Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 17 - Mork and Mindy Meet Rick and Ruby - full transcript

Okay, let's see.

"Well, Grandma,
that about wraps things up here.

Mork is fine."
I should say Mork is Mork.

You never know
what he's gonna do next.

- It's terrible.
- But I think I'm about to find out.

Mind. Oh, Mind, it's so terrible.

Mind, I can hold my breath
until I turn chartreuse.

"Blue," Mork.
Hold your breath until you turn "blue."

No, we Orkans hold our breath
until we turn chartreuse

just before we reach critical mass
and explode, like Scanners?

Well, please don't explode.
I just vacuumed.



Oh, Mind.

Oh, Mork,
what are you so upset about?

All right. Well, I met these two singers
named Rick and Ruby.

And they drove all the way out here
from Akron.

And then they got out here and then
the guy that hired them fired them

just because Ruby's rabbit died
seven months ago.

What?

Wait a minute. They fired her
because she's pregnant?

Really? Who'd do such
an insensitive sexist thing like that?

Remo.

That explains it.

Since when has Remo
had entertainment at the restaurant?

Oh, I don't know, Mindy.

I guess he wants to try
and improve business somehow.



But they came and he fired them,
and now they don't have any money,

they don't have any place to live,
no place to go.

- You mean they're stranded?
- Oh, yes.

Oh, God,
no wonder you're so upset.

That makes me mad.
I mean, so what if she's pregnant?

If a woman can work,
she should be allowed to work.

You wouldn't turn someone like
that out in the street, would you?

Of course not.

- What?
- No way would I turn them out.

She says it's okay, come on in.

- Mind, meet Rick and Ruby.
- Hi.

We're sure glad you're taking us in.

- Well…
- It's really nice of you.

I mean, we're total strangers
and everything.

For all you knew, we could have been
a couple of real ding-dongs.

- I guess I just lucked out.
- Yeah.

Or even worse, we could have
been robbers or axe murderers

or game-show hosts or something.

To tell you the truth, we're not really
all that trustworthy even ourselves.

We're not sure this baby is mine.

Ricky, would you give me a little hand
with this, you think?

- Sure, honey.
- It's so heavy.

Thanks a million.

Yeah, anytime, sweetheart.

Why don't we go take a nap?
I'm beat.

Let me show you to your room.

- This way, please.
- Sure.

- Oh, pardon me, pardon me.
- It's right in there.

Mork, that's my bedroom.

I know, Mind,
but they both can't sleep on the couch.

Ruby will sleep on the couch
and you can Rick can...

- The bedroom's right through there.
- Oh, thank you.

Oh, don't you worry.

The next three months
are just gonna fly right by.

Three months?

It's gonna be so much fun.

You know,
sharing beauty hints and stuff.

I just think it's so great
to live in a country

where you can actually
have hair like this

and still be allowed to reproduce.

And I'm telling you that not hiring Ruby
because she's pregnant is sexist.

And I'm telling you
the only reason you're saying that

is because you're a woman.

- That remark is sexist.
- I'm not a sexist.

I'm a man.

Jeanie, get over here. Get some water
on Table 8, would you?

Go stuff your manicotti.

Even she's down on me.

I don't know what's going on here.

Look, my dad taught me
that pregnant women

should be taken care of.

They shouldn't work.
I respect women.

If you respect women so much, why
don't you let Ruby make the choice?

I'm telling you, Remo,
you are a real chauvinist.

Yeah, Remo,
you're a real chauvinist.

What do we mean by that, Mind?

Well, in Remo's case,
it's a general attitude

that women are inferior.

- Yeah?
- Well, they aren't.

Oh, I know that, Mind.

I mean, they sew better,
they cook better, they clean better.

- I'll talk to you about this later.
- Okay.

You know,
Remo has always been like this.

Whenever we played king of the hill,
he was always the king.

Yeah.

- I was always the hill.
- Yeah.

Sexist.

- I understand what's going on here.
- Oh, good.

Now, Remo, imagine what the worst
thing that could possibly happen.

Let's say you hire Ruby and the
little lady's up there singing on-stage

and all of a sudden,
she hits a high note,

and we all realize
that she's not singing.

That couldn't happen because
she's seven months pregnant.

