Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Boy, am I in for it now.

Sent before the
White Desk again.

What did I do?

The Solar Lander, you fool.

You painted a mustache on it.

But Orson doesn't know I did it.

Then why am I here?

If I knew that, I wouldn't
be talking to myself.

Mork.

Good morning, Orson.

Orson... you call
me Orson to my face,



but behind my back,
you call me "Fatso,"

"Rocket Ship Thighs,"
and "Star Tush."

You forgot "Laser Breath."

Sorry, Your Immenseness.

See what I mean?

These constant displays of humor

are not acceptable
behavior here on Ork.

You're right.

We are rather a dull lot;

the white bread of the universe.

Emotions have been
weeded out of us

for the good of the race,

and you constantly make jokes.

I'm afraid that won't do.



Uh-oh.

There's an insignificant planet

on the far side of the galaxy.

From the fragmented
reports we have on it,

the people are... well, uh...

Real nimnulls?

Exactly.

That's why I think
you'll fit in there, Mork.

You're too kind, sir.

What is the name
of this hellhole

you're sending me to?

Earth.

Earth? I was on Earth
three bleems ago.

I was sent there
by a biology class

to collect a specimen.

I had to throw it back,
though... too small.

I love that place.

Well, don't enjoy it too much.

It's not a vacation.

We want you to
learn all you we can

about primitive societies.

Your mission is to
report back to me mentally

about the things
you learn there.

And remember, this
is a serious mission.

You can count on me, Orson.

D, D and E.

Dedicated, diligent
and efficient.

Nanu-nanu.

Nanu-nanu.

I love this spot.

It's beautiful.

You know, the reason
I enjoy taking you out

is you don't put pressure on me.

You don't force me into playing

that virile stud
macho role, you know?

Aha!

Gizbah.

Shazbot.

Ah.

Only one suitcase?

You lost half my
luggage, you nimnulls!

Oh, Mindy!

Stop it!

Don't you ever do that again!

Not even if my
blouse is on fire!

I can't believe you.

Three dates and you think

you've got the
right to attack me

like a Thanksgiving turkey?!

Oh, I love it when
you talk dirty.

What? Will you cut it out?

Now, look,

You know, I liked
you a lot better

when you were ineffectual.

I don't even think I like
you at all after tonight.

Good point.

I think I should take you home

because I respect you.

Well, I'll drive to make sure

we get to our respective homes

still respecting each other.

Well, if that's the
way you feel about it,

why don't you just walk home?

Oh! If that's the
way you want it,

I'll be happy to walk home.

Hey, wait a minute!

That's my car!

Nanu-nanu.

Father...

what are you doing out here?

This is where I was dropped off.

Oh, yeah? Well, I
got dropped off, too.

You don't know
what happened to me!

He just took my car!

Well, I'm glad to have
someone I can trust

to walk into town with.

I mean, this isn't a
confession or anything,

but I only had three
crummy dates with the guy

and he takes my car
and makes me walk!

Very interesting.
Mind if I take notes?

I don't know
where he gets off...

Nanu-nanu.

Shazbot!

Ah! Well, here it is.

Thanks a lot for walking
me home, Father.

I'm afraid I hardly gave
you a chance to talk,

but I was just so mad.

You know what I mean?

Nab, nab. My pleasure.

I was sent here to
learn, you know?

Well, if there's anything
I can do for you...

If it's not too precious,
a glass of water.

And if it is, a quart
of oil will suffice.

Oh...

I think I can spring
for the water.

Spring water. Humor.

Better yet.

How about a little iced tea?

When on Earth,
do as the Earthlings.

How are they treating you?

Do you talk to your plants, too?

Oh, yes, they're good listeners.

Especially the old ones.

Yeah, I talk to my
plants all the time.

Keeps them young
and keeps them healthy.

Oh...

Your suit's on backwards.

It is?

Boy, do I feel like a clone.

You're not a priest.

Who are you?

I am Mork from Ork.

Nanu-nanu.

Ork?!

Yes, you see, Ork is a planet.

