Moonlighting (1985–1989): Season 4, Episode 13 - Here's Living with You, Kid - full transcript
Herbert has spent three weeks guarding a frost-proof grapefruit but all he can think of is Agnes. He asks her to move in together but initially she says no. Sitting at home, Herbert sees his life with Agnes in a series of old movies.
Tuesday, 0200.
I'm continuing to maintain visual
reconnaissance with the subject.
As yet, no contact
with hostile operatives.
If the Information I'm safeguarding
should fall Into the wrong hands...
...I wouldn't wanna speculate
as to the consequences.
Thursday, 0300 hours.
As In past several nights, status
of the subject remains unchanged.
Thursday, 0300 hours continued.
Agnes Is probably snoring
that cute little snore of hers right now.
Forgive me for describing thoughts
of a personal nature In a field log...
...but Julius Caesar himself...
...often expressed
private concerns In his Journals.
I believe the Helvetian campaign
Included ramblings about baldness.
I wish I was lying In bed
right next to Agnes right now.
Wednesday.
No, Thurs--
Or Is It Friday?
Who knows?
Who cares?
The days all blur together
after a while.
Concentration becomes difficult.
My mental acuity Is being slowly
eroded by the boredom...
...the Isolation.
Day after tedious day...
Oh, Agnes.
Agnes.
Agnes.
Your name has become
my only friend.
My mantra.
The one thing standing
between me and total Insanity.
Still no sign of espionage activity.
Though our Intelligence Indicates that
competing agro-business Interests...
...wlll stop at nothing
to obtain stamen samples...
...from the blo-engineered strain
of citrus paraditus antocticus.
Frost-proof grapefruit.
-Mr. Viola, how Is she?
-How should I know?
I've barely seen her
In the last three weeks.
You've been working the night shift
doing your job...
...but long weeks without you
could make a girl sob.
Don't worry about me though,
my upper lip's stiff...
...but a sweet night with you, dear,
would be some precious gift.
So when the stakeout is over
I'll still be waiting...
...to pick up again
with some serious dating.
In the meantime remember,
you hunk of a man...
...that Agnes DiPesto
Is your biggest fan.
My biggest fan.
What a woman.
So why Isn't she here?
Plenty of room.
I wonder If she'd llke new wallpaper.
Excuse me.
-Where's Agnes?
-In the bathroom.
All right, look, can we Just skip
the nightly routine, please?
You look llke hell.
You should get more sleep.
It's Night of the Living Dead.
Some people are willing to temporarily
sacrifice their good looks...
...In the name
of special assignment.
M left for the day, Mr. Bond.
Thank you, Miss Moneypenny.
Any breaks
In the case of the century?
Nothing that I'm at liberty to discuss
with the laypeople.
For your own safety,
you understand.
This case must be kept
strictly confidential.
Of course.
Kind of one blg, Juicy secret.
Why did you say Juicy?
It's hard to keep
a fruit that big a secret.
Jest If you will, MacGllicuddy,
but some of us aren't content...
...to staple ourselves
to a desk for the rest of our lives.
Some of us need to be out there,
on the edge.
If you know what's good for you,
you'll stay mum about my case...
...or I'll have you drummed out
of this business.
Everyone In this office knows
about your stupid secret assignment.
The only reason you're doing It...
...Is because It takes a squirt
to Investigate a grapefruit.
-Jealous, MacGllicuddy?
-Oh, yeah.
We all wish we could spend
nights babysitting a bush.
-It's a tree.
-And writing a bunch...
...of ridiculous reports
about nothing.
Well, I guess
under the circumstances...
...I'm just gonna to have to Walt
to hand thl: to Mr. Addison In person.
I guess safeguarding
the vitamin C all night...
...has made It kind of difficult
to take care of the vitamin I?
Relationship slipping?
Not In the least.
I guess you haven't been around
much to notice.
Notice what?
Consensus with the guys Is Agnes
Is looking a little restless lately.
I've been thinking, maybe I ought
to drop by her place one night.
-Cheer her up.
-Oh, yeah?
Well, you're In for a little surprise
If you drop by her place...
...because It's gonna be my place.
Agnes and I are moving In together.
You are?
Why hasn't she sald anything
about It?
Who's fool enough to confide
anything of Import to you?
Maybe It's because
she doesn't know.
Maybe It's because
you haven't asked her yet.
-What's to ask?
-She might say no.
Agnes say no?
You ever seen what happens
to Ice cream...
...when you pour hot fudge
all over It?
Bert, hl.
Nice talking to you, Viola.
And good luck on that...
...special assignment
we were talking about.
You and MacGlllcuddy
been fighting again?
No.
I want to talk to you...
...sweet potato.
Oh, Bert.
-I missed you so much.
-Good.
Wanna walk me out?
Agnes...
...I've had some time to think
these past nights.
And I can't help feeling that
you and I were brought together...
...by some powerful,
mysterious force.
A year ago,
I walked In that agency door...
...plucked at random
from a pool of temps.
Could have been anybody,
but It was me.
I never met a woman
like you before.
A lovely, Intelligent,
compassionate woman...
...with untiring patience
and Homeric sexual stamina.
A woman who feels
as deeply about me as I do of her.
And when two people feel that way
about each other...
...steps must be taken.
Commitments made.
Agnes...
...I think we should move In together.
Don't worry.
I have smelling salts
In case you feel the need to swoon.
-Well?
- I don't know what to say.
I mean, this Is a gigantic
consideration...
...and It's all so sudden.
Come on.
Do you really mean to tell me
you didn't see this coming...
...Ilke a heat-seeking missile?
Well, Agnes, we can't keep dating
forever.
We need to lay down
the foundations...
...for a noble and recordable future.
Together.
Herbert, I can't Just
move In with you.
Maybe you've been thinking
this over, but I haven't...
...and It's Just not something
you rush Into.
Well, It Is If you care.
Well, I care but I can't.
Rush In. Not move In.
Do I understand you're saying, no?
-No.
-Then you're saying yes.
-No.
Yes, I'm not saying no.
No, I'm not saying yes.
It's Just that I need to think about It.
It's not a yes.
It's not a no, you know?
It's Just I don't know.
-You know?
- I know.
I know you know.
Thanks, Bert.
Funny, Viola...
...looks llke someone dropped
a load of hot fudge all over you.
Field notes
on the consolidated case.
0400 hours. Again.
The hour of the wolf.
The end of another shift.
When I go home,
what do I have to look forward to?
Those little touches of femininity...
...that turn a cold, lonely apartment
Into a home?
The woman I love,
asleep In my bed.
A sandwich In the fridge with a note,
"Thought you'd be hungry."
No.
This Investigating agent goes to bed
on an empty stomach.
Why would Agnes
not want to live with me?
All right, walt a minute,
let's start with why she would.
I am earnest.
I'm a voracious reader.
Courteous to a fault.
I always signal
when I'm changing lanes.
She would be one lucky gal
to live with a guy like me.
But still, I must consider
the possibility...
...however remote,
that she might reject me.
That she might say no.
There. I've sald It.
And because I've sald It,
she won't say no.
She'll say yes.
She's got to say yes.
The truth Is,
the ball's In her court now.
Whatever she decides,
It's out of my hands.
Out of my hands.
The dle Is cast.
-It's out of my hands. It's out of my--
-HI, honey.
Agnes, what are you doing here?
What do you mean,
what am I doing here?
You asked me to move In, so I did.
You didn't have to do all this.
I know.
But I wanted to...
...because you told me
how hard you've been working lately.
Here, why don't you sit down
on your favourite chair...
...while I get breakfast ready.
Afterwards,
I'll run you a nice hot bath...
...and rub warm almond oll
all over your body.
Oh, Agnes. What did I ever do
to deserve you?
Don't be slily, Bert.
You're earnest. A voracious reader.
Courteous to a fault.
I admire the way you signal
when you change lanes.
But you're not exactly
a matinee Idol...
...or a rugged man's man
brimming with character.
Let's face It, Bert, you're not really
the type of guy that gets the girl.
II don't know what I was thinking.
Walt!
You snapped.
You're losing your mind.
You're wigging out.
No.
No. You're Just tired.
That's all.
Yeah, exhausted.
Your mind's playing tricks on you.
What you need Is sleep.
Yeah, sleep.
Sleep.
But you can't sleep.
That's how tired you are.
You're so tired
you're talking to yourself.
Next thing you know, you'll be living
In a refrigerator carton somewhere.
Walt, Just relax.
Just calm down.
Chill out.
Unwind.
Yeah.
That's what you need to do.
And back...
And now back to our movie,
Prince of the Desert.
Bert?
You and me both, pal.
-
Everyone gel your pencils ready.
Gel your pencils ready at home.
And now our movie, a special
presentation of an all-time classic:
Casablanca.
Another Mountain Dew.
Make It a double.
-Bert, good evening.
-Too early to tell.
-Cara to have a drink with us?
-I never drink with customers.
-Bert, where's the restroom?
-Cross your legs.
Good evening, Bert.
Captain Renault.
I understand we're going to have
a famous guest here tonight...
...Mr. Victor Laszlo.
Yeah, who's he?
Oh, Just a hero.
A hero of global proportions.
A hero who by comparison
makes other heroes seem un-heroic.
A hero who, If I were a woman,
would be welcome to smear Jam all--
I get the picture, Renault.
Yes, well, It seems that Laszlo
Is coming here to meet someone.
Someone who's going to try
and help him escape.
Help him escape. How?
By giving him
two Frequent Flyer coupons...
...valid for major vacation spots
all over the world...
...though some restrictions apply.
And airline employees...
...and members of their families
are not eligible.
You wouldn't happen to know
where they are, would you?
Me? Why should I know?
Because we arrested Ugarte...
...the man we thought
was going to help him.
He didn't have the coupons
on his person.
Which happened In a scene which
the producers were too cheap to flim.
Well, why would Laszlo need
two coupons?
They say
he's travelling with someone.
A lady. A very beautiful lady.
The kind of lady that only someone
like him would travel with.
The kind of lady
that someone like you would never--
I'm sorry, was there a woman
once In your past?
No, I didn't think so.
You see, the reason I'm telling you
all this, Bert...
...Is because I want to be sure...
...you won't help him escape,
allowing him to form...
...a powerful
French resistance movement.
1 stick my neck out for nobody.
Why would I wanna help
Laszlo escape?
Welcome to Bert's Cafe Americaine.
-Monsieur?
-Laszlo. Victor Laszlo.
Thls way monsieur, madame,
s'll vous plait.
Sam?
-Sam, Is that you?
-Miss Agnes.
Sam, how are you?
Please, Agnes,
don't ask me to play that song.
-Don't ask you to what?
-You know what.
- I do?
-You know you do.
-No, I don't, Sam.
-Yes, you do, girl.
-No, I don't.
-Yes, you do.
-I don't.
-You do.
-What song?
-This song:
Sam, I thought I told you
never to play that--
Why, Agnes. Hello.
Hello, Bert.
Bert, I'd llke you to meet
Victor Laszlo.
How do you do?
Victor Is a famous freedom fighter,
Idealist, theoretical physicist...
...-and a brillllant philosopher
In his off hours.
Agnes, please, you know
how I hate the word "famous."”
He risks his life all over the world...
...fighting oppression
and dictatorships...
...80 that people everywhere
can pursue truth, Justice...
...and unparalleled pleasure.
I've always preferred
the parallel kind myself.
Ramone.
The best table for my guests
and no two-drink minimum.
Beaucoup thank yous,
Monsieur Bert...
...but I'm off to find Ugarte
and the Frequent Flyer coupons.
We must be on a plane tomorrow
morning for the sake of the free world.
-I'm going with you to find him.
-No, Agnes, walt here.
It Is much too dangerous
to come with me.
Danger means nothing
when I'm with you.
A real hero.
A hero of global proportions.
The kind of hero
who'd be welcome to...
Let's get a bottle of Jam
and blow this Joint.
Very well.
It's good to see you again, Bert.
Yeah. Swell.
Maybe we'll see each other again.
Yeah. Swell.
Of all the gin Joints
In all the towns In all the world...
...she walks Into yours.
Hey.
-I'm supposed to say that.
-Oh, sorry.
Sorry? It's only the best line
In the script.
I'm sorry.
How many times do you get a chance
to say a line like that?
- I sald I'm sorry.
-Oh, a lot of good sorry will do now.
Walt a minute.
I still have the airport scene.
-What?
-Never mind.
Let's Just say that she and I
still have something to talk about.
Evening, boss.
Sam, It's been a long
and tortuous night.
The kind of night
where uncertainty hangs In the air...
...Ilke cheap perfume.
When the new dawn
Is your only friend...
...and yet, In Its own twisted way,
your enemy as well...
...when lives are thrown tops y-turvy,
the world turned upside down.
But even knowing all that,
I still have to ask you.
What are you doing In this scene?
-You told me to bring the coupons.
-Oh, that's right, I did.
We skipped
a couple of extra scenes.
I need you so I can catch
everybody up on the exposition...
...without talking to myself.
So ask me what It means,
the coupons, me at the airport.
So, what's It mean, boss,
the coupons, you at the airport?
It means that we're approaching
the end of another chapter, Sam.
The final chapter.
Closing the book on a story
that's run Its course.
English, boss.
She's getting on the plane
with Laszlo.
Just like that?
Yesterday's news, tomorrow's blues.
Another notch on history's bedpost.
Can It, Sam, you got It all wrong.
She's leaving all right.
But she doesn't think she's leaving.
She thinks she's staying
but she's not staying.
She's leaving.
She's not leaving
for the reason you think she's leaving.
She's leaving for the reason
I want her to...
...which has nothing to do with the
reason she thinks.
-Are you with me?
-Somebody's gotta be.
I told her I'd meet them here with
the coupons, but she loves me, Sam.
She's not gonna wanna get
on that plane.
She has a chance to make It up
for leaving me that first time...
...and knowing Agnes, she'll grab It.
-Say what?
-The chance, Sam.
She'll grab the chance.
I'm not gonna let her.
There are lots of ways of being
the kind of man that women love.
Not all of them Include
getting the girl.
Agnes.
Victor, could you put the luggage
on board?
Bert and I have to speak.
Of course, dear,
for trust I: the key to any relationship.
-Bert--
-There's a time for talking...
...and a time for listening.
It's time for me to do the talking
for both of us.
What we feel, what we need.
None of that matters anymore.
Someday you'll understand that
the problems of three little people...
...don't amount to a hlll of beans
In this crazy world.
Maybe someday I'll understand
why I always talk llke that.
But for now...
...here's looking at you, kid.
Here's looking at me?
What does that mean,
here's looking at me?
Never mind, I'm telling you...
...we've got to put aside
our own deslires, our own needs.
You've got to do the right thing.
You've got to get on that plane
where you belong.
Of course I'm getting on that plane.
It's leaving any minute.
Besides, Victor's on board.
Where else would I go?
You thought you and I...
Well, that's all right.
I understand, you're trying
to be strong.
I respect that.
If It's any help, Just remember
we'll always have Paris.
We were never In Paris, Bert.
Bert, I think you should rethink
this whole approach.
This role Just Isn't you.
I don't wanna be mean
but the truth Is...
...some guys Just can't pull this off.
Noble goodbyes are only good...
...If you're the kind of man
who's hard to leave.
Don't be upset.
Being the guy who wins the girl's love
Isn't everything.
There's always comic relief.
Well, gotta run.
If you're ever In Monte Carlo...
Agnes, Walt.
You can't leave ma Ilka this.
You've got to glve me another chance.
Who cares about France?
We're not French.
The French are rude.
I was lying when I sald
do the right thing and go with Victor.
You're right, I'm not that noble.
You should do the wrong thing
and stay with me.
Please, Agnes, please.
I was making It all up.
Just one more chance.
I'm begging you.
Anything you want.
I tell you, anything.
I'll pay you. Would you llke that?
I'll glve you money.
I can chang..
Whatever It takes,
Just tell me what you want.
I can dress differently.
-Bert!
- I can shave.
I can be taller!
Bert, get a hold of yourself.
The answer Is no. N-O, no.
And It wlll be best for everyone
If you would Just let go of my ankle...
...and accept It.
You're not enough man for me.
Lost her again.
Too late for me to stop them.
France has a champion
and so does Agnes DiPesto.
My life Is over.
And you know why?
Because you let her say no.
You were on the right track
but you didn't close the sale.
You let her take over.
You gave her the chance
to reject you.
Always, I repeat, always say no
before the woman can.
You will likely suffer a humiliation
from which you will never recover.
Always say no
before the woman can.
-Where's Agnes?
-Dentist.
Listen, I know you're busy trying
to make the world safe for grapefruit.
-Could I ask you something?
-What Is It?
Me and the boys were kind
of wondering what the outcome was.
-The outcome?
-The outcome.
We can't collect on our wagers
until we know what the answer ls.
-The answer to what?
-To the blg question...
...that only comes along
once or twice a year.
WIII Poindexter
Implicate the president?
WIill Leonard take Hagler? Will Agnes
consent to move In with you?
Don't you people have some blocks
you can play with?
I knew It. He'd tell me If she sald yes.
She sald no, didn't she?
Nein, negativo, have a nice life.
You couldn't be more wrong,
MacGlll-cruddy.
Actually, not that It's any
of your business...
...she beat me to the punch.
And I wish she hadn't.
You know, a man gains
a ton of perspective...
...out there on the firing line,
In the dead of night...
...Just you and the dark dagger
of the unknown.
You learn to think pretty clearly
when the only thing standing...
...between yourself and nothingness
Is your nerves and your knuckles.
You might have
that experience someday.
She dropped him right on his head.
What I'm telling you Is,
I tested my mettle...
...and my mettle can do a lot better
than Agnes DiPesto.
I wonder how your mettle wlll do
In a polygraph tut.
Hell, the poor girl got down
on her hands knees and begged me.
I was afraid she'd do herself In.
I told her I'd think It over,
but what I was trying to figure out...
...was how was I gonna
let her down easy?
I mean, after steno skllis,
what does she have to offer?
I ask you. Let's face It.
Shacking up together would he strictly
a mercy proposition. Nothing more.
Agnes DiPesto does nothing more
for me than a Brillo pad.
-Sorry I'm late.
-Well!
Agnes, I need to talk to you.
I never needed to talk
to anybody this much.
-So how'd the dentist go?
-No cavities.
Great. Fantastic.
Your health, Agnes,
It's numero uno.
If you have good teeth,
nothing else matters.
Agnes...
...when two people set sall
on a course together...
...It's Important that that course be
right for both of them...
...wouldn't you agree?
Well, Agnes.
- I have done you a great disservice.
-You have?
-A tremendous Injustice.
- I don't understand.
I hastily placed a massive burden
upon your shoulders yesterday...
...which upon reflection
I feel duty-bound to lift.
Herbert, what are you
blabbering about?
Is this about moving In together?
-I'm afraid so.
-Herbert, I thought about It all night.
I soaked In the bathtub...
...I stared at the ceiling
trying to figure out what to do.
And I kept coming back
to the same answer.
Yes.
-Yes?
-Yes!
It'll take some adjusting
and some compromising...
...but I've never loved anyone
as much as I do you.
-Really?
-Really.
I can't Walt to tall everybody.
Don't!
Agnes, let's get new Jobs.
Yeah, we're launching
a new life together...
...let's Just crack a bottle
of champagne...
...against the whole deal,
and leave Blue Moon behind too.
There's an unemployment office
on the eighth floor.
In two hours we can not only
be living together...
...we can be animal handlers
that are living together.
This Is sleep deprivation, isn't It?
Herbert, why don't you go home...
...and Ila down
with your spacial blanket?
Agnes.
You are a chamber pot In a 42 long.
I couldn't listen to her sing
your praises...
...after what you sald about her.
O'Neill, send Mactflllcuddy':
dental record: to the morgue...
...80 they know
what they're looking at.
"Brillo pad"?
"Brillo pad"?
A pet name, sweetheart.
-Hypocrite.
-Oh, Agnes, be fair.
-Coward.
-That's pretty fair.
So I was on my hands
and knees begging you?
So you told me
you had to think about It?
II don't recall saying that.
This Is a way of puffing yourself up
In front of the boys, wasn't It?
I feel sorry for you
that your life Is so empty...
...that you'd resort to belittling
the woman who loves you.
II don't wanna live with a llar.
And I'm not gonna spend
any more time...
...where I've become a laughingstock.
Agnes, don't go.
Agnes, you can't go.
Why not?
Because If you left,
I'd never be able to live with myself...
...because this was all my fault.
I'm the butt around here, not you.
I was afraid to believe
that a woman like you...
...would want to live with me.
And why should you?
All I do Is I strut around here
pretending to be some hotshot...
...young Junior Investigator,
some renaissance man.
And all I am,
all I really am Is a blowhard...
...waiting for the next crumb
Mr. Addison wlil toss my way.
You shouldn't go, Agnes, I should.
II should crawl back
Into the temp pool...
...and never show my face
around here again.
II don't know what made me believe
that I deserved someone llke you.
Where are you going?
Somewhere where I can stay
out of everybody's way.
How about my place?
Agnes, why are you being
80 nice to me?
I can't stop now, Bert.
I told you I wanted to llve with you.
I wasn't lying. I never Ila.
I Just wish
that you didn't feel you had to.
That was the worse thing
I've ever done In my whole life.
I betrayed everything we have...
...how I feel for you.
That was a pretty crummy thing to do,
Herbert.
But I think I understand
why you did It.
You do?
Well, obviously I'm not the hard case
I appear to be.
The fact Is,
deep down, I'm Insecure...
...especially about you.
You gotta trust me, Bert.
We gotta trust each other.
I want to.
It's Just sometimes
my Imagination...
This morning on the TV...
...I lost you twice.
This Isn't TV, Bert.
This Is Just you and me.
I love you, Agnes DiPesto.
I love you, Herbert Viola.
I'm continuing to maintain visual
reconnaissance with the subject.
As yet, no contact
with hostile operatives.
If the Information I'm safeguarding
should fall Into the wrong hands...
...I wouldn't wanna speculate
as to the consequences.
Thursday, 0300 hours.
As In past several nights, status
of the subject remains unchanged.
Thursday, 0300 hours continued.
Agnes Is probably snoring
that cute little snore of hers right now.
Forgive me for describing thoughts
of a personal nature In a field log...
...but Julius Caesar himself...
...often expressed
private concerns In his Journals.
I believe the Helvetian campaign
Included ramblings about baldness.
I wish I was lying In bed
right next to Agnes right now.
Wednesday.
No, Thurs--
Or Is It Friday?
Who knows?
Who cares?
The days all blur together
after a while.
Concentration becomes difficult.
My mental acuity Is being slowly
eroded by the boredom...
...the Isolation.
Day after tedious day...
Oh, Agnes.
Agnes.
Agnes.
Your name has become
my only friend.
My mantra.
The one thing standing
between me and total Insanity.
Still no sign of espionage activity.
Though our Intelligence Indicates that
competing agro-business Interests...
...wlll stop at nothing
to obtain stamen samples...
...from the blo-engineered strain
of citrus paraditus antocticus.
Frost-proof grapefruit.
-Mr. Viola, how Is she?
-How should I know?
I've barely seen her
In the last three weeks.
You've been working the night shift
doing your job...
...but long weeks without you
could make a girl sob.
Don't worry about me though,
my upper lip's stiff...
...but a sweet night with you, dear,
would be some precious gift.
So when the stakeout is over
I'll still be waiting...
...to pick up again
with some serious dating.
In the meantime remember,
you hunk of a man...
...that Agnes DiPesto
Is your biggest fan.
My biggest fan.
What a woman.
So why Isn't she here?
Plenty of room.
I wonder If she'd llke new wallpaper.
Excuse me.
-Where's Agnes?
-In the bathroom.
All right, look, can we Just skip
the nightly routine, please?
You look llke hell.
You should get more sleep.
It's Night of the Living Dead.
Some people are willing to temporarily
sacrifice their good looks...
...In the name
of special assignment.
M left for the day, Mr. Bond.
Thank you, Miss Moneypenny.
Any breaks
In the case of the century?
Nothing that I'm at liberty to discuss
with the laypeople.
For your own safety,
you understand.
This case must be kept
strictly confidential.
Of course.
Kind of one blg, Juicy secret.
Why did you say Juicy?
It's hard to keep
a fruit that big a secret.
Jest If you will, MacGllicuddy,
but some of us aren't content...
...to staple ourselves
to a desk for the rest of our lives.
Some of us need to be out there,
on the edge.
If you know what's good for you,
you'll stay mum about my case...
...or I'll have you drummed out
of this business.
Everyone In this office knows
about your stupid secret assignment.
The only reason you're doing It...
...Is because It takes a squirt
to Investigate a grapefruit.
-Jealous, MacGllicuddy?
-Oh, yeah.
We all wish we could spend
nights babysitting a bush.
-It's a tree.
-And writing a bunch...
...of ridiculous reports
about nothing.
Well, I guess
under the circumstances...
...I'm just gonna to have to Walt
to hand thl: to Mr. Addison In person.
I guess safeguarding
the vitamin C all night...
...has made It kind of difficult
to take care of the vitamin I?
Relationship slipping?
Not In the least.
I guess you haven't been around
much to notice.
Notice what?
Consensus with the guys Is Agnes
Is looking a little restless lately.
I've been thinking, maybe I ought
to drop by her place one night.
-Cheer her up.
-Oh, yeah?
Well, you're In for a little surprise
If you drop by her place...
...because It's gonna be my place.
Agnes and I are moving In together.
You are?
Why hasn't she sald anything
about It?
Who's fool enough to confide
anything of Import to you?
Maybe It's because
she doesn't know.
Maybe It's because
you haven't asked her yet.
-What's to ask?
-She might say no.
Agnes say no?
You ever seen what happens
to Ice cream...
...when you pour hot fudge
all over It?
Bert, hl.
Nice talking to you, Viola.
And good luck on that...
...special assignment
we were talking about.
You and MacGlllcuddy
been fighting again?
No.
I want to talk to you...
...sweet potato.
Oh, Bert.
-I missed you so much.
-Good.
Wanna walk me out?
Agnes...
...I've had some time to think
these past nights.
And I can't help feeling that
you and I were brought together...
...by some powerful,
mysterious force.
A year ago,
I walked In that agency door...
...plucked at random
from a pool of temps.
Could have been anybody,
but It was me.
I never met a woman
like you before.
A lovely, Intelligent,
compassionate woman...
...with untiring patience
and Homeric sexual stamina.
A woman who feels
as deeply about me as I do of her.
And when two people feel that way
about each other...
...steps must be taken.
Commitments made.
Agnes...
...I think we should move In together.
Don't worry.
I have smelling salts
In case you feel the need to swoon.
-Well?
- I don't know what to say.
I mean, this Is a gigantic
consideration...
...and It's all so sudden.
Come on.
Do you really mean to tell me
you didn't see this coming...
...Ilke a heat-seeking missile?
Well, Agnes, we can't keep dating
forever.
We need to lay down
the foundations...
...for a noble and recordable future.
Together.
Herbert, I can't Just
move In with you.
Maybe you've been thinking
this over, but I haven't...
...and It's Just not something
you rush Into.
Well, It Is If you care.
Well, I care but I can't.
Rush In. Not move In.
Do I understand you're saying, no?
-No.
-Then you're saying yes.
-No.
Yes, I'm not saying no.
No, I'm not saying yes.
It's Just that I need to think about It.
It's not a yes.
It's not a no, you know?
It's Just I don't know.
-You know?
- I know.
I know you know.
Thanks, Bert.
Funny, Viola...
...looks llke someone dropped
a load of hot fudge all over you.
Field notes
on the consolidated case.
0400 hours. Again.
The hour of the wolf.
The end of another shift.
When I go home,
what do I have to look forward to?
Those little touches of femininity...
...that turn a cold, lonely apartment
Into a home?
The woman I love,
asleep In my bed.
A sandwich In the fridge with a note,
"Thought you'd be hungry."
No.
This Investigating agent goes to bed
on an empty stomach.
Why would Agnes
not want to live with me?
All right, walt a minute,
let's start with why she would.
I am earnest.
I'm a voracious reader.
Courteous to a fault.
I always signal
when I'm changing lanes.
She would be one lucky gal
to live with a guy like me.
But still, I must consider
the possibility...
...however remote,
that she might reject me.
That she might say no.
There. I've sald It.
And because I've sald It,
she won't say no.
She'll say yes.
She's got to say yes.
The truth Is,
the ball's In her court now.
Whatever she decides,
It's out of my hands.
Out of my hands.
The dle Is cast.
-It's out of my hands. It's out of my--
-HI, honey.
Agnes, what are you doing here?
What do you mean,
what am I doing here?
You asked me to move In, so I did.
You didn't have to do all this.
I know.
But I wanted to...
...because you told me
how hard you've been working lately.
Here, why don't you sit down
on your favourite chair...
...while I get breakfast ready.
Afterwards,
I'll run you a nice hot bath...
...and rub warm almond oll
all over your body.
Oh, Agnes. What did I ever do
to deserve you?
Don't be slily, Bert.
You're earnest. A voracious reader.
Courteous to a fault.
I admire the way you signal
when you change lanes.
But you're not exactly
a matinee Idol...
...or a rugged man's man
brimming with character.
Let's face It, Bert, you're not really
the type of guy that gets the girl.
II don't know what I was thinking.
Walt!
You snapped.
You're losing your mind.
You're wigging out.
No.
No. You're Just tired.
That's all.
Yeah, exhausted.
Your mind's playing tricks on you.
What you need Is sleep.
Yeah, sleep.
Sleep.
But you can't sleep.
That's how tired you are.
You're so tired
you're talking to yourself.
Next thing you know, you'll be living
In a refrigerator carton somewhere.
Walt, Just relax.
Just calm down.
Chill out.
Unwind.
Yeah.
That's what you need to do.
And back...
And now back to our movie,
Prince of the Desert.
Bert?
You and me both, pal.
-
Everyone gel your pencils ready.
Gel your pencils ready at home.
And now our movie, a special
presentation of an all-time classic:
Casablanca.
Another Mountain Dew.
Make It a double.
-Bert, good evening.
-Too early to tell.
-Cara to have a drink with us?
-I never drink with customers.
-Bert, where's the restroom?
-Cross your legs.
Good evening, Bert.
Captain Renault.
I understand we're going to have
a famous guest here tonight...
...Mr. Victor Laszlo.
Yeah, who's he?
Oh, Just a hero.
A hero of global proportions.
A hero who by comparison
makes other heroes seem un-heroic.
A hero who, If I were a woman,
would be welcome to smear Jam all--
I get the picture, Renault.
Yes, well, It seems that Laszlo
Is coming here to meet someone.
Someone who's going to try
and help him escape.
Help him escape. How?
By giving him
two Frequent Flyer coupons...
...valid for major vacation spots
all over the world...
...though some restrictions apply.
And airline employees...
...and members of their families
are not eligible.
You wouldn't happen to know
where they are, would you?
Me? Why should I know?
Because we arrested Ugarte...
...the man we thought
was going to help him.
He didn't have the coupons
on his person.
Which happened In a scene which
the producers were too cheap to flim.
Well, why would Laszlo need
two coupons?
They say
he's travelling with someone.
A lady. A very beautiful lady.
The kind of lady that only someone
like him would travel with.
The kind of lady
that someone like you would never--
I'm sorry, was there a woman
once In your past?
No, I didn't think so.
You see, the reason I'm telling you
all this, Bert...
...Is because I want to be sure...
...you won't help him escape,
allowing him to form...
...a powerful
French resistance movement.
1 stick my neck out for nobody.
Why would I wanna help
Laszlo escape?
Welcome to Bert's Cafe Americaine.
-Monsieur?
-Laszlo. Victor Laszlo.
Thls way monsieur, madame,
s'll vous plait.
Sam?
-Sam, Is that you?
-Miss Agnes.
Sam, how are you?
Please, Agnes,
don't ask me to play that song.
-Don't ask you to what?
-You know what.
- I do?
-You know you do.
-No, I don't, Sam.
-Yes, you do, girl.
-No, I don't.
-Yes, you do.
-I don't.
-You do.
-What song?
-This song:
Sam, I thought I told you
never to play that--
Why, Agnes. Hello.
Hello, Bert.
Bert, I'd llke you to meet
Victor Laszlo.
How do you do?
Victor Is a famous freedom fighter,
Idealist, theoretical physicist...
...-and a brillllant philosopher
In his off hours.
Agnes, please, you know
how I hate the word "famous."”
He risks his life all over the world...
...fighting oppression
and dictatorships...
...80 that people everywhere
can pursue truth, Justice...
...and unparalleled pleasure.
I've always preferred
the parallel kind myself.
Ramone.
The best table for my guests
and no two-drink minimum.
Beaucoup thank yous,
Monsieur Bert...
...but I'm off to find Ugarte
and the Frequent Flyer coupons.
We must be on a plane tomorrow
morning for the sake of the free world.
-I'm going with you to find him.
-No, Agnes, walt here.
It Is much too dangerous
to come with me.
Danger means nothing
when I'm with you.
A real hero.
A hero of global proportions.
The kind of hero
who'd be welcome to...
Let's get a bottle of Jam
and blow this Joint.
Very well.
It's good to see you again, Bert.
Yeah. Swell.
Maybe we'll see each other again.
Yeah. Swell.
Of all the gin Joints
In all the towns In all the world...
...she walks Into yours.
Hey.
-I'm supposed to say that.
-Oh, sorry.
Sorry? It's only the best line
In the script.
I'm sorry.
How many times do you get a chance
to say a line like that?
- I sald I'm sorry.
-Oh, a lot of good sorry will do now.
Walt a minute.
I still have the airport scene.
-What?
-Never mind.
Let's Just say that she and I
still have something to talk about.
Evening, boss.
Sam, It's been a long
and tortuous night.
The kind of night
where uncertainty hangs In the air...
...Ilke cheap perfume.
When the new dawn
Is your only friend...
...and yet, In Its own twisted way,
your enemy as well...
...when lives are thrown tops y-turvy,
the world turned upside down.
But even knowing all that,
I still have to ask you.
What are you doing In this scene?
-You told me to bring the coupons.
-Oh, that's right, I did.
We skipped
a couple of extra scenes.
I need you so I can catch
everybody up on the exposition...
...without talking to myself.
So ask me what It means,
the coupons, me at the airport.
So, what's It mean, boss,
the coupons, you at the airport?
It means that we're approaching
the end of another chapter, Sam.
The final chapter.
Closing the book on a story
that's run Its course.
English, boss.
She's getting on the plane
with Laszlo.
Just like that?
Yesterday's news, tomorrow's blues.
Another notch on history's bedpost.
Can It, Sam, you got It all wrong.
She's leaving all right.
But she doesn't think she's leaving.
She thinks she's staying
but she's not staying.
She's leaving.
She's not leaving
for the reason you think she's leaving.
She's leaving for the reason
I want her to...
...which has nothing to do with the
reason she thinks.
-Are you with me?
-Somebody's gotta be.
I told her I'd meet them here with
the coupons, but she loves me, Sam.
She's not gonna wanna get
on that plane.
She has a chance to make It up
for leaving me that first time...
...and knowing Agnes, she'll grab It.
-Say what?
-The chance, Sam.
She'll grab the chance.
I'm not gonna let her.
There are lots of ways of being
the kind of man that women love.
Not all of them Include
getting the girl.
Agnes.
Victor, could you put the luggage
on board?
Bert and I have to speak.
Of course, dear,
for trust I: the key to any relationship.
-Bert--
-There's a time for talking...
...and a time for listening.
It's time for me to do the talking
for both of us.
What we feel, what we need.
None of that matters anymore.
Someday you'll understand that
the problems of three little people...
...don't amount to a hlll of beans
In this crazy world.
Maybe someday I'll understand
why I always talk llke that.
But for now...
...here's looking at you, kid.
Here's looking at me?
What does that mean,
here's looking at me?
Never mind, I'm telling you...
...we've got to put aside
our own deslires, our own needs.
You've got to do the right thing.
You've got to get on that plane
where you belong.
Of course I'm getting on that plane.
It's leaving any minute.
Besides, Victor's on board.
Where else would I go?
You thought you and I...
Well, that's all right.
I understand, you're trying
to be strong.
I respect that.
If It's any help, Just remember
we'll always have Paris.
We were never In Paris, Bert.
Bert, I think you should rethink
this whole approach.
This role Just Isn't you.
I don't wanna be mean
but the truth Is...
...some guys Just can't pull this off.
Noble goodbyes are only good...
...If you're the kind of man
who's hard to leave.
Don't be upset.
Being the guy who wins the girl's love
Isn't everything.
There's always comic relief.
Well, gotta run.
If you're ever In Monte Carlo...
Agnes, Walt.
You can't leave ma Ilka this.
You've got to glve me another chance.
Who cares about France?
We're not French.
The French are rude.
I was lying when I sald
do the right thing and go with Victor.
You're right, I'm not that noble.
You should do the wrong thing
and stay with me.
Please, Agnes, please.
I was making It all up.
Just one more chance.
I'm begging you.
Anything you want.
I tell you, anything.
I'll pay you. Would you llke that?
I'll glve you money.
I can chang..
Whatever It takes,
Just tell me what you want.
I can dress differently.
-Bert!
- I can shave.
I can be taller!
Bert, get a hold of yourself.
The answer Is no. N-O, no.
And It wlll be best for everyone
If you would Just let go of my ankle...
...and accept It.
You're not enough man for me.
Lost her again.
Too late for me to stop them.
France has a champion
and so does Agnes DiPesto.
My life Is over.
And you know why?
Because you let her say no.
You were on the right track
but you didn't close the sale.
You let her take over.
You gave her the chance
to reject you.
Always, I repeat, always say no
before the woman can.
You will likely suffer a humiliation
from which you will never recover.
Always say no
before the woman can.
-Where's Agnes?
-Dentist.
Listen, I know you're busy trying
to make the world safe for grapefruit.
-Could I ask you something?
-What Is It?
Me and the boys were kind
of wondering what the outcome was.
-The outcome?
-The outcome.
We can't collect on our wagers
until we know what the answer ls.
-The answer to what?
-To the blg question...
...that only comes along
once or twice a year.
WIII Poindexter
Implicate the president?
WIill Leonard take Hagler? Will Agnes
consent to move In with you?
Don't you people have some blocks
you can play with?
I knew It. He'd tell me If she sald yes.
She sald no, didn't she?
Nein, negativo, have a nice life.
You couldn't be more wrong,
MacGlll-cruddy.
Actually, not that It's any
of your business...
...she beat me to the punch.
And I wish she hadn't.
You know, a man gains
a ton of perspective...
...out there on the firing line,
In the dead of night...
...Just you and the dark dagger
of the unknown.
You learn to think pretty clearly
when the only thing standing...
...between yourself and nothingness
Is your nerves and your knuckles.
You might have
that experience someday.
She dropped him right on his head.
What I'm telling you Is,
I tested my mettle...
...and my mettle can do a lot better
than Agnes DiPesto.
I wonder how your mettle wlll do
In a polygraph tut.
Hell, the poor girl got down
on her hands knees and begged me.
I was afraid she'd do herself In.
I told her I'd think It over,
but what I was trying to figure out...
...was how was I gonna
let her down easy?
I mean, after steno skllis,
what does she have to offer?
I ask you. Let's face It.
Shacking up together would he strictly
a mercy proposition. Nothing more.
Agnes DiPesto does nothing more
for me than a Brillo pad.
-Sorry I'm late.
-Well!
Agnes, I need to talk to you.
I never needed to talk
to anybody this much.
-So how'd the dentist go?
-No cavities.
Great. Fantastic.
Your health, Agnes,
It's numero uno.
If you have good teeth,
nothing else matters.
Agnes...
...when two people set sall
on a course together...
...It's Important that that course be
right for both of them...
...wouldn't you agree?
Well, Agnes.
- I have done you a great disservice.
-You have?
-A tremendous Injustice.
- I don't understand.
I hastily placed a massive burden
upon your shoulders yesterday...
...which upon reflection
I feel duty-bound to lift.
Herbert, what are you
blabbering about?
Is this about moving In together?
-I'm afraid so.
-Herbert, I thought about It all night.
I soaked In the bathtub...
...I stared at the ceiling
trying to figure out what to do.
And I kept coming back
to the same answer.
Yes.
-Yes?
-Yes!
It'll take some adjusting
and some compromising...
...but I've never loved anyone
as much as I do you.
-Really?
-Really.
I can't Walt to tall everybody.
Don't!
Agnes, let's get new Jobs.
Yeah, we're launching
a new life together...
...let's Just crack a bottle
of champagne...
...against the whole deal,
and leave Blue Moon behind too.
There's an unemployment office
on the eighth floor.
In two hours we can not only
be living together...
...we can be animal handlers
that are living together.
This Is sleep deprivation, isn't It?
Herbert, why don't you go home...
...and Ila down
with your spacial blanket?
Agnes.
You are a chamber pot In a 42 long.
I couldn't listen to her sing
your praises...
...after what you sald about her.
O'Neill, send Mactflllcuddy':
dental record: to the morgue...
...80 they know
what they're looking at.
"Brillo pad"?
"Brillo pad"?
A pet name, sweetheart.
-Hypocrite.
-Oh, Agnes, be fair.
-Coward.
-That's pretty fair.
So I was on my hands
and knees begging you?
So you told me
you had to think about It?
II don't recall saying that.
This Is a way of puffing yourself up
In front of the boys, wasn't It?
I feel sorry for you
that your life Is so empty...
...that you'd resort to belittling
the woman who loves you.
II don't wanna live with a llar.
And I'm not gonna spend
any more time...
...where I've become a laughingstock.
Agnes, don't go.
Agnes, you can't go.
Why not?
Because If you left,
I'd never be able to live with myself...
...because this was all my fault.
I'm the butt around here, not you.
I was afraid to believe
that a woman like you...
...would want to live with me.
And why should you?
All I do Is I strut around here
pretending to be some hotshot...
...young Junior Investigator,
some renaissance man.
And all I am,
all I really am Is a blowhard...
...waiting for the next crumb
Mr. Addison wlil toss my way.
You shouldn't go, Agnes, I should.
II should crawl back
Into the temp pool...
...and never show my face
around here again.
II don't know what made me believe
that I deserved someone llke you.
Where are you going?
Somewhere where I can stay
out of everybody's way.
How about my place?
Agnes, why are you being
80 nice to me?
I can't stop now, Bert.
I told you I wanted to llve with you.
I wasn't lying. I never Ila.
I Just wish
that you didn't feel you had to.
That was the worse thing
I've ever done In my whole life.
I betrayed everything we have...
...how I feel for you.
That was a pretty crummy thing to do,
Herbert.
But I think I understand
why you did It.
You do?
Well, obviously I'm not the hard case
I appear to be.
The fact Is,
deep down, I'm Insecure...
...especially about you.
You gotta trust me, Bert.
We gotta trust each other.
I want to.
It's Just sometimes
my Imagination...
This morning on the TV...
...I lost you twice.
This Isn't TV, Bert.
This Is Just you and me.
I love you, Agnes DiPesto.
I love you, Herbert Viola.