

You get a gorilla with feathers.

No, no, no. Polly
Kong. Polly Kong.

Oh, it was such a good joke.

I don't know. Whatever it is, if he
still wants a cracker, you'd better get it.

Okay. Oh, thank you, Mind.
We'll get back to you on that one.

You know, it's so
nice to be back here.

You know, my neighborhood was
so tough, guys used to bowl overhand.

Another friend of mine got
arrested, they said you have one call.

He did a perfect blue jay. Okay?

Ha, ha! Stop it. Stop it.
You're killing me. Ha-ha-ha!

Well, now, you
know, the girls in my...

Girls in my neighborhood
were no great shakes,

if you know what I'm saying.
They were two-baggers.

That means you had to have one
bag over your head in case hers broke.

Ha-ha-ha! No more.
I'm overloading.

I can finish him off now. Okay.

The kid invites his friend over for lunch,
the kid says, "I don't like your mother."

Then he says, "That's
okay, just eat the vegetables."

Finally, I'm gonna
finish him off now.

This blind guy walks into a department
store, he's got his dog on a leash,

takes him to the clothing
department, starts swinging him around.

Puts him down. This
guy walks over, says:

"Can I help you?" He says, "No,
thanks, I'm just looking around."

Mork, is he...? Is he...?

Yes. Yes, Mind, MILT's dead.

Because he had a
lousy sense of humor.

Thank God it's all over.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come
in, Your Funky Chunkyship.

- Make it quick, Mork.
- Sir.

I'm expected at the intergalactic
Conference and Cake Walk.

Oh, sir. This week, sir, I
learned about the relationship

between man and machine.

You see, sir, the computer age has
allowed man so much more spare time

to pursue the finer points
of life, a greater education,

spiritual enlightenment,
and the perfect tan.

It sounds like
your wife's people

are becoming a highly
practical and efficient race.

Well, they are, sir, but they're
becoming a little dependent

on their technology.

Aren't Earthlings cute
at that stage of evolution?

Oh, sir, wouldn't
it be sad, though,

if tomorrow's children spend so
much time playing video football

they'd never know the real joy of
being tackled by a line-backer going:

"You're gonna bite it now"?

But, sir, what really worries me is
that they're gonna lose the desire

and the ingenuity that allowed them
to build the machines in the first place.

Just a little something
to think about, sir.

Until next week, na-no, na-no.