Moonlighting (1985–1989): Season 4, Episode 12 - Maddie Hayes Got Married - full transcript

♪ So Come Walk The Night ♪

♪ Come Fly By Day ♪

♪ Something Is Sweeter ♪

♪ 'cause We Met
On The Way ♪

♪ Moonlighting Strangers ♪

♪ Who Just Met
On The Way ♪

♪ Who Just Met On The Way ♪♪

Captioning Made Possible By
Lions Gate Home Entertainment

You Quit Smoking?

No, Mr. Addison.

I Commit A Crime?



Is The Health
Inspector Coming?

no. He's Coming.

He? Who's He?

you Know Who He.
Him.

Him?

him?

Right Here In The
Middle Of Our Show?

Not Capital H Him.

Miss Hayes' Him--
Walter Bishop.

I Think.

You Think?

Sometimes.

Miss Hayes Had Me Make
Lunch Reservations.

I Knew They'd Start
Having Reservations.



12:00. Saint Germaine.
Table For Two.

I Mean, I'm Not
Certain It's Him,

But Who Else
Could It Be?

Yeah. Who Else
Could It Be?

Hey, Lucy,
Here's An Idea.

Over Here.

Never Mind.
Bad Idea.

Wouldn't Be
A Fair Fight.

What Are You Saying?

Never Mind.

I Can't Fling Barbs
At Such A Wide Target.

David, You're
Not Making Sense.

On The Other Hand,
I Would Be Fighting

Out Of My Weight Class.

If You Have
Something To Say...

No. I Just
Came In To See If

I Could Interest You
In A Little Lunch?

Lunch?
Yeah, Lunch.

Grab A Couple
Of Hoagies,

Sit On The Curb,
Whistle At The Babes.

Oh, I'm Sorry. I Can't.
I Have Plans.

Plans?
Plans.

So Change Them.

I Can't Change Them.

Can't Change 'em?

Must Be Big Plans.
Big Plans.

And They Are?

Big.
And You're Doing...

Lunch.
With...

Someone.

Someone. And It's Big.
Anyone I Know?

No.

Animal, Vegetable,
Or Husband?

Pick Any Two.

I Don't' Want
To Do This, David.

Louder. You're
Shouting For Two Now.

David, We Can't
Have Lunch Today.

Let's Have
Lunch Tomorrow.

Vegetable. Husband.
Interesting Combination.

So When's He Coming By?
When Do We Get To Meet Him?

You Don't Get
To Meet Him.

You're Gonna Lock Us In
Our Rooms Till He Leaves?

He's Not Coming By Here.

I'm Meeting Him
At The Restaurant.

But Everyone Wants
To Meet Him.

But Everyone Isn't
Going To Meet Him.

Don't You Want
Everyone To Meet Him?

Of Course!
Why Shouldn't I

Want Everyone
To Meet Him?

Pick Up The Phone And
Tell Him To Buzz By.

Put The Phone Down.

Call Him.
I Won't.

Call Him!
I Can't.

Call Him.
He's Not Home!

Not Home?
He's Across Town.

That's Why I Was Going To
Meet Him At The Restaurant.

Not At Home?
Not At Home.

Not At Home. You Mean,
If I Pick Up This Phone

And Dial Your Home Number,

That He Just Wouldn't
Happen To--

Walter?

Guess He Had
A Change Of Plans.

Yeah, Walter.

This Is David Addison
From Blue Moon Investigations.

Listen, Maddie Wanted Me
To Give You A Call

And See If You Could
Stop By And Pick Her Up

On The Way To Lunch.

She's Really Anxious
For You To Meet

The Rest Of Her
Blue Moon Family.

Great. Listen, Um...

I'm Really Looking
Forward To Meeting You.

Okey-Doke. Yeah.

I'd Better Change
My Underwear.

We're Having Company.

I Hate You.

Stop. I'm Blushing.

Boss. Let's
Get Out Of Here.

Get Out Of Where?

Here! The Headquarters
Of The Walter Bishop

Welcoming Committee.

You Have No Idea What I've Had
To Sit Through This Morning.

Dusting! Polishing!

Incessant Chatter About
"Walter Bishop This.

Walter Bishop That."

As If He Was Somebody
Really Important,

And Not A Human Goiter
On The Neck Of Life!

I Tell You, Sir,
I Cannot Do It.

I Cannot Stand There And
Say, "Hello, Mr. Bishop,"

"Nice To Meet You,
Mr. Bishop,"

When I'm Really
Thinking Is,

"You Are Nothing But
A Railway Wreck, Pal."

So, What Do You Say
The Two Of Us Just

Get Out Of Here And Go
Have A Long Liquid Lunch,

Stare At The Secretaries
Twitching In The Noonday Sun,

And Forget All About
Mr. Walter Bishop.

I Appreciate Your
Sentiment, Bert,

But I'm Afraid I'm Gonna
Have To Stick Around

Here And Shake
The Man's Hand.

Why?

Because Maddie
Married Him,

And I Think We
Should Make Him

As Comfortable
As Possible.

With All Due Respect,
Sir, Speak For Yourself.

I, For One, Do Not Want
To Shake His Hand.

