Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 11 - Mork vs. the Necrotons: Part 1 - full transcript

MORK: Nanu, nanu.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( INDISTINCT CHATTER )

Boy, Nelson, what a turnout.

I'm really impressed.

I'm really shocked.

They came because
my advisor here

delivered my message
to the people.

Yeah. And his message was,
he was paying for lunch.

( LAUGHS )



Here's what it comes to.

Fine. I'll pay you next week.

Next week?

Sure. You can trust me.

You have my word
as a politician.

Drop those forks.
Kitchen's closed.

Take that wiener
out of your mouth.

Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

I was out polling
the neighborhood.

Why are you so out of breath?

Well, it was a Gallup Poll.

He's all yours.

Well, did you get
a good cross section?



I didn't want to discourage you,

so I just polled your friends.

Must have been, uh,
pretty one-sided.

Yeah, it doesn't look good.

Nelson, don't you think you
should start your speech?

Oh, yes. Uh, Mork,

would you mind introducing me
to the general electorate?

Is he here? I love what
he does with refrigerators.

( CHUCKLING ): I get it. Yeah.

Ah!

Ladies and gentlemen, please!

Can we have a moment here
for your attention? Thank you.

I'd like to introduce a man
that flattened me and my dreams,

and a man who will flatten
your dreams too.

Let's bring him up here.

Nelson Flavor,
the albino wonder.

Come on. Bring him up here!

( ALL APPLAUD )

( WHISTLING ) Thank you.

Thank you. Come on, now.

Here we go.

No pictures, please.
It hurts his little, pink eyes.

Come on. Let's move.

Thank you.

Good morning all you
over-18ers, and welcome.

( RINGING )

Come on, Mork.

I can't help it, Mindy.
I got this ringing in my mouth.

As I was saying, ahem…

( RINGING )

Do something about it.

I think Orson's
trying to call me, Min.

( RINGING )

Excuse me.

Mork, why are you ringing?

Because my knocker's broke.

Well, since you're
the sergeant at arms,

why don't you
throw yourself out?

It would be my pleasure.
Will you come with me?

Will you call my lawyer,
Mindy…?

Come on.

Listen to me…

Let go of me.

( CHUCKLES )

ORSON: Orson calling Mork.

Come in, Mork.

Orson calling Mork.
Come in, Mork.

Oh, yo, sir. What's up?

You never used
the day rates before.

We've got big trouble.

Right here in Boulder City?

Mork, this is deadly serious.

A spaceship from the planet
Necroton landed on Earth.

Oh, no, not the Necrotons.
Our archenemies?

No, they're a hockey team.

Of course
they're our archenemies.

Oh, good retort, sir.

That's one for you,
eight million for me.

This is no time to be cute.
They're after you.

Me? Why me, sir?

Because you're there.

They want to know
what you know about Earth

to see if it's worth conquering.

But I… I don't know anything
about them.

What do they look like?

I don't know.

No one's ever seen one
and lived.

For all I know,
they could look like anything

from a human
to a wedge of Velveeta.

Thanks a lot, sir.

That narrows it down
to everything.

Fortunately,
it's a limited threat.

The Necrotons can only survive
in Earth's atmosphere

for 24 hours.

All you have to do is what
any patriotic Orkan would do

in a time of war.

Hide.

Exactly. Sir.

Just remember, not only
is your life in danger,

but the lives
of every Earthling.

Well, too bad you're not here,
your tubby-tude.

We could all hide behind you.

Nanu, nanu.

Necrotons. Ha-ha!

I'm not afraid of them.

So in conclusion,

I want you to remember
my campaign theme:

A vote for Nelson Flavor

is a vote for me.

MAN: Hear, hear.

( ALL APPLAUD )

( INDISTINCT CHATTER )

Mo… Mork!

Min, I was working on
my impression of a turtle.

What is the matter
with you, Mork?

I mean, you've been weird
before, but never this weird.

Orson said the Necrotons
have landed and I've gotta hide.

The Necrotons have landed.

Of course.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about
our archenemies.

They're here, but I don't know
what they look like.

They could be anything.
They could even pose as food.

Hey, Mork, you want a snack?

( SHRIEKS )

What did you do that for?

It was self-defense.

Uh, he's not feeling too well.

Yeah, well,
neither is my antipasto.

I'll send her a card.

Min! Min, they could
be posing as anything.

That… That might be
the mothership.

( SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING )

Mork?

Mork, are you home?

Mork?

( MORK SHRIEKS ) ( SCREAMS )

What…? Mork!

Min, it's all right
for me to sit on my face,

but I don't think you can.

Will you get out of there?

You can't hide in there.

Now, will you tell me
what is going on here?

Well, all right, but I gotta
make it real quick.