Even if she does give birth on-stage,

do you realize how many people would
pay to come see her do that again?

Mork, listen, I don't think
pregnant women should work.

That's the way I feel about it.

I'm the one that has to live with it,
and that is that.

- Oh, that is that?
- That's it.

Well, Remo, I'm sure there are a lot
of women's groups around Boulder

who'd love to hear
about the way you feel.

I'm gonna make phone calls.

I bet you you'll have a picket line
outside your restaurant.

Fine. That's your right.

Just make sure
none of them are pregnant.

- What a chauvinist thing to say.
- Yeah.

I'll get a couple
of men's groups together

and we'll be out there tomorrow
with you.

Well, you can cheer us on
from the sidelines

and keep us supplied with coffee
and those little sissy sandwiches.

Don't eat at Da Vinci's.
Don't eat at Da Vinci's.

Don't eat at Da Vinci's.

I don't believe this.
They got half the town out here.

Even Thelma Jenkins.

I got a date with her tonight.

Oh, great.

Dinner and a cold shower again.

You wanna get rid of the pickets?

You hire Rick and Ruby.

I'm not gonna hire
a helpless pregnant woman.

I'm standing on principle here.

Remo, you're 27 years old.
Why start now?

Don't eat at Da Vinci's.
Don't eat at Da Vinci's. Don't...

Lunch break.

Boy, am I hungry.

I'd like three burritos
and lots of ice cream.

Well, at least we have one customer.
Jeanie, would you…?

Sorry, but I'm on my lunch break too.
I'll see you in an hour.

Don't eat at Da Vinci's.
Don't eat at Da Vinci's.

My own sister?

You know,
I could be mad at that Mindy.

Why, if she's just doing
what she thinks is right?

And here comes the cause
of my problem.

What are you doing on your feet
walking around?

Will you sit down?

Mork, what are you doing?

We're picketing this place
so people don't eat here.

You crossed the picket line.

If you chicks
had made those sandwiches,

I wouldn't be so fammed out
right now for sure.

I'm pretty hungry too.
I'll have whatever he's having, okay?

I'm sorry.
We're all out of burritos and ice cream.

Rats.

I don't believe this.
I don't believe it.

Why don't we invite
the whole picket line in here?

Okay, but everybody's gonna have
to go Dutch.

Mindy, come on,
let's get together on this thing, huh?

All right. Mork, you've heard their side,
but you haven't heard mine.

- Now, try and be objective, all right?
- Kay-o.

Thanks. By the way, where's Rick?

He's home asleep.

He said this whole thing was my fault
so I should be the one to picket.

Sounds fair to me.

No, it doesn't. None of this is fair.

Mindy, besides my feelings,
this is a business.

No one's gonna pay good money
to see someone in her condition sing.

- He's got a point, Mind.
- No, he doesn't.

Her condition has nothing to do
with her ability to sing.

She's got a point, Remo.

Mork, I mean, besides risking
losing my customers,

I have to pay them a salary.

If Mindy were in my place,
she wouldn't do it.

- Would you pay them?
- Of course.

- She said she'd pay them a salary.
- She's on.

What? Hey, wait a minute,
I didn't say...

I knew you'd do the right thing,
you're always on the side of the right.

- No, wait a minute.
- Thanks, Mindy.

We could really use the money.

Hold it. What I meant...

Mind,
you're not going back on your word.

You're not going to be a shiksa giver,
are you?

No, no. Okay. Okay,
I'll make a deal with you, Remo.

If they chase away customers,
I'll pay their salary

and if they don't, you pay it.

- Okay. You got it.
- Okay. Yeah.

- That's it.
- It's not a big deal.

- No.
- After all, this isn't exactly Vegas.

I mean, how much could it be?

- How much do they make?
- Five hundred a week.

Five hundred?

Five hundred.

So? It's okay.

It's all right, Remo,
because in the end, talent will out.

I wanna talk to you
about their talent.

Do you know the name
of their group?

- No.
- Ask her.

Ruby,

- what do you call your group?
- The Stupids.

The what?

The Stupids.

See, what we do is we get up on-stage
and we act like we're real dumb.

It's real hard too.

If you think that being stupid is easy,
you really ought to try it sometime.

