Moonlighting (1985–1989): Season 5, Episode 1 - A Womb with a View - full transcript

Blue Moon Detective Agency.

Some lowdown no-good Nick
made off with your dough?

We can't solve your case
because we don't have a show.

We went off the air
at the end of last season...

...management
wouldn't listen to reason.

Blue Moon's here,
though there's one thing we're sans...

...millions of loyal intelligent fans.

Hang in there, it'll be a bit when you
won't have to deal with this rerun--

Shut my mouth.

Oh, my goodness. Got to go.

It's you.



You came back finally.

Some of them said you might not
want to but I knew you'd come.

You would not come,
you could not come.

And now you're here, our audience.

Hey, everybody, look.

- Our audience.
- Oh, yeah.

Look, oh this is great.
This is the best.

This is:

Herbert. Herbert. Guess who's here?

- Who?
- Guess.

I'm about to checkmate myself.
I don't have time for this nonsense.

You don't have to play with yourself
anymore. They're here.

- They. They who?
- They, them.

Oh, them.



Isn't it great?

What do you mean? They're back.

Herbert, you're not still holding
a grudge, are you?

They didn't exactly take me
to their bosom last year, you know.

For crying out loud, Herbert.
Turn the page.

That was last year. This is this year.

A new season, a great season.

Your season.

My season?

Sounds swell, not a cloud in the sky,
bikini weather, folks.

We pack up the wagon,
we go to the beach...

- ...we surf.
- Mr. Addison.

Don't argue with me, Agnes.

It's about time you got
an all-over tan.

That's nice, Mr. Addison.

But I've got a feeling
we have some work to do.

Come here.

Come over here.

Did I hear you use the "W" word?

Shame on you.

- My season.
- What?

My season.

Have you students
been smoking banana peels again?

- What's the matter with you?
- Look.

- Is that who I think it is?
- Yeah.

Ain't it bitchen?

Well, I'll be a series regular.

Look, there's Cathy and Arnold and--

- Don.
- Hymie and Don.

- Look, hi, Don.
- Nancy.

- There's my friend Mark.
- Jordan.

I guess we're back
in show business, aren't we?

Wait till Miss Hayes
hears the good news.

Yeah.

So, kids, are we ready to roll up
our sleeves...

- ...and make our dialog dirty again?
- Yes, sir.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Another season, another try

To make 22 shows before we die

A chance for critics
To stalk and steer

We know they'll only make
Sixteen this year

We know they'll only make
Sixteen this year

But we don't care
Because we do our part

To make the programme
With wit and heart

So go get comfy, unplug the phone

Here come Dave and Maddie
Into your home

Here come Dave and Maddie
Into your home

Another season, another try

To make 22 shows before we die

What are they trying to do?
Screw up our chances for syndication?

- Heave.
- Heave.

Saw Bugs Bunny do that once.

Where were we?

- About to kick off the new season.
- Right. My season.

What? Hit it.

Come on, let's do it.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Lights.

Rims.

- Another season
- Yeah

Another shot

To show the country

Just what we've got

To be there every Tuesday night
For you

Without a rerun

Without a rerun

Without a rerun

Except one or two

We can't have no rerun

Because you'll change the channel

And watch NBC

Oh, yeah

Ready.

Good song, good song.
Good commercial.

Let's go right into another one,
right away.

Oh, I love this song.

If only I could figure out
what this song meant.

Something's up.

Hope she's not gonna vomit again.

Oh, examination time.

I wonder if they're
gonna take pictures today.

I'm gonna be twins
and nobody told me.

Hello, Baby Hayes.

Here's the deal, you get the brains
but I got to get the good looks.

Excuse me?

Maybe I will and maybe I won't.

Who are you anyway?
What do you want?

I got some bad news for you. This
womb ain't big enough for both of us.

Calm down, Baby Hayes.
I'm a friend, Jerome.

I'm sorry for barging in...

...but there just is no subtle way
to begin a visitation.

- What?
- A visitation.

You see, I'm an emissary
of the Creator.

Yes, he's asked me
to come visit with you.

Oh, he has, has he?

Who is this Creator?

Creator of what?

Why, the Creator of everything.
The universe, me, you.