( MUMBLING RAPIDLY )

Now, what would you do
in this situation?

I would slow down
and speak more clearly

- so I could understand.
- All right.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I was just a little panicked.

Here's the straight poop.

Well, you know,

the Necrotons are the scourge
of the universe.

Now, you know
that Orkans have emotions.

Well, Necrotons only have
three emotions:

Hate, lust, and greed.

No love?

No way.

And ever since I can remember,

Ork has been at war with them.

But I thought all Orkans
were pacifists.

We are. That's why
every time we go to war,

we have to go into hiding.

Claude Rains would be
one of our national heroes.

Now, you see, all we have to do
is hide long enough,

then they get tired,
and they go away.

Huh.

Well, what do they want
with you?

Well, I think they want
my reports to Orson.

You see, they want to find out

whether Earth is worth
destroying or not.

( GASPS ):
They want to destroy the Earth?

Why?

Well, I guess
it keeps them busy, Min.

I don't know.

Well, I got to find
someplace to hide, Min.

Yeah, but…

No, I can't hide in there.

I've been out of the closet
for a year now.

Yes! I'll use
one of your dresses.

Mm-hm. Hm-hm! I'll go incognito.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why…?
Why are you taking my dress?

What better way to hide
than your dress?

You know, hiding is a drag.

Well, Min, where did you
put those tapes

of Ethel Merman
Sings Led Zeppelin?

Mork, where are you gonna go?

I don't know. I mean, someplace
where no one ever goes.

The frozen tundra,
the barren desert,

a Mike Curb rally.

Isn't there anything
I can do to help?

Oh, don't worry. Necrotons can't
breathe Earth's atmosphere

for more than 24 hours.

I mean, I'll be back tomorrow,
unless, well…

Unless they find me.

But what'll they do
if they catch you?

Well, people who have dealt
with Necrotons have a saying:

( SCREAMS )

No, wait.

Wait a minute, Mork.
Look at it this way.

I mean, there's over
70,000 people

that live here in Boulder, and…
And so they'd never find you

if you just stayed here.

Good old logical Min,
you old palooka.

You're right. I mean, the odds
of them finding me here

in this particular room
in the next 24 hours are…

( IMITATES COMPUTER HUM )

Three hundred and sixty-two
million to one.

See? ( CHUCKLES )

( SCREAMS )

( SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING )

Must be my lucky day.

MORK: Oh.

Einstein was right, Min.
Space is curved.

I am Captain Nirvana
of the Necroton black army.

Kama, Sutra, fall in.

Orkan, you have
exactly five seconds

to get your meaningless life
together in one bucket.

Min, those are Necrotons.

They're as mean
as they are ugly.

MORK: No, stay away. Stay back.

Ah.

I'm going to get
all the information you have

out of your little pea-brain.

It's up to you, bright eyes.
It can come out of your mouth,

or I'll, uh,
suck it out your ear.

They mean business, Min.

Hope this room is Scotchgarded.

Mork, do something.

I am, Min. I'm shaking
as fast as I can.

You can't just barge in here
and suck out his brain.

( LAUGHS )

Orkan, curb your pet.

Pet? Min, Min, heel, girl.

Heel. Heel. Heel.

Don't worry about them. I'll
guard us with a force field.

( SQUEALS )

( LAUGHS )

See that, Min?
She's frozen in her tracks.

- She won't thaw for months.
- ( GASPS )

Is it spring already?

Your silly, little Orkan weapons

are useless against us.

Mork, run for it!

Silence the pet.

I'll pet you, you bimbo!

( PULSING TONE )

Mork, I'm trapped!

Oh. It's not that bad.

We'll have her housebroken
in a month or so.

Come on. Let her go, please!

Private, the transinducer.

The pink one? Or the yellow?

Oh, just give me one, you twit.

All right, you cute,
little hot potato,

you are going to be
under my power.

Ha-ha! I'm afraid
you've underestimated

the incredible, hulking will
of an Orkan.

I scoff at your sparkling balls.

Ah! Bachelor number one,
if we were to go Tijuana…

All right, take him
to the spacecraft.

( MORK MUMBLES )

( CHUCKLES )

Aw, don't worry
about your master.

He's gonna be just fine
in our little torture chamber.

( GASPS )

Hm.

Must be the runt of the litter.

( SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( HIGH-PITCHED WHIRRING )

( WHIRRING DECREASES )

( WHIRRING FADES )

( GASPS )

That was good.

I never knew you had a talent
for pantomime.

No, uh, Mork… I… Uh…

Nelson, you gotta help me.

Uh, Mork was kidnapped.

Kidnapped? Yeah!

They, uh… They came in here,

and they blew the door
off the wall,

and then they carried him away.

