Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 4 - Dueling Skates - full transcript

Na-no, na-no!

Thanks for driving
me to work, Mind.

Oh hello, Mork.

Mindy. Hi.

I'm glad you're
here early, Mork.

I have bad news.

Mr. Paul Simpson...

The man we lease
this daycare center from

also owns the roller-disco place

across the street.

Our lease is up at
the end of the month,



and Mr. Simpson
isn't going to renew it.

He's going to tear
down the daycare center

and make it a parking
lot for the skating rink.

Oh, no. He can't do that.

What'll happen to the munchkins?

They can't play
hopscotch in the fast lane.

God only knows.

Mr. Simpson called,
and he's going to

come over here this
morning and explain things.

If he appears, I'll
be back in a second.

But...

Oh, Mork.

We've gotta put
our heads together.

Those little kids are gonna
be thrown out in the street.



I'll Give Mr. Simpson
a piece of my mind

or at least a hunk of my
frontal lobe, there Mind.

I mean, eviction of munchkins?

Well, that's... That's rude.

I mean, we can't
be mean to kids.

Wha... This isn't a Joan
Crawford daycare centre.

It's... Ooh... Ooh...

If it's the Paul Simpson,

he's really a powerful man.

I mean, he owns half of Boulder.

Well, we'll just have to
tell Mr. The Paul Simpson

that's he's dealing
with Mork the defender.

Ooh. He's making
my jaws tight, Mind.

If I ever see him, I'm
gonna give him what for.

Then again, what
five. Excuse me.

Give him what six.
What six-and-a-half.

I'm Paul Simpson.

Oh, what for.

Oh, please!

Don't throw the
little Yodas out,

Massa Simpson!

Please, don't you understand?

I mean, you can't tear
down the orphanage.

Then Little Orphan
Annie and Oliver Twist

will be thrown out in the
cold, picked up by Fagan,

and forced to lie,
cheat, and steal.

Then he'll take
them to Hollywood

and work in B movies.

Mork... lighten up.

Ooh. And it's not an orphanage.

It's a daycare center.

Who ever heard of Little
Daycare Center Annie?

Excuse me,
Mr. Simpson, um, but if...

If you tear down
the day-care center,

what'll the kids do when
their parents go to work?

Oh, I don't wanna see
this place torn down.

But I'm not doing it. My son is.

You mean you don't
own the roller disco?

Well, technically I do.

But I bought the place
and gave it to my son.

Can't you tell him not
to tear this place down?

Oh, I have to let
him do it his way.

He's always
been... irresponsible.

A troublemaker.

The only thing he
can do well is skate.

So I bought that rink
and gave it to him,

hoping it would...
straighten him up.

It seems to be working,
so I'm not going to interfere.

Um...

I can understand your
concern for your son,

but what about
all those little kids?

Well, I'm going to wait
here for Mrs. Fallow.

Why don't you go down
and talk to my son, Wheels?

Wheels? Is... Is
that a family name?

His real name is Carol.

Some reason he prefers
to be called Wheels.

Oh, that guy is really good.

Maybe.

Haven't been skating
in such a long time.

I hope I don't fall
down and hurt myself.

Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.
What's the big deal here?

We're not flying to the moon.

Just talking a little skating.

A little gravity,
a little friction.

Oh, yeah? Well, it's
not that easy, Mork.

Have you ever done it?

Mindy, how hard can it be?

I mean, you've got four
wheels on each foot.

Ever seen an 8-wheeler tip over?

A Peterbilt go pfft? No way.

Come on home, Mama.
Take anything you need.

Ah, see.

Ta-da. No big deal.

Oh, no big deal. You're
walking on the carpet.

Oh, Mindy. I mean, we
Orkans are born balancers.

I mean, we can waltz on water.

We can tap-dance
on tapioca. See this?

Watch out there.

We can also polka
on the head of a pin.

You know, we... We... We...

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Mork, you all right?

Mind?

Can you please help me up?

Oh, Mork, you shouldn't
balance on your nose.

I just don't understand how
those 8-wheelers stay upright.

Oh... Good, here comes Wheels.

Why don't we catch
him while he's alone?

It's all right, Mindy.
I'm okay. I'm all right.

Y-You go on. I-I just have a
little cramp in my shoelace.

I'll be okay. I'm
a superior being.

Okay.