All that is seen and indeed unseen.

All he wants is that you're prepared
for your birth.

You are familiar
with the concept of birth.

You are aware
that you'll be leaving this place.

Leave here? You must be crazy.

What did you do,
promise the room to your nephew?

Well, it won't work.

I ain't leaving. No, sir.

You couldn't blow me out here
with an A-bomb.

Yes, well I'm afraid
that that just won't do.

I'm afraid
that this is just gonna have to do.

Because you know what?
I ain't leaving.

Why should I?

Great climate,
all the food you can eat.

No stress, no cares, just kick back...

...give her a little heartburn,
play a little handball. This is the life.

No, I'm afraid it isn't and that's the
point. Life is a bit more complicated.

That's why we must get ready
for the other world out there.

What are you talking about?
What other world out where?

Out there, out there,
outside these walls.

Out there.

You know what's out there?
Intestines.

You want me to go live in intestines?

No, no, not there. The world.

The world?

The world.

Well...

- ...what's the world?
- It's a wonderful place. Or it can be.

The thing is, you've got to be prepared
and that's what this visit is all about.

Every child whose ever been born
gets one of these.

Courtesy of the Creator.

Why?

Oh, because there's a lot of confusion
out there.

But whenever a child comes into
the world there's always the hope...

...that he or she might make it
a better place.

You'd like to be part of that
wouldn't you, Baby Hayes?

I don't know.

This other world,
you got any brochures, pictures?

Yes. Lots of pictures. The world
has been around an awfully long time.

I think you'll find it fascinating.

Now what you're about to see
is a compilation of the thoughts...

...images and impressions experienced
by all men since the beginning of time.

Remember them.

They'll comprise your dreams,
your nightmares and your imagination.

Do that again.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Outstanding.

So that's all there is
to this life stuff, huh?

That was merely the beginning.

Like I told you,
the world is a complicated place.

Complicated, messy
and quite wonderful.

- You mean there's more?
- Oh, yes. We have much left to do.

What I just showed you was merely
a sort of astral coming attraction.

- See anything that caught your fancy?
- Yeah, sure.

Ice cream, music, girls.

Girls. Oh, yes.
I was very fond of them too.

Become women, you know.

The Creator takes a lot of pride
in that.

Which leads me to our next topic.

The birds and the bees.

The moms and the dads.

Pardon?

You, Baby Hayes,
are the product of two people's love.

If everything goes according to plan
when you're born...

...it's with anticipation
on the part of these people.

They're called your parents.

When you were born...

...it is almost always into the arms
of these parents.

But at your birth...

...you have neither the powers
of speech nor mobility...

...it's best you know as much...

...about these people in whose care
you've been placed.

Even when I'm a itsy-bitsy
teeny-weeny baby...

...I'm gonna know every thing
about my parents?

Yes, everyone does.

Well, what happens
when I'm old enough to talk?

Isn't God afraid I'll spill the beans?

Oh, no. You see as you get older,
as you begin to talk and see...

...and understand
all these memories...

...your time here, your time with me,
they fade away.

Nothing left but instinct
and occasional incident of déjà vu.

You guys got this figured out
40 ways to Sunday.

Well, we've had all eternity
to work it out.

This is your mother.

Hubba-hubba.

Good going, God.

Yes, she's quite
an extraordinary woman.

Bright, beautiful, a huge heart...

...though oft times
she pays it little heed.

It's the Creator's hope that your arrival
will help amend that situation.

Yes, you're a fortunate child indeed.

Can I see more?

What about my Dad?

Well, there's been quite a bit
of controversy about that.

About just who is your father.

Not in here, of course, only out there.

Your father is a fellow
named David Addison.

Dad.

Your father's a fascinating man.
Smarter than he lets on, deeper.

He has an extraordinary passion
for life...

...and an extraordinary passion
for your mother.

Make him do something.

- Would you like to meet them?
- Yeah.

Where are we?

Scene of the crime.

Joke.

I like to do one every century or so.

Never mind. This is an office building,
the place your parents met.

There. Right on schedule. That's him.

Dad.

He can't see or hear you.

Well?

I think I like him.

- Good morning, ladies.
- Good morning.