Dastardly! Who did it?

Three gorgeous,
voluptuous women.

That'd get my goat.

No!

No. They… They're vicious
and violent,

and they're gonna do something
awful to him.

Like what?

Well…

Um…

I can't tell you.

Could you act it out?

Oh!

Oh, Nelson,
I don't know what to do.

Nobody's supposed to know.

This is no stranger here.

This is Nelson talking.

First cousin, same flesh.

Hey, hey, hey,

remember when we were kids

and I confided to you

that I put the goldfish
in Mom's clam chowder?

Hm?

Well, you owe me one.

You're not
gonna believe me anyway.

If you want me to help you,
you've gotta level with me.

Oh, all right.

Um… uh…

Mork was kidnapped
by three creatures

from this planet
called Necroton,

who came to Earth
to suck out his brain

and to… And to invade…

To destroy our entire planet.

( WHIMPERS )

You can tell Mom about
the fish in the chowder.

Ooh! Nelson, it's true!

I was trapped behind
a force field right here,

Well, somewhere, but…
But it was here.

And then this…
Mindy, I understand.

It's not easy
being a single woman

in the Now Generation.

You've got career
versus marriage,

tradition versus liberation,

pregnancy versus being careful.

Nelson!

The stress is too much,
isn't it?

I'm telling you the truth.

Stress can do funny things,

like put the door on the couch.

Remember how Mom
used to bend spoons?

She'd bend them
and bend them and bend them…

Nelson!

Look, I mean, you know me.

I'm… I'm good old logical,
reliable Mindy.

I wouldn't make up
something like this.

All right. I'll help you.

You will?

First, we'll get you to
a nice home in the country,

far away from the urban hubbub.

Why?

For your mental
and my political health.

I'll pay for everything.

Are you saying that I'm crazy?

Well, Mindy,

"crazy" is a relative term.

And as Jimmy probably said

of brother Billy,

"Why my relative?"

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( PULSATING NOISE )

NECROTON LEADER: Just think,

we wouldn't have even known

of the existence of Earth

if we hadn't found
those two Bogart films

when we pillaged
the planet Ovits.

Have they been much help to you?

Not much, sir.

You see, it's not accurate
information.

First of all, the Earth
isn't even in black and white.

Then it's essential we capture
the Orkan for the information.

Yes. I've already done so, sir.

In fact, he's in the spaceship
right now.

Excellent. You must extract
every report he's ever made

to his home planet.

I hope you can handle this,
Captain Nirvana.

Yes, sir. I appreciate
your confidence in me, sir.

I have no confidence in you.

The only reason
you got the assignment

is everyone else
is out with the flu.

Well, uh… Uh, don't worry.

I won't let you down.

As they say on Earth,
"Here's looking at you, kid."

( COMPUTER BEEPS ) Private Kama,

bring in the prisoner.

Oh, I can handle this.
I know I can.

( DOOR HISSES OPEN )

( MOANING )

Aah! Oh!

( MOANING )

Why are you making
all those noises?

We haven't even done
anything yet.

I know that. I'm trying
to make you feel guilty.

It's an old Jewish trick.

( DOOR HISSES )

All right, smart guy,
turn around.

Hands in the air.

What are you gonna do to me?

Why, I'm going to search you
for secret weapons.

( MOANS )

Nothing here.

Turn around.

( MOANS )

( BELL RINGS )

Ooh! Oh!

You seem to have rung my bells.

What are you hiding
in your pocket?

Is that a secret weapon?

No, harmless stuff.

I'm just glad to be here.

No… No, uh, it… It's a yo-yo.

Yo-yo.

Oh, yes. We…

We have something
like this on our planet,

but without the string.

How do you get it to come back?

Well, we don't.

It's never been a big seller.

Oh, and here's something
very special.

This is chewing gum.

Yes, we have that on Necroton.

You put it in your mouth
and you chew.

Your mouth?

Uh, well, I suppose
that would work too.

You're not gonna get anything
out of me!

I'm never gonna tell you
anything!

We'll see. Ar-ar-ar!

What would you say if I told you

that we're going to put you
on a rack

and stretch your body

till your tiny,
little bones crack?

I'd love it.
I'd look like Tommy Tune.

All right, then,

maybe I'll just
hang you up by your feet

until your spleen
slips out your nose.

Just so happens
that's a hobby of mine.

Then you're gonna love it when
I wrap a rope around your neck

and start your head up
like an outboard motor.

Ha-ha! That old Orkan
party trick?

Of course you don't realize
that we Orkans scoff at pain.

Ar-ar-ar-ar-ar!

All right, the jig is up.

( BEEPING )

NIRVANA:
You'll spill your guts now.

Oh, no!

A torture chamber.
The ultimate Ramada Inn!