Come back, Mind.

Oh... Mind... Mind... Mi...

Ah!

My name is Mindy McConnell,

and I have a friend
who'd like to talk to you.

Where is your friend?
He can talk to me

while I'm scraping up the gum.

He's over here...

or somewhere.

Where could he be?

Would you get to the
point? Wheels is busy.

Here, you gotta sign there.

All right, but I'm not
gonna sign it "Carol."

I'm signing it, "Wheels."

I shouldn't be

the one that talks
to you about this

because, uh, Mork is the
one who has the bone to pick.

Mork, come here.

Uh, you must be Wheels.

And you must be toes.

Har-har. Oh, you kid.

Oh, actually, I'm Mork
from the daycare center.

You go to daycare center?

Shoot, I was in
jail at your age.

He works there.

Uh, I suppose you
know the reasons

why you shouldn't tear it down.

Nope. Nope.

There's a negative echo
in here, is there, Mindy?

What... What about the children?

Oh, well, we'll try to
get most of 'em out

before we flatten the place.

Wait a minute here,

what kind of a
human being are you?

What kind of a...
Why... What kind... Why?

You big turkey! He doesn't even

know how to skate!

Now look, chicky-poo,

if you don't like the
way I do business,

you can get your perky,
little pigtails out of here.

Whoa!

Mind. Mind.

Mind. Uh-oh. Oh-oh.

Whoa!

A-Are you sure I
can't change your mind

about that daycare center?

You've got as
much chance of that

as you do of out skating me.

W-Whoa...

Whoa...

Mork, I'm gonna fall.

I accept the bet.

What bet?

Will you let go of me?!

Oh. Now, what bet?

Oh! Ah!

Mind. Mind.

Well, you said...

that if I beat you in skating,

you'd change your mind.

Well, I accept your challenge.

Mm-hmm. Yep. Mm-hmm.

I didn't say that.

Oh, are we discoing to a
different beat now, Mr. Thing?

Yeah?

Hm?

You hear that, everybody?

Wheels the professional
says that he doesn't wanna

race Mork, the beginner. Huh?

Whoa.

Mind, he's quaking
in his skates right now,

isn't he?

Hey, Wheels.
They're laughin' at you.

Don't be silly. I'm
not afraid of him.

Okay, I'll race him.

Ha!

You hear that, everybody?!

He accepted my challenge, Mind.

Well, you can't beat him.

Oh, shh. Mind.

Now, I am a
superior alien being.

Remember that.

Remember that.

Okay, then let's
get this straight.

If Mork wins then the
daycare center stays.

And if you win, it
becomes a parking lot.

Hey, what difference is it
gonna make anyway, huh?

How many laps
around the rink, clown?

Clown?

No home-rink advantage for you.

Mm-mm. No way.

Here comes the
superior part, Mind.

Watch this.

This is the only
rink in Boulder.

Where ya suppose to skate?

We're gonna skate...
in the Rockies.

Shh.

The Rocky Mountains?

That's the superior part?

We're gonna start
up at Eagle Point...

skate down, through
Boulder Mountain Park...

end up at the mall.

That's 10 miles and steep.
And there might be snow.

Ooh, a little
bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk, hm?

Are we writing a little
check with our mouth,

that our feet can't
cash maybe? Hm?

You don't know.

Are you in, big guy, or not?

I guess I'm in.

Saturday. High noon.

Be there or be square.

Mind, he bought the
oldest trick in the book.

It's in the solar-system
guide book.

Yeah?

What this one:

You're a rink skater. But
up there on the mountain,

where there's no strobe
light, no disco beat

and no spandex...

we're equal.

Well, I gotta admire a guy
that can put one over on me.

Wheels, why don't
you let the smart guy

read your belt buckle?

Sure, I enjoy a
little light reading.

"Colorado State Rink,
Street Cross-Country...

Skate Champion."

Pretty.

You know, Mindy,

Mork simply doesn't have
a chance to win that race.

Oh, I agree.

He got up before
dawn to start training.

That was six hours ago.

Mm. He seems to have
a will, but there's no way.

I think I hear Rocky now.

Oh...

are you all right? Ow! Ah!

Oh. Ah...

Oh, Mork, what's wrong?

Oh. Mind...

y-you see this finger?

Yeah.

That's the only part of
my body that doesn't hurt.