Mr. Addison.

Agnes.

What?

Miss Hayes wanted to see you
in her office when you got back.

Yeah.

Pencil her in a little later. I have
some pressing business pressing.

Mr. Addison, can I see you in my office
for a moment?

- Right now'?
- Now.

- Mom?
- Morn.

Excuse me, ladies. I believe I hear
a mood swing coming on.

Keep your motor running.

Down boys.

Hello, David.

Hello, Maddie.

If it's not too, too much trouble
would you like to explain yourself?

No trouble.
When I was in the 9th grade...

- ...I had this teacher that I--
- David...

There's more silicone in the outer
office than in Northern California, why?

Why not is the question
we should be asking.

Why, instead of working, are the men
ogling those women like tomcats?

- Beats me, which women?
- That flock of floozies.

- That bevy of bimbos.
- Mass of maracas.

Not the candidates I'll be
interviewing for the job of au pair.

Au pair? What au pair?

What a pair.

Can you tell me you can look
in that outer office and not see a pair...

...or two pair or three.
As a matter of fact, yours--

Enough.

There's never enough, you see,
that's what I'm trying to say.

No one ever listens
to what I'm trying to say.

- It was supposed to be a surprise.
- What surprise?

The au pair, the help for the bambina.
The bambino.

You honestly expect me
to trust my child to one of those.

The poor thing would get dizzy
from the bumping and grinding.

That's not very nice just because
a woman has an ample bosom...

...legs like there's no tomorrow,
a caboose that would make a grown...

- Stop it. David.
- ...man.

We don't know if any of those women
have any qualifications for childcare.

- Sure we do.
- They're here for one reason.

- You know it.
- I don't know anything.

They seemed bright to me in the
few moments that I spent with them.

They have excellent references.

- Two were in a David Lee Roth--
- Get them out of here. Now.

All right, but I think you're making
a big mistake.

Those women
are all highly-trained specialists.

Getting tassels to spin
in opposite directions?

Are you pooh-poohing this idea?

- I'm pooh-poohing this idea.
- You can pooh-pooh it if you want to.

It's pretty doggone hard to get them
tassels to spin in opposite directions.

Anyway, who says you got to be some
blue-haired old biddy to watch kids?

That bleach blonde
has motherhood written over her.

She said something about a tattoo.
I didn't know that it was--

Look what is the big deal?

She doesn't fit your image of what a
nanny is, so what? It's for around here.

Kind of an onsite day-care centre.

If the daycare giver happens
to be easy on the eyes, so what?

- David you are obsessed.
- What?

- Pornographic. Deviant.
- At least I'm keeping up with the times.

I don't need your help.
A daycare centre's fine.

How can we not be concerned for the
welfare of the corporate offspring?

Why are they talking at the same time?

It's called chemistry.

Those women are concerned
with one thing only.

Giving, giving, giving.

- Out.
- Wait a minute. You want me to get out?

I try and lend a helping hand
around here...

...and do I get
as much as a thank you? No.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Disappear, evaporate, dissolve.

With pleasure.

Pleasure's that big blonde thing
in the mini skirt.

David Addison,
I have something else to say to you.

Baby Hayes.

Something the matter?
Did the noise scare you?

Baby Hayes, I can tell
something's bothering you.

Tell me what's wrong.

That's what divine emissaries
are for.

Well, don't take this the wrong way
but I don't think I like my parents.

- Oh, come now you don't mean that.
- Yes, I do. I just don't like them.

Well, that's a shame because they're
both going to be sensational parents.

Really. I know.
I've seen some of the future episodes.

Well, I don't care. I just don't like them.

Well, that's ridiculous.
Do you know how many babies...

...would give the diaper off their bum
to have Maddie and David for parents?

It's the fighting, isn't it?

But Baby Hayes,
that wasn't a fight, that was them.

That's what Maddie and David do.
What they've always done. That was--

- A fight.
- No.

Let me tell you about those two.

They're old souls.
They've been around for centuries.

I've brought them into the world
at least a dozen times myself.

And it's always the same,
they meet, they fall in love...

...they spend their lives doing this
strange little tango together.

Let me show you something.

