Monty Python: Almost the Truth - The Lawyer's Cut (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - And Now, the Sordid Personal Bits - full transcript

And now, a short introduction
from the producers' legal representative,

Mr Abe Appenheimer.

Hello, and welcome to this documentary,

containing new
and exclusive interviews

with the five surviving
members of Monty Python.

The producers wish to make it clear
that any opinions expressed herein

are those of the individuals speaking
and hold no truth whatsoever.

Pursuant, therefore, to clause 4.6

of the Broadcasting, Video,
Television Act, 1989,

subsection four, three and two...

..subject to clause 4.123,



no viewer or watcher may copy, repeat,
impersonate, mime,

either contextually
or noncontextually,

any material whatsoever
in any public place,

such as a street, pub, club, hotel,
oil rig, Baptist church...

Python

So you think you know Python

Well, you don't

But you will if you keep watching
this documentary

That is all about Python

At last the truth can be told

Now they're all fucking old

But at least they're not dead yet

Ha! Well, one is

And the others look dodgy



So this is the ultimate and final
documentary of Python

Yeah, till the next one.

The BBC announce that the next scene is
not considered suitable for family viewing.

lt contains scenes of violence

involving people's heads and arms
getting chopped off,

their ears nailed to trees,
and toenails pulled out in slow motion.

There are also scenes
of naked women with floppy breasts.

Also, at one point
you can see a pair of buttocks.

And there's a bit where l swear
you can see everything.

My friend says it's just the way
he's holding the spear.

Because of the unsuitability of the scene,
the BBC will be replacing it

with a scene from a repeat
of Gardening Club for 1958.

Cut. That's it!

We're not about to allow this sort of smut
to be shown on screen.

The battles over what we should say
and what the shows should be like,

didn't happen, really,
until the second or third series,

because the BBC let us get on with it.

Then the show won some awards,
it came second at Montreux.

And the BBC brought it forward a bit,

and then it was discussed more.

lt was suddenly more vulnerable

to those who wanted to see exactly
what it was about and change it.

By the last...
the third series of Python,

we were all hauled into Paul Fox's office,

to deal with some
really serious matter here.

We may need some
censorship from the BBC,

because we're putting such foul
and disgusting things in the show.

The Zambezis is one,
it's the Curry's brain.

A man comes in and says,
''Here, sign this.''

We got a note from the BBC
saying we had to cut the penis.

We went, ''What?''

Would you sign this, please?

- Yes.
- Thank you very much.

lt's not a giant penis,
it's a severed leg.

But, in their minds
it was a giant penis.

The one l remember the best of all

was in the Summarize Proust sketch,

which was one of my favourites.

All these people having
to summarize Proust in 15 seconds.

And on the Proust-ometer here
you can see exactly how far he gets.

Let's crack straight on
with our first contestant tonight.

He's last year's semi-finalist,
from Luton, Mr Harry Bagot.

As it was done like a beauty pageant,
they'd be asked things,

where are they from.

- You're from Luton?
- Yes, Arthur. Yes.

Now, Harry, what made you
want to start summarizing Proust?

l first entered a seaside
Summarizing Proust competition

on holiday in Bournemouth.

One man gave his hobbies as...

Strangling animals,
golf and masturbating.

We recorded this huge laugh
from the audience.

Someone at the BBC heard about this,
and said, ''You just can't say...''

lt was interesting,
if you want to be semantic,

that strangling animals
seemed to be OK.

''Oh, yeah, that's all right,
but masturbating, no!''

And this lead to a most
glorious Python deputation

to see Duncan Wood,
who was Head of Comedy at the time,

in his office to...

..ask for the retention of masturbating,
or something like that.

We all sat around. lt was just terrific.

And Terry Jones who was
very zealous about these things,

getting very, very exercised about it
and saying,

''What's wrong with masturbating?

''l masturbate, you masturbate,
we all masturbate!''

We're sitting around, l remember
Duncan Wood crossing his legs,

taking a drag on his cigarette
and saying yes.

l often found myself opposed
to two or three of the Pythons.

Terry Gilliam, for example,

thought that there was nothing
that was sacred,

and l thought there were just
a small number of things.

When we were doing
the television series,

two or three times
l sided with the BBC,

in the sense that l agreed with cuts
that they demanded.

Eric wrote a prolonged sketch
about wee-wee.

Eric is a wine maker.

lt's a wine cellar and all that.

Terry goes around
sampling his white wines.

''Mm, yes, so it's from the...''

''Oh, yes, this is a Chardonnay.
lt's from the...''

''Comes from the north side
of the hill.''

''Yes, l'd probably say Sancerre,''
He'd say...

''No-no. lt's wee-wee.''
''Ah, of course!''

He'd come on again,
''What's this one?''

''Ah, now this is much better.
This is fuller, it's got a rounder...''

''No-no. lt's wee-wee.''
''Ah, wrong again.''

So everything Terry is drinking
is wee-wee, basically.

lt's so childish.

Which l found really
slightly distasteful.

But apparently one of the glasses
of wine had a rose tint to it,

which, to the BBC's mind,
this was menstrual urine.

We hadn't said anything about it
being menstrual fluid!

They assumed that was it.
''Oh, my God. How appalling.''

