Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 10 - Dial 'N' for Nelson - full transcript

MORK: Nanu, nanu.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Hey, here's one:

"1963 Chevy,

"only 15 miles, slight damage.

"Call after 6 p.m.

Ask for Evel."

- Forget it.
- What's wrong with your old car?

We're tired of going through
the car wash behind a tow truck.

Beggars shouldn't be choosers.



If you don't get a new car soon,

you're gonna be hitchhiking
to medical school.

( GREEK ACCENT ): Eureka!

They are finished.

Look, my Greek cookies.
They make me so happy.

I've got to dance
till my knees explode

and my socks fall off.

Come with me. Dance now.

( HUMMING TRADITIONAL
GREEK MELODY )

Hey! Hey! Hey!

( SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY )

Come, my little garbo.

Sip on some ouzo
and nibble my cookies.

- The Greek typhoon.
- ( JEAN LAUGHS )



All right, I'll try one,
let's see…

♪ You can eat them on a Monday
A Tuesday, a Wednesday ♪

♪ A Thursday, a Fri… ♪
REMO: Give me those.

Ah-ah! Never.

Ah-ah-ah! Now…

REMO:
Your cousin Nelson's here again.

Oh, hi, Nelson.

Hi, Nel…

( WOMAN SCREAMS )

Excuse me, madam.

Nelson, what is wrong with you?

I've been getting
threatening phone calls.

And quite frankly, it's scaring
the bejeebies outta me.

Sit down and tell us about it.

Some member of the lunatic
fringe has been calling

and saying that if I don't drop
out of the city council race,

I'd better start praying.

That's gonna be trouble. Mindy
said you didn't have a prayer.

Eh, do you have any idea
who it is?

No, except that it's
a woman's voice.

A woman? He's scared of a woman.

( LAUGHS )

Oh, please.

And why shouldn't he be scared
of a woman?

You never heard
of Lizzie Borden,

Mata Hari, Ma Barker?

Ma Bell.

Yeah, women have the right

to be homicidal maniacs too,
you know.

Hey, cease and desist,
quipsters.

My life could be at stake here.

Nelson's right,
it doesn't matter

whether it's a man or a woman.

Crank calls can really be scary.

Yeah, birdcalls
can be scary too.

( SQUAWKING )

Let me tell you, obscene phone
calls aren't any fun either.

I got a whole bunch
when I was living back east.

I was petrified.

Really?
Did you call the phone company?

No, they wouldn't press charges.

He was one
of their best customers.

( CHUCKLES )

You know, there must be a reason
that that woman

is making these calls.

Yeah, who would hate you enough
to do something like this?

I've got it. It's an old
girlfriend that you used

and threw away
like a dirty sock.

I don't think so.

Most girls I use
never call me again.

It's probably political.

Maybe it's one of the other
candidates that's doing it.

Think about it, Nelson, it'd
have to be somebody conniving.

Somebody who'd stop at nothing
to get what he wants.

Don't be ridiculous, Min.
Why would Nelson call himself?

( PLAYFUL THEME PLAYING )

Boop!

Boop!

Boop! Mork?

Mork? Boop!

( WHISTLES ) Mork.

Think you could read
a little more quietly?

Sure.

( MOUTHS ): Boop.

( MOUTHS ): Boop.

( MOUTHS ): Boop.

It's for you.

Why, that's amazing.
How did you know that?

I didn't. But I didn't wanna
stop reading

until I got to see if Lolita
gets to use her crayons or not.

Whoa. Ha-ha-ha!

Nelson.

What is all this?

It's a disguise.

Ah, you're masquerading
as a traveling flasher, eh?

I got another phone call
from that crazy woman.

Really? Yeah.

Are you sure it's the same one?

Down to the last threat.

She asked me strange questions
like,

"Guess who's not gonna make it
till election day?"

Maybe she's just trying
to change your political image.

Yeah, she says she's gonna
do it with an ax.

Oh, that's terrible.

Are you on your way to a hotel?

No.

Are you, uh, going out of town?

No.

You're staying here.

Oh, thank you, Mindy.

I knew that when a fella
gets in a jam,

the first people he should
turn to is family.

Oh, cuz. Ohhh…

NELSON: I just wanna say thanks.

Thanks.

Make yourself at home.

Nelson, if I were you
I'd call the police.

I did.

They said that a crank call
isn't a crime.

I guess they can't do anything
till I'm actually dead.

Well, maybe they'd investigate

if you just laid there
real still.

Well, we'll deal
with all this tomorrow.

In the meantime,
you're safe here.

Thanks, Mindy.

Morky.

It's people like you
that make people like me

like people like you.

Right now
I'm too tired to think.

I'm… I'm going to bed.

