Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 1, Episode 4 - Owl-Stretching Time - full transcript

A change from street clothes to swim trunks turns into a burlesque act; a karate class exercises defense tactics against fresh fruit; a man tries to buy a book about false teeth.


Monty Python's Flying Circus.

And did those teeth
in ancient time,

walk upon England's
mountains green...

Well, hello there again,
ladies and gentlemen.

This time we'd like to up the
tempo a little, change the mood.

We've got a number requested
by Pip, Pauline, Nigel, Tarquin-

and old Spotty--
Tarquin's mother.

It's a little number
specially written-

for the pubescence
of ex-king Zog of Albania-

and it's entitled "Art Gallery."

Hope you like it.

Hello, Marge.

Oh, hello, Janet.

How are you, love?

Fancy seeing you.

How's little Ralph?

Oh, don't ask me.

He's been nothing but
trouble all morning.

Stop it, Ralph,
stop it!

Same as my Kevin--
nothing but trouble.

Leave it alone.

He's just been in
the Florentine room-

and smeared
tomato ketchup-

all over Raphael's


Put that baroque
masterpiece down!

Well, we've just come
from the courtauld-

and ralph smashed
every exhibit but one,

in the Danish contemporary
sculpture exhibition.

Just like my Kevin.

Show him an exhibition-

of early-18th-century
Dresden pottery-

and he goes berserk.

No, I said no,
and I meant no!

This morning
we were viewing-

the early Flemish masters-

of the renaissance
and mannerists schools,

when he gets out
his black aerosol-

and squirts Vermeer's
Ladyata window.

Still, it's not as bad
as spitting, is it?

No, well...
Kevin knows...

If he spits at a painting,

I'll never take him
to an exhibition again.

Ralph used to spit.

He could hit a van Gogh
at 30 yards, yes...

But he knows now it's wrong.

Don't you, Ralph?

Ralph, stop it.

Stop it!

Stop chewing that Turner!

You are?!

You are a naughty, naughty,
vicious little boy!

Oh, look at that.

the Fighting Temeraire, ruined.

What shall I do?

Don't do anything
with it, love.

Just put it in
the bin over there.


Yes, take my word
for it, Marge--

Kevin's eaten most of the early
19th-century British landscape artists

And I've learned
not to worry.

As a matter of fact,

I feel a bit peckish myself.


I never...

I never used
to like Turner.

No... I don't know
much about art,

but I know what I like.


I think Utrillo's brushwork
is fantastic,

but it doesn't always
agree with me...

Not after a Rubens, anyway.

All those cherries.

Got Vermeer all down my shirt.

Watteau, dear?

What a terrible joke.

But it's my only line.

All right,
all right

But you didn't have to say it.

You could have kept
quiet for a change.

That's typical--
talk, talk, talk,

natter, natter, natter.

Bring me my arrows of desire,

bring me my spear,
oh clouds unfold.

Bring me
my chariot of fire...

Cut to me.

As officer commanding-

the regular army's
advertising division,

I object, in the strongest
possible terms-

to this obvious reference-

to our own slogan "It's a dog's
life-- er... man's life--

in the modern army."

And I warn this program
that any recurrence-

of this sloppy, longhaired
civilian plagiarism,

will be dealt with
most severely.

Right, now on the command "cut,"
camera will cut to camera two.

All right, director...

Wait for it.

Camera... cut.

This is my only line.

Well, it's my only line.

Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.

Wait a minute.

I've already warned this program-

about infringing the army
copyright of our slogan:

"It's a pig's life-- man's
life-- in the modern army"-

and I'm warning you,
if it happens again,

I shall come down on this
program like a ton of bricks.


Carry on, sergeant major.


Good evening, class.

Good evening.

Where's all the others, then?

Not here.

I can see that.

What's the matter with them?

Don't know.

Perhaps they've got flu.



They've eaten
too much fresh fruit.

Right! now, self-defense.

Tonight I shall be carrying on
from where I got to last week,

when I was showing you
how to defend yourself-

against anyone who attacks you,

armed with a piece
of fresh fruit.

Oh... you promised

You wouldn't do
fruit this week.

What do you mean?

We've done fresh fruit

For the last nine weeks.

What's wrong with fruit?

You think you know it all?

Can't we do something else
for a change?

Like someone who attacks you
with a pointed stick?

Pointed sticks?

We want to learn how
to defend ourselves-

against pointed
sticks, do we?

Getting all high
and mighty?

Fresh fruit not good
enough for you?

Oh, well, well...

Well, I'll tell you
something, my lad!

When you're walking
home tonight-

and some homicidal
maniac comes after you-

with a bunch
of loganberries,

don't come crying to me!

Right... the passion fruit.

When your assailant
lunges at you-

with a passion fruit thus...

We've done the passion fruit.


We've done the
passion fruit.

We've done oranges, apples,

Whole and segments.


passion fruits.



Yeah, and mangoes
in syrup.

How about cherries?

We done them.

Red and black?


All right, then... bananas!

We haven't done them,
have we?

Right! Bananas...

How to defend yourself against
a man armed with a banana.

Here... you, take this.

Now, it's quite simple

To defend yourself-

against the banana fiend!

First of all, you force him
to drop the banana!

Next you eat the banana,
thus disarming him.

You have now
rendered him helpless.

Suppose he's got a bunch?

Shut up!

Supposing he's got
a pointed stick?

Shut up!

Right, now... you, mr. Apricot.


mr. Harrison.

Come at me with
that banana then.

Come on, attack me with it,
as hard as you like, come on.

No, no

No, no, no!

Put something into it,
for god's sake!

Hold it like that.


Now, come on.

Come on, attack me.

Come on, come on

Come on.


Now I eat the banana!

He's dead.

You shot him.

He's completely dead.

You shot him.

I have now eaten the banana!

The deceased, mr. Apricot,
is now disarmed.

You shot him.

You shot him dead.

Well, he was attacking me
with a banana.

Well, you told him to.

Look, I'm only doing my job.

I have to show you how to defend
yourself against fresh fruit.

And pointed sticks.

Shut up!

Supposing someone come at you

With a banana,
and you haven't got a gun?

Run for it.

Well, you could stand
and scream for help.

Yeah, yeah, you try that with
a pineapple down your windpipe.


Where, where?

Oh, I was just
saying "pineapple."

Oh, blimey, I thought
my number was on that one.

What, on the pineapple?

Where, where?

No, I was just repeating it.

Oh, oh, I see.


That's the banana, then.

Next, the raspberry.

Harmless-looking thing,
isn't it?

Now, you, mr. Tinned Peach.


Mr. Thompson.

Come at me with that
raspberry, then.

Come on, be as vicious
as you like with it.


Why not?

You'll shoot me.

I won't!

You shot mr. Harrison.

That was self-defense.

Come on, I promise
I won't shoot you.

You promised you'd tell us
about pointed sticks.

Shut up!

Now, brandish that...
brandish that raspberry.

Come on!

Be as vicious
as you like with it, come on.

No, throw the gun away.

I haven't got a gun.

Oh, yes, you have.

I haven't.

You have--
You shot mr. Harrison with it.

Oh... that gun.

Well, throw it away.

All right.

How to defend yourself
against a raspberry-

without a gun.

You were going to shoot me.

I wasn't, I wasn't, I wasn't.

You were.

I wasn't, I wasn't.

Come on, come on, you worm.

You miserable little man.

Come at me, then.

Come on, do your worst,
you worm.

If anyone ever attacks you
with a raspberry,

simply pull the lever

And a 16-ton weight will drop
on his head.

I learned that in Malaya.

Suppose you haven't got
the 16-ton weight.

Well, that's planning, isn't it?


Well, how many 16-ton
weights are there?

Look! Look, smarty-pants

The 16-ton weight
is just one way.

Just one way-

of killing
the raspberry killer.

There are millions
of others.

Like what?

Shoot him.

Well, supposing you
haven't got a gun-

or a 16-ton weight.

All right, clever Dick,
all right, clever Dick.

You two, come at me
with raspberries, then,

a whole basket each.

Come on, come at me
with them, then.

No gun?


No 16-ton weight?

No pointed sticks?

Shut up!

No rocks up in the ceiling?


You won't kill us?

I won't kill you.


I promise I won't kill you.

Now, are you going
to attack me?

All right.

Right, now don't rush me
this time.

I'm going to turn me back
so you can stalk me, right?

Come up as quietly
as you can

Right close up behind me,

then in with the raspberries,

Start moving!

Now, the first
thing to do

When you're
being stalked-

by an ugly mob
with raspberries,

is to release the tiger.

The great advantage of the tiger
in unarmed combat is-

that it not only eats
the raspberry-laden foe,

but also the raspberries.

The tiger, however,
does not relish the peach.

The peach assailant should be
attacked with a crocodile.


Now, the rest of you,
I know you're there-

lurking under the floorboards

With your damsons
and your prunes,

hiding behind the wall bars
with your quinces.

Well, I'm ready for you.

I've wired myself up
to 200 tons of gelignite-

and if any of you so much
as tries anything,

we'll all go up together.

I warned you!

I warned you, right.

That's it!

Say, have I shown you
my last operation?

Now, we've got to find
that tumor.

Now, where does it go?

No, no.

Good day, Harry.

And did those feet,

in ancient times,

Walk upon England's
mountains green...

Well, now we'd like to alter
the mood a little.

We'd like to bring you
something for mom and dad,

Annie and Roger,
Mazarin and Louis-

and all at Versailles.

It's a little number called
"England's mountains green."

Hope you like it.

And did those feet
in ancient time...

Yes, you know, it's a man's life
in England's mountains green.

Right, I heard that,
I heard that.

I'm going to stop
this sketch now.

And if there's
any more of this,

I'm going to stop
the whole program.

I thought it was supposed
to be about teeth anyway.

Why don't you do something
about teeth?

Go on.

What about my rustic monologue?

I'm not sleeping
with that producer again.

Excitement... drama...

Action... violence...

Fresh fruit... passion...

Thrills... spills...

Romance... adventure...

All the things you can read
about in a book.

Good morning--
I'd like to buy a book, please.

Well, I'm afraid
we don't have any.

I'm sorry?

We don't have any books.

We're fresh out of them.

Good morning.

What are all these?

All what?

All these... these...

You're referring
to these... books.



They're all sold.

Good morning.

What, all of them?

Every single man Jack of them.

Not a single one of them
in an unsold state.

Good morning.

Who to?


Who are they sold to?

Oh, various...

Good Lord,
is that the time?

Oh, my goodness,
I must close for lunch.

It's only half past ten.

Yes, well, I feel
rather peckish.

Very peckish actually.

I don't suspect
I'll open again today.

I think I'll have
a really good feed.

I say! Look at that
lovely book shop-

just across the road there.

They've got a much better
selection than we've got.

Probably at ridiculously
low prices.

Just across the road
there-- good morning.

But I was told
to come here.


You were.

I see.

I hear the gooseberries
are doing well this year.

And so are
the mangoes.

I'm sorry?

Oh, I was just saying,
thinking of the weather,

I hear the gooseberries
are doing well this year.

And so are
the mangoes.

Mine aren't.

Go on.


Go on, "mine
aren't, but..."

Aren't you going
to say something-

about "mine aren't

But the big cheese gets
his at low tide tonight"?


Oh... ah!
Good morning.


Who sent you?

The little old lady
in the sweet shop.

She didn't have a dueling scar
just here and a hook?


No, no, of course not.

I was thinking of somebody else--
Good morning.

Wait a minute.

There's something
going on here.

What? where?

You didn't see
anything, did you?

No, but I think there's
something going on here.

No, no, well, there's
nothing going on here at all.

And he didn't see
anything-- good morning.

There is something
going on.

No, there is
nothing going on.

Please believe me,
there is absolu... u...

...utely nothing
going on.

Is there anything
going on?

No, there's nothing going on.