I've gotta get out of here!

Oh, no, the Supremes!

We know one thing about
you little, sissy Orkans,

and that is you can't stand

any intensive physical pleasure.

Ha-ha!

We'll have you
moaning for mercy.

MORK: Oh, no. No!

( MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING )

Romantic music, soft lighting.

Oh, no!

Not the hot tub!
Not the hot tub!

Yes. Get behind the modesty
screen and drop 'em.

You'll never get away with this.

If I don't come home, every cop
in Boulder will be on your tail.

What's a supper?

What's a cop? What's a Boulder?

What's the difference?

( SIGHS ) How should we start?

Maybe we should
rub him down with baby oil.

Baby oil? No, no.

That'll leave a slick
in the hot tub.

What are you doing?

Well,

I'm stalling for time.

Snap it up. I have a planet
to destroy.

MORK: All right. I'm…

Uh, suspenders.

( CHUCKLES )

Moral support.

Pants.

( SNAPPING )

( PANTING ): Hold on.

Okay…

( MUTTERING )

Are you finished?

Well, I think so.

Then haul it out here, toots.

Why aren't you naked?

Well, I am.
This is just a tattoo.

All right, you Orkan dog…

I'm not an Orkan dog!
They have three legs

and fall over every fourth step.

Why don't you save yourself
a lot of pleasure, hm?

Talk.

Never! Never! My Earth files
are top-secret.

All right. Kama, Sutra, sic him.

( AS MR. BILL ):
Oh, no, Mr. Bill!

Oh! Listen, wait a minute!

Under the Jupiter Convention
I'm entitled to one last meal.

Well, all right.
What would you like?

Something to go.

No! No! I'll never
tell you anything!

Tickle him.

( LAUGHING )

( SNAPS ) Oh!

Hm. I must say
he has a lot more spunk

than I gave him credit for.

Let's just get right
to the A stuff

and throw him in the hot tub.

No!

No!

No, these are my new tennies!

No! No!

( SHRIEKING )

Ah, I love my work.

What's in that?

Bubble bath. Oh!

( WAILING )

Oh, you're cruel!

Sutra, blow in his ear.

No! No!

Kama, darling,
kiss his little neck.

No! Don't leave a mark.

Oh! Oh!

Now, hold him down.

I want to read to him.

Oh, reading can't hurt me.

I've been to Evelyn Wood.

Oh, no?

What about smutty limericks?

- No, you're despicable!
- You're despicable!

There once was a lady
From Nezzum.

Whose butt was as big…

No! No!

( GASPS )

Yeah! Hey!

That was a library book.

We're wasting time,
Your Highness.

The Orkan doesn't seem
to be breaking.

Yes. Put him on the trembler.

No!

No one has ever been able
to endure that.

What's a trembler?

The doomsday machine.

( BEEPS )

Oh, no, magic fingers.

( BEEPS )

He'll talk now.

( MOANS )

- Oh, think bowling.
- Think bowling.

Think baseball.
Think Tom Snyder.

He's formed a mental block.

We can't break through.

He's tougher and smarter
than I thought.

There's only one way
to break through.

- Leave him alone with me.
- ( SNAPS FINGERS )

( DOOR HISSES )

( BEEPS )

I'm sorry you did that.
I forgot to close my eyes.

Oh,

you've been through such a lot.

Oh, yeah. War is hell, isn't it?

Oh, you poor thing.

You know, this is very hard
for a Necroton to say,

but, well, I…

I'm… I'm really sorry.

Oh, I thought being a Necroton

meant never having to say sorry.

But you don't understand.

This is my last chance.

If I don't suck out your brain
and destroy the Earth,

well, I'm… I'm…

( WHIMPERS ):
I'm gonna lose my job.

Oh, you poor kid. I'm sorry
I was such a pillar of strength.

And those vultures are just
waiting for me to slip up

so that they can come in
and move into my boots.

Oh, gee, I… I didn't know
mindless destruction

was such a competitive field.

You know, sometimes…

Sometimes I just wanna
chuck the whole thing

and kidnap a family
I could call my own.

Oh.

I hate to see
a barbarian unemployed.

Tell you what.

I'll tell you everything I know.

Oh. How can I ever thank you?

Well, a simple goodbye
would be nice.

Just give me any little old
piece of secret information

that you have for my report.

For instance, these people,
the Americans,

who is their leader?

Well, they've been trying to
figure that one out for years.

Um, they pick a new leader,
though, every four years.

How do they do that?

With a wet T-shirt contest.

What are the duties
of this leader?

Well, every spring he throws
out the first baseball.

After that,
he throws out his cabinet.

And he tries to make everything
perfectly clear,

except for the atmosphere
and the water.