Good night. Nighty-night.

Well, guess it's time
to hit the straw.

You mean "hay."

Well, if you insist.
Hey, it's time to hit the straw.

Well… Good night.

'Night.

I feel much safer
staying over here.

Good.

( NELSON SCREAMS )

NELSON:
Don't turn out the lights!

What's wrong?

I… I can't sleep
with the lights out.

Oh. Maybe I better read you
a story, that might help.

- Oh, that's a good idea.
- All right.

Here you go.

"The moon highlighted
her golden hair,"

and she could hear the soft
twittering of a nightingale

"as she plunged the dagger again
and again into Derek's back."

( PLAYFUL THEME PLAYING )

Don't tell me, um,
Orkan calisthenics?

No, I'm working on my impression
of Nelson's lava lamp.

- That's pretty good.
- Okay, guess what I'm doing.

( SNORTING )

Billy Carter. ( LAUGHS )

No. Oh, the Vienna Hogs' Choir.

No, it's Nelson snoring.

He kept me awake
all night last night.

Why would Nelson
bring his lava lamp?

It gives him
a sense of security,

makes him feel
like he's almost hip.

( LAUGHS )

( PHONE RINGS )

Phone. Mm.

Hello?

No, he's in the shower now.
Can I help you?

I'll take a message if I can.

( MOUTHED DIALOGUE )
Something to write on.

Pardon the delay, it's hard
to get good Caucasian help.

Hello…
( INDISTINCT SPEECH OVER PHONE )

Mork, she says she's
gonna get us too

and she knows where we live.

Oh, no. Death, despair, doom.

Come on, Min. We've gotta
bolt the windows up.

We gotta barricade the door.

Come on, Mindy.
Don't worry, come on.

- Mork.
- Oh, order some pizzas, Min.

Make 'em frozen pizzas,
we can suck on 'em,

they'll last longer.

This is serious. We've gotta
think about this calmly.

All right, Mind.

What we can do is create
an electromagnetic force field.

We need some zirconium
and a cambrium laser.

Now, where do you put
your cambrium lasers and…

- Hi, guys, what's all the hubbub?
- Get down! Get down!

Do I sense danger?

No, you sense threats.

That woman called again.

She said she'll arrange it
so you can dance

cheek-to-cheek with yourself.

She did?

Don't ever leave me.

The worst part is she knows
where we are.

Now, we've gotta figure
this thing out.

Why don't you come down here
and cower with us, Miss Brave?

Not on the floor, on the sofa.

What, you guys think she's gonna
shoot us through the window?

( ALL SCREAMING )

MORK: It was probably Mr. Death.

It was Mr. Barstool.

Well, so this is politics.

I guess I shouldn'ta left
your phone number

with my answering service.

You left my number
with your service?

Well, only a few of the calls
I get are death threats.

I do have an attaché case
business to run, you know.

Come on, you guys, I mean,
I think we're overreacting

to this whole thing.

I mean, there's not gonna
be any violence.

I read the people
who make phone threats

rarely cut you
into little pieces.

How rarely?

Well, never more than once.

Come on,
let's not be so paranoid.

And let's not let
this crazy woman get to us.

Let's just start
acting like normal.

See? Now, isn't this better?

( ALL SCREAMING )

Somebody broke my window.

Oh, it's nothing much, Min.
It's just a smoking can.

It's a bomb!

Toss it, toss it!

Okay. Not to me!

( MINDY SCREAMING )

( SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( NASAL VOICE):
Well, we'll do all we can.

This stink bomb is probably just
an isolated case of vandalism.

That's what some people said
about Pearl Harbor.

But our lives are in danger.

( NASAL VOICE ): Maybe that's why
Joseph Wambaugh left the force.

This place kinda smells

like cheese on a radiator.

What price charisma?

Well, in case the worst happens,

I decided to make out
my last will and testament.

Oh, good.
Could I have your lava lamp

and your collective works
of Walter Mondale?

Nelson, what we have to do
is figure out

why somebody's after you.

I've got it. I've got it.

When you were a baby, you were
abducted by a wandering tribe

of albinos.

They were gonna make you
their king.

But you were smart,
even at that young age,

and you escaped by running away
nude in a snowstorm.

Will you be logical?

I'd never run nude in the snow.

Well, here's another one.

You were Siamese twins,
separated at the head,

and she thinks
you got the better deal.

Her name was Anathesia,
and she's after you like…

Wait, I hate to interrupt
you Hardy Boys in action.

But, Nelson, is it possible
that you might have offended

somebody in one
of your campaign speeches?

I don't think so. Let's see,

my last speech was Wednesday.

Well what did you talk about?

Oh, the usual: Nothing.

Try and remember everything you
talked about in that speech.