Besides being stupid,
what else do you do?

We sing songs
that no one wants to hear.

Don't most performers sing songs
that people wanna hear?

Oh, well, yeah.

They do if they're smart.

But we're The Stupids, see?

Why aren't Rick and Ruby
on the stage?

Well, I think
they're in the kitchen changing, Mind.

You're not gonna believe this.

Rick and Ruby are back there
arm wrestling.

- Oh, no.
- Arm wrestling? That's unfair.

It's two against one.

They got into an argument
over what to call the baby

and the winner gets to pick
the name.

Okay, I'm ready to go.

Let me tell you something, baby.
You may be strong, but I got it up here.

God,
what are all these people doing here?

I don't know.
The food must be pretty good, huh?

Let me tell you something else.

No matter how many times
you pin me,

we're not gonna name the baby
Trigger.

It's a good name.
It works for either a boy or a girl.

If you guys are late one more time,

I'm taking the wagon
and going back to Akron.

Now, do you want me to introduce you
or not?

Well, of course, Raoul.

Guy thinks we're stupid
or something.

That's okay.

Okay.

Is it okay if we play
a little flamingo guitar?

Ladies and gentlemen, The Stupids.

The name was their idea.

Okay. One, two, three...

Wait, I have an idea.

Why don't we just sort of take a vote

and let these people decide
what to name the baby?

No way, Jose. We're in Colorado.

These people will go for Trigger.

Excuse me,
but I'm not paying you to bicker.

In fact, I may not be the one
that pays you at all. Just sing.

God, we gotta tell him
how to run his restaurant.

Okay, one, two, three...

I really am sorry.

You know, my mind
just keeps wandering

and that's not so bad,
but then it comes back again

and I'm sort of stuck with it.

One, two, three, four.

When you were a young boy
Did you have a puppy

That always followed you around?

Well, I'm gonna be as faithful
As a puppy

I'm never gonna let you down

'Cause it gets higher
Higher than a mountain goes

It gets harder, heaven knows

- Do I love you, my, oh, my
- My, oh, my

- River deep, mountain high
- River deep, mountain high

- yeah, yeah, yeah
- yeah, yeah, yeah

- if I lost you, would I cry?
- If I lost you, would I cry?

- Oh, I love you, baby
- Oh, I love you, baby

- Baby, baby, baby
- Baby, baby, baby

I love you, baby
Like a robin loves to sing

I love you, baby
Like the flower grows in spring

I love you, baby
Like a schoolboy loves his pie

And I love you, baby
River deep, mountain high

- Do I love you, my, oh, my
- Do I love you, my, oh, my

- River deep, mountain high
- River deep, mountain high

- yeah, yeah, yeah
- yeah, yeah, yeah

- if I lost you would, I cry?
- If I lost you would, I cry?

- Oh, I love you, baby
- Oh, I love you, baby

- Baby, baby, baby
- Baby, baby, baby

That was terrific.

That was just great.
I gotta admit it, I was wrong.

Thanks a lot, Remo.

I have a small announcement.

I'm having a baby.

Ruby, these people may be hicks,

but even they can see
you're gonna have a baby.

No, no, you don't understand.

I'm having a baby now.

- Now?
- Sorry.

Just my luck.

My first full house,
it's 2-cent beer night.

I got a lead singer
dogging it in the hospital

with a little bundle of bliss
named Trigger.

I don't think spending the day
in the hospital

because you've had a baby
is exactly dogging it.

Well, she lied to me.

Told me
she was seven months pregnant.

Turns out she was nine months.

She started counting
when she found out she was pregnant.

Anyone could make that mistake.

I don't know whose fault it is.
I just know I need a singer.

I can do it.

I sing all the time in the shower,
even upside down.

Thanks, but I need more than
a singer who performs in the shower.

I sing in the bathtub,
but it sounds different.

It's more like:

Wait a minute.
What's wrong with us?

- Ruby can't perform.
- Well, so what?

I sing. Raoul sings.

I don't know.
She's the only one I ever heard sing.

I can sing. I wanna be a star.
I mean, Fats Domino, move over.

All I need is six guys
to help me to move Fats over.

Wait a minute.
Mork, let me handle this.

