More Tales of the City (1998): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

Mm.

Don't you two ever make it to chow
at the same time?

Little woman's probably worked up
one hell of an appetite.

Out boogiein' all night?

- Boogieing
- Yeah, you know... dancing.

Well, didn't they set up a disco
in the Casablanca bar?

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

I hit the sack early last night
with Christopher Isherwood.

- Mouse, do you have--
- Wait a minute. Run that by me again.

- It's a book.
- Christopher and His Kind.

- Mouse, I really think--
- What's it about?



He wrote Cabaret.

- Ah. It's about Krauts, huh?
- You bet.

They have blueberry pancakes today, Mouse.

Isn't Liza Minnelli just darling?

Hm?

Okay, so, give me the dirt.

Come on!

Did he ravish you on the poop deck,
brutalize you in the bilge?

Suck your toes?

- Buy you a cup of coffee?
- Mouse, you ruined breakfast for me.

Okay, so If I'm so boring,
why didn't you ask Burke to join us?

What, so you can tell Melvin Arnold
snappy stories about the little woman?

Hey look, the young married routine
was your idea, remember?

- Lower your voice!
- Lower your own goddamn voice.



What the hell do you think I am, anyway?
Rent a Hubby?

[telephone ringing]

[sighs]

[grunts]

- Yeah?
- Bruno, it's Beauchamp Day.

[sighs]

More snow already?

Um... maybe that, too.

I have a special request this time.

[groans] Um...

I've got some, uh... purple haze now
and... some dynamite black beauties.

This is different.

You remember that friend of yours
who settles scores?

Mm.

It's not what you think,
it's nothing heavy, it's just... I need...

It's... kind of special.
I mean, it's a...

- special situation.
- [sighs]

- It'll cost you.
- I know, I know.

Um, when can we talk?

- Tonight, eight o'clock.
- Where?

[grunts] At the Doggy Diner.

[groans]

Uh...

No snow, huh?

Um...

- No, no, Bruno, not tonight.
- [sighs]

[cable car bell ringing]

[sighs]

- Bourbon balls?
- No, thanks. They're lovely, though.

I'll get straight to the point,
Mrs. Halcyon.

Vita Keating suggested I approach you,
concerning your interest in Pinus.

Hm.

How much do you know about Pinus?

Oh, well...
most of it's hearsay, of course.

Word of mouth
is our strongest safeguard.

Discrimination seems to be
a nasty word these days, doesn't it?

We think of it as...

quality control.

[chuckles]

And, of course, the less publicity
we receive, the more we can...

fulfill the needs of our members.

This is our brochure.

I'm sure you'd like
to mull it over alone.

Aside from the social criteria,
the only other requirement

for membership
is to have reached one's 60th birthday.

- Your timing is perfect.
- I know.

- Did Vita--
- Our philosophy is this.

That women of our... maturity

and our station in life

are entitled to whatever lifestyle
we can afford.

We have, after all,
played by the rules for 40 years.

Raising children, tolerating husbands,

joining the right clubs,
supporting the correct charities.

We have paid our dues.

Pinus is not,
of course, the only solution.

It's simply the most fulfilling one.

And if we have the money for it,

why on earth should we squander it
on face- lifts

and body tucks and youth injections?

Fortunately, women like us
can afford the best.

And what's wrong with that?

What's wrong with demanding our piece
of the pleasure pie?

Can I talk to you, Grandma?

Who's mindin' the switchboard?

- Charlene.
- [scoffs]

Well...

Keep it short and...

you can quit this Grandma crap.

Well? What's the problem?

I'm going home.

- I'm going back to--
- I heard you the first time.

Ashamed of me, are you?

No! I could never be ashamed of you.

So why are you quittin'...

the first decent job
you ever had in your life?

I don't know.

It's spring and I keep thinkin'
about San Francisco.

There are these purple trees
on Barbary Lane.

- [sighs]
- So why'd you leave?

Lookin' for family, I guess.

I thought you said you'd found it.

Part of it.

A big part.

Now I have to put it together.

That's why I'm taking you back
to meet my father.

Me? [scoffs]

Oh, forget it!

Uh, I ain't even seen him in...

- ...40 fuckin' years!
- Her.

- What?
- You ain't seen her in 40 fuckin' years.

- Don't make no never mind.
- Sure it does. She's your daughter now.

She ain't nothin' now!

That's good.

You're gettin' the pronoun right.
Keep workin' on it.

Where do you keep your suitcases?

[Mary Ann]
Why'd you leave California?

[Burke] I don't know.

I guess, um...

my father and all, he needed help
with the publishing business.

[Mary Ann]
Is that what you did in San Francisco?

[Burke] No. I was just, uh...

bummin' around.

[Mary Ann] For three years?

[Burke] Are you askin' me how rich I am?

- No!
- [chuckles]

- No, I didn't-- I'm--
- [laughing]

I-- I'm-- I'm flustered, I guess.

Just so damn typical.

[chuckles]

You meet someone nice...

someone you get along with fabulously.

Of course, they live 3,000 miles away
in Nantucket.

It's a gyp, that's all.

Was last night a gyp?

No.

You know that.

We have a week.

Let's make the most of it. Huh?

Okay.

Oh, how precious! [laughs]

- Make him go.
- He's only trying to sell--

Please! [vomits]

Forgive me.

- No, it's... it's okay. He just, uh--
- I'm really sorry.

- ...startled you or something.
- It wasn't him.

It was the rose.

[Anna] So, who is she, dear?

- [Brian] Who?
- [chuckles]

The creature who's driven
my carefree boy to utter distraction.

There is one, isn't there? Hm?

I think you've got the wrong carefree boy.

[laughs]

Besides, I don't feel like playin' games.

Of course, if you know any creatures,
I could use another notch on my gun.

Brian, Brian...

That isn't you, dear.

- Ah, will you lay off with that?
- I worry about you.