Everything they came up with
was more and more absurd,

and you realise how their minds work.

We were like innocents.
We were just being silly and funny.

They were really twisted.

So you have to worry about some of
the people who do this censorship.

They're a lot battier than we were.

The BBC, in the early days,

had only a limited amount of tape,
it seems to me, for recording shows.

And all the Q series
of Spike Milligan was wiped!

Many great classic shows
have been lost because of that.

There's an arrogance
about how unimportant it was.

Peter Cook did the show with Dudley
called Not Only...But Also,

which the BBC,
in its wisdom, wiped...

..to save money on the tapes,
which were 90 pounds each,

so they could reuse them for football
and Horse of the Year show.

Python, the same thing
was about to happen.

Terry spotted that.

The BBC were going to wipe the tapes,
and he heard about this,

and bought the tapes from the BBC.

Bought the video tapes
of the early Monty Python stuff,

the master tapes,
and kept them in his attic.

l remember, one day somebody
called me up from the BBC and said,

''We have a lot of film here.
Do you want these?''

lt was all my animation
being thrown out the back door.

The BBC at that point seemed
to have no understanding

of what the world was waiting for,

as far as the things they were doing

and whether
there'd be a market for them.

lt was only years later the BBC...
everyone would say,

''What happened to Monty Python?
Why can't we see those shows again?''

The BBC went,
''Oh, we haven't got them.''

And they asked Terry if they could borrow
his tapes to broadcast.

Yeah, so,
it's staggering to think that,

hey, you have to rescue
your own programme from the BBC.

That's what he did.

Very strange time.

lt was probably that same attitude

was the reason
Python was able to get made.

Good evening.

We apologise most sincerely to those of you
who have bought this record

under the impression
that it was in any way connected

with the television programme
Monty Python's Flying Circus.

This was due to an error
in the printing stage of the album cover.

This album is in fact called
Pleasures Of The Dance,

a collection of Norwegian carpenters' songs
compiled by Oscar Tritt.

The thing before the programme
was the albums.

l listened to the albums
more than the programme.

The albums really consolidated
what it was they were about.

Although there was no VCRs or tapes
or DVDs in those days,

vinyl was how you became
au fait with comedy.

l think with it being
an auditory experience,

it just kind of
got into you a bit deeper.

Not this record!
Not this record!

Not this record...

After we completed
the first Python album,

which was
Monty Python's Previous Record,

we were at Apple cutting the disk,
and l gave Dave a call, and saying,

''You know, Dave, what we ought to do is,
we ought to have our own studio.''

Andre Jacquemin at that moment,
l think had a...

He'd set up a recording studio
in his father's garden shed, l think it was.

My dad was building
a new greenhouse in the garden,

so l gave Dave a ring and said,
''Dave, l think we're in business.

''We have a greenhouse
to convert into a studio.''

Michael helped set up
Andre in a recording studio,

his own recording studio.

John Cleese came down

and we opened the door
and he goes like that to duck in.

lt was great. lt's fantastic.

The main album we did on there
was Matching Tie And Hanky.

Before the next joke
there will be a short raspberry.

With
The Matching Tie And Handkerchief,

what could we do that would be different,
that nobody's done before?

And l suddenly thought,
wait a minute, you've got a record

and it goes from the outside
into the middle.

Why couldn't you start
at a different point,

and do the same thing,
concentric circle that goes in?

So, then you wouldn't know
what you're going to get on the record.

Actually, we discovered
it had already been done in the '30s.

There was a 78 record
that you could buy,

that was a horse race,

it would have the same commentary on
and you'd bet on the horse race,

it had the same commentary,
but a different horse would win at the end.

The idea of having one side
that has two tracks on it

and not telling anybody about it,
l love that we worked this thing out.

l remember thinking l was going crazy
cos l'd put it on and say,

''l'm sure this wasn't on the record yesterday
when l played it.''

People would say, ''This is a great track,
you gotta hear this sketch.''

They'd put on the needle,
it wouldn't come up,

and they couldn't work out
what was going on.

We didn't tell anybody
what we had done,

and eventually it was discovered.

But the records were great fun
because we could really play,

and we did.

With me now is
Norman St John Polevaulter,

who has been contradicting people.

St John Polevaulter,
why do you contradict people?

l don't!

But you told me that you did.

l most certainly did not!

Oh, l see. l'll start again.

- No, you won't!
- You don't contradict people.

- Yes, l do.
- When didn't you start?

l did, in 1952.

- 1952.
- 1947.

- 23 years ago.
- No!

l'd had this idea
for the cover for the record.

l said, ''Wouldn't it be great
to have a classical record crossed out,

''and Another Monty Python Record
scribbled in?''

l described this to our then-manager,
it was John Gledhill at the time.

He didn't really get it.
Anyway, Terry G got the idea immediately,

so Terry G actually made the cover,

then had all these sleeve notes
that were all scribbled out.

When we got the prints of the cover,
showing this to people,

people would go, ''That's great,
but what's the cover going to look like?''

