Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 18 - Mork and the Family Reunion - full transcript

Oh, Mindy, dinner was delicious.

Since Kathy's away,
I'm grateful for any meal

that doesn't begin
with the word "instant."

You certainly
are in a good mood today

considering Uncle Dave
is coming into town tomorrow.

Yeah, well,
we never got along very well.

It's just, well, he's always
accomplished more than I did

and he let me know about it.
He's always been a little eccentric.

Is that why every time you see him,
you break out in hives?

Yeah, maybe this time
it will be different.

After all, it's been seven years
since I've seen him.



And he reminded me
of his island in the Caribbean.

And my mortgage in Boulder.

Well, you can stop scratching, Dad.

I'll make him a great dinner

and tell Mork not to cut his meat
with his finger.

Am I home yet, Mind?

Yes, Mork.

Oh, thank goodness.
This is the sixth house I've backed into.

All right, I'll ask.

Mork, why are you
walking backwards?

What? I'm celebrating my heritage,
Mind, this is National Backwards Day.

It something that everyone
looks forward to on Ork.

I'm in big trouble.

Oh, Pops, nice not seeing you.



So you've been out
walking around all day backwards.

Didn't people stare at you?

I don't know, Mind, I don't have eyes
in the back of my head.

Well, I have to go.

Honey, just make sure
you turn him around

by the time Dave gets here.

Oh, Pops, don't start scratching yet.
That holiday's not until next month.

So, Mork, how long
does National Backwards Day last?

- In Earth years, Mind?
- Mork…

It's over, Mind.

By the way, who's Dave?

Oh, Dave is Dad's brother.

Pop has a biological brother?

Is he older, younger, male, female?

Well, he's older.

And brothers
are almost usually always male.

Oh, not Dr. Joyce Brothers.

It's been years since we've seen
Uncle Dave and Aunt Caroline.

Dad really wants
to impress his brother,

so please try to act like an earthling.

You got it, Mind.
Who do you want me to be?

Catchy tune.

Oh, it's here, it's my package
from Ork. I ordered it special delivery.

Thank you, and no tip.
You were slow opening.

- Oh, you. Oh, Mind.
- What…?

- Ceremonial food for Backwards Day.
- What is it?

- It's called flek.
- Flek? What's that?

It's like nargle, except when you eat it,
you don't grow feathers.

It sure doesn't look like food.

Well, these are seeds, Mind.
You just plant them and up comes flek.

Here we go.

There, little one
And time and growth will know

Mork, on Ork,
do all plants grow that fast?

Yes, Mindy, but on Ork,
even the begonias have stretch marks.

- Hello, Caroline.
- Fred, dear, how nice to see you.

Hi, Aunt Caroline.

- And this can't be Mindy.
- Yeah.

Oh, my, what a big girl
you've grown up to be.

So where's that big brother of mine?

Oh, Dave, dear,
Fred and Mindy are here.

Oh, he just can't wait to see you.

Junior, as I make it,
you're four minutes late.

I've bought companies in less time.

Well, yes, I know, Dave,
but it's wonderful to see you.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
This is Mindy, of course.

Yes.

What a pretty little girl you are.

The outfit's a little strange.
I don't know about the sweater.

Doesn't make any difference,
doesn't matter.

- Uncle Dave, well, it's nice to see you.
- Oh, good.

I'll save those.

Well, now you just move
your little Adidas

into the kitchen
and let's get some goodies, huh?

Yes, Daddy dear.

Oh, I don't know what I'd do
without her.

I think I'll keep her.

Tell me something, junior,

where's your ball and chain?

- My what?
- I think he means your little wifey.

Oh, well, Kathy's in Chicago
this weekend.

You let her travel?

By herself?

Oh, she plays flute
in a chamber group.

How fascinating.

Oh, no.

No, they're very good.

Oh, come on, junior.

You're kidding me.

I mean, you got your wife
playing the flute in Chicago,

putting a stick in her face?

You can't cut it on your own?

Hey, tell me something incidentally,
how's the arm?

It itches.

I mean, you're the maestro,
the guy with the baton.

How about a little building up
of the biceps?

Oh, well, no, no, Dave, come on.

I think we're a little old
for all of this, don't you?

What do you mean,
"a little old," junior?

Oh, no, no, you're never too old
for the taste of victory.