And in cases
of national emergency,

he takes immediate action and
books himself a trip overseas.

Well, all leaders are alike,
but what about the people?

Tell me about the people.

You want to know
about all of them?

Uh-huh. All right.

I guess I better start
with the A's.

First of all,
there's Aaron Ackalala.

He was born in Hawaii.

He has two children,
Allen and Arthur.

Allen has a tattoo
on his forearm of Jack Lord

with the inscription, "Why'd
you leave the show, Danno?"

And his…

And his favorite quotation is…

( IMITATES LUAU MUSIC )

His other son
now raises herbs on Maui.

Uh, how many people
are there on this planet?

Well, four billion,
and would you believe it?

They all sleep laying down.

But to really understand
this planet,

you must participate in one
of their sacred Earth rituals.

It's entitled Simon Says.

You must do everything
that Simon says.

I'm ready. All right.

Simon says close your eyes.

Simon says spin around twice.

Simon says take one step up.

What's the object of this game?

To win. Simon says you lose.

Oh! Why,

you dirty rat! You'll never
get away with this. Oh!

Nanu. A privilege
dealing with you.

Come back here!

( SNICKERS )

( AS BOGART ):
So long, sweetheart.

Don't take wooden dollars.

( NORMAL VOICE ):
Yeah, that's right.

Let me go!

Unhand me!

Kama, Sutra, help!

( DOOR HISSES ) Oh!

Aah!

( BEEPS ) What happened?

Oh, I just accidentally
backed into the machine.

Where's the Orkan?

Oh, he just accidentally
ran out the door.

Uh, but we'll catch him again.
Don't worry.

Anyway, I've got
some really juicy information

that I… That I know
will please our leader.

( SIGHS )

( BEEPS )

( TAPE REWINDING )

NECROTON LEADER:
Fool, you blew it again.

It's all meaningless drivel.

The Orkan has tricked you.

But I tortured him
all over the place.

Let me talk to him.

Well, he, uh…
He ran away, but…

But we'll get him back.

You imbecilia,

Orkans are the best hiders
in the universe.

You'll never catch him now
that he knows you're after him.

I have a plan.
Oh, boy, do I have a plan.

Uh, I'm gonna make him
come to me.

You better, captain,
or you'll be space dust.

( COMPUTER BEEPS )

What are you going to do?

He seemed very attached
to his pet.

Yes, I believe
he called it "Mindy."

Catch her. Bring her here.

We're gonna have a lot of fun.

I think I'll keep her
little foot for my key chain.

( SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

KAMA: Captain Nirvana!

Captain Nirvana!

What took you so long?

Well, the pet was a little
hard to handle.

It bites.

Bite me and I'll remove
your cheeks.

Leave us alone.

Who do you think you are?

I mean, you…
You break down my door,

you mess up my house,
you kidnap my best friend and…

And now you threaten my cheeks?

I mean, you're pushing me
too far.

Well, if you think
you're pushed too far,

my job's on the line.

Oh, I never wanted
to be in the military

in the first place.

For one thing, you have to wear
these drab uniforms.

I don't know. I mean,
who could look good in this?

The bass player from Kiss?

Will you get in the cage?

Wait, wait… Wait a minute.

Uh, uh, maybe you and I
could be friends.

Friends?

Yeah. Like, if we were friends,

we'd do nice things
for each other,

like, uh, I might lend you
my best purse,

and you might not kill me.

Well, it's a cute idea,

but I don't think
it'll catch on.

No, no, wait! Think about it.

I'll bet you deep down inside,
you and I are a lot alike.

I doubt it.

Uh, what do you plan
to do with me?

Well, I haven't
made up my mind yet,

but right now I need you
for bait for your master.

He is not my master.

And how do you even know
he's gonna come here?

Well, I don't know.
It's just a hunch.

But I got a feeling
he's got a yen for you.

( CLICKS TONGUE )

It's called friendship,

but obviously
you wouldn't understand.

Well, whatever. But what is it?

You've never had a friend?

Well, I…

I once felt something

for a man named Torga
from the planet Lepto.

Torga from Lepto?

You know him?

No.

Just the name.

Oh.

Well, anyway, he was…

Well, he was a wonderful
kind of guy.

I mean, he had long,
beautiful hair

and a flowing red beard.

He was… He was, well,
so nice and warm.

Really?
Whatever happened to him?

I had him made into a jacket.

And there's something
about Mork too.

Of course, he wouldn't make
a very good jacket,

but I like him anyway.

Well, if you like him so much,
why don…?

Why don't you just let him go?

Oh, well,
it's strictly business.

You see, after I get all
the information out of him,

maybe I won't destroy him.

Maybe I'll take him home with me
and donate him to the zoo.

Yeah, but if you do that,
you might as well kill him.

Okay.

Now, will you get in the cage?

I'm not getting in that cage.

How would you like
to get into something

a little more comfortable,
like thumbscrews?

If you need me,
I'll be on my perch.

( DRAMATIC THEME PLAYING )

MORK: Mindy? Where are you?

Min! Min!

( GROANS )

"While you were out." How nice.

"Dear Orkan swine,
we have captured your pet.

"If you value your life,
give yourself up.

"Otherwise,
we'll realign her head,

"steam-clean her thighs,
and rotate her limbs.

Yours truly, Nirvana."

Now, just remain calm.
Deep breathing.

( SHORT, SHALLOW BREATHS )

Remain calm.

Mork. Nelson!

Oh, Nelson, they got Mindy!

I was gonna get her
and rescue her,

but now it's too late!

It's my fault! It's my fault!

( SOBBING )
Hey, easy, easy, easy.

That's better.

( SOBS )

Nice outfit you got there.

Pretty boss threads.

I told Mindy you'd be back.

( LAUGHING ):
You're not gonna believe this.

You know what she said?

She said that you…

( LAUGHING ): Were captured

by three gorgeous women

from another planet.

( LAUGHING )

By the way, where were you?

I was captured by gorgeous women
from another planet.

( LAUGHING )

You crazy nut!

Where's Mindy?

She was captured by three
gorgeous girls…

BOTH: From another planet!

( BOTH LAUGH )

I get it! I get it!

The two of you are
in this together, right?

( LAUGHING ) No, no, no.

Nelson, no!

It's true! They captured me,

and they took me
to their spaceship.

Then they forced me to undress

and sit in a hot tub
with all of them.

A hot tub!

( LAUGHING )

I get it.

Candid Camera, right?

I heard it was coming back on.

Okay, Allen Funt,

come out wherever you are.

Oh, you're too much.

Well, goodbye, Mork.

Goodbye, Mr. Funt.

Let me know when I'm on.

Hi, Mom.

Three gorgeous girls
from another…

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

MINDY ( GASPING ): Mork!

Min! Shh!

You shouldn't have come here.

I couldn't leave you alone.

Oh, but Mork.
I'm only one person.

If they catch you, the whole
world is in danger.

I'm gonna get you out of here,
and if not,

- I've got a backup plan.
- What is it?

Remember how I told you that
the Necrotons are biodegradable.

They can only last on Earth
for 24 hours,

and after that, well, bing!

And by my calculations, they
only have a few minutes left.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, all we have to do
is just stall.

Hiya, toots. Hiya, boots.

Well, I see my plan worked.

I am executive timber.

I hope you get
executive termites.

Not nice.

All right.

I surrender. Let Mindy go.

Ha! Not a chance.

But we made a bargain.

So sue me.

There's something so nice
about omnipotence.

( GAGGING )

Ew! ( GAGGING COUGHS )

What's wrong with him?

Uh, he's… He's got something
caught in his throat,

and he'll die
unless you help him.

Oh, I need his brain.

I better cut his head off.

Oh… Oh, I don't know
what you did,

but you saved me.

Enough of your cheap
Orkan tricks.

Now, get in the cage
before I forget I'm a lady.

Uh, all right.

I didn't want to do this,
but according to cosmic rules,

and those dictated
by Prime Minister Fluffy,

I hereby challenge you
to a holotecker.

Ha! Sissy stuff.

I mean, if you really
want a duel,

let's go all the way.

The Battle of the Rose.

Uh-uh. Not the Battle
of the Rose.

( SNAPS )

What's the Battle of the Rose?

The greatest mental challenge
in the universe, Min.

Those with the strongest will
get to keep the rose.

This will be easier
than Bobbing for Martians.

( SIGHS )

All right, who starts?

I'll flip you for it.

Whoa!

Ugh!

Captain Nirvana
seems to have won the toss.

He has elected to receive.

It's time to begin the game
with a play-by-play now.

Five yards this way.

Good luck to the both of you.

( STRAINED GRUNT )

( HISSES )

( MORK MUTTERING )

( GRUNTS )

( TANGO THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT BIG BAND THEME
PLAYING )

( "TEA FOR TWO" PLAYING )

( UPBEAT ROCK 'N' ROLL
THEME PLAYS )

( UPBEAT GROOVY THEME PLAYING )

Ha-ha! You're pretty hot stuff,
but I won.

I've got the rose.

Ha-ha! But I won.
You're out of air and time.

Four, three, two, one.

Ha-ha! You're gone. Adiós.

Huevos rancheros,
albóndigas, and anon.

What are you talking about?

Well, you should have
deteriorated, but…

You're still here.
You only had 24 hours.

Oh, those were Necroton hours.