And that's because I
think it's a clean break.

Let me help you.

Oh... Hello, Fred.

Mork, you look terrible.

Oh, I was all right, Fred,
until I skinned my eyes.

Ahh...!

You'll never guess
who I ran into, Mindy.

Who?

Well, you beat me. But no fair.

You took a shortcut
through the rose hedge.

Oh, uh, Dad, this is
Glenda Faye Comstock.

We went to high school together.

Yes, yes.

I've always liked
you, Mr. McConnell.

How... Yes.

Uh, where'd you run
into Glenda Faye?

Well... He ran into me here,

then here, and a little later,

right down here.

Mindy, do you mind if
I use your bathroom?

I'd like to powder my bruises.

Oh, sure.

Excuse me.

Well, I really
admire your spirit.

Six hours of training.

Where did you go?

Well, Mind, you
wouldn't believe this,

but I went all the
way around the block.

How many times?

Times?

Mork, you can't learn to skate
like a professional in a week.

Oh, Fred, I've gotta.

I've gotta do it for the kids.

And... besides, I can't lose.

Mm-mm. No way.

Why can't you lose?

Well, because this is
the land of the home.

Free of the brave.

'Cause the good guys
always win, and that's me.

Uh, who says the
good guys always win?

Oh, Fred. Movies, television.

I mean, look at that. I
mean, it's the American way.

I mean, when's the last
time you saw Genghis Khan

ride off into the sunset?

All right, you little Mongols,

head your little ponies up.

Or when's the last time
you saw Peter Lorre

ride off into the sunset?

Happy trails To you ♪

♪ Until We meet again ♪

You're very pretty.

You see, it's determination.

Determination. It's a little...

The little skater who
thought he could.

Ah-ah, I think I
can. I think I can.

Can. Yes, I can,
can. Yes I ca...

Ah...

See? Determination, Fred.

And that's what
I've got lots of.

My middle name is "Mr. D."

Good afternoon,
fellow Boulderites.

I'll be receiving reports

throughout the
course of the race

by spotters using
walkie-talkies.

And I see by the old
watch on the wrist...

that the race is about to start.

Yes, our two
daredevils should be

getting ready to start
the race right about now,

up at the top of Eagles Peak.

Now, you know your route.
- Right.

You go down Oak
Street, you turn onto Pearl,

and then you go
right into Boulder mall.

Boulder mall. Well, too
bad they don't make those

in loafers, huh, Mind?

Look at that helmet.

He looks like Amelia Earhart.

Hey, he's nothing.

Watch out for the
potholes. Potholes, yeah.

And the ice. It's
slippery. Yeah, yeah tha...

Ah!

Like that. Oh, like that.

And keep your vest buttoned.

You don't want to
catch a cold. Oh. Oh.

Thanks, Mother Mind.

Hello, Wheels.

Hello, sleazy second.
Say hi to the warden.

I got everything
we need in the van.

And I put them tires
where you told me to.

Good. I know I
can beat this turkey,

but I don't wanna
take any chances.

Come on. Let's go.

Okay, boys. Let's
get this over with.

Oh, good luck, Mork.

You can do it, I hope.

Sure I can, Mind.
I've trained for a week.

On your mark... Oh.

Get set...

Oh. I forgot to
wish him good luck.

May the best...
Excuse me, I think...

go. Well...

Think you better shoot again.

He's a little far away. I
don't think he heard it.

What kinda start was that?

A nice, clean start.

Mm, get going! Oh.

Mork, go! Oh, oh, oh.

Go! Come on! Go!

I'm going, Mind.
I'm going. Hurry!

I can do it.

'Cause the good guys always win.

Now, all it takes is a
little total concentration.

Now, I can't let
anything distract me.

Orson calling Mork.
Come in, Mork.

Not now, Orson. I'm busy!

Gotta get an unlisted head.

I wonder who left those
tires in the middle of...

Oh, no! Someone could...

Where did you come from?

Oh, little spot
called death's door.

I'd like to talk about
the start of that race.

You see, where I come from,

it's usually ready,
set, bang, skate,

not ready, set, skate, bang.

I know it's a very
subtle difference, but...

Where'd you come from?

How did you get
beside those tires?

What tires?

What tires ar... Hmm.

I'm rapidly mounting
suspicions here.

I know there's something
wrong, but I can't pinpoint it.

Look who caught
up to Mr. Champion.

I'm glad. It makes this easier.

Ah, ah. Ahh.

Ooh, hope I land
on something sof...

Ah!

I heard pine was a soft wood.

Oh,

Mork!

Here, let me help
you. Take my arm.

It's painful. I know.

Get a grip. Thank you.

Are you okay? Oh...

Mind, I thought the
good guys always win.

Not when the bad guys cheat.

Yeah, but I don't
wanna cheat, Mind.

I don't wanna do anything rash.

Well, be rash. How are
you gonna catch him?

Well, it's a drastic
measure, but I could always

induce translinear
phaser molecular motion.

Could you translate that
into earthling, please?

Well, basically it's
a time warp, Mind.

But I can't do it for very long,

and I don't know if I have
enough time to catch him anyway.

Mork, at this point you
gotta try anything you can.

Look who's telling me to cheat.

I'm not telling you to cheat.

He's the one that's cheating.

And anyway, you're
doing it for the kids.

Yeah, the little munchkins.
You're right, Mind.

I'll see you at the finish line,
if I don't burn up on re-entry.

Oh... Big kiss.

All right.

Good luck.

Thank you, I... Well,
I can't catch him

on the road. Have
to take a shortcut.

Au revoir.

Wait a minute,
you're gonna skate

down there, through the grass?

He's skating through the grass.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I just got word from
one of our spotters

that Wheels Simpson is in town

and headed toward
the finish line.

Mork is... nowhere in sight.

Well, it looks like
Wheels is an easy winner,

ladies and gentlemen.

Wheels is coming down the...

Wait a minute,
ladies and gentlemen.

Our spotter says
that Mork is in town,

and skating towards the mall.

Why are you slowing down?

Use your time warp.

I'm all warped out, Mind.

I don't get it. The
bad guys are winning.

The good guys are
here, sucking air.

Oh, you can do it.
What about all that talk

about determination and drive?

You're right, Mind. I
can't let a little thing

like physical
exhaustion stop me.

Right. Go. I got drive.

You wanna see drive? Yeah!

Next stop: the
winner's circle. Good.

Here I go, Mind.

Here I go! Mork.

Oh, I know. I know.

Oh, they're neck and
neck, ladies and gentlemen.

What a race. Wait a minute.

What's that guy doing?

Let him by, you yutz-o!

Holy smoke, did you see that?!

Mork! Mork!

You can do it, Mork.

Yeah, you're right.

This one's for you, munchkin.

All right. Is your
last name Gipper?

Are you all right?!

Okay, he's all right,
ladies and gentlemen.

Mork, Mork! Mind! Mind!

Mind. Oh, oh. I
can't believe it.

- You won. You won!
- Oh, oh.

The kids are so excited.

Oh, shucks and wazoo, Mind.

Way to go, Mork.

What you did took
a lot of courage...

Oh. And stupidity.

Oh, thank you. We're all

very proud of you, Mork.

Swell. This is
really exciting, Mind.

I beat the best, didn't
I? Yeah, you did.

I guess that makes me
top skate, now doesn't it?

People skating
all over the country

going "Yo! Yo!"

Ah, maybe I should open up
my own roller-disco rink. Maybe?

So I could teach John Q. Public

how to really skate right.

I've learned some
basic moves, Mind.

Besides... Ah.

Watch yourself!

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, your equatorship.

I'm here, Mork. What's
your report this week?

Well, sir, this week
I raced a human

on roller skates, and won.

What did you win?

Oh, the race, sir.

The real winners
were the children

who got to keep
their daycare center.

Do earthlings always
race on skates?

Oh, No, sir. There are
different kinds of races.

There's dog races,
horse races, auto races...

It sounds like racing is
very popular there, Mork.

Well, sir, it is.

The most wonderful race of
all could be the human race...

if they'd only realize that
they're all on the same team.

All they need is some
kind of international referee.

You know, s...

Oh, bing.

You know, sir...

I think I look awfully good

in black-and-white
stripes, don't you?

Try and follow me on this one.

Brezhnev. Fifteen
miles, illegal invasion!

Castro, you're out of the
game! Smoking in the huddle!

Amin, you'd be
out of the game too,

if we could find you!

Whoa! There you
are, little sucker.

Until next week, sir...

na-no, na-no.