Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 15 - Mindy, Mindy, Mindy - full transcript
Mork attempts at creating clones of Mindy when she goes out of town.
MORK: Na-no, na-no.
(upbeat theme playing)
Hey, come on, honey.
Your plane leaves in an hour.
All set.
Except for Mork.
I wonder why he ran
out at the last minute.
Oh, honey, uh, Mork
wouldn't miss seeing you off.
After all, going to
Topeka is a big deal.
Yeah. Yeah, covering the
Winter Week conference
is a big deal.
Who's gonna pick you up at
the airport, a chartered tractor?
No.
No, it's important, Dad.
Because Mr. Sternhagen
at the station
said if I do good
on this assignment,
he might give me a bigger one.
Like City Hall,
congressional scandals.
Maybe even the
Summer Week convention.
(chuckles)
Mind. Mind, Mind, Mind,
Mind. Mind, Mind, Mind, Mind.
Mind, Mind, Mind, Mind,
Mind... Oh, Pop. Pop.
Mind, Mind, Mind, Mind, Mind.
Pop, pop. Pop, pop, Mind, Mind.
♪ Mmm, Mind-Mind
Pop-Pop, mmm, Mind-Mind ♪
I bought you this
wonderful gift.
Since you're going to Kansas,
I got a flea collar for Toto.
(as Glinda): Don't be afraid.
There's no place like that.
You're right.
Oh, Mork, thank
you. I'll pass it along.
Okay, honey, I'll go,
eh, warm up the car.
(normal voice): The
best way to do that
is to blow in its carburetor
and say that you love it.
I'll do that, but I'll hate
myself in the morning.
Okay, Mork, now, I want
you to pay close attention.
We've got a lot
of things to cover
if you're gonna
manage by yourself.
Ho-ho. Come on, now, Mind.
Scoff, scoff. Derisive
laughter. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Manage by myself? Do you
know who you're talking to?
Yes. Oh.
This is the can
opener. Can opener.
This is the coffee
pot. Coffee pot.
And remember what I
told you about the blender?
Turn it off. Don't just stand
there waiting for it to flush.
Right.
And remember the
most important part.
You turn it off
from the outside.
Oh. I wonder why my
fingernails were getting shorter.
(laughs) (horn honks)
Oh. Well, I gotta run.
I'm gonna miss you, Mork.
Well, you can't miss,
Mindy, if you aim right here.
Ha-ha. Mmm. (pants)
Well, you have a good time,
and I'll see you when
I get back on Monday.
Oh, you have a
good time too, Mind.
And don't you worry about me.
I'm a superior being
and I can handle
everything. That's right. Okay.
Arrivederci. Bye.
Ciao. Auf Wiedersehen.
Do svidaniya.
Later, mama.
(exhales)
♪ Alone again ♪
♪ Can't you see
I'm alone again? ♪
Well... Heh-heh-heh!
Yes.
(hums)
Ooh. Hey, hey, hey. Heh-heh.
(hums)
(imitates can opener jamming)
(imitates can opener)
(imitates can opener straining)
Ar-ar.
(sings in Spanish)
Well, I guess I'll just have
to peel it and eat it raw.
(playful theme playing)
Oh. I've gotta stop
thinking about her.
No. I've gotta stop
thinking about her.
No!
Oh. She's not
even thinking of me.
(doorbell rings)
Lord, she got my
psychic telegram.
Oh, my darling! My darling...
Oh, what a disappointment.
You're no aurora borealis
yourself. I came up to tell you
I got a call from our
landlord, Mr. Klevins.
He's coming around later
to install smoke alarms
in all the apartments.
Oh, no more smoke? There goes
my chat with Chief White Eagle.
What?
You'd better get
this place cleaned up.
This Klevins is a real creep.
He's bounced tenants for
having crooked doormats.
You really miss
Mindy, don't you?
Oh, no way.
Well, where did you get
all the pictures, Shiksa-mat?
(chuckles)
What?
Listen, maybe it'd help
to get your mind off Mindy
if you go out with
some of your friends.
How about the two of us go
out and paint the town pink, huh?
I'm sorry, Mork, I can't.
Why not?
Because it sounds like a drag.
And I thought he didn't like me.
(romantic music
playing over stereo)
Hear that, Mind?
They're playing
our song, darling.
(woman singing indistinctly)
You know, I... I love it
when you wear that perfume:
Janitor in a Drum.
(static crackles)
(woman singing indistinctly)
You can cure that with some
fabric softener, you know that?
(static crackles)
Wait a minute. Wait.
♪ To have my arms... ♪
(low-pitched humming) Oh, no.
That can only mean
one thing. Oh, he's here.
It's him. It's the Orkan elder.
What do you mean, "No"?
It's the ancient one, the wisest
of the wise. Stop it, it's him.
Oh, no. Quick. Down
upon your knees.
Nice touch.
Oh!
(mystical theme playing)
Rise, Mork. Oh, sir.
(egg whines)
(singing in Orkan)
Don't be so formal, Mork.
You know my name is Pbbbt.
I came because it's my birthday.
Oh, sir. Happy birthday.
(singing in Orkan)
Pbbbt. Pbbbt. Pbbbt. Birthday.
Very touching.
Hard to keep a dry eye.
I just wish the Orkan aging
process wasn't reversed.
It seems like every
day I look in the mirror,
I get a little bit cuter.
(sighs): Where does the time go?
Probably the same
place that socks go
when you lose them in the dryer.
Well, how old
are you today, sir?
In Earth years, 87.
You know, that's amazing. If
you were a dog, you'd be 14.
I decided to treat myself
and drop in to see you
and especially the
soft-lapped one.
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry about
that, sir, but she's out of town.
Aw, shazbot. Sir.
I'm sorry I missed her.
They don't make
laps like hers on Ork.
Well, I probably
could entertain you
in the traditional
Orkan fashion,
if you wish to come with me.
(hums)
Oh, Orkan checkers.
You go first, Mork.
Oh, thank you,
sir, for the privilege.
(sighs)
Check.
Checkmate.
And I never even saw it coming.
Oh, that's why you're
the elder, sir. Oh, boy.
You know, I kept thinking
about the two of you down here,
especially Mindy.
She's different from us.
I, uh... I know, sir.
You know, sir, the
last time you were here,
you said you
could build a Mindy.
Can you?
I suppose I could.
I've got my genetic
tool kit in the egg.
What would you do
with the one I build you
when the real Mindy gets back?
I could sell her to the Osmonds
in case Marie gets trampled
at a family reunion.
(upbeat theme playing)
Sir, are you sure you
only need one hair?
You'll have to make her
head awfully small for this to fit.
Of course. Didn't
you learn anything
in your Cloning class on Ork?
I had to substitute Basket
Weaving for Cloning.
I was on an
athletic scholarship.
Now I need some information
on Mindy's character traits.
Oh, that's very easy,
sir. She talks like this:
(feminine voice): Hello. My
name is Mindy, I'm a Capricorn.
I like fuzzy things,
happy people,
solar energy and whistling
at construction workers.
Um, turnoffs are
gas-guzzling cars,
cancer-causing agents,
nuclear power plants
and bathroom poetry.
If I wasn't so modest,
I'd say I was adorable.
Excellent. Now, hand
me the copovia clamp
so I can adjust her IQ.
(normal voice): Oh, yes, sir.
Remember that
she's quite intelligent.
She has a college degree,
and she knows about everything.
Watering plants, driving a Jeep.
She can even tie her
shoelace without looking down.
She's almost done. Oh. Oh, sir.
Please remember she was
wearing a... A pink sweater and jeans,
and remember to put her
nose right between her eyes.
(machinery whirring)
Sir. Uh-oh, sir.
(buzzing)
Sir. She... She's ready, sir.
Okay, okay.
I may be old, but I'm not deaf.
Oh, sir.
Oh, sir.
Sir, it worked. It's
an exact duplicate.
Of course. Talk to her.
Hi, Mind. Big kiss.
(academic voice): If you think
I'm going to flex my
orbicular muscle to osculate,
you're sadly mistaken.
What'd she say?
No. Oh.
This idle discourse fatigues me.
Mind, come on, remember?
It's me, your cute little Morky.
Enough of this childish drivel.
I need mental stimulation.
Don't you have
any books to read?
No, I have some to color.
Oh, never mind.
I'll write my own.
But...
Min...
Call me when you've evolved.
Um, sir, I... I think you
made her a little too intelligent.
What happened?
Well, sir, uh,
meaning no disrespect,
but I think you really orked up.
(upbeat theme playing)
(upbeat theme playing)
Beg your pardon, sir, but what
was wrong with Mindy's clone?
If we were gonna
have a battle of wits,
I'd be an unarmed man.
These Earthlings must be
more complex than I thought.
Oh, sir. Don't give up, please.
Try again. I mean,
I'm real lonely.
Remember, sir. I mean, she...
She's more the outdoor type.
She's energetic and athletic,
and she's not a
spectator, she's a doer.
This one will be right.
An elder never fails... twice.
Oh, bless you, sir, bless you.
May your shoes always be loose.
Oh. (tools clacking)
Tingling sense of anticipation.
(breathing heavily)
Oh.
Sir, sir.
(buzzing)
It's happening again, sir.
Ha! I think we
got a hot one, sir.
H-hi, Mind. Big kiss.
Not now. I'm in training.
(panting)
That's real athletic and
energetic, sir. Thank you.
But, uh, how do you
turn her off, though, sir?
The deactivating
button is on her foot.
Oh, no. I'm not going near
her without a whip and a chair.
Come on. Come on. Two
out of three, two out of three.
Come on, come on. Hi,
nice to meet you, Mindy...
(screams)
Mindy. Mindy. Ungh! Argh!
Aunt. Aunt... Oh, uncle. Uncle.
(doorbell rings)
End of round one.
Neutral corners.
(muttering)
Wahhh.
Sir, could you make the next
one a little more loving, please?
One less turn on the butch bolt?
(yelps)
(doorbell ringing) I'll get it.
Oh, no, no, no.
I hope it's Gore Vidal
come to borrow a
cup of aphorisms.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We can't let anybody see you.
I opt to remain.
I feel the need for
social discourse
on a much higher
level. (knock on door)
You have proved to me
that Darwin was wrong.
(as William F. Buckley,
Jr.): Uh, pardon me,
perhaps we could find
a harmonious resolution,
um, by a conflict of
intellects, i.e. a battle of wits,
whereby the loser must
forfeit an article of clothing
and reveal a layer of epidermis.
Ahhh.
A strip debate. Ah,
yes. If you catch my drift.
Very well.
Let's discuss the
Cartesian dictum,
"I think, therefore, I am,"
and how it relates to
Kierkegaard's observation
that a relation which
relates itself to its own self
must have been created by
itself or created by another.
Oh, fascinating. Whoosh!
But, however, possession
of extraneous literature
constitutes a foul.
Therefore, please remit to
me your left pedal extremity.
Oh. Thank you very much.
(beeps)
(normal voice): Sorry, Mind.
I'd have a very hard
time explaining you,
and you would have a very
hard time explaining you.
(knocking on door) Oop. Sorry.
Who is it? MAN: It's me,
Al Klevins, the landlord.
I'll be right there,
Mr. Klevins.
Oh, I have to tidy up.
(humming)
Hello. Hi, you
must be the creep.
Creep? I don't know you,
and already I'm not liking you.
Where's my tenant
Mindy McConnell?
Oh, she's in Kansas
looking for a small dog
at a midget convention. Ar-ar!
Who are you? Oh, I'm Mork,
the man who lights up her life.
This place is a mess.
I don't see how you could tell
with all this junk lying around.
I have no time
for this chitchat.
I gotta install this smoke alarm
so that people like you
won't light up my life.
I'll put it here in the
bedroom over there.
Oh, if you ever hear this...
(beeps)
put out the fire, then leave.
Whew. Oh, man.
Round two.
That... That... That
was a buzzer, not a bell.
I'm gonna squeeze you
like a tube of anchovy paste.
No, no, no!
(Asian accent): You'll
never take me alive.
(both squealing)
(beeps)
(normal voice):
Sorry about that, Mind.
Oh, boy. I've got them
comin' and goin' here.
Hold on a second.
What are you doing,
Rockette kicks?
Is it time for a little yoga?
(grunting)
(humming)
Whew. Ooh.
We should get a deposit
on all these empties.
(Southern accent):
Well, hi there, hot stuff.
Big kiss.
MORK: Mmmmm.
Wha...? Huh!
Listen, I asked for somebody
warm, not a human hickey maker.
You're cute. (laughs)
Today, boy.
Tonight, man. (yells)
(exhales)
Listen, I'm a very
kind, innocent...
Innocent little alien.
Ooh.
I'm not.
(panting)
Oh, listen, please. I-I wanna
wear white at my wedding.
Ooh. Oh.
Why don't I slip into
somethin' more comfortable,
like skin?
No, no, no, no, no. You...
You... You can't go in there.
Oh, try to stop me, blue eyes.
Oh. Oh!
Ooh! Ooh!
(French accent): By
tonight, my darling,
you'll be needing a lip retread.
I'm going to drive you to
China for Jewish food. Oh!
I'm startin' to get to you, huh?
Quick, fondle me with your eyes.
Tell you what. Better than that,
let's sip champagne
from your slipper,
eh, ma petite?
All right, my scruffy
rogue, but find it first.
Oh, I'll find it for you.
Ohhh, bingo. (laughing)
Oh. Eee!
I will sip from no
slipper before its time.
(laughs)
Oh, let's make it a double.
(beeps)
(normal voice): Phew.
At least I found her turnoff.
Up you go, my l...
(panting)
Oh, oh.
Make room for one more.
Oh, boy, you're stacking
up like cordwood in here.
(mumbling)
Hey, you.
Hello.
What are you doing?
Oh, just tidying up.
I saw what you did.
You put a person in there.
I-in fact, it looks
like Miss McConnell.
It's Ms. McConnell to you.
I-I'm gonna call the police.
I-I'm g-gonna call the police.
It's just an ostrich. Please.
You're a murderer.
That's what you are.
No. No, please. You don't
understand. No, please.
Hello? Hello, operator?
Get me the police. I
want to report a murder.
No, no, sir. No... Hi, Mork.
(groans)
Never mind. It's not as
important as I thought.
Miss McConnell. You're alive.
Well, thank you. So are you.
What's going on here?
Yeah, but y-you can't be here.
I just saw him stuff
your body into that closet.
Here, I'll show you.
No, no, no, no,
no, no. No, no, no!
It's an ostrich convention here.
You don't wanna disturb them.
Look, I saw you put
someone in there,
and I'm gonna find out
what's going on around here.
All right! All right,
Mr. Smarty-pants,
you wanna know what's in there?
Yeah.
Okay, I'll show
you what's in there.
I'm opening the door.
I'm reaching in.
It's just your typical mop
with jeans and a sweater.
A perfectly logical
explanation... sort of.
I'm getting outta here.
I-I-I can't... I'm
getting outta here.
Maybe I'll move
back to the Bronx,
where it's safe.
What is going on here?
Why does this mop
have my picture on it?
Well, that's... That's kind
of hard to explain, Mind.
I'll bet. What's
really in the armoire?
Mind, you don't wanna...
Mork, where'd you
get the dead Mindys?
They're not dead, Mind.
It's just my personal
pile of perkiness.
Ar-ar-ar-ar!
Now, don't touch their
feet, Mind. Touch their feet?
I don't even wanna
touch the armoire.
What are they doing in there?
The elder made them.
The eld...? The elder's here?
Oh, he's upstairs right now,
cranking out some more.
Oh, we gotta stop him.
Up above, s...
Sir. What's wrong?
I'm a failure, Mork.
An 87-year-old has-been.
I tried to recreate a
Mindy. I really tried.
But all I could make
were cheap imitations,
like this one.
Well, sir, this is her.
This is the real McConnell.
Please, Mork. Please, Mork.
Don't humor me.
Suddenly I feel very old.
Awwww.
The soft-lapped
one. It's really you.
Well, of course it's me.
Uh, welcome to Earth, uh... Ugh.
Um...
What are all those, eh,
me's doing in the closet?
Oh, Mind, Mind, don't blame him.
I asked him to make them for
me because I really missed you.
Well, I missed you too,
Mork, but that's a little strange.
I mean, they look just like me.
That's just on the outside,
not the part we really missed.
I've learned a valuable lesson:
Humans aren't
toys to tinker with.
Seeing you again
is the best birthday present
I could possibly have.
Oh, it's your birthday?
Oh, happy birthday.
If I were only 30
bleams younger,
I'd still be too old for you.
(laughs)
Well, uh, what
about all the Mindys?
Oh, I'll take them back
to Ork for scientific study.
You can keep the one upstairs.
Upstairs? You... You mean
there's another one up in the attic?
Yes, except she didn't
turn out exactly as I hoped.
Let me introduce you.
Oh, Mindy. Mindy!
(deep voice): Hi,
Mork. Big kiss.
(upbeat theme playing)
(upbeat theme playing)
MORK: Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson. Come
in, Your Jelly-bellyness.
You like that one, Beebs?
(gurgling) Does that
tickle your fancy?
I got a million of
them. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
ORSON: And I've
heard them all. Twice.
Get to your report, Mork.
Oh, yes, sir, Your Snippiness.
This week, sir, I've prepared
a very special report for you.
I finally found out
what distinguishes
one Earthling from another.
Funny. They all
look alike to me.
Oh, that may be true,
mein hippodrome.
But every person has something
that makes him unique
and very, very special.
It's called a personality.
Could you show me
one? Well, um, no, sir.
It's not something
you could see or touch,
but it's something that reaches
out and touches other people.
It's... It makes each one of
them very, very, very different.
Isn't that inefficient?
Oh, you bet, sir,
but that's what makes life on
this planet so darn interesting.
You see, sir, thanks
to personalities,
even the most identical
twin is not the same.
Even the shortest person
can stand out in a crowd.
They all may have the same
number of chromosomes,
but each person has
his own designer genes.
♪ Ooh, la-la, na-no ♪
♪ Ooh, la-la, na-no ♪
Until next week,
sir, na-no, na-no.
(upbeat theme playing)
(upbeat theme playing)
(upbeat theme playing)
Hey, come on, honey.
Your plane leaves in an hour.
All set.
Except for Mork.
I wonder why he ran
out at the last minute.
Oh, honey, uh, Mork
wouldn't miss seeing you off.
After all, going to
Topeka is a big deal.
Yeah. Yeah, covering the
Winter Week conference
is a big deal.
Who's gonna pick you up at
the airport, a chartered tractor?
No.
No, it's important, Dad.
Because Mr. Sternhagen
at the station
said if I do good
on this assignment,
he might give me a bigger one.
Like City Hall,
congressional scandals.
Maybe even the
Summer Week convention.
(chuckles)
Mind. Mind, Mind, Mind,
Mind. Mind, Mind, Mind, Mind.
Mind, Mind, Mind, Mind,
Mind... Oh, Pop. Pop.
Mind, Mind, Mind, Mind, Mind.
Pop, pop. Pop, pop, Mind, Mind.
♪ Mmm, Mind-Mind
Pop-Pop, mmm, Mind-Mind ♪
I bought you this
wonderful gift.
Since you're going to Kansas,
I got a flea collar for Toto.
(as Glinda): Don't be afraid.
There's no place like that.
You're right.
Oh, Mork, thank
you. I'll pass it along.
Okay, honey, I'll go,
eh, warm up the car.
(normal voice): The
best way to do that
is to blow in its carburetor
and say that you love it.
I'll do that, but I'll hate
myself in the morning.
Okay, Mork, now, I want
you to pay close attention.
We've got a lot
of things to cover
if you're gonna
manage by yourself.
Ho-ho. Come on, now, Mind.
Scoff, scoff. Derisive
laughter. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Manage by myself? Do you
know who you're talking to?
Yes. Oh.
This is the can
opener. Can opener.
This is the coffee
pot. Coffee pot.
And remember what I
told you about the blender?
Turn it off. Don't just stand
there waiting for it to flush.
Right.
And remember the
most important part.
You turn it off
from the outside.
Oh. I wonder why my
fingernails were getting shorter.
(laughs) (horn honks)
Oh. Well, I gotta run.
I'm gonna miss you, Mork.
Well, you can't miss,
Mindy, if you aim right here.
Ha-ha. Mmm. (pants)
Well, you have a good time,
and I'll see you when
I get back on Monday.
Oh, you have a
good time too, Mind.
And don't you worry about me.
I'm a superior being
and I can handle
everything. That's right. Okay.
Arrivederci. Bye.
Ciao. Auf Wiedersehen.
Do svidaniya.
Later, mama.
(exhales)
♪ Alone again ♪
♪ Can't you see
I'm alone again? ♪
Well... Heh-heh-heh!
Yes.
(hums)
Ooh. Hey, hey, hey. Heh-heh.
(hums)
(imitates can opener jamming)
(imitates can opener)
(imitates can opener straining)
Ar-ar.
(sings in Spanish)
Well, I guess I'll just have
to peel it and eat it raw.
(playful theme playing)
Oh. I've gotta stop
thinking about her.
No. I've gotta stop
thinking about her.
No!
Oh. She's not
even thinking of me.
(doorbell rings)
Lord, she got my
psychic telegram.
Oh, my darling! My darling...
Oh, what a disappointment.
You're no aurora borealis
yourself. I came up to tell you
I got a call from our
landlord, Mr. Klevins.
He's coming around later
to install smoke alarms
in all the apartments.
Oh, no more smoke? There goes
my chat with Chief White Eagle.
What?
You'd better get
this place cleaned up.
This Klevins is a real creep.
He's bounced tenants for
having crooked doormats.
You really miss
Mindy, don't you?
Oh, no way.
Well, where did you get
all the pictures, Shiksa-mat?
(chuckles)
What?
Listen, maybe it'd help
to get your mind off Mindy
if you go out with
some of your friends.
How about the two of us go
out and paint the town pink, huh?
I'm sorry, Mork, I can't.
Why not?
Because it sounds like a drag.
And I thought he didn't like me.
(romantic music
playing over stereo)
Hear that, Mind?
They're playing
our song, darling.
(woman singing indistinctly)
You know, I... I love it
when you wear that perfume:
Janitor in a Drum.
(static crackles)
(woman singing indistinctly)
You can cure that with some
fabric softener, you know that?
(static crackles)
Wait a minute. Wait.
♪ To have my arms... ♪
(low-pitched humming) Oh, no.
That can only mean
one thing. Oh, he's here.
It's him. It's the Orkan elder.
What do you mean, "No"?
It's the ancient one, the wisest
of the wise. Stop it, it's him.
Oh, no. Quick. Down
upon your knees.
Nice touch.
Oh!
(mystical theme playing)
Rise, Mork. Oh, sir.
(egg whines)
(singing in Orkan)
Don't be so formal, Mork.
You know my name is Pbbbt.
I came because it's my birthday.
Oh, sir. Happy birthday.
(singing in Orkan)
Pbbbt. Pbbbt. Pbbbt. Birthday.
Very touching.
Hard to keep a dry eye.
I just wish the Orkan aging
process wasn't reversed.
It seems like every
day I look in the mirror,
I get a little bit cuter.
(sighs): Where does the time go?
Probably the same
place that socks go
when you lose them in the dryer.
Well, how old
are you today, sir?
In Earth years, 87.
You know, that's amazing. If
you were a dog, you'd be 14.
I decided to treat myself
and drop in to see you
and especially the
soft-lapped one.
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry about
that, sir, but she's out of town.
Aw, shazbot. Sir.
I'm sorry I missed her.
They don't make
laps like hers on Ork.
Well, I probably
could entertain you
in the traditional
Orkan fashion,
if you wish to come with me.
(hums)
Oh, Orkan checkers.
You go first, Mork.
Oh, thank you,
sir, for the privilege.
(sighs)
Check.
Checkmate.
And I never even saw it coming.
Oh, that's why you're
the elder, sir. Oh, boy.
You know, I kept thinking
about the two of you down here,
especially Mindy.
She's different from us.
I, uh... I know, sir.
You know, sir, the
last time you were here,
you said you
could build a Mindy.
Can you?
I suppose I could.
I've got my genetic
tool kit in the egg.
What would you do
with the one I build you
when the real Mindy gets back?
I could sell her to the Osmonds
in case Marie gets trampled
at a family reunion.
(upbeat theme playing)
Sir, are you sure you
only need one hair?
You'll have to make her
head awfully small for this to fit.
Of course. Didn't
you learn anything
in your Cloning class on Ork?
I had to substitute Basket
Weaving for Cloning.
I was on an
athletic scholarship.
Now I need some information
on Mindy's character traits.
Oh, that's very easy,
sir. She talks like this:
(feminine voice): Hello. My
name is Mindy, I'm a Capricorn.
I like fuzzy things,
happy people,
solar energy and whistling
at construction workers.
Um, turnoffs are
gas-guzzling cars,
cancer-causing agents,
nuclear power plants
and bathroom poetry.
If I wasn't so modest,
I'd say I was adorable.
Excellent. Now, hand
me the copovia clamp
so I can adjust her IQ.
(normal voice): Oh, yes, sir.
Remember that
she's quite intelligent.
She has a college degree,
and she knows about everything.
Watering plants, driving a Jeep.
She can even tie her
shoelace without looking down.
She's almost done. Oh. Oh, sir.
Please remember she was
wearing a... A pink sweater and jeans,
and remember to put her
nose right between her eyes.
(machinery whirring)
Sir. Uh-oh, sir.
(buzzing)
Sir. She... She's ready, sir.
Okay, okay.
I may be old, but I'm not deaf.
Oh, sir.
Oh, sir.
Sir, it worked. It's
an exact duplicate.
Of course. Talk to her.
Hi, Mind. Big kiss.
(academic voice): If you think
I'm going to flex my
orbicular muscle to osculate,
you're sadly mistaken.
What'd she say?
No. Oh.
This idle discourse fatigues me.
Mind, come on, remember?
It's me, your cute little Morky.
Enough of this childish drivel.
I need mental stimulation.
Don't you have
any books to read?
No, I have some to color.
Oh, never mind.
I'll write my own.
But...
Min...
Call me when you've evolved.
Um, sir, I... I think you
made her a little too intelligent.
What happened?
Well, sir, uh,
meaning no disrespect,
but I think you really orked up.
(upbeat theme playing)
(upbeat theme playing)
Beg your pardon, sir, but what
was wrong with Mindy's clone?
If we were gonna
have a battle of wits,
I'd be an unarmed man.
These Earthlings must be
more complex than I thought.
Oh, sir. Don't give up, please.
Try again. I mean,
I'm real lonely.
Remember, sir. I mean, she...
She's more the outdoor type.
She's energetic and athletic,
and she's not a
spectator, she's a doer.
This one will be right.
An elder never fails... twice.
Oh, bless you, sir, bless you.
May your shoes always be loose.
Oh. (tools clacking)
Tingling sense of anticipation.
(breathing heavily)
Oh.
Sir, sir.
(buzzing)
It's happening again, sir.
Ha! I think we
got a hot one, sir.
H-hi, Mind. Big kiss.
Not now. I'm in training.
(panting)
That's real athletic and
energetic, sir. Thank you.
But, uh, how do you
turn her off, though, sir?
The deactivating
button is on her foot.
Oh, no. I'm not going near
her without a whip and a chair.
Come on. Come on. Two
out of three, two out of three.
Come on, come on. Hi,
nice to meet you, Mindy...
(screams)
Mindy. Mindy. Ungh! Argh!
Aunt. Aunt... Oh, uncle. Uncle.
(doorbell rings)
End of round one.
Neutral corners.
(muttering)
Wahhh.
Sir, could you make the next
one a little more loving, please?
One less turn on the butch bolt?
(yelps)
(doorbell ringing) I'll get it.
Oh, no, no, no.
I hope it's Gore Vidal
come to borrow a
cup of aphorisms.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We can't let anybody see you.
I opt to remain.
I feel the need for
social discourse
on a much higher
level. (knock on door)
You have proved to me
that Darwin was wrong.
(as William F. Buckley,
Jr.): Uh, pardon me,
perhaps we could find
a harmonious resolution,
um, by a conflict of
intellects, i.e. a battle of wits,
whereby the loser must
forfeit an article of clothing
and reveal a layer of epidermis.
Ahhh.
A strip debate. Ah,
yes. If you catch my drift.
Very well.
Let's discuss the
Cartesian dictum,
"I think, therefore, I am,"
and how it relates to
Kierkegaard's observation
that a relation which
relates itself to its own self
must have been created by
itself or created by another.
Oh, fascinating. Whoosh!
But, however, possession
of extraneous literature
constitutes a foul.
Therefore, please remit to
me your left pedal extremity.
Oh. Thank you very much.
(beeps)
(normal voice): Sorry, Mind.
I'd have a very hard
time explaining you,
and you would have a very
hard time explaining you.
(knocking on door) Oop. Sorry.
Who is it? MAN: It's me,
Al Klevins, the landlord.
I'll be right there,
Mr. Klevins.
Oh, I have to tidy up.
(humming)
Hello. Hi, you
must be the creep.
Creep? I don't know you,
and already I'm not liking you.
Where's my tenant
Mindy McConnell?
Oh, she's in Kansas
looking for a small dog
at a midget convention. Ar-ar!
Who are you? Oh, I'm Mork,
the man who lights up her life.
This place is a mess.
I don't see how you could tell
with all this junk lying around.
I have no time
for this chitchat.
I gotta install this smoke alarm
so that people like you
won't light up my life.
I'll put it here in the
bedroom over there.
Oh, if you ever hear this...
(beeps)
put out the fire, then leave.
Whew. Oh, man.
Round two.
That... That... That
was a buzzer, not a bell.
I'm gonna squeeze you
like a tube of anchovy paste.
No, no, no!
(Asian accent): You'll
never take me alive.
(both squealing)
(beeps)
(normal voice):
Sorry about that, Mind.
Oh, boy. I've got them
comin' and goin' here.
Hold on a second.
What are you doing,
Rockette kicks?
Is it time for a little yoga?
(grunting)
(humming)
Whew. Ooh.
We should get a deposit
on all these empties.
(Southern accent):
Well, hi there, hot stuff.
Big kiss.
MORK: Mmmmm.
Wha...? Huh!
Listen, I asked for somebody
warm, not a human hickey maker.
You're cute. (laughs)
Today, boy.
Tonight, man. (yells)
(exhales)
Listen, I'm a very
kind, innocent...
Innocent little alien.
Ooh.
I'm not.
(panting)
Oh, listen, please. I-I wanna
wear white at my wedding.
Ooh. Oh.
Why don't I slip into
somethin' more comfortable,
like skin?
No, no, no, no, no. You...
You... You can't go in there.
Oh, try to stop me, blue eyes.
Oh. Oh!
Ooh! Ooh!
(French accent): By
tonight, my darling,
you'll be needing a lip retread.
I'm going to drive you to
China for Jewish food. Oh!
I'm startin' to get to you, huh?
Quick, fondle me with your eyes.
Tell you what. Better than that,
let's sip champagne
from your slipper,
eh, ma petite?
All right, my scruffy
rogue, but find it first.
Oh, I'll find it for you.
Ohhh, bingo. (laughing)
Oh. Eee!
I will sip from no
slipper before its time.
(laughs)
Oh, let's make it a double.
(beeps)
(normal voice): Phew.
At least I found her turnoff.
Up you go, my l...
(panting)
Oh, oh.
Make room for one more.
Oh, boy, you're stacking
up like cordwood in here.
