Moonlighting (1985–1989): Season 5, Episode 2 - Between a Yuk and a Hard Place - full transcript

After the loss of the baby, Maddie and David have been avoiding each other. David, in particular, spends his days away from the office. Herbert sees it as a chance to better himself. Agnes arranges for David and Maddie to be stuck together alone in a lift and they come out happy. The agency gets a case where a woman wants them to find out about a mystery woman in her husband's past. They find out that she died in a car accident 10 years ago. Then the current wife dies in the same manner. This leads to a pursuit in a hot air balloon.

-It's my sister's fiancé. I'm afraid he's--
-A woman.

Following me every night
on my way home from work in a car.

About the size of a pocket watch
placed carefully between--

My heart and soul.

-It's a megillah.
-So...

-...I need to know--
-Will you?

-Won't you?
-Would you?

-Can you?
-All right. I'll take the case.

I'll take the case.
I'll take the case.

I'll take the case.
I'll take the case.

You've reached Blue Moon.
She'll be with you soon.



The cheque's in the mail.

Your husband's in jail?

One moment, please,
excuse the reprise.

You don't have to type this right away.
Just whenever it slows down.

-Any messages?
-Here.

Mr. Addison in yet?

Would you pencil me in a client
at 4:45?

-You already have one.
-Four forty-seven then.

Yes, Miss Hayes.

Agnes, about Mr. Addison,
when he comes in...

...you don't have to tell him
I was looking for him.

-Okay.
- I just wanted to find out...

...if he'd served those papers yet.
There's no need to mention it.

Okay, Miss Hayes.



-Okay.
-Okay.

Guess that's all.

Agnes, feed these into the PC
when you get a breather, will you?

I haven't been this harsh
since you were in charge.

What's going on with Miss Hayes,
anyway?

Perhaps she figured out
someone's gotta crack the whip here.

I'm afraid that's not the only thing
that's cracked.

I'm worried about her.

Everything that she and Mr. Addison
have been through lately.

Right.

I mean...

Yeah.

Well...

...I know what you're thinking,
but she has bounced back quite nicely.

Bounced back?

You ever have a Super Ball
when you were a kid?

You bounce it a little
and it bounces a lot.

Too much, way too much.

-What are you getting at?
-I don't think she's dealing with stuff.

-And where's Mr. Addison?
-He's serving those papers.

-The Anselmo case.
-Oh, come on. For two weeks?

Well, maybe he's just not comfortable
with the new, improved Blue Moon.

Free spirits and free enterprise
don't always mix.

I don't think that's it, Burt.

Sometimes a tragedy will bring
two people closer together...

...and sometimes...

When was the last time
you saw them together?

Agnes...

...time heals all wounds.

I certainly wouldn't worry
about Mr. Addison. He's a man of steel.

And Miss Hayes,
Miss Hayes is a miraculous woman.

A real survivor.

But do you know
what her saving grace is?

Her industry.

And believe me, around here,
a little industry is not a bad thing.

In fact, it's a good thing.
It's good for her, good for us.

The eclipse of idleness has passed
and Blue Moon's rising once again.

Moonrise, huh?

Yeah and I bet you're gonna be
the first one in line to pucker up.

Looking a little green around the irises,
aren't we?

You'd have to get a stepladder
to see my irises.

Okay, stop it right now. You'd think
you'd both be too beat to bicker.

-Why don't you make up?
-I would rather drink my--

-I'd pay to watch it.
-You would.

What is it with you two, anyway?

I can't even remember what it is,
why you hate each other.

-Oh, it's very simple.
-Yeah.

-We just do.
-Yeah.

-Right?
-Blind hatred.

See, you agree on something.

Agree? Never.

I love this man.

Me neither.

-Morning, Agnes.
-Good morning, Mr. Addison.

-Morning's almost over.
-Already?

Time sure flies when you're...

...hunting down wanted criminals.
I just dropped by this morning...

...because there were barges being
toted and bales being lifted.

And I never in my life have seen
a man tote a barge.

Is the blond dervish still whirling?

-Miss Hayes? She just asked about you.
-Really?

Well, not you exactly.

-She asked about the case.
-What case?

That criminal you've been
hunting down this morning.

-Yeah, the Anselmo case.
-She needs to know if you served the--

Agnes, man-to-man, has this woman
got a case of the cases or what?

