Moone Boy (2012–2015): Season 1, Episode 4 - Dark Side of the Moone - full transcript

12 is an exciting age for a gentleman

An exciting, terrifying age
when new odd thoughts arrive.

Sometimes these thoughts
are brought on by tennis ladies.

Sweaty, grunty,
Argentinian tennis ladies.

Woman is like a walking advert
for cough drops and deodorant.

They'll be off now to
gargle with some TCP.

Sometimes these thoughts
are bought on by bathing ladies.

Blond fairy tale bathing ladies.

This is the moment when Martin relised
that some cleaning is actually dirty.

What on Earth is that!

How's it going spanners



Uncle Danny

You look so tanned

Just got off the yatch didn't I.

A yatch?

How's it going bro?

How are you Dan?

How do I look?.

Well....

Ah, there's me favourite nephew.

Come over here and
embrace me you little twerp.

Hi Uncle Danny
I feel faint.

Nothing to see here.

And Belgrade has this
amazing water festival every fall.

Wow, You say fall now
like they do in 90210



Well, I suppoose I do.
Amazing.

Daniel Moone was a busker who left Ireland
a year ago to embark on a rock'n'roll lifestyle.

They call that coffee a Cappuccino

Traveling around Europe, sleeping under bridges
and basically behaving like a homeless person.

What was Yugoslavia like?

Oh, amazing. Good people,
really good people.

Good hearts.
What about Venice?

Ah, Venice.

Indescribeable really.
Amazing.

He didn't say anything Martin.

Yes he did.
He said it was indescribeable.

Deaf head

This what happens when you
pitch your tent in Lyon in the dark.

Is that a traffic island?

Nothing like waking up to the beautiful
sound of French horns in the morning.

Cos it's an instrument too

Oh, because it's the sound that a car
makes in France but it's also a trumpet. Exactly.

Oh you're right,
That's so good.

Funny and clever.

It's two things.

Hey, anymore thoughts
on last nights trouser incident?.

OH MY GOD,
what was that?

Maybe an allergy thing?

Had you eating strawberries?
I don't think so.

Mmm.
I tell you something, it was not pleasant.

I wouldn't worry about it buddy.
Probably just some kind of infection, you know.

possibly fungal,
maybe get yourself a bag of frozen peas.

or a small rock hammer.
I think I'll ask around first.

see if it's catching.

So you've started to pitch the old tent?

You're flying the flesh flag.

Building the dirty snowman.

Been there kid, been there.

Soooo....
What does it mean?

I don't know?

Erm, Daniel, if you're looking for that old
guitar you left here, I tucked it away for you.

Genine

Where'd you put her?

Not somewhere damp I hope.

I don't want my fretboard to get warped.

Oh don't worry Dan we kept Genine in a
strictly moisture controlled enviroment for you.

I was thinking I might
head out and see Dad later.

Ah, I'm sure he'd love to see you,
he can have visitors until 9.

What are you talking about?

You didn't put him in a home did you?
No, don't call it that.

He loves it up there, he's
flirting away with all the bed pan women

You could've talked to me about it.

And I do that how?

By scrawling a message on
a toilet door in Berlin.

Well they must be so much happier
since they got rid of that old wall.

I'm here now aren't I.

You can imagine how
blessed we all feel about that.

Our back wall came down
recently and it was a right pain.

I'll head off
there now actually.

Hang on.

We'll both go out
and see him later if you like.

At least Boyle is relatively NAZI free.

Talking to myself now.

Have you used any public swimming facilities
lately. They're a breeding ground for fungus'.

Fungi,
Fungi.

No, but last week Mum defrosted
a chicken while I was taking a bath.

Oooh, Oh yeah,
that's your culprit.

Just some kind of growing
base salmonella I expect.

Fingers crossed.

Martin!

Oh, Hi.

Who you talking to?

Er, you!

We're talking.

You said "Martin", I said "Hi Ya"
and you said "Who are you talking to"

and then I started talking
and I haven't stopped since.

You don't still have
that imaginary friend do you?

Sean Murphy?

No,

What're you now?, 11?

12

Yep, Leave your coat on. We're going
to the nursing home to see grandad.

But it's not Christmas.

We don't just
visit at Christmas?

Fine, but if I see one sprout.

It just broadens the mind.

You know?
Course you do.

Promise me though,
you'll never take Hungarian acid.

Oki Doki.

Seriously bro, it's lethal.