You follow the Big Dipper
till it comes to a dead end,

then you hang an up.

An up.

Up, down, hard to
tell out in hyperspace.

Oh, right.

I have a poor sense
of direction myself.

So, you're, you're
from outer space.

Yes, do you mind if
I take a few pictures

for the folks on
the home planet?

They'd like to get
some postcards.

Uh, no.

Okay, watch the flookie.

How did you do that?

With my Instamatic glove...

Some models starting
under 30 thribets.

Oh... mind if I do?

The pause that refreshes.

You drank that with your finger!

Yes. How do you drink?

With my mouth.

Well, how do you talk
and drink at the same time?

Must be Drool City.

Now, look, whoever you are,

now you can't scare me.

Now, there's no such thing
as a man from outer space.

Now, I don't know how
you did those tricks,

but you just better
keep your distance

or you're going
to hear me scream

like you've never
heard anybody scream.

I've never heard anyone scream.

Is that your way
of saying thanks?

Aha! Help has already arrived,

so you just stay cool,
space man, or else...

It's for you.

Ah, my lost luggage.

50 nu-nu because my
casual clothes are in there.

Take a hike.

Scrim, scrim. Oh, I forgot.

Sorry. Here we go.

Keep the change.

You really are from out there.

No, actually, I'm
from out there.

You see, out there's
not a nice neighborhood.

I wouldn't even go there
during a total eclipse.

An alien.

You're not going
to hurt me, are you?

Hurt you?!

No, damaging other life
forms is unthinkable to us.

I wouldn't harm a harf
on your choli-cho-cho.

It occurs to me we have
not been formally introduced.

A formal introduction
is at hand.

Get down.

I am Mork from Ork.

Nanu-nanu.

Oh...

I'm, I'm Mindy McConnell.

Ah.

I like a being
with a firm gribbet.

Shows character.
At least evolution.

Oh...

Well, thank you.

Uh... how do you say
thank you in your language?

We spit.

Mind if I don't say thank you?

No sweat off my front.

I just, I just
can't believe this.

I'm standing here
talking to an alien.

Do you realize the
historic sweep of this?

I mean, the world
will be astounded!

No, nab, nab.

You see, my mission
is to observe Earth.

And the only way I can do that

is by being one of
you, a face in the crowd.

Which is easy
because I fit right in.

Not really.

No? No.

Are you sure?

Oh, I'm sure.

I tell you what.

Now, I'm as interested
in you and your planet

as you are about us

so how about I can
teach you to act Earthling

if you teach me more about Ork?

Is that a deal?

A fair exchange. Let's
formally close the deal.

Mind if I just spit?

It's your house.

I will be staying here, won't I?

I mean, I've heard so much

about your
Earthling hospitality.

Oh, well, you can,
uh... temporarily.

Oh, but if my
father finds out...

Father?!

On Earth you have
natural parents.

You see, I'm a test tube baby.

Really?

Yes. My father was an
eyedropper, the scum.

Why would you say that?

Well, he ran away and left Mom.

Ran off with a
bottle of nose drops.

Can't blame him, though.

She had those tight labels.

Oh, come on.

Oh, come on, please, hey.

Stop! Stop!

It's too early in the morning
for "Dueling Beethoven."

It's the only music

I can challenge him with, dear.

He won't play anything
by Alice Cooper.

That's because I play piano.

Alice Cooper just
beats on the keys

with a dead snake.

But at least he shows feeling.

Are you two going
to start this again?

I am a musician.

I sell violins
and I sell cellos.

They're classics.

That's food for the spirit
and a feast for the soul.

While you peddle...

junk food.

Frederick...

Huh?

If you were in
Heaven and God said,

"I will give you a choice...

"you can be born with brains,

or you can born with a
permanent rash on your fanny."

Now which would you choose?

The brains.

Good. I see you
learn by your mistake.

Mother-in-laws are
the curse of marriage.

Oh, Daddy, you know
she loves to tease you.

It's what keeps her young.

Yes, but it's making me old.

Mindy, isn't that your
second cup of coffee?

It's my fourth.