People just couldn't get the idea
that this was the cover.

lt was some time later

that l discovered that Terry Gilliam
had won an award for it.

l was a bit, ''lt was my idea.''

l bet they won't play this song on the radio

l bet you they won't play this new... song

lt's not that it's... or... controversial

Just that the... 'ing words are awfully strong

lt came about because
we did have a contractual obligation

to Clive Davis at Arista Records,
to turn in another album,

which pissed us off,
cos nobody reads contracts in Python.

And, so,
l think one of the things was,

''Well, let's do some songs,
that'll annoy them.''

l bet you their... 'ing old
Programme Directors

Will think it's a load of horse...

The funniest moment
that happened for me

is when we had this tiny,
Andre's recording studio,

an eight-track recording studio,
it was a little studio,

and we brought in
all of our BBC singers.

- Fred Tom.
- Fred Tomlinson Singers.

They all came in
and l gave them the lyrics

and then we went into the thing...

Sit on my face
and tell me that you love me...

And l just like disappeared.

lt was so funny! Just so funny.

l think they were going,
''That's a bit strong, isn't it?

''l don't know about this.''
We had gone. We were still on the floor.

Sit on my face
and tell me that you love me

l'll sit on your face
and tell you l love you too

l love to hear you moralise

When l'm between your thighs

You blow me away

l don't remember who suggested
we should do some stage shows.

l'm not sure where
the idea came from.

l think we originally probably did it for money
or something.

lt was at Coventry the first time
we ever did Python on stage,

at the Belgrade Theatre,
part of an arts festival.

And, l suppose, we were all
stage performers at one time.

That's how most of us,
l don't know about Terry Gilliam,

but certainly John, Graham,
Terry, Eric and myself,

had done our first performing,
it had been done on stage at university.

ln 197 1 ,

Terry invited me to come over
to London and work with him.

l get there, and Monty Python's gonna do
their first-ever live show.

l had never even seen Monty Python,
l didn't know anything about it.

There are these gangs of kids
dressed up in their Gumby outfits,

with handkerchiefs on their heads,
and gumboots,

marching through streets
with their arms linked,

shouting, ''John Cleese!
John Cleese! John Cleese!''

l think from then on we realised
there was certainly a potential

to do Python at the theatre.

This manifested itself in this rather strange
tour of Britain and Canada,

which was disastrous, l don't think
we made any money out of either of them.

lt was then, when you saw
this mass audience,

not just people
sitting in their own homes

but mass ranks of people
wearing Gumby handkerchiefs,

and virtually singing along
and reciting along,

that you suddenly realised
that the Pythons

had captured a generational moment.

People we liked and respected,
a lot of musicians and all that,

were really catching on to the show.

Paul McCartney used to stop, apparently,
his recording sessions,

and make everybody there
watch Monty Python,

then they'd go on
and do the session.

For someone like Paul McCartney,
that was extraordinary for us.

He was a god figure.

l remember after the first series of Python,
we were on, what was it?

This late-night news show
and Joan Bakewell interviewed us,

and there we were, on television,

not as Python,
but as somebody important.

l was so overwhelmed by it,
that the next day l had to get a backpack

and head off to Morocco
to escape from the world of celebrity

cos it was too much to take in.

Later, you get on a television show,

and the next day, if you go shopping,
people are like, ''Look who's here.''

l thought, ''Whoa!
Celebrity is not a good thing.''

lt's nice for a moment,
but don't get stuck with it.

And l've always watched John,
how unhappy he is with it,

because he can't walk by
without someone saying...

''John, do your funny walk, then.''

l could walk with George Harrison,
a Beatle,

and people wouldn't even notice.

You walk with John and people are doing
silly walks in front of him.

The others had told me l was recognised
more than them,

but l am much taller, more handsome
and more striking than they are.

They're a nondescript, unattractive,
chunky little bunch.

They all have short legs
and slightly overweight.

He always had this problem about,
you know, he can't go anywhere,

or during the height of Python
he couldn't go anywhere.

l don't know why.

l mean, at 6 foot, 4
you're more likely to be noticed,

than if you're midgets like that lot.

He was already a known star
on television,

whereas we were
children's television stars,

not well known at all.

John was always very well known,
he was the face of Python.

l think when people think of Python,

they always think of John
at the centre of it.

You bastards!

You vicious, heartless bastards!

Look what you've done to him!

He's worked his fingers to the bone
to make this place what it is.

And you come in with your petty,
feeble quibbling,

and you grind him into the dirt!

l think there's a kind of intensity
in John's performance,

which elevates them wonderfully.

l mean, he doesn't
just do a performance,

the best ones,
there's something in there.

The eyes start to go,

there's something about the way
he holds his wonderfully long, thin,

strange body.

lt's just, it's really
kind of high-octane stuff,

and great to watch.

Hello. l would like to buy
a fish licence, please.

- A what?
- A licence for my pet fish, Eric.

He should've been a politician
or something like that.

Or a magistrate or something.

But l think he always went...
he went into comedy

for a reason that a lot of people,
a lot of us go into comedy,

is that he does something seriously
and finds people laugh at him.

My fish's name is Eric.
Eric the fish.

He's an halibut.

He's a what?

He is an halibut.

You've got a pet halibut?

Yes. l chose him out of thousands.

l didn't like the others.
They were all too flat.

You're a loony.

l am not a loony!

John wants to understand the world
so desperately.

He wants to be able to explain it.

l think to put it into a box
and get it under control, get a label on it.

And he never does succeed in that,

and that's where, to me,
his comedy comes from,

from the incredible frustration
he has living in a world

that he's so desperate to explain
and fails to do so.

l remember John playing somebody...

He just goes,
sitting at a table, a desk,

he was talking about
something in a garden,

and he suddenly begins to rant
and brings the fist out and that.

For me, those are great moments,

when John raises his fist
at something,

or is so totally wound up,
he finds it impossible to say anything.

Mash the dirty red scum!

Kick 'em in the teeth where it hurts!

Kill! Kill! Kill!

The filthy bastard commies.
l hate 'em! l hate 'em!

Norman, tea's ready.

Coming, dear.

l kept telling John,
''John, you're a freak. Relax.

''Why do you need psychiatrists in your life?
Why do you marry them?

''You are a very fortunate freak
to have been that tall,

''that strange-looking,
that intelligent,

''and that uncomfortable
with the world.

''You can make a great living at it.

''You don't need to spend
your money on psychiatry.''

Terry had the same sort of intensity,

or has the same intensity
that John has when he's doing his work.

l mean, really, you feel there's this barely
contained explosion in there.

He's not one to sit back like Graham
with a pipe doing a crossword.

With Gilliam it's,
''There's always something happening.

''lt's happening in my body
and it's about to burst out.

''l can't control these bits.''

l think Terry...
he could only operate in opposition.

He can only...
he has to have an enemy.

l don't think his juices run
unless he's fighting against somebody.

lt started when he was doing
the animations for the TV shows,

he was fighting against the BBC,
fighting the animation department.

He has a relatively small vocabulary,
l suppose.

He says ''bunch'' a lot,
when he means ''a lot'' a lot.

l remember him when we were flying over,
doing the tour of Canada,

and we were flying over
the Great Lakes.

And Terry looked out of the window
and said,

''Hey, you guys,
a whole bunch of water.''

Which really sums Terry up, l think.

Also, Terry was kind of the outsider,

the American come in
to a lot of Oxbridge performers,

brought up in Footlights and Revue.

He came from a different tradition.

So, that was good.

He took a different view
and stepped outside the rest of us,

stopped us all becoming
a bit precious.

l had nothing at stake
because my material seemed to be

beyond either
comprehension or criticism,

cos l did something that was
so different from the others.

So when everybody
would be reading out the material,

it was always a fairly tense moment

cos people were trying to judge
the moment to read their bit out.

Because if you read the thing out too early,
it would get dumped in the wrong pile.

There was always this jockeying
for who would read which when.

Really, the difference of opinion
was always split 50-50, really.

Cos l think Mike, Terry Gilliam and myself
tended to be on one side,

and Eric, John and Graham
were on the other side,

if there was a split like that.

So, l think, mainly it was in method
that John and l locked horns,

because l think John
does like to dominate.

And he does like to...

He's interested in group dynamics
and he knew he could get me going.

He could goad me
into getting really angry.

l think he liked prodding me a bit.

Terry Jones is Welsh.

And he tries to hide the fact,
but his name gives it away.

And what Terry
has never been able to accept

is that the Welsh are a subject people,

put on earth to carry out
menial tasks for the English.

And he could never
quite swallow this.

l don't know why, but there seemed to be
some block in his understanding.

l think that's why he and l had a few
very friendly arguments sometimes.

Seriously, what l found
about Terry that was difficult

is he cared passionately
about everything.

We all care about some things,

but we don't care so much about others,
so we compromise on them.

Terry cared about everything,
it didn't matter how tiny the detail.

He really, really felt.

Good evening. Tonight,
l'd like to restate our position

on agricultural subsidies

and their effect on our
Commonwealth relationships.

Now although we believe, theoretically,

in ending guaranteed farm prices,

we also believe in the need
for a corresponding import levy

to maintain consumer prices
at a realistic level.

But this would have the effect

of consolidating our gains
on the previous fiscal year...

Terry is sort of like the energy.
He's probably the bowels of Python.

There's a lot of energy.

So that, together,
we will maintain positive,

and mutually beneficial
alliance in world trade,

and for world peace.

Thank you and good night.

Terry was always very good

at making sure that we kept at it.

He was like a terrier in way,
rounding up the Pythons saying,

''We've really got to try
and get this done today.''

Terry and l, l thought we were
the same person for a long time.

We both get passionate, we get angry,
we get excited.

l think that was very, very important

in a sense of saying,
''We have to try this, we have to do this.''

He would hold out for his idea
of what Python should be.

He'd say, ''No, this isn't Python.''
Only Terry knew quite what that meant.

But he would have
a very strong, philosophical view

of what Python meant.

Morning, gentlemen.
What can l do for you?

You've...

You've got a nice army base here, Colonel.

Yes?

We wouldn't want
anything to happen to it.

What?

No, what my brother means is
it would be a shame if...

- Oh, sorry, Colonel!
- Don't worry about that.

- Please, do sit down.
- No, we prefer to stand, thank you.

- All right, but what do you want?
- What do we want?

- Very good, Colonel.
- That was a joke, Luigi.