Well…

first I came out

for keeping Boulder green.

Oh, that'll get
the leprechaun vote. Ha-ha!

But it could antagonize
the businessman.

Well, I also came out
for green factories.

Did you make a stand
on anything?

I did say that Boulder should
have a monorail system

but for safety's sake,
it should have two tracks.

And I really was firm
on that one.

That's it? I think so.

I did come out
against pornography.

I said

that if I were elected,

I'd close down
every strip joint in this city.

Well, how many are there?

One.

It opened a couple weeks ago.

Well, that's probably it,
Nelson.

One of the strippers
must be threatening you.

( PHONE RINGS )

I-if that's for me,
I'm not here.

If that's her, I'm gonna
tape the conversation. Answer.

NELSON: I'll answer it, but
don't expect me to be polite.

- Hello?
- ( INDISTINCT SPEECH OVER PHONE )

( PHONE CLICKS ) That's fine.

She hung up, let's play it back.

WOMAN ( ON TAPE ):
If you don't get out of town,

the next bomb's gonna be real.

And the three of you will be
splattered all over Boulder.

Oh, Mindy, we've gotta
get out of here

before they make human confetti
out of us.

The first thing we have to do
is find this woman.

She's gotta be
one of the strippers

at the Bare Facts Club.

Eh, you can't go.

They'd recognize you
because of your eyes.

Eh, it's up to you and I, Mind.

I'm not going
into any strip joint.

Come on, sometimes it's
your moral duty to be sleazy,

so get your pasties, let's go.

I've got faith in you, Mind.

You could crack this case
just like Sam Spade.

Oh, what a great detective.

Too bad he couldn't
have puppies.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( AIR HISSING )

Mork, this is so embarrassing.

Would you look at me?

What would my grandmother say

if she saw me dressed like this?

Take it off.

As a matter of fact, she would.

Are you here for the audition?

Oh, yes. Sid Morkenstein,
William Morkis Agency.

I love you, darling,
more than you'll ever know.

I represent Miss Mindy Rose Lee.
She's the Boulder Bombshell.

Pleased to meet you.

I love the balloons, darling.

I bet you don't have
a pet porcupine, huh?

No, not anymore.

Does that sound like the voice
on the phone?

I don't think she knows
how to use a phone, Min.

Well, let's move on.

Love what you're doing,
sweetheart.

Let's have breakfast, lunch,
dinner one day. Fantastic.

Hello, Sid Morkenstein, William
Morkis Agency, how are you?

Love… Hey, great-looking bear.

Sure am.

That's why I'm in this business.

So's the kid. Right, sweetheart?

Yeah.

Sure is a nice place.

It's a lot better than
the joints I've been working in.

Yeah… What are you
talking about?

Uh, pardon me, are you
interested in politics?

No, but I had an old boyfriend
once

that taught me how
to pronounce Zai-air.

( BALLOON DEFLATING )

Excuse me.

I bet you'd be really bummed out

if some politician tried
to close this place down.

No, there are always places
to work.

We move around a lot.

I hear that. But you haven't
seen anyone move

till you've seen
the Boulder Bombshell.

I mean I'm talking about…
She takes off so much

you can see her bones, you know?

Ho-ho-ho!

Wazoo, wazoo. Ha-ha-ha!

I'm talking good times here.

Yeah. Excuse me, Sid?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Oh sure, darling. Excuse me.

We'll get back to you,
I'll put you on hold.

Love you.

Knock off this stuff
about the audition.

I'm not getting up there
and doing anything.

Do you think
any of these ladies did it?

I don't think so. None
of their voices sound familiar.

And she said that she could
get work anywhere,

so why would they care
if this place closed down?

Oh. I've got it.

The owner of the club
is a woman. Ha-ha-ha! Maybe.

Okay, girls, let's get this show
on the road.

I want you to get up here
and strut your stuff.

- Mindy, get your struts ready.
- RON: And remember,

only the best girl
gets to audition for the boss.

I don't think I can
go through with this.

Why not? Nelson would
take his clothes off for you.

Okay, you, with the balloons.

You're first.

Harry, give me a spot.

Do you mind?

My name is Cherry Balloons,

and I did the following number
at a recent stag party.

I got a standing ovation.

Play something soft and sultry.

( CABARET PIANO MUSIC PLAYING )

( BALLOONS POPPING )

- Okay, thanks a lot.
- Yeah, I think we get the idea.

We'll give you a call, okay?

Mork, you better get backstage
and find out

if the owner is a woman
before I end up on that stage.

Now, there, sweetheart.

Sid Morkenstein, William Morkis
Agency, how are you?

Hey, it's a great cigar.
Too bad about Castro, huh?

Listen, I've seen better dancing
at the New York City Ballet,

you know what I'm talking about?