Well, acid burns through
evertything doesn't it?

Ha ha ha ha ha...

It's simple first class science.

That's a little pub
in Croatia we used to go to.

Are we allowed to
turn on the TV Sinead

This is on the ferry,
out to one of the islands.

Is there no pictures of you?

Well I was taking them all, so.

Ah, that was one of my
favourite places for busking.

So you're still playing huh?

Well I couldn't let those lessons
you gave me go to waste could I.

Here's some nice jelly grandad.

Help yourself Michael.
It's like rubber offal.

I'm sure it's not that bad.

Do you want to eat it?

I like ALL jellies.

It's great to see you again son.

It's getting late,
we'd better shoot off.

See you soon Dad.

Yeah, at Christmas.

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

Right, c'mon

Take care of yourself Joe.

We'll be in the car.

Just you and me now Madge

Your lovely eyes.

And big hairy nose.

Genine

Piece of piss.

What the hell...

Night Sean Murphy

I said good night deaf head.

Sean?

Where the hell are you?

Indeed!
where the Hell was I?

Actually I was here,

having a nice relaxing time with
all the other rejected imaginary friends.

You hustling me?

Can I play the winner?

We'll play them both.

We haven't been rejected

Just come in when the Porick's kipping.

Drinking tea and
watching the Late Late show.

Another wild night in Boyle
huh...

If there's somewhere else
you'd rather be no one's stopping you.

Where else would you see
a potato shaped like a duck.

Saw a lot of things in Amsterdam.

Save the Wacky Baccy stories
for the kids will you.

Anyone want the
last Jammie Dodger?

Well, You know what

I've been getting this really
resentful vibe off you ever since I got back.

Jammie Dodgers?,
Jammie Dodgers?

Have you now.

Oh yeah,
seems like a jealousy thing to me man.

Can you stop calling me man.

I'm not some fella
you stole marijuana off.

Alright boss, marijuana from

Ok then, I'll avoid calling
you a man from now on.

TV: You won't have to wait long,
it's a Drake.

That looks nothing like a duck.

(Mumbles in sleep)

New Balls please.

New Balls please.

New Balls.

New Balls please.

Ohhhh, everythings going well

I need new balls.

I need new balls.

What?
Oh. Hey. (CLEARS THROAT) Hi.

You alright?

Yeah! Great. Great.

Everything OK down there, bud?

Yep. Yeah. Dry as a bone...

'Martin! Get up for school!'

Gotta go.
Dreams are mad, aren't they?

Mine are extremely boring.

Why don't you take a chill pill, man.
Oh yeah, what's that?

Daniel, the reason
I can't take a chill pill is

because I've got bills, bills.

Are you talking to me?

Sounded like you were having a fake
argument with yourself there, bro.

I was making some brilliant points
too. You woulda been stumped.

Look, I probably went a bit over
the top last night.

Ah, we both went a bit over the top.
You especially.

Listen, there's actually something
else I wanted to bring up.

Well, I'm a bit unrehearsed for that
now...

It's about Martin.

So the dam's burst, huh?
The trawlers went out to sea.

The choo-choos left willy station?
Been there, kid...been there...

You dunno what it means, do you?

Not a clue.

I have a theory about it being
related to cloud formations,

but there's no real
science behind it.

I appreciate your honesty.

So what did ya do with the sheets?

You brought them to school?!

What else could I do?
I didn't have time to bury them.

He was just 14 years old.

Foreign exchange student told him
imaginary friends were for babies.

Oh what a dick. Where was
he from this overseas dream wrecker?

Florence, I think he said.

Bloody Spaniards. What, with the
lack of imagination and the bull
murdering.

Ugh, I hate Spaniards.

What the...? Where's Crunchie
'Danger' Haystacks gone?

(GROANS)

No, I think you're wrong.
Tigers are definitely female lions.

That just doesn't seem right.

Crunchie 'Danger' Haystacks?

That's my name.

Tigers are female lions, right?

They certainly taste the same.

He agrees with me.

Hey, Sean's kinda gone missing.
Does Crunchie ever go on holiday?

He went snorkelling in a volcano
with Bigfoot once

but he was back by morning,
weren't ya, Crunchie?

It wasn't worth my while, pal.
Terrible visibility, lava.

So wait a second,
are you taking the lead on this?

What? No, I thought you were.

No, that's fine. I was just... I
don't know if you wanted to...