Maddie and David's last trip
through the world.

And I don't like you.

Oh, yeah.

Then why are you still here
talking to me?

Here I am, Mrs. Adams.

- Thought you said you didn't like me.
- I don't.

Well, then...

...you gonna tell me to go away.

I don't hear anything.

I still don't hear anything.

I'm confused.

I still don't hear anything.

They always do this?

Always.

If they didn't love each other, they
won't keep coming back for more.

Lucky you weren't born
a hundred years earlier...

...the doors were heavier then
and made a lot more racket.

Let me show you what I mean.

For 'tis plain to any fool
that it be night and not day.

Day it is if thy husband
says it be so.

Perhaps to a wife blinded by love,
but mine eyes see clear.

Love or no, I be thy liege and thy lord
that bring home the bacon...

...and provided thee with a roof
over they thick skull.

And for that, by the gods, if I say
the moon be the sun than to you...

...good wife, it shall be so.

Good wife I am in name only,
good husband.

Thus it is the moon and 'tis the moon
no matter what thee said.

'Tis the sun or no sleep for thee.

'Tis the moon and to bed I'm away.

- The sun.
- The moon.

- The sun.
- The moon!

Hope they like these jokes on the moon
because that's where you're going.

I will not stand for this.

- You will not stand.
- This, my castle.

- King. King.
- Some king.

Not even a vassal
to command in his castle.

- 'Tis the moon I choose to see.
- I'll teach you.

- In there I choose to sleep.
- On your honeymoon, you sleep there...

...without me until I say otherwise.

- Understand it. Fine.
- Understand it. Fine.

Well, why does it have to be like that,
always so complicated?

No one's sure.
There are a lot of theories though.

Perhaps Maddie's afraid that she
loves David more than he loves her.

David's afraid of the same thing.

Since they're afraid of being hurt by
the other, they act like they don't care.

But deep down they really do care.

Oh, yes, a great deal.

Come in.

- Look, Maddie I--
- David, I--

You first.

Look, David,
I know you probably meant well.

- I might have gotten carried away.
- Might have.

I figured we need somebody
to backstop "mama-rama" here...

...and if we brighten up the landscape.

What the hay.

What the hay.

You know something.

Whoever the little critter is
that gets you for a mom...

...is one lucky bambino.

Or a bambina.

I think you get the idea.

We should be getting back.

Oh, what is that?

I don't know
but it feels like handball.

Yes, yes.

I think you and David and Maddie
have a great deal to look--

- See you after lunch, Miss DiPesto.
- Okey-dokey.

Damn.

- Double or nothing.
- Pay up.

Herbert.

What are you and MacGilicuddy
torturing each other about?

Nothing, my dear. Just enjoying a
friendly round of water cooler roulette.

Your luck is about to run out, bucko.

Not before your bank account.

Why does it always go... on my turn?

I need $8.17 from you
for Miss Hayes' baby shower.

I bet that weasel's
got this thing rigged.

- Herbert.
- I'm sorry. What?

I need 8.17,
your share of the baby gift.

Oh, jeez. Agnes.
I'm sorry I'm tapped out.

Yeah, I know.

I'll cover your share.

Don't get to Chez Jay
later than 7 p.m...

...or you'll ruin the surprise.

Listen. I've been meaning to say
something. I can't make it.

- What?
- I've got other plans.

- You what?
- Got other plans?

Miss Hayes is having a baby.

This office is giving her a shower...

...and you're going to be there
with bells on.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

If you think I'm going to that shower,
you're all wet.

Herbert, why are you being like this?

- Like what?
- Like this.

This is unreasonable.

Did it ever occur to you that I might
have a perfectly valid reason...

- ...for not attending this function.
- Let's hear it.

All right.

You see,
the plain truth of the matter is...

...and I am being brutally frank...

...and frankly brutal.

But the fact is, that I become
extremely uncomfortable...

...around women
who are in a family way.

Pregnant.

And the thought of spending an entire
evening, never mind the $8.17...

...where the principal topic
of conversation will be....

The whole prospect
is too hideous even to contemplate.

You're jealous that women
can do something you can't.

Oh, yeah. I really feel cheated
out of morning sickness...

...followed by unfathomable pain...

...which leads to years of being
chewed, spit, leaked and pooped on.

No. No. Agnes.

Some people are meant
to have children.

Your mother, for example.

But me...

...I'd be a flop as a pop.

How can you say that
unless you've tried.

Fatherhood isn't something
you experiment with.

The responsibility
is simply too awesome.

I mean, suppose I did have a kid.
What if I didn't like it...

...or it didn't like me?

What if we didn't bond?

Oh, Herbert. you're such a worrywart.

You're right, you're right, I am
and do I--

We want to pass along
a genetic weakness like that?

No.

No, the only honourable thing to do
is just chlorinate the gene pool.

Yeah, well...

...it wouldn't be just your gene pool.

Who's to say your oddball genes
would be the ones to carry the day.

I mean...

...a baby doesn't have to be
the worst parts of two people.

I've always kind of believed
that it's usually the best.

And what baby
wouldn't want to have your wit.

My wit.

- Do you think I'm witty?
- The wittiest and your good looks.

I've never thought of that.

I could really get into your genes...

...Herbert Quentin Viola.

And I yours.

What time? Where?

Seven p.m.

Chez Jay, with bells on.

Jerk.

Thank you.

Oh, broccoli.

Lunchtime.

Oh, I trust you had a pleasant sleep.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did.

I was dreaming
of me mother and father.

Don't look now, pal but I think
I'm going to like this life stuff.

Splendid, that will make this next bit
of business easier.

What are you talking about?

Unfortunately, your parents
are not the only people in the world.

There's a planet of people
you'll be sharing your lifetime with...

...not all will be as loving
as your mother and father.

I don't get it.

Bear with me, Baby Hayes.

Even though I work
in the service of the Creator...

...there are some things, some choices
that even I don't understand.

What do you mean? Like what?

Look into your heart, Baby Hayes.

No, no, no.

Close your eyes.

Close your eyes
and look into your heart.

What do you see?

I don't know.

Some light places
and some dark places.

Indeed.

Good and evil, that's what you see.
That's what you're looking at.

The Creator has chosen, for reasons
I won't pretend to understand...

...to endow each man with a heart...

...capable of divine goodness
and extraordinary evil.

It's a choice, a choice each person
makes on his own...

...but whatever choice a person makes
has an impact on the rest of the world.

Open your eyes.

From the moment life began
until this moment now...

...men have embraced evil
with a ferociousness unexpected...

...by even the Creator.

The capacity to destroy,
hurt, maim...

...and even kill,
flies in the face of everything...

...one might reasonably expect
of human behaviour.

Greed, lust, jealousy,
hatred, stupidity, anger.

These are the fuels
of a wayward heart...

...and they are in abundant supply
in the world you're about to enter.

But remember, not only
are Maddie and David your parents...

...but all men and women
are your brothers and sisters...

...and the world
is all your collective home.

And now you may
really open your eyes.

Do you understand
what I just said to you, shown you?

That's all right.

We'll go to a commercial now.

- Don't these people know?
- Surprise.

Congratulations.

Oh, you're awesome.

What's that?

That? That's the sound of happiness.

The last and often
the most elusive component...

...of this business we call life.

Oh, I don't think I'm too crazy
about this life thing any more.

Happiness isn't something you see...

...it's something you feel.

Your first kiss, your first Christmas,
learning to swim, catching a ball...

...being able to read
the Sunday funnies all by yourself.

The first time you hear "I love you."

The first time you feel moved
to say it yourself.

Well, it's a whole list
of things too long to mention.

And a feeling that is...

...impossible to sum up.

But it is something
that you almost always feel...

...if you are just willing
to do the little bit of work required.

What might that be?

Feel.

It's what you're doing right now.
You're scared and anxious.

Well, that's good, that's human.

It's testimony to the fact
that you're ready.

Testimony to the fact that everything
is turning out as it should.

Feel.

It's the ultimate gift
and the ultimate responsibility...

...and the key
to the ultimate reward, happiness.

It's getting kind of hot in here.

Doesn't feel quite as comfortable
in here as it used to, does it?

No.

It's kind of cramped.

It's getting dark too.

The dance is that way, young man
and it's your turn to cut a rug.

I've never been wrong
about a new soul yet.

It's going to be a wonderful life.

I'm afraid I've got a beam of light
to catch.

Goodbye, Baby Hayes.

Will I ever see you again?

Not for a while.
You've got a life to live first.

What about afterwards?
What happens then?

That, my friend, is a secret.

Yes?

Oh, my.

What? What?

Call the doctor. Call an ambulance.

Stay back. Everybody stay back.
Are you all right, honey?

I'll come see you
when I'm through here.

What's going on?

Where did the happiness music go?

What's that sound?

A change is beginning, that's all.

Change, what change?

David and Maddie are no longer
destined to be your parents.

What?

- David and Maddie are no longer--
- Why?

I don't know why.

These are decisions
made by the Creator.

There's no need to be alarmed.

Nothing drastic, happens all the time,
everything is proceeding at pace.

You're still going to be born,
only to a different mother and father.

You want an answer
and I can't give you one.

There are reasons.

Perhaps these people
weren't quite ready to be parents...

...perhaps the world wasn't quite ready
for this particular family...

...perhaps there's a greater wisdom
at work here than mine.

We simply have to trust it
and count our blessings.

What blessings?

Oh, the gift of life, for one.

You're still going to be born,
all souls are born.

Never lost one during a last-minute
shuffle yet.

But I love them.

And they would have loved you.

But your new parents--

You know who they are?

There are two potential families being
considered and, yes, I know them both.

- Wonderful people, terribly popular.
- Who are they?

Depending on what happens
in the next few weeks...

...you're destined to be either
Kirk Cameron's little brother...

...or Bill Cosby's grandchild.

Really?

Keep the Cosby thing under your hat.
They're self-conscious...

...about the whole pregnancy business.

What about Maddie and David?
Are they--

Fine. They are going to be just fine.

Time has a way of healing
these kinds of wounds.

Sometimes a love goes stronger.

There really is a reason
for these things, you know.

I'm not sure I believe you now.

Well, I haven't lied to you so far,
have I?

What choice have you got?

You can sit around all day
feeling colicky...

...or you can grab your coat
and get your hat.

What?

Grab your coat
And get your hat

Leave your worries on the doorstep

Come on, we've got to move you
to a new womb.

Just direct your feet

To the sunny side of the street

Can't you hear that pitter-pat?

That happy tune is your step

Life can be so sweet

On the sunny side of the street

Check this out.

All right.

Come on. kid, you can do it.

Right behind you, pop.

I used to walk in the shade

With those blues on parade

Not bad, Jerry.

But I'm not afraid

- Scared?
- Nope.

This rover crossed over

- If I never have a cent
- If I never have a cent

- I'd be rich as Rockefeller
- I'd be rich as Rockefeller

- Gold dust at my feet
- Gold dust at my feet

- On the sunny
- On the sunny

- On the sunny
- On the sunny

- On the sunny
- On the sunny

- Sunny side of the street
- Sunny side of the street

- Bill Cosby, huh?
- If you play your cards right.

I can't help thinking that this happened
because of something...

...I did or didn't do.

Maybe I should have taken better care
of myself.

Don't beat yourself up like this.

You took good care of yourself.
You did great.

You did great.

This is a really terrible thing.

I'm just so glad you're okay.

I was so scared when I--

Just glad you're okay.

Why couldn't it have worked out?

I don't know.

It just wasn't meant to be.

It's probably better this way.

I mean, can you imagine me
trying to be a mother?

Me trying to be a father.

You would have made
a great father...

...eventually. Lousy husband though.
But a great dad.

I don't think I'll ever be the same.

- I don't think we'll ever be the same.
- We'll be all right.

And you're gonna be all right.

It's going to be hard to leave.

- Alone.
- You're not gonna be alone.

I'm gonna be right here with you.
I'm not going anywhere.

Okay?

Well, how's the patient?

I'd like to change place
with just about anyone right now.

I'm sorry.

I know how tough
this has been on both of you...

...but the good news is the two of you
can start trying again real soon.

Life could be so sweet

Jerome.

On the sunny

Jerome.

Sunny side of the street

Don't you know any other songs?