But you don't drink coffee.

Why are you all of a sudden
drinking gallons of coffee,

unless you... stayed up late.

You're right. This must
be my first cup of coffee.

Mindy...

Dad, I was up late last night.

Dad, I met the most
fascinating person.

I was up half the
night talking to him.

Him?

Half the night?

Dad, I'm 21.

Oh, honey, I know, I know.

It's just that I'll always
think of you as my little girl.

I know you will.

Hey, Mindy, look who I found

wandering the
streets looking for you.

Correction,
munchkin-like person:

I wasn't wandering,

I was trying to
explore your world.

He's new in town, Eugene.

Mork, I'll be happy to
show you around after work.

Work?

Oh, yes. Most people
have to work for a living.

What a novel concept.

Mindy, who's your
beatnik friend?

Uh... Daddy, this is Mork.

Mork, this is Mr. McConnell.

Nanu-nanu.

Mork, he's my father.

What an interesting
position to be in.

I tip my kripla to you, sir.

♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah. ♪

Well, I guess it's time
for my violin lessons.

Thank you for taking
me to your leader.

Gizbah.

Oh, yeah.

Ah, ah...

Hey, Mork, I'd like
to see you again.

Were can I find you?

I'll be at Mindy's place.

Come by any time.

Hang tough, man.

What it was, my main man.

You'll be at Mindy's place?

Yes, we're living together.

Catch you later, Jack.
On the rebound, clown.

Your mama.

Living together?

That's not what it seems.

Your grandmother's the
one with the hearing problem.

I distinctly heard him say
you were living together.

Oh... oh, well, Mork...
Mork is a practical joker.

You heard his voice, right?

And with a name like Mork,

you'd be a practical
joker too, right?

Oh, then he's not
staying in your, uh...

and he's not
sleeping in your, uh...

No one is sleeping in my, uh...

Oh.

And no one is
sleeping there either.

A pie in the face.

How did you Earthlings
think of something

so original, so unique?

Mork, you and I have
got to have a talk,

so you might as well sit down

and make yourself comfortable.

Don't mind if I do.

Now, Mork... today,
you did a bad thing.

You told my father
we're living together.

Now, I know you didn't mean
to do any harm, and it's...

What are you doing?

You said to make
myself comfortable.

Mork, can you take a
little constructive criticism?

Of course.

It's not nice to
sit on your face.

Then why did God put it there?

Oh, boy, I'll tell you...

I can tell you teaching
you to be Earthling

is not going to be easy.

Now, if you want to
pass for one of us,

the first thing we're
going to have to do

is we're going to have
to work on your voice.

Your voice is not right.

Well, how about this one?

You say another word,

I'll blow your
lips into the sink.

That one's not quite you.

Or this one?

Hey, Ralphie, boy.

Norton, to the moon, Norton!

Or...

this one:

♪ On the good ship Lollipop... ♪

How did you learn those voices?

We've been monitoring
your TV for years.

My favorite is:

Lucy, you can't do the show.

Ricky... Babaloo!

Oh, boy.

I can tell this isn't
going to be easy.

Oh, Mork, you just
don't understand

the problems you present.

I realize I do cause trouble.

Heavy sigh.

The last time I was here I
caused a big problem, too.

You were on Earth before?

About 20 bleems ago.

I was here to visit
my friend the Fonz.

You know him? Hey!

Are you interested?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Then I'll take you back.

Prepare a time-warp sequence.

All right, I'm coming.

Yo.

Cunningham residence.

No, Richie ain't here right now.

Because he and his family

went off on a little
vacation jaunt, you know.

Hey, you sound very adorable.

What's your name?

Mary. How are you?

Arthur Fonzarelli
here... House-sitter.

You never heard of me?

You new in town or
you just back from lunch?

Yes, Mary, I will tell
Richie that you called.

Yes. Bye-bye, Mary.

I want to tell you,
he knows some

uninformed human beings.

All right, all right, all right,
who's going "wee-wee-wee"?

I said, who's going
"wee-wee-wee"?