-David.
-Maddie.

You look just like I remembered.

So do you.

-You look busy, I'm gonna--
-Your 2:30 just cancelled.

It did?

Guess I have some time.

Would you like to step in
and sit a minute?

Well, I really should get some work
done on this Anselmo thing.

But, yeah, I got a minute. Sure.

Well, stranger.

Hi, Burt.

Hi. You certainly have been making
yourself scarce around these parts.

Well, I've been in and out.

So...

So...

So how about those Mariners?

Herbert. Herbert, could you help me?
I can't reach the coffee filters.

Agnes, I'm visiting
with Mr. Addison and Miss Hayes.

-Now!
-Excuse me. Nice chatting.

So...

-You been okay?
-A-okay.

-I'm fine.
-Good.

You? You doing all right?

Fine.

-Busy.
-Yeah, I can see that.

Should put a sign on the front office,
"Over 6 billion cases solved."

Well, I was just wondering
how you've been doing.

Haven't seen much of you lately.

Well, I, you know-- I've been here.
When I'm here, you're not.

Or if you are here,
you're behind closed doors.

All of which have doorknobs.

I'm still, you know, running around
trying to track down this Anselmo guy.

-Man must be very elusive.
-Yeah, he's hard to find too.

Oh, it doesn't matter, take your time.

I've got things handled around here.

-Yeah, it looks that way.
-Just trying to run a business.

I just wish you would take
these cases for normal reasons.

Are you saying I'm not normal?
David...

...it's not normal to expect a paycheque
when you've been bagging z's.

Right.

There's a woman here to see you.

A client. She doesn't have
an appointment.

Oh, she doesn't need an appointment.

For that matter,
she doesn't even need a case.

Old Sherlock Hayes here
will invent one for here.

Excuse me.

You have no right to criticise
which clients--

-You take all clients.
-Until you show up...

...on a semi-regular basis.

Well, I'm here now.

And a client's about to walk
through that door...

...and you're about to take that case
for no reason.

Here we are.

Hello, I'm Madelyn Hayes
and this is my--

-This is David Addison.
-Hi.

-I'm Mrs. Dennis Spring, Joan.
-Won't you sit down?

-Yeah.
-Have a seat.

How may we help you?

Six months ago,
I met Dennis in Key West.

He was doing research.

He's a writer and I was working
as a companion to an elderly woman.

Anyway, we met...

...and it was instant chemistry.
We did everything together.

We went to the beach, the Laundromat,
sunsets.

The night before
I was supposed to leave...

...and Dennis and I were walking down
Duval Street...

...and he proposed.

I can't tell you how happy I was.

Finally a guy worth saying yes to.

Well, we stayed on for another 10 days,
kind of a honeymoon...

...and then we flew home, his home.

The next morning,
he was taking a shower...

...I thought I'd unpack his bags.

I wasn't looking through his stuff
or anything like that...

...but I found this little leather box.

And in it was a lock of hair
folded inside a piece of stationery...

...along with a wedding ring.

Engraved inside, it said:

"To Christina...

...forever...

...Dennis."

Well, he'd never said anything
about being married before.

And I couldn't understand
why he'd want to keep that from me.

So I asked one night,
kind of casually...

...if there'd ever been another woman
he'd thought about marrying.

He said, no.

The next day,
the little leather box was gone.

I'm afraid that my husband might
still be in love with this Christina...

...and that he's married me
on the rebound.

I know it sounds like
I'm driving myself crazy...

...but I need to know.

It's no good trying to forget about her.
I can't.

I need to know where I stand.

There was a name and an address
printed on the stationery.

Indio, it's somewhere near
Palm Springs.

I wrote it down.
Maybe you can trace her through it.

I'd rather live alone...

...than live a lie.

Okay, Mrs. Spring. I'll take the case.

Six billion and one.

There's that tumbleweed again.

I hope we're not driving
around in circles.

-All tumbleweeds look the same.
-Yeah.

That's what they say about
blue-eyed blonds.

-Is something bothering you?
-No, is something bothering you?

No.

-You seem quiet.
-So do you.

Well...

...maybe I am a little concerned...

...about you.

You got this gigantic caseload
waiting at the office...

...and we're in the middle of nowhere
on a wild-goose case.

Out with it.

Here? Right now, while I'm driving?

What do you have against this case?

I don't have anything against this case.
But this case is not a case.

A Lesley Gore song maybe
or a Archie comic book...

...but it ain't no case.

You don't think Mrs. Spring has
the right to know?

Sure. If some nitwit babe wants us...

...to find out if Bobby loves Judy
more than her...

...who am I to sneeze at a payday?

You think it's normal that Mr. Spring
keeps this from his wife?

It's not a secret, it's the past.

His past. And the past
is not community property.

She has to get past his past.
She can't just deny it ever happened.

-What's so funny?
-She can't just what it ever happened?

Deny it ever happened.

What?

It's just that I can't help being struck
by a certain irony.

-Irony about what?
-Denying.

-You think I'm denying?
-No, it's just a fluke...

...you've worked harder in two weeks
than three years.

That's coping.
What you've been doing is denying.

-What have I been doing?
-Coming late. Goofing off.

-Avoiding work.
- I always do that. That's not denial.

If that's not denial,
I don't know what is.

Denial is lying to yourself.

I'm not getting older, I'm getting better.

Looks aren't everything,
size doesn't matter--

If anybody would know, you would.
You've elevated denial to an art form.

I deny I'm the one who's denying.

Deny away
but I'm not the one that's denying.

-A denial if I ever heard one.
-Not a denial, a statement of fact.

See, now you're even denying
that the denial was a denial.

I'm denying that I've been denying,
which is a different thing.

Okay. You're not denying
and I'm not denying...

...then we shouldn't have any trouble
talking.

-No trouble at all.
-We can be honest.

-Absolutely honest.
-Speak our minds.

-Tell the truth.
-Not hold back.

-Okay.
-Okay.

You go first.

Hey, you need a lift?

Interesting guy.

I never knew that about catgut.
I'm gonna miss him on the ride home.

-Mr. Swinburne?
-Yeah.

We were looking
for a Christina Swinburne.

-We were--
-Who are you?

We're the Skipsquads.
I'm Hank. This is Cissy.

We're with the High School Reunion
Committee in Tina's class...

...and we were having a hard time
locating her.

Would you have any idea
where we could locate her?

You can't. My sister's dead.

She died 10 years ago.
Drove her car off a cliff.

What a pity. She and Dennis
made a great couple.

Augie, don't do that.
Please, sit down.

Augie, get off her.

So you guys knew Dennis?

I haven't seen him for years
but everybody knew Dennis.

Everybody knew Dennis.

And let me tell you, there was more
than one broken heart...

...when your sister became
Mrs. Dennis Spring.

-Yeah, I can imagine.
-Yeah.

I carried a torch for years.

Well, she was a pretty special person.

I tell you, the day doesn't go by
when I don't think of her.

But I've had 10 years to get used
to the idea of her being gone.

-Well, I'm sorry to bring it up again.
-That's all right.

You go stirring up the past,
you're bound to dig up a tragedy or two.

Yeah. Okay, go away.

Poor Dennis.

I'm sorry we couldn't find out more,
but under the circumstances...

I understand.
It must have been awkward.

No wonder Dennis can't talk about it.

Now you don't have anything
to worry about.

She's dead, that doesn't mean Dennis
is not in love with her anymore.

It makes it hard for them
to meet at the motel.

The important thing is he loves you,
he's committed to you, married you.

I don't know.

I've told myself that a million times.
I just wish I could believe it.

Maybe it's just fear of the unknown.

I've built her up
to be someone so formidable.

The bio in her yearbook didn't say
anything about being formidable.

Her yearbook, you have it?

Can I see her picture?

We could have gone to a date farm,
but no, you had to go to a library.

Are you sure you wanna put yourself
through this? She's dead.

Please, I hired you to get this
information for me, not keep it from me.

This could be me.

We did notice a resemblance.

All this time,
I've just been a substitute.

A replacement for the woman
he really loves.

-I'm not gonna be in tomorrow.
-No problem.

And the next day either. I'll probably--
Well, I'm not gonna in for a while.

I'm taking a course in surveillance
back in Virginia.

Some people that used to work
for the government.

I'll be back in a few weeks.

No problem.

Mr. Addison, here's your ticket.

Thanks again, Agnes.

-This means you're going away.
-In all my born days...

...I've never met a person who puts
two and two together faster than you.

Math was always
my strongest subject.

So this trip, Miss Hayes wouldn't be
going with you?

She wouldn't.

Too bad.
You know how she loves to travel.

Well, somebody's gotta keep
the home fires burning.

Want me to confirm
your return reservations?

Well, I'm not really sure
when that's gonna be.

Well, have a really good time.

Okay.

I'll send you a postcard, all right?

I'll send you one with the dog
with the little antlers on his head.

You don't have that one, do you?
Okay, I'll see you.

Thanks.

Mr. Addison...

...this is probably
not any of my business.

I'm sure that it's not my business...

...and you're gonna get very mad
at me...

...but I couldn't live with myself
if I didn't say something.

Shoot.

Don't you think
that you and Miss Hayes should talk?

We do. All the time.

Page after page after page
of dialogue...

I know that the last couple of weeks
haven't been any clambake for you.

But she wants everybody to think
that she's just fine.

And you want everybody to think
that you're just fine.

-I am just fine.
- I doubt it.

But guys have to pretend
like they're bulletproof...

...even though they're all ripped up
inside.

That's the only thing Miss Hayes sees
so she's gotta be bulletproof too.

And both of you have got more holes
in you than one of Burt's socks.

You be good while I'm gone.

Yeah.

Well, it looks like
we're almost over the hump.

Pretty soon you'll have me out
of your flaxen locks.

Miss Hayes, do you realise I've been
at Blue Moon nearly two years...

...and this is the first time you and I
have worked together, one-on-one?

Has it been that long?

The two happiest years
of this special agent's life.

And I must say, you are much more...

...than the pleasing facade
I mistook you for in the beginning.

You're diligent, driven,
yet happy in your work.

My father always said, "If a job's not
worth doing well, it's not worth doing."

What I wouldn't give to be the man
who sired you.

I can't believe how quickly
you got this report index...

The client report file index.

Well, you certainly pulled it together
in no time.

On the wings of your inspiration,
Miss Hayes.

-Thank you, Mr. Viola.
-Oh, please, call me Herbert.

Miss Hayes.

Is Herbert here?

I'm right here, Agnes.

This had better be important.

We were in the middle of attending
to very pressing business.

While you were getting pumped
over her pumps...

...Mr. Addison's ready to leave.

I know that.
He promised to send me a ham.

Disasters in the wings
and you're in the deli.

-We've gotta do something.
-About what?

Remember the last time one of them
flew because they couldn't cope?

-Sure. I practically carried this place.
-You buried this place.

The four horsemen were pitching
their tent here.

I can't face that again.
They can't face that again.

Unless you want to get your butt
kicked out of prime time...

...and on to cable,
we better do something pronto.

Agnes...

...Mr. Addison is an adult.

And he is entitled to continue
his studies if he so chooses.

It's not as if there isn't someone ready,
willing and able to fill his shoes.

What is this thing
that you have with shoes?

His aren't even out the door
and you're trying them on?

I just see no reason
why Madelyn and I cannot--

Fine.

If you won't help me,
I'll find someone else who will.

MacGilicuddy, wait up.

MacGilicuddy.

-So how came you're not working late?
-I decided to work at home.

Where is this thing?
It's taking forever.

Right now it's on the 21st floor.

Twenty-third.

-You'll like Virginia.
- I was there once.

-Well, at the airport. Layover.
-Nice airport.

Yeah. Modern.

-We're not moving, David.
-Give it a minute, it'll start up again.

We're stuck, David.

No, we're not stuck.
We're just not moving.

Isn't that what stuck means?

-Okay, we're stuck.
-Well, where's the emergency button?

Didn't work.

Hey! Hey, we're stuck in here!

It's okay.

Hit it, Byron.

Morning, how did you sleep?

-Great, great, great. You?
-Lousy.

-But great.
-Terrific.

-Miss DiPesto, will you--?
-Cancel your reservation?

Yes.

Hey, Agnes.

-How did Operation Elevator go?
-It went great.

You mean, we didn't get shafted?

What do you mean?
Happily ever after?

Well, there's a good chance.

Oh, Agnes, you are quite a schemer...

...and I might add...

...quite a romantic.

And you, MacGilicuddy, are quite
a remarkable saboteur. Thanks.

Blue Moon Detective Agency,
good morning to you.

It's a wonderful day,
everything's great, we're happy to say.

The world's full of cheer,
there's reason for glee...

...thanks to quick work
by MacGilicuddy and me.

Oh, my golly.

What's wrong?

How can I give them this news now?

They were smiling this morning,
together...

...in the same room, for the first time.

How can I tell them
Joan Spring is dead?

-Who's Joan Spring?
-She's a client.

-Was a client. Now she's dead.
-Too bad, what happened?

Drove her car off a cliff,
like Michael Spring's wife.

-Michael?
-Joan's husband.

-Christina's too.
-Christina?

First wife. Looked just like the second.
Drove her car off a cliff.

-Both wives drove their cars off cliffs?
-Michael Spring's dead?

-Drove his car off a cliff?
-Isn't anyone watching this episode?

-No. Joan Spring is dead.
-Michael's second wife.

-The client.
-Drove her car off a cliff.

-Like Christina.
-Michael's first wife.

-Drove her car off a cliff too.
-Let me get this straight.

-These two women look alike.
-Right.

-Married the same man.
-Right.

-Both drove their cars off cliffs?
-Right.

-Then who's Harold?
-Christina's birdbrained brother.

-Right. He drive his car off a cliff too?
-Not yet.

Poor Michael Spring.

-Poor Joan and Christina.
-Poor Miss Hayes and Mr. Addison.

-You got a nail clipper.
-No.

-Oh, never mind.
-What's that?

Oh, I just thought I might need this
later on in the show.

We can sit here and wait
until a Democrat's in the White House...

...or get this over with.

How do you tell someone
their wife's dead because of you?

It's not your fault Joan Spring took
a wrong turn on purpose off a mountain.

-Then why do I feel so bad?
-You did what she asked you to.

She wanted answers
but couldn't live with them.

Can you imagine how Dennis Spring
must feel losing two wives in 10 years?

Can you imagine
his auto insurance premiums?

Well, thank you for your sympathies,
Miss Hayes, Mr. Addison...

...but you mustn't feel responsible
for Joan's death.

It's hard not to.

Well, then let me put your mind at ease.
I killed my wife.

This has been a hoot...

...but we got a meatloaf back
in the oven at the trailer park.

No, no. You have nothing to fear
from me. I've already called the police.

-That's who I thought you might be.
-But why?

Because she was blackmailing me.

It's probably why she hired you,
to dig up more dirt.

Why would a wife blackmail
her husband?

Our marriage wasn't exactly
made in heaven.

And then when she found out
about Christina...

...that I had been indicted
for her murder, tried and acquitted...

...Joan was in a position
to dictate the terms of our divorce.

-Her terms.
-But you were acquitted.

-What's the blackmail?
-I'd started over.

I'd left Dennis Jones back in Indio,
came to the big city as Dennis Spring.

New name, new town, new life...

...Joan was gonna drag me
through the mud again.

Anyway, I lost my temper...

...hit her...

...tried to make it look like suicide.

But what's the use?

It's easier just to skip
the whole rigmarole and go to jail.

Because a murder trial
can really take it out of you.

Oh, that'll be the police.

Tumbleweeds.

Man catches 40 winks, next thing
you know, he's in a different climate.

I've been shanghaied.

-You've been sleeping.
-Something.

Can't remember a hell of a lot lately.

Dennis Spring changed his name
from Dennis Jones.

-Is that what he said?
-Yeah.

And Archie Leach
liked Cary Grant better, big deal.

So how could his wife blackmail him
about a secret past...

...when his new identity
as Dennis Spring was a secret?

Maddie, you've had the same
pantyhose on for two days.

That can't be good
for your circulation.

The 02 ain't getting up there
between your earrings.

Well, be that as it may...

...we didn't know that Dennis Spring
used to be Jones but Harold did.

Oh, hi. Come, quickly.
Come on in, quick, I got the birds out.

Mr. Swinburne...

Mr. Swinburne,
we have a confession to make.

I'm not Cissy and she's not Hank.

Maddie Hayes. David Addison.

We're detectives
and we're here about Dennis Jones.

-What about him?
-When we talked about him...

-...we referred to him as Spring.
-You knew who we were talking about.

Well, you were asking questions
about Christina...

...I figured you meant Dennis,
the man she was married to.

Who was tried for her murder
and acquitted.

He was guilty as hell.

He even confessed after the trial.

They wouldn't reopen the case,
some crap about double jeopardy.

-You seen him lately?
-We don't keep in touch.

You knew about his new identity,
his new name.

Did you know he was living in L.A.?

-You weren't in L.A. last night?
-I never get into the city.

I can't blame you, the traffic's a bitch.

But it's good to see that you keep up
on life in the fast lane.

Couldn't help noticing Onan here
spilling his seed on yesterday's Times.

You can get the Times here
in the desert, hell, in China.

-Not the Westside edition.
-You didn't know until we told you.

What did you do? Did you follow us?

All right, tell us everything you know
about this episode.

You're crazy.

Ten years is a long time
to hold a grudge.

You settled the score last night.

-But you can't prove anything.
-Yeah?

The cops might wanna shine
a light in your bird-loving eyes.

David, look.

He doesn't look
like a Jeep kind of guy.

Follow that brother.

We got him, David,
he's running out of road.

With nowhere to go.

-But up.
-But up.

Let's go, Maddie.

Hey.

Look at him go.
Wrap it around my waist, Maddie.

Ready?

David. David. David.

David. Oh, my God, hang on.

Now, who says blonds are dumb?
Of course, I'm gonna hang on.

I'm coming.

Good for you.

Oh, no.

I hope we don't go through that
cactus field.

Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no. Right in the heart.

Hold on, David.

Whoa, hey.

Hey!

Look out below!

Hey, knock it off.

Well, so much
for looking down her blouse.

David. David!

I meant to do that.

Oh, no.

Hey, don't set the rope on--

--fire.

Oh, no.

This is how it happened
to Wile E. Coyote just this morning.

-It's beautiful, isn't it?
-Yeah, if you like the desert.

I'm a beach man myself.

You know...

...really should thank you
for leading me to Dennis.

He was the one I was after.

But when I saw his wife...

...I knew I had an opportunity
for real justice.

He took my Christina...

...so I took his.

-How far do you think you'll get?
-Far enough.

Mexico, if this wind keeps up.

Mexico, huh?

Nothing like a few margaritas
and a few señoritas...

...to take your mind off murder.

Too bad you won't be around
for the fiesta.

Oh, I never miss a party.

Well, the air gets pretty thin up here.

Pretty soon there won't be
hardly any oxygen at all.

Man could suffocate.

If he didn't freeze to death first.

What a revolting development.

Hey, how about a lift?

Hey, wait a minute, stewardess.
I mean, flight attendant...

...how about a blanket
and coffee or something.

I'll go-- I'll go standby.

I knew I was gonna need this.

Here's David.

Oh, no.

Geronimo!

David!

David? David.

David?

David?

David!

-David, please be okay.
-Maddie, is that you?

Yes, are you all right?

Well, I'm a little light-headed
but that will pass unfortunately.

You know the whole time
I was up there...

...I had one thing on my mind.

-Putting him behind bars.
-Two things on my mind.

But most of all, all I could think about
was being with you.

-Down here, on terra firma.
-Oh, David.

-And you know what?
-What?

-The firmer the better.
-That is the stupidest line.

I am a murderer.
I have committed homicide.

I demand to be put in a cell now.

This is a miscarriage of justice.
You can't let me go like this.

-Maybe we should cut our caseload.
-I think she's got it.

If we hadn't taken this, a man would go
to prison for a crime he didn't commit.

-You're free.
-This is a miscarriage of justice.

-As in amscray.
-Look, look, I don't wanna go free.

Here, look, I murdered Christina
for her money and I got away with it.

I couldn't get away from the guilt.

I went to the DA's office years later
but he wouldn't reopen the case.

They thought I was
a distraught husband. But I killed her.

Yeah. Well, we got a meatloaf
in the oven at home.

-But you didn't kill Joan.
-No, of course not.

But don't you see?

When Joan turned up dead,
I saw an opportunity...

...to finally pay for killing Christina.

Now, I tried to pay for my crime twice
and each time I failed.

-Maybe the third time's a charm.
-You know, maybe you're right.

Thank you.

There goes one sick poodle.

David, we're not moving.

A little help.

Maddie, did you push the button?