Hey. You gotta see
the Boulder Bombshell there.

'Cause there is a woman there
that I want your boss to see,

because when she can
move it, she really moves it.

It must be cream 'cause milk
don't flow like that. Hey, hey.

What do you want?

Basically I want your boss
to see the young woman here.

Even blind people go, "Something
interesting around there."

The boss'll be out
when he's ready, you know?

All right. Fantastic,
we'll get back to you.

We'll have breakfast, lunch,
dinner someday, okay?

Yeah, you just wait your turn.

My pleasure, I feel great
energy, it's gonna be great.

Okay. Hey, hey.

Okay, you, you're next. Come on.

Please play something
reeking of innocence.

( PIANO PLAYING ) Right.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, no, no, no.

What kind of an audience
do you think we got out here,

the Muppets?

Well, I refuse to make
artistic compromises.

Come on, Lex.

Good luck, kid.

RON: Okay, Bombshell.

You're next.

Mork, I can't go up there.

RON: Come on, what's the matter?
You ashamed of your body?

No. Well, then, let's see it.

Wouldn't you rather see his?

Come on, I don't have all day.
Come on, come on.

What kind of music do you want?

You don't want no music.
Play it Acapulco.

No…

( PIANO PLAYING )

( INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE )

Thanks a lot there, Bombshell.
That was really exciting.

Wait a minute. It isn't fair.

Her snake's doing a jungle
picture, how about that?

Now, listen.
Don't just tell me thanks.

Get in there and tell your boss

that Sid Morkenstein
wants to see him, man.

No one demands to see the boss.

Hey, well, it was just
a request, really, I…

Um, listen, she had
a little stage fright,

you know? A little nerves.

You know how it goes, don't you,
sweetheart, don't you?

I guess… I'll show you
how it works.

Hit it, son.

( PIANO PLAYING CABARET MUSIC )

Eh, all right, all right,
all right.

I ain't crazy about your act,

but maybe the boss
might like it.

Hey, boss, come on out here.

Oh, thanks, Mr. DeMille.

Oh… that's the boss.

Mindy, I think our little hunch
was wrong.

- Yeah.
- Thank you sweetheart, darling.

Have your service
call my service.

What it was. Heh-heh!

Beautiful day,
great energy for the room.

( HIGH-PITCHED VOICE ):
All right, Ron, what's going on out here?

She's our man, Min.

Thanks.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

I wanna thank you two

for preventing
the untimely demise

of a future city councilman.

Hey, we're just a couple
of courageous kids.

Weren't you scared
in that strip joint?

Are you kidding?

Mindy McConnell knows
how to handle herself.

Oh, I was really amazed.

The police came
and arrested that guy.

I'll never forget
his last words too.

( HIGH-PITCHED VOICE ):
"How'd you know it was me?"

There's no place in this country
for soprano terrorism.

Did you look nice
in your costume?

Pretty nice.

Oh, real nice. And she got
a ride home in a big Cadillac

with a man
with a wide-brimmed hat.

This whole ugly business

has taught me
a very valuable lesson.

I'm never gonna make a stand
on anything again.

Well, you'll make a perfect
vice president.

And I'm gonna be
a lot more careful

now that I know that people
are out to get me.

Oh, don't be paranoid.

Next you'll say people are
trying to poison your food.

Eat your sandwich.

Uh… um… What do you think?

We're gonna poison you? Eat it.

I'm not hungry right now.

I-I'll taste it for you, Nelson.

There we go.

Not bad.

( SCREAMING )

Mork!

Mork, what's wrong?

Too much mustard.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( MYSTICAL THEME PLAYING )

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson,
come in Orson.

ORSON: Here I am, Mork.

Oh, coming in loud and clear,
O Great Seam-Stretcher.

Let's dispense
with the niceties, Mork.

What did you learn this week?

Well, why tell you,
when I can show you?

Hit it.

( CABARET PIANO MUSIC PLAYING )

What are you doing, Mork?

Well, sir, it's what Earthlings
call a striptease.

You wouldn't believe this,
but some humans will pay money

to watch other humans
take off their clothes.

You mean that Earthlings
would pay to watch me undress?

There's a difference
between a striptease

and a strip threat.

Speaking of threats, sir,

some humans will use threats
of physical violence

to get their own way.

That's terrible.

Indeed it is,
because it makes other humans

afraid to voice
their own opinion.

I see. They think it's safer

to keep things under their hats.

Oh, especially their heads.

But I thought Earthlings
prized their freedom of speech

- very highly, Mork.
- Well, they do, sir.

But only a few are willing
to pay the price to keep it.

Until next week, sir.

Nanu, nanu.

( HUMMING MELODY )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )