Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 1, Episode 3 - How to Recognise Different Types of Trees from Quite a Long Way Away - full transcript
Court Scene, The Larch, Bicycle Repair Man, Children's Stories, Restaurant Sketch, Seduced Milkmen, Stolen News Reader, Children's Interview, and Nudge Nudge.
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
The larch.
the larch.
Mr. larch, you have heard
the case for the prosecution.
Is there anything you wish
to say before I pass sentence?
Well, I'd just like to say,
my lord, I've...
I've got a family--
a wife and six kids--
And I hope very much you don't
have to take away my freedom
Because... well,
because, my lord
Freedom is a state much prized
Within the realm
of civilized society.
It is a bond wherewith
the savage man may charm
The outward hatchments
of his soul
And soothe the troubled breast
into a magnitude of quiet.
It is most precious
as a blessed balm
The savior of princes,
the harbinger of happiness.
Yea, the very stuff and pith
of all we hold most dear.
What frees
the prisoner
In his lonely cell
Chained within
the bondage of rude walls
Far from the owl of thebes?
What fires and stirs
the woodcock in his springe
Or wakes
the drowsy apricot betide?
What goddess doth
the storm-tossed mariner
Offer most
tempestuous prayers to?
Freedom!
Freedom!
Freedom.
It's only a bloody
parking offense.
I'm sorry
I'm late, my lord
I couldn't find
a kosher car park.
Uh, don't bother
to recap, my lord.
I'll pick it up as we go along.
Call mrs. fiona lewis.
Call mrs. fiona lewis.
I swear to tell the truth
The whole truth
and nothing but the truth.
So anyway, I said...
I said to her, I said
They can't afford that
on what he earns.
I mean, for a start,
the feathers get up your nose.
I ask you, four and six a pound,
and him with a wooden leg?
I don't
know how
She puts up with it
After all the trouble she's had
With her you-know-what.
Anyway, it was
A white wedding,
much to everyone's surprise.
Of course, they bought
everything on the hire purchase.
I think they ought to send it
back where they come from.
I mean, you've got
to be cruel to be kind.
So mrs. harris said,
so she said, she said, she said
The dead crab,
she said, she said.
Well, her sister's
gone to rhodesia
What with her womb and all
And her youngest
Her youngest as thin
as a filing cabinet
And the goldfish, the goldfish,
they've got whooping cough.
They keep spitting water
at the bratbys.
Well, they do,
don't they?
I mean, you can't, can you?
I mean, they're not even
married or anything
They're not even divorced.
And he's in the k.g.b.
If you ask me.
He says he's
a tree surgeon
But I don't like
the sound of his liver
All that squeaking
and banging every night
Till the small hours.
Well, his mother's
been much better
Since she had her head off,
yes, she has.
I said, don't you talk
to me about...
Don't you talk to me
about bladders, I said.
Mr. bartlett, I fail to see the
relevance of your last witness.
Uh, my next witness will explain
that, if my lordship will allow.
I call the late arthur aldridge.
The late
arthur aldridge.
The late
arthur aldridge?
Yes, my lord.
Mr. bartlett, do you think
there's any relevance
In questioning the deceased?
Uh, I beg your pardon, my lord.
Well, I mean, your
witness is dead.
Yes, my lord... well,
uh, virtually, my lord.
He's not completely dead?
No, he's not completely dead,
my lord, no
But he's not at all well.
What? well, if he's not dead
What's he doing in a coffin?
It's purely precaution, my lord,
if I may continue.
Uh, mr. aldridge,
you were...
You are a stockbroker
Of 10 savundra close,
wimbledon.
What was
that knock?
It means "yes," my lord--
One knock for "yes"
and two knocks for "no."
If I may continue.
Uh, mr. aldridge,
would it be fair to say
That you are not at all well?
In fact, mr. aldridge
Not to put
too fine a point on it
Would you be prepared to say
that you are, as it were
What is generally known as,
in a manner of speaking... dead?
Mr. aldridge, I put it to you
that you are dead.
Aha!
Where is all this leading us?
That will become apparent
in one moment, my lord.
Mr. aldridge,
are you considering the question
Or are you just dead?
I think I'd better
take a look, my lord.
No further questions, my lord.
What do you mean,
"no further questions"?
You can't just dump
a dead body in my court
And say "no further questions."
I demand an explanation.
There are no easy answers
in this case, my lord.
I think you haven't got
the slightest idea
What this case is about.
My lord, the... the...
The strange, damnable,
almost diabolic threads
Of this extraordinary
tangled web of intrigue
Will shortly, my lord
Reveal a plot so fiendish,
so infernal, so heinous.
Mr. bartlett, your client
has already pleaded guilty
To the parking offense.
Parking offense,
schmarking offense, my lord.
We must leave no stone unturned.
Call cardinal richelieu.
Oh, you're just trying
to string this case out.
Cardinal richelieu?
A character witness, my lord.
Hello, everyone.
It's wonderful to be here, you
know, I just love your country.
London is so beautiful
at this time of year.
You are cardinal armand
du plessis de richelieu
First minister of louis xiii?
oui.
Cardinal, would it
be fair to say
That you not only built up the
centralized monarchy in france
But also perpetuated
the religious schism in europe?
That's what they say.
And did you
persecute the huguenots?
oui.
And did you take
even sterner measures
Against the great
catholic nobles
Who made common cause
with foreign foes
In defense
of their feudal independence?
I sure did that thing.
Cardinal, are
you acquainted
With the defendant,
harold larch?
Since I was so high.
Speaking as a cardinal
of the roman catholic church
As first minister of louis xiii
And as one of
the architects
Of the modern world already
Would you say that harold larch
was a man of good character?
Listen, harry is a very
wonderful human being.
My lord, in view
of the impeccable nature
Of this character witness,
may I plead for clemency?
It's only 30 shillings.
Not so fast.
Why not?
Uh... uh...
None of your smart answers.
You think you're so clever.
Well, I'm dim.
Dim? consternation, uproar!
Yes, and I have a few
questions I'd like to ask
Cardinal so-called
richelieu.
bonjour, monsieur dim.
So-called cardinal
I put it to you
that you died
In december 1642.
That is correct.
Aha! he fell for my little trap.
Curse you, inspector dim
You are too clever
for us naughty people.
And furthermore, I suggest
That you are none other
than ron higgins
Professional
cardinal richelieu impersonator.
It's a fair cop.
My life, you're clever, dim,
he'd certainly taken me in.
It's all in a day's work.
Well, with a brilliant mind
like yours, dim
You could be something other
than a policeman.
Yes.
What?
If I were not in the c.i.d.,
something else I'd like to be.
If I were not in the c.i.d.,
a window cleaner me.
With a rub-a-dub-dub
and a scrub-a-dub-dub
And a rub-a-dub
all day long.
With a rub-a-dub-dub
and a scrub-a-dub-dub
I'd sing this merry song.
If I were not in the c.i.d.,
something else I'd like to be.
If I were not in the c.i.d.,
a window cleaner me.
With a rub-a-dub-dub
and a scrub-a-dub-dub
And a rub-a-dub
all day long.
With a rub-a-dub-dub
and a rub-a-dub-dub
I'd sing this merry song.
Hey!
If... I were not
before the bar
Something else
I'd like to be
If I were not a barrister,
an engine driver me.
With a chuf-chuf-chuf
and a chuf-chuf-chuf...
Chuf...
The larch.
the larch.
This man is no ordinary man.
This is mr. f.g. superman
To all appearances
no different
From any other
law-abiding citizen.
But mr. f.g. superman has
a secret identity.
When trouble strikes,
at any time, at any place
He is ready to become...
bicycle repairman.
Hey!
There's a bicycle broken.
Up the road!
hmm... goodness
this sounds like a job
for bicycle repairman.
but how to change without
revealing my secret identity?
If only bicycle
repairman were here.
Oh, yeah.
Wait!
I think I know where
I can find him.
Look-- over there!
Bicycle repairman!
But how?
Look!
Is it
a stockbroker?
Is it a
quantity surveyor?
Is it a
church warden?
No!
It's bicycle repairman!
Why, bicycle
repairman
Thank goodness
you've come.
Look.
Why, he's mending it
with his own hands!
See how he uses
a spanner
To tighten that nut.
Bicycle repairman,
how can I ever repay you?
Well, you don't
need to, guv.
It's all right.
It's all in
a day's work
For bicycle
repairman.
Our hero!
Yes, wherever
bicycles are broken
Or menaced
by international communism
Bicycle repairman is ready...
Ready to smash the communists,
wipe them up...
And shove them
off the face of the earth.
Mash the dirty red scum!
Kick them in the teeth
where it hurts!
Kill!
Kill, kill!
Filthy bastard commies!
I hate them, I hate them!
Ah!
Ah!
Tea's ready.
Coming, dear.
Hello, children, hello.
Here is this morning's story.
Are you ready?
Then we'll begin.
"one day, ricky the magic pixie
went to visit daisy bumble
"in her tumble-down cottage.
"he found her in the bedroom.
"roughly, he grabbed
her heavy shoulders
Pulling her down onto the bed
and ripping off her..."
"old nick the sea captain
"was a rough, tough,
jolly sort of fellow.
"he loved the life of the sea
"and he loved to hang out
down by the pier
Where the men dressed
as ladies..."
Oh... uh...
"rumpletweezer ran
the dinky tinky shop
"in the foot of the magic oak
tree by the wobbly dum-dum bush
"in the shade of the magic glade
down in dingly dell.
Here he sold
contraceptives and..."
Discipline...
Naked...
With a melon?
benedictus benedicat
pereusum christum
dominum nostrum.
benedictus benedicat...
pereusum christum
dominum nostrum.
Whoo-hoo!
Hello again.
Now here's a little sketch
by two boys from london town.
They've been writing
for three years
And they've come up
with a little number.
Here it is, it's called
"restaurant sketch."
It's nice here,
isn't it?
Oh, very good
restaurant.
Three stars,
you know.
Really?
Good evening, sir.
Good evening, madam.
And may I say
what a pleasure it is
To see you here again, sir.
Oh, thank you.
Hmm, well, there
you are, dear.
Just have
a look there.
Anything you like?
The boeuf en croute
is fantastic.
If I may suggest, sir,
the pheasant a la reine--
The sauce is one of the chef's
most famous creations.
Mmm, that
sounds good.
Anyway, just
have a look.
Take your time.
Oh, by the way, I've got
a bit of a dirty fork.
Could you get me another one?
I beg your pardon?
Well, it's nothing.
I've got a fork--
a little bit dirty--
Could you get me
another one?
Thank you.
Oh, sir, I do
apologize!
Oh, no need to apologize,
doesn't worry me.
Oh, no, no, no,
I do apologize!
I will fetch the headwaiter
immediatement.
Oh, there's no need to do that.
Oh, no, no, I am sure
the headwaiter
He will want to apologize
to you himself.
I will fetch him at once.
Well, you certainly get
good service here, don't you?
They really look
after you, yes.
Excuse me,
monsieur, madame.
It's filthy!
Gaston!-- find out
who washed these up
And give them
their cards immediately!
Oh, no, no...
No, better still--
Can't afford to
take any chances--
Sack the entire
washing-up staff!
No, look, I don't want
to make any trouble.
Oh, no, please,
it's no trouble.
It's quite right
that you should point
These kind of things out.
Gaston-- tell the manager
What has happened immediately!
No, no, please, I don't
want to cause any fuss.
Please, it's no fuss.
We simply wish to ensure
that nothing interferes
With your complete
en joyment of the meal.
I'm sure
it won't.
It was only
a dirty fork.
I know,
and I'm sorry!
Bitterly sorry!
But I know that
no apologies I can make
Can alter the fact
that in our restaurant
You have been given
a dirty, filthy...
Smelly piece of cutlery!
It wasn't
smelly.
It was smelly!
And obscene
and disgusting!
And I hate it,
I hate it!
I hate it!
Nasty, grubby, dirty,
mangy, scrubby little fork!
Oh... oh... oh...
That will do,
gilberto... gilberto.
Good evening, sir,
good evening, madam.
I am the manager.
I've only just heard.
May I sit down?
Yes, of course.
I want to apologize
Humbly, deeply and sincerely
about the fork.
Oh, no, please,
it was only a tiny bit dirty.
Just... couldn't see it.
Oh, you're good, kind,
fine people for saying that
But I can see it.
To me it's like a mountain...
A vast bowl of pus.
It's not as bad as that.
It gets me here.
I can't give you any excuses
for it, there are no excuses.
I've been meaning to spend more
time in the restaurant recently
But I haven't been too well
And things aren't
going very well back there.
The poor cook's son
has been put away again
And poor old mrs. dalrymple,
who does the washing up
Can hardly move her poor fingers
And then there's
gilberto's war wound.
But they're good people
and they're kind people.
Together we were beginning
to get over this dark patch.
There was light
at the end of the tunnel
When this...
When this... happened!
Could I get you
some water?
It's the end
of the road!
You bastards!
You vicious, heartless bastards!
Look what you've done to him!
He's worked his fingers
to the bone
To make this place what it is
And you come in with
your petty, feeble quibbling
And you grind him into the dirt!
This fine, honorable man
Whose boots
you are not worthy to kiss!
Oh, it makes me mad.
Mad!
Mad.
Easy, mungo, easy.
Mad.
Mungo!
Oh,
the war wound!
The wound,
the wound!
It's the end!
They've
destroyed him!
The end!
He's dead!
They killed him!
Revenge!
Revenge!
No, mungo!
Mungo!
Never kill
a customer.
Oh, the wound,
the wound!
The wound
again!
Lucky we didn't say anything
about the dirty knife.
Oh, no, come on, no!
No, no, no, no!
Well, there we are, then,
that was the restaurant sketch.
Nice little number, bit vicious
in parts, but a lot of fun.
But how about
that punch line, eh?
Oh, you know
what I mean?
Oh, really.
Tired of that drab,
boring life you lead?
Then purchase a past.
Yes, thousands
of people have led
Far more interesting lives
than you will ever lead.
They undoubtedly continue
to lead interesting lives
Whereas you
just as assuredly will not.
Bits of their lives are being
made available for purchase.
For only 15 shillings
Dullards like yourself
can obtain
Beautifully framed photographs
of other people's lives.
Hang them in your den.
Stand them on your desk
or next to your bed.
Pretend they are pictures
from your past.
Hello, I'm uncle frank
and family.
Mind if we stay
a couple of nights?
Or a month?
Or three years?
Hello, we're uncle george
and agnes.
Where's the bathroom?
Shut up!
Oh, shut up!
Oh, sorry.
Not good enough.
Good evening.
Here is the 6:00 news
read by michael queen.
It's been a quiet day
over most of the country
As people went back to work
After the warmest july weekend
for nearly a year.
The only high spot of the
weekend was the meeting
Between officials of the
n.e.d.c. and the o.d.c.n.
In bradford today.
Mr. ted johnson
of the n.e.d.c...
In geneva, officials
of the central clearing banks
Met with herr voleschtadt
of poland
To discuss non-returnable loans
on a 12-year trust basis
For the construction
of a new zinc-treating works
In the omsk area of krakow,
near the bulestan border.
The board of trade has ratified
a trade agreement
With the soviet union
For the sale of 600 low-gear
electric sewing machines.
The president of the board
of trade said he hoped
This would mark a new era
of expansion in world trade
And a new spirit of cooperation
between east and west.
There has been a substantial
drop in gold reserves
During the last 12 months.
This follows a statement
by the treasury
To the effect that the balance
of imports situation
Had not changed dramatically
over the same period.
Still no news of
the national savings book
Lost by mr. charles griffiths
of porthcawl
During a field expedition
To the nature reserves
of swansea last july.
Mr. griffiths' wife said
That her husband was refusing
to talk to the press
Until the savings certificate
had been found.
In cornwall, the death
has been announced today
Of the former minister
without portfolio
General sir hugh marksby-smith.
Sir hugh was vice-president
of the rotarian movement.
In the match between glamorgan
and yorkshire
The yorkshire bowler nicholson
took eight wickets
For three runs.
Glamorgan were all out for 36
And therefore won the match
by an innings and seven runs.
Weather for tomorrow
will be cloudy
With occasional outbreaks
of rain.
That is the end of the...
The larch.
The horse chestnut.
Eric, do you think
You could recognize
a larch tree?
I don't know.
What's
your name?
Michael.
Michael, do you
think you know
What a larch tree
looks like?
I want
to go home.
Bottom.
Are there
any other trees
That any of you think
you could recognize
From quite
a long way away?
I want... sketch
of eric's, please.
What?
I want to see
a sketch of eric's--
"nudge, nudge."
A what? sketch?
Eric's written a...
I've written
a sketch.
"nudge, nudge,"
eric's written.
"nudge, nudge."
"nudge, nudge."
Is your wife
a... a goer, eh?
Know what I mean,
know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge,
nudge, nudge.
Know what I mean?
Say no more,
know what I mean?
I beg your pardon?
Your wife...
does she, uh...
Does she go,
eh, eh, eh?
Know what I mean,
know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge,
say no more?
Well, she
sometimes goes, yes.
I'll bet she does,
I'll bet she does
I'll bet she does.
Know what I mean,
know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge?
I'm sorry--
I don't quite
follow you.
Follow me, follow me!
I like that, that's good.
A nod's as good as
a wink to a blind bat, eh?
Are you trying
to sell something?
Selling, selling,
very good, very good.
Oh, wicked, wicked,
you're wicked, eh?
Know what I mean,
know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge?
Know what I mean,
nudge, nudge?
Nudge, nudge?
Say no more!
Ah! ooh!
Your wife, is she, uh...
Is she a sport, eh?
Well, yes, she
likes sport, yes.
I'll bet she does,
I'll bet she does.
She's very fond
of cricket
As a matter of fact.
Who isn't, eh?
Know what I mean?
Likes games,
likes games?
Knew she would, knew she would,
knew she would.
She's been around,
eh? been around.
She's traveled.
She's from purley.
Oh, oh, say no more,
say no more!
Say no more, purley!
Say no more, purley, eh?
Know what I mean,
know what I mean?
Say no more.
Your wife
interested in...
Photographs, eh?
Know what I mean?
"photographs?" he
asked him knowingly.
Photography?
Yes, nudge, nudge,
snap, snap
Grin, grin, wink, wink
Say no more.
Holiday snaps?
Could be, could be
taken on a holiday
Could be, yes.
Swimming costumes,
you know what I mean?
Candid photography,
you know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge.
No, no, we don't
have a camera.
Ah.
Still... whoa! hey?
Whoa! hey?
Look, are you
insinuating something?
Oh, oh...
Yes.
Well?
Well, I mean
you are
A man of the world,
aren't you?
I mean, you've been
there, haven't you?
I mean, you've
been around, eh?
What do you mean?
Well, I mean, like
you've done it.
I mean, you know,
you've slept with a lady.
Yes.
What's it like?
The larch.
Monty python's flying circus.
The larch.
the larch.
Mr. larch, you have heard
the case for the prosecution.
Is there anything you wish
to say before I pass sentence?
Well, I'd just like to say,
my lord, I've...
I've got a family--
a wife and six kids--
And I hope very much you don't
have to take away my freedom
Because... well,
because, my lord
Freedom is a state much prized
Within the realm
of civilized society.
It is a bond wherewith
the savage man may charm
The outward hatchments
of his soul
And soothe the troubled breast
into a magnitude of quiet.
It is most precious
as a blessed balm
The savior of princes,
the harbinger of happiness.
Yea, the very stuff and pith
of all we hold most dear.
What frees
the prisoner
In his lonely cell
Chained within
the bondage of rude walls
Far from the owl of thebes?
What fires and stirs
the woodcock in his springe
Or wakes
the drowsy apricot betide?
What goddess doth
the storm-tossed mariner
Offer most
tempestuous prayers to?
Freedom!
Freedom!
Freedom.
It's only a bloody
parking offense.
I'm sorry
I'm late, my lord
I couldn't find
a kosher car park.
Uh, don't bother
to recap, my lord.
I'll pick it up as we go along.
Call mrs. fiona lewis.
Call mrs. fiona lewis.
I swear to tell the truth
The whole truth
and nothing but the truth.
So anyway, I said...
I said to her, I said
They can't afford that
on what he earns.
I mean, for a start,
the feathers get up your nose.
I ask you, four and six a pound,
and him with a wooden leg?
I don't
know how
She puts up with it
After all the trouble she's had
With her you-know-what.
Anyway, it was
A white wedding,
much to everyone's surprise.
Of course, they bought
everything on the hire purchase.
I think they ought to send it
back where they come from.
I mean, you've got
to be cruel to be kind.
So mrs. harris said,
so she said, she said, she said
The dead crab,
she said, she said.
Well, her sister's
gone to rhodesia
What with her womb and all
And her youngest
Her youngest as thin
as a filing cabinet
And the goldfish, the goldfish,
they've got whooping cough.
They keep spitting water
at the bratbys.
Well, they do,
don't they?
I mean, you can't, can you?
I mean, they're not even
married or anything
They're not even divorced.
And he's in the k.g.b.
If you ask me.
He says he's
a tree surgeon
But I don't like
the sound of his liver
All that squeaking
and banging every night
Till the small hours.
Well, his mother's
been much better
Since she had her head off,
yes, she has.
I said, don't you talk
to me about...
Don't you talk to me
about bladders, I said.
Mr. bartlett, I fail to see the
relevance of your last witness.
Uh, my next witness will explain
that, if my lordship will allow.
I call the late arthur aldridge.
The late
arthur aldridge.
The late
arthur aldridge?
Yes, my lord.
Mr. bartlett, do you think
there's any relevance
In questioning the deceased?
Uh, I beg your pardon, my lord.
Well, I mean, your
witness is dead.
Yes, my lord... well,
uh, virtually, my lord.
He's not completely dead?
No, he's not completely dead,
my lord, no
But he's not at all well.
What? well, if he's not dead
What's he doing in a coffin?
It's purely precaution, my lord,
if I may continue.
Uh, mr. aldridge,
you were...
You are a stockbroker
Of 10 savundra close,
wimbledon.
What was
that knock?
It means "yes," my lord--
One knock for "yes"
and two knocks for "no."
If I may continue.
Uh, mr. aldridge,
would it be fair to say
That you are not at all well?
In fact, mr. aldridge
Not to put
too fine a point on it
Would you be prepared to say
that you are, as it were
What is generally known as,
in a manner of speaking... dead?
Mr. aldridge, I put it to you
that you are dead.
Aha!
Where is all this leading us?
That will become apparent
in one moment, my lord.
Mr. aldridge,
are you considering the question
Or are you just dead?
I think I'd better
take a look, my lord.
No further questions, my lord.
What do you mean,
"no further questions"?
You can't just dump
a dead body in my court
And say "no further questions."
I demand an explanation.
There are no easy answers
in this case, my lord.
I think you haven't got
the slightest idea
What this case is about.
My lord, the... the...
The strange, damnable,
almost diabolic threads
Of this extraordinary
tangled web of intrigue
Will shortly, my lord
Reveal a plot so fiendish,
so infernal, so heinous.
Mr. bartlett, your client
has already pleaded guilty
To the parking offense.
Parking offense,
schmarking offense, my lord.
We must leave no stone unturned.
Call cardinal richelieu.
Oh, you're just trying
to string this case out.
Cardinal richelieu?
A character witness, my lord.
Hello, everyone.
It's wonderful to be here, you
know, I just love your country.
London is so beautiful
at this time of year.
You are cardinal armand
du plessis de richelieu
First minister of louis xiii?
oui.
Cardinal, would it
be fair to say
That you not only built up the
centralized monarchy in france
But also perpetuated
the religious schism in europe?
That's what they say.
And did you
persecute the huguenots?
oui.
And did you take
even sterner measures
Against the great
catholic nobles
Who made common cause
with foreign foes
In defense
of their feudal independence?
I sure did that thing.
Cardinal, are
you acquainted
With the defendant,
harold larch?
Since I was so high.
Speaking as a cardinal
of the roman catholic church
As first minister of louis xiii
And as one of
the architects
Of the modern world already
Would you say that harold larch
was a man of good character?
Listen, harry is a very
wonderful human being.
My lord, in view
of the impeccable nature
Of this character witness,
may I plead for clemency?
It's only 30 shillings.
Not so fast.
Why not?
Uh... uh...
None of your smart answers.
You think you're so clever.
Well, I'm dim.
Dim? consternation, uproar!
Yes, and I have a few
questions I'd like to ask
Cardinal so-called
richelieu.
bonjour, monsieur dim.
So-called cardinal
I put it to you
that you died
In december 1642.
That is correct.
Aha! he fell for my little trap.
Curse you, inspector dim
You are too clever
for us naughty people.
And furthermore, I suggest
That you are none other
than ron higgins
Professional
cardinal richelieu impersonator.
It's a fair cop.
My life, you're clever, dim,
he'd certainly taken me in.
It's all in a day's work.
Well, with a brilliant mind
like yours, dim
You could be something other
than a policeman.
Yes.
What?
If I were not in the c.i.d.,
something else I'd like to be.
If I were not in the c.i.d.,
a window cleaner me.
With a rub-a-dub-dub
and a scrub-a-dub-dub
And a rub-a-dub
all day long.
With a rub-a-dub-dub
and a scrub-a-dub-dub
I'd sing this merry song.
If I were not in the c.i.d.,
something else I'd like to be.
If I were not in the c.i.d.,
a window cleaner me.
With a rub-a-dub-dub
and a scrub-a-dub-dub
And a rub-a-dub
all day long.
With a rub-a-dub-dub
and a rub-a-dub-dub
I'd sing this merry song.
Hey!
If... I were not
before the bar
Something else
I'd like to be
If I were not a barrister,
an engine driver me.
With a chuf-chuf-chuf
and a chuf-chuf-chuf...
Chuf...
The larch.
the larch.
This man is no ordinary man.
This is mr. f.g. superman
To all appearances
no different
From any other
law-abiding citizen.
But mr. f.g. superman has
a secret identity.
When trouble strikes,
at any time, at any place
He is ready to become...
bicycle repairman.
Hey!
There's a bicycle broken.
Up the road!
hmm... goodness
this sounds like a job
for bicycle repairman.
but how to change without
revealing my secret identity?
If only bicycle
repairman were here.
Oh, yeah.
Wait!
I think I know where
I can find him.
Look-- over there!
Bicycle repairman!
But how?
Look!
Is it
a stockbroker?
Is it a
quantity surveyor?
Is it a
church warden?
No!
It's bicycle repairman!
Why, bicycle
repairman
Thank goodness
you've come.
Look.
Why, he's mending it
with his own hands!
See how he uses
a spanner
To tighten that nut.
Bicycle repairman,
how can I ever repay you?
Well, you don't
need to, guv.
It's all right.
It's all in
a day's work
For bicycle
repairman.
Our hero!
Yes, wherever
bicycles are broken
Or menaced
by international communism
Bicycle repairman is ready...
Ready to smash the communists,
wipe them up...
And shove them
off the face of the earth.
Mash the dirty red scum!
Kick them in the teeth
where it hurts!
Kill!
Kill, kill!
Filthy bastard commies!
I hate them, I hate them!
Ah!
Ah!
Tea's ready.
Coming, dear.
Hello, children, hello.
Here is this morning's story.
Are you ready?
Then we'll begin.
"one day, ricky the magic pixie
went to visit daisy bumble
"in her tumble-down cottage.
"he found her in the bedroom.
"roughly, he grabbed
her heavy shoulders
Pulling her down onto the bed
and ripping off her..."
"old nick the sea captain
"was a rough, tough,
jolly sort of fellow.
"he loved the life of the sea
"and he loved to hang out
down by the pier
Where the men dressed
as ladies..."
Oh... uh...
"rumpletweezer ran
the dinky tinky shop
"in the foot of the magic oak
tree by the wobbly dum-dum bush
"in the shade of the magic glade
down in dingly dell.
Here he sold
contraceptives and..."
Discipline...
Naked...
With a melon?
benedictus benedicat
pereusum christum
dominum nostrum.
benedictus benedicat...
pereusum christum
dominum nostrum.