Hey, Ralph, if you're out
there and this is a bad joke,

I'll give you 30
seconds to find out

how much I don't
enjoy "wee-wee-wee."

Whoa-whoa-whoa.

Greetings, Fonzie.

Yabaz-abud-abid.

Remember me... Mork from Ork?

You once called me the
"nutso from outer space."

I must be dreaming or
something like that, you know.

I mean, uh...

Of course I'm dreaming.

That's why Mary
never heard of me.

Sorry, real thing.

I had to zap your mind
to make you forget.

Didn't want you to go Bozo City.

I think I want to wake up now.

Strange custom.

Doesn't give me pleasure.

Don't be afraid.

I mean you no harm.

Yeah, right...
No, I'm not afraid.

Oh, snacks!

I want to be your friend.

Yeah, okay, look...

I'm real sorry, you know.

I mean, as much as
I'd like to invite you in

to have a little small
talk and everything,

I got so many things
to do, you know?

Like give Richie a
message from Mary

and clean the bugs
off my headlights.

Stuff like that, you
know what I mean?

Hello?

I've come for very
important information.

When I was here before,

I observed an Earth ritual
that I could not comprehend.

It drove me zazbot.

Well, don't get unravel...

Hey, let's not get
unraveled here.

Right.

We'll just talk about it.

What is this particular
ritual that made you "zizbit"?

Men dating women.

Well, I think you
came to the right place.

What was it you wanted to know?

Oh, thanks a lot.

Why a man dates a woman.

Don't men date
women on your planet?

Hard to tell; parts
are interchangeable.

I don't know how you guys
got so far advanced, you know.

I mean, there's no incentive.

Oh.

All right, look, right off the
bat, let me tell you something:

It's very difficult to
talk to you like this, eh?

Don't sit that close.

Oh!

All right, now,
you're telling me

that men don't kiss
women on your planet?

Kiss? I don't know
what that means.

Nice word. Has a
pleasant ring to it.

Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss...

Can you hear the ring?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, look, all right, a kiss...

It's very affectionate,
you understand?

You got a boy
and you got a girl,

and they put their
lips together, you see,

and then they kind
of slide them around.

And it feels great.

Sliding lips sounds unappealing.

Don't knock it
till you've tried it.

All right, look,

you got to meet a
girl, get to know her,

find out if she's
willing or not.

Do you know a
girl who's willing?

I know some girls that
are willing and able,

and then I know some
that are not willing,

and you're able to
convince them, yeah.

Can you introduce me to
one of the convincing ones?

It's going to be very hard.

But I...

Don't touch me.

Perhaps you'd like
to slide lips then?

Hey!

But you see, I need your help.

You are known
throughout the universe

for your expertise
in this field.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah, that's true.

Yeah, right.

All right, all right.

I'm going to try
to find you a date.

Hey.

You just got to do me a favor.

Go up to Richie's room and
get on some of his clothes

so at least you
look normal, huh?

You thank.

My clothes do need time warping.

Yeah.

But first...

What?

What is Richie's room?

Oh, yeah, you can't miss it.

Lots of stripes and
checks and penny loafers.

Oh, penny loafers.

Yeah. Hey, take this with you.

Hut. Hike. Shiznanee.

But first, I remember
Richie now.

He needs a lot of work.

Good thing he didn't
land at Potsie's house.

All right, now who am I
going to fix him up with?

Gloria Hockney...

No, I don't want to put
her in a tizzy right away.

The Hoper triplets?

Now there's a six-pack to go.

No, I don't want to put
him in a tizzy right away.

Hey.

Same to you, buddy.

Hi, Fonz.

What's this guy Mork look like?

Is he tall, dark and handsome?

Yeah, you know what he is.

He's a, he's a foreigner.

Oh, I don't like foreigners.

They talk funny.

Where's he from?

Ork.

Oh.

Sounds like a nice country.

Yeah. Laverne,
listen, I just want

to spend a little time with
him alone, you understand,

so that I can, uh, brief him

on American customs,
you understand.

Why don't you wait in the car?

My car broke... I took a bus.