I know I'm a nosy old biddy.

But what the hell?
Right now, I've got nothing better to do.

May I give you some advice?

The next time you meet a girl,
someone that you really like...

pretend that you're a war hero

and that all your basic plumbing
got shot off in the war.

- What?
- [both chuckling]

I'm perfectly serious.

Don't tell a soul.

Especially her, for Heaven's sakes.

But, uh...

pretend to yourself...

that the only way you can communicate

is through your eyes

and your heart.

Hm?

Well, what if she wants, uh...

- you know, wants me to, uh...
- [chuckling]

You can't.

[laughs]

You lost your wee- wee, remember?

All you can do

is smile bravely
and invite her for dinner.

Or maybe a nice walk in the park.

And how long
do I have to keep pretendin'?

Until she asks you.

What?

[chuckles]

If you've been wounded
in the war, of course.

Then what do I tell her?

The truth.

That everything's intact.

It'll be a lovely surprise for her.

And you'll have a nice surprise, as well.

- What?
- Hm.

[sighs]

You'll know the poor dear.

You might even like her by then.

Now, let me get this straight, man.

- You don't want her greased--
- Keep your voice down!

They're all space cadets, man.
They ain't listenin'.

Okay, all right. I didn't mean to...

I'm just a little jumpy,
I've never done this before.

So, tell me what you want.

[sighs]

I want you to see to it that...

she doesn't have the baby.

The babies.

- You want me to kick her in the gut.
- I don't want you to hurt her.

You want me to kick her in the gut
without hurting her?

She's my wife, right.
I don't want any permanent harm done.

If you can't promise me that,
we might as well call the whole thing off.

How the hell do you expect me
to guarantee?   

I mean... There could be, uh...

What'd you call it?

Uh...

Complications.

Well... try to avoid them. I mean,
it can't be that difficult to arrange.

How much?

What's it worth?

Five thousand,
considering the hassles.

I'll give you seven,
but I want it done right.

- You know I'll subcontract it.
- Okay.

- I want cash in advance.
- How soon?

- Soon as I find somebody.
- Make it soon.

- And Bruno...
- Mm?

Wipe your mouth.

[telephone rings]

[opera aria playing]

Hello?

Just, uh... checking up on you.

Thanks.

If you need anything sent over,
let me know, will you?

Beauchamp, why are you being
so goddamn nice?

I guess I, uh... miss you.

I want those babies so much.

I'm not trying to hurt you.

I know, darling.
We'll just give it some time.

I just need to be by myself
for a while.

- I understand.
- [sighs]

There's a chicken pot pie in the freezer.

And Beauchamp...

I do love you.

I know.

Guess what?

What?

I'm jealous.

I'm one jealous little queen.

I'm jealous of Burke
because he's taken away my playmate.

I'm jealous of you
because you found a lover.

I'm sorry, Mouse.

I should've made up
with you earlier.

I'm... [sighs]

I'm a little edgy, I guess.

About what?

Burke.

- He's not...
- He's perfect.

[laughs]

He's strong and he's sensitive
and he's considerate and...

we're sexually...

you know, whatever, and he's...

He's protective,
but he treats me like an equal

and he doesn't crack his knuckles and...

he's perfect.

But... not perfect.

On the beach today,
someone tried to sell us a rose.

Burke took one look at the rose,
turned white and threw up.

I mean, it isn't normal.

- Is it?
- You're asking me?

I-- I tried to get him to talk about it,
but he kept changing the subject.

It's like he didn't have the least idea
why he reacted that way.

At least you found him. [sighs]

You'll find somebody, Mouse.

I know it.

In Acapulco, maybe.

Hm.

Maybe this time, huh?

Oh, I love you, Michael Mouse, for that.

What?

- Changing everything into a song lyric.
- [chuckles]

Yeah.

"Isn't Liza Minnelli just darlin'?"

[laughs]

Is, uh...

your name Douchebag?

Yeah.

I'm Bruno.

So?

I wanna talk to you.

Nope. The band's got a sound check
in two minutes.

Two minutes!

Two minutes!

[seagulls calling]

[ship's horn blares]

Uh...

Mary Ann!

Help me!

- You okay?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Uh...

♪ One, two, one, two, three, four ♪

So?

I just trash her a little bit, huh?

- Yeah.
- Like, when?

Leave that up to me, punk.

And what do I get out of it?

What do you want?

I want to start my own group.

We need 300 bucks.

♪ Don't ask for a destination ♪

It's yours.

You know the Scorpions?

Sure.

It's gonna be a group like that.

Only we're gonna sing during our periods
so we can really gross those mothers out.

Shit, man, I can't wait till I'm 13.

♪ Born- in atrocity's in our veins ♪

[sighs]

[tuts] Shit.

Por favor?

Great.

[sighs]

Uh...

Know any gay places?

You want a red light?

Uh, no, not red light. Um...

Men?

- Men?
- Sí, men.

Oh, homosex.

Homosex?

♪ Please don't talk about love tonight ♪

♪ Please don't talk about sweet love ♪

♪ Please don't talk about bein' true ♪

♪ And all the trouble we've been through ♪

♪ Ah, please don't talk about
All the plans we had ♪

♪ For fixin' this broken romance ♪

♪ I want to go where the people dance ♪

♪ I want some action ♪

♪ I want a little action ♪

♪ I've got so much to give ♪

- ♪ I want to give it ♪
- Dos Equis?

♪ I want to get some too ♪

♪ Oh, I ♪

♪ Oh- oh- oh, I ♪

♪ I love the nightlife ♪

♪ I've got to boogie ♪

♪ On the disco round, oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, I love the nightlife ♪

♪ I've got to boogie ♪

♪ On the disco round 

♪ Wind and fire and fallin' rain
I'll be comin' through ♪

♪ There ain't nothin' gonna keep me
From you, my love ♪

♪ No, nothin' ♪

♪ Nothin' gonna keep me from you
My love ♪

♪ I'll find you

♪ Anyplace where you may hide ♪

♪ I'll be by your side ♪

♪ There ain't nothin' gonna keep me
From you, my love ♪

♪ No, nothin' ♪

♪ Nothin' gonna keep me from you
My love ♪

♪ I'll find you ♪

[man] Hey, gringo,
you want to buy my sister?

♪ I admit it , I'm really a dreamer ♪

Michael?

♪ And I'm reachin' for a star
Too high up there for hangin' on ♪

- What the hell are you doing here?
- [chuckles]

It's the only queer joint in Acapulco.

Why Acapulco?

I'm on a cruise.

Uh, ship type.

What brings you here?

Vaginal infections.

You don't look sick.

[chuckles]

I'm at a convention, turkey.

A million laughs, huh?

Well, it is, actually.
We get a lot of free time.

It's good seeing you, Jon.

- You're leaving?
- Yeah. [sighs]

This place looks like the Ramrod
on a bad night.

Don't worry,
I'm sure you'll find somethin'.

I thought I had!

I have a car.

We could go for a ride or something.

[telephone rings]

[heavy breathing]

Hello?

[heavy breathing continues]

Look, if you just give me
your phone number, that's all.

Hey, tell me your name, then.

- Just your first name, if you want.
- [laughing]

[sighs]

I'm a nice guy, I swear.

Don't you think this is a little weird?

[trembling breaths]

[gasping]

[hangs up]

[sighs]

You haven't forgiven me, have you?

For what?

The Endup dance contest.

I don't blame you.

- It was a tacky scene.
- [scoffs]

I was the tacky one, I was with some...

pissy queens from Seacliff,
and I just couldn’t handle it.

Why would you even want friends like that?

I don't. Not anymore.

[chuckles]

I won the contest, you know.

You should have.

Gracias.

Mouse?
Mouse, you will never believe what--

Bet I will.

[laughs]

Oh, I-- I feel sick.

- [belching]
- [Mona] Don't start that again.

Ugh, My stomach feels tetchy.

You're just nervous. It's okay.

It's okay to experience a--

It ain't okay with me, girl.

Please, Mother Mucca,
don't you want to meet Anna?

Anna?

Anna? [scoffs]

I called him Andy for 16 years!

What are you starin' at?

I know, but a lot has changed.

Says who?

[man] Help with your bags?

Is it this way?

[cable car bell ringing]

- Do you play with him?
- Yeah, he's great.

Uh...

- Look at him!
- Let's go this way and ask.

So, what's he look like?

[chuckles] I told you that already.

Well, tell me another goddamn time.

She's very...

very majestic.

God.

Sounds like a fuckin' racehorse.

See for yourself, then.

Taxi!

[woman] Isn't it marvelous?

I love watching them work.

It's so graceful and...

precise and... predictable.

- Unlike life.
- Unlike life.

Whoa.

[chuckles]

You look fine.
I'm the one who ought to be worrying.

You're eating for two, honey.

- Three.
- [whistles]

You get dessert.

You're not married, are you?

I'm separated. Why did you think...

You just look, um... independent.

Oh...

By the way...
[chuckles] My name's DeDe.

D'orothea.

- With an apostrophe.
- An apostrophe?

Mm- hm.

I used to be a model, in a previous life.

Mm.

Uh...

Did you tell him we were coming?

I didn't say when, I didn’t want
to put her in a negative space

- before we--
- What the hell are you talkin' about?

I didn't want
to make her feel uncomfortable.

[scoffs] You didn’t mind
making me feel uncomfortable.

Behave yourself, will you?

Come on. It's gonna be just fine.

I can't...

Mona, darlin', I... [sniffles]

I don't look like an old witch, do I?

Oh, Mother Mucca, you're beautiful.

Look... Don't worry, please.
She's gonna love you.

Oh, we ain't brought her nothin'.

We're all she needs.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Mm. Okay.

[sighs] Well...

[sniffles]

Ring the doorbell, girl. [chuckles]

[footsteps]

Well? Do I get a hug?

Or don't I?

Isn't there somebody
you'd like me to meet?

- Oh God, I'm sorry!
- [scoffs]

Girl's got the manners of a mule.

[tuts]

[gasps]

S-- So glad you came.

Okay, well...

Can't stay long, ah... uh...

I know.

[sighs]

We can have a little sherry
and a nice chat.

Mm. Yeah.

I never thought I'd meet
anyone like you on this trip.

Come on. With your looks?

I mean it.

Most of the guys I meet in San Francisco,

all they wanna do is talk about
their dumb Porsches,

their tape decks, but...

Oh, it's what you say, Burke. It's...

I don't know, it's...

[chuckling] how you look at me,
how you react to things.

I...

I know you look at me as an equal.

I'll always be grateful for that.

Ever think about moving
to San Francisco?

Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.

- That's okay.
- No, it's-- it's not.

I... I should change the subject.

No, um... we should talk.

Oh, God.

- Michael always had this instinct--
- Listen to me, Mary Ann.

[laughs]

I'm listening.

I lived in San Francisco
for three years.

Three whole years of my life, and...

Do-- do you know why I'm so out of it?

Do you know where my goddamn
boyish naiveté comes from?

I-- I live in San Francisco too,
and a lot of my friends--

Listen, will you?

I can't remember
a single goddamn thing about it.

Not a single goddamn thing.

Do you mean you...

You mean you have amnesia?

[laughs]

Oh, Burke!

[laughing]

It ain't natural.

I thought we'd gotten past that.

Speak for yourself.

I raised that child.

That's my own flesh and blood.

You raised her in a goddamn whorehouse,
what did you expect? John Wayne?

[scoffs] I'm gonna slap you!

I thought I had some butter cookies,

but I think one of the children
might've polished them off.

You got children?

She means the tenants.

I call them children.

It-- It's a little silly, I suppose.

But they don't seem to mind.

Or, if they do, they don't tell me.

So...

You've had lots of adventures, I suppose.

Winnemucca's a trip. [laughs]

Mm. I can imagine.

I hope Mona wasn't in the way.

She's a lot like both of us,
don't you think?

She has your looks, though.

Ain't no wonder. Hm.

What?

You call that a hat?

Oh. [chuckles]

Well, I don't see what--

Damnation, girl,
ain't you got no hair?

[sighs]

Of course I... I have...

Then why the hell you got it
all crammed up under that bonnet

like you was bald as an egg?

Look, girl.

You and me gotta talk.

I assumed that was the purpose
of this visit.

So where's your goddamn bedroom? Hm?

This way.

[sighs]

- And the thing about the roses?
- That's part of it.

I also freak out
on walkways with railings along the side.

- Like... Like you did yesterday.
- That's part of it, too.

Hm.

- Burke?
- Mm- hm?

Do you at least remember
why you went to San Francisco?

I was a reporter. I was assigned there
by the Associated Press.

And you remember nothing about it?

Oh, the first part's gruesomely clear.

The boredom, the deadlines.

- After five weeks, I quit.
- Hm.

Oh, that's where
the three- year blackout started.

What about your parents?

Didn't you write to them?

Just the usual
"I'm fine, don't worry about me" stuff.

- Oh.
- I lived on Nob Hill for a while.

I know that.

I attended services at Grace Cathedral.
I did temporary clerical work.

So, at least you remember that much.

Oh, that's only what I told them.
I don't remember.

Well... [laughs]
If you don't remember,

then how'd you get back to Nantucket?

- They found me.
- Who did?

Some cops in Golden Gate Park.

Seems I passed out. Took them three days
to even figure out who I was.

I was lucky.

- I guess.
- Hm.

The Nantucket stuff came back
almost immediately, along with my name.

I just don't know what I was doing
in San Francisco.

Welcome to the club.

[laughs]

Can I ask you one thing?

Please.

Who's gonna love you like this?

Like what?

Well, you ain't neither one thing
or t'other.

Oh. This your feller?

Yes.

He is.

[Mother Mucca] Oh! [chuckles]

Right purdy, huh?

[laughs]

He went to the Blue Moon once.

When he was a boy.

Nah, come on. [scoffs]

[snorts]

He did!

He had Margaret. [laughs]

He told me.

[scoffs loudly]

God!

She-- She used
to read you Winnie- the- Pooh!

- Huh!
- I know!

I--

I remember.

Oh...

Oh, Mama!

Oh, Mama!

Oh!

I know, baby.

[sobbing] Oh! Oh!

I know.

[Anna sobbing]

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's okay.

Get. Hm.

- There, there.
- Mama.

- There.
- [door closes]

- Oh...
- My baby.

- Oh.
- Mm- hm.

[ship's horn blares]

[yelling in Spanish]

[Michael sighs] Look at him.

He'd look gorgeous
in an aerial photograph.

[Mary Ann]
I told you it would work out.

- Yes, I guess you did.
- [chuckles]

- He's awfully nice.
- I know.

- It scares the hell out of me.
- Why?

Oh, don't make me analyze it.
When I analyze things, they--

stop happening.

You know what I mean, don't you?

God, yes!

Seems like every time I start up
with somebody new,

I can see the beginning and the end,
all at once.

I know how it'll die.

- This time, I don't wanna know the end.
- Maybe there won't be one.

- Everything ends, babycakes.
- You and I haven't ended.

Yeah, we don't need each other.

It's those other turkeys we need.
These "one and onlys."

[sighs] At least, we think we do.

Our poor little psyches
have been marred forever

by Rock Hudson and Doris Day.

Guess what?

I did some dickering with the maître d'.

- Uh... I'm at your table now. Okay?
- [chuckles]

Oh, that's wonderful!

Arnold and Melba will just adore you.

Oh, hell.

God, what are we gonna tell them?

Well...

I think we should say that
our marriage simply isn't working, so...

we're planning an amicable divorce,

after which Burke and I will have a simple
Episcopal wedding at Grace Cathedral.

- Very funny.
- Oh, he's got a point, you know.

I could be gay.
I mean, if I can’t remember...

You are not gay. That's an order.

I don't know, look at that body, girl.

Straight dudes
don’t have washboard stomachs.

This one does.

Come on, you sickos.
I’m so hungry I could eat a steward.

Thank you.

Here they come.

Hi, young marrieds!

Oh, no...

- Ooh! Who's your friend?
- Oh, this is my friend--

[groaning]

Seasick.

Oh. He didn't strike me
as that kind of feller.

- Great legs, though.
- Huh?

Great to have sea legs.

Oh, right on! Mm!

Couldn't a psychiatrist do something?

If they could cure your amnesia,

wouldn't that take care
of your fear of roses and...

walkways with railings?

I've seen one already.

He, um...

hypnotized me and, uh, interrogated me,

and did everything but stick pins
in a voodoo doll, and...

nothing.

What if you...

I mean, I was wondering.

Maybe-- Wouldn't it sort of...

jog your memory if you, you know,
came back to San Francisco?

It would almost be worth it.

To be with you.

It ju-- It ju-- It just seems that

if you were around your old places,
if you were exposed to them...

- [sighs]
- ...then... then maybe...

your memory might come back

and you could sort of, you know,
exorcise your phobias.

[laughs]

- Oh. Who the hell am I kidding?
- Not me.

[chuckles]

I hate goodbyes.

I always lose it.

Me too.

Nothing's ever been as nice as this.

I agree.

Then why don't we...

- Oh, God.
- [laughs]

Do I look like I'm begging?

Do I look like I'm saying no?

Dummy.

You will?

[laughs]

Well-- What about your parents?

I mean, won't they be...
a little, you know, freaked? I mean...

About... About San Francisco, I mean.

No more than I am.

I think there's a vacancy in my building.

No, it's... it's on Russian Hill,
in Barbary Lane.

It has the--
has the most darling little walkway,

like something out of a fairy tale.

And the landlady is so neat.

And Michael lives just downstairs.

It's like we've made this...
I don't know, family for ourselves.

Hold out your hand.

[chuckles] A key?

It was in my pocket
when they found me in the park.

It's all that's left of me.

Whoever I am, Mary Ann...

I love you.

Well, Burke,

I asked Mary Ann
to pick up something nice

for me in Mexico.

I didn't expect it to be this nice.

What about you, child?
What did you bring me?

[Mary Ann] His is arriving on Friday.

Lay off.

- What's all that about?
- MIchael doesn't like to talk about it.

I understand, dear.
You're superstitious about him.

It is a him, isn't it?

- Mm- hm.
- Thank heavens!

There's so few things
you can count on these days. [laughs]

Now, follow me, children.

I want the whole family together
while I clear the air.

So Andy died.

You came back as Anna Madrigal?

It's a nice name, don't you think?

- It's an anagram.
- Did you know?

I didn't know she was my father.

But she knew my past.

She's the only one who did.

So...

Burke, it's not too late to back out.

Please!

I'm so proud of you!

[Anna sighs]

I think Mona's
the luckiest person in town.

[sighs]

I don't believe you.

[chuckles]

You'll manage.

So, uh...

if there are no more questions, um...

Wait a minute.

How can Anna Madrigal
be an anagram for Andy Ramsey?

I said it was an anagram,
I didn't say what for.

So, what is it?

Well, dear...

you're talking to a woman of mystery.

[distant siren wailing]

- [laughter]
- [Mona] My hands hurt for a week!

[Burke] You're kidding.

Late date?

[chuckles]

You seeing someone now?

Uh, you could say that.

You okay?

Yeah, sure.

Good night.

Good night, dear.

Good night.

[sighs]

[door closes]

It's just that, when she told us...

a lot of other things
started to make sense.

Like what?

You have to promise not to tell.

Sure.

Well...

there was this awful man
who moved into the pentshack last year.

Norman Neil Williams.

He was always nosing around,
asking questions.

And on Christmas Eve,

I found out
he'd been investigating Mrs Madrigal.

He'd made up a big file on her,
like she was some sort of criminal.

What did he do with the file?

He didn't do anything.

I burned it.

Did he know you burned it?

No.

So where is he now?

I don't know, exactly.

He just kind of...

dropped out of sight.

He won't come chasing after you, then.

[sighs]

I hope not.

[sighs]

Doc. Gynecologist.

What was the purpose of your visit?

Uh... Business.

[whistling]

I do not know you.

Come on, big boy. You remember.

We bumped into each other
at the roller rink in South City.

1948, I believe it was.

You're an asshole, you know that?

- Did you miss me?
- [drumming]

That grey- haired man behind you
is the most distinguished gynecologist

- on the West Coast.
- [bells jangling]

- He has dandruff.
- He knows me.

I'd never hire a gynecologist
with dandruff.

Would you at least slow down?

- Why, you wanna smooch?
- [chanting]

I'll punch you out, so help me.

You're a stuffy old bastard,
you know that?

♪ Krishna, Hare Krishna ♪

- ♪ Krishna, Krishna ♪
- Mm.

♪ Hare, Hare ♪

- ♪ Hare Rama ♪
- Satisfied?

- ♪ Hare Rama ♪
- Satiated.

[bell jingling]

[jingling continues]

We've been avoiding roses.

At least, we've been trying to.
And walkways.

But as long as we keep doing that,

we're just gonna keep avoiding
the cause of your amnesia

and I think we should be dealing with it.

So what do you want me to do?
Camp out in a rose garden?

Well, yes!
[laughs] Something like that.

- Forget it!
- Burke.

There's this warehouse south of Market,
where they sell flowers.

All the retailers go there

At five in the morning, no doubt.

- Three. [chuckles]
- Ouch.

Aww.

We could stay out all night long.

Find a little place with onion soup,
like they do in Paris.

- We could turn it into a real adventure!
- [sighs]

Hm?

Oh... [sighs]

Don't you see?

If we expose you to a lot of roses,
I mean thousands of them,

we might short- circuit
whatever it is that's freaking you.

- Oh, terrific.
- I mean--

It wouldn't be a surprise or anything.

You could prepare yourself,
and I'd be with you.

And just when do you want to pull off
this caper?

Well... [chuckles]

Tonight, right?

[laughs]

Okay.

Where are you going?

Well, I have to change, don't I?

Will jeans do ,
or do I need a tuxedo for Les Halles?

[laughs]

Now where are you going?

If I'm gonna deflower you,

you can at least return the favor.

[moaning]

♪ Praise Jesus ♪

♪ Love... ♪

[man on TV] Anita Bryant was once known
as an orange juice saleswoman.

Not anymore.

With a religious fervor that has made her

America's most controversial
woman overnight,

she has been selling
her Save Our Children group.

[Anita] I love homosexuals,
if you can believe that.

- [Jon] What the hell?
- Enough to tell them the truth.

Because I know that there is hope
for the homosexuals,

that if they're willing to, uh...
turn from, uh, sin,

the same as any individual,

that, uh...
that they can be ex- homosexuals,

the same as you can be an ex- murderer,
an ex- thief, or ex- anybody.

- [man] Her group is crusading...
- She sells orange juice.

...to repeal a new Dade County law,
which protects homosexuals

in jobs and housing.

- Anita and her church--
- So?

Stop drinking it.

My folks grow oranges.

Shit is happening
in their own backyard.

Bryant says no homosexual should
have the right to teach her four children.

- She's in Miami with that message.
- Right.

- Those who call her a religious bigot...
- Probably out saving the children now.

- Her campaign...
- They're saving them from me.

...on both sides...

- Do they even know about you?
- [sighs] Not yet.

- You think they're ready?
- Ah, they'll never be ready.

- Gay activists told...
- [sighs]

They're past changing.

Most of them left the building
in favor of the law.

For those who have some sympathy...

[scoffs] They just get more of the same.

- If a person is for the gay rights law...
- Then why?

I love them, Jon.
They don't even know who I am.

If a person is against the law...

Well, they're 3,000 miles away.

Yeah.

- Can't they keep assuming that you're--
- An eccentric old bachelor?

That's what they call them in Orlando.
Uncle Roger was one.

Taught English and raised day lilies.
[chuckles]

Made these little puppets
out of knotted handkerchiefs.

Everybody liked him
'cause he played by the rules.

Never made 'em think about it.
Not until the day he died.

I never saw him touch another human being.

Not one.

I hope to God he got laid.

[sighs]

I bet you can't roll with six of them.

[Mary Ann] It's eerie, but it's kind of
glamorous at the same time.

Remember Audrey Hepburn in Charade?

- You aren't nervous, are you?
- The word is numb.

- You want me to go first?
- I'm ready.

- We can leave any time you want.
- Let's do it.

[man]
I've got a will- call on a batch of...

[woman] You know what?
Um, let's have some--

Excuse me.

Do you have any roses?

Over there.
But they're all wholesale, love.

Mm.

Now, Burke, I want you to let me know

- if at any point--
- It's okay, sweetheart. I'm...

It's all right.

Go closer.

[Mary Ann] You wanna go closer?

[gasping]

[vomiting]

Well, it seemed like a good idea
at the time.

It was a crummy idea.
We should never have come here.

Did you see the guy
with the hair transplant?

Yes?

Maybe I'm wrong,
but I could've sworn he recognized me.

- Are you sure?
- No. But it was like I startled him.

You wait here. Wait here?

Mm- hm.

[moans]

Jon?

Jon.

Something's wrong.

Oh, you're just dreamin', sport.
It's okay.

No, it's not. I can't move.

[groans]

It's my legs. I can't move my legs.

Mary Ann.

Burke and Mary Ann are here.

- Did you wake them?
- No, we-- What's the matter?

We're workin' on that.
My legs have gone to sleep.

- [Jon] You feel that?
- [Michael] No.

No.

- How about this?
- Yes!

Good.

Good, my ass! What's goin' on?

I'm taking you to the hospital.

- I'll call your parents.
- I'd rather you didn't.

I think we should, Mouse, I think
your family deserves to know.

This is my family.

- We'll meet you there.
- Yeah.

[woman on PA]
Dr. Maskell, please report to ICU.

Dr. Maskell, please report to ICU.

They're going to do a spinal.

I don't know what that means.

A lumbar puncture. They'll check
for elevated protein levels, uh...

diminished white cells.

They think it’s Guillain- Barré.

Uh, Jon, translation?

It's a rare form of paralysis.

It starts in the feet, then the legs,
usually, and it, uh...

it climbs.

Nobody knows what causes it,
and lots of times, uh...

it goes away completely.

The only real risk
is to his respiratory system.

If the paralysis advances enough
to impede breathing,...

Yes?

Then they'll perform a tracheotomy.

It's that serious?

What did the doctors say?
What can they do?

Nothing.

It's like watching somebody...

sink in quicksand.

[birdsong]

What did you tell DeDe?

Oh, the truth.

- Well, in part.
- [laughs]

I told her I was going
to the family house in Napa.

- Oh.
- She wasn't listening. She's so...

distracted lately.

Didn't I read she's pregnant?

Very.

She's expecting twins.

- Aren't you nervous about leaving?
- No, I...

How long is this going to take?

- Hmm. It depends.
- On what?

On how much you like it.

[laughs]

Well...

A few days won't hurt.

Anyway, she has
the most divine young gynecologist.

I am a little tired
of playing the doting grandmother.

You won't have to worry
about that at Pinus.

Most of us are grandmothers,

but you're shot at dawn
if you talk about it. [laughs]

Open the glove compartment, darling.

- Why?
- Just do it.

You see that little silver pill box?

- Yes.
- Look in the back.

You'll find a thermos.

Uh- huh...

I want you to pour yourself
a nice cup of apple juice

and take a vitamin Q tablet.

Vitamin Q?

Don't ask questions.
You're in our hands now.

For God's sake, Mary Ann.
Three typos! Three!

Christ, I could do better
with a Kelly Girl!

I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry, Beauchamp, I just...

I-- I can't concentrate today.
I have a friend who's sick.

Boyfriend?

No, he's just-- he's a good friend.

I'm sorry about that, but I can't afford
to give you time off right now.

I didn't ask for any.

You were crying,
I've seen that routine before.

It's not a routine!

- Give me the letter.
- You don't have to get sullen.

Give me the letter!

You're pushin' it, girl.

Think I won't shit- can you
'cause you worked for the old man?

Or better still, 'cause I screwed you
a couple of times?

Oh, actually, I think about you
as little as possible.

Oh! Farrah Fawcett- Dumbshit made a funny!

I'm leaving.

You're goddamn right you're leaving!

Jesus H Christ, how long
do you think I could stomach you

and your cutesy- pie cartoons
on the file cabinets?

Fine. You can do your own decor.

You can call some
of your chic closet- case friends,

maybe they can help you out.

You're as common as they come.

Maybe.

[scoffs] Maybe?

Why do you think
you’re still a secretary, sweetie pie?

'Cause you’re a dumb little
bourgeois bitch

and you'll stay that way.

until someone gives you
a set of Tupperware

for 20 years' loyal secretarial service.

Well, thank God it won't be me!

I have never met anyone as horrible--

Forget the other agencies.

There won’t be any glowing
recommendations from Halcyon.

Eat shit and die.

[door slams]

"Too much of a good thing
is... wonderful!"

[chuckling]

A cheeseburger, an order of fries
and a chocolate shake!

And step on it!

- [man] You're back!
- You missed me?

- Is the Pope Catholic?
- Oh, you're sweet.

[laughs] Open up, Blue!

We've got the new gal with us.

You're going to like Bluegrass.

Under normal circumstances,
he's assigned to me, but, uh...

Well, I... I like you, Frannie. Take him.

[laughing] Oh! Helena! I couldn't!

Oh! Pish!

[laughing]

[radio static crackling]

[man] Extreme caution, sending backup.

[telephone rings]

One Adam 14...

... at 245...

- Yeah?
- [Beauchamp] Bruno, it's me.

I know a lot of mes.

Well, this is the me in Jackson Square.
Do...

- Do you have the man?
- I've got...

I got the person.

Okay, listen.

My wife's going
to a fashion show tomorrow night.

It’s out at the Palace
of the Legion of Honor.

She’ll be driving her mother’s Mercedes.

You can't miss it.
The license plate says "FRANNI."

F- R- A- N- N- I, you got that?

I got it.

How do you want the money?

Tens and twenties.

Meet me. Same place as before.

I'll call the contact.

- Listen Bruno, I don't want her--
- I know!

I won't accept responsibility
if she's, uh...

Hm.

If it's permanent.

Is that perfectly clear?

You're a fuckin' prince.

[ducks quacking]

I feel marvelous, Helena!

You can Jane, if you like.

- What?
- Scream.

We-- We call it Janing.
It's a sort of Tarzan yell for women.

Only it's a lot more fun. Go ahead.

Go on. Give it a whirl.

All right.

[ululating]

- No! No, that's not Janing, darling.
- [laughing]

- Well, then, how do you?
- You do it like this.

Huh...

huh, huh, huh...

[grunting]

[screaming]

[groans]

- Where is everyone?
- Hiding, probably.

The other girls are a little wary
of talking to youngsters

and technically, you're not 60
until tomorrow night.

[chuckles]

What do I do till then?

Ask Birdsong.

Who?

Who?

- Oh, Mrs. Parrish, I didn't know you--
- That's all right, Birdsong.

This is Mrs. Halcyon.

Hello.

Oh, How do you do?

[Helena] Birdsong is your houseboy.

I must dash.

Ta- ta!

Huh?

Well, I suppose it's time for your bath.

[giggles]

My bath?

[elevator bell dings]

[woman on PA]
Call for Dr. Fielding on line two.

Line two, Dr, Fielding.

- This is Jon Fielding.
- [Beauchamp] What's up, Doc?

[sighs]

[chuckles] I didn’t exactly
expect the trumpet fanfare,

but after all this time, the least
you could muster is a cheery hello.

Are you calling
about your wife's pregnancy?

I thought you and I could get together
and make a few babies.

- Just for old times' sake, mind you.
- I'm going to hang up now.

Oh, come off it!

I think I made it clear to you before,
I don't want you to call me here.

Or anywhere else, for that matter.

What's the matter,
you goin' steady or somethin'?

You're a slug, Beauchamp.

[chuckles] I'll bet you say that
to all the boys.

Mm! [chuckles]

Look at you!

A queen's wet dream. [groans]

How you feelin'?

Ah, less and less. It's normal, isn't it?

Sure.

It usually ascends.

Before it gets better, that is.

I gotcha.

How's that? You feel it moving up?

It's kind of tingling.

Mm. So, what's in the bag?

Jon! Oh, you remembered!

God, this must be late '50s, at least!

I've gotta see the ads.

You know, whoopee cushions

and that little metal thing that was
supposed to turn you into a ventriloquist.

You ever send off for one?

No, of course you didn't.

And I bet you never read
the Charles Atlas ads either.

Listen, asshole, if you were ever...

a 98- pound weakling,
you sure got over it fast.

That'll go.

And the pecs. [sighs]

They'll go down
like a preacher’s daughter.

When will this be over, Jon?

It can run its course
in a matter of... a matter of weeks.

What the fuck?
I’m gonna be paralyzed, aren’t I?

I think so.

- And how am I gonna breathe?
- It may not progress that far.

You poor bastard.

Thought you had a fruit,
you ended up with a vegetable!

Just shut up, will you?

Hold my hand?

[sighs]

Hm.

Is that better?

It's kind of tingling.

Your hand?

Act two, right?

I don't wanna die.

Just shut up.

I’m sorry.
That was terribly Jane Wyman of me.

Don't worry.

I'm gonna be right with you,
all the time.

Mm.

[sighs]

[loud rock music playing]

[switches music off]

Tomorrow night.

- You got that?
- Yeah, yeah, I got it.

I'll call you there.

Don't move till then.

When I call...

you run like hell up that hill
to the Legion of Honor.

It'll be some time after eight o'clock.

- You know how to get here?
- I told you, man.

[sighs]

I promise you, punk.

You screw this up
and you won't get the dough.

Okay, okay.

[birdsong]

Hi, it's DeDe.

- Hey! How's the tummy?
- Bigger.

- But not better?
- I don't know, really. I worry a lot.

Hmm. About what?

Well... it's morbid.

But sometimes I get the creepiest feeling

that something horrible's gonna happen.

My gynecologist tells me
it's typical for first- timers,

so I guess
I just shouldn't worry about it.

You need to get out more.

Could you go to a Junior League
fashion show tonight?

I know it's late notice, but...

You free for lunch?

[meows]

I used to be a model, DeDe.

At Halcyon Communications.

[laughs] What?

I was one
of the adorable pantyhose girls.

- Why didn't you say?
- [sighs]

Well, for one thing,
your husband fired me.

And, um...

I wasn't sure if you find him
as big an asshole as I do.

Oh, God, D'Or. We're separated, remember?

Yeah, but things
are so goddamn mellow these days.

I mean,
you two could be taking S together or...

going to Incompatibility Rap Sessions
or whatever.

[DeDe] Why did he fire you?

I didn’t show up for a couple of jobs.

My skin was...

I had a skin condition.

And the whole time it was wearing off,
I looked like hell.

It's a long story, DeDe.

My precise words
about me and Beauchamp.

[both chuckle]

[low speech on radio]

[sighs]

What do you think? Hm?

It's beautiful.

We'll fly it on the beach
when you're feeling better.

I picked up your mail for you, Mouse.
Do you want me to read it?

What is it?
Pink slip from the clap clinic?

Uh, no. [laughs]

I think it's a letter from your parents.

- Great, go ahead.
- Yeah?

Okay.

"Dear Mikey,

your papa and I were glad
to get your card from Acapulco.

I guess you're back now.
Please write to us.

Also, how is Mary Ann
and when will we get a chance to meet her?

Orlando has been real cold this winter,

but I expect you heard all that
on Walter Cronkite.

Some of the oranges were frozen
clear through.

But Papa says for you not to worry,
since we’re still getting 3.50 a box.

The only problem now is with...

the homosexuals."

Shit, Mouse.
Maybe we should do this later.

No, go on.

Okay.

"Down in Dade County, they passed a law

that says you can't refuse
to hire homosexuals

or even refuse to rent to them.

Anita Bryant spoke out against it,
bless her heart.

I reckon that'll help,
since she's a Christian mother of four

and a Miss America runner- up.

And Reverend Harker says,
since homosexuals can't reproduce,

they have to recruit children."

She wouldn't say that if she knew, dear.
Not about her own son.

She'd say it about somebody else's son,
what's the difference?

- Fuck, Mouse, if I could fix it for you--
- You can.

Got a pen on you?

Sure.

Take a letter, Ms. Ramsey.

Shoot.

Dear Mama...

I'm sorry
it has taken me so long to write,

but every time I try, I realize I'm not
saying the things that are in my heart.

And that'd be okay
if I loved you any less than I do.

But you are still my parents
and I am still your child.

I guess I wouldn't have written

if you hadn't told me
about your involvement

in the Save Our Children campaign.

That, more than anything,
made it clear

that my responsibility

was to tell you the truth.

That your own child is homosexual.

That I never needed saving
from anything,

except the cruel and ignorant piety
of people like Anita Bryant.

No, Mama, I was not recruited.

No seasoned homosexual
ever served as my mentor.

[Mona laughs]

But you know what?

I wish someone had.

I wish someone older than me
and wiser than the people in Orlando

had taken me aside and said,
"You're all right, kid.

You...

You're not crazy or sick or evil,

- and you can love and be loved."
- [door opens]

Hi, Mouse!

Hi, guys.

Oh, don't stop.

"You can love and be loved

without hating yourself for it."

No one ever said that to me, Mama.

I know what you must be thinking
right now.

You're asking yourself,
"What did we do wrong?

Which one of us made him that way?"

All I can say is this.

If you and Papa are responsible
for the way I am,

then I thank you with all my heart.

It's the light,

the joy of my life.

[sighs]

Being gay has shown me

the limitless possibilities of living.

It's given me people whose...
whose passion and...

kindness and sensitivity...

have provided
a constant source of strength.

It's brought me into the family
of man, Mama,

and I like it here.

I like it.

Please don't feel
you have to answer this right away.

It is enough for me to know
that I no longer have to lie

to the people who taught me
to value the truth.

Everything is fine
at 28 Barbary Lane.

Your loving son,

Michael.

[theme music playing on TV]

[man] It's time for the Family Feud!

Do you have to wear that... garbage bag?

It's disgusting.

It's all torn.

I told you to buy me
some new ones!

Where are you going?
You'll miss The Brady Bunch.

- Heidi. Heidi!
- Let's start the Family Feud!

[cheering on TV]

Promise me you won't stick your gum
up your nose tonight.

I'll have my usual.

[woman] Is that DeDe with someone?

[lively Latin music playing on radio]

[music continues]

He was so cute, Burke.

And I was furious with him.

He was with this guy I really liked.

All night long, I keep saying
to myself, "What a waste!"

What a waste!

And I believed it, too.

I believed he was wasted.
That he had gone wrong, somehow.

- But that's okay.
- [scoff]

- People change.
- [sighs]

I didn't.

Not for a long time.

- Don't be so hard on yourself.
- [sighs]

Michael loves you.
You must have done something right.

I hope.

Mary Ann, there were times in Mexico

when I was eaten up with jealousy.

[laughing] Jealousy?

- Of Michael?
- Well, Michael and you together.

Michael and you laughing
and conspiring together.

Michael and you, uh, playing tricks
on Arnold and Melba.

Um...

Michael and you pretending--
Hell, you weren't pretending!

You were married.

You were as married
as two people can be.

[laughs]

[telephone rings]

- Do you want me to get that?
- No.

[DeDe] This is such a magical place.

Sometimes I think
there's a huge magnet inside

that keeps me from leaving.

- Do you want to leave?
- I think about it.

Problem is, when you're born
at the end of the rainbow,

there's no place to go.

Maybe there's a city you haven't seen.

So? There's lots of cities
I haven't seen yet.

- Athens, Vienna...
- No, I mean here.

You know, DeDe, there's a surprising
number of people in this town

whose shoes don't match their handbags.

[sobbing]

No, no, I'm all right.

What time did he...

No, I will.

I will. Jon...

thank you for telling me.

Is, uh... Michael...

It isn't Michael!

[telephone rings]

Jesus Christ, man.
You said eight o'clock.

[Bruno] Yeah?

Well, I lied. Go home, punk.

What about my money?

[sighs]

There ain't gonna be no money,
'cause there ain't gonna be no job.

The client just got barbecued
in the Broadway Tunnel.

Shit!

[sirens blaring]