Whoo-hoo!
Hello again.
Now here's a little sketch
by two boys from london town.
They've been writing
for three years
And they've come up
with a little number.
Here it is, it's called
"restaurant sketch."
It's nice here,
isn't it?
Oh, very good
restaurant.
Three stars,
you know.
Really?
Good evening, sir.
Good evening, madam.
And may I say
what a pleasure it is
To see you here again, sir.
Oh, thank you.
Hmm, well, there
you are, dear.
Just have
a look there.
Anything you like?
The boeuf en croute
is fantastic.
If I may suggest, sir,
the pheasant a la reine--
The sauce is one of the chef's
most famous creations.
Mmm, that
sounds good.
Anyway, just
have a look.
Take your time.
Oh, by the way, I've got
a bit of a dirty fork.
Could you get me another one?
I beg your pardon?
Well, it's nothing.
I've got a fork--
a little bit dirty--
Could you get me
another one?
Thank you.
Oh, sir, I do
apologize!
Oh, no need to apologize,
doesn't worry me.
Oh, no, no, no,
I do apologize!
I will fetch the headwaiter
immediatement.
Oh, there's no need to do that.
Oh, no, no, I am sure
the headwaiter
He will want to apologize
to you himself.
I will fetch him at once.
Well, you certainly get
good service here, don't you?
They really look
after you, yes.
Excuse me,
monsieur, madame.
It's filthy!
Gaston!-- find out
who washed these up
And give them
their cards immediately!
Oh, no, no...
No, better still--
Can't afford to
take any chances--
Sack the entire
washing-up staff!
No, look, I don't want
to make any trouble.
Oh, no, please,
it's no trouble.
It's quite right
that you should point
These kind of things out.
Gaston-- tell the manager
What has happened immediately!
No, no, please, I don't
want to cause any fuss.
Please, it's no fuss.
We simply wish to ensure
that nothing interferes
With your complete
en joyment of the meal.
I'm sure
it won't.
It was only
a dirty fork.
I know,
and I'm sorry!
Bitterly sorry!
But I know that
no apologies I can make
Can alter the fact
that in our restaurant
You have been given
a dirty, filthy...
Smelly piece of cutlery!
It wasn't
smelly.
It was smelly!
And obscene
and disgusting!
And I hate it,
I hate it!
I hate it!
Nasty, grubby, dirty,
mangy, scrubby little fork!
Oh... oh... oh...
That will do,
gilberto... gilberto.
Good evening, sir,
good evening, madam.
I am the manager.
I've only just heard.
May I sit down?
Yes, of course.
I want to apologize
Humbly, deeply and sincerely
about the fork.
Oh, no, please,
it was only a tiny bit dirty.
Just... couldn't see it.
Oh, you're good, kind,
fine people for saying that
But I can see it.
To me it's like a mountain...
A vast bowl of pus.
It's not as bad as that.
It gets me here.
I can't give you any excuses
for it, there are no excuses.
I've been meaning to spend more
time in the restaurant recently
But I haven't been too well
And things aren't
going very well back there.
The poor cook's son
has been put away again
And poor old mrs. dalrymple,
who does the washing up
Can hardly move her poor fingers
And then there's
gilberto's war wound.
But they're good people
and they're kind people.
Together we were beginning
to get over this dark patch.
There was light
at the end of the tunnel
When this...
When this... happened!
Could I get you
some water?
It's the end
of the road!
You bastards!
You vicious, heartless bastards!
Look what you've done to him!
He's worked his fingers
to the bone
To make this place what it is
And you come in with
your petty, feeble quibbling
And you grind him into the dirt!
This fine, honorable man
Whose boots
you are not worthy to kiss!
Oh, it makes me mad.
Mad!
Mad.
Easy, mungo, easy.
Mad.
Mungo!
Oh,
the war wound!
The wound,
the wound!
It's the end!
They've
destroyed him!
The end!
He's dead!
They killed him!
Revenge!
Revenge!
No, mungo!
Mungo!
Never kill
a customer.
Oh, the wound,
the wound!
The wound
again!
Lucky we didn't say anything
about the dirty knife.
Oh, no, come on, no!
No, no, no, no!
Well, there we are, then,
that was the restaurant sketch.
Nice little number, bit vicious
in parts, but a lot of fun.
But how about
that punch line, eh?
Oh, you know
what I mean?
Oh, really.
Tired of that drab,
boring life you lead?
Then purchase a past.
Yes, thousands
of people have led
Far more interesting lives
than you will ever lead.
They undoubtedly continue
to lead interesting lives
Whereas you
just as assuredly will not.
Bits of their lives are being
made available for purchase.
For only 15 shillings
Dullards like yourself
can obtain
Beautifully framed photographs
of other people's lives.
Hang them in your den.