Explain it to the colonel, Dino.

He fights doggedly.

He's convinced he's right
all the time, and he's not.

- How many tanks you got, Colonel?
- About 500 altogether.

- 500, eh?
- You ought to be careful, Colonel.

We are careful. Extremely careful.

Cos things break, don't they?

Break?

Everything breaks, don't it, Colonel?

- Oh, dear!
- See, my brother's clumsy, Colonel.

Michael Palin. He's the sort of
forgotten man of the group, really.

l wonder what's happened to him now.

He disappeared into the Sahara
and was never seen again.

Mike is the one that, probably,
we all like the best.

l say, what a simply super day!

Gosh, yes!

He used to come up
with the best ideas, l think,

or the best off-the-wall ideas.

l say, anyone for tennis?

- Oh, super!
- What fun!

l say, Lionel, catch.

Things just flow out of him
so smoothly and easily.

He's just funny.

lt's a very generous kind of funny,
he's not nasty like myself.

lt's generous and it's great.

He seems to have an incredible grasp...
an incredible range of characters.

He's a brilliant writer of comedy.

His writing always benefits
when he is working with Terry or myself,

because we have more edge,
we're more difficult, angry,

and so we add a little edge to it.

What he does is make it just dance.

lnspector? lnspector?

l'm sorry. l was sitting on a park bench
over there, took my coat off,

then l found my wallet had been stolen
and 15 pounds taken from it.

Well, did you see anyone take it?
Anyone hanging around?

No. No. There was no one there at all.
That's the trouble.

Well, there's not very much
we can do about that, sir.

Do you want to come back to my place?

Yeah, all right.

He's a lovely man, of course.

l feel a bit silly
saying this about him.

Yes, you realise, of course,
that Rosamund is still rather young?

Daddy, you make me feel like a child.

Oh, yeah, you know.

Get 'em when they're young,
'eh, 'eh, you know what l mean?

l think he puts all his energy
into being affable

and, sometimes,
it's a little hard to find out

what's going on under the surface.

l clean out public lavatories.

ls there a promotion involved?

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

After five years
they give me a brush.

He's a real pushover.

We can push him around,
he never fights back.

So, you need one guy like that
in every group.

He's not when he's hungry.

The worst thing about Michael
is if he's hungry,

if he hasn't had his meal,
he gets very testy.

Anyway,
John thinks he's great in bed.

l don't know these things, but that's why
John wanted to work with him.

l'm always mistaken
for Michael Palin.

They come and say, ''Hello, Mike.
How are you? Love your travel programme.''

And whenever l am mistaken
for Michael, l say,

''Yes, l am Michael Palin,
now fuck off, you ugly old bastard.''

Cos l'm trying to destroy
his reputation for niceness

one person at a time.

Good morning. l'd care to
purchase a chicken, please.

Don't come here with that posh talk,
you nasty, stuck-up twit.

- l beg your pardon?
- A chicken, sir. Certainly.

How much does that work out to
per pound, my good fellow?

Per pound, you slimy trollop?
What kind of a ponce are you?

- l'm sorry?
- 4/6 a pound. Ready for roasting.

Eric's contribution,
a certain type of stuff he wrote,

but he was tremendously good
at putting shows together.

l thought he was the best of all of us
at saying,

''Take that and put that there.''
He was wonderful at the carpentry.

Because l wasn't part
of writing teams,

l was able to be a judge.

l'd say, ''That makes me laugh,
but only to there.

''Why don't we shift it across,
and you take that?''

Eric is the one that should be
the manager of the group.

Eric is the most astute,
financially and contractually.

Good evening and welcome to
The Money Programme.

Tonight on The Money Programme
we're going to look at money.

Lots of it.
On film, and in the studio.

Some of it in nice piles,

others in lovely, clanky bits
of loose change.

Some of it neatly counted
into fat little hundreds,

delicate fivers
stuffed into bulging wallets.

Nice crisp, clean cheques,

pert pieces of copper coinage
thrust deep into trouser pockets.

Romantic foreign money

rolling against the thigh
with rough familiarity,

beautiful, wayward,
curlicued banknotes.

Filigree copperplating cheek by jowl
with tumbling hexagonal-milled edges,

rubbing gently against
the terse leather

of beautifully balanced bank books.

Eric was really the one, l suppose,

who really
liked to deconstruct television,

and, l think,
the philosopher of the group.

One of the finest lyrics ever
is the lyrics to the Philosophers Song.

The Hundred Best Philosophers,
l had a book, a big book,

and you could either hit yourself
on the head with it... No.

So, l wrote a song
just using their names,

cos their names are lovely,
l mean, they're, you know...

And it was a funny idea
that they would all get drunk.

Frankly, over here,
we find your American beer

is a little like
making love in a canoe.

Making love in a canoe?

lt's fucking close to water.

There's nothing Nietzsche
couldn't teach ya

'Bout the raising of the wrist

Socrates, himself,
was permanently pissed

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will

On half a pint of shandy
was particularly ill

Plato, they say, could stick it away

Half a crate of whisky every day

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger
for the bottle

Hobbes was fond of his dram

And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart

''l drink, therefore l am''

Eric was always very good with songs.

He, sort of, kept the musical element
going in Python,

which was very important.

Yes, Socrates, himself,
is particularly missed

A lovely little thinker,
but a bugger when he's pissed

l always think,
''What was my role in Python?''

l think of myself
as the wicketkeeper.

The wicketkeeper
is a very important role.

You don't get the star thing,
but you know which way the ball is turning,

so you say, ''Just give him one
just outside, that will get him.''

So, that l felt sort of describes
my role in Python.

You're not star batsman, star bowler,
but your influence on the game,

if you're reading it properly,
can be very instructive.

ln your plan,
A Better Britain For Us,

you claimed you would build
88,000 million billion houses a year

in the Greater London area alone.

ln fact, you built only three
in the last 15 years.

Are you a bit disappointed
with this result?

No. No. l'd like to answer this question,
if l may, in two ways.

Firstly, in my normal voice,

and then in a kind of
silly, high-pitched whine.

Graham is...

He was just a sort of frustrating person.

l never could make out
who Graham was.

He seemed to float through it,

sucking on that pipe,
day and night.

Graham was a mystery.

Graham was just a sort of a...

The only times l had lunch with him,
or whatever,

we really hadn't got much
to say to each other.

There was something about Graham
that was quite different from the others.

There was a seriousness
in the performance,

but an awareness of the comedy
at the same time.

Sitting in script conferences
and suddenly saying, ''Lemon curry?''

lt always gave you hope, l thought,

when Graham came out
with something off-the-wall like that.

Lemon curry?!

He was also an amazing sounding board.

He's the only person l've come across
who had an extraordinary ability

to say, ''The audience
will think that's funny.''

But he just didn't work properly.

He should've been sent back to the factory
and fixed,

and then he would have been terrific.

The simple stuff, getting the lines right,

hitting his marks,

he just was not an efficient creature.

l don't mean efficient
in a Prussian sense,

he didn't have basic efficiencies.

He was always late.
Michael told you the story, l'm sure.

l'd go round to Graham's flat
in the morning to pick him up,

and hoot the horn,
he was right up on the fourth floor.

You never knew who would open
the window, but it wouldn't be Graham.

lt would be someone from some part of
the world, usually younger than Graham.

He'd say, ''He coming in a minute.''

l'd say, ''l don't want to know that,

''l just need him down here
in the car.''

l would regularly have to wait
for 15, sometimes 20 minutes

for dear old Graham.

He'd come down,
''l'm terribly sorry. Just...

''A really long night.

''lnteresting person from Bhutan.''

''You don't meet many Bhutanese.
Awfully interesting chap.''

How long did it take you to decide,
if you like,

to come out the closet,
to use the common expression?

l didn't like being dishonest, really,

and l was having to be.

l thought l had to be,

because l didn't think people
around me would understand.

lt took me some time to understand.

After all,
this was when l was about 25.

At 24 l was thinking of getting married,
l had a steady girlfriend,

we had been together
for about a year,

and then suddenly l found that
that wasn't what l really wanted,

deep down inside.

John Cleese, l think,
was most uncomfortable

when he discovered he had been working
all this time with someone

he thought he knew
but now discovered he didn't know.

He was not the sort of person to,

l thought, take kindly
to a little piece of news like that,

about a friend of his that used
to smoke a pipe and play rugby,

and climb rocks, and things like that.

He was rather shocked, actually.

We were all... maybe shocked is
the wrong word. We were surprised.

We didn't mind that he was gay
but we were very, very surprised.

And l think Graham sometimes
took the surprise for disapproval,

shocked disapproval.

lt was just amazing, you know.

lt was as though Palin
had turned to me and said,

''l'm Chinese,'' you know?

l have nothing against you, Michael,
but it is a surprise.

You were in fact an alcoholic?

Yes, l did a lot of drinking,
a great deal,

a very great deal,
indeed, Michael, yes.

You can safely say
l did do a very great deal.

Why was that, do you think?

l think... Well, l don't know, really,
the answer to that.

Deep inside, l think, actually,
that l was insecure.

l didn't really feel
that l had deserved the success

that l had achieved.

l think that was it.

Who was laughing at that?

Strange reaction.
l'll sort you out later.

The interesting thing about Python,

l don't think anybody
had interest in each other as people.

We didn't know about each other,

we didn't get together
and talk about this and that.

We might have a drink,
but it wasn't close bosom friends.

No one noticed
Graham was an alcoholic,

until long after he was crawling
around the floor,

barking,
putting his hands up girl's skirts.

''Oh, it's Graham. He's so weird.''

He wasn't an ugly drunk,
he was quite jovial,

and quite prone to trouser dropping,

and various outrageous songs.

And l never had a problem
with him at all,

except in the work context,

because you'd meet
about half ten in the morning,

and Graham would be putting tonic
into whatever it was.

And you'd have a real burst
of an hour and a half,

and he was fizzing and popping
and it was a joy writing with him.

And then, 12 noon...

''Just the one.'' And we'd go
to the Angel pub in Highgate,

and goodbye day, that was it.

Very pleasant afternoon,
but no work taking place.

When we were doing the shows
it was a little bit of a nightmare,

because if it was after lunch
it was hopeless doing it with Graham,

because Graham
couldn't remember his lines.

l remember going once
up to Scotland for a take,

we were filming up in Glencoe.

l got there and met
the special-effects man on the train,

got shitfaced and we were drunk,
and l slept all day the next day.

l got up and they
still hadn't done the first take

of Graham with Lake Pahoe.

They had done 43 slates.

Sometimes it would be quite funny,

and other times he would just
irritate people for the sake of it.

Like telling these people
in a little pub near Oban in Scotland,

where we were doing some filming,
that he had slept with Ted Heath,

who was then the Prime Minister.

He might have slept with Ted Heath
for all l know, but it seemed unlikely.

But Graham just irritated these people,
nice Scottish farmers

having a little chat about
how wonderful Edward Heath was.

Graham said, ''l know all about him
because l have slept with him!''

You know, very bizarre.

l thought, ''Graham, please,
don't go on like that.''

The moment when l think
we all realised for the first time

that it was becoming a huge problem,
and we were shooting

And Now
For Something Completely Different.

We were shooting
the Upper-Class Twit of the Year Show.

And we were in
a trailer or a caravan,

and we were looking for the script.

We needed to check something
in the script.

And Michael Palin said,
''Oh, Gray's got a script.

''He was reading it this morning.''

They had travelled up
together in the car.

And Michael opened up
this little suitcase that Gray had,

a very small one,
to get the script out.

He took the script out
and he did a double take...

and he picked up
the bottle of vodka...

..and he said,
''That was full this morning.''

And it was half-empty,
and it was before lunch.

And l think we all kind of went...

How much at your peak, so to speak,
how much were you drinking?

Four pints of gin a day.

That's almost a terminal dose,
l would think.

Pretty much. Pretty much, yes.

Graham now had a really
serious drinking habit,

and l was the guy
who met with him every day.

You see, the others didn't.

The others saw him when we got together
to read, but l was carrying him.

At one stage,
he couldn't remember in the afternoon

what we had written in the morning.

lt was that bad.

We tried a bit of cross-fertilisation
of the writing.

l wrote something with John,

and Graham would write things
with Eric and all that,

but it didn't work,
we stayed in our groups.

l think if the John-Graham group,
or partnership, was not working as well,

that was the reason John perhaps felt
they weren't pulling their weight.

But, whatever the reason,

l think John felt that Python
had run its course.

Well, l'm afraid l get bored.

You know, it's a good fault
and it's a bad fault.

Like anything, there's a good side
and a bad side to it.

And l felt, after the second series,
that we were repeating ourselves.

l didn't see any point
in doing comedy,

or doing anything
very artistic and creative,

if you were beginning
to, sort of, repeat yourself.

lt was the old sausage machine,
you know?

Another 13 shows. Just keep turning.

The others just love the process,
they really enjoyed doing it.

l don't think they felt
that we were repeating,

they didn't notice the difference
in the material but it was clear to me.

So, l actually said,

and l only was reminded of this
about six months ago,

when l was talking to David Wilkinson,
who was my agent at that time.

David said, ''Do you remember

''that you said you didn't want to do
the third series?

''And, you really didn't.''
And the BBC said,

''lf John doesn't do the third series,
there won't be a third series.''

So l said, ''Well, l'll do seven.''
And we did seven.

And the others put a lot pressure
on me to do another six.

And l gave in, l caved in, because l didn't
want to spoil things for them.

The thing about John

is he was better known than any of us
when he started the show.

And, throughout the show,

became the nearest
to a single star figure in Python.

Though, to John's credit,
he never traded on that at all.

He always saw Python as a group.

But l think there were
many more offers for John

probably than the rest of us.

So, at the end of the third l said,
''Well, that's it.''

And l remember telling them
on the plane to Canada,

for the Canadian tour.

l said, ''l really
don't want to do the next series.''

And a couple of them
were very upset.

Gray was very upset, because
l think he felt safe in the group.

And, in a funny kind of way,
l think he felt possessive about me,

he didn't like the idea of me
going off on my own.

He had resented it when l had written
some half-hours without him.

Graham came around and said,
''Well, John said he's not going to any more,

''but l think we could continue!''

And so he sort of persuaded us
on that flight to Vancouver

that, yeah, well, maybe we would
do some more without John,

and see how it went.

l think we all felt, well...

Obviously John's important,
but, you know,

we can do this without John.

Terry Jones felt very strongly.

He called me a traitor
to the Daily Telegraph.

You see,
it was the perfect setting for Terry

to show off his talents,

because we were covering,
in many ways,

the things he wasn't so good at,
and he could flourish in that.

So he must have felt terribly disappointed.

Thinking of now, l think,
''Oh, yes, he is crucial!''

But at the time we sort of
had that thought...

No, no,
l don't think it was a feeling of,

''Oh, dear, it won't be as good
without John.''

Especially as he was doing
a bit of the writing.

There was never, l would say
in my own defence,

there was never any appreciation,
from any of them,

of either the validity of what l was saying
about their lack of originality,

or about the fact that l was having to work
with a 24-carat alcoholic.

l really did think
that there were many moments

in '7 1 , '72,
when that was the death of Python.

Very difficult to think of doing it
without John.