MINDY: Oh, excuse me.

Roughly how long
is that on Earth?

Nine hundred years.

Boy, if I'd known that,
I would have paced myself.

( DRAMATIC THEME PLAYING )

( HUMMING "NOBODY KNOWS
THE TROUBLE I'VE SEEN" )

Oh, come on, Min. Cheer up.

Hey, I'll give you a ride.

♪ It was only a girl
In a gilded cage ♪

Mork.

- Sorry, Min.
- Stop trying to cheer me up.

Yeah, I know.

It's kind of hard to frolic
in the face of doom.

You know, I've been thinking
about all the things

that have happened to me
since I've met you.

Well, one thing for sure,

I never thought I'd end up
sitting in a birdcage

waiting for my brains
to be sucked out by Necrotons.

Well, look on the bright side.
You still have your health.

Mork, you know, you…
You didn't have to come back

and risk your life to save me,
but you did.

Thanks.

Yeah, but I kind of botched up.

Because if I'd done
the right thing,

you'd be safe in your own home
when they destroyed the Earth.

I guess we've had a full life.

I only wish I had gotten
to meet Anson Williams.

Mork, there's something that
I've been wanting to tell you

for a long time,
but I just couldn't.

Oh, what is it, Min?

Well, one time
when you weren't home,

I put on your spacesuit.

The helmet too?

Boots and all.

Are you mad?

No.

I have a confession
to make to you too.

Well, one time
when you weren't home,

I held your blow dryer

and jumped up and down
on your bed.

Are you mad?

No.

I guess we've done it all.

Okay, Morky, it's time
to get your brain sucked.

Oh!

Goodbye, Mork.

( WHIMPERS )

Goodbye, brains.

Hello, Larry.

Yaddy-yaddy, warden!

Oh, Mork!

Top of the world, Min!

Top of the world, Mindy!

Oh. Is this thing gonna hurt?

Oh, no. I won't feel a thing.

No, no. I meant me.

Well, you tremendously.

Oh.

Comfy? What?

It would have been easier
if you'd talked.

But since we can't trust you,

we'll have to take out
your brain

and squeeze out the information.

What?

Sutra.

Activate the extractor.

( MACHINE PULSING )

All right,
I'll take it from here.

Prepare the ship for takeoff.

And check to see
if the cookies are done.

Oh, Mork, Mork.

Boxing have been good to me,
Howard.

Oh! It's too late.

Oh! It's not in there.

I think it in my ear.

( MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY )

Whew! Uh, that was close.

Oh, I'm so glad
you're all right.

Well, I… I thought you wanted
to suck out my brains,

put them in that little jar
over there for the winter.

NIRVANA: Oh, no, Mork.

That was just to pretend
for those two…

Those two barracudas.

You see, ever since I danced
the tango with you, well,

Well, I felt something
I never felt before.

What was that?

Lack of hate.

Well, you know what they say.

"Lack of hate
is a many splendored thing."

Oh, Mork, Mork.

If anyone on my planet
knew what I was feeling now,

well, I'd be vaporized.

But, somehow,
ever since I met you,

I've discovered there's
a woman inside of me.

Oh, yes. I can see
where she's hiding.

Oh, why? Oh, why? Why?

Oh, why?

Why do you
have such power over me?

I do? Yes.

My life used to be so simple.

Up at 9, maim,
torture, mutilate,

and then a light supper
and curl up with a good book.

But now,

now I have to have you.

I want to take you home with me.

You'll be my slave.

Oh, we'll have such fun
together. Ooh!

Well, we really can't.

We can't?

What could be more important
than being my slave?

My friendship for Mindy.

You mean, you would pass up
cosmic euphoria for that…

That thing
scratching around in the cage?

You got it.

Maybe you'll feel differently
after I put your pet to sleep.

( DRAMATIC THEME PLAYING )

Now, Nirvana,
don't do anything rash.

Mork, you still have your brain!

That's the good news.
There's some bad news

you don't want to hear
right now.

Listen, can we talk about this,
maybe discuss it?

No. We Necrotons have a saying:

"If an enemy gets in your way,

you just needlepoint
a sampler out of their hair."

Oh, you're a real homebody,
you know that? Mm-hm.

But since I don't have time
to do all of that,

I'll just part her hair
down to her toes.

What did she say? Oh…

It's just kind of girl talk,
Min.

Something about split ends.

Listen, if you hurt her,
you'll break my heart.

Oh, you can have
one of mine. I have three.

All right, pet.

You have littered
your last cage.

If you come near me, I'll…

I'll poke you with my perch.

No, no! No, no!

Now, listen.

If you hurt her,
you'll never, ever be my friend.

Oh, you'll forget about her.

No. You never forget
about a friend,

even when they're gone.

Oh, I don't know
what I'm feeling.

No matter what I do,
I can't win.

You are driving me crazy!

Mork, I think she wants to be
a little more than just friends.

I don't care what you call it.

If I can't have him, no one can!

Whoa! Oh.

It's a strange way
of showing affection, Min.

It's time for slicing
and dicing.

No, no.

Not so fast, Captain Ferrucci!

Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ow! Ow!

Ha! You missed the whole galaxy.

Really?

I warn you.

I am the best swordsman
in all of Ork.

Ow! NIRVANA: Ooh!

Ho-ho-ho.

Well, I never actually
faced a person.

( IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE ):
But I am undefeated

at capes and pictures.

( WHIMPERS )

Oh.

I can't do it.

You win.

I win?

Oh, what did I do?

I'll make a deal with you.

Mork, you can't trust her.

Oh, go peck your cuttlebone.

Listen, I'll set your pet free.

I'll… I'll say in my report

that the Earth
was uninhabitable,

if only you'll come back
and be my mate.

Oh, that's a wonderful offer.

Can I sleep on that?

Okay, okay.

We'll go back
and you'll be the master.

I'll be your slave.

We've heard enough.

Drop your sword.

Don't point that thing at me.

I'm your captain.

Our ex-captain.

Filing false reports,
that's treason.

We're going to vaporize you

and take the two specimens
home with us.

We will be heroes.

See? I told you
they wanted my job.

Traitors deserve to suffer.

I think we'll crush her slowly

with the Necroton death hug.

Ooh!

Gee, that always
wrinkles my clothes.

Let's just vaporize her.

Hey, you with the death ray.

You've got a split
in your tights.

Okay, ladies, put your hands up.

Don't worry. She can't shoot.

She doesn't know
the firing sequence.

Quick! The death hug.

No, no, no! Don't harm her!

Aah! Oh!

Oh. Ahh, ha-ha-ha.

Whoo!

( RAPID BEEPING )

Oh!

I think I must have
found the sequence.

Okay, gang, reach for Mars.

No. I mean, up with your hands!

Mork, not you!

No!! Not you, you!

No! Not you, them!
No, you… Mork! Mork!

Mindy… No, Mindy.

She's with me, me, me, me, me.

Okay, open the door.

Get out, pet.

I'm not a pet.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Get in, goons.

Oh, Mind.

Oh, we did it!

NIRVANA:
You know, I still don't understand.

I tortured you,
I put you in a cage, and…

And yet you helped me,

and, Mork, you saved my life.

Well, what else
would a friend do?

I don't know. I never had any.

Are you gonna let us go?

Sure. You got the gun.

Mork. Mind.

Here.

We have more with our friendship

than could ever be destroyed
by any gun.

Now will you let us go?

Do I have to?

A friend would.

You guys sure play rough.

( TENDER THEME PLAYING )

This time I had my eyes closed.

Yeah, me too.

Well, goodbye, Nirvana.

Next time you come
to this planet,

I won't hide.

Oh, what are you gonna do
with Kama and Sutra?

I'm gonna try to teach them
what you taught me,

but if that doesn't work,
I think I'll have them stuffed.

Wait!

W-when you have friends,

does it hurt
when they leave you?

Yes.

( SOBS )

Well, then, I guess
I've found some real friends.

( TENDER THEME PLAYING )

( SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING )

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson!

Come out, come out
wherever you are.

Olly, olly fats in free!

ORSON: Mork! Yeah.

I'm relieved to see
you're in one piece.

Well, sir, what did you expect
to see me in, a bikini,

your Harper's Bazaarness? Ar-ar.

Congratulations on once again

surviving the attack
of the Necroton.

Well, sir, this has been
a week to end all weeks.

I'm not kidding you.

Now that it's over,

have you any special
observations to report?

You must remember this:
That a kiss is still a kiss,

and a sigh is just a sigh.

And on Earth, friendship
is as contagious as the flu.

Are you sure?

Well, it must be, sir.
I mean, I caught it from Mindy,

then I gave it to Nirvana,
captain of the Necrotons.

You gave it away?

Well, I got it right back.

I mean, that's the funny thing
about friendship.

( AUSTRALIAN ACCENT )
It's like a boomerang!

It comes right back at you. Bam!

But you wasted it
on a Necroton, our enemy.

Well, but now we have
one less enemy.

There's plenty more Necrotons
where she came from, Mork.

Oh, but, sir,
how about this for a plan?

Tell you what.
If everybody makes two friends

and those two friends
make two more friends,

and two more friends, and…
Yeah!… Out to infinity,

pretty soon, we'll all be
flying the friendly skies

and united.

Until next week, sir.
Nanu, nanu.

( DRAMATIC THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )