Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 14 - Mork Meets Robin Williams - full transcript

Well, I know he's a big star.

That's why I want
to interview him for KTNS.

Oh, I have to go through
his manager, Mr. Morra. I see.

Well, could you have
Mr. Morra's secretary return my call?

Okay, very good. Thank you.

I wonder if Woodward
and Bernstein had this much trouble

trying to get to Nixon.

How do you like these new threads,
Mind? Aren't they incredible?

Do you think
it's more Sears or GQ?

- What are you so dressed up for?
- It's picture day at the daycare center.

- How do I look?
- Oh, you look real nice.



Except don't forget
to hold in your stomach.

- What are you dressed up for?
- I've got a big interview today.

- How do I look?
- Oh, real nice.

But don't forget
to hold in your thighs.

Who are you gonna interview today?

Oh, Mork, I'm so excited.

Dewey Fishbeck, our feature writer,
is out with the mumps.

And Mr. Sternhagen, my boss,
wants me to interview

you'll never guess who.

Let me try. Rula Lenska.

No.

Menachem Begin.

No. Give up?

Yeah, I don't know who it is.
Who is it?



Who, who, who, Mind?

Robin Williams.

Who?

Robin Williams.

What's so funny about that?

Does he really call himself Robin?

Well, yeah.

Do you know
what robin means on Ork?

No.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Don't look at me.
I didn't give him that smutty name.

His parents must have had
a sense of humor, though, Mind.

I can't believe
you've never heard of him.

He's a comedian.

He's a star of TV,
movies and nightclubs.

In fact, he's in town right now
doing a big solar energy benefit.

Well, I still don't know
what the big deal is, Mind.

Why do you want to talk to him?

Well, a lot of people on Earth

are real interested
to hear what stars have to say.

I'm waiting for his manager
to call me back

to set up an appointment right now.

You know,
you look a little bit like him.

Me-o?

Yeah, you-o.

I'm gonna get his album.
I wanna show you.

You're not gonna believe this.

Yeah, you look a lot like him.

Come on now, Mind. This guy's
gonna drown if he goes out in the rain.

Oh, come on, Mind.

Scoff, scoff.
I mean, April Frinkle's Day.

Come on, Mork,
you look exactly like him.

Oh, now, come on now, Mind,
look at that there, look at that.

He looks like he does his hair
with a Cuisinart.

And he's got a road map for eyes.

You could pack a family
in that nose, Mind.

Look at that mouth too.

They had to airbrush his entire face.
Are you kidding?

Mind, listen, I'm bright and cheery.
This guy's got big problems.

Where is the interview
with Robin Williams?

Well, I've been having
a little trouble with that.

He won't return any of my calls.

I mean, how do you reach
someone who's inaccessible?

Inaccessible?

Last night, Mr. Williams dropped in
to the Comedy Cabaret

and performed for nothing.

Well, how was I supposed to know?

Well, even I knew about it.
I heard it from Armondo.

Who's Armondo?

The fellow fumigating my office.

He got to see
one of Robin Williams' shows?

No. Mr. Williams mentioned it
to Armondo today over lunch.

Robin introduced himself
to everyone at DaVinci's Restaurant.

He was at Remo
and Jeanie's restaurant?

Oh, friends of yours?

Not anymore.

Okay. I'll get
that interview somehow.

- You can count on me.
- Good.

The owner of the station
is putting pressure on me.

And you know
how I handle pressure.

Hey, Mindy. Done with this?

No.

Jeanie, I'm mad at you.

At me? Why? What did I do?

You knew I've been trying to get
an interview with Robin Williams.

He was here yesterday
and you didn't call me.

Oh, no. Oh, Mindy, I am really sorry.

It was crazy in here. It was...

Oh, I'm sorry.
Could you forgive me?

Oh, all right.

Hi, scouts. What's going on?

The place is so crowded
I had to park in the back.

Yeah, me too.

Robin Williams came in here
for lunch yesterday.

Everybody's waiting
for him to come back.

How tacky.

Mindy, what are you doing here?

Tackily waiting for him
to come back.

Could you come over?
We have a lot of customers.

I know.
This is a new experience for me.

Mindy McConnell,
I'm ashamed of you.

Hanging around here
like some kind of groupie.

Now, that hurts, Nelson.

I'm supposed to interview Robin
for the station.

And it seems like everybody in town
has met him except me.

Well, I'm sure you're exaggerating.

Hey, guys, did you see these Polaroids
they have of me and Robin Williams?

That's us.

There's Robin and Jeanie.

There's Robin and Armondo.
You know, the bug guy?

Good picture.

The bug man
gets to meet Robin Williams.

I should have taken fumigation
in college.

Excuse me.

I have to go. I'm getting a headache.

Boy, is she upset.

Yeah, look at this one.

Picture of Robin autographing
the chopped liver with his finger.

I'm having this one Perma Plaqued.

Good penmanship.
Look, he made a happy face in the O.

Excuse me. For the owner of the car
with the New Mexico license plate,

please claim your car
at the bottom of the hill.

You forgot to set your handbrake.

Look, everyone, it's Robin.

Robin!

My name is Mork.
Watch your language.

Robin!

So that's Robin Williams, huh?

You know,
you're gonna think I'm crazy,

but he looks a little bit like Mork.

You're right. I think you're crazy.

Oh, look, they caught him.

No big deal. With the money
he makes, he can afford new clothes.

They really shouldn't
toss him up in the air like that.

Well, tell Mr. Williams
that Barbara Walters called.

And when he calls back,
he should ask for my secretary, Mindy.

Thank you.

Come on in, Mr. Sternhagen.

Thank you.

Where'd she go?

Mr. Sternhagen,
did you just come from lunch?

Yes.

And I know you can't tell it,

but I had two or three little drinks.

And do you know why?

Why?

I knew I was in trouble
when Mrs. Ovitz,

the woman who owns the station,
plied me with drinks at lunchtime.

She said if we don't
get the interview, I'm out.

And if I'm out…

Guess who's going with me?

Me.

No.

You.

Mr. Sternhagen,
I have tried everything.

- I tried lying.
- That's good.

- And I tried bribery.
- Oh, that's real good.

I even went as far
as trying to buy tickets to his concert

so I could sneak backstage
to meet him, but they're sold-out.

Well, you're in a predic...
You're in a predic...

You're up a creek, kiddo.

The same thing happened to me
in New York

when I was big in the network.

The president said
I had to deliver someone or I was out.

I was out.

Well, what did you do?

Does this look like New York here?

Well, I gotta get go...

I better go.

I'm gonna leave now.

- Mr. Sternhagen.
- Yes?

Did you drive?

Oh, yes. That's my little beauty
parked out there in your hedge.

Well, I don't think you should drive.
I think you should take a little nap.

I can do that while I'm driving.

No. Why don't you come with me?

I think you should go right in there.

Well, will you please fix me
some cookies and warm bourbon?

- Don't panic.
- I'm not panicking.

You have no reason to panic, Mind.
They're not after you.

Who's after you and why?

The entire town, Mind.
They know I'm an alien.

They chased me.
They tore my clothes.

They pursued me
with fountain pens.

Just because I'm different doesn't
make me a bad guy, does it?

I mean, I say my prayers,
I pet my vegetables.

I put my pants on
like everybody else, headfirst.

Mork, how could they find out
you're an alien?

I don't know. I don't know.

But they called me filthy names.

Did they call you Robin?

That's disgusting.

Mork, they think
you're Robin Williams.

Who?

Robin Williams,
the guy who looks like you.

Oh, you mean that bozo
on the album?

Yeah.

Oh, no, Mind,
I don't look anything like him.

They know I'm an alien.
They're onto me.

If they catch me,
they're gonna tar and feather me

and put me on That's Incredible!

They'll put me on that.

I'm telling you,
they think you're Robin Williams.

Mind, now, assuming you're right...
Which I think you're way off base.

You're like in left field going,
"Where am I? Where am I?"

...would they tear
Robin Williams' clothes off?

- Yes.
- But you told me they liked him.

Well, they do.
That's why they want his clothes.

And if they didn't like him,
boy, he'd be in real trouble.

He'd be jacked up on four blocks
with nothing left but his kneecaps.

Well, it's not quite like that either.

Why don't you come with me tonight?
You'll see how much you look like him.

I've gotta go to the auditorium
and try to interview him.

- It's my last shot.
- What are you gonna do, Mind?

Oh, hang around the stage door
till he shows up.

Like some groupie?

Exactly.

Well, I'll go with you as your escort,
but I've gotta get disguised, Mind.

I tell you, they're onto me.
They know I'm an alien.

Mork, I wish you'd take off
the silly-looking glasses.

It's a perfect disguise, Mind.
Everyone thinks I'm from L.A.

Watch this. Excuse me, sir.

I just want you to know that there are
no aliens from outer space in this area.

- For sure.
- Mork.

Your disguise
is starting to attract attention.

Now, you'd be much
less conspicuous

if you'd take off the nose, pull down
your hat and turn up your collar.

- Trust me.
- Mind.

- Trust me.
- But, Mind…

- Do you trust me?
- Oh, Mind.

All right.

- For you.
- There.

Look, it's him, Robin Williams.

Stay back. Break it up.

Right this way, Mr. Williams.

No, wait. I'm with him.

- Is she with you, sir?
- Trust me, Mind.

- I've never seen this woman in my life.
- What?

Just kidding, officer.

It's actually my brother.
He likes to dress up a little bit.

Come along, Roland.

Here's your dressing room,
Mr. Williams.

If there's anything I can do,
let me know.

Yeah, a new pair of retinas
would be very nice, please.

Hard to believe you get paid for that.

Do you believe it, Mork?

We're in Robin Williams'
dressing room.

And we're about to meet him.

I don't know what the big deal
is all about.

Are you kidding, Mork?

People stand in line for hours
just to get a glimpse of a star,

let alone meet one.

And we're about to meet a big star.

Poor little starstruck Mind.

Now, calm that
perky little heart of yours.

Don't you understand that a star's
just a big ball of glowing hot gas?

He's just an ordinary human being

who's been hyped
by an advertising campaign.

Personally, I'd rather be at home
right now flossing my ears.

Hello.

You know, you look a lot like…

No, he's a woman now.

Excuse me, Mr. Williams,

but I have a big, big, big favor
to ask of you.

I know you don't know me
and I don't wanna impose,

but I'm supposed to get an interview
with you for KTNS,

and if I don't, I'll be fired.

Yeah.
This has been a bad year for her.

She bet on Carter, Roberto Duran
and she had to buy Chrysler stock too.

Well, I got a minute.

My manager's not here.
And sure, why not?

Thank you. I can't believe it.

Oh, thank you.
You're doing me such a big favor.

I don't believe it.

This is my friend, Mork.

Hello.

And I'm Mindy McConnell.

You're not from the Enquirer,
are you?

Pardon me?

- Little joke.
- No.

Boy, you sure are
a hard man to get in touch with.

You have tighter security
than the pope.

She couldn't get past
your manager's

secretary's secretary's secretary's
answering machine.

Mork, would you please…?

Sorry, Mind.

I know you've probably been asked
this question a lot,

but what's it like to be a celebrity?

Well, not bad, really.

It's nice when you get into restaurants
at those really chichi places

where they wouldn't even
let you wash the floors before.

I have another question now,
a little fashion byline.

- Why do you wear baggy pants?
- I don't want a visible panty line.

There's your headline
right there, Mind:

"Robin Williams, kinky."

You're a member of the brotherhood
of Bozo. Why do you wear them?

That's where I keep my bees.

Do you mind?

Back off. Back off, yeah.

Mr. Williams, I don't know
how you keep up the pace.

I mean, you arrived from Hawaii,
fly all night

and then go straight to the university
and lecture for three hours.

Oh, that was a fluke, you see.

The pilot of the flight I was on
has a daughter

who attends drama class here.

He asked if I'd talk to her class
to return his favor.

What was the favor?

Well, he said if I'd lecture,
he'd pull out of the dive.

Interesting concept, Mind.
Blackmail by gravity.

Write that down. That's news, news.

But then after the lecture

you performed until 3 a.m.
at the Comedy Cabaret.

And now you're doing
two shows tonight.

Well, two reasons:

See, I'm a performing addict.
I can't get enough of it.

Also the owner
of the Comedy Cabaret

is a friend of a cousin of a friend
of a friend and so on and so on.

- Well, I couldn't say no.
- Gee, that's a great angle for my story.

Robin Williams,
the comedian who can't say no.

Excuse me. My dinner flew away.

You mind if I have
some of your star munchies?

Sure, why not?

I was hoping
you'd go for the trail mix.

I can't believe this man
is actually grazing in front of me.

Well, back to you.
I'm sorry to avoid you.

I don't know why I can't say no.

I guess I want people to like me.

I hate myself for that.

But I used to be able to say no.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, before
all this craziness started,

my friends used to call up and go:

"Robin, come on.
We're all going outside.

There's some gnarly waves
and we can hang out."

And I have to go:

"No, my mama said I have to stay
inside and read Nietzsche tonight."

Later on, I guess I felt really afraid
to say no to them

because then they'd all say like:

"Oh, Robin Williams,
Mr. Smarty-Pants-Big-Shot, wow,"

you forgot your old friends.

You can't lend me $10,000
for a new car.

"You won't do
the Save the Shrimp benefit."

This is none of my business,
but it seems like

if they're really your friends,
they'd understand.

But it seems to me
you can't say no to a total stranger.

You're right.

It also looks like you're probably
taken advantage of a lot.

If you learned to say no,

you'd probably have
a lot more time to yourself.

Maybe that's the last thing I want.

Come in.

- Five minutes, Mr. Williams.
- Thank you.

You didn't get much of an interview.
I hope you're not disappointed.

Disappointed, are you kidding?

You're breaking
her perky little heart.

Listen, if it means that much to you,
tell you what I'm gonna do for you.

I'll put off my flight.

Tomorrow morning
when my manager's asleep,

I'll sneak down to the TV station and
do an on camera interview with you.

You'd do
an on camera interview with me?

Oh, I can't believe it.

I was just supposed to write this up
and let the anchorman read it.

Oh, that is so nice. I can't believe it.

Oh, wait a minute.
No, I can't do that.

Oh, yeah, that's kind of a bad time
for me too. How about next July?

No, Mork.

We were just talking about
how you can't say no.

I'm not gonna be another person
just to take advantage of you.

Oh, don't worry about that.
I'll learn to say no some other time.

Come on,
watch the show from the wings.

Excuse me.
One thing before you go.

Today I was chased by a mob
who wanted to tear my clothes off.

Is it because
they say I look like you?

Well, there's kind of a resemblance.

Sounds like you just went through
Celebrity 1 A. How'd it feel?

Oh, it was frightening.

Why do you want to take a job where
they tear your clothes and throw you?

Well, actually,
I became a performer by accident.

My dad used to have this job
where he had to move around a lot.

Sometimes he'd leave
the forwarding address.

Oh, he didn't do that.

No, you're right. I was kidding.

Actually, he packed me
in the crates with the dishes.

What a guy, Mind.

Anyway, I was always being like
the new kid in the neighborhood.

Well, since I was suffering
from a case of the terminal shy,

I couldn't make friends that easily.

And I spent a lot of time in my room
and I created my own little world,

full of, like, all these little characters
that had strange, unusual qualities.

After a while, I realized

people found these characters
funny and outrageous.

Then it got to the point
where I realized

that the characters could say and do
things I was afraid to do myself.

And after a little while, here I am.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Robin Williams.

We're on.

Take care. Wish me luck.

- Good luck.
- Listen to that applause.

Something like that might make
torn clothes worthwhile, Mind.

Let's go.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Your Cinerama-ness.

Just get on with your report, Mork.

Oh, yes, sir. This week, sir, I learned
what it's like to be famous on Earth.

That's good.

Sometimes it is
and sometimes it isn't.

You see, most Earthlings try very hard
to be recognized for what they do,

but when they become stars, sir,

they realize they're recognized
wherever they go.

You mean they lose their privacy?

Well, sir, sometimes they can
even lose their clothes.

You see, being a star, sir,
is a 24-hour job

and you can't leave your face
at the office.

Isn't fame its own reward?

Oh, yes, sir, it is.

When you're a celebrity,
everybody wants a piece of you.

Unless you can say no,
there will be no pieces left for yourself.

I thought all stars were rich,
live in mansions and drive big eggs.

I know, sir,
that's the common misconception.

But you see, to get that,
you have to pay a very heavy price.

You have responsibilities, anxieties.

To be honest, sir,
some of them can't take it.

- I'm not buying it, Mork.
- Why, sir?

It sounds to me
like they have it made.

Well, most of them do, sir,

but some are victims
of their own fame.

Very special and talented people.

People like Elvis Presley,
Marilyn Monroe,

Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix,

Lenny Bruce, Freddie Prinze

and John Lennon.