He'd always said
he would be in there as a writer,

and yet it was very difficult
to think of just jettisoning Python

because John wasn't there.

The rest of us
were really enjoying it,

in a sense, there were still things
we wanted to write,

still performances we wanted to do.

There was still
a great deal of energy in the group.

But l don't think Python ever really works
without everybody there.

l do know people,
who will remain nameless,

but they are amongst the Pythons.

Come on, lads, own up! l know
one or two of you, at the time, said,

''lt's a lot bloody better without John.''

l know that the BBC
were wary of doing it without John.

They didn't want it to be called
Monty Python's Flying Circus.

''Call it Monty Python,'' they said.

And, l don't think they were ready
to commission 13.

l think they only wanted
six or seven.

l think we were probably
all quite happy to do that,

see how they worked out.

My contribution to it
was that l gave them,

l don't know if l was paid or not,
but l gave them material.

Mr Bradford, Mr Crawley?
These are our fitters, sir.

We've had a lot of experience
in this field,

and we do pride ourselves,

we offer the best
and most discreet service available.

l don't know if you believe this,

but one of us is actually
wearing a toupee at this moment.

Well, you all are, aren't you?

- Have you got one?
- No. l thought you...

- l thought it was me.
- l thought it was me!

- So did l. That is good!
- Oh!

l have to say, to my embarrassment,

l don't think l ever saw
all six of them.

l saw two that l thought
were very good,

and two that l thought were OK.

Some of those shows
are quite good, actually.

l think there's the one...
l think my favourite show

is the one called
Light Entertainment War.

- Sir!
- Yes, what is it?

- News from the Western Front, sir!
- Yes?

- Big enemy attack at dawn, sir!
- Yes?

Well...

The enemy were all wearing
little silver halos, sir.

And they had fairy wands
with big stars on the end, and...

- They what?
- They had spiders in matchboxes.

Good God! How did our chaps react?

Well, they were
jolly interested, sir.

Some of them, l think it was
the 4th Armoured Brigade, sir, they, they...

- Yes?
- They had a look at the spiders, sir.

And l like the Scottish,
Michael doing the Scottish...

l'm Louis the Twelfth,

the Fourteenth, the Seventeenth,
Eighteenth, no, Twelfth.

That man is not Louis XlV!

Joseph, are you out of your mind?

l've been looking it up in my bath!
Louis XlV died in 1717.

lt is now 1783. Answer me that!

Did l say l'm Louis XlV?

l'm sorry, l meant Louis XV!
Louis XV.

He died in 1 77 4!

All right! Louis XVl!

Listen to me, smartarse!

When you're king of France,
you've got better things to do

than go around all day
remembering your bloody number!

l wrote The Appeal for the Very Rich
in that series,

and Graham did it to camera.

l would like to talk to you tonight
about a minority group of people

who have no mental
or physical handicaps,

and who,
through no fault of their own,

have never been deprived,

and consequently are forced to live
in conditions of extreme luxury.

Graham and l wrote
the Dreadful Family sketch,

with, in particular, Terry Gilliam
being covered in baked beans.

l really like this Ano-Weet,
it really unclogs me.

- Oh, do be careful!
- Sorry, Mum.

l mean a lot of the others
say they unclog you,

but l never had a single bowel movement
with them Recto-Puffs

Now, if we... Ah, sorry, Mum!

lf we lived in Rhodesia there would be
someone to mop that up for you.

Don't be so bleedin' stupid!

lf you lived in bleeding Rhodesia

you'd be out at bleedin' fascist rallies
every bleedin' day!

You're a bleedin' racist,
you bleedin' are!

Language!

Well, he gets on my sodding wick.

Yes, Graham was very funny.
''What time are you coming in?''

3:00am!

lt's disgusting,
you a member of parliament.

l heard you in the hall last night.
l heard you snogging away.

We was not snogging!

Oh! lt sounded like snogging to me.

l could hear his great, wet, slobbering lips
going at you...

- And his hand going...
- Dad!

Yeah?

- No, not you.
- Oh.

Just mind your language.

So we did six, and then
they offered us seven more.

l remember walking with Michael
on Hampstead Heath saying,

''Michael, l'm sorry, l don't want to do
any more. This is not the same.''

The reason that the group worked,

was that Terry J and l
locked horns on almost everything,

which enabled everyone else
to come in and affect the balance.

The floating people could have
different votes

if they were held as opposites,

and l felt that was what was missing.

What the others have said to me

is that when l went,
Terry became too dominant.

No one else
was prepared to lock horns with him,

so he began to have
too great an influence.

One of the great moments of Python
is that we decided to stop.

We could've kept milking it,

but now it's just not working
as well as it ought.

So quit. We quit.

We're Knights of the Round Table

We dance whene'er we're able

We do routines and chorus scenes

With footwork impeccable

We dine well here in Camelot

We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot

We're Knights of the Round Table

Our shows are formidable

But many times, we're given rhymes

That are quite unsingable

We're opera mad in Camelot

We sing from the diaphragm a lot

ln war we're tough and able

Quite indefatigable

Between our quests
we sequin vests

And impersonate Clark Gable

lt's a busy life in Camelot

l have to push the pram a lot

On second thoughts,
let's not go to Camelot, it is a silly place.