Now, Ruby's a pretty lady
and a wonderful singer,

but let's get something straight.

I'm the talent of the group.
So just introduce us, okay?

I don't know if I trust a guy
who plays a pink guitar with a beak.

You might as well introduce him.
You don't have any other choice.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's
that group you've been waiting for,

The Stupids.

Thank you.

Sure leaves you wanting more,
doesn't it?

- I thought you said you could sing?
- Well, I am singing.

I'm going:

Shouldn't there be something
between…and…?

Well, yeah, but that's Ruby's part,
but she just had a baby.

What are you, stupid?

I knew this wasn't gonna work.

Folks, we don't have a lead singer,

so maybe we ought to just close up
for tonight, huh?

Wait, I can sing.
I can sing, Mr. DaVinci.

- Let me try it, please.
- Mork.

You have never sung
in front of an audience before.

What do you call a rubber duck
and a washcloth, chopped liver?

- Now, come on.
- Mork.

I don't know about this.
I'm not used to working with amateurs.

I don't know about it, either,
but your…ain't selling diddly.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm not responsible for this.

Hi, how are you?

Thank you very much.
It's nice to be here.

Hey, where are you from?
What do I do?

Hey, for you, sweetheart.
Thank you very much.

I'd like to sing something very special.
In the key of X, boys.

Let's play that funky music,
white boys.

And a one and a two and a three.

Roll on

Roll on, roll on…

I'm really sorry,
I don't know the words to that one.

- What song do you know?
- Well, all the way through?

That would be nice.
Then we could all finish together.

Well…

Well, I know this one,
"This Heart is Closed for Alterations"?

Wow, I can't believe it.
That's our theme song.

Here. Here's Ruby's hat.

Ruby's hat. Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Privilege to be here once again.

Thank you. Thank you.

This heart is closed

For alterations

And the management
Extends apologies

I'm sorry if I've inconvenienced you

I'll make it right before I'm through

But for a little while
Just bear with me

This heart is closed

For alterations

- So please excuse the rubble
- Please excuse the rubble

- And debris
- And debris

you see
I've reached a few decisions

And I've made a few revisions

I think will make a new man
Out of me

I see that I've been taking out
On you

The changes
That she put me through

you're gonna see some changes
Made of me

This heart is closed

This heart is closed

For alterations

This heart is closed

This heart is closed

- For alterations
- For alterations

Thank you all. Thank you.

Thank you.

Mr. Jack Prude, Mr. Jack Prude,
thank you all.

Oh, bless you, bless you.

Mork, I never dreamed
that you knew how to sing like that.

I can't believe you got in front
of all these people

you never met before,
and cool as a cucumber,

you just sang your heart out.

- Talk about nerves of steel.
- Thanks.

Glad we finally understood each other.
I have a little question I'd like to ask.

What's it mean
when your legs get kind of weak

and you feel queasy
and you kind of black out?

It sounds like you're gonna faint.

Oh, good, because I thought
I was gonna have a baby.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Your Big Daddyship.

I hear you, Mork. Why the cigar?

Well, sir, I have reason to be proud,
Your Stogieness.

This week,
I helped an Earthling get a job.

Oh, isn't that nice there?

- Congrats and huzzah, Mork.
- Oh, thank you, sir.

I'm especially proud, sir,

since this Earthling
was being discriminated against.

She was, as they say on Ork,
with test tube.

- Oh, yes.
- Yep.

Earth pregnancy.

- You explained it to me once.
- Yes, sir.

Starts with the birds and the bees.
Ends with pickles and ice cream.

- One moment, Mork.
- Sir?

Are you saying Earthlings can't work
in that enlarged condition?

Oh, of course they can, sir.
It never stopped you.

I wouldn't know. I'm not pregnant.

Oh, come on now, sir.
Come on now.

You could be about to hatch
an entire village.

- Get on with it, Mork.
- Yes, indeed-do-dah.

Basically, I realized that the expectant
mother knows what's best for her.

Sounds reasonable.
It is her pregnancy.

Oh, you won the magic prize,
Your Perceptive Pudginess.

You see, most Earthlings think that
this is the end of a woman's career,

when actually,
it's just a pregnant pause.

Until next week, sir, na-no, na-no.

Say good night, Bebo.

That's close.