Okay. All right, all right.

Here we go, okay? Okay?

One more for me.

Now you have a real disadvantage.

Okay, all right, ready?

Yeah.

Dave McConnell here. About what?

You want me to speak
to the Boulder Association?

- Uncle Dave.
- Oh, wait a minute.

I thought you and Aunt Caroline were
having dinner at my house tonight.

Yeah, that's right, but what time
are we eating, sweetheart?

Seven-thirty?

Seven-thirty. Seven-thirty.

Listen, how about 9?

Okay, boys? I'll be there.

Let's see, where was I? Oh, yeah.

Well, I guess some things
never change.

Wrong, junior.

No, this time
you didn't cry for Mommy.

Let's take a look at it.

This smells good.

That's good.

Mind, how do my pants look?

- Mork, very nice.
- I pressed them myself.

Do you think I'd get a better crease
if I take them off first?

Possibly. Mork, could you help me
finish setting the table?

- All right.
- Uncle Dave is in a hurry.

He wants to eat
as soon as he gets here.

Well, maybe we should start out
by serving frog's arms.

We're not serving frog's arms.

See, we're already
ahead of schedule.

I don't know why we're going
to all this trouble for Uncle Dave.

I mean,
he hasn't been very nice to Dad.

I'm making this big meal
and you made this delicious dessert.

By delicious, Mind,

are you inferring that some of this
has passed by your lips?

Oh, yeah. It's good.

Mind, that was flek.

- Flek?
- Yeah.

- No earthling's ever eaten it.
- I'm gonna be all right, aren't I?

Just be calm and tell me
where you keep your stomach pump.

Stomach pump?

I didn't mean to frighten you.
We'll have to use the plunger. Open.

- Mork, come on.
- Mind, Mind.

You're overreacting.
I just ate a tiny piece and I feel fine.

Oh, will you sign
a statement to that effect, Mind?

Sure.

I guess if it's okay for Orkans,
it's all right for you.

There's nothing wrong with me

that getting through
this evening won't cure.

I'll get it.

I wonder if Uncle Dave would mind
if I tied her to a chair.

Mork, what did I just do?

Something like this:

It must be the flek, Mind.

But I feel perfectly normal right now.

Mindy, it's Dad.

Oh, no.

Mork, if I start acting strange again,
just cover for me, all right?

- Dad's got enough on his mind.
- All right, be calm, be calm, be calm.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Oh, I'll just put this over here.

Mindy, you look beautiful,
and Mork, you look almost human.

And I really wanna thank you.
I appreciate this.

- Oh, will you get up here?
- What? What?

Will you look at that wall there?

- What are we looking at?
- Right there at that wall.

It's amazing how the floor

and the ceiling
kind of butt together right there.

Mork, that is interesting,

but I think maybe tonight
it might be a good idea

if we don't discuss
wall appreciation with Dave.

That's fine. Let see, I think we…

Help me here.

No.

Why don't we sit down
and have a little snort before dinner?

You know how it always relaxes you.
It relaxes me too, you know.

How about a little toddy
for the body?

Mindy, are you all right?

Mork, I can't seem to control myself.

Oh, why does this have
to happen tonight?

I don't know, Mind…

That's Dave.
He never has time to knock twice.

Oh, I shall get it.

No, let me. I'll answer it.

What's she doing?

The bunny hop.

Listen, Mindy,
what's going on around here?

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hello, Caroline. Hello, Dave.

Hello, my name is Mork.
I'm the Caucasian help this evening.

I do not live with Mindy
and it's a pleasure to have you.

Yeah, all right. Good.

Thank you, sir.

Well, come on, let's eat, junior.
Come on, time is Krugerrands.

It's nice having you here,
Uncle Dave.

My dear, what a lovely apartment.
I just love way…

Please, please, you keep chattering,
Mother, and we're gonna miss dessert.

Well, Dave,
I certainly hope you're hungry,

because Mindy's prepared
a wonderful dinner.

Incidentally, Mother,

do you wanna pass along
this fine bottle of sauce to junior?

"Chateau Lafitte McConnell."

Your own vineyard.
That's quite impressive, Dave.

The fact is it's Mother's and mine,
isn't it?

Just north of Napa,
a huge monastery, about 50 monks.

We lost four.

Jumped a bus or something,
I don't know.

Any rate, long about late July,
early August,

those little devils come out.

Jumping up and down their little feet
and pressing out these grapes.

Of course, there are no women
at the monastery, are there, Mother?

No, there are not.

So you just see them
jumping up and down,

their little feet going away,
stepping on those little grapes.

Oh, Uncle Dave, sir, Aunt Caroline,
can I show you the rest of the house?

There's the attic up there,
there's the bedroom over here.

This is our living room, or as we
like to call it, our "living space."

Mindy, are you all right?

Yes, I'll explain it to you later,
but, Dad, I'm fine.

No, no, no, dinner's ready.

- Oh, well, let's all sit down, shall we?
- Okay, let's go there.

Let's go over and sit down.

This is a very special occasion.
Normally we have duck in a bucket.

Here you are, Mother.

Beat you to it, jelly belly.

Get some therapy for her. Therapy.

Mindy, are you all right?

She normally likes to do this,
it's kind of like punk grace:

"Can you light the poo-bee?"

Mindy.

Mindy, I am all hungry.
Could I have something to eat?

Would you like an olive?

Yes, I'd like an olive.

Good, good.

Bombs away.

I wanna tell you something.
I wanna tell you something.

Fit her for an electric bonnet now.

Set it at 580.

Dave, I think that's just Mindy's way
of making a little joke.

You should see her when she touches
her tongue to her eyebrow.

We haven't had a fly in here
in three years.

I'm telling you,
you should put a muzzle on her

and send her
to an obedience school.

Hey, pickle puss.

That does it. That does it.
That does it.

Come on. Come on, Caroline, let's go.
Let's get the coats.

Next thing, she'll be howling
at the moon. Come on.

- I don't think she would do that.
- No, please.

- Would she?
- I'm not sure.

No, wait, Uncle Dave.
Uncle Dave, come back.

Please, Aunt Caroline.
I don't know what came over me.

Neither do I.

Oh, I really apologize.

You haven't even finished dinner and
this means so much to Dad and me.

Dave, look, I don't know
what's come over Mindy,

but please stay.

Are you kidding?

I told Caroline, I told you,
coming in on the plane,

this was gonna be
a bummer of a reunion.

And it's a bummer.

I want out. I want out.

But, Uncle Dave, sir, you can't leave
with bitter memories in your mind.

Why not leave with something sweet?
Like, I have this dessert I made.

And you have to try it. Please?

You know, incidentally, you seem like
the only normal one here.

Not bad, not bad.

A little on the tart side, kind of gritty.

Uncle Dave?

Are you feeling all right?

Right, right, right.

Of course I'm feeling all right,
right, right, right.

Left, left, left, company!

All right, little girl,
these are the trenches.

Not easy to ride a horse
in a trench, is it?

Go on back in the tents there
with the young children.

Stay in that barn until the war's over.

You, help with the walking wounded.

They must be walking, however.

Crossed in front of a horse.

Easy.

All right, easy.

Men, take a look at it.

It's Whitey.

No, the horse.

There. Sergeant Major.

Good to see you.

Captain Bevre here.
Yes, First Imperial Fusselieres.

They were ready…

These are the trenches, of course.

Hey, man, what's going on?

I'm an American.

Cheers, cheers. What division?

Rainbow division.
Come on, man, shape up or ship out.

Love you, love you.
Let's attack anyway.

Brian, Brian.

Oh, black people.

Please, come over here.

God bless you.

I was kicked out of Sanders.
They found me in a dress.

Doesn't make any difference.
Found you in what?

- A gown.
- A gown's better.

Oh, Father, look,
thousands of Huns.

- Bosch.
- Yes, Bosch, Germans and Bosch.

- Well…
- What's the Bosch?

We're out of small soup with beets.

I suppose.

- We have some tools in the back.
- Where? Where are they?

How about this?

Oh, my hand. My hand.

Oh, I'm sorry. Hey, get it out.

- Oh, I'm hurt. I'm hurt.
- I know you are,

but you've killed the old man
with four fingers in his head.

Wait a minute.
Looks like the bloody war's over.

- No, sir.
- What a shame.

And I've had no action.

You know, I can't…

No, it's my medallions.

We'll see you after the war,
probably in a VW.

Did somebody
switch brothers on me?

Oh, I've never seen him
act like this before.

Oh, I don't mean to pry, dear,
but are you back from the war yet?

Dave, what's come over you?

Oh, I don't know, junior.
I was just playing.

You never did that with me.

I mean, you never played with me
when we were kids.

Well, I know that.

When I came along,
as you know, I was first.

I was first.

I knew at three years of age,
I was first.

They gave me a little kitty
and a little doggy,

and then Daddy would bounce me
on his knee,

left knee and then on his right knee.

Then Mommy would just bounce me,
she'd dribble me:

And shoot me, and I'd say:

And then you came along.

I suppose I was jealous,
insanely jealous.

I saw your little body
in a 50-by-20 bed.

They played with you, painted you up,
made you a bizarre child.

I began to hate you,
hate you, hate you.

And I don't like you anymore.

I don't like you, Freddie.

Don't like you, junior.

You wonder why I'm different?

Why I'm twisted
and bent out of shape?

Because you took my parents
from me.

Now, don't worry, Aunt Caroline.

If anybody can find Uncle Dave,
Mork can.

- Mork, any luck?
- No, I found him.

You'll never guess where.
Time's up.

Top of the flagpole, city hall.

Oh, Dave, dear, are you all right?

Dave, wait a minute. Now, Dave.

Dave, look. Wait…

Well, excuse me,
I think Dave needs me.

To yell at.

It was the flek, Dad.
He'll calm down.

No, no, no, Mindy.
Flek or no flek, Dave's right.

We've never gotten along.
We never will.

But he's your brother,
and he happens to feel

like you've robbed him
of something special.

What do you want me to say to him?
He doesn't listen.

I'll talk to him, Pops.

Who talked him out of the lobster tank
at the Seafood Shanty?

Now, Dave, I think…

Well, I guess he can't make it
any worse than it already is.

All right, let's go.

Wait, wait, wait, Mind. Wait, wait.

Let me tell you
what Uncle Dave said first, he said:

"Tell junior, when I walk out,
I don't wanna see him in this room,

any room, anywhere, that even
includes a sleazy hotel in Bangkok."

It was wonderful seeing you
and it's a good thing we did,

because we'll probably
never see you again.

Dave, I don't want it to end like this.

Just tell it
to the doorman downstairs.

Oh, now, you just hold it, brother.

All my life, you've ignored me.

You've humiliated me
and you've made me itch like the devil,

and I never stopped trying
to win your approval.

Do you know what it's like
to love a brother

and he doesn't love you back?

It hurts.

Goodbye, Dave.

I still wish you well.
Come on, kids, let's go.

Oh, Daddy,
you're so good at negotiating.

Say something.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, junior.

Give me a minute, will you?

I learned a lot this evening.

I really did.
You made a fool out of me, man.

I came off looking bad.

Maybe it's better that way,
but I don't want it that way any longer.

I want it to be right.

Folks are gone, and…

You and I are still brothers
and we're still alive,

still very much alive.

I want your love
as bad as you want mine.

Hey, come on, put it there, Freddie.

You're still a dynamo.

Oh, you rascal.

Hey.

Listen,
why don't I take us all to dinner?

Get your purse,
will you, sweetheart?

What's that for?

For giving my father a brother.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, O mighty sequoia.

Why do you call me sequoia, Mork?

Well, sir,
it's the fattest tree that I know.

- Your report, Mork.
- Yes, sir.

This week, sir,
I learned about competition.

The type of competition
between different branches

of the same family tree.

You see, sir, how that it all ties it in,
tree, roots, things like that.

You told me earthlings
were very competitive,

but I didn't know
they brought it home with them, Mork.

Oh, yes, sir, you see, sibling rivalry
has been around for a long time.

Started with Cain and Abel
competing for God's attention

right through Donny and Marie
competing for the same hairdo.

Oh, Donny, why?

But isn't competition
a healthy thing?

Well, sir, it can be.

You see,
I think a family should be like a team.

They shouldn't be forced to wear pads
to protect each other from contact.

Everyone should be rooting
each other on.

Well, why don't they?

Your Spruce Gooseness,
it starts with one person

comparing himself to another
and he forgets

that the only standards he has to meet
are the ones he sets for himself.

But isn't it through competition
that greater heights are reached?

Yes, sir, but I don't think you should
use your family as stepping stones.

Until next week, sir, na-no.