I'm fine.

You're sure ye don't
want my input on this?

I know the lingo.

I know the lingo.
I invented the feckin' lingo.

I just thought he might find it
a little less embarrassing

if it came from me.

Daniel, thanks I've got it.
Suit yourself.

Martin. Welcome home, darling.

Martin. Please, come join us
here at the table, will you, please?

Thanks for coming in.

Good to see you.

Good luck.

Please, take a seat.

Look at you there. Here we
are...Right.

Actually I think I'll stay sat.

Can I stand? No.

It has come to our attention
that you've been the victim

of a...bit of a night-time incident.

Can a man not wet his own bed in
this house anymore?!

Listen. What's happening is
perfectly natural. Listen to me...

But I'm sleepy...

Women. Men.
What's it all about? Who knows?

You don't know that's why
we're doing this.

So. Girls are essentially creatures
of the night. They're fascinating.

And...alluring. Take your mother
here...

Please don't.

Birds, bees and other...winged...

(YAWNS) I'm sleepy too.

Penises...

(COUGHS)

Vaginas...

Marty, ya wanna come busking in
town, buddy?

Do I!

(SIGHS) That was...something.

Not quite as intense as me
explaining periods to Sinead,

but close.

What do you mean the moon is
gonna make me bleed?

I'll make the moon bleed.

(SINGS) She aches just like a woman,
But she breaks just like a little
girl...

That song says everything you need
to know about women.

Yeah...Women definitely taste
like...women.

And smell like women...

Lick my foot! Lick my foot!

Lick it!

'Oh, but I know the lingo man..'
Oh aye, ya fecking know.

Jesus Christ.

To be honest, Marty,
there's only so much I can teach ya.

But I'm always here for questions.
OK? You're at a lovely stage now.

Enjoy it. Have fun.
Get yourself some girlie mags.

You'll figure out the rest yourself.

"Girlie mags"... Right.

I should've brought some back
from Germany - when I was on tour

with U2 we had girlie mags...

You were on tour with U2?!

I was The Edge's roadie. Used to look
after his plectrums.

Wow. What was he like?

Force of nature.
He was the real boss in that band.

Always made Bono
carry his gear around.

No!

Yeah, one night after a show in,
Prague I think it was.

Couple of the roadies
was about to lift a big,

heavy amp backstage and The Edge
said, "No. Leave it.

"Make Bono carry that."

Aww... Poor little Bono.

Hey, will we do a U2 song in tribute?

Oh yeah, do Sunday Bloody Sunday!

Ya like that one?

Yeah, I bloody hate Sundays.

Martin, we have to go now...

(SINGS) I can't believe the news
today

I can't close my eyes and make it go
away

Sunday Bloody Sunday!

Sunday Bloody Sunday! Wooh!

Sorry we got interrupted like that.

I think we should probably continue
having that chat we were having...

I think we'd got as far as...vaginas.

It's OK, Dad. Danny and I talked.

Girlie mags... Girlie mags...

Read it... Read it...

Read it...

I think you're gonna have to
let it go, love.

I don't think he knows what he's
saying half the time. Yeah.

Hey.

Look.
I don't want to have an argument.

But I did say I was going to do
The whole birds-and-bees thing.

Well, I just figured...I'm more
experienced than you.

All the travelling and everything.

Not this shite again.

Excuse me?

What's the last country you were in?

Norway, I think.

Norway! Right.

And tell me something.

Do you not need a passport to
get in to Norway?

What are you talking about?

I found it in your old guitar case.
Where have you been?

Carlow?! What the
hell have you been doing in Carlow?

Working in a sugar beet factory.

So...just so I get this straight
- for the last year you've been

working in a sugar beet
factory in Leinster?

Sometimes.

Sometimes. Right.

Where do
you get the photos?

Found them on a bus.

Funny, yeah?

Actually that's quite funny, yeah.

Well, I'm happy that you find my
life so amusing.

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Holy Moly. Well I'll not be doing
that again...!

So... Major update.

Not now, Martin.

Sean, Sean...?

'Martin! Get up!'

Where's Uncle Danny?

He...had to leave town.

Why? 'Cos ye were fighting again?
No.

He told me to tell you that...Bono
needed him in Zagreb.

He said that you'd understand.

That bloody Edge...

Martin, where are your sheets?

I got it.

So what's been going on?

Nothing much.

Quite a week, yeah?
Yeah.

Good man.