I Don't Want To Meet Him
Or Talk To Him

Or Know Anything
About Him.

There's Not Much
To Know About Him.

What Do You Mean?

I'm Pretty Sure
I Can Tell You

Everything
There Is To Know

About Bachelor
Number Two.

But You've
Never Met Him.

Don't Have To.

I've Already Met
His Dream Date.

Believe Me,
He Was Just The Best

Packaged Box
Of Corn Flakes

She Could Come Up
With On Short Notice.

Corn Flakes, Sir?

You Betcha.

You Know The Kind Of Guy
Miss Hayes Goes For.

She's A Bone
Structure Freak.

Look At Sam--Broad Shoulders,
Trim Waist, Slip Hips.

Think Clint Eastwood.

Think Of That Guy
Who Does Those, Uh...

Cooler Commercials?

Yeah, Him. Believe Me.

He's Gonna Be A Big Hunk
Or A Slab Or Something.

It's All
In The Packaging.

Not That I Care
Or Anything.

So I Probably
Shouldn't Try

And Take Him Out
To The Parking Lot.

That Probably Wouldn't
Be A Good Idea.

Sir, I'm Going Through
With This For You.

For Your Sake.

But If You Change
Your Mind,

You Just
Give Me The Signal,

And We'll Rearrange
His Packaging.

You Got It.

Sorry.

Hello.

Good Morning.
And You Are...

I'm Walter Bishop.

You're Walter Bishop?
Oh, My God! You're...

Walter Bishop?

Yes.

the Walter Bishop?

I'm Sure There
Must Be Others,

But I Consider Myself
Unique In My Way.

You Have No Idea
What A Pleasure It Is

To Meet The Actual,

One And Only
Walter Bishop!

Well, Thank You.
Thank You Very Much.

You Must Be David.

[Giggle]

You Flatter Me, Sir.

No, I'm Not Mr. Addison.

But I Know Where
I Can Find Him.

No, It's Not Urgent.

I Really Don't Want
To Disturb Him.

Believe Me,
He Won't Mind.

You Just Wait
Right There.

Hi.

Hello.

Hi. David Addison?

Yeah. Walter Bishop?

Nice To Meet You.

The Pleasure's All Mine.

Thank You For
Inviting Me Up Here.

It Was Very Gracious
Of You.

We Try And Be As
Gracious As We Can.

I Know That This
Is Very Awkward.

It's--

What's That?

This.
It's Just Very...

Very Awkward,
And I'm Sorry.

I Know That You're Very
Important To Maddie.

And Needless To Say,

Maddie Is Very
Important To Me.

It May Take
Some Time,

But I Hope We Could
Forge A Relationship.

Forge What?

A...Relationship
Between You And Me.

A Relationship
Between You And Me?

Yeah. I Know That

You And Maddie
Had This...Thing.

What Thing?

The...The Thing.

I'm Surprised You're
So Surprised.

You're Very
Important To Her.

You Must Know That.

I Assume That

She's Very
Important To You.

Oh, Boy.

Oh...

Did She Tell You
That, Walter?

Tell Me What?

That I Was
Important To Her?

That She Was
Important To Me?

She Is, Isn't She?

I'm Sorry, I...

have You Ever Seen
Play Misty For Me?

play Misty For Me?

The Movie.

Oh, Gosh...
Sit Down, Please.

I Hope You're
Not Laboring

Under Any Delusions,
Bish, But...

Not That Maddie's Not
A Very Pleasant Girl,

But, Me And Her...

She's Got A Pretty
Fertile Imagination.

No Kidding.

And Not That I'm
Not Flattered.

It's Very Flattering,
But I Think

She's Got A Hell
Of An Imagination.

Well, I Completely
Understand.

I Just Have
To Apologize.

No, No.

This Must Sound
Absolutely Crazy.

No. Don't Be Silly.

I Mean, Believe Me,
I Can Understand

How You Might Have Been
A Little Worried Coming Here,

But Let Me Tell You, Bish,

You Got Nothing
To Worry About.

Well, Thank You.
Thank You Very Much.

Is That A Present
For Maddie?

Yeah. I Figured
It Would Be Good

For Her Back And For
While She's Nursing

And Knitting.

Knitting?

Mm-Hmm. She's Really
Taking To It.

I'm Teaching Her.

Well, I Could See How
It Would Be Less Harmful

Than Something
Like Football.

Do You Crochet?

Never Have.
Don't Crochet.

You Know, I Was Thinking
Of Taking Lessons.

Maybe That's Something
We Could Do Together.

Maybe Forge
A Relationship That Way.

Whenever You Say.

I Think It Would Be
Very Relaxing.

Great.
Great.

Listen, I Don't Want
To Keep You Kids From Lunch.

Walter, Damn Glad
To Meet You.

Very Nice
To Meet You.

You Got A Heck
Of A Nice Girl There.

I Know I Do.
Thank You Very Much.

Good For You.

Want Some Help
With This Chair?

No. I Can Manage It.

You Sure? I Can
Give You A Hand.

Watch Your Back.

And, Walter...

Congratulations.

Ah, Thanks.

[Knock On Door]

Come In!

Hi.

Hi.

What You Got?

Something No Pregnant
Woman Should Be Without.

You're So Sweet.

Where Would You
Like It?

How About Over There?

Ok, Take It For
A Test Drive.

Sure.

Hi.
Hiya.

This Is Great,
Walter.

Good. Good.

I Met David Addison
Just Now.

You Did? Where?

Where? Right Out There.

Oh, No. He Was Lying
In Wait For You.

I Knew I Shouldn't
Have Stayed Here.

That's Ok. I Wore
My Bulletproof Ego.

What Did He Say?

Did He Take His Anti-Snide
Shot This Morning?

I Think He Only
Got Half A Dose.

He's A Little
Difficult To Pin Down.

It's Like Having
A Conversation With A Fog.

That's David,
All Right.

He Basically Seems
Like A Nice Guy.

So Was Kaiser Wilhelm.

He Can Really
Spin A Yarn.

I Can See
What You Saw In Him.

He's Got A Lot
Of Sparkle.

This Chair's
Wonderful, Walter.

Good.

Well, Shall We
Go To Lunch?

Sure.

Is There A Back Door
Out Of This Place?

[Knock On Door]

Spit And Slide Under.

So?

So?

What Did You Think?

Of?

Him.

Of Him.

He's A Nice Enough Guy.

He Said The Same
Thing About You.

There You Have It.

I Do Hope The Two
Of You Get Along

Because You'll Be
Seeing Each Other

From Time To Time,

Certain Events,
Office Parties--

Wait A Second.

Wait A Second.

Save The Speech.

Look, I Think
I Owe You An Apology

For My Behavior.

When You Told Me
You Were Married,

I Reacted Badly.
I Admit It.

You Don't Have
To Apologize.

I Understand.
You Were Hurt.

Ow, Yeah. Ouch!

Yikes.

What's So Funny?

Nothing's Funny, Really.
Honestly, Nothing Is Funny.

It's Actually
Kind Of Sad--

A Nice Guy Like Wally.

Walter. What's
Kind Of Sad?

Wait!

Oh, Wait, Wait!
I'm Sorry!

I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry.
I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry.

I Really Shouldn't
Be Laughing.

I...

You Were In A Jam.

You Did The Best
You Could.

You Were On A Train
Coming Back To L.A.,

Having Somebody Else's
Baby, No Husband.

You Were Desperate.

I Was Not Desperate!

What Happened,
Conductor Too Old?

With Walter,
This Doesn't Happen.

I Talk,
And He Listens.

Was He In The
Next Compartment?

It's A Whole New Way Of
Communicating And--

So What If He Was
In The Next Compartment.

Look, Maddie,
I Would Have Been Happy

To Help You Out
Of This Little Dilemma.

But Hey, You Have
To Understand,

It's Hard
To Find Wedded Bliss

When You're Working
Under A Deadline.

I Understand That.

Fine! Sneer
All You Want.

But Whether You
Believe It Or Not,

Which, By The Way,

Matters To Me Not
At All,

I Am Passionately
In Love

With This Man.

Oh, I Can Tell.

Bet Your Folks Are
Popping Their Buttons, Huh?

You Did Tell Mom And Dad

They Have A Son-In-Law,
Didn't You?

What I Tell My Parents
Is None Of Your Business.

They're Your Parents.
They'll Understand.

Even If They Lie
To Your Face.

There's Nothing
To Be Ashamed Of.

Wally's Not That Bad.

Walter!
His Name Is Walter!

And I'm Not
Ashamed Of Him.

I Love Him With
All My Heart!

Oh, Yeah? Is That Why I
Had To Invite Him Here Today?

I Am Not Ashamed Of Him.

Is That Why Mom And Pop
Were Left Out Of The Loop?

I Am Not Ashamed Of Him.

Is That Why You
Got Married In Vegas?

Just You, Him, A Minister
And A Receipt Book.

David, You Don't Know What
You're Talking About.

I Know Exactly What
I'm Talking About.

When It Comes To Maddie Hayes
Being Ashamed Or Embarrassed,

I'm An Expert.

Because Let Me
Tell You Something.

Long Before There Was A
Walter Bishop To Be Ashamed Of,

And I'm Embarrassed
To Say This, There Was Me.

You're Wrong!

This Is Nothing
Like You And I.

I'm Happier Than
I've Ever Been

In My Whole Life.

I Wish I'd Had
A Big Fancy Wedding

So Everyone I've
Ever Known

Could See What
Walter Means To Me.

You Need A Big Place.

Sure!
Westminster Abbey!

Filled With Millions
Of Flowers.

Carnations Are Nice
This Time Of Year.

I'll Wear
A Beautiful Dress

With A Train
A Mile Long.

Bridesmaids?
An Army Of Them!

Wedding Bells?

A Steeple Full,

Ringing Out
The News,

"Maddie Hayes Takes
Walter Bishop

"To Be Her Husband
For Better Or Worse.

For Richer
Or For Poorer."

Done. How's About
This Saturday?

What Are You
Talking About?

You Said You Wanted
A Big Church Wedding.

You Got It.

I Didn't Say I Wanted
A Big Church Wedding!

Yes, You Did.

You Want The Network
To Roll The Tape Back?

David!
Maddie.

Hey, Everybody Circle
Next Saturday

On Your Calendar!

I'm Throwing A
Wedding For Maddie!

[Cheering]

You Don't Got
To Thank Me Now.

I'm Telling Him.

Over My Dead Body.

Don't Tempt Me!

If Anybody Is Going
To Discuss This Matter

With Mr. Addison,
It's Going To Be Me!

It Was My Idea!

Your Idea!
Yes!

Ha! You Call That Shapeless
Belch You Blew An Idea?

I Gave It Dimensions!

I Breathed Life Into It,
Gave It Wings!

Excuse Me, Sir.
Could I Just Have--

Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho!

I Think You Boys
Know The Rules, Don't You?

Yes, Sir.
Yes, Sir.

Well?

No Talking Out Of Turn.

And?

We Raise Our Hands When
We Want To Be Called On.

Thank You.

Macgilicuddy.

Sir, We Want To Throw
A Bachelor Party

For Mr. Bishop.

Insomuch As You've Chosen
To Display A Great Largesse

Towards Miss Hayes'
Intended,

this Idea Of Mine

Seems An Entirely
Appropriate Adjunct

To The More
Formal Nuptials.

What Did He Say?

How About A Naked Girl
Jumping Out Of A Cake?

I Like The Way
You Think, Macgilicuddy.

We'll Need Vast Quantities
Of Premium Alcohol.

And Dirty Movies.

Games Of Chance.

Stay Up All Night,
Get Really Crazy.

And Puke.

We'll Import Women
Of Easy Virtue

For The Occasion.

While I Find It Difficult

To Work Up Any Enthusiasm
For This Particular Party...

I Wouldn't
Stand In The Way

Of You Boys
Having A Good Time.

At Ease, Men.

He Hated It.

What Do You Expect?

It Was The Dumbest Idea
You've Ever Had.

Do You Believe
The Nerve Of That Man,

Trying To Throw Me
A Wedding?

I Will Admit It's
A Bit Unorthodox.

Unorthodox?
Yeah.

It's Manipulative
And Cruel,

Not To Mention
Spiteful.

Do You Think You Might Be
Reacting A Touch Strongly There?

No, I'm Not! How Dare
He Throw Me A Wedding?

I Can Just See Him Now.

He's Laughing So Hard,
His Ribs Are Breaking.

Are You Sure You're
Reacting Logically To This?

Logically? This Man
Is Trying

To Dismantle Our Lives.

We Don't Need Logic.
We Need Dynamite.

You Know, The Truth Is,

It Would Be Hard
To Find A Nicer Gesture.

This Isn't A Gesture.
This Is A Dare.

A Dare That's A Prelude

To Embarrassment
And Disaster.

How Can Our Wedding
Be An Embarrassing Disaster?

I Thought You Said
You Hated

Big Church Weddings.

Well, I Did.
I Do.

I Mean, It Meant
A Lot To Me

That You Hated
Big Weddings.

Well, Normally--

Normally? You Mean
You're Thinking

About Allowing David

To Get Away
With This Scheme?

I'd Just Like The Chance--

So You Were Lying To Me

When You Said You
Hated Big Weddings.

You Sounded Like
You Were.

Well, I Wasn't.

I Can't Believe You.

You're Gonna Let Him
Do This To Us?

I Have Yet To See
What He's Doing To Us

Besides Provoking
Our First Fight

And Ruining Our Evening.

He Is Making Mock.

And David Makes Mock

Like The Swiss
Make Cuckoo Clocks.

Maddie, Hold On
Just A Second.

Calm Down. Calm Down.

We're Not On
That Train Anymore.

We're Here, In Your House,

With The Rest Of
Our Lives Ahead Of Us.

Maybe What We Need
To Stand Up

In Front Of
The World Together,

Get Us Off That Train,

Get Us Out Of That
Magical Little Cocoon

We Were In, We Can Put
David Behind Us,

And Get On
With Our Marriage.

I'm Even Thinking
About Going

To That Bachelor Party
They're Planning.

Bachelor Party?

Yeah. Somebody From The
Office Called About It.

You're Thinking
About Going?

This Is Not A Bachelor Party
They're Offering You.

This Is A Ticket To
Your Own Lynching.

You Can't Go To A
Bachelor Party With David.

Look, I Appreciate
Your Concern,

But I'm A Big Boy.
I'm Not Gonna Get Lynched.

I Won't Even Wear A Necktie.

He'll Get You Drunk.

He'll Get You
Falling-Down Dead Drunk

And Then Trick You Into
Doing Something Lewd.

I Don't Know
What He'll Do,

But I Guarantee You

You'll End Up Baying At
The Moon From A Toilet,

A Tattoo Parlor,

Or Maybe Even
The Arctic Circle.

That's What A Bachelor Party's
Usually About, Isn't It?

Yes! Only Yours Will
Have Plenty Of Bail.

You Think This Wedding
Is A Benign Gesture,

A Stroll
Down The Aisle.

But It's Not An Aisle.
It's A Gauntlet.

A Gauntlet?

David Will Do His Best

To Make This
Entire Affair

A Public Burning.

You Don't Know Him
Like I Do.

He Seems Normal,
But He Isn't.

He Exists
For One Reason:

To Throw
Monkey Wrenches

Into My Peace
And Sanity.

I Thought I'd Found
A Way To Stop All That.

Hey, Hold On
Just A Second.

What's Going On Here?

I Know You Felt
A Lot Of Things For David,

But This Is Beginning
To Seem Like...

Can I Ask You Something?

No.

Do You Still
Care For Him?

No. I Don't Care
For Him.

You Sure?

Why Is My Own Husband
Taking His Side?

I'm Not Taking His Side.

Yes, You Are.

Just Because I'm Not
Afraid Of The Treachery

Behind His Offer?

Yes, And Because You
Want To Go Through

With This Wedding.

Ok, Fine,
Have It Your Way.

Have It David's Way.
We'll Do It!

I Can't Believe
My Own Husband

Wants To Get
Married To Me.

Ok. I'm Going To Go Take
A Little Walk Around The Block.

See If Some Fresh Air
Can Help Me Figure Out

What The Hell It Is
We're Arguing About.

How About Dessert?

No, Thanks.
I'm Stuffed.

Cookie Monster Swirl.

Ha Ha. No, I'm All Right.

All Right. I Guess I
Won't Have Any Either.

No, Stay.
I Need To Stretch.

How About We Brush Up
On Our Breathing Exercises?

T-Minus 12 Days
And Counting.

Great. Ok.

How About Lionel
If It's A Boy?

I Always Wanted Model
Trains For Christmas.

Lionel Knowles.

What Do You Think?

David?

Yo.

Breathing Exercises.
Right.

Are You Ok?

Fine.

Why?

You Didn't Touch
Your Food.

That's A Trick I Do.

I Try And Will The Food
Into My Mouth.

David, I'm Confused.

About What?

Have I Done
Something Wrong?

What?

What Are You
Talking About?

No, Of Course You
Didn't Do Anything Wrong.

No, No.
I'm Sorry. It's Me.

I've Just Been
A Little Preoccupied.

Things Have Been
Real Crazy At The Office.

But No, No. You Didn't
Do Anything Wrong.

As A Matter Of Fact,

Things Are Finally
Starting To Settle Down Now.

I Thought That We Could
Spend More Time Together,

Just You And Me.

I'd Like That.

What Are You Doing
Next Saturday?

Probably Stay At Home,

Watch My Ankles Swell.

Want To Go
To A Wedding?

A Wedding?

A Friend Of Mine's
Getting Married.

Sounds Like Fun.

A Regular Laugh Riot.

Who's The Friend?

Maddie Hayes.

Maddie Hayes?

Mm-Hmm.

I Didn't Even Know
She Was Back.

Who's She Marrying?

Some Mook.

Anyway,
She's Getting Married,

So I Figured I'd Throw
Her A Little Wingding.

You're Throwing
This Wedding?

Yep.

What?

I Mean, It's...

What's So Funny?

Nothing. I--It's
Very Sweet Of You.

I'm A Regular
Prince Charming.

Do You Want
To Talk About It?

No, I Don't Want
To Talk About It.

Ok.

Ok.

Are You
Very Unhappy?

No, I'm Not Unhappy.
I'm...

I'm Not Unhappy.
I'm, Uh...

I Don't Know.
I'm Happy.

I'm Thrilled.
I'm Elated.

I'm Tickled Pink And Many
Other Various Colors.

Like Black And Blue?

No Way. She Never
Laid A Glove On Me.

Are Sure You
Want Me To Go?

I Don't Think I Could
Get Through It Without You.

♪ Pretty Woman ♪

♪ Walkin' Down The Street ♪

♪ Pretty Woman ♪

♪ The Kind
I'd Like To Meet ♪

♪ Pretty Woman ♪

♪ I Don't Believe You ♪

♪ You're Not The Truth ♪

♪ No One Could Look
As Good As You ♪

I'm Sorry.
Wrong Door.

♪ Ohh, Ohh, Pretty Woman ♪♪

Sorry, Sir.

I Know That Scent.

Is That You, Bert?

Well, It, Uh...

It--It Probably Is, Sir.

What Are You Doing,
Bert?

I'm Sorry, Sir.

I'm Not Sure I Understand
What You're Saying.

Get Dressed
In The Dark?

Oh. Uh...This?

Uh...

Please, Mr. Addison,

Don't Breathe A Word
About This To Anybody.

Not A Word. I'm In
A Terrible Bind.

The Stripper That I Booked
Called In Sick An Hour Ago.

It Was My Responsibility.

If Nobody Pops Out
Of That Cake,

Macgilicuddy
Will Ruin My Life.

I Know That It Is Insane,
But I've Got To Pinch-Hit.

My Only Hope Is
They're All So Hammered

They Won't Recognize
Who I Am.

I Think I'll Just
Go Find The Kitchen.

[Kissing Sound]

Hey, Later For You, Babe.

What Do You Say, Bro?
Should We Hit The Beach?

Ah, Come On.
No Big Deal.

We Say Our Hellos,
We Say Our Good-Byes--

Whoosh! We're Out Of Here.

Come On.

So, Dave, Which One
Is Don Juan?

There. This Guy
Sitting By Himself.

That's Him?

that's Him Him?

My Condolences.

I'm Go Talk To Him.
Get Yourself A Drink.

I'll Be Over Here.

If It Isn't The Man
Of The Minute.

David.

Walter.

I Saw You Sitting
Over Here.

I Was Going To Come Over
And Make A Joke

About You Sitting
With All Your Friends,

When I Realized You
Probably Don't Know

Anybody Here. So I
Figured I'd Come Over.

You Look Like You've
Already Had Quite A Night.

I've Already Had
Quite A Year.

Is Maddie All Excited
About Tomorrow?

She's Certainly
Worked Up About It,

That's For Sure.

To You!

Ever Been To One
Of These Before?

What? A Bachelor Party

For A Guy Who's
Already Married,

Thrown By Another Guy
Who Knows His Wife

Better Than He Does,

And Attended By
Absolutely Nobody

That The Bachelor
In Question Knows?

No, I Haven't.

Are We The Only Two Guys Here
Not Having A Good Time?

Yeah.

Great.

What Kind Of Gasoline
You Drinking There, Cowboy?

Ale. Ginger Ale.

Come Here. Why Don't We
Try Something

A Little More
Lethal Here.

To...

The Best Laid Plans.

neigh!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

[Strip Music Plays]

Whoo!

Go! Go!

♪ I Get Too Hungry ♪

♪ For Dinner At 8:00 ♪

♪ I Like The Theater ♪

♪ But Never Come Late ♪

♪ I Never Bother ♪

♪ With People I Hate ♪

♪ That's Why The Lady ♪

♪ Is A Tramp ♪

♪ I Don't Like Crap Games ♪

♪ With Barons And Earls ♪

♪ Won't Go To Harlem ♪

♪ Dressed In Ermine
And Pearls ♪

♪ Won't Dish The Dirt ♪

♪ With The Rest
Of The Girls ♪

♪ That's Why The Lady ♪

♪ Is A Tramp ♪

Yeah!

♪ Hate California ♪

♪ It's So Cold
And It's Damp ♪

♪ That's Why The Lady ♪

Yeah! Yes!

♪ That's Why The Lady ♪

♪ That's Why The Lady ♪

♪ Is A Tramp ♪

♪ Ba-Bop So-Bop Ba-Bop ♪

♪ Ba-Bop ♪♪

Oh, No.

Oh, Man, It's 10:06.

Time To Go.

Oh!

Oh, How Hideous.

I Hereby Decree...

That The Royal Order

Of The Yellow
Napkin-Heads

Is Hereby
Adjourned.

Oh...

Oh, No.

How Hideous.

Aah!
Aah!

I Never Thought I'd Be
Getting Home This Late.

It's All Right.
Don't Worry About It.

Maddie Will Understand.

Just Tell Her
You Were Out With Me.

I Gotta Hand It To You,
David.

A Wingding Like This
That You're Throwing?

A Lot Of Guys Would've
Felt Obligated

To Show Up On Time
And Sober.

I Feel Awkward Enough

About Going To
This Wedding

Without Having To
Drag You Out Of Bed,

And Shove You
In The Shower,

And Pull Your Pants On
For You.

I Was Faking
That Part Of It.

I Could've
Done That For Myself.

And You Reek
Of Whiskey.

Is Banging Into
Every Pothole

Your Way Of Telling Me
You're Upset?

I Shouldn't Be Driving.

A Woman Who's
8 1/2 Months Pregnant

Isn't Supposed
To Be Behind The Wheel.

All Right, Pull Over.
I'll Drive.

Never Mind.

Thank You For Coming.

Grab A Seat
Wherever You Can.

Thank You.

Looks Like Quite
A Full House In There.

Almost A Sellout.

Your Brother Sure Knows
How To Throw A Wedding.

He's The Hostess
With The Mostest.

Anybody Else Out
There On The Street

Looking To Share In
The Wedded Bliss?

Snagged Them All.

Ha-Cha-Cha-Cha!

[Knock On Door]

Well, It's Not Every Man
Who Gets Married

In A Tuxedo
Once Owned By Burl Ives.

I Look Ridiculous.

No, You Don't.

You Look Beautiful.

It's Bad Luck
To See The Bride

Before The Wedding.

It's Worse Luck
For The Groom

To Trip Over His Pants

And Lose A Couple Of Teeth
On The Communion Rail.

You Got A Safety Pin?

I Hate To Say
I Told You So.

But I Told You So.

Yeah, I'm Beginning To Think

This Wasn't A Simple
Mistake By Old David.

I Can't Wait To See
The Bouquet--

Gardenias And
Venus-Flytraps.

It Will Probably
Squirt Water.

Look, We Are Going
To Get Through This.

Get Through This.

Just Walk
Down The Aisle--

Without Stepping
In Something.

And Say I Do.

[Knock On Door]

Come In!

I'm Reverend Hackley.

I'd Like To Take A Moment To
Run Through The Ceremony--

That Won't
Be Necessary.

Let's Just
Get Out There,

Get It Over With,

And Get The Hell
Out Of Here.

I'm Sorry.

She Means The Less Said,
The Better.

The Sacrament
Of Holy Matrimony

Isn't Something To Be
Taken Lightly.

We Know That,
Reverend.

We're Already Married.
This Is--

No Big Deal.

Wonderful, Solemn--

Unforgettable.
No Big Deal.

Of Course. Who Will Be
Giving The Bride Away?

The Bride Doesn't
Need Anyone

To Give Her Away.

My Parents Are
Out Of The Country.

Why Don't We Just
Get The Show On The Road?

Yes. Well...

Standing Before God,

Proclaiming Their Love
For Each Other,

Is The Most Important Decision
Two People Can Make.

Do You Have
Any Questions?

You Have
A Safety Pin?

[The Wedding March Plays]

You Sure Have A Lot Of
Friends, Miss Hayes.

Who's That Woman
With David?

Dearly Beloved,

We've Come Together
In The Presence Of God

To Witness And Bless
The Joining Together

Of This Man
And This Woman.

The Union
Of Husband And Wife

In Heart,
Body, And Mind,

Is Intended For
Their Mutual Joy.

For Help And Comfort,

Given One Another
In Prosperity...

and Adversity...

Ahem!

And When It Is
God's Will,

For The Procreation
Of Children.

Whoa!

Sorry.

Into This Holy Union--

Ooh!

Eee!

I Think It's Time
To Go, David.

I'm Sorry.

Please,
Continue.

I Just
Have To Go.

Everything's
Under Control.

What? What Is
Under Control, David?

Who Is That Woman,
And What Is Going On?

Look, I Wish I Could
Stop And Explain All Of This,

But I'm Afraid
I'm About To Have A Baby.

Baby?

Yes, A Baby!

A Baby?

A Baby?
A Baby?

Yeah, A Baby!

So, Excuse
The Interruption.

Take It From The
Downbeat, Rev.

We'll Just
Slip Out Quietly

And Tell You All
About It Tomorrow.

I'd Like To Know Whose
Baby She's Having.

Her Own.

This Isn't A Dry Run.

This Is Condition Red.
Her Water Broke.

Well, I'm Coming.

No, You're Not.
No, You're Not.

First Of All,
You're Not Invited.

And Second Of All,

You Can't Just Walk
Out On These Extras.

They're Paid For.

Hold This.

I Caught The Bouquet!
I Caught The Bouquet!

David, Look At You.

You're 180-Proof
Hung Over.

I'm Fine.

You're In No Condition
To Drive This Woman,

Whoever She Is,
To The Hospital,

Much Less Help Her
Deliver Her Baby.

Butt Out!

I'm Coming.

No, You're Not!
Yes, I Am!

Get Married!

Try And Make Me!

Oh!

Ah!

Ah!

David...

Who Is This Woman,

And How Dare You
Act Like This--

Throw Me A Wedding
When You--She--

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Hold That Thought

Till...
Say, Tomorrow.

Follow That Car!

Maddie!

Ah!

Where Are...The Three Of Us
Going On Our Honeymoon?

To The Hospital!

Natch.

Just Let Me Sit.

All Right.
Sit Here.

Watch It.
You Ok?

Yeah.

I'm Having A Baby!

May I Help You?

We're Having A Baby.

Doctor?

No, Private
Investigator.

Who Is Your Doctor?

This Is Not
His Hospital.

This Is Kind Of An
Unscheduled Stop.

Don't You Have Some Kind
Of An Express Line Here?

You All Right?

Name?

Priscilla
If It's A Girl--

David Addison!

That Has A Nice
Ring To It.

Cutting It Close,
Aren't You, Honey?

I Told You I Didn't
Want You To Come Down Here!

Your Wife's
Name, Please?

Your Wife!

She's Not My Wife!

I'm Not His Wife!
Not In A Million Years.

Well, Then, Who Are You,
And Who Is She?

That's What I'd
Like To Know!

She's My Lamaze Partner.

Knowles, Terry--
With A "K."

I Just Have One
Question For You.

Did You Know She
Was Pregnant

When You And I Were
Almost Getting Pregnant?

Look, She's Not
Having My Baby.

she's Not Having My Baby.

Nobody In The Whole Room
Is Having My Baby!

Then What
Are You Doing Here?

That's What I
Want To Know!

Maddie!

Why Do I Think
You're All Together?

I'm With Her.

Take She-Ra Outside
And Get Some Air, Huh?

Are You The Father
Of Her Baby?

No, I'm Only
The Husband!

I Want Some
Answers, David!

You Owe Me
Some Answers!

This Isn't Your Party!

After
Humiliating Me!

Humiliating You?
I Thought You Loved Him,

Like A Cow
Loves His Cud!

I Hate You!

Oh, Good.
That'll Make This Easy.

Get Your Ass
Out Of Here!

Where Are You Going?
Terry!

Hold Everything!

What Am I
Talking About?

You're Not Holding
Anything, Are You?

All Right.
Short...Long...

Fine. Maintain
Her Breathing.

Long, Long, Short--

The Pain's
Almost Over.

Short, Short, Long.
You're Almost Through.

Give Me A Deep
Cleansing Breath.

Maybe You Didn't Hear Me.
I Said Get Out Of Here!

Maybe You Didn't
Hear Me.

I Want Some Answers.

Scram!
Talk!

Talk? What's There
To Talk About?

You Keep Me Hanging
For Four Months.

You Use My Guts For A Mop,

And Then What Do You Do?
What Do You Tell Me?

You Say,
"The Baby's Not Yours.

And I'm Married
To Somebody Else."

What Else Is There To Say?

Do You Love Her?

Here Comes
Another One.

Are You Kidding?
How Could He Love Me?

He's Crazy About You!

I Am Not! I Hate Her!

Give Me
Three Shorts And A Long.

Here We Go.
Short, Short, Short, Long.

She's Fully Dilated.

Don't Let Her Push
Till I Get A Doctor.

Short, Short.

So, Do You Love Him?

Of Course She Does.
She's Crazy About Him.

You Are.

I Am Not!

She Is Not!
I Hate Him!

See, She Hates Me.
I Hate Her, Too!

Yeah!
You Do Not!

Do, Too!
She Does, Too!

You Do Not!

Yes, I Do, Yes, I Do,
Yes, I Do!

Love Him?
I Loathe Him.

He Is Conceited
And Unfeeling.

He's As Sensitive
As A Toilet Seat

And Almost As Warm.

Since The Day He
Walked In Here,

He's Done Nothing But
Make Me Miserable!

I Couldn't Have
Said It Better Myself.

Are You Just Going
To Take This?

I've Been Taking This
For Almost Four Years.

The Only Thing I Can't
Figure Out Is

How Much Money You
Had To Pay Wally Here

To Close His Eyes,
Hold His Nose,

To Get Him To Live In
The Same House With You.

How Dare You.

Nothing Daring About It.
It Was Pure Pleasure.

You're The Most
Disgusting Creature!

This Is Her
Daily Explosion Of Vile.

She's The Old Faithful
Of Crap!

I Came Back
To Tell You So!

Good Because We Are
Done, Finished, Done!

Finished, Over!

Good!

Great!

Good-Bye!
Gone!

Go!
Good Riddance!

Aah!

For God's Sake,
Will You Two Kiss Already?

[Baby Cries]

Congratulations,
Everybody.

That Is The Most
Amazing Thing I Ever Saw.

Yay!

Walter...Hayes...
Addison...Knowles.

Who'd Of Thunk It?

Quite A Day, Huh?

Yeah.

Weddings, Births...

Yep.

We Can Talk About It
Now If You Want--

I Mean, The Kiss.

No.

Maddie, When You Show Up
For Work On Monday,

I'm Probably Not
Going To Be There.

It Just Doesn't
Make Any Sense.

The Baby's Not Mine...

You're Not Mine.

No, I Think
I Got It Figured Out.

You See, I Just...

I Don't Think You Know How
Any Of This Makes Me Feel.

You Just Don't Know.

Boy, When It Rains,
It Pours.

What?

Two Men Leaving One Woman
On Her Wedding Day?

You Want Me To Feel
Sorry For You?

No. It's A Joke.

How Could I Expect You
To Feel Sorry For Me?

But You Know, David,

I Didn't Do Any Of It
To Hurt You.

None Of It.

But It Did,
And I'm Really Sorry.

I'm Really Sorry.

I Know I Made
Some Mistakes.

First I Ran Home
To Mommy And Daddy.

Then I Ran Into Walter
On The Train.

But Now I Realize
The Only One...

The Only Person

That Can Fix
This Situation

Is Me.

I Love You, David,

And When I Saw You

By That Bed
With Terry...

What Really
Matters Here--

What's Important--

Is That We Stop
Hurting Each Other.

If That Means
You Have To Leave,

Then I'll Just
Have To Accept That.

But There's One Thing
I Want You To Know--

That I Really Wish...

With My Whole Heart
That...

This Was Your Baby
Inside Me.

So...

Do What You've
Got To Do, But...

I Just Want You To
Know I Understand.

Come On.

Come On What?

You Probably Haven't
Eaten All Day.

Need Your Grains.

Need Your Milk.

Need Your Fruits.

They've Got
A 24-Hour Cafeteria Here.

Why I Take The Three
Of Us Down

And Get Us Something
To Eat?

I Guess I Could Just
Take Junior Down.

No, That's Right.

I Guess The Two Of You
Are Still A Package Deal.

Come On.

Yeah, Grains,
Citrus, And Milk.

Everything I Read

Says Those Are
The Important Things

For You To Get Down
That Gullet Of Yours.

Protein. Protein's
Very Important, Too,

Although There's
Lots Of Controversy

About What Form
Of Protein's Best.

You Got
Your Beef People.

You Got
Your Egg People.

Got Your Soy People.

How About You?

You A Beef Person?

That's All Right.

You Don't Have
To Answer That.

Captioning Made Possible By
Lions Gate Home Entertainment

Captioned By The National
Captioning Institute

--TC6 WAS HERE--

♪ Ooh, Oh, Oh ♪

♪ So Come Walk The Night ♪

♪ Come Fly By Day ♪

♪ Something Is Sweeter ♪

♪ 'cause We Met On The Way ♪

♪ We'll Walk By Night ♪

♪ We'll Fly By Day ♪

♪ Moonlighting Strangers ♪

♪ Who Just Met On The Way ♪

♪ Who Just Met On The Way ♪

♪ Who Just Met On The Way ♪