(mumbling)
Hey, you.
Hello.
What are you doing?
Oh, just tidying up.
I saw what you did.
You put a person in there.
I-in fact, it looks
like Miss McConnell.
It's Ms. McConnell to you.
I-I'm gonna call the police.
I-I'm g-gonna call the police.
It's just an ostrich. Please.
You're a murderer.
That's what you are.
No. No, please. You don't
understand. No, please.
Hello? Hello, operator?
Get me the police. I
want to report a murder.
No, no, sir. No... Hi, Mork.
(groans)
Never mind. It's not as
important as I thought.
Miss McConnell. You're alive.
Well, thank you. So are you.
What's going on here?
Yeah, but y-you can't be here.
I just saw him stuff
your body into that closet.
Here, I'll show you.
No, no, no, no,
no, no. No, no, no!
It's an ostrich convention here.
You don't wanna disturb them.
Look, I saw you put
someone in there,
and I'm gonna find out
what's going on around here.
All right! All right,
Mr. Smarty-pants,
you wanna know what's in there?
Yeah.
Okay, I'll show
you what's in there.
I'm opening the door.
I'm reaching in.
It's just your typical mop
with jeans and a sweater.
A perfectly logical
explanation... sort of.
I'm getting outta here.
I-I-I can't... I'm
getting outta here.
Maybe I'll move
back to the Bronx,
where it's safe.
What is going on here?
Why does this mop
have my picture on it?
Well, that's... That's kind
of hard to explain, Mind.
I'll bet. What's
really in the armoire?
Mind, you don't wanna...
Mork, where'd you
get the dead Mindys?
They're not dead, Mind.
It's just my personal
pile of perkiness.
Ar-ar-ar-ar!
Now, don't touch their
feet, Mind. Touch their feet?
I don't even wanna
touch the armoire.
What are they doing in there?
The elder made them.
The eld...? The elder's here?
Oh, he's upstairs right now,
cranking out some more.
Oh, we gotta stop him.
Up above, s...
Sir. What's wrong?
I'm a failure, Mork.
An 87-year-old has-been.
I tried to recreate a
Mindy. I really tried.
But all I could make
were cheap imitations,
like this one.
Well, sir, this is her.
This is the real McConnell.
Please, Mork. Please, Mork.
Don't humor me.
Suddenly I feel very old.
Awwww.
The soft-lapped
one. It's really you.
Well, of course it's me.
Uh, welcome to Earth, uh... Ugh.
Um...
What are all those, eh,
me's doing in the closet?
Oh, Mind, Mind, don't blame him.
I asked him to make them for
me because I really missed you.
Well, I missed you too,
Mork, but that's a little strange.
I mean, they look just like me.
That's just on the outside,
not the part we really missed.
I've learned a valuable lesson:
Humans aren't
toys to tinker with.
Seeing you again
is the best birthday present
I could possibly have.
Oh, it's your birthday?
Oh, happy birthday.
If I were only 30
bleams younger,
I'd still be too old for you.
(laughs)
Well, uh, what
about all the Mindys?
Oh, I'll take them back
to Ork for scientific study.
You can keep the one upstairs.
Upstairs? You... You mean
there's another one up in the attic?
Yes, except she didn't
turn out exactly as I hoped.
Let me introduce you.
Oh, Mindy. Mindy!
(deep voice): Hi,
Mork. Big kiss.
(upbeat theme playing)
(upbeat theme playing)
MORK: Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson. Come
in, Your Jelly-bellyness.
You like that one, Beebs?
(gurgling) Does that
tickle your fancy?
I got a million of
them. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
ORSON: And I've
heard them all. Twice.
Get to your report, Mork.
Oh, yes, sir, Your Snippiness.
This week, sir, I've prepared
a very special report for you.
I finally found out
what distinguishes
one Earthling from another.
Funny. They all
look alike to me.
Oh, that may be true,
mein hippodrome.
But every person has something
that makes him unique
and very, very special.
It's called a personality.
Could you show me
one? Well, um, no, sir.
It's not something
you could see or touch,
but it's something that reaches
out and touches other people.
It's... It makes each one of
them very, very, very different.
Isn't that inefficient?
Oh, you bet, sir,
but that's what makes life on
this planet so darn interesting.
You see, sir, thanks
to personalities,
even the most identical
twin is not the same.
Even the shortest person
can stand out in a crowd.
They all may have the same
number of chromosomes,
but each person has
his own designer genes.
♪ Ooh, la-la, na-no ♪
♪ Ooh, la-la, na-no ♪
Until next week,
sir, na-no, na-no.
(upbeat theme playing)
(upbeat theme playing)