Yeah, I'll fix your car.

Why don't you wait
on the bus, all right?

Thanks very much.

I'll give you two minutes.

Where is she?

If she's here, she must be tiny.

I want to get a few things

straight with you, all right?

Number one...

What are you doing?

I'm straightening things out.

I start with my legs,
then go to my arms.

I'd do my neck except
I'd cut off the blood.

I'd probably die.

Stop that. I want to talk to you

about kissing again, all right?

I've been meaning
to ask you about that.

I want to know why
I would want to do it.

Physical pleasure.

Don't you do
anything on your planet

that includes physical pleasure?

Yes, there's one thing
and it's against the law,

and I, I can't tell you.

Oh, wait a minute, wait
a minute, wait a minute.

Uh, we're having a man-to-man
talk, here, or whatever this is.

Uh... you can tell me.

All right. Yeah.

When a woman
touches a man here...

It drives me zazbot.

Let me get this straight.

You're telling me, if
somebody touches you...

What's next?

Well, it only
happened to me once.

This zazbot came
over me and I...

I couldn't control myself.

Well, I... I became
a beast and I...

I jerked her earlobe.

I couldn't help it,
you understand!

I honestly regret it.

I regret it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I regret it myself.

I understand, I understand.

Fonzie!

Oop...

Your two minutes are up.

So, uh... you must be Morky.

I'm Laverne. Pleased.

I, too, am pleased.

Nanu-nanu, nanu-nanu.

"Nanu-nanu"?

"Nanu-nanu"?

Yeah, well, you know,

I got to go now because...
What is nanu-nanu?

Two's company, three's a crowd.

Know what I mean?
What is nanu-nanu?

Oh, Earth humor.

Fonz, did you fix me
up with another jerk?

Oh, a jerk...

Was jerk good?

Oh, yes, yes.

That was a fine jerk.

Fonz.

All right, look, just
give me a break here...

I washed my hair for
this. I ironed my skirt.

Look, he's a foreigner.

He doesn't know our customs.

Just give him a
break, all right?

Huh?

Yeah.

Okay. But tell him not to jerk.

It makes me nervous.

Okay.

Don't jerk.

What, are you nutso?

All right, look.

If you get in a situation and
you don't know what to do,

just follow what Laverne does,

'cause she knows
the ropes. All right?

I know the ropes, too.

I can tie a square hitch,

a sheepshank, many, many more.

You're not going for
a merit badge here.

A sheepshank.

All right, listen, you two.

Knock your socks off.

Oh, that Fonzie, huh?

So, Morky...

Uh, I'm not real
good in geography.

This Ork place, where
is that? Off Greece?

No, we Orkans
have been off grease

for at least five bleems.

Now for lubricants
we use Viz, Gazh,

or the ever-popular Lemocoke.

Of course.

I don't understand why
we don't use "vimogoke."

Probably your engines
couldn't handle it.

They would either overload
and pollute the atmosphere

or destroy the
universe as you know it.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Is it time to flatter you?

Sure.

You have a lovely fungus
growing out of your head.

Fungus? What fungus? What?

Oh, fungus... or any major
group of fungi... including

mushrooms, mold or mildew.

Yeah, well, I always wear mildew

when I want to impress a guy.

What did Fonzie do to me?

I'm impressed.

Is it time to kiss yet?

I don't think so. No.

I'm sorry.

I'm new at this dating ritual.

What's the next step?

Uh, well, uh, uh, why don't you

sit down on the couch, huh?

Oh, boy, will you look at that?!

What? What?

Look at what?

Nothing.

It's gone now.

Oh, you sit Fonz-like.

I must adjust and copy.

Get over there.

Sheesh.

Are you making fun of me?

Because I don't like it
when guys make fun of me,

and if you keep
making fun of me,

I'm going to give you a fat lip.

Fat lip. Oh, no... rejection.

I merely wanted to
experience the dating process.

Failure. Oh, no.

Return to hatchling state.

Uh, look, I'm real sorry.

I mean, I didn't
mean to reject you.

Don't suck your finger.