Stand them on your desk
or next to your bed.
Pretend they are pictures
from your past.
Hello, I'm uncle frank
and family.
Mind if we stay
a couple of nights?
Or a month?
Or three years?
Hello, we're uncle george
and agnes.
Where's the bathroom?
Shut up!
Oh, shut up!
Oh, sorry.
Not good enough.
Good evening.
Here is the 6:00 news
read by michael queen.
It's been a quiet day
over most of the country
As people went back to work
After the warmest july weekend
for nearly a year.
The only high spot of the
weekend was the meeting
Between officials of the
n.e.d.c. and the o.d.c.n.
In bradford today.
Mr. ted johnson
of the n.e.d.c...
In geneva, officials
of the central clearing banks
Met with herr voleschtadt
of poland
To discuss non-returnable loans
on a 12-year trust basis
For the construction
of a new zinc-treating works
In the omsk area of krakow,
near the bulestan border.
The board of trade has ratified
a trade agreement
With the soviet union
For the sale of 600 low-gear
electric sewing machines.
The president of the board
of trade said he hoped
This would mark a new era
of expansion in world trade
And a new spirit of cooperation
between east and west.
There has been a substantial
drop in gold reserves
During the last 12 months.
This follows a statement
by the treasury
To the effect that the balance
of imports situation
Had not changed dramatically
over the same period.
Still no news of
the national savings book
Lost by mr. charles griffiths
of porthcawl
During a field expedition
To the nature reserves
of swansea last july.
Mr. griffiths' wife said
That her husband was refusing
to talk to the press
Until the savings certificate
had been found.
In cornwall, the death
has been announced today
Of the former minister
without portfolio
General sir hugh marksby-smith.
Sir hugh was vice-president
of the rotarian movement.
In the match between glamorgan
and yorkshire
The yorkshire bowler nicholson
took eight wickets
For three runs.
Glamorgan were all out for 36
And therefore won the match
by an innings and seven runs.
Weather for tomorrow
will be cloudy
With occasional outbreaks
of rain.
That is the end of the...
The larch.
The horse chestnut.
Eric, do you think
You could recognize
a larch tree?
I don't know.
What's
your name?
Michael.
Michael, do you
think you know
What a larch tree
looks like?
I want
to go home.
Bottom.
Are there
any other trees
That any of you think
you could recognize
From quite
a long way away?
I want... sketch
of eric's, please.
What?
I want to see
a sketch of eric's--
"nudge, nudge."
A what? sketch?
Eric's written a...
I've written
a sketch.
"nudge, nudge,"
eric's written.
"nudge, nudge."
"nudge, nudge."
Is your wife
a... a goer, eh?
Know what I mean,
know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge,
nudge, nudge.
Know what I mean?
Say no more,
know what I mean?
I beg your pardon?
Your wife...
does she, uh...
Does she go,
eh, eh, eh?
Know what I mean,
know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge,
say no more?
Well, she
sometimes goes, yes.
I'll bet she does,
I'll bet she does
I'll bet she does.
Know what I mean,
know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge?
I'm sorry--
I don't quite
follow you.
Follow me, follow me!
I like that, that's good.
A nod's as good as
a wink to a blind bat, eh?
Are you trying
to sell something?
Selling, selling,
very good, very good.
Oh, wicked, wicked,
you're wicked, eh?
Know what I mean,
know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge?
Know what I mean,
nudge, nudge?
Nudge, nudge?
Say no more!
Ah! ooh!
Your wife, is she, uh...
Is she a sport, eh?
Well, yes, she
likes sport, yes.
I'll bet she does,
I'll bet she does.
She's very fond
of cricket
As a matter of fact.
Who isn't, eh?
Know what I mean?
Likes games,
likes games?
Knew she would, knew she would,
knew she would.
She's been around,
eh? been around.
She's traveled.
She's from purley.
Oh, oh, say no more,
say no more!
Say no more, purley!
Say no more, purley, eh?
Know what I mean,
know what I mean?
Say no more.
Your wife
interested in...
Photographs, eh?
Know what I mean?
"photographs?" he
asked him knowingly.
Photography?
Yes, nudge, nudge,
snap, snap
Grin, grin, wink, wink
Say no more.
Holiday snaps?
Could be, could be
taken on a holiday
Could be, yes.
Swimming costumes,
you know what I mean?
Candid photography,
you know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge.
No, no, we don't
have a camera.
Ah.
Still... whoa! hey?
Whoa! hey?
Look, are you
insinuating something?
Oh, oh...
Yes.
Well?
Well, I mean
you are
A man of the world,
aren't you?
I mean, you've been
there, haven't you?
I mean, you've
been around, eh?
What do you mean?
Well, I mean, like
you've done it.
I mean, you know,
you've slept with a lady.
Yes.
What's it like?
The larch.