See? there's nothing
going on.

Who was that?

Well, that... my aunt.

Look, what was this book
you wanted, then?

Quickly, quickly, quickly.

Oh, I'd like to buy a copy

of an illustrated history
of false teeth.

My god!
You've got guts.


Just how much
do you know?

What about?

Are you from the British
Dental Association?

No, I'm a tobacconist.

Get away
from that door.

I'll just go
over the other...

Stay where you are.

You'll never leave
this book shop alive.

Why not?

You know too much,

my dental friend.

I don't know anything.

Come clean.

You're a dentist,
aren't you?

No, I'm a tobacconist.

A tobacconist who just happens-

to be buying a book on... teeth?


Drop that gun, Stapleton!


There is something
going on.

No, there isn't.

Okay, Stapleton,
this is it.

Where's Mahoney hidden
the fillings?

What fillings?

You know which fillings, Stapleton.

Upper right,
two and four

Lower right, three
and lower left, one.

Come on.

Remember what
happened to Nigel.

What happened
to Nigel?

Orthodontic Jake gave him
a gelignite mouthwash.

I knew there was
something going on.

But there isn't.

Come on, Stapleton.

The fillings.

They're at
22 Wimpole street.

Don't play games
with me.

22A Wimpole street.

That's better.

But you'll need
an appointment.

Okay, Brian, make with the
appointment, baby, no gas.

Not so fast, Lafarge.

Van der Berg.

Yes-- now,
drop the roscoe.

There is something
going on.

No, there isn't.

Nurse, get the guns.

Who's that?

That's van der Berg--
He's on our side.

All right, get up
against the wall, Lafarge.

And you, too, Stapleton.



You dirty,
double-crossing rat.

What's happened?

He's two-timed me.

Bad luck.

All right, where are
the fillings?

Answer me.

Where are they?!

This is quite exciting.

Not so fast.


What's that?

It's a bazooka!

All right, get against the wall,
van der Berg

And you, nurse.

And the first one
to try anything-

moves to a practice
six feet underground.

This is an antitank gun,
and it's loaded-

and you've just got
five seconds to tell me-

whatever happened
to Baby Jane.


Oh, I'm sorry,
my mind's wandering.

I've had a terrible day,
I really have.

You've got five seconds
to tell me...

I've forgotten.

The five seconds haven't
started yet, have they?

Only we don't know
the question.

Was it about Vogler?

No, no, you've got five seconds
to tell me...

About Nigel?

No, no.


No, no.

The fillings?

Oh, yes, the fillings,
of course.

How stupid of me.

All right,
you've got five seconds.

Where are the fillings?








Oh, I've forgotten
to fire it.

Sorry, silly day.

Five, four, three

Two, one.

Drop the bazooka,

The big cheese!

I'm glad you could all come
to my little party.

And Flopsy's glad, too.

Aren't you, Flopsy?

Aren't you, Flopsy?!

That'll teach you to play
hard to get.

There, poor Flopsy's dead
and never called me "mother"-

and soon you will all be dead.

Dead, dead.

And because I'm so evil,

you will all die the slow way--
under the drill.

It's 1:00.

So it is.

Lunch break, everyone.

Back here at 2:00.


Give me the British
Dental Association-

and fast.

You see, I knew
there was something going on.

Of course, the big cheese made
two mistakes.

First of all, he didn't
recognize me, Lemming

Arthur Lemming

Special investigator,
British Dental Association.

And second-- spit--

By the time I got back
from lunch-

I had every dental surgeon
in SW-1 waiting for them all-

in the broom cupboard.

Funny, isn't it,

how naughty dentists always make
that one fatal mistake?

Bye for now.

Keep your teeth clean.

Lemming, Lemming

Lemming of the B.D.A.

Lemming, Lemming

Lemming of the B.D.,
Lemming of the B.D.

B.D., B.D.A.

Right, no, I warned you.

No, I warned you
about the slogan.

Right, that's the end.

Stop the program.

Stop it.

Oh, got you, my lad.

Still acting?

Over you go.