Your teeth will
end up like mine.

Aw... Hey, come on, come on,

come on, come on,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I really would like
to be your friend.

Ah...

No, maintain,
maintain, maintain.

Ahh! Ahh!

What, what, what happened?

You touched me.

Yeah, I went like this.

No, no, gangnab, gangnab.

"Gangnab"? What? What?

No, no, no...

Give me your earlobe.

My what?!

Your earlobe, delicious one.

Oh.

Ow!

I think you're getting off
on the wrong foot, buddy.

Oh wrong foot. Sorry. Ow!

Stay there, stay there.

Don't you come near me.

Don't you come near me.

I liked you better as a baby.

Stop!

Fonz! Fonz! He wants my earlobe!

Fonzie!

I think she likes me.

Ooh, her lobes.

I just wanted to tweak them.

Oh.

Now, Mork, that's what

got you into
trouble the last time.

Alas, my lady, you
do deal me pain.

'Tis justified and
I shall repent.

Oh, come on.

Hey, where did
you get that voice?

From yon video. 'Twas
Shakespeare, methinks,

though 'twas The Jeffersons.

Well, that, that voice is normal

if you forget the
"twas" and the "twits."

I'll twy.

Here.

Read this. Just
turn to any page.

"Her fingers trembled
as she undid her blouse

and let it fall to the..."

Oh.

Anot... Another page.

"His nostrils flared.

"Her nostrils flared.

Everything flared."

I don't know why
this book is overdue.

Here.

Uh, just turn to any page.

"'My shorts!' cried the senator

as he ran from the room."

That's it!

That's it. Mork, we've
made a breakthrough.

A break...?

Yes, your voice.

We found a voice for you.

A Breakthrough! A breakthrough!

Yeah. Ah-ah.

Your voice.

Sorry.

I've learned a lot of
things since last night.

Let me examine them.

Number one, this phony voice.

You shouldn't use the other one.

At least, don't use it
around other people.

Number two, don't
drink with my finger.

Number three,
don't sit on my face.

Oh, and you forgot
the fourth thing,

and it's the most important.

Don't tell my father
we're living together.

I don't understand.

He doesn't know you're living?

It's not the living,
it's the together

he wouldn't understand.

No, I wouldn't.

Dad.

Greetings, Mr. McConnell.

Don't you "greetings" me.

I wanted to believe you today.

I came over here
hoping I wouldn't find...

what I found.

You came over here
to check up on me?

I came over here
to prove to myself

that my daughter
hadn't lied to me

and that she wasn't
living with a man.

Dad, it's not like that.

Instead I proved to
myself that my little girl...

isn't my little girl any longer.

But, Dad...

Dad...

Good-bye! Thanks
for dropping over.

Oh.

You all right, Fred?

I seen your lights on.

You should have
been closed hours ago.

Tilwick, my old friend.

Come over here and
help me celebrate.

I've been saving this
bottle of champagne

since 1967 for my
daughter's wedding.

Oh, I wanted it
to be so special.

I was gonna have
tuxedos and flowers

and a little band

that I just might
conduct myself.

It was gonna be real classy.

Here, you'll have to
drink from the bottle.

Empty.

Then suck the cork.

What's wrong here, Fred?

A toast! A toast!

A toast to the old days,

when values were values
and morals were morals.

I remember when "sharing a
pad" meant borrowing a notebook.

What are you talking about?

My daughter... my daughter...

Is living with a man.

Mindy?

Oh, come on, that can't be.

It's true, it's true.

She's a loose woman and I
don't know how to tighten her.

Well, I don't believe it.

That's not the Mindy I know.

All I know is,
I've done all I can.

I can't do anything else.

Well, there's
something I can do.

What?

I'm a cop.

I represent, uh, law and order.

But he hasn't done
anything illegal.

Listen, you don't get the idea.

Now I'll just... I'll
just whip over there

and I'll just scare the
daylights out of him.

You know, "Hit the
road, hamburger!"

Like that.

You'd do that for me?

Sure, first thing

in the morning
when I get off duty.

Really? Sure.

Hello?

Hello?!

Anybody in there?

Little hatchling brothers,

you must revolt
against your oppressors.

You have nothing to
lose but your shells.

As much as I like Mindy,

it's against intergalactic law
to eat fellow space travelers.

Fly, be free!

Well, I guess we'll have to
have a quick burial at sea then.

I'll notify your next of kin.

Your brother bit the big one.

What's the matter,
have you no emotions?

Are you hard-boiled, huh?

Oh, I see.

The cold machine placed you

in a state of
suspended animation.

I'll put you over
here to warm up,

and when you revive,
you'll be free to fly.

Over here.

You people really are short,
you know that, don't you?

Oh.

Smoky!

Hi. I'm Mork.

Now, listen, kid,

I don't belong to
your fraternities,

so watch it with them
secret handshakes.

Is Mindy McConnell here?

Uh, no, she's at a
place she calls work.

A strange concept,
but she enjoys it.

Oh. And I suppose
you don't like work?

I don't know, never tried it.

I see.

So you just sponge off Mindy?

Oh, no, we've never
taken a bath together.

No, no, I mean you live off her.

Listen, I've met
your type before

and you're just about

the lowest form
of life there is.

Well, you better check
up on your biology then.

The lowest form
of life is a geje, voje

and the ever-crawling neba-jij.

Don't give me none of that
intellectual mumbo-jumbo.

I happen to be a good
friend of the McConnells

and I don't want
to see Mindy hurt.

Mindy hurt? I'd never allow it.

Then I want you to take off.

Take off? I just landed.

Now listen here, buster.

I can make a lot
of trouble for you.

You see this here uniform?

It is a uniform.

I didn't want to
make mention of it.

Are you a member
of Space Patrol?

Are you putting me on?

Putting you on?

You're not even hollow.

Yeah, right.

Did Orson send you to help me

with my friends, the eggs?

Right.

Nimnull, didn't you
see him coming?

How can I help you if you
won't even help yourselves?

Why are you looking
at me like that?

Am I in trouble?

Fred, I got to talk to you.

Uh, did you scare him off?

Well... he won't be
bothering Mindy anymore,

but I didn't scare him off.

Well, what?

You what?!

Well, I just wanted you

to get rid of him... not that.

Well, I had to.

I-I didn't want to, but
I had to do my duty.

You think I enjoyed it?

This is about Mork, isn't it?

What have you done?

Well, I... I just went up there

to scare the little fella.

It's not my job, but
when I seen him,

I knew I had to do my duty,

as much as I hate it.

Well, what was your duty?

Well, I know he's
a friend of yours,

but that guy is bonkers...
I had to take him in.

They're going to have a
sanity hearing tomorrow,

and I'm afraid they're
going to put your friend away.

Daddy, how could you?!

Tilwick, how could you?

Well, the court is well aware

of your qualifications

as a psychiatrist, Dr. Litney.

Now, you examined the defendant?

Uh, yesterday,

and I may say...

Stop everything!

Oh, Mork, I'm sorry we're late,

but they wouldn't tell us

where the meeting
was being held.

Young lady, cases of this kind

are not supposed to
be public spectacles.

Ah, but we're here
as character witnesses

for the defendant...
Although personally,

I never really liked him.

Your Honor,

my name is Mindy McConnell,

and this is my father,

and I want to go
on record as saying

that Mork has the
right to have a lawyer.

I will not permit him to
be on trial without counsel.

I'm his lawyer!

The court appointed me.

Young lady, this is
an informal situation,

but I assure you, no one
is trying to railroad anyone.

Uh, may I ask just
one little question?

Oh, why not?

The question is...

Mork is innocent!

True, he is different from most,

but this great country was

built on the rights of
individuals to be individuals.

We have the God-given
right to be eccentric,

and therefore I demand...

that Mork be
exonerated and set free!

I suggest you sit down.

We're hearing the
testimony of Dr. Litney.

Oh. I'm sorry.

She's sorry.

Dr. Litney... If we
may continue...

What was your conclusion
after examining the defendant?

Your Honor, my conclusions are

that the patient is
extremely childlike

and incapable of learning.

He has also exhibited

marked antisocial behavior.

Therefore, it is my
opinion that the defendant

is incompetent to
function in society.

No more questions.

No questions.

But you have

to ask questions!

Mork, don't let
them do this to you.

You don't know what it means.

I have a vague idea.

I saw a rerun of
Perry Mason last night

and Inherit the Wind.

Since there are no
more witnesses...

Your Honor, I salute you.

Nanu-nanu.

Your Honor, in your law,

is it true that I have a
right to speak for myself?

Well... yes.

Dr. Litney...

you don't like me, do you?

Your Honor, I have never been

interrogated by
a patient before.

Then how do you
know I'm doing it now?

You said I exhibited
antisocial behavior.

Why?

Well, first of all,

you wouldn't tell me
where you were from.

And you, neither.

That's not my job.

And it's not mine,
either. We're even!

Now, about these tests you ran

that made you hate me.

Your Honor...

I don't hate this man,

but yesterday,
during one of my tests,

he tried to put a square
peg into a round hole.

But I did it, Your Honor.

He did. He did.

I don't know how he did it,

but I can't get the peg out now,

and it ruined a
perfectly good board.

And that's why you
dislike me, Dr. Litney.

I can sense that.

Your Honor, I don't
have time for this, really.

Oh, the time? Excuse me.

It's... 10:36 exactly.

You see, Your
Honor, he's wearing

a wristwatch on his ankle.

No, Your Honor, I'm wearing

an ankle watch on my ankle.

If I was wearing an
ankle watch on my wrist,

then I'd be crazy.

Your Honor, you
see he's a wiseacre.

And you don't like wiseacres,

do you, Dr. Litney?

No, I don't!

And that's why you're
prejudiced against me.

I didn't say that.

You see how he's cleverly
twisting my words, Your Honor?

Oh, so you're calling
me clever now, Dr. Litney.

Isn't that another
word for intelligent?

So you see, Your Honor,

doesn't this case hinge
on my ability to learn?

Yes, it does, Your Honor.

And by the way, he flunked

his word association
test outright yesterday.

That's the test where I
give him words like, uh, like...

White. Black.

Tall. Uh, short.

Sky. Birds.

Sex. Uh, Pamela!

You said you'd never tell!

Oh...

Never tell, never tell.

Shh, shh.

You promised.

Now you've ruined everything!

Pamela! You and Litney?

I thought we were...

Your Honor, I have a patient

to take care of
in a short while.

Could you excuse me?

No, you're not going
anywhere without me.

Just a s... Pamela! Pamela!

Your Honor...

Your Honor, the defense rests.

While it's true that
the, uh, defendant

may add a new dimension
to the word "eccentric,"

there is no law against that.

And since it appears he's no
danger to himself or society,

and we no longer
have a prosecutor,

or a witness

or anyone to write this down...

case dismissed.

We won. We won!

You won!

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Come in, Laser Breath.

Watch it, Mork.

I'm only 60 million
light-years away.

Just tell me what you've
learned about Earth.

Oh, I've learned a lot.

So much, it's hard
to comprehend.

It seems that everyone on
this planet is an individual,

and not only that,
they're proud of it.

Amazing!

If everyone's different,
how can a society function?

Not very well.

They almost locked me up

because they thought
my mind was imperfect.

Hmm. Intelligent life.

Orson...

something very strange happened

that really confuses me.

I met this Earth girl
and her biological father,

and at my hearing,

they came to my
defense, especially the girl.

She defied the
system to protect me.

Why would she do such a thing?

I don't know.

It must have something
to do with emotions.

Investigate the
phenomenon closely.

It's interesting behavior,

even if it is irrational.

Yes, it is.

Orson, this may
sound strange, but...

knowing that someone
would do that for me,

well, it makes me
feel really good inside.

Just remember, Mork,

you're sent there to observe,

not to get involved.

Yes, Your Immenseness.

This is Mork signing off
from Boulder, Colorado.

Until next week... nanu-nanu.